We all come from childhood and childhood traumas accompany us almost all our lives if we are not aware of them. I found an interesting article by a psychologist on the Internet and decided to publish it on my blog, because... I think that it can help someone. We can become adults only when we become able to understand something about ourselves, accept our parents for who they are and let go of childhood grievances, learn to live happily with what we have... But still the world is not black and white, remember when you read the article.

If in case of troubles and difficulties you strive anywhere but home;
- if you leave your parents with a feeling of your own wretchedness in comparison with them, the great ones;
- if your fists clench when you remember how beautiful your dads and moms are;
- if you are so afraid of upsetting/disappointing/angry that you are able to hide and build Potemkin villages for years;
- if, of all the manifestations of love, you remember a couple of episodes from childhood, when you were sick and someone bought you something;
- if a parental visit is not a joy, but a joke;
- and many more similar “ifs”,

then your parents don't love you.

It's very simple. There are thousands of such facts per unit of consciousness. You admit that someone may not love their neighbor Grisha or Marivanna? Surely you logically understand that not everyone loves you? Well, your parents are included in this set of “not everyone.”

You’re not five years old to think that your mother is actually very good and adores you, she just has good reasons for the umpteenth time to yell obscenities/ignore you/make you look like a fool, and the like. However, as far as I remember, such dubious excuses are quite transparent even at five years old.

It happens. This is scary and offensive, but, I assure you, it is not fatal. Moreover: recognition of this fact gives a bunch of bonuses. For example, accepting oneself as is, without a long series of “I’ll do / fix / I’ll become - and I’ll be so cool.”

Not cool, just approved and accepted, ideally loved. Favorite who? You didn’t get love for completing a task correctly in childhood, will you really get it now? How much love will you wait for? Show me the equivalent cost of tasks for a measure of the volume of love.

Dear adult children, you then transfer this to your loved ones and loved ones. You also “perform tasks”, meet the requirements, thinking that this is why they will love you. And you demand that others “complete tasks” so that you have something to love them for.

Alas, love is a voluntary thing. Gifted at will. If they didn’t give it to you, then they simply didn’t give it to you. It doesn't say anything about you as a person. You don't deserve this, no one deserves to live in a freezer. There is no “serve it right” or “I was born this way.” It is your parents who were “born that way” that they cannot love their own child.

You can add pity for them and for yourself to suit your taste, but do not overdo it. If you don't love someone, you don't need to come up with reasons why you can love them. You need to spend strength on your loved ones, from where you will get strength for others.

Yes, parental love seems to be provided by nature. No, you won’t convince them or me with this. You can be angry, rebel, yell and make trouble, please, if it becomes easier. That is, it’s really possible, on such and such an occasion. Release your emotions from under the ancient “parents are sacred.” I don’t see anything sacred in the fact that a child climbs the wall from a lack of love and at the same time is clearly sure that his parents are good, he just doesn’t deserve it.

Don't you see a paradox here? Dear adult children, do you really need love so much that you are ready to ask for it year after year from those who don’t care?

Happy woman's world

Hello. I decided to write here in the hope that at least someone will understand me, but I doubt it. I have problems. Perhaps the biggest problem is the way I was born. But, unfortunately, I was not asked in advance if I wanted this. It all started 3 years ago. I got sick. I started having problems with my digestive system. My parents didn't pay attention at first. A few months later, they decided to treat me. Due to severe pain, I began to often miss school, and problems also began there. My parents and my older sisters (I have 2 of them) came to the conclusion that I was pretending to attend an educational institution. You could say they forced me to go there, insulting and humiliating me at the same time. Also, during the next examination, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, which is progressing very quickly. Parents did not pay attention to this. I complained about severe pain, but they just kept silent and turned everything into a joke. For 3 years I have been suffering from a sore intestine and rotational scoliosis, which has caused me to develop chest deformity. Then my parents came to their senses, and now I am being treated in a paid clinic, where even the specialists still don’t know whether something will help me or not. Based on all of the above, I began to have more problems that relate, probably, even mainly to the inner world. My psyche was shaken. My parents are always quarreling in front of my eyes. This really hurts me, but they don’t understand it at all. I started listening to rock music, I began to like the color black. About 1.5 years ago I began to devote my attention to the gothic subculture and art. But, unfortunately, those around me do not want to accept me exactly as I am inside. Again, about this, there are problems with my family, they forbid me to express myself, they don’t understand me at all. Again, humiliation and complete misunderstanding. I keep to myself. I don't know what to do. I don't see the meaning of life. My parents don't like me, especially my dad. He doesn't care. It’s hard for me, no one wants to understand me. I don't want to live.
Support the site:

Milania, age: 14 / 08/11/2013

Responses:

Hello Milania! You write that your parents quarrel all the time, but this is not necessarily because of you. Perhaps they realized their mistake in not paying attention to you earlier and are now worried. Diseases, I think at such a young age they are curable. You write that you are being treated in a clinic, try to do special physical exercises to strengthen your posture: your health will improve and you will find new friends.
And if you want to chat, I will be happy to help or support. The main thing is to believe that everything is ahead.

Julia, age: 24 / 08/11/2013

Hello Sunny. I would really like my call to help you in some way. An illness is not a death sentence, the main thing is to sincerely want to get well. Your parents probably love you, it’s just life and everything in it is very difficult, especially since you say that mom they constantly quarrel with dad. Believe me, they don’t get pleasure from it, but this is life, everything can’t be smooth in it. Dad doesn’t give a damn about you, but this is his sin and if this is really so, he himself will regret it, early or later. You are only 14 and this is really a transitional age. I remember myself at 14 and I feel sorry for my mother, because this is a really difficult age and you need to get through it.

Nika, age: 24 / 08/11/2013

Hmm baby, you're just like me! Only I have a severe migraine. And besides, I have a mental disorder. They parents think that this is a teenage thing. My father doesn’t love me either. He hits me and says that I’m an ugly mistake of nature. In short, everyone is pissed off. I won't say that everything will be fine. You just have to live for yourself. As for problems, screw them. Take a break. For example, I started learning Japanese, namely with mat! . . And when it’s painful and difficult for you, then scream! scream at the top of your voice so that your throat comes off. And rock is cool! I can also suggest dreaming in the dark, it’s so calming. And they say that good thoughts are like what was it like, good luck, dear.
P.S. By the way, Milania is a beautiful name or nickname

Rukhsora, age: 15 / 08/11/2013

This is not the first time I’ve read about health problems when the spine and digestive system hurt. I think that this is due to a diseased spine, because the spine is the core of the entire body, all organs are supported on it, so it must be treated first. Moreover, it includes massage, medications and physical therapy in a comprehensive manner. My back hurt, the chiropractor helped me a lot, he set everything right in one session, and swimming helps a lot, it also restores the nervous system, and after that, a contrast shower is a must. So, if I don’t take a contrast shower after training, then I was training in vain. But your parents still love you, otherwise they wouldn’t treat you and give up. Just live your life, learn to be an adult, and their scandals are their own business, let them live as they want.

Alla, age: 24 / 08/11/2013

Dear, people with poor health should absolutely not get involved in any destructive communities, books, music, films, etc.
Only positive, only bright colors, only a kind and friendly attitude towards the world! Positivity helps to overcome any illness, immersion
at dusk weakens every part of the body, the brain and psyche first of all. No gothic, please!
A sincere belief in God would help you a lot. Just try visiting churches, monasteries, looking at icons, listening to church
singing.

Agnia Lvovna, age: 72 / 08/12/2013

Go in for sports, this is my advice to you, only sports and only a healthy lifestyle, mental development and physical activity will help you
forget all your problems with your family and health... you’ll see how everything will work out

Sexton, age: 25 / 10/25/2013

Oh, how wonderful it would be if all children always loved their parents. Unfortunately, this is not possible. Despite the colossal parental investment (time, effort, money, health), adult children often do not love their parents, but why?

There are three natural ages of dislike before children grow up. This is the same “three-year crisis” (parents can even hear the chilling and terrifying “I hate you!”). This is the teenage period (“my parents will never understand me!”). And this is the first strong love (“Vasya truly loves me, but my parents only demand!”).

But growing up not all children begin to understand their parents and value their parental contributions. Why?

Maybe this is temporary?

In general, the situation may be temporary. Adult children become “particularly harmful” and not at all loving when:

1. Receive love from a partner.
   It turns out that love is this. And this. And there are many other things that parents didn’t do. Tears of powerlessness and hatred choke you at night. Anger rises to the throat when the mother calls and pesters again, and the father lectures and demands.
2. They come to therapy.
   This is normal and natural dislike when you need to start from parental experience. I can only sincerely sympathize with all the mothers and fathers whose recently obedient child suddenly “spoiled.”
3. When “sick love” comes.
   Bad relationships are often addictive, like drugs. But the more mom and dad insist - “he doesn’t love you!” – the more aggression they “rake” in response.

All three of these cases (and some more, for example, when a child rejects the life scenario proposed by his parents) are distinguished by the fact that dislike passes. The time comes, and the child begins to build bridges on his own. Call more often. Come not on demand and not for money. Helps, incl. in matters that are not interesting to him.

That is, the parent’s task is to live through this period. Wait it out, endure it, do your own thing. Just knowing that it will pass is like a runny nose. If you treat - in just seven days, and if not - then in a whole week.

Five reasons for adult dislike of children for their parents

The main problems that lead to dislike are quite simple. This:

• spoiled childhood;
• moralizing and imposing a script;
• manipulation;
• emotions run high;
• criticism.

Spoiled childhood

It is clear that all parents raise their children as best they can. Yes, and the conditions are different. But try to look into the childhood of a particular child. Was it at least good for the family there? Warm, cozy? Did he receive understanding, attention, interest in himself, a safe environment for development?

Usually, with a bad attitude and dislike, children involuntarily “punish” their parents, returning to them what they had to do in childhood. hold back. The child is maximally dependent on his parent, and until he leaves home, he is forced to “eat what they give.” And these are sometimes very difficult things to bear. For example:

• punishment without reason;
• physical violence;
• accusations (“you walked past your father, twisted your tail, so he raped you”);
• lack of security (drunk parents, crazy grandfather, criminal uncle).

Everything would be fine, but there is simply nothing to thank and love your parents with. There was no jug inside

Recipe: try to give children little by little, in a reasonable and appropriate form, what they did not get due to a spoiled childhood.

Moralizing and script imposition

Who will instill moral standards in children if not their parents? I’m sorry, but if the children grew up (and went through the teenage “rebellion” safely, that is, well), then you are too late. In adolescence, the child’s task is to reject the norms and demands of the parent, to see what values ​​are important to him. If you impose “be a school director” on your son or “I’m expecting grandchildren, at least two!!” daughters are 20-30-40 years old, then a big hello.

Most likely, strong people will resist. They already have their own morals.

And the weak (weaker) will obey. Agree. In plain sight. But you still have to do it your own way.

And deep down in your soul you hate your parent for excessive interference and “pushing” boundaries.

How children live is up to them to decide. And they are not at all obliged to love every “poop” of their parents. Take your guard, sir, yes, sir - and run to fulfill the script prescribed by your parents.

Of course, moralizing and instructions do not inspire love.

Manipulation

Unfortunately, the older people get, the more stubborn and stubborn they become in their communication habits. And if in middle age parents made charming “manipulations,” then by adulthood they develop into rude, too noticeable and unpleasant manipulations:

• My heart is breaking because of you!
• If you don’t come and (do, bring) right away, you will be bad. You are already bad for not throwing yourself like a hog.
• You don’t value me, you don’t hear me, you don’t love me.

As a result, these manipulations based on fear, shame or guilt (damage to the parent) lead to the fact that there is no longer any love left in the heart of an adult child. It is erased by careless, unecological behavior. If every time you don’t give a shit in your soul, then what kind of love can we talk about?

Example: – You must come to my hospital!

Mom, would you like me to come under pressure, because I have to, or because I love you and want to come to you?

We must understand that demands and cunning manipulations arise in a place where the parent is not confident in the love of his child. And he agrees (demands) at least external manifestations. He wants to think that “they love me, that’s why they travel.” Although he himself beat them out with rolling pins so that they could drive. Guilt, shame and fear.

Emotions run high

This is a very difficult situation when emotions run high on both sides during communication. In such situations, anger (= hatred, = rage) acts as a means of maintaining boundaries. She seems to be saying: we need to move away, otherwise we will kill each other.

As a rule, emotions run high in those children and adult parents who have a deep conflict. A long-standing quarrel, a mountain of grievances and mutual claims. This is a toxic environment in which love simply has no place. It is replaced by stronger feelings.

What to do: deal with your own “dead ends”. For both the adult child and the parent.

What to look for:

• unfulfilled dreams and expectations;
• large parental contribution (more than the parent could);
• dislike of grandparents for dad or mom;
• family scenario.

Criticism

“Who will tell him the truth if not a loving parent?!” - says the parent.

“Why do I need this truth?!” - the adult child is indignant.

Unfortunately, adult children often still want warmth, approval, and support. Actually, this is why family relationships exist. This is the “network” that ideally should support in difficult situations.

It's often the other way around. Mom or Dad (or both parents) take on the role of judge and critic. On the surface, they reveal a motive: to take care of the child, to tell him the truth, to guide him, to keep him from temptation, “I will solve someone else’s misfortune with my hands,” “I know better,” “take advantage of my experience.”

Deep down often lie parents’ shame for their children (they are not what we wanted them to... ummm... make them), guilt (I didn’t complete everything, I’m a bad mother, I was a bad father in childhood).

On the part of children, criticism from a parent (from whom they wanted good family relationships, a cozy “haven”) is perceived as rejection.

And there can be one reaction to rejection - mutually reject.

If a grown-up child obediently eats and eats this criticism, then look for:

• bad relationship in his/her couple;
• psychosomatics;
• excess weight;
• dependencies.

So if a parent criticizes, but adult children do not like him and try not to communicate again, then this is not only natural, but also partly healthier if the children agreed to accept criticism.

What to do:

• switch to I-messages (I feel bad, it’s hard for me to see, I worry when you are there);
• filter the market;
• see if this is not a criticism of one’s own “unacceptable” qualities.

Parents should love their children, raise them and take care of them. They must help children develop and become independent people. Unfortunately, some parents treat their children quite poorly, depriving them of warmth and care, or even abandoning them altogether. It hurts to feel that your parents don't love you, and this pain can be not only emotional, but also physical. The best way to deal with this is to accept the fact that you can't change other people, just focus on yourself.

Steps

Think about ways to solve this problem

Talk to a good friend or family member about it. Sometimes a person will feel better just by talking to someone about their problem. Talk to one of your family or friends about what is happening in your family.

• For example, you can try talking to a close friend about what your parents are doing and how you feel about it. Find a person with whom you feel good and comfortable, who will not turn his back on you. Tell this person what you would tell your parents.
• Try not to become emotionally dependent on this person, just talk to him when you need to vent. If you suddenly find yourself calling him again and again, be careful not to become dependent on this person. If you feel like you're becoming more and more dependent on other people, talk to your school counselor.

1. Find yourself a mentor. A mentor will help you make important decisions in your life, teach you what your parents cannot (or do not want) to teach you. You can find a mentor who can help you master school subjects, help you navigate difficult situations, or help you succeed at work. Consider whether there is a trusted, responsible adult in your life who could serve as a mentor. For example, could it be a coach, teacher, boss?

   • If your boss or sports coach offers to help you, reconsider whether this person can become your mentor. In fact, you can ask someone for help yourself. Say, “I am amazed at what you have accomplished! I also hope someday to succeed in life in the same way and reach your level. But I don't know where to start. Could you teach me?"
   • Try not to become too dependent on your mentor. Keep in mind that a mentor still cannot replace your parents, so you should not expect parental care from this person. A mentor is someone who can help you achieve your goals in school, work, or some other area of ​​your life.

2. Talk to a therapist or school counselor. It's not easy to come to terms with your parents' behavior, so you may have to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will help you understand yourself and develop defense mechanisms that will help you feel much better.

   • If your school has a psychologist, be sure to see if you can make an appointment to discuss this issue. If you feel embarrassed or don't know how to start this conversation, talk to a teacher you trust first.
   • Ask your parents if you can see a therapist. Say: “I have recently encountered an unpleasant situation, I need to talk to a specialist about it. Please help me find a good psychotherapist."
   • Keep in mind that if your parents are bullying you, the school counselor or therapist will be required to report it.

3. Resist the temptation to compare how your parents treat you and your sisters/brothers. If you think your parents treat your brother better than they treat you, it doesn't necessarily mean they love either of you more. There is most likely a reason why they are paying more attention to your brother during this time period. Most often, this is intuitive behavior, so your parents may not even realize that they treat you differently.

   Try not to take it personally. Sometimes it can be difficult to accept criticism and abuse from people close to you who should love you, even if you know full well that they are not telling the truth. Remember that your parents' words and behavior apply more to them, not to you.

   • The next time one of your parents says or does something mean to you, tell yourself: “I am a good person, I value myself. My parents are just trying to cope with their problems, that’s why they do/say things like that.”

4. Be kind to yourself. Some children who experience parental abuse begin to feel bad about themselves, for example, they try to hurt themselves, start using alcohol and drugs, and fail academically. Remember that none of this will improve your condition. Instead of giving in to this temptation, start practicing self-care and self-love, such as:

   • Do not smoke or drink alcohol or drugs.

5. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. People who grow up in adverse environments tend to have negative thoughts about themselves, which can lower their self-esteem. To learn to think positively about yourself and your life, try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

   • For example, if you constantly repeat to yourself something your parents told you (for example, “You're stupid if you can't understand division”), try to replace that thought (say, “Yes, long division is a difficult task for me, but I can learn it if I try."

6. Write yourself a cheat sheet of positive thoughts. This will help you immediately identify negative thoughts that lower your self-esteem and replace them with positive thoughts. So, first, draw a table with four columns.

   • In the first column, write a list of negative thoughts. For example, these thoughts may include: “I don’t know how to make decisions” or “I’m not very smart.”
   • In the second column, write why you think this is true. Do your parents push you to think this way, or do you feel this way yourself?
   • In the third column, write about what this negative belief costs you (what emotions and problems in your personal life). You may be depressed, withdrawn, afraid to try new things and fail, afraid to trust and get close to people, and so on. The list should be short but specific about what you are missing by allowing yourself to believe that these statements are true.
   • In the last column, rewrite this thought so that it becomes positive. For example, you could change a statement about your intelligence to write: “I am a smart and capable person, and I have achieved a lot with my knowledge.”

7. Get out of the house more often. Start an interesting and full of good impressions life outside your home to feel like a happy person, even if everything is not so smooth in your family life. Think about ways in which you could make a contribution to the community. If you have an active social life, your self-esteem and self-confidence will increase much faster as you focus on happiness and growth.

   • Volunteer for an organization in your area. Find a job that you enjoy, or join a hobby club or sports section.

   Watch your health

   1. Be sure to report if your parents are physically or sexually abusing you. If your parents bully you, get help immediately. Talk about this with your teacher, doctor, school psychologist, or contact the police or child welfare authorities. The longer you are exposed to violence, the more difficult it will be for you to recover your psyche later. Don't let people (even your loved ones) insult you and use physical force. Try to distance yourself from them as soon as possible.

      If possible, break off relationships with those who offend you. If you can end your relationship with an abusive parent, do so. Of course, it's hard to stop communicating with someone you cared about, especially a loved one, but your main job is to take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up over having to cut ties with your parent(s) if you feel like that's the best thing to do.

      Resist the temptation to withdraw from peers and other adults. You may think that you can avoid the pain that people can cause if you just cut ties with them, but remember that people need communication in order to succeed. Children who grow up without parental love or the care of an adult are less likely to succeed in life, less likely to be happy, and get sick more often than others. Communicate with friends and loved ones more often, spend as much time with them as possible, be open and friendly with new acquaintances and trustworthy adults.

   2. Learn to be independent. If your parents are failing to raise you and teach you to be independent after high school, ask another adult you trust to help prepare you for the “real world.”

      • Learn to allocate a budget, use a washing machine, and turn on the water heater in your apartment.
      • Assess your expenses for independent living and think about what you need to get started. Find a job and save to pay a deposit for your own apartment and the most necessary furniture.
      • Don't give up on your studies despite family problems so that you can go to college. Ask your school counselor to help you find a college that offers affordable tuition.

   Think about whether your parents treat you badly

   1. Observe how your parents react to your successes and achievements. One of the signs that your parents treat you poorly is the fact that they do not recognize your achievements in various areas. This means that either your parents refuse to understand that you were able to achieve something, or they simply do not consider your achievements significant. Some parents may even ridicule your achievements.

      • For example, if you managed to get a good grade in an exam, your parents should congratulate and praise you. Parents who treat you poorly will ignore your message, change the subject and take pleasure in making you feel stupid, they may simply say, “So what? It's just a test."

   2. Think about what methods your parents use to control you. It's normal for your parents to just guide you, but if your parents control your behavior, it's crossing the line. For example, their control may involve making small decisions, or it may go so far as to control which school or college you go to. If you feel like your parents control your decisions and behavior too much, then they are treating you poorly.

      • For example, parents who trust you to make your own decisions may start asking questions about what college you want to attend and why. Parents who try to control your behavior and all your decisions will tell you which college you should go to.

   3. Notice the lack of emotional connection between you. Parents who have a great relationship with their children maintain emotional connection, eye contact, smile at each other and hug each other. If your parents treat you badly, they will not behave as described above.

      • For example, if parents have an emotional connection with their child, they will support him when he is upset. If the parent and child do not have an emotional connection, then the parent is more likely to yell at the child or ignore him when he cries.

   4. Consider whether there are boundaries in communication between you and your parents. Boundaries are very important in the relationship between a child and parents. If you have reasonable communication boundaries, you won't feel like you and your parents are living the same life.

      • For example, your parents should give you words of encouragement that will help you calm down and boost your self-esteem. But you will definitely feel bad if your parents tell you: “You're worthless!”, “I can't stand being in the same room with you!”
      • Some parents will be kind and nice to you today, but tomorrow they will suddenly become irritable and angry. But keep in mind that all of this is just verbal abuse unless your parents are physically harming you.

   5. Learn to recognize narcissistic behavior. Parents who focus only on themselves do not notice their children, and therefore cannot treat them responsibly. If your parents constantly ignore you or only notice you when you do something they can brag about to their friends, this is definitely a sign of narcissistic behavior.

      • For example, your parents should support your interests. However, narcissistic parents will only support your interests if they benefit them in some way. For example, if they have the opportunity to brag to their friends that their child receives a scholarship, although, in fact, they did not even ask about your academic success and never praised you.
      • Some parents may have a personality disorder. A person suffering from a personality disorder refuses to accept responsibility, is subject to constant self-justification, has a constant feeling that he is always right, and is incapable of deep emotions. A parent with a personality disorder may view their child as a burden or an obstacle to personal goals. Typically, such parents control their children by manipulating their emotions. In addition, people with personality disorders often abuse their children and may even jeopardize their personal well-being.

   6. Think about it, have you ever played the role of a parent? Some parents are too young or have other problems (such as drug addiction) that make it difficult for them to fulfill their responsibilities and be good parents for their child, because of this the child often takes on parental responsibilities . Consider whether you have had to take on parenting responsibilities because your parents were unable (or unwilling) to care for you or your siblings. For example, these responsibilities may include cooking, cleaning, and caring for other children.

      • Often your parents assign you cooking and cleaning the house to teach you responsibility. But if your parents treat you poorly, they will assign you a whole bunch of tasks alone so that they don't have to do their responsibilities yourself. For example, a parent who does not want to cook or clean himself may constantly shirk these responsibilities by shifting them to one of his children and entrusting him with doing everything at once: both cooking and cleaning.

Who don't love their parents? It is not customary to discuss such topics in society, but we took the plunge and were right: it was discussed actively and seriously.

To set the record straight in the parent-child relationship, we decided to talk to a psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich about parents who don't love their children. And that's not a bad thing.

Let's return to the peasants. Children were needed as insurance, while their lives were poorly valued. And psychological well-being was not considered at all. In the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, in the Russian Empire, there was constant famine. Then there was no task for everything to be fine. Survived - great. We made it to spring - good. Having something to sow is great. The level of aspiration was at the ankles, but now it is above the head. This is where psychological difficulties begin for parents.

After all, parents love the way they have developed it. Personal contribution, childhood experience, and one’s attitude towards parents play a role here. Some parents are calm about their children, some really don't like them. Because loving a child is extra work. And not everyone has this mechanism of affection that works as well as we would like.

You can be surprised at the dislike of some parents for their children only if you know nothing at all about human nature and live in fantasies about the instincts of motherhood.

The child is extremely demanding of attention, and therefore there is a very tough conflict going on now. Previously, there was very little entertainment. It's funny to say: in the 1970s, even cleaning could be fun.

A person needs to structure his time; he cannot just sit and be bored for a long time. Now we have Facebook, and you can sit there for years. There is a TV. Previously, a child, among other things, was a good means of structuring time. It was a small toy in the extended sense of the word.

And now the child distracts from the opportunity to go to Vilnius for the weekend or does not allow me to spend money on going to Silichi, because I need to buy diapers. And it turns out that the person does not know what to do with the child. It's not as fun as expected, and it's also limiting.

With such importance of freedom for modern man, all this together gives a very serious effect of rejection. Previously, let me remind you, a child was not required to be loved like this. Giving him a kick was for a dear soul. And now everything is different.

When one child is loved more than another

It cannot be said that there is any one reason why some children are loved and others are not. This is a very diverse phenomenon. This happens because one of the children is more convenient.

For example, someone is more in line with the parents' expectations: dad wanted the children to become boxers, and of the three sons, only one followed in his father's footsteps, the second took up knitting, and the third was a librarian. And these two are some kind of “wrong men,” and the first one is “very good.”

This occurs in single-parent families or even in complete, but conflicting ones, when in a child, especially of the opposite sex, one parent notices some manifestations of the other parent that he hates. For example, the boy's father always ruffled his hair in a certain way. The boy does the same, and it infuriates his mother. She hates the child because he looks like daddy, and daddy is an asshole. And she loves her daughter, for example, because she looks like her.

People are very complex creatures, and reducing everything to one reason will not work. There are many reasons, and it is very individual.

What should unloved children do in such situations?

Nothing for children. All they can do is look for another significant adult.

There is the so-called “Hawaiian Study” (Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith, 2001), which was carried out over forty years. They analyzed the behavior of about a thousand people, and they started doing this even before they were born, and they also looked at families. It turned out that, by and large, a small child is influenced by one factor that determines his normal or abnormal socialization. Not bullying from peers, not hurricanes, not losses, not rape, not beatings - but emotional intimacy with an elder.

That is, if there is some kind of older brother, mother, stepfather, coach, fisherman on the pier, it doesn’t matter who at all - this is quite enough for the child. If this person accepts him, supports him, is emotionally close to him and the child feels good with him, this is enough for him to live quite well. The psyche of children is very plastic. To cripple a child’s psyche, you have to try very hard.

When events are permanent, for example, a child is constantly bullied at school, then this can lead to some problems and often does, but not always. And if this is some kind of one-time action, something happened somewhere, this, most likely, will not leave any trace at all. Because the idea of ​​the amazing fragility of man is not supported by anything at all.

There is such a thing - post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to the broadest estimates, only 15% of the adult population is susceptible to this. It’s normal when a bomb explodes in front of your eyes, and three days later you decide to watch the new episode of Sherlock. And PTSD is when an event haunts a person, disrupts his usual life and does not allow him to return to it even after several years.

Our psyche is much stronger than it seems. Otherwise we wouldn't have survived.

Nevertheless, it is still worth urging parents to be careful with their children. Although there is no clear solution here either. After all, on the one hand, this is reasonable, but on the other hand, we bring the parent into a constant state of self-blame: I did something wrong, I refused the child, he cried for two hours, and this is a trauma for him.

No, the child will survive this and process it. Especially if the parent doesn’t point a finger at him and say that you’ve been crying for two hours - you’re a crybaby.

There is a social program in the USA called Big Brothers Big Sisters, it is very old. We once had it too. It is very simple: a child from an orphanage is assigned a “sister” or “brother” 5-6 years older from a team of volunteers. And according to certain rules, they meet 2-3 times a week and go somewhere. It is advisable that they do not go out to have fun, but do something together.

For example, such an older brother can take the child to his workshop if he works somewhere, and the sister can take the girl to the dentist. This program already miraculously socializes the child, although in fact we only have 8 hours of communication per week. This doesn't mean they hug all the time. A little warmth and affection, and you don’t have to make a tradition out of it. And that's enough.

How to talk to your parents about this

Here we are faced with socially acceptable answers. Even anonymously, we cannot rule out that a person wants to look good in his own eyes. And he writes that yes, I love my children.

It's like a study on cheating: it's impossible to determine how much people actually cheat on each other. Only if a video camera is implanted in everyone's eye. Technically, we are not implementing this yet. It's the same with parents. We need to solve the main problem - what does “love” mean? For example, a parent never lies - does he love it or not? Always buys toys - does he like it or not?

But it's worth trying to talk to your parents. There are two directions here. On the one hand, you need to look for a significant elder with whom you can have good emotional contact. And the second is to go to your parents and build relationships with them. After all, there is not only love and emotional intimacy, but also actions that can be performed, and for this you do not have to be close - for example, wishing you a happy birthday, helping with the housework, etc. You don't have to experience love.

What you should definitely do is not tell yourself that I’m so unhappy now because my parents don’t love me. This is useless and counterproductive.

My colleague Sergei Shishkov says that it is never too late to have a happy childhood and it is never too late to ruin your childhood. Here you need to understand one more basic thing: children always expect more than their parents, in principle, can give them.

Any child can say that they were not loved enough because their parents did not always do exactly what the child wanted. The same is true, by the way, in marital relationships. Based on this, everyone can be considered unloved.

It turns out a simple thing: if a person in adulthood begins to believe that he was not loved, he dramatizes it all. And if he thinks: well, yes, my mother was cold to me, but she raised me, fed me - well, thank God, thank you, mom - then everything in his life will be fine.

Some kind of warm, ideal relationship with parents is a rather rare thing, and I’m not sure that it’s easy to create it as I would like. This is a lot of work on both sides, but first, of course, on the parents’ side, because they are older. But how many people do this kind of work?

Many people say they love their children. And what they do is feed, water, and clothe. All. This is also a form of love - the maximum they can give.

What parents still owe their children

Everything that is prescribed by law. In the Code on Marriage and Family, which says that cruelty to children is prohibited, that proper care for them is mandatory, and so on. Everything that is not spelled out in the law is optional.

Of course, it would be great if the parent was moderately caring and moderately free, moderately affectionate and moderately demanding. There are no perfect people. You can say about absolutely any parent that he is bad.

If we speak from the position that a parent should, then we create a feeling of guilt in him. This is a shaky position. When I say that you need to do everything according to the law, and the rest - as you want, then the parent may behave badly towards the child.

But if we say, “Hey, parent, you have to love the child,” then this creates the classic problem of a working woman who also has a family, especially if the child is 2-3 years old. She lives in a constant feeling of guilt. And will it be good for her if we say that you should take care of the children, because the atmosphere in the house depends on the woman?

Many people take this very hard. And we created this difficult experience by convincing the parent that he (she) owes something. In fact, we create a basis for feeling guilty. Is it worth doing this? Big question, I don't think there is a good or simple answer to it.

Photo: website.