As children, we all often heard the phrase “My home is my castle,” but as adults, we cannot always say the same about our home. As sad as it may be, being around the people who seem to be closest to you can sometimes be unsafe. Of course, you can talk for a long time about the fact that beating those who are weaker than you is very bad, but the problem of family violence, alas, is becoming more and more relevant. According to statistics, every fourth family experiences cases of domestic violence. Unfortunately, in our country they do not pay due attention to this issue, or even simply turn a blind eye to it, and only in large cities there are centers that help victims of domestic violence. In this article we want to tell you how to identify a domestic tyrant and what to do if you are a victim of domestic violence.

Who is prone to domestic violence

People who are prone to violence are mostly weak, with low self-esteem. By lowering others to his level, such a person tries to prove to them and to himself his superiority. Usually, “domestic abusers” are actually distinguished by a fair amount of self-doubt, but the most important thing is that they are most often those who themselves were subjected to violence in childhood. Having become adults, they, just like their older relatives once did, throw out all the negativity on members of their own family and humiliate them. This is why domestic violence is so common these days.
– this is the inability to ask and correctly express one’s opinion. An insecure person often doesn’t even try to explain something to his wife or children; he immediately uses his fists. In addition, such people usually also lack the concepts of objectivity and deservedness, while the desire for leadership is very strong, especially in dealing with those who cannot give them a worthy rebuff. After all, domestic violence is not only assault, but also humiliation, oppression and sexual violence. Often such aggressors themselves do not realize that they can cause serious harm to the health of another person, but at the same time they have a good sense of who can be aggressive towards and who not. As a rule, such a “domestic lawless” is respected in society and is never suspected of anything.

How to recognize a domestic tyrant in a man

If you don't want to become a victim of domestic violence, you need to learn to recognize potential domestic abusers before marriage. These are the traits that show that a man is capable of domestic violence.
Disrespectful behavior towards you.
Remember: if a man treats you with disrespect, humiliates you, makes fun of you in front of strangers, then this is a sign that he simply does not care about you. This is fertile ground for violence. If you start complaining and saying that you don’t like this attitude, the man’s next step may be increasing control over you and violence itself.
This may sound surprising to some of the readers of MirSovetov, but there is another side to disrespect - when a partner treats you like an expensive purchase and considers you completely ideal. Many women would like a man to worship them, but do not forget that in this case he sees not you, but his fantasy. And if you stop meeting his expectations, he will most likely get angry and begin to be rude and loose his hands. Honestly, if you compare the man who insults and humiliates his wife and the one who idealizes her, the difference will not be that big. Indeed, in both of these situations, they do not see the woman as an individual and do not respect her.
A man is constantly controlling you.
Constant control is the surest sign that a man can be a despot. But excessive control is not always immediately recognized. After all, as a rule, at the first stage of a relationship, such a man’s behavior is perceived as proof of his feelings for you. At first he simply advises how you should dress and make up, what style of clothing to choose, then he begins to speak badly about your friends and relatives. Then his comments turn into demands, failure to comply with which can provoke cruelty and rudeness.
The man is constantly jealous.
Some women like it when men are jealous of them, but jealousy is different. If a woman begins to flirt with another in front of her partner, then in this case jealousy is completely justified. But if he is jealous without any reason and even reaches the point of jealousy towards girlfriends and friends, then you should be wary. After all, such jealousy indicates that the man is not confident in either you or himself.
is one of the signs that a man can become a domestic tyrant. Of course, if a man is jealous, but does not show it, there is nothing to fear, but if he often makes scandals for any reason, or even without it, you should think about it. Unfortunately, very often love is mistaken for nothing more than a sense of ownership.
If a gentleman constantly bothers you with calls asking where you are and what you are doing, or wants you to spend all your free time with him, this does not mean at all that he lacks communication with you. Most likely, he just wants to lay claim to you. By the way, the same applies to women, because beautiful ladies also sometimes turn out to be real family dictators. Neither a woman nor a man is obliged to radically change their lives (unless, of course, they themselves want to) just to please their partner’s pride and follow his lead.
A man never admits his guilt.
If you notice that a man always blames someone else for any problems, but not himself, then this is a sure sign that soon he will blame only you for all problems. And yet, men of this type very often make false promises, and when they do not fulfill them, they always find thousands of reasons to justify themselves.
Here are a few more signs by which you can identify a “domestic abuser”:
– he abuses alcohol;
– he uses drugs;
– he sometimes forces you to have sex;
– He has a negative attitude towards women in general.

Types of domestic violence

There are several main types of domestic violence: psychological, emotional, economic and sexual violence. Let's talk about them in more detail.
Psychological violence– these are insults, blackmail, threats, intimidation, control over the victim’s life, coercion to any unwanted actions. This is the most common type of domestic violence. It should be noted that while other types of violence are easy to identify, signs of psychological violence are rarely noticeable, but its consequences are very often extremely severe. In addition, it usually occurs in conjunction with other types of violence.
Often, features of psychological violence can be traced in the treatment of parents with children: this can be a hostile attitude, indifference, humiliation, which results in a decline in the child or adolescent. Over time, the little person becomes more confident that he is bad, worthless, undeserving of love, and that he is absolutely nothing at all. Subsequently, such a child grows up with low self-esteem, self-doubt and many more complexes, which he will take out on his loved ones - his wife (husband) and children.
Emotional Abuse– this is constant criticism from a partner (too fat, stupid, dressing poorly, ugly, etc.), humiliation in public. For the purpose of manipulation, a man can deceive and embellish reality. The husband takes control, and in order to buy any small thing, the wife must always ask her husband’s permission. The partner or husband prohibits the woman from communicating with relatives and friends without his presence. He constantly convinces a woman that without him she is nobody and nothing. After a woman thinks of herself as a complete insignificance, a man can use physical violence.
Physical violence– physical violence includes not only assault, but also slaps, slaps and kicks. If a man has hit you at least once, do not believe in his repentance and promises that it will not happen again. After the first beating, radical measures must be taken, otherwise the beatings will be repeated more and more often, until the victim is killed.
Economic violence is that one of the partners does not allow the other to work, manage the family budget, and controls every purchase. In most cases, women and adolescents are subjected to such violence. The tyrant husband forbids his wife to go to work, takes all expenses on himself, and when she finds herself completely financially dependent on him, bullying, assault and blackmail are used.
Sexual violence– forced to have sex against a woman’s will. Sometimes rapist husbands force their wives to have sex after beating them, watch pornographic films and repeat the actions of the characters.

How to deal with domestic violence

Very often, women endure domestic violence and do not complain about it to anyone because they are afraid of condemnation from others. Typically, victims of domestic violence think that they themselves deserve this attitude towards themselves. Many are afraid of the instability that threatens them if they leave their husband.
Another very important factor why women continue to live with family despots is the presence of children. There are very frequent cases when a husband, who has money and power, threatens that during a divorce the children will remain with him and his wife will never see them again.
If you decide to leave your tyrant husband, then you should develop an action plan in advance and insure yourself just in case:
If your husband or partner beats you again, go to the hospital and record the fact of beating. This will help later in the divorce.
Collect the keys to the apartment, documents, necessary things and, if possible, money in advance. Hide it all in a safe place, such as with your parents or friends.
Don't threaten to leave. If you threaten but do nothing, your husband simply will not take your words seriously, and you yourself will soon lose faith that you will be able to leave. If your husband believes in your intentions, then this can only make matters worse: who knows what steps he will take to “get ahead of the curve.”
Find people in advance with whom you can live for the first time. It is advisable that they are not familiar to your husband.
Do not leave the apartment without things and documents, otherwise after a while you will be forced to return to the aggressor, and the consequences of this may not be at all rosy.
If you have children, do everything possible to prevent them from becoming victims of a domestic tyrant. If child abuse has already occurred, tell as many people as possible about it. Then they will be able to become witnesses in court.
And the last thing I would like to say to the readers of MirSovetov is never hide facts of domestic violence from relatives and friends. Know: you have nothing to be ashamed of and what happens is not your fault. And remember that if a partner uses physical or sexual violence, then in 95% of cases this is not limited to one time. You should not believe his promises and oaths that this will not happen again. No matter how much you love your partner, immediately after the first beating or sexual assault, take drastic measures before it is too late. Domestic violence is a complex type of violence. This is a cycle of physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual and economic humiliation and intimidation that repeats with increasing frequency in order to maintain control over the victim. Family violence is a fairly common phenomenon throughout the world and in all segments of the population. Domestic violence is spoken of in cases where the facts of rough and cruel treatment are not isolated, not random and situational, but regular, systematic and constantly repeated. With all the variety of types of violence - physical, sexual, psychological, economic, etc. – it is characteristic of family violence that it acquires a universal, generalized character. There is no such thing as a family rapist who violates his victim or victims in one way (Psychological assistance, 2000).

As discussed above, women are more likely than men to be victims of domestic violence. Cases of domestic violence against men are not so widespread, although they are not uncommon, and therefore they should not be discounted. Moreover, it is women who initiate and commit violence against children, even women who are considered loving mothers. And finally, when both partners constantly provoke each other and start fights, quarrels, scandals, insult and humiliate each other, mutual violence occurs. At the same time, according to researchers, it does not matter who initiates them: both parties bear responsibility.

Often, a woman living in a situation of violence does not even realize that what is happening to her can be classified as this category. In domestic violence, the partner (husband, ex-husband, lover) insults and humiliates the woman; does not allow her to see friends and relatives; hits her or screams and threatens to beat her; hits children; forces a woman to have sex against her will; does not want the woman to work; makes her think that only he can properly manage the family money; constantly criticizes her (how the woman is dressed, how she prepares food, how she looks); instills a sense of guilt towards children and uses children for indirect violence. It occurs if a woman in the family feels helpless and useless, is afraid of her partner, feels lonely, blames only herself for everything, has given up on herself and lives only obeying a sense of duty (Korablina et al., 2001).

When examining the source of a couple's problems, it is necessary to examine the factors and conditions that brought the spouses together and continue to support their marriage to this day. According to existing complex models, for example, the theory of J. Murstein (Murstein, 1970), when choosing a marriage partner, three factors, three forces of attraction, operate: desire, merit and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their value changes in each phase. Each phase serves as a kind of filter for screening out unsuitable partners.

In the first phase (desire, motivation to build relationships), factors such as external attractiveness and demeanor play a significant role (how these characteristics are assessed by other people is also important). In the second phase (dignity), the center of gravity shifts mainly towards similarities of interests, points of view, and values. In the third phase, first of all, role compatibility is assessed. Partners determine whether they can take complementary roles in the marital union, which will allow them to satisfy their needs.

The principle of “exchange compatibility” applies at all phases. Equilibrium is achieved only when such an exchange is equal from the point of view of the partners. The source of problems is often unfulfilled expectations, which are partly conscious and formulated, partly conscious, but not discussed with the partner, and partly unconscious.

The greatest number of clashes and conflicts occur in the first years of a family’s existence: at the stage of formation of individual communication stereotypes, coordination of value systems and development of a common ideological position. In fact, at this stage there is a mutual adaptation of the spouses, a search for a type of relationship that would satisfy both. At the same time, the spouses are faced with the following tasks: 1) forming a family structure; 2) distribution of functions (or roles) between husband and wife; 3) developing common family values ​​(Borisov, 1987). To carry out mutual adaptation of marriage partners, it is necessary to have compatibility of their ideas according to the three specified parameters; ideal would be their complete coincidence, but in real life this is impossible (Kalmykova, 1983).

Therefore, in particular, the most critical periods in terms of domestic violence are the first marriage period (up to 1.5-2 years) and the period after 10-15 years of marriage. These are the stages of two main crises in interpersonal family relationships, during which both the relationships themselves and their participants change. Moreover, the first critical period, which determines changes in the victim’s behavior, is associated with the complete “dissolution” of her identity in her partner and in her relationship with him. A man deliberately asserts his power, thereby perpetuating the woman’s powerlessness. As a rule, a young woman, more often than representatives of older age groups, does not want to put up with manifestations of psychological (and even more so physical) violence, strives to change her situation, seeks the help of a psychologist, and is even ready to part with the partner from whom she is experiencing violence. At the same time, a woman’s economic dependence, refusal “of her life” for the sake of “family interests” support violence from her husband (partner) (Gradskova, 2000)

After the first or second year of marriage, the process of family and marriage development reaches a level when the personal qualities of the spouses come to the fore, determining the stability of the marriage. Increasing demands on a marriage partner creates the basis for potential conflicts based on differences in interests, views, values ​​and character traits. If all efforts to overcome tension are unsuccessful, the development of the relationship leads to the dissolution of the marriage or to its “consolidation”, but on a pathological basis - that is, on the basis of consent to violence. Then the stress becomes chronic, and the so-called post-traumatic stress reaction develops.

To describe the post-traumatic stress reaction resulting from violence, the concepts of “accident neurosis”, “compensatory hysteria”, “traumatic neurasthenia”, etc. are used. Violence often causes a delay or decrease in the level of physical and mental functioning and development, neurotic reactions, various somatic diseases (obesity, sudden weight loss, stomach ulcers, skin diseases, allergies). The behavior of the victims is characterized by anxiety and anxiety.

Typical symptoms include sleep disturbances, chronic depression, aggressiveness, a tendency toward solitude, excessive compliance, ingratiating, obsequious behavior, threats or attempts at suicide, inability to communicate, establish relationships with other people, low self-esteem, etc.

In the second period, the victim, who has undergone many difficulties and has become more sensitive, fragile, that is, even more “victimized,” tries to comprehend what is happening. However, chronic experiences of crisis, abuse and constant trauma during this period form the so-called “battered woman syndrome” (abbreviated as BWS). L. Walker in the early 80s. The twentieth century included the following aspects in the concept of SIL: fear, depression, guilt, passivity and low self-esteem (Walker, 2000). Later, J. Douglas proposed a new reorganized version of the SIL, including signs and evidence of domestic violence (Douglas et al., 1988):

Traumatic effect of violence (anxiety, somatic symptoms);

The presence of learned helplessness (depression, low self-esteem, low ability to resolve conflicts);

Destructive mechanisms of working with violence (guilt, denial of violence, misunderstanding of its essence).

In addition, women exposed to violence are more likely to have affective pathology (depression) and abuse of alcohol and drugs against this background (Malkina-Pykh, 2006).

We can say that it is the “accustomment to violence” on the part of the victim, its elevation into a cultural norm, that is the main factor supporting long-term violence on the part of the spouse. And such habituation, according to T. Winch’s complementary (“complementary”) theory of marriage, begins with the parental family: children learn and repeat the models of their parents’ marital relations (Winch et al., 1954). Comparative studies of relationships in favorable and conflict families have shown that the balance of relationships is greatly influenced by the marriage model of the parents, the relationship of the father to the mother, and childhood experiences. Balanced spouses were calm in childhood, they were rarely punished, they were caressed more often, and they talked openly about sex issues. Their relationships are more harmonious, and they do not have to waste energy on correcting their partner and relationships with him, on disappointment - in the partner and in the relationship, in the family as such, as well as on revenge, betrayal and other ways of “restoring justice.”

There are some common characteristics of real and potential victims of domestic violence: passivity, subservience, lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, guilt. These qualities, on the one hand, are conditions for the emergence of domestic violence, on the other hand, they worsen over time and entail the development of violence. There are also common characteristics of rapists: criticality towards others, aggressiveness, power, secrecy, impulsiveness. Also a common characteristic is the preference for the strategy of dominance and suppression in conflict.

A more positive perception of oneself, understanding a conflict situation as violence creates more constructive interaction and reduces the intensity and variety of forms of violence. The tendency to blame oneself or to see the cause of the conflict in external circumstances determines the choice of destructive interaction strategies that support acts of violence on the part of the partner.

Very often, victim behavior is a form of aggression or self-aggression: it is aimed at suppressing and controlling the behavior and experiences of other people or oneself. This is illustrated by the observations of psychoanalysts. For example, the well-known “Oedipus complex” in men or the “Electra complex” in women force a person to look for and choose as friends, acquaintances, spouses and co-workers people who are similar to tyrant fathers or mothers. A perverted desire for security forces the victim to choose tyrants as his “defenders.” Their behavior will never be unexpected and therefore frightening for the victim. And therefore, it is comfortable. Genuine love, tenderness, and kindness can frighten the victim.

Thus, very often a woman does not find the strength to part with her husband or cohabitant. There are many reasons for this: financial dependence, inability to find housing, policies towards women, cultural and historical traditions. Not the least important place in this is occupied by the myths that are shared by the people around us. Let's look at a number of myths about domestic violence.

Myth: Domestic violence is not a crime, but just a scandal - a family matter that should not be interfered with.

Domestic violence is a criminal offense. In many countries, lawyers and advocates specializing in protecting women's rights believe that domestic violence ranks high among all types of crime. There is liability for certain types of crimes: bodily harm, beatings, torture, rape, etc.

Myth: Abuse of women occurs predominantly in the lower strata of society and among ethnic minorities.

However, evidence suggests that wife beating is widespread across all social and economic groups. Women belonging to the middle and upper class try not to disclose their problems. They may also fear social difficulties and protect their husband's career. Many believe that the respect their husbands enjoy in society will cast doubt on the credibility of the beating stories. On the other hand, low-income women are deprived of such prejudices, so their problems are more visible.

Myth: Abused women are masochists and crazy.

Evidence suggests that few people enjoy being beaten or insulted. Women do not leave such relationships mainly because they are economically dependent on their partner, because they are ashamed to tell someone about the abuse and do not know where to turn for help, or because they are afraid of retaliation in response to their actions. Sometimes society and family persuade a woman to stay with her husband. Survival behavior is often misinterpreted as madness.

Myth: Violence is directly related to alcoholism; Only drinking men beat their wives.

Evidence suggests that a third of men who commit violence do not drink at all; many of them suffer from alcoholism, but abuse their wives both drunk and sober. And only a few men are almost always drunk. Alcohol removes inhibitions and makes beating acceptable and justifiable for some men.

Myth: Women deliberately provoke their torturers.

Evidence suggests that society, unwilling to attribute blame to the male perpetrator, instead rationalizes and even justifies the violence by portraying the victim as a nagging, whining woman, while the abuser uses any minor frustration or irritation as an excuse for his actions.

Myth: If a wife wanted, she could leave her abusive husband.

There are many reasons that prevent a woman from leaving her abuser: she is ashamed to tell strangers about what happened; it’s scary that the offender will become even more furious and the violence will increase; housing problems; economic dependence; lack of support from friends and financial assistance; emotional attachment to husband. Most often, there is a combination of reasons at work here. The most dangerous period for a woman comes after she decides to leave her abuser. In this situation, a man may become more aggressive in the face of the possibility of losing his “property.”

Myth: Children need a father, even if he is aggressive, or “I only stay because of the children.”

Without a doubt, children need a family that loves and supports them. But if, instead of love and understanding, a child is faced with aggression and violence, then this increases anxiety and fatigue, giving rise to psychosomatic disorders and disorders in the psychological sphere.

Myth: A slap never seriously hurts.

Violence is cyclical and gradually increasing. It can begin simply with criticism, moving on to humiliation, isolation, then to slaps, blows, regular beatings - even death.

Thus, myths are at odds with facts. Any man, whether he is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a psychopath or not, can be a rapist. In fact, many of them control themselves well, go to prestigious jobs, are active in society, and have many friends (Mokhovikov, 2001).

The most common reasons why women suffering from domestic violence cannot change their life situation:

1) fear of leaving (a woman who dares to leave is sometimes exposed to mortal danger);

2) ignorance of one’s own rights and capabilities;

3) housing problems (lack of real legislative measures guaranteeing the possibility of resettlement or exchange of a shared apartment);

4) economic problems (impossibility of maintaining material well-being alone, absolute economic dependence on the husband, lack of work, etc.).

Numerous false social attitudes regarding family and marriage also lead to indecision, such as:

– divorce is a sign of a woman’s defeat;

– violence is present in all families (only all family members try to hide it);

– family is a woman’s destiny, and only a woman is responsible for what happens here;

- “without me he will be lost”;

– it is necessary to sacrifice oneself and endure everything for the sake of children;

– it’s impossible to find help – no one needs other people’s problems.

Women are prevented from leaving their families not only by this, but also by the illusion that violence will never happen again. Unfortunately, in most cases this is not the case. Cycles of violence have three repeating stages, the duration of each stage and their frequency vary in each individual case. But these patterns always repeat with increasing strength and frequency (Menovshchikov, 2002).

The first phase, or the stage of increasing tension, is reduced to minor beatings, while tension between partners increases. Victims come out of this situation in different ways: they can deny the very fact of the beating or minimize the significance of the violence (“It could be worse, it’s just a bruise”). External factors influence the speed of transition to the next stage. Victims of abuse go to great lengths to control these factors—even justifying the abuse of their partner and others.

The second phase is characterized by serious cases of beatings. The abuser is unable to control his destructive behavior and events become serious. The main difference between the second stage and the first is that here both parties realize that the situation is out of control. Only one person can put an end to violence - the abuser himself. The victim's behavior at this stage does not change anything.

The third stage, the honeymoon, is a period of extraordinary peace and love, attention and even, in some cases, repentance. Rude treatment is replaced by gifts, good manners, assurances that violence will never happen again, and pleas for forgiveness. The victim wants to believe that this nightmare will never happen again. During this period, partners note that a sincere feeling of love flared up between them again. However, because this relationship is destructive, the honeymoon phase ends with a transition to the increasing tension phase in a new cycle of violence.

American researcher of family violence L. McCloskey identifies the main reasons for its stabilization; in her opinion, they depend entirely on the woman, who is unable to radically change the situation and break out of the vicious circle of such relationships, thereby saving both herself and her loved ones from suffering. Often a woman, not understanding the origins of unmotivated cruelty, begins to blame or condemn herself, and look for the causes of violence in herself. Shifting blame from the perpetrator to the victim is called “victim blaming.” Due to complete economic dependence on their husband, the inability or unwillingness to work, lack of profession or education, and fear of a decline in social status, many women are afraid of divorce and endure violence solely for the sake of material benefits. In such cases, women begin to voluntarily isolate themselves from people, fearing jealousy and demonstrating complete devotion and dedication, or ashamed of themselves and their family relationships. Sometimes there is also a conscious acceptance and expectation of violence on the part of the husband, when a woman believes that it is natural for a man by his nature and social destiny to insult his wife and keep her in fear, and therefore it is necessary to look at this “philosophically”, calmly.

There is no single theory that can comprehensively explain the diverse causes of domestic violence. Taking into account the complexity of human nature, the characteristics of social interaction and the nature of the family as a social structure, it is necessary to take into account the diversity of families, the individual characteristics of their members and those social factors that, intertwined and combined, can give rise to violence.

A conflict that leads to violence can, using L. Coser’s term, be called “unrealistic” (Coser, 2000). It is generated by aggressive impulses that seek a way out regardless of the object. The essence of such a conflict is in self-expression, including affective expression.

Modern civilization not only does not suppress, but, on the contrary, stimulates aggression and cultivates violence. Aggression could have become established evolutionarily as an expedient instinct for survival and protection from external threats. But all human properties require external stimuli for their full manifestation. It has been reliably established that child abuse in the family not only gives rise to aggressive behavior towards other children, but also leads to violence and cruelty in adulthood, turning physical aggression into an individual’s lifestyle. A high level of aggression determines the choice of appropriate forms of behavior, for example, in such a person the indicators of spontaneous reactive aggression and irritability increase. Often cruelty is not only caused emotionally, it also arises from intellectual inability and fanaticism.

There is a set of character traits that have been identified in men who beat their girlfriends or wives; The last four characteristics almost certainly indicate a tendency towards violence. If a man has several of the character traits listed below (three or four), then the likelihood of physical violence is quite high. In some cases, he may have only two such characteristic traits, but they are expressed excessively (for example, extreme jealousy, reaching the point of absurdity). At first, a man will explain his behavior as a manifestation of love and care, and a woman may be flattered by this; over time, this behavior becomes more cruel, it becomes a means of oppressing women (Menovshchikov, 2002).

Jealousy. At the very beginning of a relationship, a man always says that his jealousy is a sign of love. However, jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A man asks a woman who she is talking to on the phone, accuses her of flirting, gets angry when she spends time with friends or children. As his jealousy grows, he calls her more and more often during the day and begins to appear at home unexpectedly. He may try to forbid her to work for fear that she will meet another man at work, or even ask his friends about his wife.

Control. At first, the man explains this behavior by concern for safety, spending time wisely, or the need to make the right decisions. He gets angry if a woman returns home “late” after shopping or a business meeting. He questions her in detail about where she was and who she talked to. As this behavior intensifies, he may not allow the woman to make independent decisions about housekeeping, choosing clothes, etc. He may hide money or even demand that she ask permission to leave the room or house.

Fast communication. Many women who have experienced domestic violence have dated or known their future husbands or lovers for less than six months. He swoops in like a whirlwind, declaring “love at first sight,” and flatters the woman, saying, “You’re the only one I could tell this to,” “I’ve never loved anyone as much as you.” He desperately needs a girlfriend and soon insists on an intimate relationship.

Unrealistic expectations. In this case, the man is extremely dependent on the woman in terms of satisfying his needs; he hopes that she will be an excellent wife, mother, lover, friend. For example, he says: “If you love me, then I am all you need, and you are all I need.” She is supposed to take care of his emotional state and everything in the house.

Others are to blame for his problems. Whenever a problem arises, there will always be a culprit who made the man do the wrong thing. He can blame a woman for all his failures and mistakes, saying that she annoys him, distracts him from his thoughts and prevents him from doing his work. Ultimately, she is to blame for everything that does not happen as he would like.

His feelings are generated by other people. By stating: “You drive me crazy,” “You insult me ​​by not doing as I ask,” “You irritate me,” he is aware of his thoughts and feelings, but uses them to manipulate the woman.

Hypersensitivity. Such a vulnerable man will talk about his “hurt” feelings, when in reality he himself is behaving irresponsibly, he considers the slightest failure as the result of intrigues against him. He is ready to pompously and enthusiastically talk about injustice, which in fact is an integral part of the life of any person: it could be a request to go to work after hours, the imposition of a fine, asking for help in household chores.

Rudeness towards animals or children. He punishes animals cruelly or is insensitive to their suffering or pain; he believes that a child is capable of doing something that is clearly beyond his capabilities (say, punishing a two-year-old child who wet his crib), or he teases children or younger siblings, bringing them to tears (60% of men who beat their wives hit also their children). He may demand that children not eat at the table with him or sit in their room while he is at home.

"Playful" use of force in sex. In bed, he likes to act out fantastic scenes where the woman is completely helpless. He makes it clear that the idea of ​​rape excites him. He can use anger and irritation to manipulate a woman in order to achieve sexual contact. Or he may have sex while the woman is still sleeping, or demand sex from her when she is tired or sick.

Insult by word. He uses rude and insulting words that humiliate a woman, as if crossing out all her advantages. The man tells her that she is stupid and cannot do anything without him; the day can begin and end with such insults.

Rigid sexual roles. A man expects a woman to please him; he says that she must stay at home, obey him in everything - even if it concerns criminal acts. He wants to see a woman as a stupid creature, incapable of being a complete person without a man.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (character in R. L. Stevenson's story "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", in which Dr. Jekyll discovered a means that allows him to temporarily transform into a vicious, cruel person called Mr. Hyde). Many women are perplexed by the “sudden” change in their partner’s mood: now he is sweet and kind, and the next minute he explodes with rage, or he sparkles with happiness and is immediately sad. This does not mean that he has any special “mental problems” or that he is “crazy.” Hot temper and sudden changes in mood are characteristic of men who beat their partners.

Cases of beatings in the past. A man can say that he has beaten women before, but they forced him to do so. You can hear about this from his relatives or ex-wife. In fact, such a man is ready to beat any woman.

Threat of violence. This includes any threat of using physical force to control a woman’s behavior: “I will kill you”; "I'll break your neck." And although most men do not threaten their spouses, the rapist will justify his behavior by claiming that “everyone says so.”

Breaking dishes, destroying objects. This behavior may be an attempt to punish the woman (for example, by breaking her favorite thing), but more often the man needs to terrorize her in order to keep her in obedience. He can break a plate with his fist or throw anything at a woman. This is an important sign: only immature people break dishes (or break things) in the presence of others as a threat.

Use of force as an argument. A man holds a woman in submission, forces her to leave the room, pushes and kicks her, etc. In addition, he may try to isolate the woman, for example, prohibit her from working, being friends with anyone, etc.

It is very important to be able to recognize all such signs in order to prevent or stop violence. There is another list of behavioral signs that indicate a person’s propensity for violence:

A person is convinced that stereotypes about violent relationships are correct:

Traditional views on the role of men in the family and society (i.e., he believes that only a man can be the “master of the house”);

Aggressive with children or pets;

Shifts the blame for one's actions onto others;

Pathologically jealous;

Does not realize that aggressive behavior can have serious consequences;

Tries to isolate the woman from any activities outside the home or communication with other people;

Is physically rude to a woman (pushes, pulls her sleeve, etc.);

Threatens to commit suicide if the woman tries to break off the relationship.

The causes of physical violence can be divided into three groups (Platonova, Platonov, 2004):

1. Reasons caused by the personality characteristics of the man and his life history.

2. Reasons caused by the woman’s life history and her personal characteristics.

3. Reasons due to the characteristics of marital relations.

Each of them can become decisive, however, as a rule, a whole complex of reasons leads to intra-family violence against women.

The most typical causes of violence, determined by the personality of the man and his life history, include the following:

– model of parents – father beat mother;

– father and mother often beat a man in childhood;

– traditional view of the position of women and men in the family (man is absolute

And the unquestioning head of the family);

– the belief that a woman has a need to be a victim and is unable to break off a relationship;

– high level of anxiety and concern about one’s dominant position;

– constant consumption of alcohol;

– low level of self-awareness and self-control;

– inability to accept responsibility for actions taken;

– high level of stress due to economic and domestic reasons;

– a pronounced desire to cause harm to another person;

– psychopathy, etc.

As you can see, aggressive men often experienced violence against themselves in childhood and observed the behavior of an older man who showed cruelty towards a woman. They often faced alcoholism, racism, class strife and misogynistic behavior. Many of them did not have the opportunity to feel love and care in childhood.

But not all aggressive men fit into this category. Some suffer from mental illness and have no remorse for violence, while others are genuinely horrified by such behavior. Bullies tend to justify their actions by claiming that they are victims of those they are actually hurting. Unfortunately, this belief is very often supported by many social institutions, such as the police, court, church, social and medical services (Kurasova, 1997; Safonova, Tsymbal, 1993).

Women's risk factors are also associated with an unfavorable life situation in the parental family. In addition, these include the following features:

– high level of psychological dependence on a man;

– economic dependence on a man;

– higher level of education of women in the family;

– the woman has physical disabilities (especially if they appeared during their life together);

- low self-esteem;

– insufficient sexual activity or illiteracy in this area.

Potential victims of violence also exhibit the following characteristic behavioral signs:

They fear their partner's temper;

They often give in to their partner, fearing to offend their feelings or cause anger;

They feel a desire to “save” their partner when he finds himself in an unpleasant or difficult situation;

They justify their partner’s mistreatment both to themselves and to others;

They tolerate being hit, pushed, shoved, etc. by an irritated and angry partner;

Make decisions regarding their actions or the actions of friends based on the desire or reaction of their partner;

They justify their partner by saying that he behaves in exactly the same way as his own father once acted with his mother.

Marital relationships marked by violence are characterized by the following manifestations:

– conflict and constant quarrels;

– verbal aggression in the relationship between spouses;

– struggle for power and dominance in the family;

– low socio-economic status;

– rigidity in interaction and relationships between partners.

Women who are targeted by violence may experience:

Gradual decline in health as emotional, physical and economic abuse increases;

Decreased self-esteem, loss of self-confidence;

Intense feelings of loneliness, shame and fear;

Constant stress and psychophysiological disorders;

Feeling of despair from the inability to resolve the problem of domestic violence;

A growing feeling of guilt due to the inability to cope with the problem on one’s own and aggression directed against oneself.

As a rule, physical violence against a woman is combined with sexual violence.

Sexual violence is the commission of sexual acts against the will of a partner, as well as coercion of a partner into forms of sexual relations that are unacceptable to him. Marital rape is a crime that is still not considered a crime. In many countries of the world, marriage seems to give a man the unconditional right to sexual relations with his wife and the right to use force in case of her refusal.

Types of sexual violence are presented in sufficient detail in the specialized literature (Antonyan, Tkachenko, 1993; Dvoryanchikov et al., 1997; Kurasova, 1997). Clinical manifestations of sexual violence against women include complaints from victims of chronic pain, psychogenic pain (pain due to diffuse trauma without visible manifestations); gynecological abnormalities, frequent infections of the genitourinary system (dyspareunia, pain in the pelvic area); frequent visits to doctors with vague complaints or symptoms without signs of physical illness; chronic post-traumatic stress disorders; sleep and appetite disorders; fatigue, decreased concentration, etc. The psychological consequences of this form of violence include the following phenomena: decreased self-esteem; feeling isolated and unable to cope; depressive states; suicidal tendencies; alcohol abuse, addiction to drugs, etc.

The possibility of sexual violence is determined not only by the personality of the man (the rapist), but also by the personality of the victim. Research has revealed a generalized social portrait of such a man and the characteristic features of his biography: low level of education; dominant cold mother; negative perception of the father; lack of a positive emotional connection with your parents; parents' use of undeserved punishment; increased libido levels; alcoholism; fear of women due to violations of male identity.

Men “at risk” for sexual violence are characterized by the attitudes of a criminal culture that perceives a woman as an everyday object necessary for “non-male” work. Very often, sexual violence is used against the backdrop of a man’s unstable identity, as a means of asserting his own masculinity to himself.

Foreign specialists from crisis centers for women have summarized typical attitudes that limit the possibility of helping victims of domestic violence (Shvedova, 2000):

– fear of retribution if the rapist finds out that the woman told someone about the violence;

– shame and humiliation from what happened;

– thoughts that she deserved punishment;

– desire to protect your partner;

– incomplete awareness of the situation;

– the belief that a doctor or psychologist does not need to know about violence because he is very busy and should not waste his time on it;

– the belief that a doctor and psychologist cannot help in this matter.

An equally dangerous type of intra-family violence against women is psychological violence. Psychological violence manifests itself in the following forms:

1. Ignoring a woman’s psychological needs: safety needs; the need to belong to a group (in all her actions and deeds she should belong only to her husband); needs for cognition (inhibition of learning); needs for self-realization in the professional sphere (prohibition from work).

2. Isolation. This is strict control over a woman’s sphere of communication, a ban on communication with work colleagues, girlfriends, relatives, and strict control over any interaction outside the home. In case of divorce or resentment, the husband may prohibit his wife from communicating with the children.

3. Constant threats: destruction of family space, interpersonal relationships, irony, ridicule, the desire to put a partner in an awkward situation and demonstrate this to others.

4. Creation of a family coalition as a result of the woman’s rejection.

5. Formation of a portrait of an unsuccessful, inept and insolvent mother in the eyes of children.

6. Rejection. Inability and unwillingness to show an attentive, affectionate, caring attitude towards a woman, which manifests itself in emotional coldness.

7. Manipulation of a woman (use of information - false or true - to control a woman, etc.).

There are also reasons for psychological violence, depending on the characteristics of a woman’s personality. These include:

– expressed suffering of the victim as a factor reinforcing aggression;

– economic, psychological and emotional dependence;

– higher level of education of women;

– low socio-economic status of women;

– experience of perceiving oneself as a victim in the parental family;

– low level of self-esteem;

– high degree of intra-family disagreements and conflicts between spouses;

– numerous stressful situations (unemployment, death of loved ones, hard and low-paid work, hostile actions of familiar people);

– alcohol and drug use.

Research has shown that in more than 8% of cases of intra-family violence, not only the woman’s personality is insulted, but also her social functions. During a quarrel, a man, knowing the weak points of women, attacks the woman’s personal and professional dignity.

There are three common models for explaining the dynamics of violence relationships: the cycle of violence (L. Walker), the process of violence (Landenberger),

Model of power and management (Duluth model) (Kurasova, 1997; Safonova, Tsymbal, 1993).

Walker in 1984 analyzed the psychological and behavioral responses of abused women from the perspective of Seligman's theory of “learned helplessness.” Based on numerous surveys, Walker developed a “cyclical theory of violence”, the three phases of which have already been described above (Walker, 2000).

Another model (Landerberger, 1989) is based on the study of perceptions of violence, self-esteem in situations of violence, and the influence of perceptions on choice in violent relationships. Women identify 4 phases: unification, patience, breakup, rehabilitation, which they went through as the meaning of violence, attitude towards their partner and towards themselves changed in their perception. During the unification phase, when the relationship is still new and tinged with love, in response to violence, a woman redoubles her attempts to improve the relationship and prevent future violence. She uses her intelligence and creativity to calm her partner down. Over time, the ineffectiveness of attempts to solve this problem becomes obvious, and the woman begins to doubt the strength of the relationship. In the second phase, the patience phase, the woman tolerates violence because of the positive aspects of the relationship and also because she considers herself - at least partially - responsible for the violence. Although a woman may seek outside help, she does not disclose all the circumstances of the problem, because she is afraid of consequences that jeopardize her safety, as well as the social status of her partner. In the breakup phase, the woman realizes that she is in a situation of violence and that she does not deserve to be treated this way.

The turning point occurs when a woman realizes the danger of the situation. As a woman tries to solve the problem of her residence and security, she may leave her partner and return to him several times. After some time necessary to reassess values ​​and successfully overcome the obstacles that prevented her from leaving her previous environment, the rehabilitation phase begins, during which the woman lives separately from the rapist.

In 1984, based on group interviews conducted with women who attended educational courses through the Duluth Domestic Violence Program, a framework was developed to describe the behavior of men who engage in physical and emotional violence toward their partners. Many women have criticized theories that describe violence as a cyclical event rather than as an ever-present element of relationships. They also criticized theories that attribute violence to men's inability to cope with stress. Based on the experiences of women who have experienced domestic violence, a “power and control model” was developed, also called the Duluth model. It describes violence as an integral part of behavior rather than as a series of independent incidents of violence or cyclical expressions of pent-up anger, frustration, or pain (Pence, 1993; Shepherd & Pence, 1999).

According to the international organization Amnesty International, about 14 thousand victims of domestic violence die in Russia every year. According to other studies, 36 thousand Russian citizens suffer beatings from their husbands every day. If you think about it, these figures are comparable to the population of small cities. Every day we turn on the light in the kitchen, cook dinner, drink tea with our family, completely unaware of what is going on in the next apartment. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a catastrophic problem in our society. Accustomed to silence, women continue to live, go to work, hiding new bruises and abrasions from everyone.

How to avoid becoming a victim of violence? Where can you turn for help if you are in trouble? Let's find out!

Types of domestic violence

1. Economic violence

Oppression of the victim by the aggressor by limiting him in food, clothing and other benefits. Economic violence is common in families with different material incomes.

2. Psychological violence

This type of violence includes the deliberate intimidation of one family member by another with the aim of causing him psychological trauma, as well as creating emotional insecurity and fear in the victim.

3. Physical violence

Physical violence is accompanied by beatings, systematic beating by the aggressor of both one victim and all family members.

4. Sexual violence

Violent acts of a sexual nature can be carried out both against a woman and against young family members.

Five reasons to hate. Why do men beat women?

We will not paint a portrait of a domestic tyrant who keeps his entire family in fear and regularly beats his wife. Let's try to identify the most common reasons why men raise their hands against women.

1. A man suspects a woman of cheating. The fear of being deceived and abandoned makes many representatives of the stronger sex raise their hand to their soulmate. Such men are accustomed to proving everything with their fists, so it will be easier for them to clearly explain to their wife what will happen to her in the event of adultery than to talk.
2. The man drank, drank heavily. It seemed to him that his wife was talking to him too rudely. As a result, the woman has a bruise under her eye, and the husband sleeps sweetly in a warm bed.
3. A representative of the stronger half of humanity cannot imagine that it is possible to behave differently. His father and grandfather regularly beat their wives, so the man, embodying the behavior model of his ancestors, uses violence against his wife.
4. The man is an insecure person in life. Quite often, husbands raise their hands against their wives after receiving a scolding from their boss at work, quarreling with a colleague, or not getting the desired position. Having not realized his potential at work, a man comes to his home to let off steam.
5. The woman dared to lose an expensive gift. Whether on purpose or by accident - it no longer matters to the husband. A similar situation may arise if the wife had an accident and destroyed her husband’s favorite car.

Whatever the reason why the man raised his hand against the woman, the further scenario of events is predetermined.

Four phases of domestic violence

The cyclical path followed by the victim and the rapist was described by L. Walker in the seventies of the twentieth century in the USA. Time has passed, but the situation has not changed. The generally accepted model looks like this:

Stage I. Growing tension in the family

The stage is characterized by the complication of relationships within the family: constant manifestation of discontent, frequent disputes and quarrels. The victim tries to calm the aggressor, to encourage him to maintain peace in the family, but all her attempts are in vain.

Stage II. Violence

The culmination of tension in the family is the manifestation of violent actions by the aggressor. Accompanied by intimidation, accusations, threats, and beatings.

Stage III. Reconciliation

The offender apologizes (this does not always happen), tries to logically explain his action, shifts part of the blame (or all the blame) onto the victim, and tries to hush up the incident. His mood noticeably improves, he tries to joke and laugh as if nothing had happened.

Stage IV. Honeymoon

This stage is characterized by harmony in the relationship between partners. The offender is forgiven, the incident is forgotten, peace reigns in the family. But for how long? Over time, each stage becomes shorter, the aggressor attacks his victim more and more violently, and it becomes more and more difficult to resolve the conflict peacefully.

What keeps women silent?

Once captured by a domestic tyrant, few victims seek help. Most women endure bullying and beatings for years. Why?

• Shame

Many women consider it shameful that their own husband beats them. That is why they continue to remain silent, enduring blows and insults from their other half.

• Fear

A victim of domestic violence is terribly afraid of his tyrant. Therefore, she believes that if she tells someone about the beatings, he will become even more angry. In addition, many women are afraid for their children; victims are driven by the fear of losing them.

• Habit

Victims of domestic violence, accustomed to living in constant stress for years, cannot imagine that it is possible to live differently. Many wives sincerely believe that everyone lives this way. Women believe that one day their husband will improve and life will shine with bright colors.

It won't get better. Never. Once a man raises his hand to his wife, he will repeat it again and again.

Where can I go for help?

If you are a victim of domestic violence:

1. Do not remain silent under any circumstances.
2. Try to hide in the bathroom or with your neighbors if you have time to escape.
3. Scream as loud as possible. Call for help.
4. Call the police as soon as possible.
5. Remember: there is no turning back! And you didn’t start this conflict; you have nothing to blame yourself for.
6. Protect yourself and your children!

According to official statistics, about 40 percent of all serious violent crimes are committed within the family. There are victims of domestic tyrants in every fourth family. Ask for help! In almost every city there are crisis centers that are ready to provide any support to victims of domestic violence.

On the territory of the Russian Federation there is a single helpline for victims of domestic violence: 8 800 7000 600 .
If you find yourself in a difficult situation, call and competent specialists will help you.

Your future is in your hands!

Natalya Kaptsova

Reading time: 8 minutes

A A

In the case of domestic violence, a woman experiences enormous stress, which is intertwined with fear of her husband and fear of publicity about what happened. In this situation, it is necessary to know how a woman can use it to defend her rights, honor, freedom, as well as what services to contact and where to look for help.

Unfortunately, our Criminal Code does not shine with perfection. It is very difficult to protect a wife from her own husband, because this situation is considered intrafamily conflict , in which the police often do not intervene. “If he starts running after you with an ax, then call me” is something like this usually answered by women who are looking for protection from their spouses. As a result, the situation often gets out of control, ending in a scenario that we won’t talk about. Sometimes, to punish a husband, it takes so much time, effort and money that a woman has no choice but to continue to endure or simply run away “into the night.”

But there are still legal protections for women victims of domestic violence - we will talk about them below. Important for the victim of violence don't be afraid to ask for help , realizing once and for all that after the first incident of physical violence against her, more and more blows would follow.

So, if your husband beats you, where to go and what to do?

Contacting the police and court

To begin with, you should not call, but file a complaint with the police in person (2 copies), indicating the fact of violence or its direct threat, and with certificates from medical institutions about beatings. Don't forget to take the notification ticket from the police officer and hide it away along with a copy of the statement. For a tyrant spouse, civil, administrative and criminal liability is provided.

Articles that are most often used in cases of domestic violence:

• Article 111. Intentional infliction of serious harm to health.
• Article 112. Intentional infliction of moderate harm to health.
• Article 115. Intentional infliction of minor bodily harm.
• Article 116. Beatings.
• Article 117. Torture.
• Article 119. Threat to kill or cause grievous bodily harm.

What happens next? The spouse is given an official warning , after which it is registered and a corresponding card is created. If the husband changes his place of residence, the card will “move” to the new place of residence. Reasons for liquidating the card: expiration of the stipulated period (year), imprisonment of the husband or his death, absence (more than 1 year) from the place of residence or statement from the wife that the husband has “corrected” . Of course, if you take such a step, staying with your husband is simply dangerous. Therefore, it is best to submit your application already finding a safe place to live .

You can bypass the police and go straight to court(of course, at your place of residence). Moreover, you don’t have to disclose your new address by asking the investigator for your do not take into account the data in the protocol . This practice also applies, and you have the right to it.

Contacting medical institutions

If bodily injury occurs due to the actions of a spouse, then they should be recorded b:

• Go to the emergency room , explaining to the doctor the cause of the damage. Be sure to ensure that the doctor describes the size, location, and color of each lesion.
• Take a certificate after the inspection with the date of application, medical card number, full name of the doctor and the seal of the institution.
• If the marks appeared only after you had already gone to the emergency room, contact again and fix them .
• The doctor is obliged to transmit information about injuries due to beatings to the police department . Police officers, in turn, are obliged to conduct an inspection after the telephone message and give you a referral for a forensic examination. There, too, you need to make sure that everything is recorded as it should be. The qualifications of the husband’s actions (article) will depend on the results of this examination.
• Don't forget to take pictures of all the signs of beatings yourself. , so that later they can be involved in the matter. And leave copies of the negatives in a separate place.
• Collect evidence - attract witnesses who can prove the fact of beatings and aggressive behavior of the husband (at least 3 episodes in which they were present).

Today she didn’t add enough salt to the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours... Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and glide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is this - a bad character of a husband? Unlucky fate? The cause of violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Concrete cubes of high-rise buildings reflect coldly with glass, protecting privacy. Each cube of apartments has its own secret. Domestic violence against women is almost a taboo topic. Women try not to advertise such relationships, children are afraid to talk about it...

Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul

Domestic violence is as familiar to this woman as borscht for lunch, but it is always shocking and scary, just like the first time her beloved husband raised his hand to her.

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours. The list of unacceptable actions increases, psychological pressure increases. Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and glide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.

What is this - a bad character of a husband? Unlucky fate? The cause of violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Not every woman experiences domestic violence. This tragic scenario develops only if each partner has certain properties given by nature.

Causes of domestic violence - an unsuccessful wife or a bad husband?

She married Dr. Jekyll, but is regularly abused by Mr. Hyde. The children fearfully await their father's return every day. The lessons have been learned perfectly, there is not a speck of dust in the house, the soup recipe has been double-checked with the utmost care. But then late at night a stern husband and father enters, the reason for discontent has been found, and again there is no protection and nowhere to hide from his heavy hand.

Every person is created on the principle of pleasure. He applies his properties and receives joy and satisfaction from it. But when innate properties do not find realization, voids arise, so-called frustrations, and a person feels unhappy. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains what the peculiarities of the manifestation of frustrations in each person are associated with.

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»