Parents who love as best they can

The people who are hard to love are the ones who need love the most. (from the film “Peaceful Warrior”)

Surely each of you has heard that for many this state of dislike comes from childhood. Many parents raised them in a way that was convenient for them. When a child is born, parents love their child, want the best for him, and they want to make sure that everything in the child’s life is wonderful.

That's all true. But, on the other hand, parents are people too. And they also want to live their own lives. And often a child, especially when he is small, and even sick or whiny, especially emotional, causes some trouble.

Sooner or later, parents come to the conclusion, often unconsciously, that they need to somehow negotiate with the child, make sure that everyone is comfortable.

Some parents go towards suppressing their child's personality. Those. “don’t talk”, “sit silently”, “take your hands away”, “don’t touch”.

This is, of course, often with the best intentions so that the child does not bother others when he talks loudly, or touches something hot.

But all these prohibitions block some impulses in the child, some aspirations for development.

Accepting yourself

Children, if you look, are actually born absolutely selfish. They absolutely accept themselves as they are.

Children are absolutely calm about what surrounds them, they are happy with their legs, fingers, there are no problems that they have folds, a tummy or anything else.

They accept themselves and love themselves. And they make the world revolve around children's egoism. Some parents learn to compromise with this, some parents find it difficult and act on the principle of suppression, dictatorship and power.

I don't know what kind of families you grew up in. But, one way or another, most parents grew up in Soviet times, they had such an upbringing that you cannot love a child at all, showing any feelings is harmful, because you will spoil them.

Pedagogical literature was also based on the principles that there should be discipline first, and then everything else.

Many parents simply raised us this way because they didn’t know any other way. Much in life that people later achieve naturally comes from childhood. Parents want comfortable children.

Parents need children who love and make them happy.

There is a very subtle point here: when a child who is being scolded understands that he is bad, he is unworthy, and in the future this also results in a situation where, as an adult, a person does not love himself, does not accept himself. It is very important for you to understand now that when your parents raised you, they did it the way they knew how.

I know that many have grudges against their parents, some have already worked on this topic, accepting and forgiving. Think about it again, that your current life is very much connected with how you were raised, whether you were taught to love yourself, how you were developed in this direction. There are so many benefits to loving yourself.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood!

I want you to understand that it is never too late to have a happy childhood. It's never too latelearn to love yourself and receive that love , which, perhaps, was once not given to you, not instilled and not shown how it is.

When a person experiences “failures,” the person himself evaluates them this way; many people still have a way of thinking that there is no way to immediately find a resource, a positive side, in everything.

We all know about this, but not everyone still knows how to use it automatically. Many people in such situations begin to blame themselves, reproach themselves, and naturally their self-esteem drops. Already now, as an adult, you can give yourself something what you think your parents could have given you, but for some reason they didn’t.

Practical task

You will need give yourself the right to live a happy childhood now. To do this, just imagine the situation that you have a new childhood, you have new parents, you live, perhaps, in another country, perhaps your parents treat you differently. Maybe you can imagine the same parents and they will feel the same way.

The task is to give yourself the love that you so expect from others. Show yourself care, listen to your desires, do something for yourself.

If it’s hard to figure out where to start, here’s a hint. There are three spheres: body, soul (emotions) and mind. Love yourself on all three levels: please your body, nourish yourself with positive emotions and fulfillment of desires, arrange a love holiday for your mind. It's best to start with the body, with physical contact, Nude in front of a mirror. How to love your body" .

It all starts with self-love. Yes, sometimes it’s not easy and you need to learn to love yourself again, even when you are 30, 40 or more years old. As the saying goes, “no one promised it would be easy, but it will be worth it.”

Start giving yourself love today! Or continue if you have already started...

With love, Tatyana Rusina.

Name, age, your photo.

Hi all!

My name is Diana, I'm 31 years old.

How long have you been in a relationship with the man you love? How many years do you think you need to live together to understand that love is real, to test your feelings for strength, or does it not depend on time?

We met back in 2007, on October 17th. We got married exactly a year later - October 17, 2008. I think that to understand that a person is yours, you don’t need to pass the test of time, it’s enough to be similar to each other, just as two halves of one whole are similar; hear and understand each other, be “on the same wavelength”. We are married, and in the church we were told that the most important thing is to FORGIVE.

3. Which of you was the first to confess your love and how it happened, do you remember? Do you think that the man should always be the first to confess? Why? Share your opinion and tell your story! This happened the same fall when we met. I won’t name the date (I’m sure that my romantic husband remembers the date, unlike me), I can only say that it was soon after we met. At first there were a couple of weeks of telephone conversations, during which I fell in love with this particular person so much that I was absolutely indifferent to his appearance, then 2 dates. On the 3rd date we confessed our eternal love to each other. Simultaneously.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight? Why? If you believe, was there a story in your life that confirms the existence of such love?

Love at first sight? No, at first sight there can only be strong love. I believe in love BEFORE the first sight and AFTER the first sight, when I fell in love with the person himself, knowing his soul...

5. Love in a relationship between a man and a woman - what does it mean for you? How could it be described, characterized?

Love is caring, empathy and the joy of being together.

There is a wonderful poem on this topic:

Let the page already be passed,
And half a liter of blood was spilled.
Love - when they want to get married!
Everything else is types of flirting.

It’s better to tear where it’s thin,
Let it be painful and inappropriate.
Love - when they want a child!
Everything else is a world of sympathy.

May there be a lot of envy and flattery
On every page of life.
Love - when they want to be together!
Everything else is just a habit.

Even if it’s bad, even if everything is out of place,
You need to move on in life.
Love is when two hearts are together!
Everything else is just friendship.

6. Name your film about love and write why you chose it.

Peter FM. My and my husband’s favorite movie (I thought, how long has it been since we watched a movie TOGETHER, more than a year...). I like the film for its romance and lightness.

7. Mood song of your love for today - what is it like?

Nothing has changed since the wedding day. The anthem of our love is D. Malikov’s song “You and I,” to which we danced our first dance at the wedding.

8. What book about love would you recommend others read? Why?

All wisdom is in the Bible.

I was shocked the first time I read it as a teenager.

My favorite things in the Bible are Proverbs and Ecclesiastes.

Nothing has changed, even though millennia have passed. The person asks the same “why?” and "why?"

And how fully the good wife is described in Proverbs! I want to learn how to be such a wife!

“Who will find a virtuous wife? its price is higher than pearls; The heart of her husband is confident in her, and he will not be left without profit; she rewards him with good, not evil, all the days of her life. He produces wool and flax, and willingly works with his hands. She, like merchant ships, gets her bread from afar. She gets up while it is still night and distributes food in her house and food to her maids. She thinks about a field and acquires it; from the fruit of his hands he plants a vineyard. He girds his loins with strength and strengthens his muscles. She feels that her work is good, and her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the spinning wheel, and her fingers take hold of the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor, and gives her hand to the needy. She is not afraid of cold for her family, because her whole family is dressed in double clothing. She makes her own carpets; Fine linen and purple are her clothing. Her husband is known at the gate when he sits with the elders of the land. She makes bedspreads and sells them, and delivers belts to the Phoenician merchants. Strength and beauty are her clothes, and she looks cheerfully at the future. She opens her lips with wisdom, and gentle instruction is on her tongue. She oversees the management of her house and does not eat the bread of idleness. The children get up and please her, the husband praises her: “There were many virtuous wives, but you surpassed them all.” Loveliness is deceptive and beauty is vain; but a woman who fears the Lord is worthy of praise. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her deeds glorify her at the gates!”

To love or to be loved - what would you choose if such a need arose? Why?

To be loved! Give me love and I will repay you doubly!

Does your love have special signs: its own song, dance, iconic place, thing...? If you can, show it, if not, just talk about it.

There is a song about celebrating our wedding anniversary and ordering sushi just like on the day we met. A cafe that has changed its name several times since then.

Do you celebrate the day you met or consider it a not so important event?

Yes, we celebrate the wedding day, which coincides with the day we met.

When was the last time you spent time just the two of you?

Oh... what a difficult question. I wanted to say that we haven’t been alone for about a year, even before bed the baby is between us (he sleeps restlessly). My husband, who always remembers all the dates, reminded me that on June 1, 2011, the BOTH of us went to the theater. Uffff....we'll work on it. My daughter is 3 years old, and my son is almost a year old, and the kids and I are practically inseparable.

Do you celebrate Valentine's Day? If so, how? If not, why not?

Yes, we are celebrating. We used to go to a cafe, but for the last 3 years we have been quietly spending the evening with goodies and a glass of wine.

Why do you want to take part in the project “The Best Wife 2013”?

I want to bring harmony and joy to our family. I want to find the old me that my husband fell in love with. I know that he really misses his former beloved! Now I am first and foremost a mother. But I’m a woman and a wife! Unfortunately, I don’t find any time for myself at all! I know that my husband suffers from this and has already done a lot so that the woman in me will wake up again. And I keep swaying... I need a magic kick!!! I want to start with myself, change myself and become a better wife for my romantic and emotional husband.

P.S. Everyone who participated in the first and second projects “The Best Wife” has the right to participate in the 2013 project.

It's never too late to change your life andbe happy. The clock will always show the perfect time for the moment when our heart realizes thatWe .

Many people complain that they did not understand their problem until the situation became completely intolerable. They don’t understand how they could wait so long and do nothing.

However, it is important to note that our brain, especially the area associated with emotions and passions, tends to be very reluctant to accept change. We tell ourselves “I’ll be patient a little longer”, “maybe the situation will improve”.

However, if over time nothing changes except the feeling that you are unhappy, it is time to tell yourself: “I deserve something better.” First of all, to regain your own peace of mind And be happy.

We invite you to reflect on this together in our article today.

It's never too late to be happy again

Think about the word “late” for a moment. We use it in cases where, having scheduled a meeting for a certain time, for various reasons we are delayed and do not arrive on time.

Late is when we forget to turn off the fire on time and burn our lunch.

These are two simple examples that reflect an important aspect of this word: there is no turning back. No matter what we do, nothing can be fixed: the roast cannot be saved, and we will forever remain an unpunctual person for the person we dated.

However, considering the life cycle of every person, and, above all, the main purpose of our existence, which is to be happy, the word “late” is completely inappropriate for our lives. It's never too late to start fighting for our well-being.

You should never forget about this.

Fear Factor

• Fear is a barrier that often prevents us from taking a step and starting to build our own happiness, or at least achieving what we dream of and that will help us move beyond our comfort zone.

What we usually do, and we don't always realize it, is this: we mask fear with resignation to fate, with thoughts like “There’s nothing we can do, our lot is to endure; What if, if I leave this, something much worse awaits me.”

• People rationalized fear. It has become so commonplace that we are completely at its mercy, we have come to terms with it.
• Anyone who gives up and stops fighting finds himself trapped and unhappy. And this may well lead to depression.
• We must understand what fear really is: it is an emotion that puts us on alert in a dangerous situation. Instead of trying to hide or ignore this basic human instinct, we must understand it, accept it, and then act in the most appropriate way.

One should not be “afraid of fear.” It is important to be able to listen to it, because it is a clear indicator of our discomfort.

The best moment to be happy is HERE and NOW

Now we know that the word “late” cannot be used in relation to one’s own happiness or that relentless pursuit of feeling good about yourself.

We also now know that fear is actually an indicator that things are not going our way, that we are in an unbearable situation.

• So... Why not take action now? Analyze your fears, throw aside everything that limits you and causes uncertainty. This will allow us to shed the “shell” that prevents us from growing as individuals.
• It is quite possible that you are going through a difficult moment right now. Work, family problems, relationships, personal dissatisfaction...
• Sometimes small changes bring big results. Thus, faced with such difficulties that, like a cocoon, envelop us and suffocate us, depriving us of air, energy and optimism, we must look for a solution.
• The solution in many cases is movement: step over your fear, get out of your comfort zone and, above all, drive away such thoughts: “my train has left” or "It's too late for me."

The best time is here and now. Yesterday doesn't exist and tomorrow hasn't come yet, so... Why not try to be happy?

The joy of taking a new step

There is one more thing that is always worth remembering. Fear will always be with us, especially when we take a new step, change our lives and...

We don’t know what we will find on our life’s path, whether we will succeed in what we have in mind. Therefore, fear will always be our inseparable companion. But it is fear that captures us and fills us with hope.

The pleasure of taking a new step enriches our lives, it is never too late to experience it.

We all deserve the best, at every moment of our lives. We shouldn’t expect someone to come and do everything for us. It's worth changing your life.

Do you dare?

Soul binding 04.11.2017

Dear readers, probably all of us have sometimes had the thought that it is already too late for something in life. So you won’t be able to buy a house by the sea, as you once dreamed of, you won’t have another child, you won’t be able to travel around the world with just a backpack on your back. And sometimes we experience similar feelings regarding something vital; it seems to us that it’s too late to change something in our marital status, in our work, it’s too late to move, it’s too late to start thinking about health...

But is everything really so hopeless? Is it really too late to live? Or does life have opportunities in store for us in such a case? This is exactly what we will talk about today in the section. Its host is Elena Khutornaya, a writer, blogger, author of intuitive cards, and I give the floor to Lena.

Greetings, dear readers of Irina’s blog.

We all from time to time catch ourselves feeling that it is too late to change something in life. This means it’s too late to make your dreams and desires come true - you wanted something, but now that’s it, the train has left, maybe only in the next life...

Not a very pleasant experience - probably everyone will agree with me on this. There is something so hopeless in them, a feeling of some kind of deception, as if life promised something, teased, but did not fulfill its promises, took away hope. What about without hope? Without it, everything always becomes so gray and dull... And even if there are other joys in life, but something important is missing, we will always be haunted by a feeling of dissatisfaction, refuting all claims that we came into this world to be happy.

Why do we decide it's too late to live

But does the life of the liar have anything to do with it? Or is it time to look inside yourself again? After all, no matter how disappointed we may experience, life is truly such that if we are given desires, then they are accompanied by opportunities to realize these desires. So why does it sometimes begin to seem to us that it is too late to dream that some of them will come true?

And the reasons may be different.

Age

Realizing our age, we increasingly begin to tell ourselves that it is too late for love, too late to change jobs, too late to learn new things, too late to change our attitude towards something or someone, too late to forgive. Time is up, and we just have to be content with what we have.

Circumstances

They are such that we cannot influence them, and even if we can influence them, we are afraid of the consequences of this and prefer to leave everything as it is.

Lack of opportunities

This can concern anything - finances, time, support. They are not there, and they have nowhere to come from, and we decide that this will forever prevent us from getting what we want.

The most interesting thing is that all these reasons have one thing in common.

In fact, all the obstacles to our desires are in our heads.

All the obstacles that we see in front of us are only our own limitations, unbelief and lack of true desire. All real desires are sure to come true, and neither age, nor circumstances, nor lack of opportunity can interfere with this.

Examples from life

I think we can all remember moments in our own lives when it seemed to us that the best thing that could happen in life had already happened, so there was no need to wait for more. And it didn’t depend on age or circumstances, didn’t it?

I myself have experienced this situation several times. In my twenties, I decided that all the best holidays of my life were behind me, and nothing like this would ever happen again.

At thirty, I was sure that it was too late for me to dream of love - there was only a boring, dull life ahead, and all I could do was come to terms with it. You will laugh, but I really thought that I was too old for such experiences, mainly physically. Now, nine years later, this makes me laugh, but then it quite seriously seemed to me that my youth was gone forever, and there was definitely no time for laughter.

Of course I was wrong. And the holidays in my life were still wonderful, and I found my love, and it turned out that it was not too late to live and love.

And you yourself will probably remember a lot of examples from your life and from the lives of relatives and friends, when at some point we decided that it was already useless to dream and desire something, but then suddenly there were opportunities to get what we wanted in the most unexpected way, bypassing everyone obstacles that we saw on our way. And this only confirms once again that everything that happens in life depends not on external circumstances and parameters, but only on our internal state.

Don't stop yourself from dreaming

Someone might say that there is still a big difference between what happens to us at thirty and, for example, at sixty. But by and large this is an illusion. Even at twenty years old we can be sure that for us it’s all over and it’s too late to live, but for others, on the contrary, at fifty life is just beginning. At any age, we can justify the hopelessness of our situation by the lack of opportunities or the circumstances in which we find ourselves. But in the end, everything depends only on our own perception and attitude towards life.

The real reason for our inability to get what we want is always the same - lack of energy to believe and achieve. If you have this energy and desire, then don’t bother yourself – it means it’s not too late for anything. You shouldn’t invent obstacles for yourself that don’t really exist.

No matter what anyone says, no matter how much it contradicts what we ourselves are used to believing, the main thing that matters is our willingness to dream and make our dreams come true.

How to start living again

So it's never too late to start living. Check your desires for truth, fill yourself with energy, follow yourself, look for ways to get what you want. Be realistic, but know how to dream, and every desire will definitely come true.

Don't worry about how it will happen, don't try to plan everything. But rest assured, life will have a suitable answer to any of our requests, if only we are open, sincere, and bright in our souls. Let's trust life - and it will do everything for us.

Even if you don't have enough energy to believe in your dreams, at least lie in their direction.

Do you have a dream? Run to her! Doesn't work? Go to her! Doesn't work? Crawl to her! Can't you? Lie down and lie in the direction of your dreams!

For such cases, there is a good way to get into the right mindset: if you can’t openly and freely desire something, well, you can’t believe that it can come true, but at the same time this dream still entails, think about what you would like to want it . It may sound strange, but it works great.

Well, I can’t dream that I will still visit Rio de Janeiro, but how great it would be if I could believe that this will happen!

And remember - everything that needs to happen will definitely happen. What doesn’t happen is not necessary. It's never too late because that's what we're here for - to live. And while we're here, there's always something else we can do.

With warmth,
Khutornaya Elena

I thank Lena for such a good, inspiring topic. Indeed, even if at some point in life there is no strength left to believe that we are still capable of something, we must always remember that such a state is temporary. And that if we want, we open up, then strength, desires, and faith will come again that many good things will happen to us. Because it’s true, it’s never too late to live, and everything depends only on us - whether we breathe deeply or just drag out existence. I am sure that you and I, my dears, will make the right choice.

You may also be interested in other articles on the topic:

And it will sound for the soul OMAR AKRAM - Never Let Go

See also

19 comments

Answer

Let's talk about how to become more independent, self-sufficient, and rely on yourself to satisfy your emotional and material needs. That is, in essence, to become an adult.

A little theory. There are different theories of personality in different psychological schools and approaches. Today I will briefly talk about one of them, since it is very visual and works well in practical use. Let's consider the personality structure that was described by the famous psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne, the author of the approach called “transactional analysis.” Readers may be familiar with this author's very popular book, "Games People Play."

So, E. Berne presents the personality structure in the form of a “traffic light”, in which there are three parts, called: child, adult and parent.

“Child” is the part we are born with. Energy, desires, spontaneity come from this part. Do you remember how children run around tirelessly, how interested they are in every ant, how much energy and life there is? Although this part is called "child", it remains in us for life.

The next part that appears in us is called “parent”. This part contains a set of rules and ideas about life and about ourselves, taken from those attitudes that we have learned from significant adults (parents, grandparents, society). Our inner “parent” can be loving towards our inner “child”, or it can be critical. And if the inner “parent” in an adult is too critical and spreads rot on the “child,” then such a person may develop depression, apathy, and may lack spontaneity. If, on the contrary, the internal “parent” is too permissive and does not fulfill its function of establishing rules, and the “child” does not feel boundaries, then such a person may want his impulsive desires to be fulfilled always and quickly, and he does not care about others.

And everything would not be very good, so we would live exclusively by the experience of our ancestors or remain eternal children, if in the process of our entire life a part called “adult” had not been formed. “Adult” is our personal experience, honestly earned by us. The function of the “adult” is to be a buffer between the “inner child” and the “inner parent.” That is, to love your “child” very much and filter messages from the “parent”.

For example, there is a girl with a message from her parents: “There are girls who are naturally beautiful and charming, but you are not very attractive.”. How do you think such a girl will behave in the company of men? It’s hard to say for sure, but she may be very tight, slouched, afraid, not take care of her appearance (and what to watch, she’s still unattractive - fate!) and with this behavior she can simply repel other people. And if such a girl doubts this message, works on herself, changes her image, goes to the gym, learns to pay attention to other people, their needs and, accordingly, learns to communicate, then her popularity will definitely increase. This will mean that she has raised her “adult”, canceled the negative “parental” message and reworked it into a positive one for herself. There is a wonderful film on this topic with Barbra Streisand, “The Mirror Has Two Faces.”

So, all you need to do is start to slowly change yourself with love and patience, like good loving parents. But what you definitely shouldn’t do is make claims to your real parents that they didn’t give you enough, didn’t love you. There is no need to blame them even in your heart. They gave birth - and it’s good. They gave life - wonderful, thank you. Hooray! We're alive! Everything we need is given to ourselves, relying on our own strengths, creating our own supports. Although in the film Streisand’s character tells her mother that she is offended, and the mother turns out to be a resource and gives her support, this can be seen as an unexpected gift of fate, and not as a mandatory reaction.

Now about relationships. If your “inner child” is always hungry for attention and love, is very afraid, and you cannot satisfy, love, calm him, that is, in essence, satisfy, love and calm yourself, then you will look for a good parent in the outside world . You will begin to expect parental functions from a man. But men somehow don’t really want to be a father to an adult woman. And if someone wants, they can ask a big price from you, for example, your submission and control over you with the gradual suppression of your will. There is no longer any talk about love, as you probably understand. It's hard to love a weak-willed doll.

Where to start raising a good “inner parent” and a “good adult”? I suggest you take the list of emotional and material needs that you wrote and work with it. Look at each need and write down what you can do in the next month to satisfy it at least a little, and maybe completely. You can write goals for the year, and then for the next month. For example, the need: "I want a man to entertain me". What can I do in the next month to entertain myself? “I want him to provide”. What can I do to increase my income? Let it be even small steps. The main thing is to move. With feelings and emotional needs it is more difficult. We will discuss this in the following articles.