How to comfort a friend correctly without hurting her?

Right

“Cry. Allow yourself"

Sometimes people feel some kind of guilt, real or imaginary, for breaking up. And because of this, they avoid feeling sorry for themselves and experiencing pain. In fact, experiencing emotions is liberating. And the squeezed ones are the opposite. If you want to cry, you have to cry.

“You are good. We love you"

When people break up, self-esteem very often falls and a person falls into despair. It's time to remind you that your love and friendship, other people's assessment of your friend has not changed because they are no longer together.

“Today you feel bad, but it will pass, believe me”

Immediately after the breakup, no future exists, or it is painted in gloomy tones. Slowly build a bridge to tomorrow - this is the best thing you can do for an upset person, to give hope.

"One day you will wake up and everything will be alright"

Because you are good, we love you and everything passes sooner or later. The most effective consolation a woman has ever heard was given by one mother to her daughter: “Before your dad, I had crazy love with another man. And when we broke up, I was in despair and thought that I would never meet anyone with whom I could be happy. I thought so for a very long time. But I was wrong, I met your dad and we have you.”

How to calm a girl down: phrases you shouldn't say

But this can only cause harm

“Come on, forget it, you’ll find someone else”

Unlike the advice above, this one sounds like the previous relationship was worthless. This is wrong. All relationships are worth something, and they should be respected. If you don’t see a problem in her grief, then what are you doing here? Such categoricalness will only finish off a person who is already feeling bad.

"He was a goat"

Even so, your friend is now crying bitter tears for this goat. Because for you he was a goat, and for her - Ivanushka, Ivan Tsarevich. Who may have been a bit of a jerk, but he loved her and made her happy in his own way.

If her ex really doesn't deserve a kind word, then focus not on how bad he was, but on what issues will make her feel better.

"You're better than her"

There is nothing worse than comparing. Besides, no one will believe you, even if you tell the truth. And any comparison leads to the fact that your friend will worry about her imperfections even more. How to calm your girlfriend down? Just don't compare. Just don't touch this topic.

Now on Instagram there is an unusual for social networks #ProjectIWillMama, in which girls are fighting for the chance to become a mother with the help of modern IVF technologies. Reading stories by tags, you understand how much strength, courage and hope we have when it comes to the main purpose in life. Having conceived a child through IVF, many women prefer to remain silent about it. Someone speaks openly about their path, but then the question arises - how to react correctly and support a friend?

Psychologists are talking about this today @yamed.ru

So, if your friend is being treated for infertility.

For many, the idea that motherhood can be a goal in itself, desirable and unattainable, is unusual to say the least. Having barely gotten pregnant, we are already planning life AFTER: how we will organize everything, when the baby is born, how quickly we will get back into shape after childbirth, we will go to baby yoga, meet other active mothers, work remotely, communicate in groups, in general, enjoy your new status. Sometimes something goes wrong... And we learn that a loved one gets stuck in the DO stage, sometimes for many years his life becomes subordinated to planning, while for you there might not even be planning as such. How to react, how to give exactly the support that your friend or close relative needs?

The first and most difficult thing is don't ignore. Yes, your friend may not want to discuss the details of her visits to doctors, her hopes and fears. But at a minimum, she should feel and know that you care, that you are ready to listen to her, that you are interested in what she is going through. Don't be shy to ask about her story. Sincere interest cannot offend or offend. He will make your loved one feel that he is not alone on this path. Yes, usually women going through IVF seek communication with those who themselves have a similar experience. But believe me, the more valuable is communication with a loved one who has known you since your student days and is rooting for you with all his heart.

Don't devalue. When you begin to study the topic of motherhood from a physiological point of view, you understand how divine, complex, and incomprehensible the process of conception and intrauterine development is. For many mothers, especially those who become pregnant accidentally and easily, this will be a revelation - how many factors must come together for a new person to be born. In a word, it's difficult. And women going through IVF understand this better than anyone else. Respect the complexity of this topic, and also recognize that you know very little about this side of the journey to motherhood. Better yet, research the issue, read women's stories, watch educational videos. No, you don't have to become an expert, but it will help you better hear and understand your friend's problems.

Be sensitive when talking about pregnancy and children. Yes, most likely, your friend who dreams of a child will be sensitive to the news of someone else’s pregnancy, as well as excessive details about how everything is going for you. This does not mean that this topic cannot be touched upon at all, just try to show tact and a sense of proportion. There is no need to hide your children from your friend, thinking that it is difficult for her to look at them, much less communicate with them. Of course, there are such situations, but here we are talking about deep depression, which only a qualified psychologist can cope with. In most cases, your friend will be happy to meet and hang out with you and your baby. Under no circumstances should you bypass inviting a childless couple to a birthday or other holiday, arguing that everyone will be with children - you will not be interested.
Stay close. Infertility treatment consumes colossal resources – time, financial, moral. Don’t be shy about offering help - starting from the banal - going to the doctor together in your car, helping with work, going out somewhere together.

And now a few things that you should never say to a friend who doesn’t have children:

– Relax and just turn off your head. Imagine what it’s like to hear this to a person who, one might say, lives from cycle to cycle. This advice is not only impossible to implement, but it also really devalues ​​the problem. Especially when there are serious medical reasons for infertility.
– Consider adoption. Do you really think that if your friend was ready to adopt, she would go through all these countless medical procedures, take hormones and torture herself? Adoption is one of the ways to realize an adult, which has nothing to do with a woman’s desire to give life to a new person. A desire laid down by nature. Many infertile couples adopt children, which does not change their desire to conceive and give birth. These are different things.
– My friend made X number of IVF attempts, and then gave birth herself Great! What can you say in response to this? Thank you for the statistics? No two IVF stories are alike, no two infertility treatment stories are alike. Comparing someone else's success story with your own is also a kind of devaluation.
– Don't worry! I just know that you will succeed! Where does this sacred knowledge come from? There is nothing worse than making baseless promises to a person who knows his problem inside and out.
– Let me lend you mine for a while. Children are such a headache! A rude and inappropriate joke for a person who obsessively dreams of motherhood.
– How much can you afford in life if you don’t spend time and money on treatment and IVF attempts. Perhaps this is true. But this is the choice of an adult, which may not be understood, but must be respected.
– I heard from a friend that there is one person who works miracles. There is no need to advise your friend (especially if she does not ask for advice) doctors or strange healers, whom your mother’s friend’s daughter or someone else turned to, who was given a magic ointment, put a leech on, read a prayer - and everything worked out. Recommend only truly trusted specialists, preferably from whom you are seeing and in whom you are 100% confident.

Troubles happen in the life of any person. Some people outwardly experience death calmly, but for others, a real disaster is a reprimand at work or a failed exam at the institute. In moments of crisis, the participation of others can calm you down and help you believe in yourself again. What words of support can you say in difficult times? Should we sympathize with everyone around us?

When is it okay to meddle in other people's business?

To remain indifferent to the problems of a loved one, close friend or relative is at least uncivilized. Even if what happened seems like a mere trifle to you, you need to give the “victim” the opportunity to speak out. Try to give some useful advice on solving the existing problem or simply express your sympathy. Does a casual acquaintance or an ordinary friend need your words of support in difficult times? This is a controversial issue. Many people feel awkward when they learn about the death of the husband of “Masha from the next department at work” and do not know how to react correctly. It is not always polite to pester a person who works in the same office building with your formal condolences. But if we are talking about a classmate at the institute with whom you regularly meet for coffee and chat about trifles, it is impolite to ignore what happened. The most appropriate thing to do in this situation is to briefly express your condolences or regrets and offer help.

What to say to a loved one?

Sometimes it seems to us that we know and understand our friends better than ourselves. But then something happens, and it’s not at all clear what kind of support a friend should have in difficult times. If a person is in the mood to talk, be sure to give him this opportunity. Try to be alone where no one can overhear you. Do not pester with additional questions, but simply listen and show your interest with all your appearance. But not all people are used to sharing their problems. If your friend is from this category and does not start a conversation first, it is better to let him calm down and not pester him with questions. You shouldn’t give intrusive advice, but it’s acceptable to tell what you would do in such a situation.

How to rehabilitate a friend?

Some problems can be solved. With others you just have to come to terms with it. In the first case, the task of a loved one is to help his friend calm down quickly and begin to act. In the second type of situation, the only way you can help is to try to distract your friend. The most important thing is to choose the right strategy. If your friend's loved one has an accident, he is unlikely to want to go to a club to have fun. But visiting a hospital together, taking a walk together and having a leisurely conversation is a completely different matter. Of course, supporting a friend in difficult times also implies real help. If possible, offer to live together for some time, take on some of the household chores and invite the injured party to get a good night's sleep and rest.

What to do when a loved one is in trouble?

It is extremely difficult to support your loved one. It is important to remember that your view of the problem may be radically different from your partner's perception of the situation. It is much easier for men to understand their women than vice versa. The fair sex is characterized by emotionality; many ladies love not only to describe in detail what happened, but also to talk about their feelings. All a man needs to do is listen. A common mistake that many husbands make: only after learning about the problem do they begin to look for solutions. This is not entirely the right tactic. The woman must first be pitied and reassured. And only after that can you make any attempts to solve the problem. It is quite possible that no real action will be required, but it is enough to find words of support in difficult times and remind them of your love and readiness to help.

How to help your beloved man get through a dark period?

If a representative of the stronger sex has troubles in a couple, the woman should gain wisdom. For some men, problems are just new lessons, while for others, any failure is the end of the world. The main rule is the same as when communicating with any other person. You should not try to find out more than what your interlocutor is trying to tell you. Supporting a loved one in difficult times can also be based on completely ignoring the problem. You should behave as if nothing had happened, trying to please your spouse with some little things. Some men need encouragement. It would be appropriate to say that, thanks to their strong character qualities, they will be able to change and improve everything. The most important thing is to avoid criticism. Even if the current situation occurred due to a mistake and shortcoming of your spouse, you should not remind him of this. Suffice it to say that everything will definitely be the same as it was or even better.

How to console a sick person?

Health problems are the most serious. It’s not without reason that they say that you can buy everything except longevity and your well-being. What words of encouragement will really help a sick person? If the illness is not serious, try to cheer up your interlocutor and jokingly call for a speedy recovery. It would be useful to remind you of what awaits the patient after discharge from the hospital. Promise to go to some interesting place together or take a long-awaited walk. The patient will also be encouraged by the fact that his presence is missed by everyone.

What about those who are seriously ill?

If the disease is quite serious, it is necessary to please the patient with every little thing and try to maintain his good mood. Let us believe every day that healing is possible. Tell us about people who have successfully overcome this disease, and try to introduce your relative or friend to one of them, even if only virtually, using the Internet.

Should parents be supported?

It is not always easy to find words of support for a loved one. How to behave if your parents have problems? There should be no secrets between relatives who are so close. But for parents, we remain children at any age, and for this reason it can be difficult for them to talk about their troubles and admit their own weaknesses. Words must be chosen especially carefully. Whatever you say, it should not call into question the authority of the parents. The best tactics will be the usual care and participation. Show your attention, and, most likely, mom or dad will not only tell you everything, but maybe even ask for help or advice. If a person is depressed and does not want to look for a way out of the current situation, you should help him to tune in to a more positive mood. Try to distract your parents with something or just talk, remembering the past. The most important thing is not to panic and not to rush to act. As soon as calm comes, you can think about the current situation and find the best solution to this problem.

How to help your own child cope with problems?

Breakups are disgusting. Even when the breakup happened to a friend, not you, and you are just there for emotional support, it is difficult for you to watch your friend suffer. Here are things you should keep in mind when supporting your close friend after a breakup.

Compartments extra

A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology found that when you go through a breakup, your body reacts in the same way that a drug addict does. Give your friend the opportunity to speak out, express her emotions, be it anger, sadness or stupor. But to do this, she needs to really “cut” her ex out of her life. “Don’t call, throw away all the notes, clear all the SMS. Don't go near it,” says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., who conducted the study. Have your friend unfriend your ex on all social networks. A study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking reports that staying connected to your ex on Facebook can stunt personal growth and recovery from a breakup.

Stop the swearing

Your friend probably has some mean things to say about her ex. When she wants to express them, don't let it happen. “Help her break the habit of talking about this person,” suggests psychology doctor Gina Barreca. The past cannot be changed, and there is always a choice: for example, not living in all the terrible things that happened, replaying them in your head over and over again. Encourage her to keep the breakup green.

Here's a simple rule for green breakups:
First, help your friend figure out what caused the breakup. If she was wrong, then help her accept the unpleasant truth about herself and change for the better. Maybe at this moment the relationship can still be saved.
If an unresolvable conflict has occurred between a friend and her ex, remind her that both partners should be comfortable in a relationship, and she should not tolerate what she cannot get along with.

In situations where your ex did something bad and broke your friend's heart, try to protect her from being rude to him. Anger will not help matters, and the memory of good things will be distorted.
Remind your friend that if her boyfriend acts like a creep, then she needs to run away from him without regrets. If your friend left on her own, then support her in this choice, if it was made for the right reasons.

Prepare for change

Your friend is going through a difficult transition, and it may affect other aspects of her life, including your friendship. She is experiencing grief, so she will no longer be able to be as good a friend as you are used to. This doesn't mean it will last a lifetime. Just be prepared that communication may become tense or insensitive, even dismissive at times. It's easy to be friends when everything in your life is going smoothly. It's much harder to keep in touch when someone needs you.

Don't take it all on yourself

Providing a shoulder to cry on is an important aspect during a crisis. Empathy is a necessary part of showing caring. But when you listen to other people's suffering and try to understand how to do better, remember the line that should not be crossed. Take the pressure off your shoulders and don't feel responsible for her healing. You don't have to be the perfect adviser and solve all her problems, mostly you just need to listen.

Suggest professionals

Strong experiences can be traumatic. If you see that your friend is down and depressed, don't be afraid to offer her professional help. You're close to her, so you know when things get really bad. It may be difficult and unpleasant for her to hear the truth, but your love for her should be higher than any stereotypes.

Don't say too much

Your friend will definitely not like to hear: “There are plenty of fish in the sea, you will find someone else.” At the moment, she can't move forward because she still hasn't gotten over the breakup. She cries for what she has lost. It might sound like this to her:

Yes, you can't be with the one you wanted, but you can have someone else.

The phrases “He was still an asshole” can also be perceived negatively, because a friend can always object to you: “Do you seriously think I’m a fool for loving him?” Try to direct her complaints about her ex in a constructive direction, for example: “You always complained about how low he behaves during arguments. You’re in pain now, but think about it, you won’t have to listen to this anymore!”

Another catchphrase: “You’re better than his new girlfriend.” It doesn’t matter, because the heart won’t get its own anyway. Instead of comparing your friend to someone else, explain how beautiful she is in her own right. Tell her that you know how strong she is and that she can get through this.

Greetings, dear readers! Being a good friend means sharing not only happy and cheerful moments, but also being there when a person is feeling bad and needs support. Today I want to talk to you about how to comfort a friend when she is feeling bad.

Does she need help now?

Are you feeling good about your friend? Do you know when you should leave her alone and give her time to sort out her problems on her own? After all, this is a very important moment in friendship. Give time to be alone with yourself.

This happened to one of my clients. She went to another country for a month when her boyfriend left her, and upon returning she didn’t want to see anyone. The endless calls from her friends only irritated her, although she tried to make it clear that she needed to be alone.

It is very important to be able to feel this moment. If she doesn't want to see anyone right now, then leave her alone for a while. But she should know that you are always there, that you can meet and talk with her at any time. Be sure to call or write to her periodically. Ask how she's doing, if she wants to meet. Not too often, but not so infrequently that you think you don't care.

This period will definitely end. And your task is to wait patiently for him. But what if you're on the phone and can't stop her from getting hysterical? The most effective way is to tell her not to do anything and that you will come to her now.

Let me cry

After you come to her aid, try to communicate with her as calmly as possible. Although your negative reaction towards the guy who dumped her or cheated on her can be beneficial.

Sometimes it happens that a girl cries and it cannot be stopped with words or actions. She just needs to let her emotions out. You can hold her hand or move her through her hair, and give her a glass of cool water.

If the hysteria is getting worse and you know it's time to stop, you can try making her laugh. Laughter very quickly switches a person from a negative emotion. Remember an old funny story from your common past. Or tell me a ridiculous situation that happened to you. Got a smile on your face? Already good.

Keep painkillers with you, because strong hysterics and tears cause headaches. Brew soothing tea, invite her to take a bath or just take a contrast shower.

Destroying the past

In my practice, getting rid of things from the past has almost always been helpful. One day I came to visit a friend who had broken up with her boyfriend. He threw her very ugly and harshly. We collected all his things, sweaters, documents, blankets and bags. She cut one shirt with scissors, we unraveled the others into threads. Some things were burned in an iron basin. (I just ask you to remember the safety measures).

Such actions help release negative energy. Put a bold point. Remember, now your friend is somewhat unreasonable and can ruin really necessary and useful things. For example, when my friend and I burned her ex’s things, I took a brand new microwave and took a bunch of dishes to the dacha. Maybe some of his things can be sold and get some proceeds?

Of course, the most rational thing would be to simply collect all the things and give them to the owner. Even if your girlfriend doesn’t date him, take this task upon yourself. Act according to the circumstances.

One of my clients still finds her ex’s things in her apartment and immediately falls into apathy. Help your friend get rid of such reminders.

New impressions

New emotions and vivid impressions are a great way to distract yourself. Buy tickets to another city, go on amusement rides, ride horses, go on speed dates, or just get drunk and go to a bar. That's what you need a friend to understand at what moment what to do.

The girl should feel attention, care and support from you. Do not care for her too much, because such strong care can only aggravate the matter. A person must be able to cope with difficulties and experience pain. Be there and help her cope with the situation on her own.

Be there for her if she needs it. Listen more, let her talk and cry. Protect her from rash actions, offer to unwind and have fun. Sometimes it's enough to just sit at home with a carton of ice cream, a bottle of whiskey and the movie Bridget Jones's Diary.

How do your friends help you cope with grief? What exactly will help you forget your ex and start a new life? What should you not do when a woman cries?

I wish you to find those very necessary words to reassure and support your friend.
I'm sure you will succeed!