When you make a difficult choice, psychologists recommend listening not to reason, but to your heart. The fact is that our logic is often shackled by a variety of doubts and contradictions, as well as complexes and imposed beliefs. Meanwhile, our feelings behave much more sincerely. If a person always acts according to his heart, then he knows no doubts and regrets about something that was not done. Psychologists are sure that deep down, everyone knows exactly what they should do, at least when the decision concerns their own life.

There is a good way to determine exactly what you are feeling at the moment. Take a coin and flip it. If something happens that you sincerely desire, then you will gladly do it. If you didn't like the choice of coin, it's obvious: you want something completely different! So do what you want, despite the coin.

Not enough information

Sometimes, even if you flip a coin, you cannot come to the right decision, simply because both options seem equally good or bad. In this case, the problem is usually a lack of information. Try to find out as much as you can about the solutions you found. Surely some of them will turn out to be less profitable in the future or when considering the details. Find out, and then you can make a choice.

Modeling

There are situations that need to be simulated, presenting all possible consequences of a decision. To do this, it is best to take a piece of paper and write down what awaits you in one and in another case. What criteria for the development of events are most important to you? Based on them, evaluate the situations that will arise after each of the decisions. Then it will become clear what action you should take.

View from afar

Often people are tormented by doubts, tormenting themselves with questions about how right they acted in this or that case, and whether they should have done it differently. If this sounds familiar to you, try looking at the situation differently. Remember that you live for more than one day, one month, or even one year. Try to look at your actions from afar, as if 20-30 years have passed, or even more. Most likely, it will become clear to you how good or bad your action is. Or maybe you even realize how minor a problem worries you.

It's impossible to predict everything

No matter what methods of analysis and predicting the consequences of your actions you use, life is still structured in such a way that it is impossible to foresee everything. There are such actions, the result of which can only be demonstrated by time. And even then, it’s not a fact that it will do this specifically for you. Perhaps only your descendants centuries later will be able to know whether you are right now.

Oxy X

I am 30 years old. She lived with her husband for 9 years of marriage.

My husband easily accepted my daughter from my first marriage and became her father. Later we had a son. From the outside, my husband and I seemed like a happy and even ideal couple. But he played the computer too often, rarely communicated with me, and therefore intimacy was not often either.

A few months ago I met a man five years younger than me. At first we met secretly, but later my husband began to realize that something was wrong with me and after my confession, my husband and I separated. I was left alone with the children (now they are 12 and 5 years old). The new man says that he loves me and my children, he wants us to become a family. Treats children well.

But what confuses me is that he has angry outbursts when drinking alcohol. For my sake, he hasn’t drunk for several weeks, everything seems to have calmed down. We continue to meet, but I’m in no hurry to live together. It also confuses me that I began to think that with a new man, my children and I would not have financial stability as before (there would be no car, no vacation in the south, etc.). After all, he receives a small salary due to lack of education. I, with a higher education, have a stable and good job.

I don’t know if I made the right choice when I left my husband with my children. I don’t love my husband; rather, he has become a habit. I love the young man and I am physically attracted to him. But what if it's just passion? I tried to discuss with him the issue that I needed to be alone, communicate more with the children, in order to sort everything out in my brain. And he has a constant reaction: he cries and says that I’m cruel and that I’m leaving him. He has a complex character, he can cry, he can be rude. But I can't leave him.

I don't know what to do. Help with advice, please.

Oxy X, hello!
What can I call you?
Every person has something positive for a relationship and something negative. There was something attractive to you in your husband (financial support, relaxation), and in this man there was physical attractiveness and passion.
A husband is something familiar and close, but here there are new sensations...
To your question:

I don’t know if I made the right choice when I left my husband with my children.

You are now beginning to realize that in every person and in relationships with them there is something significant and important for you. You have a choice - what is more important to you - stability (emotional and material) or emotions (feelings of falling in love)?

How did you and your husband separate?

Oxy X

Hello! You can contact me - Oksana. My husband and I separated without scandals; he left quietly (the apartment is mine). Now we are talking by phone with him about resolving any issues about the children.

Oksana, it is important to answer my questions and comments, highlighting the desired piece of text, then I will have a complete picture of what is happening and an understanding of what I was able to convey to you and what needs to be explained.
It’s good that I managed to maintain a positive relationship with my husband. Once again, the plus in his favor is emotional stability, culture and respect for you and your relationship.
It is always important to maintain a relationship after marriage for the sake of the children.
What do you think about what I commented earlier?

Oxy X

Yes, I loved my husband very much. The marriage was for love. You are probably right that I lacked new sensations and attention. But what if it goes away? It's scary to take the wrong step.

It’s good that I managed to maintain a positive relationship with my husband. Once again, the plus in his favor is emotional stability, culture and respect for you and your relationship.

He is a very patient and reserved person. When we broke up, he even said that he could forgive me for cheating because he loved me and the children.

Oksana,

He is a very patient and reserved person. When we broke up, he even said that he could forgive me for cheating because he loved me and the children.

Oxy X

What does this mean to you? Does this mean to you that you will be able to take advantage of his offer and ever return?

I tried to come back once. Having quarreled with the current man, the husband found out about this just as he was getting ready to take the children to his grandmother for a week. They took me with them. But several days with my husband did not lead to anything - he wanted intimacy, I could not. He said that he loved me and was waiting for mutual words, but I couldn’t say it. So my husband and I separated again.

Oxy X

At the moment, your emotions are directed towards another man, this is how it happened

Yes, you're probably right

Oksana, as I understand it, you spent quite happy years with your husband, and you, of course, are sorry to lose them
On the other side-

After all, if I hadn’t met anyone, everything would have been the same.

Is there a chance that you have met the man with whom you will feel better than with your husband? What do you think?
Do you have a feeling that you regret that you are not with your husband now?

Oxy X

Previously, I could “fight and rebel,” but now I am not allowed to say a word against him if he is in a bad mood.

But when he is calm, everything is fine, I feel good with him

There is now a new form and style of communication for you. Whether you can put up with them and get used to them, time will tell.

Oxy X

Oksana, don’t rush into a divorce, stay in the relationship you have today and feel everything that will happen.
There is now a new form and style of communication for you. Whether you can put up with them and get used to them, time will tell.

Yes, you're probably right, I won't rush. Thank you, Natalya, for your support and advice!

Question:

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh! I've been married for 8 years. I started following the rules of religion two years ago, alhamdulillah. But although my husband believes in Allah as he says, he does not follow Islam. And a year and a half ago, my husband committed zina with an unmarried woman for 4 months and even tried to quickly divorce me and leave me alone with two children. This woman stopped communicating with my husband as soon as she found out that my husband wanted to divorce, although he tried to improve relations with her and went to talk to her. Later he did not give me a divorce, he said that he would not let me go. Then I became pregnant, and Allah gave us a third child. Once my husband told his friend and me that he realized and regrets his action, and also shows me and tells me how much he loves me and the children, is jealous, thanks for the third child, tries to please me, make me happy, earns money and tries for family. I begged my husband to let me go because I couldn’t come to terms with his action, which humiliated me and trampled me morally. And he firmly said that he would never let me go and would not give me to anyone, and that I should give it a chance. Did I do the right thing by forgiving my husband, having a child with him and continuing to live with him? What could I do?

Answer from a psychological point of view:

Praise be to Allah, the Merciful and the All-Merciful! May Allah bless and greet the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his family, his companions and his followers until the Day of Judgment! Amen.

Wa alaikum as-salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu!

No matter how hard it is for you, you need to let go of the grudge and start living in the present. After all, what you experienced is in the past. To err is human and needs reminding.

You have drunk a bitter cup, and when now you are offered a sweet drink, will you really refuse it? Besides, you have small children. Your husband is a good father, he supports and takes care of them. To break now the good things that, by the will and mercy of Allah, you now have, would be, at the very least, unreasonable. Figuratively, why break and throw away a good ship that is repaired and ready to travel?

You experience feelings for your husband that a wife experiences for her husband, including tenderness, passion, care, devotion, etc. And it is these wounded feelings that prevent you from freeing yourself from the negative that you are now experiencing. Simply put, you love your spouse and therefore it is difficult for you to forgive what he did to you, your family bed. Your pride is hurt, your feelings are hurt. And if you treated your husband coldly, you would feel less traumatic about what he did. Look for positive moments in this for yourself, because if there is love, then there will be room for forgiveness. inshaAllah. The good things that you felt for your husband are what you feel for him now.

Treat what happened to you as a predestination of Allah Almighty, Who gave you relief from the burden. It is life’s difficulties that make us richer in experience and knowledge, and our consciousness clearer from what is possible, which prevented us from understanding some things. In other words, after difficulties we change inside, we become cleaner and better, inshaAllah.

Look for the positive aspects in this situation, and it will be easier for you to let it go. Firstly, you have become closer to Allah. You probably made more duas, performed additional types of worship. All this brings the slave closer to the Lord of the worlds. Secondly, perhaps you realized something and became a better person, and your heart is purer. inshaAllah. Thirdly, you realized how dear your husband and father of your children are to you. And this should bring positive changes to your family life. inshaAllah. After all, when we realize how dear something or someone is to us, we behave differently. Then we try to behave in such a way as not to lose it. But a believer must always remember that nothing in this world belongs to him, not even himself. Everything is under the will and submission of Allah Almighty. And if He gave us something (health, body parts, loved ones, property, etc.), then only for temporary use. We are all temporary guests in this world, including our husbands or wives and children. Husband and wife for each other, so that by the mercy of Allah Almighty they find consolation in each other. Just think how merciful Allah is that he created a couple for a person!!!? After all, a person needs his soul mate, and her presence brings him joy and peace. But a person should not forget that this is from Allah and only for temporary use. Allah is Great!

Therefore, we should not treat each other consumeristly, but try to help each other in the matter of piety and faith. Husband and wife are each other's helpers. And the future life is better (more meaningful) than earthly life.

Try to be even more beautiful, gentle and pleasant in your speeches for your husband. Learn his love language and express your love in his love language. This will help you get closer. Does he like affection or praise more, or spending time with you, or working together, or does he like to eat delicious food, etc.? After all, Allah created us all different. And in the satisfaction of the spouse is the pleasure of Allah Almighty.

If you find positive aspects for yourself in what happened to you, perceive all this as a predestination of Allah Almighty and change within yourself and in your actions towards your husband (the spouse has already realized everything and changed his behavior), then it will be easier for you to forgive and let go.

I wish peace to your family! And praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds! Amen.

Elvira Sadrutdinova

From today's episode there will be only one question and a detailed answer on my part, so that I can explain the situation in detail. The current topic is a personal story of moving to another country and doubts about the correctness of the chosen path.

Nastya, Montenegro

Good evening, Olesya! I read your column and admire your courage and vital energy. A little about myself: I’m from Krasnoyarsk, I worked all my adult life as a lawyer in the tax field, became the head of a department, took out a mortgage, bought an apartment, was married, but unsuccessfully - got divorced, paid off the mortgage, started traveling around the world and eventually realized that more I don’t want to sit in the office, I quit my job, distributed things among friends and acquaintances and left for Montenegro. Today I’ve been living here for six months, I worked in real estate unsuccessfully, but the negative experience is also an experience in such a way that I am grateful to it. I met many people, one of them is now trying to guide me on the right path, he is not a church minister, he is just a person with great life experience, one might say, my teacher... I am writing to you because having taken a step, I found myself at the crossroads of seven roads, there is no work, it seems there is a person who shows that everything is possible in this world, he himself started from scratch and rose to certain heights, but I myself don’t know what I want. More precisely, I know that I want to work for pleasure, get paid and not think about what I will eat tomorrow or where I will live tomorrow. It seems that this is what I wanted and was looking for, but again BUT appeared - there is no confidence in myself and my abilities. Maybe I’m just an average person and I’m not capable of more, I’m not that smart and creative, maybe this person who’s trying to teach me to think differently is wrong about me? Question: am I going down the right path? After all, I really wanted this, I gave up everything - career, home, stability, and what now...

Nastya, you are really on the right road - but its name is “cleansing from your own illusions”, and with all my heart I wish you the strength of spirit to walk this path to the end. Part of this path is familiar to me, these “BUTs again,” when everything seems to be the way I wanted, but there is no joy and stability either. The only way out is not to be afraid to move on and look into your real self.

Finding out that everything you sincerely wanted was not your real desires, that moving to another country does not solve absolutely any serious life issues (on the contrary, it adds them) and all the cockroaches will travel with you wherever you go, until you finally decide to deal with them. Finding out that the fact of your dismissal means nothing - unless you found out to yourself that you are capable of such a thing. Find out that the prince, who must resolve all your emotional and material issues regarding the change of country, will not arrive either. And in general, the only way to meet him is to become a princess yourself, but that’s another story. To learn that nothing is done quickly and that the only law in the Universe is called “what goes around comes around.”

The result of your move to Montenegro is only that you are now in Montenegro. Nothing more. Miracles do not happen, but they are done with your own hands. And it's easier than it seems. This is where I checked.

You have moved. AND? What were your plans for the country, what to do, how to live, with whom, what to develop, where to work? What vector?

I want to be wrong, but it seems to me that the intention was simply to move, and then “everything will work out, I left everything.” Well, here it is. It's your choice. If you want things to turn out differently, then you need to 1) decide what you need (at least from this stage); 2) take steps in this direction.

How to decide what I need?

Start acting consciously, and the first step is to close your pressing questions. Need money? This means they have to be earned. You've only tried real estate. That's all? We need to try again. Try and try. Only the trial and error method can bring you closer to the true “I want”, and not all the numerous conclusions.

I understand that I don’t want to lower the bar, I don’t want to start all over again - it would be better if it all somehow resolved itself and immediately with what I love. But these are all dreams. Would you like to start a new life by moving? This is the beginning - the zero reference point. There is nothing and no one on it yet. Welcome to your new life.

Only a few are capable of finding themselves in the zero-point vacuum as an adult and of their own free will, because it is terribly scary. You were able to take the first step, now you need to find the courage to declare your ascent to new heights of personal existence open and continue your movement forward, but without those same rose-colored glasses. And to continue, even if you need to return to your homeland...

It is impossible to go wrong on the road if you follow it. There is no actual path - you build it with your own hands right here and now. That's why it's so important to take the next step and intend to change everything for the better. One job was not suitable, start the next one, and so on - until complete purification and clarification of consciousness. It will come, reality will level out.

Somewhere on the Internet, I came across words that perfectly reflect the essence:

If you have met yourself and are not horrified, you have not yet met yourself

(I don’t know if you are ready for the depth of these words now... In any case, let them lie here for the future)

Meeting yourself: with your weaknesses, illusions, false passions and inner depravity - this is the best thing that can happen to a person, despite all the pain that accompanies this process.

You are on the right track, Nastya.

I don’t understand about the person who is trying to guide you on the right path... In any case, everything will depend only on your actions, and not on his words. A true helper on the path - gives you tools and takes a step to the side, leaving you alone with yourself. He won't make decisions for you. Don't expect this from him.

Knowing your path and walking it are not the same thing

film Matrix

Question for psychologists

Hello, I have been married for 1.5 years and have a 5 month old child. And there were problems in family life from the very beginning. My husband seems to be asking me for advice, but he does things his own way. He makes all the decisions himself. He's boring. We live in my apartment, it bothered him from the very beginning. He did not have his own home at that time, and the situation has not changed. But we decided to live with him for now, and over time we will try to earn money for joint housing. There were conflicts even throughout the pregnancy. Also, during pregnancy, I started having health problems. Before pregnancy, we often went to see his parents, but then the doctors forbade me to leave the city. From the beginning, of course, he supported me when we found out about my health problems. then humiliations towards me and jealousy began on his part. And he began to reproach me, even though I worked and went on maternity leave two months before the birth of the child. But even here he told me that I did not spend the money objectively. Although the budget was common, and we always agreed on how to spend it. Then such a relationship simply began to depress me; after the birth of the child, we lived with my parents for a month. And all month long there were conflicts in the evenings. Parents then began to notice this. When we moved home a month later, from the beginning everything seemed normal for a month, then there was a scandal on New Year’s Eve, he broke the door, I couldn’t stand it, I was scared, and my daughter and I were taken away by our parents. Then after a while he brought us back. But nothing. I came home late, tired, staring at my cell phone and that’s it. No special communication with the child or with me. Then it got to the point of absurdity that because the child woke up at seven in the morning to eat, he could not then sleep; he asked the child to feed him later when he woke up. In general, he doesn’t sleep at night, because he constantly wakes up as he says. But at the same time, sleeping separately in the living room on the sofa did not accept this option. The last straw was that he arrived from his parents, having recently been recruited, and answered questions with impudence and conflict. And I decided to leave him. I don’t know, it’s still not pleasant to experience it. and I don’t know if it’s unlikely to change. he was sure that I would live with my parents and then we would be together. But I told him that since we can’t do anything, why torture each other. And she asked him to pack his things and move out. He left. He hasn't written since then. And I sent the keys to the house by courier service.

Received 4 pieces of advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Did I do the right thing by leaving my husband?

“It’s somehow not pleasant to experience this”

Ramina, you can read about how to survive a breakup and recover (and watch a video) in my interview on this topic - here:
http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/for-the-family/razvod

"It's unlikely he'll change"

And you are right about this...

It is impossible to change your husband from the outside, without his desire, but you can try to negotiate and find a compromise - that is, resolve the conflict situation through mutual concessions.
If you have already tried this option (and for this you may need the help of a family psychologist), you are left with the following choice:
- leave everything as it is;
- change the circumstances in which the problem arose;
- change your attitude towards circumstances, i.e. - accept them as:
- necessary given;
- as a lesson that needs to be taken and learned;
- as a catalyst for intrapersonal resources and opportunities;
- as something positive, which is contained in what is still perceived as negative;
- or change something about yourself.

If there are any difficulties, please contact me, I work by e-mail (on-line) and Skype.
And I can help you individually.

With uv. Kiselevskaya Svetlana, psychologist, master's degree (Dnepropetrovsk).

Good answer 4 Bad answer 1

Good afternoon, Ramina!

I think it would be wrong to evaluate your decision. The decision has been made and I really trust you that at a certain moment this was a way out of the current situation for you. Right or wrong, only time will tell...

Another question is, what is happening to you now that you are thinking about your choice??? Do you miss your spouse's care? Are you worried about raising your baby? Is it difficult for you financially without the help of your spouse? There are many questions...

The condition of a woman after childbirth, even in an ideal family, is very difficult. These include physiological changes and responsibility for the baby and caring for the child. Especially if this is the first and only miracle! True, I have a lot of sympathy, understanding and support for you.

I wish you happiness!

Svetlana Anatolyevna Rudoy, ​​psychologist, Astana

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Hello Ramina, you have been married for 1.5 years and have a 5 month old child. Your phrase:

I told him that since we can’t do anything, why torture each other. And she asked him to pack his things and move out

key for me and here's why:

You yourself write about how little you have, what has worked in your family, and you think that divorce could be the solution. Have you ever thought about the fact that in family conflicts there is always the fault of both spouses? And that you should start to figure out why exactly what is stopping you isn’t working out?

Initially, you decided to live in your apartment, although it bothered your husband. I'm guessing this is your proposal.

After giving birth, again, you went to live with your parents, and they didn’t come to you to help you with the child. Here again, you did what was convenient for you, not your husband. It is unlikely that he would go to live with your parents with great desire.

It was there that your quarrels began in even greater numbers.

You somehow got married without leaving your parents, that is, your separation from your relatives ( separation) never happened either psychologically or territorially.

The first year or two is a stage Confrontation In a new family and for you, this period is quite difficult. You both make mistakes, each has their own idea of ​​how things should be. But you need to take into account that the family must strengthen precisely in these everyday grindings, and this is how your new rules in the family, which you did not create at the time of marriage, can be born.

At the moment, it seems to you that divorce is the best way out of your difficulties. You have a mom and dad, they help you with the child, But.... At the same time, you will never be able to learn how to build relationships with men, you will not be able to learn to be independent and finally become the keeper of your hearth. You choose to simply run away from difficulties.

Your husband is a good person, he works, comes home, earns money. At the same time, he is little happy that he can live in your living space and is ready to think about how to resolve this issue in the future.

At your very first words to pack your things and leave, he did not cling to anything (material) and left, handing you the keys. There are a lot of masculine actions in this and this characterizes him on the positive side. Of course, he also has childish antics, when he asks to feed the child only when he wakes up, but this can be solved without a divorce.

It’s still worth thinking about why you got married, can you say that you yourself have always been on top, and that you don’t have any regrets that your child, before he was born, lost the right to live and grow to the fullest? a family where there is both mom and dad. Best wishes.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana

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