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“Well, soon even for complimenting a colleague you will be fired from your job,” is the reaction we now often hear in response to reports of more and more cases of sexual harassment in Hollywood. Look, French actresses even urge us to beware of the “wave of puritanism” - they say, if this continues, then men will be afraid to flirt with women, practically under the threat of criminal punishment. Just as in Lermontov “horses and people mixed together,” so here commentators and journalists pour compliments, flirting, and banal and, frankly, not particularly pleasant impudent harassment to anyone into one pot. We invite you to sort out the concepts, learn to distinguish pleasantries from all other annoying maneuvers and become proficient in the art of beautiful and polite compliments.

Let's start with definitions: in Ozhegov's dictionary, a compliment implies kind and pleasant words or flattering reviews. In English Webster, the word receives a more official interpretation - it is a formal expression of courtesy or respect for someone, and “formal” itself implies certain clear boundaries. Google's dictionary considers a compliment to be a polite expression of praise or admiration. Please note that in both last interpretations the key word is “polite”, which defines the manner in which the words are spoken: courteous, respectful, well-mannered and tactful. The compliment itself expresses courtesy, a certain respect towards the recipient and is pronounced delicately and with respect for the other person.

Okay, everything seems clear, but someone will still object that the phrase “You have a great ass” can be given with all the delicacy and courtesy. And again, with respect... to someone’s very sexy figure. And dictionaries for the modern Internet generation are the most boring and even incomprehensible source of information. Let's then look at the example of comparisons and understand how a good compliment differs from a vile harassment.

A compliment has several distinctive features, by which you will not confuse it with anything. They can also be used to conduct a “compliment test” of the phrase you just heard. Ask yourself: what if I said this to my close friend, to a colleague or family member, would that sound creepy? For example, “You have a very beautiful hairstyle" would be perfect to lift your sister's spirits. What about “you’re so passionate, I could pin you down in the hallway somewhere”? Oh no, your sister would definitely tell your mom that you’ve gone crazy and watched enough American TV series.

Another test question for a compliment would be: “If someone said these words to someone I love or respect, would I be upset?” For example, you would be pleased if your father would tell your mother out loud in front of everyone that she is a damn beautiful woman. And if a construction worker did the same thing out loud in front of you, you would feel awkward and, perhaps, you would even want to stand up for your mother and answer him something scathing. That's right, here's another one important characteristic compliment - not everyone has the right to utter appreciative compliments, because in this way they invade a person’s personal space.

If we simplify everything literally to GIFs in Stories on Instagram, then a compliment is balloon, launched into the sky and delighting us all from there, and pestering is a bullet that is fired with malicious intent and will certainly cause discomfort, if not pain, to the recipient. In other words, compliments, unlike pestering and harassment, do not seek an immediate reaction and are not aimed at provocation. The most they can count on and will be quite happy with is a smile. Compliments do not have to be said loudly, shouted from across the street and raised in voice, or accompanied by vulgar gestures to be heard. And finally, compliments are not pronounced with the aim of interrupting a person and sharply preventing him from doing what he was doing before: working, studying, calmly walking down the street, looking at the phone in the elevator.

And now from the script to the key idea. Compliments in their essence are intended to please the other person, and not to please the pride of the one who expresses them. And compliments are certainly not a way to show yourself as a sexually active macho in active search. While a compliment is clear proof respect, harassment is an argument in favor of male dominance and the same male permissiveness.

And of course, a compliment never aims to put a woman or girl in an awkward position or even to humiliate her, to reduce her to status sexual object or a weak-willed toy - on the contrary, for real sincere words admiration is intended to cheer her up, make her happy, make her proud of herself and... quite possibly, not answer anything in return

How often do we forget that people are ready to listen to good and kind words about myself for hours. When we need to win over our interlocutor, we are ready to come up with a lot possible ways do it. But sometimes we forget about such simple and effective things as giving compliments.

It is customary to compliment ladies, because “women love with their ears.” But in fact, everyone is happy to hear pleasant words about themselves, it’s just that men most often hide their reaction to compliments. Such a predisposition to be moved by hearing words about oneself comes from basic need human needs positive emotions. A person who helps you satisfy this need immediately becomes pleasant to talk to and puts you at ease.

How to give the right compliments

Understand what a good person is and the right compliment, defining this concept will help. Kind, pleasant words and flattering feedback are called a compliment. And what distinguishes it from flattery is precisely the meager exaggeration positive qualities or characteristics of a person. For a better perception, I think it’s worth giving an example: “You look great in this dress” (compliment) and “You are the most lovely woman"(flattery). The latter very clearly shows that they are trying to please and flatter you. Often, using such parameters, you can reveal what exactly the person wanted to do: a compliment or outshine you with flattery. Often flattering reviews can be refuted and not accepted due to obvious untruthfulness. Not everyone likes this attitude towards themselves, although situations are different.

Of course, in business interpersonal interaction Compliments are more often pronounced as manifestations of wit and subtle execution of communication skills. But you should remember that your words can be heard and understood in different ways and you should subtly feel the moment of compliments. Otherwise, you can ruin both the mood of your interlocutor and your impression of yourself.

Compliment and praise. Often these concepts can be put on a par. But it is worth noting one nuance in the use of these communication tools. Praise is pronounced more often by the “tops” in relation to the “bottoms”, speaking about service relations, and the compliment is pronounced by the “bottoms” as if praising the “tops” above them, allowing them to rise even more.

Based on the above, we can summarize that the right compliment is pleasant words spoken about another person against the background of a decrease in one’s merits. Here is a case from the constant everyday life of the office. One employee says to another: “How can you be so kind to the accounting department? This morning I tormented our chief accountant for an hour over a certificate, and in 10 minutes you received from her a certificate and analysis on the latest cases.”

Such a positive perception of a compliment is helped by the use of information known to both parties. life situations or the strengths of a partner. Facts are revealed that put the other side of the communication process in a more advantageous position. But basing a compliment on mythical assumptions can reduce these pleasant words to simple flattering statements or make them implausible. Therefore, when you are not sure whether a person knows what we are talking about, it is worth reminding him of these facts, and then paying compliments in his honor.

Awakening fantasies. Compliments are considered great if they allow you to encourage your interlocutor to mentally continue them and give free rein to his fantasies. It happens that a man is told that his car is very good, powerful and that he himself looks great next to this car. How does a person react to this: “Of course, because I was able to earn money for this car, I am successful in my business. I'm doing great at work, and at home I'm strong and friendly family, for which I do all this.” It turns out that by giving a compliment to personal things, their owner can attribute these words to his own account.

Another important fact is that in order to accurately hit the target, it is necessary that necessary part the compliment was well-structured, simple and clear. It is necessary not to wrap up the sentence with numerous turns, but, on the contrary, to make it simpler and clearer. Avoid moralizing, avoid ambiguity of emotions and words when pronouncing compliments.

Common phrases. We all know that there are a diverse number of words that are pleasant to hear for any person. Almost all of us want to be healthy, loved, confident; to be successful, successful; having beautiful children, relatives nearby, etc. Interpersonal communication helps to obtain a lot of other, more personalized information. Considering positive characteristics or actions specific person, your compliment will look more advantageous and will be more appreciated by your interlocutor.

Let's conduct an experiment - give a compliment to a person whom you consider, say, not very successful in his career. Think about whether he has the same opinion about himself? Most likely not. Perhaps he set his life priorities differently. He believes that it is necessary to devote more time to his family and children. This is a reason for a compliment: “I wish my family, like yours, would spend time together more often.”

Amateur mistakes. We are mistaken when we think that we should only say pleasant words to those people from whom we want or can benefit. What about practice? Without having any specific experience, say the right words V right moment this will be the most difficult task. Most likely, the person you want to contact will guess your intention, and you haven’t even practiced. Consequently, there is an idea that nothing good will come of this venture.

Compliments every day. How often should you practice giving compliments? Constantly. To any person who deserves nice words You need to pay compliments to yourself. Only through training and practice can you hone your ability to give compliments clearly, clearly and on target. It wouldn’t even hurt to establish a bonus for yourself: “Compliment of the Day.” And with successful statements, pamper yourself good mood!

At first, try to say compliments “without extra ears” so that other people do not embarrass you. Identify qualities in your interlocutor that are less pronounced in you, and say this while looking into his eyes. Minor mistakes will not be too noticeable or will be forgivable for a novice master, since we all love to hear flattering words about ourselves. When you feel like you are mastering the skill, give compliments in public. This way they will make a greater impression on the interlocutor.

To summarize what has been said, I would like to note that there are no losers in this matter. A successful and correct compliment puts everyone around in a good mood. Smiles appear on the faces of your interlocutors, and on your face as well, your well-being improves, and therefore your mood.

And finally, I suggest you watch this wonderful video about the power of a compliment:

Give compliments and give people joy, for your own good!

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