The problem of relationships with men has always been very acute for women. And, despite the huge amount of information, advice and own experience, unfortunately, it remains so. It would seem that feelings have just begun to blossom between you, as you, without understanding anything, look at the door slammed behind your beloved.

What happened, why did it happen, and how could you not see that for him it was absolutely not serious? All these questions immediately rush through your head in a swarm, without finding answers. How can you find out how serious a guy’s intentions are towards you? Let's not guess with chamomile, but try to understand this issue a little.

How do you know if a guy has serious intentions?

In their youth, many girls tend to make mistakes in a young man. Everything seemed to be fine: meetings, affectionate glances, gentle touches. And then he just stops all communication. Why does this happen, and how can you tell if a guy has serious intentions?

First, take a close look at how he behaves in your presence. If a young man is really interested in you, he will not glance at other girls in your presence. All his attention will be focused only on you.

Every time he meets you, does he offer you a drink or does he drink himself? Or does he use dirty words? This sure sign that the young man does not take your relationship seriously. Despite the fact that swearing can be heard on the street every second, a man in love will not abuse it in the presence of his beloved girl, because your opinion about him is very important to him.

Secondly, pay attention to where your boyfriend invites you. Cinema, restaurant, theater, parks or just walk around with him interesting places cities? This is simply wonderful. Eateries - pubs or in the company of some dubious friends? No, it's not yours anymore. End your relationship with him immediately before things go too far. Because such behavior means that he does not respect you enough and is not trying to impress you. good impression. He just doesn't need it.

How does he communicate with you? Does he talk to you about his ex-girlfriends? The guy who has serious intentions will never talk about his past relationships, so as not to hurt you. Well, and most importantly, he will not try to drag you into bed until you yourself are ready for this. He will be pleased to be next to you without any obligations, interested in your affairs, studies, work. If everything happens exactly the opposite, don’t take it seriously.

Pay attention to the little things, because they say that’s where the devil hides: you didn’t help you carry your bag, you didn’t ask how you were feeling when you were sick, you didn’t come because it was raining outside. And you never know such “little things”? Remember that loving guy– gentle and caring in everything!

Many girls wonder how to ask a guy about the seriousness of his intentions. Of course, you can ask, but will you get an answer? If the guy main goal is to “check the box,” then believe me, he won’t tell you about it. He will say anything but the truth. You can understand for yourself the seriousness of your boyfriend’s intentions if you look at your relationship not through the prism of “ rose-colored glasses”, but to really evaluate his attitude.

How to tell if a man is serious about his intentions

But girls make mistakes not only at a “tender” age. Being already adults and having some experience of communicating with the opposite sex, adult women still step on the same rake. How can one understand the seriousness of the intentions of an adult who has emerged from puberty men?

The panacea is still the same - look at his attitude towards you. And look from the very first dates. After all, in his youth, a guy is more romantic and, in order to capture the imagination of the girl he likes, he is ready to shower his beloved with flowers and gifts, and do crazy things. Having matured, he will act more rationally. If a man does not have serious intentions, all romance will end very quickly, he will simply find another object of desire, who will be more accommodating. A man who cares about you will never complain about his financial problems or troubles at work. On the contrary, he will try to look like a self-sufficient and prosperous person in your eyes, even if this is far from the case.

Even with a very busy workload, your man will find time for you to call and just talk to you “about nothing”, ask how you are doing and what’s new. He will always be ready to support you morally if you are in a bad mood, and will not say that he already has enough problems.

If you've been dating for a while, try talking to him about the future and see how he reacts. Just try not to dumbfound your loved one with an ultimatum “to the registry office and children”; this will not be entirely correct. Pay attention to whether he introduces you to his friends and family. A man who is not indifferent to a woman will try to introduce her into his environment, as if declaring to everyone that you are a couple.

Just don’t rush to rejoice if he introduced you to friends, but is in no hurry to meet his family. Plus, your surroundings ignore you, trying to delay meeting with your friends or family. Reluctance to get to know people with whom you are friends is a sign that he does not want to get to know you and your interests.

For some reason, many women are sure that if a man takes a step and decides to live together, then it goes without saying that this will lead to marriage. Living together is a serious step for a man, there is no arguing about it. But it happens that this act of a man means little to him. And the reasons for such a decision may be different.

IN cohabitation a loving man will happily share with you all the pitfalls of everyday life and household responsibilities. If you still live with your own wallet, or even worse, your total budget consists only of your own funds - think about it. Loving man someone who takes your relationship seriously will never allow similar situation. He will strive to contribute to yours, almost family budget, much bigger than you.

How does he behave when you are sick? Does he take care of you, or do you run to the pharmacy yourself to get your medicine? All these aspects are very important in your relationship, and you simply must pay attention to them. And don’t even try to justify in your eyes this man’s attitude towards you: “He’s just going through a period,” “He’s tired and that’s why he didn’t want to go to the pharmacy,” “He’s having problems at work, where else can he listen to me?” Remember, this behavior only indicates disdain for you! He is not interested in your problems, which means there can be no talk of any serious intentions on the man’s part.

How to find out the intentions of a married man

There are situations when you meet a man you really like and find out that he is married. If this happened at the first meeting, there is only one piece of advice - stop all communication with him. But what to do if you are not meeting him for the first time, and your loved one assures you that you are very dear to him? How to find out true intentions married man?

Of course, there are many cases when men leave their wives and go to other women. But there are many more cases when the man did not even intend to do this. Unfortunately, it is impossible to read the thoughts and desires of another person. But it is quite possible to predict the further development of the situation.

If a married man has serious intentions towards you, then he will simply get a divorce, and quite quickly. But if he is constantly looking for some excuses for such a decisive step, then nothing good will come of it.

If you hear from him that now is not the time because: “his wife is very sick,” “the children are still very small,” “the children are adolescence and this traumatizes them”, “divorce is not approved by management and it will affect your career”, then know that he has no intentions towards you. Well, except for one thing, of course. Therefore, it is better to try to get away from such relationships as early as possible. And you don’t need to listen to the man’s arguments that you need to wait a little longer and then everything will work out. Because this, alas, is far from the case.

And finally, I really want to address: dear women, hoping for serious relationship with a married man, remember Ranevskaya’s phrase that when you get into someone else’s herd, you can only take away a heifer!

It's a shame that even when you feel good together, for men this is not always a reason to think about a future together. “To avoid disappointment, we will use the good old principle “forewarned is forearmed!”

1. “A man is in no hurry to introduce you to his friends.” It is clear that we are not talking about a period that does not allow you to simply break away from each other. But then a man who is proud of his choice cannot wait to show off in his close circle. Maybe you really are not his dream?

2. “Doesn’t introduce you to your parents.” This is alarming, but it is important to know the reason. The family is not always ready to support the choice of even a beloved son, not to mention those cases when the situation there is tense. “This is not always a manifestation of a man’s frivolity,” explains the author.

3. “When going out together, he withdraws and rarely looks at you.” You may think that he is embarrassed by your presence or is distracted by other women. The author comments on this: “Most likely, he’s just bored with you.”

4. “Drinks alcohol at every meeting.” This behavior may indicate a lack of self-confidence, but other explanations do not sound reassuring. “There is a high probability that there is a holiday man next to you. He wants to have fun and is only ready for a non-committal relationship.”

5. “Rare meetings and calls.” Don’t be naive, being busy and busy will never interfere with your desire to always know where your loved one is and what’s wrong with her. “Most likely, he is married and has many women’s names in his notebook, and he plays “harem” with you.

6. “Swears at your exes and treats other women rudely in your presence.” Quarrelsomeness and pettiness are character traits, but for your beloved you want to be the best. If he doesn't feel the need to keep it to himself, it's unlikely that he cares what you think about him. “Soon he will surface in a petty quarrel,” the author adds.

7. “Constantly says that you need to change something in your appearance and criticizes your figure.” This interest is called sexual desire, but not love. “When we love, we completely accept a person without trying to change him.”

8. “He asks to borrow a certain amount of money.” By nature, a man is a leader; his woman can be looked after and weak, but in no way a tractor and assistant in solving problems. “You don’t need a gigolo, right?”

9. “A man is in no hurry to share his future with you.” This is ambiguous. His dreams and plans may be darkened not by you at all, but by other factors - past experiences, fear of circumstances and a pessimistic attitude. “It’s worth finding out more about the events of his past life.”

10. “A man is not in a hurry to help you and date you, only you call him.” It would seem that there is nothing to think about here. But in fact, we are ready to replace reality with any explanations - he is timid, is not used to being the first, does not know how to express feelings. "Maturity young man manifests itself in a willingness to take responsibility for your life together.”

Psychologist Alisa Metelina herself mentions in her book that this is an optional set. “I pointed out first of all those signs that a priori will be for you.”

Your relationship has already lasted quite a long time. long period, but there is no recognition or hint of the seriousness of the relationship from the man. You can put up with this for a while, but sooner or later you will begin to wonder: what is the reason for this behavior, how to understand what?

And there is another situation: a man does not take his eyes off you at the first meeting, but does not dare to invite you on a date or get acquainted. Girls rarely throw away principles and get acquainted first, so the moment that can develop into a serious relationship is often missed.

It should be understood that a declaration of love for men is a serious step and, fearing rejection, they do not risk confessing their feelings. However, how can you understand that a man is serious and is not interested in just a fleeting romance with you?

Signs that a man is serious about you

Today, relationship psychology identifies the four most important signs which speak of the seriousness of a man’s intentions towards his chosen one:

The first thing you notice when a man experiences sincere sympathy for a woman, and maybe even love, is the desire to spend as much time with her as possible. Your chosen one will find not only time, but also a reason to stay with you as long as possible.


Showing care and tenderness, without demanding anything in return, is the second sign that someone is serious about you.


Your requests are not ignored, at the same time, the man takes the initiative and all requests do not go unnoticed.


When you heard from his friends that in your absence, the chosen one becomes more withdrawn, his mood rapidly drops.

When a man is truly in love, he won’t necessarily talk about it every day. But there are cases when for the opposite sex, words of love are an empty phrase, so they “spray” them quite often, without investing special meaning. But silence is often a signal of sincere feelings. So, how to understand a man's true intentions? Often, it is enough just to take a closer look at the body language and try to analyze them.

When he sees his chosen one, for whom a man feels an insane passion, he will begin to suck in his stomach, straighten his shoulders, and shake off non-existent specks of dust from his shoulder. You may notice how the man's pupils dilate when he sees you. Many psychologists claim that such a reaction occurs only in people in love. Pay attention to his body position. Your partner will try to be as close to you as possible, hold your hand, try to protect you from others. A man in love will try to look into your eyes as often as possible during a conversation, catching your every move.

An important point in understanding a man’s relationship with a woman is the emotions that he shows next to her. When communicating with the chosen one, with whom a man is in love, you can notice how the smile does not leave his face, while he will constantly look into her eyes.

A serious man will constantly look for ways to please you and pleasantly surprise you, without waiting for a special occasion.

If you still doubt the sincerity of your chosen one, and are thinking about how to understand the guy’s intentions, then try to find out what kind of relationship he had before you. You should not continue the relationship, much less expect a declaration of love from a married man. Being married, a man is unlikely to want to destroy it for your sake, and for a womanizer you will be just another beautiful girl in his "collection".

When you know that a man is not into short affairs and does not support them, and is also lonely, then the chances of his sincerity towards you increases significantly. Feel free to observe your partner, his emotions and ask his friends about former relationship. After all, the continuation of your communication depends on such information.

The seriousness of the chosen one’s intentions: how to recognize?

You've had enough long period with your man. Candy-bouquet period left behind and you are tormented by the question of the seriousness of your chosen one’s intentions. A woman is especially worried when she has been with a man for several years, but still no marriage proposals are received. At such a moment, doubts and worries are quite natural.

So, how can you understand that a man is serious about you, about his desire to connect his destiny with you? First of all, take a closer look at his behavior, as well as the topics of conversation. A serious man will at least occasionally hint to you about life together and even marriage. He will want to meet your parents and also introduce you to his. Do not forget that for such a chosen one you will always be a priority and he will prove it in every possible way. Such a man will not disappear for a week after the next date, but will try to call or see each other as often as possible.

One more important point is intimacy. The chosen one in love will not rush you, and at the moment of intimacy will not limit himself to his own pleasure, forgetting about his companion. Other women will become taboo for him, he will not allow himself familiar communication with her, much less light flirting.

Still from the movie "The Notebook", 2004.

How to find out if your chosen one loves you and understand that the man is serious? Of course, you can only get the most accurate answer from your chosen one, but what to do when you don’t have the strength to wait and want to understand how he feels about you.

At the first stage, you can try asking his friends. He probably discussed your relationship and feelings for you more than once. However, there is a risk that your friends will not want to tell you such personal information or you will not like the answer. Don't be upset in this case, because the words strangers do not always contain the truth. As already described above, the only the right way To understand a man's intention is to observe his behavior. Another sign that he is serious about you will be jealousy on his part. He won't allow it opposite sex show excessive attention to you, and, if necessary, delicately explain that you are not alone.

It would be a good idea to joke about living together and see the man’s reaction. If he joked about the fact that he is not ready yet, then we are hardly talking about a serious attitude towards you. When a man decides to be together, he himself proposes to move in together as quickly as possible. This way, your boyfriend will show that he is committed to a serious relationship.

Still from the movie "Dear John", 2010.

It is important to understand that not all men true love will prove with every minute attention and expensive gifts. In many cases, your chosen one will begin to take more diligent care of his career, perhaps looking for a new job. Most likely he sees in you future wife, so he will try to do everything to make life together as comfortable as possible.

Unfortunately, men do not always show their love in the way we (women) would like to see or are accustomed to seeing in romantic films. Don't forget about psychological characteristics men. Often, sincere feelings your chosen one can show not a bouquet of dozens of roses, but banal care, in the form warm scarf and hot tea when you are sick.

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Question for a psychologist:

I’m talking to a man, I’m not sure that he takes me seriously. But he often talks about a future in which there is always me.

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

Understanding the seriousness of a man’s intentions in a relationship with a woman is indeed not easy, and your difficulties are quite understandable and natural.

The principle by which you should evaluate a man’s attitude towards you is the following: ask yourself two very simple questions: “What did he do for me?” And “What problems did he help me solve?” Write down on paper what the man did for you, when and to what extent the help was provided. Show this paper to several people and listen to how they evaluate the amount of effort, time and feelings that the man invested in his relationship with you.

Are we talking about some overly mercantile things? The fact is that most women are too trusting and beautiful-hearted. They are shy (you can read about this in the first part) and that is why they cannot soberly assess the essence and intentions of a man. Besides, feelings get in the way. But how your life will go is a big responsibility. Therefore, we suggest that you pick up a piece of paper, a pen and a calculator and go through the following points:

Big words or real actions?

If a man didn’t do anything for you, but simply said something (for example, how extraordinary you are or what a wonderful mother and wife you will turn out to be), this is not serious. The following statements are also frivolous: “Darling, I want to build a family with you” or “Do you want to get married?” By the way, these are the two most common ways manipulation of a woman by dishonest men - reassuring her with words and then using her sexually and abandoning her.

Motivation

Next, if a man has done something for you, you need to understand motivations for his actions. For example, he bought you an expensive gift. Ask yourself a question: did he do it from the heart or decided to “buy” you. Some men treat a woman as a commodity that they buy for a gift or money, and then consider her their toy or property. Women in such a situation often think that they have found love and a serious relationship, not realizing that respect on the part of a man upon loss by a woman financial independence there won't be. Sometimes a man gives gifts in order, on the contrary, to break up with you without any offense on your part, but you may not immediately understand this. That is, look the real reason his actions - analyze the man’s motivation.

Think about what you get in a relationship, and what a man could potentially get in a relationship with you. Perhaps you hold an excellent position, are outwardly beautiful and it is prestigious to show you among his friends in order to raise your rating in your environment. Perhaps you have relatives with money and positions who can help him make a career and his real goal is not you. Perhaps you are a wonderful housewife with an easy-going character and you can be persuaded to serve him and spend most of the day trying to please him in appearance and please him with lunch and dinner. There can be many options here. That is, when analyzing a man’s motivation, always think about the rule of reciprocity: what you get and what the man gets. If you find it difficult to analyze this on your own, do not hesitate to consult a good psychologist on this topic.

Let's say that a man solved your problems, helped you not only inspired expressive words, but also actions, and this period when a man invested in you amounted toless than two years. During this period, it is important for you to evaluate personality defects andnegative character traitsmen, assess whether he is a socially adapted psychopath, whose words and explanations for his actions cannot be trusted at all. Yes, socially adjusted psychopaths are not at all those men from the news who run around with an ax (that is, they are not sociopaths). These are people who are completely adapted to life, deprived from birth of all kinds of moral qualities . We are currently writing a series of articles in order to understand what signs can be used to distinguish a socially adapted psychopath from a socially unadapted psychopath (sociopath) and from a narcissist. The point is that such a person can offer to marry you, without considering this a serious matter, obliging him to something with all the ensuing consequences.

Finance and romance

Next, to assess the seriousness of a man’s intentions, it is important for you to evaluate his socialthe man’s financial and living status, check the sources of his income. Because a financially unsuccessful man can use you as a fickle mistress, that is, he will offer you open relationship without any obligations. At the same time, in order not to waste energy searching new girlfriend for pleasure, he may well talk to you a lot about plans for the future, and in exchange for his words about a happy future, force you to serve him not only sexually, but also to work in everyday life, for example, cleaning, washing, cooking, or even worse, using your mind, for example, asking you to help him intellectually.

Social status and money is not an empty phrase for men, as well as for many women. A decent man is ready to start a family when he has closed questions about understanding his status in society, questions about having his own home are closed, and he has have money to support a family. That is, a man who does not have a position, he has no housing and money, and he has not understood who he is in this world - in principle, nothing but beautiful words, cannot offer you. If he has not yet achieved anything socially, perhaps he will hope for your help in career growth. If he doesn’t have housing, perhaps he will rely on your living space. Do I need to explain why women, helping men change it social status for the better, often quit - when a man reaches a new level of income?

Forgive me for being so pessimistic - too many women come to the psychologist who were used by men, who promised a beautiful future and disappeared after a while. Therefore, I repeat, take a man’s actions very seriously, and not his intentions expressed only in words. A loving man will, first of all, strive to help you in everything.

What if you are in love but have doubts?

If you have difficulties understanding the intentions and motivations, assessing the personality of the prospective partner - do not rush things, slow down the courtship process, extend the process by more than 2-3 years. You can pretend for about 2 years, no more, then the man will get tired of playing the role, especially if communication occurs frequently, but there is no rapprochement.

If he was pretending or wanted you use- You will see sudden change behavior and attitude towards you. He will tell you that there are no feelings, or they are over, he will begin to suggest an open relationship, or you will see his true face (for example, outbursts of anger, selfishness, manipulative thinking, cheeky behavior, flirting with other women, or even worse - lies and promiscuity, like lifestyle). You assume that a man must prove the seriousness of his intentions obvious actions and significant actions that are clear and obvious not only to you, but also to your friends and close relatives.

If you need additional information on this topic, we have, the program of which covers various options a man's behavior is given key features assessments seriousness of a man's intentions in relationships.

Are you in a difficult situation? life situation? Get a free and anonymous consultation with a psychologist on our website or ask your question in the comments.

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20 thoughts on “ How to assess the seriousness of a man's intentions in a relationship with me?”

1. Olga

   But I would like to ask you to explain why women who help a man reach new level income/status, quit. Shouldn't a man be grateful and glad that his woman helped him? On the contrary, it seems to me that he should love and appreciate her even more. “Should”, I mean according to the logic of the development of this story.

   • Olesya Frantsyna

     Olga, the whole point is that it is impossible to earn love. When a person is valuable because he is useful, we're talking about not about love, but about functional usefulness and deserving of love. Love is based, first of all, on emotional closeness between people, when the person himself is dear and valuable, and not how useful he is for achieving goals. When a person is a means to an end, he ceases to be valuable once the end is achieved. For example, when you come to a cosmetologist, fitness trainer, or psychologist, you appreciate their work, but part with them when they have completed their work and you have achieved your desired goal. Because your relationship is built on functional utility. The same thing happens in relationships if they are built not on love, but on benefit, convenience, and usefulness. When we talk about mature relationship between a man and a woman, we say that they are in the form of a partnership. Those. relationships between two adults who are capable of independently solving their problems and taking care of their well-being. Harmonious relationships are built on the basis of a mutual desire to be together because it is good, interesting, pleasant, etc., and not because it is profitable and convenient.

     When you say that a man should love a woman even more if she helped him reach a new level of income and status, you are talking about functional utility: “Love me because I bring you such great benefit,” but utility is valued feel gratitude, but do not love. In addition, if a woman devotes most of her time to caring for the well-being of a man, she is acting like a mother. And this also significantly affects the relationship between a man and a woman. A man can indeed feel gratitude for help, as he feels gratitude towards his mother, but not desire this woman, because such feelings for a mother are unnatural.

     It is important to separate the concepts of “help” and “support” here, because active help will refer to functional usefulness, and support will refer to emotional closeness. In a situation where both a man and a woman are engaged in their own development and support each other, they build equal relationships, partnerships and mature ones. They are interested in developing next to each other, achieving their goals, being proud of each other, admiring each other, and being support for each other. This is what they look like harmonious relationships. While the desire to solve a partner’s problems and devote one’s life to achieving his goals speaks of sacrifice and functional usefulness. In the answer to the question we are talking specifically about the functional utility of a woman, when she is a function for a man, a means to achieve his goals, some useful at this stage life resource.

     • Olga

       Olesya, of course, Thanks a lot for detailed explanation. I didn't know this.

     • Olga

       I understand your explanation, Olesya. But people in pairs develop each other - they give each other books that were useful to them, teach each other their hobbies, interests, give each other feedback, what they lack in the relationship, what can be improved/corrected. A man can buy a car for his family, repair it, maintain it, while a woman cooks and chooses places to spend time (theater, travel). The man assembles or even makes furniture, and the woman does the interior design. Isn't this useful? All the same, we are useful to each other to one degree or another. This refers to the “giving” side. Isn't it? I understand what it is various kinds usefulness - giving a book or getting a job. But a completely “useless” person who only eats and watches TV, why do I need him in a relationship?)) I will choose a “useful” person, interesting, who will help open up new horizons in life.

     • Olga

       And I also think, Olesya, that for the act of relationship that you described, both of you really need to be a mature and healthy person. Because being together because it is good and pleasant to be together is the only thing healthy people can do, as I understand it. Those who are not healthy need submission and humiliation, worship, human resources, so they are together and will be with someone for this reason.

       • Olesya Frantsyna

         Olga, you are right! Psychologists generally work with mentally healthy people who, nevertheless, have different psychological difficulties. And anyone can learn how to build harmonious and mature relationships, because it is a skill that can be mastered. Or rather, a set of skills. If you are interested in this topic and we can help you develop these skills, please contact us! It must be said that in general, both always participate in relationships, and both influence them, even if it seems otherwise. Therefore, both maintain the relationship exactly as it is. Those. if a woman (or man) is not satisfied with something, but she (he) agrees to it, then this is the contribution that she (he) makes to this relationship and to what it is. Sometimes people don't realize how important their contributions are and how much they can influence the quality of relationships. The point is that by working with a psychologist, you can identify your ineffective strategies for building relationships and find new ways of behavior that will lead you to desired results: improved emotional well-being (and, as a result, physical well-being), personal effectiveness and a feeling of happiness and satisfaction with relationships and life in general.

         Yes, Olesya Valerievna, that’s right! I also want to add to the above so that our readers do not have any confusion between the concepts of mental health at the organic and cognitive levels.

         Neuroses are classified according to ICD-10 ( international classification diseases of the tenth revision) to group F65, i.e. To mental illness. In the psychiatric funnel of symptoms, they belong to the third level of the system of psychopathological symptoms and syndromes. But it is very important to understand that with neuroses a person thinks and reacts emotionally like crazy (sounds harsh, but this is the unpleasant truth), and there are no organic brain disorders with neuroses. This is why they say about neurotics that they are healthy, only they have problems that need to be worked on. After all, with neuroses there are no biochemical metabolic disorders in the brain, as happens with mental lesions of the fourth and deeper levels. This means that with neuroses there are no organic disturbances in the functioning of the brain, and there is no basis for having a pathology of thinking. But the work of thought in neurotics is certainly disturbed in the most severe way, not for organic reasons, but because of incorrect teaching of the way of thinking in the family.

         A neurotic personality is formed in families where relatives reproduce the behavior patterns of psychopaths and other “severe incurable diagnoses.” A neurotic person adopts the way of thinking of people with severe organic mental disorders, learns to survive next to them, being organically healthy in terms of brain biochemistry. A neurotic is capable of experiencing moral feelings, capable of emotional intimacy and healthy shapes sexual behavior if shown to him correct models thinking and behavior. Neuroses can be overcome by “retraining,” which is why talking with a psychologist and studying the psychologist’s explanations help.

         The problems of a neurotic personality come down to the fact that initially a person receives incorrect knowledge about ways to satisfy emotional and sexual needs, about how to build your life and what meanings are put into abstract words, “love”, “happiness”, “kindness” and so on. That is why the behavior of a victim who seeks love through helpfulness and an unconsciously sadistic attitude towards himself is interpreted not as a compulsive neurotic desire for approval, but as “to help a loved one achieve success.” Do you get the idea?

         The most important thing that I would like to convey to readers is that it is not healthy models thinking that is taken for granted back in early childhood, will not lead to any good. IN best case scenario, the habit of imitating organic patients will lead to nervous breakdown and separation of neuroses when the external situation requires the use of effective strategies that are not in the arsenal of the individual. At worst - to the point of playing the subconscious life scenario a loser and chronic senseless suffering and complaints about a life “not lived well.”

         And it’s also important. In the department of neuroses, no one will spend time on long-term work for many years and explain to a neurotic hour after hour in detail how to think differently so that his feelings and actions lead to successful result, and not to failure and suffering. A maximum of four hours of psychotherapy per month will be allocated, which is a drop in the bucket compared to what is needed to change thinking in neuroses. The state does not have a budget for non-medical psychotherapy of neuroses, which is carried out by a psychologist. The state is only concerned with the restoration of minimal working capacity after a nervous breakdown of a neurotic person. They gave meds and tore up the pathological conditioned reflex, sadness and anxiety have decreased, sleep has improved, I can go to work, and that’s great. Improving the quality of personal and financial side life, personal professional success, developed children, improved logic of thinking and systematic lifestyle planning - all this is left to the discretion of neurotic individuals. If you want more, please go to psychologists, but at your own expense. And the most offensive thing about this is that neurotic individuals are not even informed about this possibility. They don’t even realize how seriously their thinking is impaired, and that they can train their thinking, change it and live a different quality of life.

         To remain silent about the possibilities of personal non-medical psychotherapy and leave a traumatized person without a chance for improvement is very unfair to the neurotic person. How can you desire something that you have no idea about and have never heard of? Therefore, by offering courses for accelerated personality development, we want to correct this glaring injustice and give every neurotic person the right to choose: improve the quality of their thinking or consciously leave everything as it is.

         Therefore, when they say that psychologists work with healthy people, it is important to understand that we are talking about the absence of organic mental disorders, the absence of a state of decompensation and the absence of personality adaptation disorder that require medical care. There are cognitive disorders of the psyche in neuroses.

         Outside the department of neuroses, in a state of compensation and adaptation, a psychologist can help work out cognitive, i.e., mental disorders related to the way of thinking. You can relearn the correct patterns of thinking, reacting and behavior in sessions with a psychologist. The path to changing harmful thinking patterns into logical and useful ones is called accelerated personality development, i.e. personal psychotherapy. Every neurotic can follow this path and change his thinking so as to imitate healthy people. By reinforcing and repeating healthy patterns and strategies, the neurotic gradually moves from a version of himself with severe cognitive impairment to a version of himself that causes the most pleasant feelings and admiration. This is possible for everyone! Don't be afraid of anything, follow this path and everything will work out for you! Fear is just an emotion that dissolves if observed from the position of the true Self. The position of the Winner in an open-ended scenario differs from the position of the Loser only in the number of new strategies, methods, methods of achieving the goal, known and applied in practice, coupled with the indispensable observance of moral principles . Constantly learn new ways of thinking in order to gradually expand the real possibilities of your personality in real life. It works and will lead you to inevitable success. Each of you will be able to develop yourself and improve the quality of your thinking by orders of magnitude with the help of personal growth technologies. Go for it!

2. Oksana

   Olga, with your permission, I can tell you two reasons for this: reason one. Woman helping a man achieve good status And high income, begins to give a lot, but take nothing or take minimally! And in relationships between adults, the balance of “give and take” is very important! You only need to give a LITTLE more than you receive! When this balance is disturbed, the relationship becomes cool. And then, completely, the side that mostly took, but gave nothing or little in return, begins, oddly enough, to either hate its benefactor (the notorious Karpman Triangle, where a woman acted as the Savior, and then her role shifted to the role of the Victim) . Reason two. Often, a woman, helping a man achieve heights, forgets about herself. That is, he doesn’t do his own thing personal development. For example, he invests all or almost all his money so that his husband can learn additionally somewhere, for example, in courses foreign language, but forgets about herself, about the fact that it is important for her not to lose the acquired knowledge, skills, abilities, but also to acquire new ones. Develop TOGETHER with a man, do not stop there. Such a woman very often becomes uninteresting to a man who has achieved a lot in life! In general, according to the rules family system, it is optimal if the spouses have at least an approximately equal position and it persists throughout life. That is, so that a man does not ungratefully abandon the woman who helped him achieve heights, it is important, firstly, to be able to take and give in approximately the same way and not to forget about yourself, about your development! But the most important thing: to be able to understand people, to understand who is a psychopath (you definitely shouldn’t be like them :)), who is neurotic, and who is a harmonious, authentic person, and can be grateful for the support!
   To the question that “a man should be grateful,” I can say this: no one owes anyone anything! And it’s strange to feel gratitude based on the principle of obligation! There is one very good exercise to end a relationship (taken from constellation techniques): when ending a relationship with a man, we come to the “training”, choose his deputy, and tell him the following words: “Everything I gave you (help, support...), I gave with love!” Of course, this is an excerpt from the entire phrase, but, nevertheless, it helps not to wait for gratitude, but to calmly let the person go if he wants to leave! And remember, love cannot be won by helping! And she will NOT grow up feeling grateful!

3. Oksana

   Thank you!!!

4. Oksana

   Thanks for kind words! In my opinion, it is worth noting the following: you can offer your help to a man, but give him the right not to use it! For example, say the following: “Darling, is there anything I can help you with?” If the man does not refuse, then it is appropriate to ask how EXACTLY you can help? If this is voiced and it does not burden you, then it is quite possible to say that you will help! And, accordingly, provide assistance. But we remember the rule that help is not a complete shift of responsibility for the result, but 1-5%! By the way, if a man says that he wants to solve all the problems himself, then accept that too! But in both cases, it makes sense to provide some kind of moral support, for example, to say: I believe, I know that you can handle it! After all, you have already had success in this!” Then treat them to a delicious dinner and offer to watch your favorite movie together! By the way, this is also help! Just don’t forget to ask for yourself and thank for the services provided!
   Well, in general, about help with business. In my opinion, it’s good when spouses or just a couple have affairs that are similar in “character”, but have their own specifics! Then there will be no competition, and both will help each other do their things! Thank you all again for your kind words!!!

Every woman sooner or later begins to dream of a wedding with her loved one, chooses the names of her future children, and thinks about a happy life together. But not receiving reciprocal interest from her partner, she begins to think<<А серьёзны ли его намерения по отношению ко мне?>>.

After all, you don’t want to be deceived or waste time on meaningless expectations... And in this case, the good old principle “forewarned is forearmed!” works)

So, I will describe the signs of a frivolous relationship. And if you notice that any of them is inherent in your man, I ask you not to make hasty conclusions. But if there are more than 3 signs, this is a reason to think: are his intentions really serious?

Sign 1.
If he is in no hurry to introduce you to his friends. A man who experiences tender, tremulous feelings will not hide his chosen one from close friends.

Sign 2.
Not introducing him to his parents is not always a sign of a man’s frivolity. It all depends on the situation in his family. If there are trusting and warm relations, you can learn about this from your lover’s stories, then most likely your man’s intentions are not serious. If family relationships are tense (unhealthy psychological situation, mother’s jealousy, father’s pickiness, etc.), then most likely the man values ​​your relationship, protecting it from gossip and discussion from his loved ones.

Sign 3.
A man has frivolous intentions if, during joint outings, he withdraws, rarely looks at you, his eyes constantly dart, as if looking for something to grab onto, and... he pays a lot of attention to other women. Most likely he is bored with you and your presence next to him is a burden to him.

Sign 4.
Drinks alcohol at every meeting. Often people try to compensate for their insecurities with the help of alcohol, and if after drinking alcohol he begins to show open sympathy and insist on continuing the evening at his house, do not be naive, do not believe his words. If your young man is confident in himself, but nevertheless drinks on every date, there is a high probability that the man next to you is a holiday - he wants to have fun and is only ready for a non-binding relationship.

Sign 5.
Rare meetings and calls. A loving man always “keeps his finger on the pulse” of your relationship and is ready to call every day and spend at least 2 times a week with the woman he loves. If a man suddenly disappears, practically does not call due to the supposed constant lack of time, and meetings with him are rare, sudden and fleeting, most likely he is married, or he has many women’s names in his address book, and he is playing “harem” with you. .

Sign 6.
If a man scolds his exes and treats other women rudely in your presence, be it staff in a cafe, supermarket, or just his colleagues and acquaintances, do not think that with your appearance in his life he will change. Even if now he is very considerate and communicates nicely with you, soon his disrespect for female will come up in a petty quarrel.

Sign 7.
If a man says that you need to change something in your appearance, criticizes your figure, then oh sincere love there is no question here. When we love, we completely accept a person without trying to change him. After all, love is a union of souls, and if your relationship is based only on sexual interest, then it will not last long.

Sign 8.
You should be wary of the fact if a man asks you to borrow a certain amount of money. Men, by their nature, don’t really like to ask for advice and help, especially from a woman. Don’t believe in the sentimental stories that we so often fall for, because you don’t need gigolos, right?

Sign 9.
If a man is in no hurry to share his future with you, then do not rush to make plans for a joint relationship with him. happy life. Although, keep in mind that your chosen one has negative beliefs about family life(health problems, previous marriage was unsuccessful bad memories since childhood, etc.)

Sign 10.
If a man is not in a hurry to help you, and only you invite him on dates, then he is clearly not serious. A man’s maturity and his desire to build harmonious relationships are manifested in his active position towards his woman. This can be seen from his willingness to pursue you: call you on dates, organize leisure time, offer help if a problem arises and, in the end, take responsibility for you and your life together.

Describing the signs of a frivolous attitude, I pointed out first of all those that would a priori be a waste of time for our readers. After all, a partner’s serious intentions can arise only after he realizes how much his relationship with you is dear to him.

Love to you, my dear ones, your Alisa Metelina.