After the wedding, when the courtship is over, the man returns to his usual way of life. At this time, the woman is faced with the problem: “My husband is selfish!” Male egoism can destroy relationships and bring disappointment and resentment into a woman’s life. So what is he really like, a man - an egoist? What is its nature and psychology? Is it possible to eradicate selfishness from a man and make the relationship happy? You will find answers to these questions in this article.

Signs of a selfish man

An egoist is a person who puts his own interests above others. This is the person who forces the people around him to fulfill his needs.

It is important for a woman to understand what selfishness really is. Examples from practical psychology:

1. A girl comes and says: “my husband is an egoist.” And, according to the girl, her husband’s selfishness is manifested in the fact that once a month he gets up in the morning and goes fishing to take a break from the noisy city and emotionally unload.It is quite strange that in this situation the man is characterized as an egoist. The question arises: who is here and at the expense of whom satisfies their needs? A man who wants to relax at the expense of his resources, or a girl who satisfies her needs for attention at the expense of a man?
2. Another situation. The girl wants to change her profession and move further up the career ladder, but the man tells her: “First of all, you must fulfill my needs for food and clean housing. Your career is secondary." This behavior of a man is real selfishness.

So are there signs of male egoism?

First of all, these are ultimatum demands. When a partner in this case a man makes demands on a woman that she satisfy his needs immediately and leave her own for later. For example, a man says: “Make me lunch first, and then go about your business.” Again, you always need to consider the context of the situation.

If a woman is not busy at the moment, then the man can ask her to prioritize in that order. But if a woman is in a hurry, and a man makes demands on her to satisfy his own needs for food, then this is selfishness. Accordingly, if a man constantly makes demands on a woman aimed at him and always puts the woman’s interests in the background, we can say with confidence that this man is an egoist.

Reasons for selfishness

The reason for selfishness lies in upbringing. Most likely, in childhood, the mother was too protective of her son, giving him everything he wanted and not demanding anything in return.

If this is so, it is almost impossible to re-educate such a man. The formation of personality has already taken place long ago, and no one wants to voluntarily give up an easy life and permissiveness.

Another reason for a man becoming an egoist could be your behavior, when from the first minutes of meeting a man was allowed to sit on a woman’s neck. This became his habit and became a matter of course. A selfish husband should be re-educated gradually so that he does not think that he has stopped being loved.

Is it worth living with a selfish man?

The first thought of a woman faced with her husband’s selfishness is the thought of divorce. However, this is not the best idea, since all men are selfish to some extent. By breaking off a relationship with one, you can get the same result with another man.

Before you decide to divorce, you should carefully assess the degree of criticality of the situation and reconsider your own demands on your husband (if they are too high, and you are used to being indulged by everyone, then a relationship with a mature person may indeed seem like selfishness on his part, although in this case it is more likely your own egoism takes place).

Consider the difference in the psychology of how a man and a woman perceive a situation, as well as the fact that the husband does not have telepathy. Therefore, the option of establishing contact and trying to tell your husband about your desires and expectations can work, turning him from an egoist into a caring spouse

Only mutual discussion of the problem with your husband can lead to a positive result!

How to live with a selfish husband

If your husband is lazy and selfish, but you still love him, then you should reconsider your attitude towards life, yourself and the requirements in a relationship.

Improve yourself

If we proceed from the fact that people meet along the path of life to learn a lesson and gain experience, then from the selfish behavior of your spouse you can organize a self-improvement practice for yourself, instead of constantly complaining to your friends about your husband.

Try to develop in a field where you can receive praise and achieve various achievements. This is necessary to make your life morally easier, since primacy in family stories will have to be ceded to your husband, and you will have to come to terms with this. Selfish people value themselves and their work very much, so when communicating with friends, your husband will praise himself and downplay your merits. To avoid a critical decline in self-esteem, provide yourself with places and people where you can get a real positive assessment of your talents.

Love yourself

The first thing life with an egoist can teach is self-love. After all, when you complain about your husband’s selfishness, you want more help and participation, care and rest. So arrange them for yourself!

Take care of your body and get a massage instead of cleaning your apartment alone. In order not to adapt to his vacation, buy yourself a ticket to a place where you have long wanted to visit. When people see how others appreciate and pamper themselves, they also want to do the same for you. And when a person constantly complains, is always busy with business and worries, people just want to move away.

Allow yourself to rest

If a man does nothing around the house, and this makes you very nervous, then this is a reason to reflect on your own desires and prohibitions. What irritates us most about other people is their fulfillment of your own suppressed desires. So why not let them come true?

No one has ever died from a mess. What if this condition lasts for several weeks? Maybe. your spouse will wise up and start cleaning. The division of household responsibilities helps to normalize relationships very well - you unload yourself by doing only your own part, and do not touch his part.

The main task of such therapy for the boundaries of personality and responsibility will not be to force the other to fulfill his part of the contract, but simply to be silently responsible for the fulfillment of his duties. If it doesn’t work out in silence, and lying down and enjoying idleness together is problematic, when your soul yearns to tell an adult man what to do and demand strict compliance with what was said, then perhaps the problem lies not in his selfishness, but in your desire for control and dictatorship.

Learn to live together

Attempts to change a person do not lead to the desired goal - with strong pressure, you will ruin your relationship with your husband, and in other options, achievements will be far from the intended plan. Your task is to learn to live together, try to accept his characteristics, and if this is impossible, then get a divorce.

Learning to live together does not mean adapting to the desires of an egoist and playing the role of a goldfish. On the contrary, you need to firmly hold your own boundaries, learn not to indulge his behavior and defend your own free time, desires and needs.

This kind of work requires a lot of mental investment. After all, you need not to make a scandal and not pour out a sea of ​​discontent mixed with insults on your husband, but to remain calm and impartial. In addition to constantly monitoring your own positions (a husband who is accustomed only to the fulfillment of his desires will constantly test your compliance), you will have to face your own personal maturation.

Selfishness in bed

It happens that a husband shows care and attention to his wife. He can deny himself many things, but he manifests himself as an egoist in the intimate sphere. Having barely received pleasure in bed, he turns away with a clear conscience and falls asleep.

And in this case, of course, a frank conversation will help you. After all, if you don’t talk to a man about his own desires, he definitely won’t read your thoughts.

You can also use some techniques:

• Getting involved in a love game, seizing the initiative - this will interest your husband, and he will not want to finish the process faster
• Refuse to imitate an orgasm so that your spouse does not think that you already had a good time
• In bed, don’t think about problems so that your partner is convinced of the sincerity of your feelings and sensations. After all, if a woman treats sex as a physical need, there is no point in accusing her husband of selfishness

What to do if your husband is selfish only in bed? Become loving and liberated if you want positive change. Try not to deny your husband sex, citing a headache, otherwise, if the answer is positive, after a week the spouse will again try to fulfill his duties as quickly as possible - and will again become selfish.

It is worth taking into account the differences in physiological processes, when a woman takes longer to become aroused than a man. In addition, representatives of the opposite sexes have different expectations from intimacy: men chase quantity, while women value quality.

The problem of how to re-educate an egoist husband is typical for women who have been married for a long time and strive to save the family. When the first decision to be patient and try to get used to the behavior of a selfish husband does not work, then after years of such a relationship the woman becomes absolutely unhappy. Being in a relationship with an egoist, a woman's self-esteem drops. A previously bright and confident lady turns into a downtrodden gray mouse, and her own desires are suppressed for the sake of fulfilling those of others.

Be patient

The problem is that after living like this for a long time, it is quite difficult to change an established way of life and it does not happen overnight. Women who expect an instant change after the first conversation or scandal with their husband find themselves in the same situation the next day. Egoists hate scandals and other people's demands, so such tactics will only strengthen the husband's resistance, which is typical for an established adult who has lived his whole life in a familiar way. It is necessary to act in this situation not with scandals, but with time and a careful shift in emphasis.

In order to get off the ground, you will need patience and perseverance. It's better to start small. Start with one manifestation of selfishness. For example, if he interrupts you, then speak and focus on the interruption, without allowing him to carry out his usual scenario.

You will have to repeat it many times and hear your position being devalued many times, but you should not indulge in arguments. Just continue to confidently demand attention to the designated moment, and if your husband demands an explanation, then you can directly talk about your own feelings when he does this. It is important not to criticize him or tell him what to do, but to talk only about your feelings at this moment.

Start small

Try asking him to do things that benefit both of you or just you. You shouldn't do this every day. To begin with, a couple of times a month will be enough, and then you can try more often. Make sure that the request is not an order, but speaks of your pleasure if fulfilled, but does not oblige you to fulfill it.

Most likely, the first few calls will not change anything. There is no need to make a quarrel out of this and remind you of an unfulfilled request. Try asking for something else. It is also difficult for an egoist to adapt to fulfilling other people's desires. Help him with this with clear formulations. Ask for dinner or tea, a trip to nature or to pick you up from work - he must understand what exactly you expect from him.

Take care of yourself

While you slowly change the pattern of interaction with your own husband, take care of yourself. Raise your self-esteem and restore your ability to feel your desires. To do this, you can start meeting with friends and taking a vacation. Any work with the body (yoga, massage, swimming) also helps restore sensitivity to your needs.

Solve issues together

The habit of resolving all issues on your own will have to be eradicated from yourself, replacing them from personal to general, that is, when the solution to the issue will directly affect the comfort of your husband. At first it will take a lot of time, and the desire to quickly do everything yourself will begin to appear more and more often. But once you give in, you run the risk of continuing to decide everything alone. The egoist needs to be constantly explained why his participation is absolutely necessary and why this is not only your problem. Moreover, this must be done every time, because having noticed that you are coping without him, he will no longer participate in solving problems and will go to please his loved one.

Praise the egoist

It is imperative to praise an egoist. This is the energy engine with which he is able to move mountains. When your husband was the first to help you or fulfill your request, then do not skimp on pleasant words, and next time he will try again. Egoists' love for praise is as strong as their hatred of scandals and criticism. Only the first brings you closer to the desired type of relationship, while the second takes you infinitely further away.

If praise does not help, and you are constantly under pressure from your husband, then set aside time for yourself when you will be apart. You can walk alone in the park for two hours or go to a friend’s house for the weekend. The main thing is that you have time to restore the mental strength that your spouse has undermined. Over time, he will trace the dependence of your departures, and since egoists need spectators and fulfillers of their desires, it is likely that he will reconsider his behavior towards you.

Love and harmony are possible in a family if you figure out how to live with an egoist husband. It is necessary to create comfortable conditions for the spouse so that he cannot imagine his own life without such a wonderful wife.

A little correction in behavior - and he will begin to take into account your desires. The only prohibitions will be quarrels, scandals and reproaches - an egoist will not tolerate such an attitude. In the absence of pressure and gentle influence, after some time the former egoist can become pliable plasticine in skillful female hands.

Video: If your husband is selfish what to do

Living with a selfish man is not easy. And sometimes it’s just unbearable. You can, for example, simply accept a person as he is. Or you can train a man to be a little selfish. The main thing is to understand what type of egoist he is. The following advice from a psychologist will help you with this.

A man is selfish in a relationship with a woman:

how to recognize?

An egoistic man always catches your eye - he is well-groomed, clean-shaven, goes to the gym, his clothes are ironed. Plus, a good job, friends and extensive connections. Why not a candidate for a husband?! Only later do your eyes open and disappointment sets in... From the dryness of a loved one, from lack of attention... An egoist rarely gives flowers and gifts, and may simply forget about a wedding anniversary or your birthday. And he really thinks that there is no need for unnecessary attention. He is the center of the universe, he is a gift for you if he allows you to be nearby.

When your nerves give out and your patience to live with a narcissistic person has run out, but the love has not passed, you urgently need to save the relationship.

Having lived with an egoist for some time, you are probably convinced that it is impossible to rehabilitate a person. However, don’t give up—something can be done. It all depends on the characteristics of your man’s egoism.

• In love with myself. Oh, how he loves himself! She loves her face, loves her body, considers herself ideal. He stands in front of the mirror for hours, often goes to an expensive hairdresser, and buys expensive clothes. He smears his face with cream and uses expensive eau de toilette. For such a man, it is very important to periodically hear compliments from you about his stunning appearance, but if you mention the shortcomings of his appearance, you will deeply offend him. What to do, you ask, how to establish family harmony and? Learn to love yourself as much as your husband. Pay more attention to yourself and your appearance, take care and cherish yourself. Take care of your skin, go to beauty salons. Explain to your husband who is selfish in a relationship that next to such a handsome man there must be a luxurious woman, so he should think about additional income and a new fur coat for you.
• Doesn't do anything at home. He is a breadwinner, he works and earns money. That says it all. And housework should be done by a woman. And it doesn’t matter that she also works and earns the same amount. Her job is not that important. And she’s not as tired as he is. Such beliefs allow such an egoist man to calmly lie on the sofa, looking at burnt out light bulbs and missing nails. How to negotiate? Change your habits - stop doing men's work. And never make a scandal or throw a tantrum. There are just a few times when you may not have time to cook dinner because a light bulb in the kitchen has burned out. Or the traffic jams came out. Well, don’t forget to praise your other half, tell him what a great owner he is and how well everything works out for him.
• Selfish in small things. The most delicious piece, the sweetest cake. And in the subway or on the bus, the first one will sit in the vacant seat. All the best for yourself. And it is not surprising that the wife of such a man suffers from lack of attention in the relationship. The most surprising thing is that such a person himself may not understand that he needs to live differently. It's all due to upbringing. His family loved him very much and always gave him the best. How can I change this? Make him feel guilty when he did something wrong. And as soon as your husband begins to improve, do not forget about praise. Evaluate his actions - after all, he is ready to change for your sake!
• An inveterate egoist. If your man extremely limits your funds, although he does not deny himself anything, this is a reason to think. Also be wary if when you are alone, he thinks only of himself and immediately falls asleep. Or if he likes to boast about your merits to his relatives, passing them off as his own. What to do? Do not feed yourself vain hopes - this man is incorrigible. And you have only two options - break off the relationship or accept the situation. If you have children or are financially dependent on this man, in this case, according to psychologists, it is better to save the family. If you prefer independence, in this case, let your selfish man make someone else unhappy, not you.

If after reading the article you are convinced that your man is selfish, do not try to reach him with words or hysterics. Egoists, as a rule, hear only themselves. Make the decision yourself and do what you need, having thought it through thoroughly beforehand. Well, a psychologist will tell you how to communicate with an egoist.

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My son is a terrible egoist, incapable of doing anything for others, which he cannot and does not want to ask, he says - solve your problems yourself! Moreover, he believes that everyone should help him! Sometimes it seems to me that he doesn’t even want to do something small for his loved ones. But he doesn’t understand this! I don’t know how to behave with him!! The boy is already 28 years old, lives with us, works, earns good money, but doesn’t give money to the family, doesn’t think it’s necessary! (He explains that he needs it for business development, for a new car, etc.). But it takes great!! Greedy for money terribly! I don’t know, maybe this is a disease and I’m not communicating with him correctly?

Answers and advice from psychologists

Psychologist-hypnologist

Psychotherapist - hypnologist. I have been running a private practice since 2007. I base my work on the systemic phenomenological method, neuro-linguistic programming techniques, and hypnosis. I pay attention to your individual characteristics, and depending on this, I use one or another psychotherapeutic technique, often this happens - the integration of techniques. Which gives an excellent result of our joint work. You will discover yourself from a new, perhaps hitherto unknown, side. Let go of the heavy stuff. Get good live energy. You will feel new desires for life. Everything will be fine. We can conduct consultations either in writing or via video or audio broadcast. I will work with you until the result is achieved.

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Anna, hello!

I will say, perhaps, not very pleasant and expected things for you. Your son is YOUR son. He didn’t fall into your family from some other planet, did he?! It “consists” of what it was molded from. His behavior is a reflection of your family. That is, this is the appearance of the one who sculpted and how he sculpted. And that's the first thing. Your parenting mistake number one.

And the second is that for some reason, which again needs to be clarified with you personally, you have not developed a trusting relationship. Why do you not know exactly how your son lives, what he thinks about, and what causes his such detachment? You fantasize about his selfishness, transferring your idea of ​​this to your son. This is mistake number two.

Third, by focusing on your son’s greed, you thereby show your projections in this matter, possibly related to your husband. This is mistake number three.

Anna, so, you have a good reason to work very closely with a psychologist to understand your mistakes in the matter of your relationship with your son. Come to the website to your personal account. Sign up for a consultation. Consultation is free of charge. There will be a result.

Sincerely, Elena Suslova.

This is not a disease, it’s just so-called freeloading and spoiling. I would advise you to move the “baby” out and let him live on his own.

Psychologist, Gestalt therapist, online consultant

Practical psychologist-consultant, gestalt therapist. I specialize in interpersonal relationships in the family, team, and society. I can help overcome fear, uncertainty, complexes; sort out feelings, experience negative moments - divorce, loss, trauma; understand yourself, change your life for the better once and for all. I work both in person and via Skype.

Your husband doesn’t ask how you are doing at work, doesn’t remember the date you met, doesn’t notice your new hairstyle... Yes, he only thinks about himself! He also throws things around and never washes the dishes after himself, as if you are a housekeeper who is obliged to clean up after him. Egoist!

Stop! Don't confuse the concepts. Sloppiness, forgetfulness, inattention to detail - all this does not mean boundless selfishness. Don't accuse a man of being selfish if he cares about you and shows compassion for people. If all his feelings and thoughts are directed only at himself, this is a different conversation.

Ordinary self-lover

The so-called healthy egoism is inherent in all of us. If you do not suffer from victim syndrome, you will find signs of it in yourself. But as research shows, among the stronger sex, selfish people are more common.
A man susceptible to moderate egoism may seem like a good-natured, merry fellow. But his distinctive feature is his emphasized narcissism. Whatever he does (bring groceries, hammer a nail), he expects admiration and recognition of his merits. Of course, you are offended by his attitude: he takes any troubles around his own person for granted and, it seems, does not feel gratitude to his wife. His poor health is always more serious than your illness, and any of his nonsense activities are more important than family matters.

Re-educating a life partner is difficult, but it is possible. And you should start... with yourself! Often, men's egoism is cultivated by women, shouldering all matters and concerns.

You need to learn The main rule: you cannot give up your own interests and principles! Your husband is an adult and independent person, and you can easily share household responsibilities and solve problems that arise together.

Learn to talk about what doesn't suit you. But at the same time, avoid accusations and pretentious tone.

And don’t try: confident in his irresistibility, he believes that he will not be left alone. Get your way with praise! Approve of his actions more often, especially in the presence of friends and family. And the man will try to do as much as possible for you!

Rare specimen

You can find an approach to a weakly expressed egoist. If you fall in love with a man who doesn’t think about anyone but himself, then everything is more complicated. His egoism is pronounced: he does not tolerate criticism, gets irritated upon hearing any request, violently imposes his opinion on everyone and makes unreasonable claims. In marriage, the main thing for him is comfort, stability and the opportunity to solve his own problems at the expense of his partner.

What should you do? Either accept it, leave him, or fight for your love. If next to him he sees a confident, independent, admirable woman, he will not want to lose her!

About 42% of marriages break up due to the psychological unpreparedness of the spouses for life together. This is the inability or unwillingness to understand a loved one, to meet him halfway, sacrificing his own interests. Most unions would if the partners began to listen to each other.

The problem of “getting married successfully” has been solved, but behind it, an equally complex situation called “my husband-egoist" The man quickly realizes that after the wedding banquet the period of feigned gallantry is officially over, and confidently returns to his usual selfishness.

Such a husband, without any remorse, will be the first to take the bathroom, even if he knows that his wife is late, will finish the last candy from the bowl, and is also unlikely to let him go ahead in the elevator.

There is only one justification for choosing an egoist - all women are confident that after marriage they will be able to rehabilitate their wayward spouse. The veil of love obscures the eyes, and clear signs of inappropriate behavior by a man become increasingly difficult to notice. Yes, sooner or later the situation opens up in all its glory, and then you have to fight the unshakable male nature. But before you begin a comprehensive impact, understand the motives for the actions of your “domestic” egoist.

Reasons for your man's selfish behavior

The root cause of this behavior always lies in childhood. Most likely, your husband has always been a real “mama’s boy”: mom gave all of herself and did not demand anything in return for the sake of the happiness of her beloved child. And if everything really happened like that, re-education will be very difficult, and may not give any results at all. The general formation of personality is completed at the age of 16, and if this same “personality” always got what she wanted and lived in permissiveness, it will be quite difficult for her to give up benefits and learn to give.

The second reason for a husband's selfishness is his wife's behavior. You placed it comfortably on your neck on your own, then why are you complaining now? Fortunately, this situation can still be changed, but everything will have to be done gradually so that your spouse does not perceive the change in your behavior as proof that he has fallen out of love, and does not go looking for a more understanding woman on the side.

Types of selfish husbands

Before answering the question " Selfish husband - what to do? We should take a closer look at the classification of domestic egoists.