Hello! I’m over 30, and I’ve had a problem for many years - I can’t find a common language with my mother. She is over 50, already retired, her second child is disabled, she has not worked almost all her life, she takes care of him - feeds him, washes him, etc. I work and pay utilities and food for everyone. She spends her small pension only on herself and often reproaches me that she had to spend something to buy something for her relatives. For large purchases (winter clothes, shoes, doing something for the house, buying something), I insist that, if possible, we make an equal financial contribution. She has a long-time fan who sometimes helps with money. But it turns out that I pay for most of it. All my life it seemed to me that I was responsible in the family. She spent everything she ever received, without accumulating anything, even if there was such an opportunity. By nature, I don’t like it when people don’t work, I think it’s laziness, and if I have the means, I expect there to be a reserve for the next step. month also. It's calmer this way. She doesn’t like that I put something off, I don’t give her a lot of money, everything I give immediately goes somewhere for her personal needs, and not for food. I buy everything myself; whenever possible, we go to the store together. Recently (a couple of years) I have become the main breadwinner - she fell out with her admirer, sits at home, takes care of her brother, and minds her own business. Every month she is unhappy if I only give her a couple of thousand for personal expenses, she says that she should have money too. I say that I pay for everyone’s food and utilities, she has a pension for everything else. I help with money for clothes. I don’t hear gratitude or a simple “Thank you”, only reproaches, which is not enough. I hear a squeezed “Thank you” only when I ask for it. I can still put up with quarrels about money, but all my life I have heard mostly nagging from her. It often happens that I’m doing something, but I’m tense, waiting for the next harsh word. I can't relax. I don't have a personal life as such. She was married unsuccessfully - turned out to be a womanizer. A broken heart, hopes, and several years of lack of faith that I would even succeed in this regard and that personal happiness is possible. Now I have begun to recover a little, but there remains some anger at people that the one you love with all your heart can betray. The situation with my mother is tense - she may not talk to me for several days after a quarrel, in the end, after mutual insults (I ask you not to raise your voice at me, and let me make my own decisions, she says that I won’t be able to live on my own - “We’ll see how you can live without me"), it comes to the point that she tells me to rent a separate apartment. By nature, I am afraid of loneliness, and there won’t be enough money if I rent an apartment, and even help her with money, although she says that she doesn’t need anything from me. As a result, there is a feeling of guilt that I am trying to drown out, I cannot help her at all, she is my mother, I love her and wish her all the best, but what to do next - I don’t know how to live together. In constant tension due to reproaches (“I raised you, I gave you my whole life”). Recently I said that I lost my only friend and mother in one person. If there is a big quarrel with her - she is going to leave somewhere or tells me to move out, I begin to experience manifestations of VSD and. I ask her for forgiveness, give her money for clothes, the relationship is leveled out and her health is restored. I understand that the matter is neglected. I would like to improve my personal life, but I just don’t want to be with anyone, I want to be close to someone who is faithful and reliable and will not give up in a difficult situation. I don’t want to live alone, I feel depressed. The question is: how to move on when there is very little hope for a successful personal life, and how to improve relations with your mother? I want more personal space, development, support from loved ones. I think she would be more confident and would receive more respect from everyone (including me) if she worked (she says she doesn’t want to and needs to take care of her brother, although there is time for the small part-time job she did , but she gave up, she has) and there would be no reason to find fault with me over every little thing. Sorry if the presentation turned out to be chaotic, I wanted to cover all sides of the situation. Best regards, Evgenia

Evgenia, hello!
There is, unfortunately, one vicious circle in your history, from which you cannot yet get out. And I understand why. Because there will not be such an ideal solution so that “no one gets hurt,” “there is no quarrel over anything,” and so that “there is no suffering or discomfort.” Alas, any EXIT from your situation will most likely contain both. And you will either have to accept it (and help yourself cope with this discomfort and suffering; this is where a psychologist can help you), or you will have to stay with what you have...

I don’t want to live alone, I feel depressed.

This is where you should “dance” from. As long as you are dependent on your mother, you will not be able to do anything about your relationship with her. As long as you are dependent, she will continue to manipulate you, continuing to use the lever known to her -

"Let's see how you can live without me"

She's sure you can't. Therefore, we can continue to twist your arms - your weak point is known and you can intimidate you with requests to move out ad infinitum. While you are afraid.
The rest follows from this. If you are used to living in dependence, then you are trying to build personal relationships out of dependence. And then it turns out that you will not be able to build any other personal relationships except dependent ones. For a very simple reason - you simply have no experience of independence. Bye. But while he is not there, only men who are one way or another prone to dependent relationships will still get into relationships with you. This could be anyone - alcohol, drug, sex addicts, gambling addicts, or simply infantile men looking for a “mother” in a woman and believing that she, like her mother, will have to accept them with any tricks.
And other men - independent, quite reliable, well aware of what they want from life and ready to seriously lend a shoulder - also need a fairly independent and independent nature nearby. It is important for them that a woman knows how to say “no” in order to understand how to navigate her. But you cannot really refuse - this follows from your description of the relationship with your mother.

You can't (yet) set your boundaries and outline the boundaries of your interaction with your mother (“you can come into my life here, but not here,” etc., and keep this distance, not allowing you to get into your boundaries without your permission). And yes, it would be very difficult for any independent man to put up with a woman’s insufficiently firm boundaries in relation to her own mother. Grown-up men want THEIR family, where both of them have priority - first of all, in their own family, and not in their parents'.

Recently I said that I lost my only friend and mother in one person.

This is also a question of dependence. Why don't you have other friends? Why don’t you try to provide yourself with other social support besides your mother? The fewer steps you take into the world towards other people, the more you depend on your mother and the stronger her manipulations will be.

I want more personal space, development, support from loved ones.

Of course, this is natural. But we need to find these loved ones! And for this it makes sense to take concrete steps.

I think she would be more confident and would receive more respect from everyone (including me) if she worked

But she doesn't want to. And even if you were right in your assumptions, she has her own choice: not to work and not to want to. And you have a choice - to do something about the fact that your mother is like this. For example, you have a choice - to support her or not to support her, to help in one way or another, to what extent, when and how, etc. Perhaps, among other things, she doesn’t work and doesn’t want to because she has you. Why should she work if she will still “knock” out of you what she needs in one way or another?
Actually, your mother is an adult and she is NOT your daughter. You don't have to solve all her problems because you didn't make the decision to bring her into the world. She, as an adult, is responsible for her own life. If her choice is not to work, then she has the right to face the full consequences of it. For example, that there will be no more people in her life who want to provide for her. These are natural consequences of unwillingness to work - haven’t you thought about it?
Read this article, perhaps it will become more clear where the origins of such a dependent state are?

I’m over 30, I can’t find a common language with my mother and there’s no hope for a personal life.

Hello, Anton!

Thank you very much for such a detailed answer. I am sure that there is a way out of every situation :) The main thing is truly human development. Thank you for revealing to me what the problem might be. Indeed, I am prone to dependent relationships. She tried to please her husband, always played “mother”, taking care of him. I'll try to dig in this direction.

Indeed, when a person is independent internally, he will not tolerate being told what to do, will not accept it and will leave such communication. You need to learn to live independently, without seeking approval from others, then you won’t be able to manipulate.

I have already read the article about the relationship between parents and children, thank you! As I understand from your answer and article, you need to accept that your mother (parents) is an adult, with her own weaknesses, and try not to take responsibility for her fate and protect her as an “adult,” an older person. Perhaps it is my behavior that contributes to her such attitude towards me. Perhaps she herself is dependent on the attitude and approval of others.
I really thought what would happen to her if not me. Her parents tell her the same thing. For some reason it hasn't progressed further yet. Perhaps this is a comfort zone - it’s comfortable to live like this, and you don’t want to go further.

I’ll try to find more information on this topic and solve the problem of separating myself as an individual and creating natural personal boundaries.

Sincerely,
Evgenia

I’m over 30, I can’t find a common language with my mother and there’s no hope for a personal life.

Hello, Evgenia!

As I understand from your answer and article, you need to accept that your mother (parents) is an adult, with her own weaknesses, and try not to take responsibility for her fate and protect her as an “adult,” an older person.

You understand everything correctly. Moreover, I have a feeling that you already had this understanding before my answer)) But, probably, sometimes there are things that need to be heard directly, and not just read in an article. Realize that this applies to YOU, and it doesn’t seem to you, let’s say. And that means this story worked out quite well for you and me.

Perhaps it is my behavior that contributes to her such attitude towards me. Perhaps she herself is dependent on the attitude and approval of others.

Of course, dependence is not one-sided. The term “codependent relationships” (more accepted in psychology than simply “dependent relationships”) also contains a depth of meaning - CO-dependent, CO-dependent. In any couple, dependence is always formed by both and both support it (more often, of course, unconsciously). But if one person begins to realize, then this someone can be the first to get out of addiction and help another do the same (again, the other may not be aware, but he will still have to deal with his addiction if this rope will stop holding the first one...)

I’ll try to find more information on this topic and solve the problem of separating myself as an individual and creating natural personal boundaries.

All information is inside you. Only by looking within yourself will you be able to understand what exactly is not allowing you to continue, what exactly is preventing you from starting to build your life, what exactly and why is driving you into depression during a separate life, etc. And it is quite possible to sort all this out, and then take concrete, factual steps.

Mom can swear at me and thinks it’s right. Yes, I’m not an ideal daughter either, I can also raise my voice and be rude, but I don’t always notice it. Everyone in our family is kind of loud, it’s as if it’s passed on at the genetic level. But I will never allow myself to curse my mother! I also often hear from her that I won’t get along with anyone, I won’t get married because of my difficult character, BUT the point is that my mother had 3 husbands and she herself didn’t get along with anyone. I agree that the men there were far from gifts, but why does my mother tell me all this if she herself could not find a worthy man? She can also publicly say that I have the brain of a fifteen-year-old. Even if this is so, then why tell strangers that you have a stupid daughter? And also, when I go somewhere for a walk or to visit, they call me at 9 pm and ask when I will finally come. I always return home at 11 pm at the latest, and then I always call and warn you not to worry. But she still screams and swears, saying that she can hang around as long as she can. And one day I was returning home at about 10 pm, but it was dark outside and I was a little scared, I called and asked my mother to meet me at the entrance, but they shouted at me and said that there was no point in walking in such darkness. Just where is the logic? If she is worried, then it seems to me that it is in her interests to meet me. I’m also preparing to enter a university and go to tutors, and it happens that the tutor keeps me until late, my mother knows about this and I myself ask her to call me so that the tutor understands that it’s time for me to go home. But I can’t always answer the call right away, because... There is an active mental process going on and mom knows this too. But one fine evening, I answered the call for the third time and my mother immediately started screaming, saying how long can I sit there and the like. Naturally, the tutor heard all this and I was very ashamed... because... it was 10 pm, and I was no longer 15 years old, and the tutor also lives a seven-minute walk from my house. In general, these screams and insults bother me very much. I want to talk to her, explain that I am not pleased and that this is not entirely correct, but in the end everything turns into a scandal. And I often want some kind of support from her, because... I’m working for the first year after college and at the same time preparing for admission, I go to tutors in three subjects, for me at my age it’s hard... out of habit... and I don’t have free time. Of course, I am under nervous tension, I want to take a walk and unwind. and all I see is work, tutors and a house with a mother who criticizes me. In general, there are actually a lot of problems, you just can’t write everything here, but I hope that at least someone will help me clarify this situation. I just don’t like tension in the family and in the house, and I don’t want my mother and I to have a terrible relationship later on. In fact, I love her, she is a good woman, interesting, but unfortunately she absolutely does not hear me and does not want to hear me. I’m very offended that she always rushes to extremes... but for some reason I don’t want to tell her anything or trust her.

anonymously

Hello, Svetlana Nikolaevna. I am 19 years old. I cannot find a common language with my mother. She is now 55 years old, I understand that she has formed her own understanding of life. She constantly criticizes my sister and me. We eat the wrong way, we dress the wrong way. She is very economical and swears if I buy myself something new, even if I absolutely need it. And yet, this is probably the most important thing, I lack freedom. I understand perfectly well that she is worried about me, but I cannot sit at home all the time. In the end, it turns out that way, because it’s easier for me to sit in the room all evening than to go somewhere. I understand perfectly well that I don’t have enough experience in life, but where will I get it from? I am an adult girl, but after 10 p.m. it’s difficult for me to go out with friends because a scandal will break out at home. I study at a prestigious institute, I try to choose friends. And if I want to go to a club at night, this does not mean that I will do something unknown there, and someone will take me away. I study well, I graduated from school with honors, I have no bad habits, but my mother still thinks and sometimes calls me “stupid” and that I am “still stupid.” I'm tired of fighting with my mother, I want to understand, but all attempts to talk lead to us starting to quarrel. It happens that my classmates meet in the evening in some cafe, and I have to go home. I have friends who do very well in school, work, and go out and meet in the evening. There is no such control over my peers. And to give them an example, my mother tells me not to care about others. I also really want a varied life. Going somewhere to another city (to see) is also a big problem for me. My sister and her boyfriend live with me. My sister is 29 years old. My mother constantly tries to get involved in their relationship and quarreling also begins at home. Trying to control her somehow. As a result, I come to the conclusion that until I move to another apartment, nothing will change. What should I do???

Good evening! Unfortunately, I don't know your name. I cannot but agree with you that you are already an adult, of legal age and, judging by the content of your letter, a responsible girl, that the desire to spend more time with friends and communicate is quite natural. The period when the child is inextricably linked with the mother and depends on her has long passed. You are entering adulthood, taking your first independent steps, learning, and beginning to gain your own personal life experience. Lack of understanding on the part of the mother is perhaps expressed by her desire to take care of and control you, and with the best intentions: “I only want the best,” “I know better how.” This control may be based on concern and anxiety for you. It is not easy for a mother to accept the fact that the children have grown up and must build their lives according to their own discretion. In your situation, if it is not possible for both of you to come for a face-to-face consultation, it makes sense to have a confidential conversation in which you openly and calmly discuss what is bothering you and ask to tell you sincerely about what is really bothering your mother. Tell her about your love and respect for her, about how important it is for you that she trusts you and respects your desire for independence and building your personal life. You can discuss together the parable of R. Bach: “Once upon a time, at the bottom of one large crystal river there was a village, and certain creatures lived in it. The river silently flowed over them all: young and old, rich and poor, good and bad. Flowed on its way and knew only about her own crystal Self. And all these creatures, each in their own way, clung to the stones and thin stems of plants growing at the bottom of the river, for the ability to cling was the basis of their life, and they learned to resist the flow of the river from birth. But one creature finally said: “I’m tired of clinging. And although I don’t see it with my own eyes, I believe that the current knows where it’s going. Now I’ll let go of the stone, and let it take me with it, otherwise I’ll die of boredom.” The other creatures laughed and said: “Fool! Just let go of your stone, and your beloved current will flip you over and slam you against the stones so much that you will die faster from this than from boredom,” But he did not listen and, taking in more air, unclenched his hands, and at the same moment the current overturned him and hit him against the rocks. However, the creature still did not cling to anything, and then the stream lifted it high above the bottom, and it no longer hit the stones. And the creatures living down the river, to whom he was a stranger, shouted: “Look, a miracle! He's just like us, but he flies! And then the one who was carried by the current said: “I am the same as you.” The river will happily free you and lift you up if you only dare to unhook yourself from the rocks. Your true work lies in this journey, in this courageous journey." Discuss with each other, maybe it’s time to let each other go? If there is a lack of understanding and there is an opportunity to live separately, make your own decision. P.S. I have an assumption that my mother raised you are alone. Is this so? Does she have a loved one?

Child age: 18

I can't find a common language with my mother

Forgive me, I have already tortured you with my mother. I'm just trying to guess her, the meaning of her name-calling towards me in particular. About money. Here's an example: our new neighbors are now doing renovations. We went to all the neighbors and asked their consent to cut in the pipes. In the end, some neighbors, like my mother, agreed. The mechanics arrived and started working. As a result, the cost was estimated at 16 thousand. Today they came again to change the batteries and strengthen the new toilet. The cost is 15 thousand in total. The result is a large sum. Question: where did she get it from if she kept telling me and continues to say that we are poor. Maybe I’m wrong, but does a poor person really have 31 thousand for all these manipulations??? Perhaps this is her method of education? That for strangers there will be at least 20 thousand, and for a relative - with difficulty 300 rubles for pocket expenses. And one more thing: why does she keep me at home with her during their work (both yesterday and today). So that my ears and body and nervous system can tolerate it? While they were working, I would like to invite my mother to go outside and play, not far away, of course, so as not to hear or see it. But no, the mother says, what will she do with them alone? I can’t have my own opinion with her. She doesn’t recognize him at all, even when I have some kind of opinion. Just home to the DPRK and hyperactivity for a long time. And that's bad! That’s why I want to go live with my classmates, with her colleagues at work, or on the street stupidly. Is it a shame to follow my opinion or is this a special method of education for her??? Explain! P.S. I’m not talking, of course, about 500 thousand or, God forbid, a million, no, this is for the oligarchs. I'm talking about loving money and giving it to strangers completely! And when I get a job myself, sooner or later she will tell me to give a certain amount to her. And if I leave the city, he will call, and if I don’t call, so as not to hear the same thing: Where are you? Have you eaten? What do you do without me? When will you arrive? What are you doing now? She might even involve the police in searching for me. And what next - return to her with the police???

No wonder I whined about money and repairs. My mother was given a toilet with a crack. They cheated me out of money. My mother said that this was not her first failure in life, but a numerical one, and something tells me it won’t be the last. I assumed that everything was going too smoothly. But no one is interested in my opinion, so get the “turd.”

Now I still have to say hello to the mechanics. With locksmiths, damn it! Because mommy said so. With whom else - he can approach everyone on the street, bow and say hello, directly to everyone. Even to migrants. Something new. P.S And what she demands, there is no desire to help her. Not because I’m “not a man,” but because if I do something wrong, I get called names and the list goes on. Do I need it??? And to say hello to the mechanics - they are strangers to me and I don’t know them at all. No, you have to say hello! Next, say hello to cats???

Daniel

Hello, Daniil!

You and I have already talked, and I have already said that you need to talk to your mother and seek an in-person consultation with a psychologist. I understand your feelings, your need for support, but, unfortunately, an online consultation cannot be as effective as a face-to-face consultation with a specialist. Therefore, as a qualified psychologist, I strongly recommend that you seek an in-person consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist, tell them what’s bothering you, and solve current problems together at each of the in-person sessions.

I don’t know you or your mother, I don’t have information, I can’t hold your hand or even diagnose you. I ask you to carefully read my previous answer and the answer of the psychologist who advised you before me, and do everything as was said. At the moment, I still see a lot of emotions on your part, directed towards your mother, but I don’t see any work on yourself. This work must be carried out only in a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist.

I advise you not to waste time writing to us, but finally seek help from a specialist, search for the true reasons for the current situation and solve all the problems that are bothering you.

I sincerely wish you good luck and success. I believe in you, I hope that this time you will listen to my advice. All the best!

Olga Dorokhova,
psychologist of the site “I am a parent”

Question to a psychologist

Good evening!
For as long as I can remember, I could never find a common language with my mother.
It seems to me that any child, at any age, expects support from his mother in one situation or another. But for some reason I can’t get it only from family members, and most importantly from my mother. No matter what I do, everything is bad: I wash the dishes - not right, I clean - not right, I bought myself new things - what the hell did you buy?, friends - she doesn’t like anyone, my boyfriends - she didn’t like either of the two either, She chooses the job for me because she doesn’t like where I worked either! In the summer, everyone walks at night, relaxes, but I can’t afford it. I understand the latter, she’s worried, but I’m in the company of people, we’re not doing anything bad, so what’s wrong with going for a walk?
Going to a friend's house for an overnight stay? This also needs to be begged for.
Why should I always beg and tearfully beg for everything in my 20s?!
I’m just tired of this, and I don’t know how to get out of this situation. Help please. Thanks in advance.

Hello, Victoria! Your mother is used to the fact that YOU allow her to make decisions regarding your life - she is like this - she rejects you, your choice, she controls you - you should not WAIT from your mother for support and permission to start living your life - you are only Show her that you let her control. You have already grown up and are already responsible for your life - your mother may reject, criticize, she may not like where you work, who you communicate with, she may forbid - BUT! working where you like, going out and chatting with your friends is YOUR CHOICE! You can either hide behind its prohibitions yourself or allow yourself to live - the responsibility is only yours and the choice is also only yours! Mom may worry about you, wish you better - BUT - she can do this from her side, through her perception - BUT - this is NOT WHAT YOU need - SHE needs it! Allow yourself to make decisions, and not constantly seek permission from your mother to do something! She MAY prohibit, she MAY not approve - BUT - the final decision is YOURS - hide behind her ban or act!

Victoria, if you really decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

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Victoria, hello!

You are 20 years old and you have been the mistress of your life for 2 years. Only you can decide how to live this life and what to do and what not to do. And if you continue to rely on your mother’s decision in all matters, that’s your choice. But don't expect mom to suddenly become an angel...

It's time for you to set a boundary in your relationship with her and become independent! This is the only way you can improve this relationship. If you are still hanging on your mother’s neck (she feeds and clothes you), her demands on you are appropriate. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is get on your feet. By standing up, you can talk to your mom like an adult talking to another adult. Moreover, you will not be obliged to listen to her, but will be able to make your own decisions.

If you are already independent, then here’s the question: why do you still depend on her opinion, Victoria? What is stopping you from drawing this line and finally becoming an adult in the full sense of the word?! Try to answer this question, if not on your own, then by working with a psychologist, and you will probably discover a lot for yourself!..

Parents find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that their child has grown up. But if you play along with your mother in this game, she will never come to terms with it. Much depends on your behavior, Victoria. And it looks like it's time to reconsider it!..

I sincerely wish you good luck with this! And if you have any questions or need help, reach out!

Karamyan Karina Rubenovna, psychologist, psychotherapist, Moscow

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