The transitional age of a child is not an easy time for the whole family. This difficult and important period of transformation of a child into an adult turns out to be difficult not only for parents, but also for the teenager himself. During this period, he really needs support and understanding, despite the fact that he may reject them.

It is not easy to understand a grown-up child; often he himself does not realize what is happening to him and why. But it is the parents, from the height of their life experience, who should try to support and help deal with problems that seem significant to the child.

For harmonious and trusting relationships during this period, it is important to be able to rebuild relationships within the family in such a way that the teenager can trust adults. Parents will have to develop a new approach to raising a future adult, a new system of restrictions and rewards, stock up on considerable patience and be sensitive to the child’s experiences.

How to understand a teenager

About what affects a child’s behavior during adolescence hormonal changes everyone understands. The changing background has a great influence on the child’s mood, which seems to change ten times a day. But under no circumstances should you dismiss a teenager with the phrase “these are hormones.” Indeed, in addition to the physiological side of growing up, a teenager also faces a number of psychological problems, which are often not easy for him to overcome.

Anyone will say that adolescence is a kind of “bridge” between childhood and adulthood. It is not easy to go through such a path, not only physiologically, but also psychologically. During this period, the child cannot yet decide which of the two groups he belongs to.

Unconsciously, he is afraid of change, but he also strives for it. Therefore, many manifestations, such as the denial of authority and the demand for independence, are not as clear as they seem at first glance. Let's take a closer look at what happens to a child during adolescence.

Criticism

Firstly, there is a rethinking of values ​​and consolidation of useful experience. Much of what was said and prohibited earlier will be subject to critical evaluation from the child and this is absolutely normal.

It’s worse that parents, their behavior, manner of dressing, even speech are subject to critical assessment. Yes, these may be nit-picking with the aim of “overthrowing” authority, but it is worth recognizing that often the comments turn out to be justified in one way or another, because we are all far from ideal. Try to remain calm in such moments.

Perhaps this will reassure someone, but most of the critical remarks addressed to parents will not be voiced at all by the teenager, but will certainly be noticed. Therefore, perhaps it is worth adjusting your behavior?

Irresponsibility

It seems that the child has completely lost interest in learning, cannot plan his time, and forgets basic requests. The fact is that during this period a restructuring of the child’s brain also occurs. Take it for granted that you will have to take on the planning function:

• distribute tasks and responsibilities in such a way as not to overload the teenager;
• help create a schedule for your child, if he doesn’t mind;
• give instructions and tasks for a short rather than a long period of time.

By the way, it is important to know that you can take advantage of the “restructuring” of the brain and instill in your child new useful habits, interests, and help develop a model of thinking and problem solving.

Another reason for a teenager’s irresponsible attitude may be a common misunderstanding. The child does not want to be pressured and given instructions; it will be much more productive to talk and explain why this or that is required of him.

"I'm not little anymore"

This is how a teenager begins to feel. He strives for everything that he associates with “adult life,” but alas, he is not yet able to take responsibility for his own actions, control changing emotions, or solve new “adult” problems.

This behavior of an older child often irritates parents and provokes conflicts within the family. The child strives for independence in those matters that seem important to him: clothing, company, entertainment. Parents, realizing the impossibility of permissiveness, pull the child back, and a conflict arises, during which it turns out that the “ancestors” are behind the times and there is no need to listen to their advice.

Before entering into conflict with a teenager over rights and freedoms, it is worth reconsidering your attitude towards this family member. Of course, you cannot give your child complete freedom, but it is worth showing respect. This is the key to understanding your child.

Often, simply changing the tone of conversations allows you to improve relationships within the family and turn from an “enemy” into a reliable friend, which the child so needs during this period. Here are some tips that can be put into practice so that your teenager feels your willingness to acknowledge his changed situation:

The interests of a teenager are often unclear to adults. Some of them seem stupid, others seem dangerous. However, they also provide extensive knowledge about how the child “lives”, what excites, attracts, and irritates him.

No one is asking to share the interests of a teenager; moreover, this is an area that it is better for parents not to enter, the “freedom” that is so necessary for the growing individual. But it’s worth listening to what kind of music your child likes, finding out what he reads and watches.

Isn't this interesting? Not to kick you out of your computer, but to ask how this game is played. Believe me, it will be much easier to agree. The teenager will know that you understand and accept his interests, and it will be easier to compromise.

Don't criticize your teenager. Just ask, take an interest, and perhaps after some time you will be surprised to notice that you can guide your child in his choice not through prohibitions and shouting. It is likely that having shared his interests, the child will also want to get to know yours better.

Such important problems

Think back to when you yourself were a teenager. Experiences and emotions during this period are felt especially vividly and painfully. The notorious youthful maximalism does not allow a teenager to feel “at his best.” His life is a series of ups and downs, and if the child is also experiencing his first love, emotions can be very strong.

A teenager, like no one else, can become a victim of nervousness and even depression if he does not find a way out for his experiences. It’s good when he has a good friend, but not all problems can be trusted even to a friend.

Parents are able to help their child cope with the difficulties and problems that bother him during this period. To what extent this will be successful depends on how close the relationships within the family are and to what extent the teenager trusts you. However, there are a number of important issues that even parents who have lost contact with their child during this difficult period can help cope with.

"Inconvenient" questions

The child is developing rapidly and the beginning of adolescence is the time to talk about both the changes that occur in the child’s body and about intergender relationships, if this has not happened before. Believe me, the child will have a lot of questions about this and will probably have to return to the conversation more than once.

This is not the time for embarrassment and reticence - everything that you yourself do not tell the teenager, he will learn from friends and the “quality” of such knowledge will be of a very low level. Learn to be frank with your child in such matters and present information calmly.

It will be awkward for a child to ask many questions in this area even to friends, and it is good if the parent demonstrates his willingness to help in this delicate situation. After all, even a situation that is insignificant from an adult’s point of view can plunge your child into deep and not always optimistic thoughts.

Appearance

Entering adolescence, the child seems to lose interest in his own appearance, becomes slobby, and pays little attention to personal hygiene. This is due to the fact that the child still experiences vague anxiety before changes and tries in every possible way to preserve the state of “childhood”. Typically this period lasts about a year.

Then it is replaced by the opposite desire - to like it, to attract attention, to be bright. It’s as if the scruffy child is being replaced, and parents complain about how much money is spent on “rags” and cosmetics. Stop. Now is the time to help your child solve one of the most important problems of adolescence and help determine his future style, teach his son to take care of himself and create a wardrobe, and his daughter to use cosmetics.

Don’t insist if a child asks for another ripped jeans or an awkward T-shirt - tell me what it’s best to combine with, choose accessories along with him. Perhaps the process will even captivate you, and the teenager will gain valuable experience and, with your help, will be able to stand out among his peers.

Does your daughter want to dye her hair pink? Why not? Adolescence is a time for experimentation. And it’s better that you take her to the hairdresser yourself than suddenly see the result of your friend’s labors in the form of burnt strands.

The participation and help of parents will most likely not go unnoticed by the teenager, who next time will turn to you for advice, and not to an equally inexperienced classmate.

Position in the group

Belonging to a group is an important issue for a teenager. During this period, the child tries to “merge” with the crowd of his own kind. One can only guess what kind of company a child might find himself in during this period, but obviously not classical music lovers or bibliophiles.

Parents have the power to guide their child in the right direction if they take this aspiration seriously. Find out about your child's interests - perhaps he has long wanted to go horseback riding or rock climbing. If so, it is enough to find a suitable section where a teenager can meet friends with similar interests.

When a company already exists, it is not easy to control the behavior of a teenager in it. But, at least, it is in your power to get to know your child’s friends and try to keep them in sight - invite them to visit and even to a picnic. This way you can determine the range of interests of the company and even offer something of your own.

It is important that the proposal to visit the boat station or go on a hike expressed by your child will increase his authority in the eyes of the company, and therefore will allow the teenager to solve another important problem for him.

Just don’t choose visiting a museum or excursion as entertainment. Remember, teenagers are just children. They will be captivated by either something moving, interesting, perhaps somewhat extreme, or something that affects the interests of the group - a concert of a favorite performer, the premiere of an anticipated film.

Support your growing child. Even if it seems that there is no contact, he really urgently needs your understanding and care. And this is no longer caring for a child, but participation in the final formation of an adult personality with whom you will soon speak as equals.

Not only the internal and external world of the child changes. During this period, the parents themselves must change - the child is no longer the same kid who needs an eye and an eye, so you need to reconsider your principles of raising teenagers. And sometimes it’s difficult for a mother to cope with her son’s growing up.

From the first days of the baby’s life, the mother gives him all of herself. This continues for a certain time, the child grows up, and a moment comes when he no longer needs the same care as before. The child has changed. And the mother remained in the childhood period of her baby. Psychologist Svetlana Ripka told, and most importantly, what a mother should do when her son grows up.

The door opened and a well-dressed woman of about fifty entered the office, followed by a young guy of about 25. She sat down in front of me, he remained standing near the door. Her first phrase was: “Do something with him, he has 2 higher educations, he’s so good to me, but for some reason he doesn’t want to live.” The guy didn’t react at all and continued to look out the window. In his eyes there was no desire to receive help or engage in dialogue at all. Therefore, my question was addressed to the woman: “Perhaps you need help? Maybe it’s you who don’t know how to behave with your son?” To which I received the expected answer: “What are you doing? He has problems. I dedicated my life to him, but he is ungrateful and doesn’t want to live.”

This is a real case from my practice. The mother took care of her son for 25 years, did everything for him and FOR HIM. And it’s hard for her to understand that she deprived her son of an independent life. That she took away from her son the desire to desire and choose. She even took away the desire to see a psychologist, and she is trying to control the choice between life and death from him. In old age, such a mother finally begins to feel burdened by guardianship over her son, and she takes her son to see a psychologist and says: “Do something with him.” But she never admits that because of her selfishness, her physically healthy son became virtually crippled - helpless and incapable of action and independent life.

The topic of relations between parents and teenage children. Children who have already swung one foot into adulthood, but have not yet been able to plant a firm foot. Children who are 13, 14, 15 years old. And older, older... Children are 25 years old, children are 30 years old, and even forty years old. Will they ever be able to set foot in adulthood?

Mom worries about the 16-17 year old forehead, that he sits on the computer, did not have breakfast until 12 noon, and did not choose the educational institution he will enroll in in 4 months. And she has so much trouble about him - preparing breakfast, washing, serving, choosing his future place of study, but he sits on the computer and doesn’t lift his nose. And the unhappy, concerned mother calls it: “He doesn’t make a choice.” Or in another way, even more “softly”: “He can’t make a choice - he’s still a child.” And he begins to fuss, choose a university, negotiate with friends, borrow money, pull his ears.

And him? What is he - he is nothing.

He, like an amoeba, trails his mother around the admissions committees, looking at YouTube and VK on his phone, but his mother decides everything, he doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything. Goes to classes without motivation. After finishing his studies, he cannot find a job. Mom has a ready answer to this: “Now is the time - you can’t find a job in your specialty.”

And then a fix idea arises in my mother: “Shouldn’t I go to university for a different specialty?” The mother chooses something that is relevant, in demand and again looks for money, works for the benefit of her son and... And a few years later she comes with her son to a psychologist with the words: “Do something with him.” But we should have come 15 years ago.

It so happens that in most cases mothers are involved in raising children in modern families. Therefore, this material is addressed to mothers of maturing sons (it will also be useful for dads, and I in no way exclude dads from the process of raising children, it’s just that dads have other blind spots in their upbringing, which I don’t mention here). Our children grow and change, and we, parents, need to change along with them. Everything that concerns the lives of children is very dynamic, and this has its pros and cons. And one of them is that they change very quickly, and sometimes we do not have time to change with them.

“In families with teenage children, controllability problems may be associated with the inability of parents to move from the stage of caring for the baby to the stage of respecting the teenager. In this situation, previous programs that worked well when children were small interfere with the development of a new form of family. Perhaps the children have already become accustomed to the new level of their development, while PARENTS AT THIS STAGE OF THEIR OWN DEVELOPMENT HAVE NOT DEVELOPED NEW ALTERNATIVES.” - family psychotherapist S. Minukhin tells us.

That is, the parent may HIMSELF be the weak link in the dense and interconnected chain of family life. And as we remember, you don’t even notice the log in your own eye. The dynamics of the family life cycle highlights as a separate point the period when the child experiences adolescence. This is perhaps the most difficult period for parents, for the child, and for the family as a whole. At this time, the internal psychological separation of the child from the family begins, independence of his self-esteem from the assessment of his parents appears, and all hidden and obvious conflicts between family members intensify. The tasks of this stage of family development are: establishing a balance in the family between freedom and responsibility; creating a circle of interests for spouses that are not related to parental responsibilities and solving career problems. I repeat that we must clearly understand that the forms and styles of behavior that we use with young children are unacceptable for children of adolescence and older.

What exactly does the mother of her son, who celebrated his 13th birthday and received a razor as a gift, need to change in her behavior?

7 obligatory actions of the mother of a growing son

1. Change the strategy of your own behavior. As you already understand, you need to start with yourself. You are a mother who gave birth and raised her child until she was 13, 14, 15 years old. Now this child needs to be helped to become an adult. It is your direct responsibility to give your son the opportunity to make independent decisions. And it is your responsibility to LEARN to make his independent decisions and WITHstand their inconsistency with your plans.

2. Transform maternal care. To do this, you need to change your usual form of communication. Caring in the usual format for you - you know what he needs and take care of him and his needs in advance - will now cause harm. It is necessary to ask your son questions: What do you think? What do you want? Why do you choose this? What are your plans for the next year, two, five? Such questions should become the norm of communication between parents and children from kindergarten age. But better late than never. Ask questions, ask what he wants and likes. Consider his wishes and aspirations in everything. This is also care, but it provides an opportunity for the development of the child’s independence. If you don't want to have breakfast, don't. Let him go hungry. Believe me, when you stop persuading, he will run into the kitchen ahead of you.

3. Determine the boundaries of material support. Naturally, parents are obliged to provide their children with clothing, food, toys, etc. But few people think about what age. It must be noted that every year after the age of 18, the financial support provided by parents will decrease. The son must know that he cannot sit on his parents’ necks all the time. From the age of 13-14, you can provide him with the opportunity to earn his own small pocket money. For example, a high school student can be a tutor for an elementary school student, you can make handmade postcards and sell them at exhibitions, you can help your neighbors walk their dog for a nominal fee, look after your younger nephew, etc. So that the restriction of material support does not look like a bolt from the blue at the age of 18-20, it is necessary to talk about it from the age of 13-14. And if you are going to feed and clothe him all his life, buy phones and computers, why should he bother and study, then do not be surprised at his passivity and reluctance to develop independently.

4. Engage in raising your son’s financial literacy. A man is a breadwinner. Every woman dreams of having a reliable man next to her who knows how to earn money. Your son will grow up soon. What kind of man will he become? Your future wonderful old age depends to some extent on his ability to earn money. At the moment, there are many psychological games, among which there is a game called “Cash Flow” for the development of financial literacy. My recommendation is to give your child the opportunity to play this game. The school does not provide knowledge in this format, and the modern world is tied hand and foot with the ability to own and increase your finances. It is very important for a man to be able to earn money, manage his income and be able to increase it. The main thing in this game is that over time, a certain strategy for handling finances is developed, which can subsequently be transferred to real life. The game is conducted by the presenter, who shows the strengths and weaknesses of the tactics of the playing participants. Cash Flow can be played by families, there are adult and children's games.

Adolescence is different for everyone. But one thing is certain: during this period, the relationship between parents and child moves into a new direction. And not always the most favorable. If you don’t know, read the advice of a mom psychologist.

During a teenage crisis, it is important. Psychologist, author of books for parents and mother Irina Chesnova told how to maintain a relationship with a child in adolescence.

My daughter’s adolescence (she’s 13) is creeping up on us gradually, very gradually. I know a lot about it in theory (+ I also remember my own experience, of course), but let’s see what it will be like in practice from the role of a parent.

Brief description of age: the child moves away, closes himself off from his parents, and becomes “opaque.” He needs to increase the distance with close adults in order to become as inaccessible as possible to their “intrusions” and find his unique, inimitable “I” - in the external and internal world, build his identity, find, based on his own mistakes and decisions, his personal living space and answers to the questions “who am I?”, “what am I?”, “what should I be?”, “what is my place in this world?”

In preschool childhood and elementary school, the child develops a certain picture of the world. As a rule, it is based on parental views, values ​​and ready-made formulas. And for the time being, the child considers this picture to be the only one. And in adolescence (suddenly) it turns out that the world around is varied and diverse. And other people, it turns out, have their own coordinate systems. There are many of them! And they are so different!

The leading activity of the “transitional age” is intimate and personal communication with peers. Now they are the main authority for the teenager; through interaction with them, he better understands himself, his feelings, his place in the world. Parental values, alas, are crumbling. The teenager begins to delve into the pluralism of opinions, views and paths of development, to search and piece together his coordinate system. And with it, faith in yourself and your talents.

• Calm, just calm. And patience.
• It is very important to maintain contact, remaining that same adult who loves, “no matter what,” to show sincere interest, but not to impose your “right.”
• Rudeness and rudeness should be calmly but decisively suppressed (“talking to me in such a tone is unacceptable!”).
• Behave respectfully, but firmly (and remain that unshakable support that the teenager, despite rebellion and resistance, still needs), see him for who he is - searching for himself, growing up and a separate person.
• You can share your experience, your emotions, ask for opinions and ask for advice. And sometimes just be silent together.

I already have my own observations-conclusions-solutions, which (in our case) work successfully. I'm telling you.

How to find a common language with a teenager: story one

Well, you sit at home and do nothing! - Dasha said in anger. - Just think, you write books. Pfft, anyone can do this!
What did it say above?))

Parental authority is crumbling. The teenager tests his parents’ stability, his commitment to his own value system, searches for, targets “weak points,” tries to confirm his own emotional independence and, through provocations, seeks confirmation of his Self.

“You can think whatever you want,” I said. - I really like what I do, it’s really cool and cool, it benefits a lot of people. And I wish you, too, to find your own business, which will bring you no less pleasure and satisfaction.

What is this message about? That you have the right to your opinion, but it will not destroy my self-confidence and will not call into question the significance for me of what I do. I chose my path and follow it, and you choose yours. For a teenager, this is also a good example of how not to be destroyed by undeserved, unconstructive criticism and to stand firm on what is important to you.

Adolescence is indeed a very difficult period psychologically: both for children and for the adults who are around them. Moreover, even pets often feel discomfort when there is a “growing offspring” in the family. The transition from childhood to adulthood is very difficult.

Teenagers like more daring styles of clothing and more energetic music. During adolescence, adolescents develop political views, which, of course, are not subject to doubt or discussion and quite often do not coincide with the political sympathies of their parents, which often leads to quarrels and misunderstandings in the family.
Youthful maximalism at this age is associated with aggressive and often uncontrollable behavior.

Rebellious behavior often borders on hooliganism. A teenager tries to “try everything”: sex, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, which often leads to serious consequences.

During this period, the first romantic relationships also appear, which, in case of an unfavorable outcome, can cause severe psychological trauma or even teenage suicide. 90% of teenagers develop ugly pimples, which is very annoying for them. In general, a teenager often feels that he has become not just ugly, but an unreal Quasimodo. And it is very difficult to convince them otherwise (and few people even try to do this).

During adolescence, a teenager begins to hate everyone: himself with acne, the bitch teacher, parents, high school students who once beat or ridiculed him, the entire human race. At this age, a teenager wants to be unique. They frantically strive to master all the adult “things.” Teenagers don’t give a damn about parents’ requests to study well. Their heads are often busy looking for places to drink, smoke, lose their virginity, find cosmetics, fashionable “clothes” or money for it, because they are “adults”. They want everything, but they do not intend to bear responsibility for it.

Transitional age. How to survive?

Relationships with all adults become tense: “No one understands me.” The teenager withdraws into himself and stops sharing his experiences and problems. Since adolescence sometimes lasts 6-7 years, it is very difficult not only for parents, but also for the teenager himself.

How can one survive it?

Talk to the teenager in a calm tone, without pestering him with unnecessary questions.
- During a conversation, be friendly and smile.
- Ask him how he is doing, take an interest (unobtrusively) in his personal life.
- If a teenager is rude, do not answer him with rudeness or lack of restraint, remember that it is difficult for him, and he did not want to offend you, answer with restraint.

Don't reproach him, but try to politely point out the shortcomings in his behavior.

Adolescence. How to survive

Of course, not every schoolchild becomes a nightmare for parents with the onset of adolescence. Natural curiosity intensifies at this age. The main thing is to direct it in the right direction, but if the subject of the article does arrive in the most terrible form, do not be upset; as a rule, it will pass with age.

At the end of adolescence, young people become much more adequate, and sometimes, thanks to their passion, they achieve success by the age of 20. Adolescence is a difficult period. For parents, first of all, because the child gets out of control, becomes uncontrollable, withdrawn, and behaves inappropriately.

And for a child, this is the time of becoming an adult and during this period anything can happen. An obedient child - in adolescence, can begin to do everything in defiance of his parents, and a kind and sympathetic child becomes callous, rude, dresses provocatively, showing aggressiveness towards members of the household.

Adolescence. How to survive? Video

During adolescence, everything is at its maximum and it is unknown how it all may end; this is one of the most difficult and difficult periods in a person’s life. Parents must be prepared for these changes. It would be nice for parents to understand and accept that adolescence is a normal process, when a child becomes an adult and ceases to be a child, this is a positive incident, since any person must someday become an adult. Children have never been adults, so they take all their steps ineptly and incorrectly.

The desire to be independent, to choose his own hobbies, favorite activities, friends - this is a test of his adult life. The main thing is that the parents do not distance themselves from the child at this time, but remain his friends, who can provide psychological support in an unforeseen situation, help in difficult life moments, or answer some simple questions for adults that lead the child to a dead end, only from - because of his inexperience.

Unfortunately, sometimes communication between adults and children in adolescence turns into a complete misunderstanding, which often remains for the rest of their lives.

Dear parents, help your children get through this difficult period of their lives easier. Take an interest in the psychology of children of adolescence and apply the knowledge gained in their upbringing. This will help you prevent fatal mistakes that sometimes cannot be corrected.

Salova Anna