The family is the most important social institution for the formation and development of a person’s personality. The importance of family pedagogy in the formation and development of personality in different eras and by different thinkers was assessed differently. Plato, T. Campanella, C. Helvetius, C. Fourier, for example, believed that family education is inferior to public education and in itself has a negative impact on human development. However, practice has shown the inconsistency of such views. After all, the physical, mental and moral development of a person largely depends on the perfection of the family. The primary socialization of a person, and therefore his upbringing and education, begins and, above all, occurs in the family. It is here that all the foundations of a future personality are laid, since the family, said I. A. Ilyin, acts as the primary womb of human culture, the island of a person’s spiritual life. It is in the family that a child’s first “we” is formed: mom, dad, me - our friendly family. This is the enormous role of the family in the implementation of the primary socialization of a person - initiation into a joint (collective) life. After all, the main tasks of human growth and education are solved in the family:

• - the foundations of a person’s character are laid;
• - mental hardening is carried out;
• - learning to self-control and the requirements put forward to it occurs;
• - truthfulness and sincerity are defended;
• - discipline is established;
• - a sense of one’s own spiritual dignity is formed, etc.

It is wrong to think that the family should and does only engage in

education. Of course, a child’s education is the prerogative of the educational institution. However, in this regard, it is important to understand that education is impossible without training. A person studies from birth to the end of his life. He learns from the world around him, from his parents, at school, at university, at work. Studying is not only about gaining theoretical knowledge and mastering science. Learning is also the process of growing up, the child clarifying and determining his attitude to the world, and finding his place in society. Such training is inseparable from education and is carried out everywhere, but above all, of course, in the family.

It is known that the family is a unit of society in which the entire system of social relations is reproduced in miniature. Family is the relationship between husband and wife, parents and children. This definition of family, belonging to Aristotle, was reproduced almost verbatim by many scientists, including K. Marx and F. Engels in “German Ideology”. Of course, this definition does not cover all existing varieties of the family (according to A. Toffler’s calculations, there are 86 species). However, this definition directs us to consider what is still the most common family union, in which there is a close relationship and interaction of close people, relatives living together and leading a common household. This union is considered to be the so-called nuclear family, which is formed by the relationship of spouses and children. True, the nuclear family is increasingly being replaced by family unions of childless spouses or single-parent families in which one of the parents raises children. Statistics show that now almost every third child is born out of wedlock or in an unregistered marriage. Unfortunately, this is already becoming a social norm. By the way, it is families in which there are children that retain their most important social functions, such as childbearing, raising and educating children, i.e. in general, their socialization is preparation for future adult life. In this regard, it is important to emphasize that the true mission of the family is children. Hegel said this very well in his “Philosophy of Right”: the family ends with the upbringing of children. Only by realizing this function can a person say that he has left his mark on life, that along with his child, the life of his family will continue. This is true both from the biological and from the social side, no matter what we talk or think about it. Indeed, germ cells carry information about their producers in a concentrated form, and at the moment the germ cells unite, they acquire the meaning of the entire organism. But at the same time, supra-individual human development also takes place: the personality of the parent continues itself in another person - his child beyond the direct act of interaction. This is what F. Nietzsche most likely meant when he said that parents continue to live in their children. For a child, mother and father are of utmost importance not only in childhood, but also when they become adults. The image of a father and mother in adult children, no matter what age they are, remains with them even after the death of their parents. First, during the first three years of children's lives, parents influence their subconscious, and therefore manifest themselves in them in a sensual way. All sensory images of a child of this period are erased from his memory, and therefore he can say little about his feelings towards his parents. And then the already conscious images of parents depend on the mother and father, their forms of interactions with each other and with their children, which will most likely be copied in the lives and their own family relationships of their adult children.

Thus, the birth and upbringing of a child has an enduring significance both for the person giving life and for the one to whom this life is given.

However, the birth of a child imposes enormous responsibility on parents. I. Kant wrote about this very well in his “Metaphysics of Morals”: ​​for the action of a husband and wife (parents), when they arbitrarily give birth to a child (son, daughter) without his consent, the parents are obliged to do as much as in their strength to ensure that their child is happy with his condition. In other words, the birth of a child is the common duty of the parents and the family. And this means that from this duty necessarily follows the right (more precisely, the responsibility) of the parents to raise and support the child until he is able to support and feed himself, but also to form and educate him.

Unfortunately, many people attribute this responsibility only to supporting the growth of the child, and leave everything else to chance. You can often hear: the main thing is to feed, drink, clothe, and everything else will sort of happen by itself. By the way, this approach to their children is very typical of the leisure classes of the past. In memoirs and fiction, one can often find memories of one or another of their authors about how his father condescended to talk to him just once. And some gentlemen sometimes did not recognize their own offspring when meeting them on walks. Of course, all this could be considered a curiosity if there were not a widespread belief (faith) that anyone who can give birth to a child can raise him. Meanwhile, real experience, the life practice of many families shows that this is far from true. Some people don’t think about raising their children at all and leave everything in this matter to chance, relying on their intuition (it’s good, of course, if you have intuition and it doesn’t let you down). Some people most often reproduce in raising their own children the experience of being treated by their parents in childhood. Such a person argues something like this: he was mercilessly punished in childhood for all sorts of misdeeds, but now he has grown up, gotten on his feet, and that’s why he, too, following the example of his parents, must keep his child strict, punish him severely for the slightest mischief . Or, let’s say, such a father or mother argues: as a child, my parents didn’t spoil me with buying toys or new clothes, because most often I wore mended clothes, so I won’t spoil my child either - but he will grow up to be an unspoiled person. Such frequent reasoning by people says a lot about them: these parents do not think about the fact that any upbringing is generated by its time, the specific social environment of the environment, and not everything that was in past experience is suitable for modern treatment of children. Still, it is necessary to take into account the time gap in the upbringing of different generations: parents when they were children, and today’s children. Naturally, all this gives rise to a lot of problems: misunderstandings, resentments, conflicts between parents and children.

Knowledge of the general principles (patterns) of family education - proven pedagogical technologies for their management, if parents knew them, could help get rid of most of these problems. However, many of our parents today simply do not know this, because they are often either overly busy with themselves or their careers, or are lazy and not curious and believe that everything will work out on its own. However, as practice shows, nothing happens by itself, without some effort.

The birth of a child is not only the greatest event in the life of spouses and their loved ones, but it is also a colossal burden for the entire family, radically changing (complicating) existing relationships. After all, one cannot help but see that each of the spouses who become parents has their own interests, attachments, careers, and all this has to be rebuilt overnight. The appearance of a child in a family can be the main reason for a decrease in the level of financial security of the family. It is estimated that the very appearance of the first child in a family reduces its standard of living by about 30%. In this regard, the question of how many children to have and at what age interval (if there are several) no longer seems insignificant. People of the older generation usually say that large families used to be traditional, with four to six children or even more, and there were no problems. However, this is not true.

Large families, their educational potential has its positive and negative sides. On the one hand, there is no basis for the formation of egoism; such important human qualities as responsibility, tolerance, sensitivity, and independence are more successfully formed. Children in such families can correlate their needs with real opportunities, they grow up hardworking and know how to do a lot themselves. On the other hand, the child in such families acutely lacks the personal warmth and attention of his parents. He is extremely limited in his desires and aspirations. Hence, he often develops anxiety and develops a feeling of inferiority, which often contributes to the development of aggressiveness. It is not without reason that they say that aggression is a person’s suppressed complexes, driven inside themselves. By the way, children from these families are 3.5 times more likely to take socially dangerous paths of behavior and, as adults, often express their grievances against their parents.

Raising one single child, as is common now, is a much more difficult task than raising several children. An only child usually becomes the center of the family, everyone revolves around him, pampers him, fulfills his every whim. Love for him is characterized by nervousness, and this is understandable, since fear for him does not leave the parents for a minute. Willy-nilly, an egoist is brought up, a creature extremely preoccupied only with himself, since his “I” is excessively hypertrophied, and, consequently, his irrepressible demands on the people around him. Being the only child in the family, he does not have anyone close to him in age with whom he could play or compete, and therefore he naturally identifies himself only with his parents, striving to do the same as them. Because parents consider their child a wonder of the world, they fully encourage his behavior, which is clearly inappropriate for his age, and never object to him in anything, because they are afraid of losing his love. Often such a child gets used to his exclusive position and becomes a real despot in the family: he is capricious, impatient, and unrestrained. In this case, a pedocracy is practically established in the family - the unlimited power of such a child, spoiled by the upbringing of his parents, over adults. And, if for some reason his exceptional position disappears and they begin to pay much less attention to him (this usually happens when another child is born, for example), this leads to neurotic syndromes and the accompanying consequences of behavior.

The best option is when there are two or three children in a family, but with a minimal age difference of about two to three years, then parental care is distributed evenly among everyone. A child in such a family from an early age gets used to the team and gains the experience of mutual love and friendship. By the way, even later, in adulthood, this affection between brothers and sisters continues.

There are no insignificant issues in family education. Helvetius in his book “On Man” correctly said that in a family, in a house, everything is brought up: all the surrounding objects, even, say, for example, the color of the wallpaper in the room where children study. At the same time, when several children are raised, this upbringing is, as a rule, uniform, most identical precisely because of the constancy of the style of family life and home behavior. Of course, if at the same time the parents themselves do not break this monotony and do not specifically single out any of the children, as happened, for example, in the family where little Z. Freud grew up. But all the same, Helvetius says again, one should never hope that one can give exactly the same education to two children. Yes, this is probably not necessary, because each person should have something of their own, individual.

When dealing with children, each parent should be aware of the stages of growth (development) of the child and the associated features of his upbringing. This is especially true for the stages of formation and development of his spirituality. We have already talked about the age stages of the development of spirituality according to R. Steiner (age of imitation, age of authority, age of formation of abstract thinking) and the stages of formation of abilities to comprehend reality according to J. Piaget. It is necessary to supplement the knowledge of the age stages of spiritual growth, the development of children and the associated characteristics of upbringing, with knowledge and understanding of the criteria for the mental development of people, more precisely, with a scheme for the formation of a person’s basic guidelines in relation to himself and his environment. This scheme was developed by E. Erikson on the basis of identifying psychological oppositions in the gradual overcoming of crisis states of their identity by people of different ages. We have already spoken about this and the crisis age stages of human development a little higher. It is also necessary to know that in the life of every person there are so-called crisis ages.

First crisis age(we have already talked about this) - from three to five or six years - is associated with the formation of gender.

Second crisis age is the most problematic because it is associated with the puberty period (from 12 to 17 years) of human development, i.e. intense hormonal and physiological changes in his body. This crisis has also already been discussed in general terms. Here I would like to draw attention to the peculiarities of the relationship between adolescents and parents during puberty. Sharp physiological changes, along with, naturally, social changes, provoke violent mental dynamics, when teenagers often cannot cope with themselves. During this period, changes in the teenager immediately become noticeable: a quiet, calm, obedient child suddenly becomes a disobedient, self-willed, sometimes overly rude and uncontrollable person. He suddenly starts skipping classes at school, even runs away from home, becomes overly interested in some of his idols, and becomes his fan. All this could be considered the norm, but which parent would put up with such behavior of their offspring. Puberty is a period of behavioral, emotional, normative emancipation of a teenager from his parents. This means that the growth of his independence also limits the functions of parental authority. Seeking expansion of their rights (which means they either did not have such rights at all or had very few), teenagers make inflated demands on their parents. At the same time, parental admonitions in youth are no longer perceived as absolutely and unconditionally as in childhood. The older the child, the more real it is that he draws his ideals not from the family, but from a wider circle of people around him. But all the shortcomings and contradictions in the behavior of loved ones are perceived especially acutely and painfully when they concern the discrepancy between words and deeds, and this, as is clear, not only undermines the authority of parents, but also serves as a practical lesson in adaptation and hypocrisy. By the senior grades, the behavioral antinomy of a teenager in families is already so great that his natural desire for autonomy and independent behavior causes acute conflicts. That is why, during this crisis period of puberty when their child is growing up, parents should stop putting pressure on the teenager and moderate their educational zeal. This means that you need to learn to be unobtrusive.

Another crisis period (third) happens in the life of almost every person as they reach middle age. This is a time period of about 40-43 years. Usually little is said about it, but this is a time when a person undergoes a kind of reassessment of values. Everything that was planned and wanted to have (position, family, children, apartment, country house, car) is already there. And then the usual question arises about what’s next, what is the further meaning of life. It was during this period that people, especially men, often leave their family, find a new job and generally somehow change their life attitudes. Fortunately, however, fanaticism practically does not occur during this difficult period.

Knowledge of the characteristics of a person’s mentality and behavior at various age stages of his development contributes to the correct building of a pedagogical strategy in relationships in the family, anticipation and elimination of many conflicts in it.

According to the general recognition of philosophers and educators, the best environment for educating humanity is, as Pestalozzi said, an atmosphere of family love. It is this atmosphere of love that is consistent with nature. After all, nature gave a parental feeling of love for their children. This is a very strong feeling that accompanies the entire life of parents. An extremely rare exception is the absence of such a feeling of love for one’s children, which can be considered as something out of the ordinary, something in the realm of mental anomalies. E. Fromm in his book “The Art of Loving” notes that a mother loves a child for what he is, and that such love does not need to be earned, much less controlled. True, he calls fatherly love conditional love. And this is understandable, a father’s love is also love for his daughter, son, but it is more likely rational than sensual love and is usually accompanied by a number of conditions.

Naturally, one must use and not counteract these feelings given by nature, because under the influence of love the child’s relationships with people and the whole world become elevated. But if there is no love, a completely insensitive, mentally callous person grows up. Studying the biographies of famous villains (various kinds of maniacs, executioners, rapists), one can notice typical signs of people who were brought up without love. The fates of these people are similar in one thing: they were treated poorly as children. As a result of this, cruelty, envy, hatred, and malice formed in them. They can't stand it when someone else is happy. By the way, psychologists note that a child growing up in a family where there are harmonious relationships, where parents love him, as a rule, does not fall into bad company. After all, he is psychologically healthy and attracts equally psychologically adequate peers. If a child is drawn to bad company, this means that the family is not entirely prosperous. So, for example, frequent quarrels between spouses contribute to the fact that the child gets used to such communication between people, and he will be drawn to similar contacts outside the home, because he does not know how to communicate otherwise. Accordingly, he is drawn to a group of peers where aggression and violence take place, if he constantly encounters this in the family.

Of course, love in a family for children should be reasonable, measured, and not blind. This love must be combined with exactingness, discipline and mandatory control in relation to them. Naturally, the love of parents - mother, father - should not be entirely confined to children to the detriment of their own development. The main job of parents is upbringing, but this absolutely does not mean that parents should completely give up on themselves because of caring for their children, for example, quit college, amateur artistic activities, sports, etc. After all, if they completely focus their feelings only on children and leave concern for themselves, they can then reap very pitiful fruits of their unreasonable love. Firstly, having stopped developing, the mother and father will inevitably fall behind their growing children. Secondly, by devoting their entire lives only to their children, parents risk turning this into their whole life’s work. So, let’s say, a woman can become a grandmother at the age of 37-39 and remain one for another 30 years. A lot of time will be spent caring for daughters, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren. The only correct decision in this case is not to focus on children from the very beginning. If spouses place their parental role above all else, their children may develop unjustified conceit, they begin to take themselves seriously too early, and consider their judgments and assessments to be absolutely indisputable. Therefore, love for children should not put spouses in a subordinate, dependent position on children.

• Ilyin I. A. The path of spiritual renewal // Ilyin I. A. The path to evidence. M.: Republic, 1993. P. 199.
• Sigmund Freud grew up in the family of a poor wool merchant, where there were eight children. The mother always singled out Sigmund from all her children, considering him the smartest of them. All the children, when they studied, prepared their homework by candlelight, and only Sigmund was allowed to prepare his homework using a kerosene lamp.

Each family goes through several stages of development. Each of them is pleasant and complex in its own way. Let's look at the stages of family development in more detail.

What is family? You can still find such a definition as “a unit of society.” And it makes sense. This is a small social group whose members are united by a common life, blood relationship or marital, family ties. Psychologists focus on personal relationships and raising children. It is important to note that family members are bound not only by legal relations, but also by certain responsibilities towards each other. Family is a system. That is, changes in one person lead to changes in another. Therefore, family members are also interconnected on an emotional and psychological level.

When we talking about family, then we mean the following signs.

1. Union of two people. And here there are usually discrepancies as to whether a civil marriage is considered a family when the relationship is not confirmed by the law. In psychology there is no clear answer to this question.
2. Common life, housekeeping. Therefore, the question arises whether a “guest marriage” is considered a family.
3. Acquisition of material assets. Here we are talking about purchasing things to share.
4. Psychological and moral unity. In a family, people most often have similar ideas, views, and beliefs. Having close and intimate relationships.
5. Giving birth and raising children. Today, this motive for marriage is considered the most popular.

Each family goes through certain stages of development. I told you earlier. I propose to consider the classic model of the steps that every family goes through.

"Candy-bouquet" period

The birth of a family. People court, meet, fall in love with each other. Enjoying time together. This stage is also called the period of “rose-colored glasses.” Naturally, each partner tries to show each other their best sides. This period can last any amount of time. This is where the so-called “grinding in” occurs later. When, after about 3-6 months (depending on the intensity of communication), partners begin to see each other’s shortcomings. Right now, a lot depends on mutual feelings and body chemistry. Can a man and a woman tolerate each other's shortcomings? As you know, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. And, if negative qualities are acceptable, then the partners reach a new level of relationship.

Recommendation for at this stage: evaluate the qualities of a partner. And you can move on only if your relationship with a man/woman truly brings satisfaction and joy. “Now we’ll get married/have a baby and everything will change” is not a viable hope. It is important to understand that a person can only change if he wants to. Or maybe it won't change. Therefore, all promises to become calmer, quit smoking, and start earning more closer to the wedding often turn out to be unviable. Consider your partner realistically if you are planning a life together with him.

Living together without children

At this stage, people plan to live together. They choose a guest marriage or legalization of relations. If people decide to get married, then this step can really become serious. And the euphoria of the first year of marriage can give way to the crisis of the first year. The relationship between spouses becomes more responsible. It is necessary to share problems, to be together when you don’t want to. Life is changing. Here, too, adjustments take place - how to conduct everyday life, what to buy, where and how to eat ... The more similar the partners’ ideas, the easier the crisis will pass.

Recommendation for at this stage: It’s better to sit down in advance and write down, talk through your ideas about how to conduct everyday life, where to live, what family rules to establish. Of course, the crisis cannot be avoided, but it is possible to survive it more easily.

Family with small child

The crisis in relationships is due to the fact that partners are now mastering new roles of “mom” and “dad”. A new person appears in the family, to whom all the attention of the family is riveted. It is very important to note that husband and wife may become distant from each other. During this period, it is important to remember to continue to maintain partnerships. If possible, be together. Remember that there may be a decrease in sexual activity in a couple. This is due to the woman’s hormonal background. Some mothers may not want sex for up to a year. Also, sexual interest may subside due to fatigue associated with caring for a baby. Young parents are not always able to navigate a new role; it takes time to master it. Here, new conflicts may arise with parents, with mother-in-law and mother-in-law on issues of raising children. And the spouses themselves may begin to conflict over their views on the child’s development.

Top recommendation for at this stage: treat contradictions more calmly, learn to negotiate. And remember that if the issue is not fundamental, sometimes you can give in. It is important to build healthy boundaries with relatives, remembering who truly is the child’s parent. It makes sense to listen to advice, but still the final word remains with mom and dad.

Mature family

During this period, the spouses may have more children. The structure of the family is changing, solving common problems related to career, everyday life, material and spiritual components. It is important what happens to partners during this period. They mature psychologically, support each other, or, on the contrary, tend to blame each other and become closed. The further development of relationships will depend on how the family grows up and this crisis goes - they will become more stable and mature, or the family will end its existence. It happens that the relationship remains formal - there is a common life, but there is no spiritual closeness, intimate life, or common goals.

Top recommendation for at this stage: It's better to hear each other. Remember where it all began. Spend more time alone with each other, try to refresh the relationship and bring something new into it. Take breaks, forgive. Most often, during this crisis, couples come to a psychologist. There are times when specialist help is needed.

Family with adult children

At this stage, children grow up and prepare to leave the family for an independent life. And here it is very important how well the partners have maintained their relationship as a man and a woman. Usually, if a husband and wife live for the sake of children, such a marriage is supported only by joint upbringing. Parents are subconsciously interested in the fact that their children did not grow up and remained infantile and needed their parents. Then you can continue to be spouses and not notice the problems of your own relationship. By the way, sometimes children appear in families precisely for the reason of preserving the marriage. This does not always happen very consciously. It happens that spouses have children, thinking that this will save the situation. But a child is always just a continuation of the relationship, and not the reason.

Top recommendation for at this stage: in It is important to take an honest look at your relationship and figure out, often with the help of a specialist, whether you want to continue it further. Either end what you have and start the relationship from the beginning - this also happens. More often than not, such relationships fall apart. But it's never too late to change and change. Therefore, oddly enough, it is not worth saving the marriage for the sake of the children; it harms them and their independent life. But figuring out what’s really going on in a relationship will be useful for everyone.

Family without children

Yes, again the spouses are turning into a family without children. The "empty nest" stage. In this case, the man and woman begin a new test or crisis - a test of what is really left of the relationship. Was there anything about them other than children? Are there any reasons to stay together further? If a woman was very focused on children and did not realize herself, then she may begin to feel very sad and experience a crisis in her personal life, which will also affect the relationship. If, as I wrote in the previous paragraph, the family was held together only “for the sake of the children,” such a union may fall apart. The couple live like neighbors.

Exit to pension

This stage is rarely accompanied by divorce. Spouses need to sort everything out and decide. People have already come a long way together, there is a lot in common. But often here spouses can go to different rooms. Reduce the number of touch points. Move away from each other.

Top recommendation for at this stage: find more general activities. Grandchildren, trips, friends, going to the theater or cinema. Often, the relationship between spouses in retirement is strongly connected to how the previous years went. What personal qualities do husband and wife have? How significant the events of their lives were, it is worth searching and remembering what brought them together all these years, what brought them joy. What joint activities make you happy?

Of course, it is important to understand that all stages are rather conditional. The first children can appear after 10 years of marriage. Therefore, it is difficult to identify any age restrictions. The age of marriage, the period before the birth of the first child, and the number of children are important. But in any family there are turning points - crises. They are inevitable. They are associated with logical changes in the relationships of partners. “Getting in”, “first child”, “empty nest” - all these changes are a reason for the family to reconsider their views, to get closer, and to show patience. Any crisis can be overcome independently or with the help of a specialist if there is mutual understanding between people and a desire to continue the relationship.

Family dynamics are changes in its structure and functions depending on the stages of life. The family is not a static entity; it develops over time. The development of a family is reflected in the phases of its life cycle (LC). Typically, research into life history begins with the study of family formation during courtship and marriage. After this, in most cases, it first expands due to the children growing in it, and then contracts when the children leave home to enter into independent life.

E. Duval in 1950 was the first to publish work on the problems of family development and divided the life cycle into eight stages associated with development.
0. Engagement. Meeting of future spouses, their emotional attraction to each other.
1. Married couples without children. Objectives of the stage: to form a marital relationship that satisfies both spouses; resolve issues related to pregnancy and desire to become parents; enter the circle of relatives.
2. The appearance of children in the family (child’s age is up to 2.5 years). Stage tasks: adaptation to the situation of the birth of a child, care for the proper development of infants; organization of family life that satisfies both parents and children.
3. Family with preschool children (age of the eldest child is from 2.5 to 6 years). Objectives of the stage: adaptation to the basic needs and inclinations of children, taking into account the need to promote their development; overcoming difficulties associated with fatigue and lack of personal space.
4. Families with children - junior schoolchildren (age of older ones - from 6 to 13 years). Objectives of the stage: joining families with school-age children; encouraging children to achieve academic success.
5. Families with teenagers (the eldest child is from 13 to 20 years old). Objectives of the stage: establishing a balance in the family between freedom and responsibility; creating a circle of interests for spouses that are not related to parental responsibilities and solving career problems.
6. The departure of young people from the family (from the departure of the first child to the moment when the youngest leaves home). Objectives of the stage: ritualization of the liberation of young people from parental care; maintaining the spirit of support as the basis of the family.
7. Average age of parents (from “empty nest” to retirement). Stage tasks: restructuring of marital relationships; maintaining family ties with the older and younger generations.
8. Aging of family members (from retirement to death of both spouses). Stage tasks: adaptation to retirement; addressing bereavement and living alone; maintaining family ties and adapting to old age.

As a family passes from stage to stage, it experiences natural developmental crises, similar to those experienced by the organism, personality and social groups in their development. In contrast to situational ones, stress associated with developmental crises is defined in the literature as “normative”. It is at these points that the previous methods of achieving goals used in the family no longer satisfy the new needs that have arisen among its members. Studies of lifelong life cycles have shown that in moments of normative stress, families often return to earlier models of functioning (the “regression” mechanism) or stop in their development, fixing themselves at a certain stage (the “fixation” mechanism). Therefore, it was concluded that it is necessary to carefully study the transition periods from one stage of the life cycle to another. Often, family problems turn out to be associated not with any external stress factor, but with regression and fixation in the previous phase of life history.

Researchers attach more importance to the following transition periods.
0-1. Taking on marital obligations.
1-2. Spouses mastering parental roles.
2-3. Acceptance of the fact of a new personality appearing in the family.
3-4. Inclusion of children in external social structures (children's institutions).
4-5. Acceptance of the fact that a child is entering adolescence.
5-6. Family experimentation with adolescent independence.
6-7. The departure of children from the family and the need for spouses to be alone again.
7-8. Acceptance of the fact of retirement and old age.

LVC can also be described by considering the family as a system of several generations that mutually influence each other. In this regard, E. Carter and M. McGoldrick identified the following six stages of life cycle.
1. Early adulthood in the absence of attachments. The main tasks of the stage are choosing a profession and a spouse. To solve them, it is necessary to go through the process of gradual separation of the young man from the parental family through the achievement of emotional maturity and the development of self-identity. Prolonged dependence and excessive attachment to parents force a young person to choose a profession and a spouse based on parental expectations. In cases of acute emotional rupture with family, decisions are often made out of contradiction or by chance. The situation is also aggravated by parents' excessive attachment to their children, which can interfere with their separation (for example, when children stabilize an unhappy marriage). There are also frequent cases when parents, at the time of their children’s departure, are busy with problems of the illness or death of their own parents, and then another departure emotionally wounds them and causes protest.
2. Acquisition of new relatives as a result of marriage. By marriage, young people join two complex and extended parental systems. Now the spouses must not only adapt to each other, but also understand which traditions of their parent families should be preserved and which ones should be created anew. It is also necessary to reconsider your relationships with parents, brothers, sisters and other relatives. Connecting with your spouse's family is one of the most difficult aspects of mutual adjustment. If spouses break off relations with their parents' families, they become very susceptible to each other, losing the opportunity to react to the accumulated tension in the family of origin. If one or both spouses are overly attached to the parental family, this can also create difficulties in their relationship, since the parents' opinions may dominate their own; there is a possibility that parents will directly interfere in the life of a young family.

3. Family with small children. The appearance of new relatives and children also brings tension into family life. Firstly, the birth of a child often leads to cooling between spouses of the type: “raising children leaves little time for oneself.” Secondly, the child’s strong emotional closeness to his mother weakens her bond with his father. Constantly accumulating fatigue and apathy prevent the achievement of agreement both in relations between spouses and in matters of education. Help from grandparents, the birth of a second child, and the formation of a sibling subsystem partially help reduce tension. The tasks at the stage of raising a child are to stabilize relationships in a young family, coordinate the conflicting needs of each member and mutual support.
4. Family with teenage children. The presence of a teenager as a family member encourages his loved ones to abandon a number of family traditions or revise them. The family faces the need to learn how to constructively resolve conflicts between parents and teenage children. Control is freedom. Parental responsibility is a shared responsibility. Social values ​​are purely speculative values. Stability - variability. Striving for peace and quiet - discussing problems (including openly expressing criticism). A meaningful life is a refusal of obligations. Success awaits the family if it encourages the teenager's independence, but opposes permissiveness. The degree to which a teenager is prepared for life in most families is determined by his ability to avoid drunkenness, drug addiction, sexually transmitted diseases, early pregnancy and other behavioral deviations. There are many factors that prevent a family from understanding a teenager’s problems (an unsuccessful marriage of parents and their attempts to find a loved one outside the family, too much work at work, the need to care for elderly or sick relatives, etc.). In all these cases, the teenager feels that he is not interested in him, he is not trusted, he is judged - and becomes lonely, depressed and hostile.

5. The departure of children from the family and the future life of the spouses. When children leave, the physical and emotional responsibilities of the family change. Giving up parental roles sometimes gives spouses a feeling of liberation, the opportunity to fulfill their cherished desires and realize their hidden potential. However, in other cases it can destroy the family, leading to parents' feelings of loss and disintegration. The situation is complicated by the incapacity or death of the grandparents - the spouses become the oldest generation in the family and must adapt to this state of affairs.
6. Family at the end of life. Too close proximity between elderly spouses often brings unnecessary tension into their relationship. This aggravates the problems of aging: adaptation to retirement, narrowing of social connections, illness, death of one of the spouses. Old age and illness make older people dependent on those who care for them. Family can provide support to an elderly lonely person. But often his interference in the lives of other generations is a destabilizing factor and can even destroy their family life.

The study of life history shows that adaptation to transitional periods of development is often painful, destabilizes the life of a family in three generations and acts as a cause of its dysfunction.

Family functions are the sphere of family activity directly related to meeting the specific needs of all members.

1. The educational function of the family is to satisfy individual needs for fatherhood and motherhood, contacts with children, their upbringing, and self-realization in children. In relation to society, it ensures the socialization of the younger generation and the training of new members of society.

2. The economic and household function is to satisfy the social and material needs of family members (food, shelter), and helps maintain their health.

3. The emotional function of the family is the satisfaction of its members’ needs for sympathy, respect, recognition, emotional support, psychological protection, and also ensures the emotional stabilization of members of society, helping to preserve their psychological health.

4. Spiritual (cultural) social function - meeting the needs for joint leisure activities, mutual spiritual enrichment.

5. The function of primary social control is to ensure the fulfillment of social norms by family members, especially by those who, due to various circumstances, cannot independently build their behavior in accordance with social norms.

6. Sexual and erotic functions - satisfying the sexual and erotic needs of family members. From the point of view of society, it is important how the family regulates the sexual and erotic behavior of family members, ensuring the biological reproduction of society.

Over time, changes occur in family functions: some are lost, others change in accordance with new social conditions. In modern society, the importance of such functions as emotional, sexual, educational, and spiritual has increased significantly. Marriage is increasingly seen as a union based on emotional connections, rather than economic and material ones.

In the modern world, the family, in addition to traditional functions, namely educational and reproductive, has begun to serve as a psychological refuge - a place for relieving stress and creating emotional comfort. This is especially true for young couples, because creating a favorable psychological climate in the family is the key to further successful family life.

Stages of family development

In the first “honey” year of marriage, as psychologists’ studies show, 37% of married couples claim that the attitude towards their life partner has become more strict, 29% note an increased number of disagreements. The perception of each other changes, a reassessment occurs. Marriage is a dynamic picture; it begins with the idealization of one’s partner and relationship with him. This is replaced by disappointment (the more so, the greater the charm was), then only the settlement of relations begins. Almost half of those surveyed said that such dynamics were unexpected for them and much more difficult than they expected.

So, family life naturally falls apart, according to N.I. Olifirovich, T.A. Zinkevich - Kuzemkina and T.F. Velenta, in several stages. At each of them, the family faces specific tasks, and their solution requires united, coordinated efforts.

1. A-stage. A young family without children during the formation of a relationship. It begins on the day of marriage and ends when the wife notifies her husband that she is preparing to become a mother. The main task of the family is to form the image of “WE”, learn to live as a single whole, adapt to each other in conditions of limited freedom, and be able to express their feelings in the language of family life.

B-stage. A young married couple expecting their first child. The main thing here is to adapt to the new responsibilities and feelings associated with pregnancy.

Stage 2. Formation of a family.

The main task is the adaptation of spouses to the role of parents, the reorganization of family relationships taking into account the needs of the infant and preschooler.

Stage 3. Stabilization or raising children.

The task of the spouses is to raise children of preschool and teenage age, preparing them for independent life.

Stage 4. An elderly couple living separately from their adult children.

It begins with the departure of the last of the children from the parental home, and ends with the death of one of the spouses. On this day, this family ends its life cycle.

Naturally, the description of the stage is only a diagram, since division is possible only in a one-child family. If there are two or more children, stages overlap.

V.A. Sysenko grouped all marriages as follows:

1. Very young: from 0 to 4 years.

2. Young: 5-9 years old.

3. Average: 10-19 years.

4. Elderly: 20 or more.

Very young marriages are characterized by initial entry into each other’s world, the distribution of labor and responsibilities in the family, the solution of financial, housing and problems related to the management of a common household and everyday life, entry into the roles of husband and wife, growing up and maturation. This period of married life is the most difficult and dangerous from the point of view of family stability.

Young marriages are characterized by problems associated with the birth and raising of children, tension in the time budget, a sharp limitation of leisure, and an increase in physical and nervous fatigue. All this is superimposed on love and the formation of marital friendship.

Psychologically, the essence of these two stages comes down to the complex and diverse process of adaptation of spouses to each other and to a joint lifestyle. It is known, unfortunately, that 65% of divorces occur in the first 10 years of marriage. And according to the classification of V.A. Sysenko, this is typical for “very young” marriages.

Therefore, the adaptation of spouses in a moral sense is especially important; this involves discussing and understanding the mutual actions of the spouses in terms of “for the family - against the family,” as well as the consistent and purposeful merging of two “I”s into one “we”, merging, with a qualitative improvement in “we” " benefits each of the "I".

Family life crises

E.G. Eidemiller believes that so-called “normative stressors” pass through the stages of life, i.e. ordinary difficulties that are acutely experienced by all families, for example, the work of mutual adjustment, forming relationships with relatives, raising and caring for a child, and running a household. The combination of these difficulties at certain points in the life cycle leads to family crises. Of undoubted interest are the studies of Czech scientists who have established two “critical” moments in family life.

A). Between the 3rd and 7th years of family development.

The critical moment reaches its greatest severity in the period between the 4th and 6th years. The leading role is played by changes in emotional relationships, an increase in the number of conflict situations, and an increase in tension (as manifestations of difficulties in restructuring emotional relationships between spouses, a reflection of everyday and other difficulties).

B). Between 17 and 25 years old.

The leading role is played by the increase in somatic complaints, anxiety, and emptiness of life associated with the separation of children from their families.

Identifying crisis periods in the life of a family is important, especially in order to prevent the emergence of a crisis.

How long will the economic crisis last? People are interested in the reasons and ways to get out of it, worrying about their quality of life. But for some reason they don’t learn to understand psychology. Although understanding the patterns of the family life cycle is more important than material aspects.

Any family, as a social system, also goes through stages, and the transitions between them are precisely crises. From which they come out with both losses and victories.

Stages of family life and crises

A family, like an organism, goes through cycles: birth, formation, development. Family disintegration can occur at any stage, but is most likely during the transformation of intrafamily relationships to which members of the “social unit” are not ready to adapt.

Family life cycle - the history of family events and relationships. Stages are a set of significant episodes. Back in 1948, psychologists E. Duval and R. Hill spoke about 24 periods of development of family relationships. Subsequently, the cycles were reduced to seven important stages. What do you need to know about natural turning points in family life?

First crisis - young family

The first crisis awaits the young family. It’s not for nothing that the year since the wedding is popularly called the “Cintz wedding,” which implies the fragility and vivid diversity of the spouses’ relationship. The dissimilarity of characters, habits, and principles create a kaleidoscope of happy moments and “grinding” quarrels. The same phenomena occur in civilian families. Sometimes this cycle stretches to five years.
What happens more will determine what the exit from the first crisis period will be. Negotiations and agreements are the main weapon at the stage of a developing family, so that... If you manage to find compromises, learn to smooth out contradictions, stop in time when anger begins to speak, not reason, help each other, and not infantilely shift responsibilities, then family life will transform into a new quality.

The birth of the first child

The birth of the first child is considered a difficult turning point. When a family moves from a childless couple to the status of a full family, the concentration on each other is broken. And building relationships in which a new participant has appeared requires wisdom and patience on both sides. For this, it is important that the emotional attachment of the spouses develops into friendship. Otherwise, everyone will focus on their own problems and claims.
Sometimes a woman believes that she will receive the lack of love from her husband from her baby. But, faced with the responsibilities of a mother, she becomes depressed, realizing that she has to “give” more again. Therefore, the birth of a child should be approached carefully and together prepared for a new stage in the family.

A woman goes through enormous stress: physical, hormonal, psychological. A man too, but his task is to understand the state of his wife and not to oppose his functions as a “breadwinner” to those of his parents. After all, a father is also a parent. At this stage of life, the ability to help each other is important.

If there were contradictions before the birth of the baby, they become aggravated. Therefore, one should not think that a newborn will breathe life into a broken relationship, although this sometimes happens. But more often, problems put on pause will make themselves felt again in the next crisis period.

Crisis of 3 years

Which occurs when the child reaches three years of age. At the stage of families with preschoolers 3-6 years old, mothers return from maternity leave to work. In addition to household responsibilities, professional ones appear. New stresses arise on both spouses. The feeling that there is simply no personal life leads to depression and nervousness.

The baby is acclimatizing to kindergarten. The introduction of a nanny or grandmother into the family also entails a number of issues: the problem of uniform requirements for the child’s behavior, preparation for school, preschool development.

Rebuilding your lifestyle in this cycle without succumbing to natural stress is not an easy task, but it is doable. If you realize that it will become easier when everything “gets on track.” Control negative emotions, conduct dialogues and strive for harmony. Friendship must transform into respect and complete acceptance of a partner with all his shortcomings.

Crisis of couples with children 6-12 years old

A married couple with children aged 6-12 attending school - a middle-aged family - realizes for the first time that their firstborn will sooner or later leave them. And spouses have different attitudes towards the prospect of being alone with each other.

At this stage of life, the crisis stages of family members intersect: the birth of a second child, loss of a job or moving to another place, a midlife crisis in men, illnesses of the older generation.

An increase in spending adds elements of a financial crisis in the family, which contributes to an imbalance in the system of relationships.

Another reason for the crisis is that the product of joint “nurturing” is on display and the parents’ mistakes become obvious. Checking the effectiveness of upbringing reveals intra-family contradictions and conflicts for outsiders.

Combining career and education is not always possible to harmonize. Distortions affect the state of mind of all family members directly or indirectly.

Ideally, at this stage of full knowledge of each other, true love for the partner comes. But if relationships in previous life cycles have not been finalized, mutual claims do not allow one to act as a “united front” against problems. And most often, in terms of psychological atmosphere, a middle-aged family is the most anxious and turbulent stage of the entire life cycle. Because “satiation” with each other sets in, and a thirst for new sensations and emotions arises.

Teen crisis

When the eldest child grows up, most parents begin. The stage of family life with older teenage children is a crisis stage due to the children reaching puberty and the challenges associated with this process. And also with the ongoing physiological and psychological changes of the married couple themselves. Re-evaluating life experiences opens your eyes to missed opportunities. You take your own failures out on your partner. Men can look elsewhere for confirmation of their masculinity and wealth.

Maintaining hierarchy in the family is possible if a flexible system of rules is built and intra-family communication is established.

Children leave their father's house

The stage when children leave their parents' home forces spouses to evaluate their relationship without children. The nature of relationships with children striving for independence is changing. Revising your life routine, changing your habits and rhythm causes tension. This is especially true for non-working women, whose sense of self-worth is undermined if motherhood was their main activity and self-expression. Only the ability to fill the void with other activities will help you survive the crisis at this stage.

The “empty nest” stage

The “empty nest” stage . 50% of couples divorce when they realize that they no longer have anything to do with each other. Age-related deterioration in health, retirement, or a loved one cause crisis experiences. The common interests of the spouses can survive them. It's not worth living the life of grown-up children. After all, finally, you can devote all your time to each other.

The loss of one partner is the next crisis of the same life cycle. The solution will be to build new relationships with the families of adult children and grandchildren. Focus on further work or. It is also possible to create a new family.

Additional causes of family crises:

Treason.
Change in income level. And even if they grow.
Serious and long-term illnesses.
Change in family composition: death of one of the members, arrival of parents.
Changes in lifestyle, sudden changes, moving.
Force majeure: military actions, political disagreements.

When spouses realize the stages of development of family relationships, they understand that feelings do not pass away, but take on a renewed form. Each cycle has its own meaning. No strong relationship is possible without crises. By going through them, a person becomes mature, grows spiritually and hardens.

Crisis management is about changing to fit the role in new circumstances and helping your partner accept these changes. To emerge from a family crisis to a new level of mutual assistance and understanding by establishing relationships that are appropriate to the situation. If partners do not want to change, then alienation increases with every tension and will inevitably lead to the breakup of the family.

Signs of a crisis in the family

Not every quarrel is a crisis. Competition, anger, irritation and in a completely prosperous period. And moments of crisis do not always manifest themselves in quarrels. There are so many life stories in which an outwardly calm married couple quietly and almost peacefully separated.

In addition to scandals and mutual discontent, there are other signs of a crisis in the family:

Lack of mutual understanding and common opinion on any life issues.
Nullification of intimate life.
Spouses do not try to please each other.
All questions concerning children.
Partners get irritated for any reason.
One spouse constantly defers to the other's opinion. Because of this.
“Family psychopathy” - when there is no empathy and understanding of the feelings of another.
The desire to share your experiences, joys and problems disappears.
The husband and wife do not communicate and spend time at work or outside the family.

The main thing is to understand in time that discord is a component of a new stage in marital relations.

How to cope with a family crisis

If you realize that your couple is going through a crisis, this is half the success in getting out of it successfully. How to cope with a family crisis and take relationships to another level?

Communicate. Talk through all the problems and mutual complaints one by one.
State the general rules and distribute responsibilities.
Come to a compromise, that is, to a result that suits everyone.
Know how to apologize if you realize you made a mistake. . If you are not ready, then instead of ignoring, explain your condition and reschedule the conversation.
Don't criticize your partner in front of witnesses.
When expressing complaints, avoid insults and generalizations.
Don't provoke your partner. If he is already in , help him.
Don't do anything rash. Avoid hasty decisions.
Look at your partner with new eyes, find new points of contact.
Contact a psychologist.

Only with the cooperation of spouses, a mutual desire to preserve the relationship and transfer it to a different quality, do they emerge from crises renewed and united. Don't give up, work on yourself, do everything you can in every life cycle to save. To be winners, not losers.