There have been, are and will be problems with teenage children. Rapid physical growth and puberty cause a crisis, which creates difficulties in teaching and raising a teenager. What should parents do if their child flatly refuses to study? After all, this period falls on an important stage of learning. Teenagers must decide on their future profession and take the first important steps in their future adult life.

Why children in adolescence do not want to study: we understand the reasons

“Until grades 6-7, my son studied well. In the diary - only A's, from teachers - continuous praise. And suddenly, for no apparent reason, the desire to study disappeared, the computer and the street were on my mind. I do not know what to do?"— many parents are concerned about these kinds of problems at some point in their lives.

Before you panic or blame someone for this situation, you need to understand what causes such a persistent reluctance to learn.

Psychologists identify several main reasons why teenagers refuse to study:

1. Puberty.
2. Rapid physical growth.
3. Heart problems as a consequence of physical growth.
4. Change of emotional background.

How does puberty affect children's learning?

During puberty, the process of excitation is quite rapid, but inhibition, on the contrary, is slow. In this regard, any little thing can turn a young man on, irritate him, and make him nervous. It's not easy to calm down. Naturally, in such a state it is very difficult to master the educational material.

Rapid physical growth of a teenager

Rapid physical development causes the child's bones to grow disproportionately. Result: constant fatigue, rapid fatigue.

The reason for fatigue sometimes lies in the heart

Many people begin to complain of heart pain because the heart does not have time to grow. Heart spasms cause problems with oxygen supply to the brain. Therefore, children begin to think poorly, their attention is scattered, and their memory is weak.

Emotional instability of adolescents

Against the background of hormonal surges, adolescents are often emotionally unstable, that is, they are susceptible to psychosis and loss of mood. These signs are especially pronounced in girls due to.

Ideally, you and your son (daughter) should visit a psychologist . However, we understand that due to various circumstances, not everyone has this opportunity.

How to correctly explain why you need to study? Or, perhaps, it’s correct: “if you don’t want to, don’t study” - what position should parents take?

Here is how psychologist from St. Petersburg Daria Grankina comments on the situation:

You can instill a taste for learning in anyone at any age. A teenager needs to be provided with a range of knowledge about his future life. Explain cause and effect relationships. But it’s not worth saying that if he doesn’t study algebra, he’ll wash the toilets in the reserved seat, although someone should do that too. We must give the child knowledge, resources and alternatives. Knowledge is not dry facts, but as a process of understanding this world. The alternative is that the child can and should try his best in everything, explore. With resources, it’s clear what we’re talking about. Of course, this is not complete freedom, but careful accompaniment.

Can we motivate to study? To motivate = to manipulate, but that’s not what we want. Therefore, money, persuasion and threats are not an effective method.

A teenager at this age has a lot of questions about society and the world. Who am I, why am I, what awaits me, what awaits the country, how to live correctly...? And of course they are not so strange that they do not understand that they still need to learn. But school is a routine job, and inside there are other problems torn apart.

There is another important aspect: does the child not want to study or CAN’T do it? Perhaps we need to lower our expectations and understand that a 5 is not always good, a rating of 3 is also good. We must understand that to study, we must study. This is both a regime and a system. If this hasn’t happened since elementary school, then perhaps you need to streamline your and your child’s schedule right now.

In general, in everything that concerns children, you need to start therapy with yourself. For example, take any courses yourself, be it computer, knitting or Latin. This will show your ability to adapt to new trends and desire to learn new things, your openness to the world. Remembering yourself at this age is very useful. Start going with your child to a museum, planetarium, zoo, and finally, read a book in the evening. You can start softly and from afar, go with your child to a concert, to the cinema to see a new film, ask him to explain what the essence of his computer game is. This is already communication, this is already an exchange of information, which implies feedback from you and interesting dialogues that stimulate the child for cognitive activity. Under no circumstances should you give up or bury your head in the sand. This is your child and you can help him. You can work with this.

How can parents determine why a teenager does not want to study?

So, parents are faced with the problem: “I don’t want to study.” How to proceed?

First you need to find out what is the main reason:

• Why do you need to study?

Very often the reason lies on the surface, and sometimes we don’t see it or don’t want to see it. The teenager does not understand why he needs to study. In fact, my mother is so smart, she has two higher educations, but she works for a meager salary at school. But Aunt Masha, an acquaintance from a neighboring cottage, drives a foreign car, flies to Paris every year, and was a poor student at school. A little exaggerated picture, but still.

Parents should systematically, using living examples, explain to their child the benefits of learning, draw future prospects for him: the opportunity to look at the world, study cultures, languages, make great discoveries, and have an interesting profession.

• Relationships with teachers and peers

Reluctance to learn may be related to relationships with peers or teachers. All children are different in character, temperament, and level of upbringing. At school they will have to not only learn subjects, but also norms of behavior, learn to live in a team, and establish contact with the outside world. Unfortunately, not everyone succeeds smoothly. Naturally, if a student feels uncomfortable at school, is offended, laughed at or not noticed, he will not have a desire to learn .

• Family well-being

Inevitably, a child's performance in school is affected by family well-being, or lack thereof.

Quarrels between parents and immoral behavior of adult family members negatively affect the student’s behavior and his perception of the surrounding reality.

“Bad company” can cause a decrease in a teenager’s academic performance and... This happens because you can become part of a street crowd only if you “study up” (sorry for the slang).

• Hyperactivity in a teenager

The child shows extreme intolerance to learning and cannot concentrate on lessons due to hyperactivity.

• Gadget addiction

One of the reasons for the fading interest in school is an excessive passion for modern technology.

The dependence of teenagers (and not only) on all kinds of gadgets, immersion in the virtual world, satiety with unnecessary information from the outside isolates them from the uninteresting process of learning at school.

What to do if a 13-15 year old teenager does not want to study: advice from a psychologist

Sometimes we, our family and friends, out of good intentions, make such serious mistakes in relation to our children that we only worsen the situation. Experienced psychologists, based on a systematic study of adolescent behavior, have come up with several good tips and rules that should be followed when establishing contact with a child aged 13-15 years.

Everything is very clear and simple, the main thing is to follow the rules regularly:

• Provide your child with such a work and rest schedule so that he can spend time outdoors every day. This could be walking, jogging or cycling. At this time, the brain receives oxygen, the child is charged with positive energy, and the body receives the amount of physical activity it needs.
• Sleep is the main assistant . Make it a rule to sleep at least 8-9 hours a day. Nothing restores memory and attention like a good night's sleep.
• Distribute your school load . The child should not be overtired. If your child has just returned from school, do not burden him with lessons, give him 1-1.5 minutes to rest.
• Your child has grown up and wants to appear grown up. , often impertinent, shows his tough temper. But he still remains your child and needs simple friendly communication. Contact should not be reduced to routine questions: “How are you?”, “Do you want to eat?” etc. Put things aside and talk. Show that you are interested in the life of your son (daughter) as a full member of the family and do not consider him an unreasonable child. Even in response to his insolence, show tact and restraint. This is precisely what distinguishes us, adults, formed individuals.
• Children at this age remember interesting material well. . Therefore, advice from psychologists to both parents and teachers: get your child interested in the subject. And then he will happily go to class, and his studies will turn into an exciting journey into the world of science.
• If the reason is a conflict with classmates, a teacher , and the conflict is not resolved positively, it is better to change teachers or schools if possible, so as not to aggravate the situation.
• In case of problems with mastering a specific subject You can hire a tutor or help your child fill in the gaps yourself.

Don't deny problems by pretending that you don't notice them. In fact, today's reluctance to learn can develop into much more serious problems if left unchecked.

Children feel the attitude of adults very keenly . Just lose your attention for a moment and you will miss the teenager. Every parent knows and feels their child like no one else. It is impossible to fit the behavior of any teenager into general patterns.

Each person, depending on their temperament, social structure, and specific situation, requires an individual approach.

Child age: 16 years

Hello. We have a problem with our daughter, we can’t handle it ourselves, so I’m looking for help from a specialist. My daughter has now entered college after 9th grade, which is in another city. We ourselves live in a village, there were no other options. He lives with a girl, we rent an apartment. We took this step because my daughter was never drawn to studying; from the first grade we had problems with lessons, and with health, and with desire.

We were afraid that we wouldn’t pass the Unified State Exam, because... we end up in a foreign language, but we don’t get along with it at all. And my daughter, she is a creative person, she always creates something, does handicrafts, constantly comes up with something and finds new things, both in creativity and in the field of beauty - this is what interests her, so we found a profession that is more suitable for her - designer. I entered the paid program because... There weren’t enough points for the budget, but she took the exam (drawing), the competition was big, but she did it. We hoped that he would study there, complete some additional courses, since the city has all this, but we don’t have anything like that at all, and then he will grow up and make his own decisions.

But my daughter didn’t really want to study further at all, she just wanted to complete a hairdressing course or some other course, there was no exact certainty, but we insisted that education was necessary at least after college, and she didn’t resist, because she was eager to get into Tyumen, and the college is good and the profession is interesting, at first she was interested. Of course, we were afraid to let her go, but she is an independent girl: although she has her own cockroaches in her head, she can stand up for herself, and in principle, she is a person with a head, she thinks like an adult and has always strived for independence.

In general, what is happening now. We finished the first half of the year with almost no problems, but in the second half of the year they overtook us. Alina broke up with her boy, with whom she had been friends for 2 years, but she seems to say that she is not very worried, but I doubt it, because after that terrible absenteeism began, we even wanted to pick her up, but the curator insisted that there was no need, she herself will look after her.

But after that Alina got sick and had to go on sick leave (for about 2 weeks), then she went out, but there she got sick again and seriously: a urinary tract infection. Treatment was prescribed immediately, but it was decided that Alina would be in Tyumen and study at the same time. But we didn’t succeed because she had terrible attacks and she couldn’t leave the apartment. In general, this whole story lasted for a month and a half, of course, she could then at least go to the teachers to take assignments, but her daughter simply did not go, we talked every day and everything was useless.

Now she has recovered, the attacks have passed, but she doesn’t go to college, every morning something happens: terrible insomnia, painful periods, crying all night, acne all over her face, allergies, and time goes on and on. She is in last place in the class in terms of academic performance, she has a lot of debts, but they are waiting for her there until she is expelled, they said that we are waiting. We are all already tortured, we don’t know what to do, how to communicate with her. Her father came to see her, but she didn’t even let him into the apartment, she was afraid that he would take her, he sat under the windows in the car all night, her daughter did not come out to him.

I went to see her and talked to her so many times. When you start swearing at her, she doesn’t get in touch at all, hangs up and that’s it, when for good reason it’s still somehow the same. Now we have given her until the end of the month to recover in college. A week and a half has already passed - there is no sense, there are 5 days left. When we talked lately, my daughter said she wanted to go to college, and on Friday she scared me. It turns out that she recently took a course in eyebrow shaping with henna, she says she earned the money herself, did manicures for girls (she does this sometimes, she knows how, she taught herself), and wants to hack. I praised her, of course, and scolded her a little.

But then I began to fear whether she still wanted to quit college and do what she wanted. I then wrote her a letter, but not a rude one, that she needs to get an education, that if she studies, we will help her with courses, that we will not allow her to live in the city without college, since she is still small, she will have to go back to 10th grade .

In general, there was no response. She doesn’t pick up the phone for two days, she writes on Viber that everything is fine and that’s all. There are 5 days left, and we will need to take her out of the city, I’m afraid of this time, I don’t know what will happen. And I don’t know how to motivate her to go to college - it seems to me that I’ve tried everything. And she simply won’t go to the 10th. This is the situation we have, we don’t know what to do. Sorry for the mistakes, I’m writing from my phone, it’s not convenient.

Love

Hello, Love!

Honestly, I don't know how to motivate your daughter to finish college either. I don't think anyone knows. Judging by your letter, the idea of ​​college was yours; your daughter did not show much zeal in mastering the profession. Essentially, you directed her, but she did not. It happens often. The daughter is already an adult and decides for herself how to build her life. The only way to “motivate” is economic, financial dependence. If you support your daughter, you dictate the rules. This needs to be formulated quite directly, but at the same time in such a way as not to humiliate the child. Just like some kind of “law of life”: whoever pays sets the conditions. If you don’t like the conditions, you need to earn money for your “wants” yourself.

But it looks like your daughter is able to do it. And moreover, her life situations, both with a young man and with her studies, in which she does not see much sense, put her on the brink (or even beyond) of depression - this needs to be given a lot of attention, this is very serious. Because the sooner depression and its earliest signs are identified, the easier it is to cure it and protect it from this disaster for life. By the way, powerlessness, apathy and reluctance to learn, whims and hysterics can be dictated by a depressive state. It’s not your daughter’s fault: the trigger may be emotional shock, mental stress due to hormonal changes and overwork. There is a wonderful project that informs teenagers and parents about depression - “You are not alone” http://perekrestok.info/project/ti-ne-odin/ This is a common problem that, fortunately, is well treated in our time.

The next problems that need to be solved are overprotection (on your part) and the associated low independence of your daughter. We must give her credit, she is trying in every possible way to win this independence. If you let her develop on her own now - let it be by trial and error, complete hairdressing courses, for example, and work in the beauty industry or wherever she decides, earn her own money and decide for herself where to go further to study - but only then, when she herself wants and makes a conscious choice, it will be wonderful. This is not an easy decision: we are accustomed to the fact that a child must receive at least some kind of “serious” education. Fortunately, times are changing: now it is quite decent to work in “simple” jobs and develop at your own pace and in your own direction. Yes, it is difficult for parents to be proud of their children’s academic achievements, but they have the opportunity to be proud of their independence and work success. And how happy children are with their self-earned money, how inspired they are when they gain independence and get on their feet! Your daughter is able to achieve independent results, move in small steps towards the goal - this is an important quality, very adaptive. I think you don’t have to worry about your daughter’s future, you just need to rule out depression or help her cope with it.

It can be difficult for us to accept the growing up of our children, to change our relationships with them, our lives and routines. A qualified professional can help you navigate your daughter's teenage years with care and efficiency.

Margarita Lopukhina,
Psychologist of the portal “I am a parent”

Hello! I wrote it very long, sorry if it’s difficult to read and thank you if you can manage it!)

My daughter is 16 years old. I was divorced 10 years ago, but I have been in a successful marriage for 8 years and have a youngest child from my second husband. Our daughter lives with us. She communicates freely with her father, spends her holidays with him and besides this communicates with him, he provides financially, I have good friendly relations with him - in general, an idyll. However, there are a whole bunch of problems.

The most important thing is that my girl is very complex in character. She has a personality disorder of the cyclothymic type, anyone in the know will understand. The attacks occur regularly twice a year, lasting 2-3 months. In the past there were huge problems with socialization, but now, thank God, they have somehow been leveled out. But in general, this feature leaves an imprint on character, on the way of thinking and perception of the world, plus adolescence. She is in eternal opposition to the world, in place and out of place, with or without reason - everything must be voiced, every thought. Constant philosophizing, exhausting conversations based on every little thing that happened in her life, will take out her whole soul. But I am aware of all the events in her life, I know every corner of her soul, oh)

Further. We have not lived in Russia since our daughter was 10 years old, but a year later we are moving back (this is due to my husband’s work). Where we live, education is absolutely zero, it practically does not exist. If in general the level of the school curriculum is mediocre, then the absence of any demand from students reduces this minimum to complete zero. There is no homework, they don’t ask you to learn by heart, the tests are some kind of bullshit in the form of a test, there are no essays, and there is nothing at all, so that God forbid they bother the kids. I understand that after such training in Russia we will not get into school. I don’t even know where we should go in Russia with such baggage ((We decided here to get a certificate for the 9th grade at the local embassy school. To do this, we need to go through two stages of testing in form of exams for each subject and upon successful completion of these two stages, take the OGE directly. We purchased all the necessary textbooks, we are studying at home according to plan. But it is unbearably difficult!!! It is difficult for everyone - my daughter and us, parents. My husband and I have to do the entire program ourselves refresh your memory, read, decide in order to explain to your daughter. The volume is huge, in some subjects the level is quite high (or so it seems compared to local education), my daughter does everything under pressure, with difficulty, we don’t fit into the schedule. In her mind, she understands that she needs it, but she can’t pull herself together and force herself.

Plus, she fell in love with some guy from Russia, whom she saw only a couple of times last summer, they corresponded all year and all her thoughts are about him. She is eager to see him, she wanted to go to her father during the holidays so that she could spend time with her beloved, but here we are with our studies. I can’t let her go for the whole summer, because I have to prepare, she’ll only go for 1 month. She perceives this as a tragedy, organizes a boycott, has stopped any preparations, revels in her “misfortune” and generally stated that she would like to live with her father, but she feels uncomfortable with us, she doesn’t understand us, doesn’t understand our way of thinking, she doesn’t care. alien in our house, feels like a black sheep, etc. I understand that this is all connected with a reluctance to somehow strain, to do something, she was comfortable going with the flow, doing nothing, but then her studies fell apart and it became difficult.
She was offered, in the form of a reward for her work, upon successful completion of each stage, the fulfillment of her two most cherished desires. Well, we also use the whip - we deprive the Internet, telephone, limit communication with friends in case of tails. The whip is a good boost, but only for a while, overall it’s of no use. If only they would fall behind, if only it would become easy again - that’s all she wants.

I do not know what to do. On the one hand, I understand that I need to get by, somehow survive this year, but give it all up. I look at the huge list of children on the website of the embassy school who (or whose parents) also want to get a Russian certificate and think, they somehow manage, why can’t we? On the other hand, I'm terribly tired. I’m tired of my daughter, of her constant discontent, I’m waiting for her from school and every time I’m afraid that now she’ll come back out of sorts and pester me with exhausting conversations. I’m tired of dragging out this study, tired of worrying about her future and at the same time tired of putting pressure on her, finding words to motivate her to study. I’m even ready to let her go to live with her father (((
People, tell me something! Just what would you do or maybe what seems wrong to you from the outside? From the outside it’s always somehow clearer.

My daughter doesn't want to study. Sometimes he is lazy about doing his homework, and sometimes he skips school altogether. All parents face this problem most often in middle and high school. Standard methods of motivation, such as buying ice cream or access to a computer, do not work with an adult daughter. At the age of 14-17, it is quite possible to speak with a student on an equal footing, to describe in all colors the immediate and long-term prospects of an irresponsible attitude towards learning. You can even provide the opportunity to experience all the hardships of an uneducated person in real conditions.

However, increasingly, a lack of desire to learn is observed in little princesses already on the threshold of elementary school. At this stage, it is important to take the right course of child development. And first of all, you need to get to the bottom of the reasons for such educational behavior.

Why is there no desire to study? Mothers and daughters, or what’s wrong with your parenting strategy

The most common factors that create barriers to learning for all children, including girls:

• uninteresting form of presentation of material;
• heavy workload, difficult to study;
• no contact (trust) with the teacher;
• difficulties of adaptation in a children's team;
• pressure from adults, high demands;
• lack of incentive.

The peculiarity of the development of girls is that they attach more importance to human relationships than boys. For this reason, they react emotionally to adult criticism, condemnation, and painfully experience quarrels with friends and parents.

Interest in knowledge begins with a child’s preschool development. During this period, it is important to organize the girl’s developmental space in the most interesting and varied way possible, to create conditions conducive to learning and instilling important habits.

The first step is to reconsider your parenting principles. Believe me, everyone will benefit if you give your baby more freedom, learn to trust her and generously praise her for her small achievements.

1. Look for teaching methods that will help captivate and interest the student.
2. Set clear and, most importantly, achievable goals for your child.
3. Teach your child to learn and overcome difficulties.
4. Make sure that the training is not tedious.
5. Don't forget to praise, encourage, encourage and motivate.
6. Develop with your daughter. In the end, you are the first and most authoritative example for the baby.

How to motivate a child? Developmental lessons in mental arithmetic for daughters and sons

Interest in learning needs to be developed very delicately and from a very early age. Natural childish curiosity, restlessness and liveliness of mind, so characteristic of young students, is the foundation on which intellectual development should be built.

If your daughter has no desire to study, she needs a good incentive and a special approach to learning, which you will find at the Soroban® School of Mental Arithmetic:

• dynamic classes and gaming computer exercises;
• a friendly atmosphere in the training group, conducive to the development of communication skills - a good adaptation experience for any child;
• a special way of communication between teachers and students is cooperation (there is no subordination, demands, pressure);
• quick and clear results that motivate you to new great successes.

The Soroban® mental arithmetic school in Russia strives to give children the best that they can take with them into adulthood: a bright, extraordinary intellect, the will to achieve goals, hard work, communication skills and a great incentive for self-development. Already thousands of parents in Russia and other countries have appreciated all the pros and cons of mental arithmetic, and hundreds of children have received motivation and tools from Soroban® to find beauty and achieve success in mathematics and other complex sciences.

Question for psychologists

Hello! My daughter is 14 years old. She stopped studying completely and doesn’t want to do anything. She is not interested in anything, she doesn’t read books, just to go for a walk. All conversations with her are in vain. He’s rude to me, doesn’t listen, does everything against me.

About us - her father and I divorced 12 years ago, but they communicate, although not often. I’ve had a new husband for 6 years now, who treats my daughter very well, worries about her, and a second child is coming soon. We do everything to ensure that our daughter does not feel unnecessary, deprived of something. But apparently something is wrong. Help not to lose your daughter and find peace and tranquility in the family. Thank you!

Received 5 tips - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Daughter (14 years old) does not want to study, is rude to parents

Hello, Natalia! Your daughter is now in adolescence, which is precisely characterized by protest actions, the desire to assert herself and feel like an adult, and treating her like a child only provokes her to this protest behavior! You should talk to her and differentiate between responsibilities and, accordingly, responsibility for them! Those. give her this independence when she can feel like an adult, and that she is trusted and will be responsible for her decisions herself. For example, entrust her with some work (either around the house or buying groceries) and if she doesn’t do something and doesn’t have time, then there will be no one to blame! At this age there are quite a lot of problems and it is better to correct the situation based on specific situations and recommendations specifically for the individual problem. If you want, you can contact me - at a face-to-face meeting there is more opportunity to collect information of interest, explain the motives for behavior and select individual recommendations - write or call - I will be glad to help you!

Natalia, the girl is already “deprived of something.” This is it. It’s great that she communicates with her father; no matter how wonderful your new husband is, he will not replace his own.

The key event is “the second child will appear soon.” Remember when your daughter started “doing everything in defiance” and other things you described.

Another possible reason for your daughter’s behavior is a possible traumatic experience that you do not know about. For some reason, she does not share her experiences with you, but withdraws into herself. This is especially supported by a sharp change in behavior. Unfortunately, you do not write as it is in your case. I sincerely hope that what is happening to your daughter is a normal teenage period, but to be sure, I recommend an in-person consultation with a psychologist to rule out the above hypothesis about the trauma she has experienced. After all, if this is so, then the sooner you start rehabilitation, the easier the recovery process will be.

I will be glad to help you.

Sincerely, Anastasia Umanskaya.