Question asked by Yulia – Ulyanovsk, Russia

Hello, Marina! Since childhood, I have had a difficult relationship with my mother. She didn't really show her love for me. Now I have my own family, I am a Christian, I have two children. I know that children should be raised with love. But, since I didn’t have an example in my family, I don’t know how to correctly express my love for them. On the one hand, so as not to strangle them with my love, and on the other hand, so that they do not feel the lack of my love for them. Tell me what should I do?

Marina Podorozhnaya answers:

Hello!

There are no institutes or colleges that teach parents how to raise children correctly.

The Earl of Rochester said: “Before my wedding, I had six theories about how to raise children correctly, now I have six children and not a single theory.”

One of the wise men also said: “Being a parent means looking in the mirror and seeing everything that remains to be changed in yourself” (work on yourself).

There are different ways we can express our love to children. They want to know that they are loved unconditionally, regardless of their successes or victories.

If a child lacks your love, then sometimes an indicator of this can be the child’s rebellious behavior when he tries by hook or by crook to attract your attention. Even the cause of physical illness may be a lack of parental attention.

Children not only need to know that we love them, they need to hear it from us and feel loved.

If children are confident in parental love:
- they are confident in their own safety;
- it is easier for them to cope with difficulties and challenges;
- it is easier for them to find friends, they are ready to boldly open up to people, “trust them”;
- they are invulnerable and share their thoughts and feelings;
- they are able to go against the majority, to be different from everyone else;
- they are able to influence people and overcome the negative influence of others.

To understand this issue well and understand how you can express your love, I advise you to read the book “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. He offers five ways to express love: words, time, touch, help, gifts.

Let me explain these five of his theses:
The first way: words (of love, consolation, praise, approval).
- Well done
- You are special
- I'm proud of you
- You are the best and dearest thing in my life
- You're handsome
- I love you

Children think about themselves what they hear about themselves and what we say about them. Of course, if you were deprived of love as a child, then it will not be easy to pass on love to your children, but try and do everything possible on your part. The main thing is to start expressing your love, and one day you will be surprised at how easy and pleasant it is for you to do this.

Second way: time to do something together.
“No level of material well-being can replace the time spent with your father and mother.”
- time to listen
- time to eat together
- time to share interests
- time to relax together
- time for leisure

Remember also, you must have family traditions that will allow you to unite all family members into your family circle.

Example: When children call you at work, when they burst into your office, when they demand attention, and you are with friends, or with a book, or watching TV - find the strength and courage in yourself to switch and give them what they need are in great need.

Third way: touch.
Take your hand, stroke your head, kiss your forehead in the morning - all these touches speak of your love for your child.
I read that in the UK children have sexual intercourse from an early age, and the reason for this is the lack of parental affection that they need.

The fourth way: help.
“Parental duty is sacrifice.”
These are good deeds that we, parents, do, sacrificing something on our part.
When we respond to requests, participate in their activities, and help them succeed, children understand that their parents love them.
Remember that it is important to speak all love languages ​​with your children!!!

Fifth way: gifts are a visible symbol of love.
By giving gifts, we show the person that we have not forgotten about him, and how much we appreciate him or want to comfort him. By giving a gift, we also celebrate his achievement. In addition to the fact that a gift will remind us of us, it will also fill a specific need. But our gifts should not and cannot be a substitute for other expressions of love, such as words, deeds, time or touch.

I tried to briefly summarize these five tips from Gary Chapman in my own words, but I still recommend that you find and read this book! And may the Lord bless you and give you wisdom in raising children.

With the love of God,
Marina Podorozhnaya.

right about me. I didn't have children for a very long time, and I always wanted to give birth. For some reason it seemed to me that I knew how to love, and how could you not love your own baby? But, alas, the baby was born, but love did not happen, and I am very tormented by this. I'm trying, but somehow I can't do it. I would like some practical advice. How not to hurt, how not to injure my baby?” - this is one of the responses to the material, which we published two weeks ago. The headline contained the phrase - a popular request in Yandex. And we are again turned to our expert - psychologist Maria Kuvyrkova.
If you want to learn something, it is very important to want and try. So many people don’t even think about their feelings and emotions, and if you felt a lack of love for your own child, felt a lack of feelings in yourself, like some kind of inferiority, then this is a huge realization. This is the starting point of wanting to become a better parent, a better person.
Therefore, on the path of cultivating love for your child, the main thing is not to lose the desire to become a loving parent, to want and try to overcome difficulties, obstacles, attacks of irritation, powerlessness and hatred, always remember that the more difficulties along the way, the more effort you have to invest in achieving the goal, the more desirable and valuable the result is for us.
Remember how much time you studied to get your specialty, and how much experience you then gained and continue to gain at work in order to grow professionally? Learning to love your neighbor is a similar process: the more feeling you want to experience, the greater the field for self-correction opens up to you.
Therefore, you should not expect an instant transformation. There will always be lows when you are burdened by your child, and highs when you happily fulfill his wishes.
Now try to imagine the final state: you are a loving parent! What do you mean by these words? What does it mean to you to be a loving parent? To be happy with the child, to fulfill his wishes, to satisfy his needs, to enjoy communicating with him, to play games with him with pleasure, to be interested in the child’s life, to sincerely hug and kiss, to want to spend time together, to be patient and understanding, to find the strength to educate and teach?
How does your child imagine a “loving parent”? How does he want to see you? The answers to these questions vary from person to person.
Make a list of qualities and states that you would like to achieve in order to correspond to the image of a “loving parent.” Think and write down how your reactions to your child must change for this to happen.
Read more parenting books that give advice on how to cope with different child developmental differences. Choose the methods that work best for your family. Understanding what is going on with your child and why he behaves this way will allow you to look at his behavior more thoughtfully, solve problems quickly and effectively, and enjoy more the things that are close to you in spirit.
Look for people who could serve as an example of a loving parent, who would be sympathetic to your difficulties with your child, who would help you overcome your emotions and build love in your heart. And be sure to just force yourself to spend time with your child. Let go of all your negative emotions, feel your child: his fragility, vulnerability, dependence on you, his desire to be loved, warm, protected. See how he tries to win your heart - and fulfill this desire.
Choose an activity, a game that is interesting to the child, and completely, with all your heart, immerse yourself in it, become the same child, at least for a moment. And it is these moments that will be your victories, it is these moments that will remain in the child’s heart as the happiest. Despite all the difficulties, he will know that he is loved, and you will feel that you are able to love, that you can do it, you will try again and again. And if today you were able to stay in this game for a second, then in the future, love will come and stay with you forever.
Love is higher than hate - it will cover everything.

Maria Kuvyrkova

Children who feel loved and unique thrive and succeed. It helps them a lot to feel loved and accepted for who they are. At the same time, it is not easy for us, parents, to unconditionally accept our children, especially knowing about some qualities that we would like to change in them, but cannot do this. Moreover, we must not only love and accept our children, but also at the same time correct their behavior. How can this be achieved?

1. Admire your child. The most important factor in your child's development may be your admiration for him. Try to tell your child every day how lucky you are to have him and that you love him endlessly.

2. Really pay attention to your child and talk to him about it.: “You’ve been working on this tower for so long!”, “You like to splash in the water,” “I know you don’t like it!” The point is not to judge the child's behavior, but to help him understand that you are carefully observing him and accepting him for who he is, you acknowledge what he does and how he reacts to the world .

3. Focus on the good. When your child's behavior upsets you, remember that his shortcomings always have an upside in the form of his strengths. Look, if a daughter has a hard time controlling her anger when her brother shows disdain for her, perhaps she has the makings of a passionate fighter against injustice? Is your child's idle daydreaming a sign of his rich imagination, which will someday help him become a great writer?

4. Learn to see through your child's eyes. Your child's behavior may irritate you, but you can always understand it by simply taking the time to see things from his point of view. Let's say a child hits his little brother. Do whatever is necessary to prevent this from happening again in the future, including avoiding leaving children unattended. But if you punish him, it will not help, because it will only worsen his fear of losing you, which, in fact, made him act so aggressively. (After all, he believes that you have found a replacement for him. He can be forgiven for the anxiety he feels about losing his place in your heart.) If you can establish a deep positive connection with your child so that he feels that your love is unbreakable, his fear will lessen, and he will most likely be able to love his little brother from the bottom of his heart.

5. Empathize. Once your baby is no longer in your arms or in your presence, it will take more effort on your part to maintain a close, positive bond with him. But every time your child expresses a thought or emotion, you are given an opportunity to strengthen that connection. Just express your understanding and empathy to him:

• “You sound disappointed.”
• “It looks like you really want...”
• “It's interesting/funny, isn't it?”

When you understand and accept your child's emotions, you help him learn to cope with them: “You're sad that you can't stay to play with the older children. Cry if you want. This is fine. It's hard to go to bed when other children are still playing. Let’s read a book a little longer before bed today so that it lulls you to sleep and makes you feel better?”

6. Help your child learn to cope with his shortcomings without negative emotions. How? Tell him that you have noticed one wonderful trait in him, but sometimes this trait has its downside in the form of a not very good quality, which is difficult for him and others to live with. Ask your child if he has any ideas about how to behave in a way that preserves this wonderful quality of his, but at the same time gets rid of the not so good quality. If you (or your other half) have a similar problem, talk about it and teach your child how to cope with it. Make your story positive and hopeful. This will help your child feel less lonely and more optimistic about this seemingly difficult task. Be sure to explain that we all change, and that as we grow older, it becomes easier for us to manage ourselves.

7. Remember that most of what upsets parents is part of normal child development. Children act like children because they are children. Bad behavior does not mean that children will grow up to be criminals. Children need to know that they make mistakes, not because they are bad, but because they are people, and that includes children: “I know you didn’t want to yell at your friend when you were upset. You tried very hard not to lose control of yourself. I also had difficulty managing my behavior when I was eight years old. As you get older, it will be easier for you to cope with yourself.”

8. Control your reactions. Sometimes we think that it is a given that our child should change. But what bothers parents in some families may be completely normal in others. Children with a lot of energy may fit perfectly into some families and not fit into others. And often what causes us to overreact is nothing more than our own internal stress. Instead of criticizing your child, try expressing your needs and statements in “I” form: “I see that you want to jump now, I’m very tired and the noise tires me too much. Do you mind going out and jumping in your room on a big soft mattress?”

9. Look in the mirror. Often what makes us irritated with our child is something we cannot recognize in ourselves. If we think that our child is stubborn, we should think about who is pushing him to this stubbornness. Arguments require the participation of two parties. If we believe that our child is the “king of tantrums,” perhaps we ourselves should have controlled our emotions when our parents told us to stop overreacting. If we ourselves can overcome our own weaknesses, we will find that our problem with the child will be solved naturally.

This question may seem more than strange to some, but thousands of people around the world still ask it - how to love your child? Why do parents think they don't love enough?

Why do children complain about their loneliness and feeling of uselessness? And is it okay to be childfree? There are many questions, and psychology has found answers to them all to one degree or another.

How to reduce anxiety in a child? you will find on our website.

Love for children - what is it?

What does it mean to love a child? Today they talk and write a lot about unconditional love.

This is the value and ideal of time, in a sense, its philosophical characteristic. They say and write a lot, but do all parents understand what it is?

Unconditional love called complete acceptance of your loved one. This is not easy, it requires work on yourself, certain mental strength.

This means that your child is your main love, not because he diligently plays the violin, has beautiful brown eyes, or because he is the smartest in the class.

Unconditional love is complete acceptance of a person for who they are, simply because they are your person. In this case, this is complete acceptance of the child, because you gave birth to him.

This is your life's work: from a small seed to grow a personality. And you do not impose your vision of an ideal child on your own child, but accept your descendant in his real form - not the most ideal, not always able to do what you expect from him.

Painful childbirth or a difficult period in the first months of a child’s life could be a shock for a woman: and it is so strong that it does not allow her to rebuild herself, to realize the happiness of what happened.

If parents they don’t like an already grown-up child, the reasons may also be different. Perhaps they do not like one child in contrast to another - the first is smart, talented, cheerful. And the second one doesn’t have enough stars in the sky, he can’t put two words together, and he’s not the prettiest one.

But it's not about the child, it's about your high expectations. He is who he is, and he deserves your love simply by the fact of his birth: the very birth of a child is like a guarantee for him that he will be loved. Take the burden of your own hopes off a person who is simply growing, simply living his life.

Why do some parents don't love their children? The most common reason is that they were not loved, and this experience, this model migrated into their lives. It's hard to love when you don't know how. Many parents are infantile, although they themselves do not realize it.

The child interfered with their life plans: they blamed the innocent child for not graduating from university, not getting a good job, not living for themselves...

But it's more truthful: the child has knocked you out of his rut, and you didn’t want to put in the effort to go the other way. A huge number of parents received education with a child in their arms; he was their engine and motivator.

Husband or boyfriend does not want to have children

Then again, maybe he doesn't know what it's like to love.

Analyze what kind of relationships were there in his own family. Show him unobtrusively how good it feels for the child when dad pays attention to him.

Many men do not immediately realize the fact of paternity: but if it was the father who helped the baby take the first steps, if under the father’s guidance the child learned to hold a spoon and assemble a pyramid, it is rare that the father will not receive his dose of happiness and pride.

In men, in principle this feeling of love for children is not so developed- this refers to that female desire to smile at a baby on the street, to pat an unfamiliar child on the head.

Many men experience the tenderness of a child for the first time only when they have their own.

A labeling a young guy as a child-hater is simply stupid- although if he violently expresses his negativity, there is reason to think about it.

These are neurotic problems that may indicate that a person, in principle, does not know how to love, he is focused on himself and a stranger is not valuable to him.

Why don't fathers love their children? And there are many reasons: for example, the child is unwanted. This happens if a child becomes a reason for marriage. Sometimes a parent seems to lose love for a child when they divorce their mother.

Remember that love is also gift, talent, work, effort. Not all people grow up; many live and literally wallow in their immaturity and unwillingness to be responsible not only for someone else’s life, but even for their own life.

Is it necessary to show feelings?

Trite - but that's what they were born for.

In order for a person to grow up healthy, and not a neurotic with a bunch of problems, he needs experience in love. He will build many things in the future on the foundation laid in childhood.

Love feeds, it gives the child self-confidence, determines the very essence of its existence.

And it is expressed not in the high cost of toys and the coolness of organizing a child’s birthday, but in daily attention - the most precious thing you can give him is your time. As it has been wisely noted: to raise a child well, spend less money on him, but more time.

Childfree, pregnancy: pros and cons. Psychology:

Unloved children - consequences

The worst consequence- this is what they carry with them throughout life.

This unloved child will feel guilty: this feeling pushes one to aggression, another to the world as a whole, a third to the desire to prove something about himself to everyone all his life.

In a word, growing neurotic A person who spends his life tilting at windmills will deny himself happiness.

Unloved children - causes and consequences:

If you yourself were not loved as a child, this does not mean that you will not learn. Try to change your usual, stereotyped attitude towards things. The main thing is to want change.

What to do if your child is annoying?

Start with the fact that this is your problem, not the child's. He is who he is.

He has little life experience to change to please people.

Identify within yourself specifically what you don’t like. Think about whether this can be done and, finally, whether it should be done. Do you want to customize it for yourself? Are you sure this will be good for him?

Trust him - listen at least once without interrupting, without lecturing. If heart-to-heart conversations are not practiced in your family, this is already a big omission on your part as a parent.

Look at your child - this is your creation, it is exactly 50% of you and 50% of the person you once loved very much.

He didn't ask to be born- you promised to love him, because you gave birth to him. Don't you want to love what was created for you? You may have problems with self-esteem and self-perception.

How to treat obsessive movement syndrome in a child? find out right now.

How to love a child correctly? Find out from the video:

How to accept him as he is?

You got a little man absolutely helpless and lifeless without an adult nearby. You taught him to walk, eat, talk, read, you gave him the whole world.

Where is the point where you stopped? When you exhaled and said - well, that’s enough, now you’re on your own. Why did this happen?

Even at twelve he is just a child. He has learned to be arrogant and is doing worse than his friend's son. He is awkward, doesn’t want to read books and sits on his tablet for hours. But here’s an amazing thing: there are no children who don’t need anything.

There are no children who do not want to learn - knowledge is the basic need of a child at the physiological level, the key to survival. And he has his head buried in his tablet and doesn’t want to communicate with you, not because he’s such an adult and made a choice, they say, I’m such a person, I don’t need anyone or anything, you all go...

He simply does not know how to otherwise indicate that he is: lonely, they don’t hear him, they are not sincerely interested in him, etc. He is still too young to bear his pain. But you are old enough to understand your child.

Don't give up- work. The main thing is to want to help him and not be afraid to demonstrate your love. All people on earth need it, and a twelve-year-old teenager too.

How to love an adopted baby?

This is a different problem: you need to prepare for this kind of parenting.

And when the child is already in the family, you understand that he is yours. Just the way it is. And you must learn to love him in the same way as your own. I love you for being with us.

One simple example. Belarusian actor Pavel Kharlanchuk is raising two adopted children and three relatives. The adopted boy did not fit into the family for a long time, and one day he said - take me to my grandmother, I don’t want to live with you.

Exhausted by a lack of understanding of the situation, the parents did just that: if you want, go ahead, it will be better for you. And having almost reached my grandmother, my father stopped the car. He saw the child's frightened eyes, the awareness of the inevitable and, in fact, the unwanted.

Pavel said to his son: “Well, what are you... Well, how are we going to give you up? We will not give you to anyone, because you are our son. We love you. We will not give our child to anyone." And he turned the car around. The wall was broken. The boy saw the love that every child on earth needs.

How to love an adopted child? Tips in this video:

What to do if your son or daughter doesn’t love your mother?

Probably, you have high expectations. There are different forms of manifestation of love - and your child still has to learn to guess the one you need.

Remember that children do not follow our words, but our examples. There is no point in educating: they will still repeat everything after us.

Are you sure that you are showing him your love?? Not care, feeding and filling the closet with things, but love?

Love for a child is also a physiological need. But it is difficult for him to show his love for his mother, who is too demanding, rude, and does not tolerate actions that do not follow his pattern.

And this will be difficult to do even for an adult. Maybe for you manifestations of his love - this is the perfect diary and clean room? Have you ever waved away hugs or hastened to open them?

Love is the happiness of being together, tenderness, touches, smiles, care, attention, and not the desire to please mom’s expectations at all costs.

Understand yourself. It happens that even a very adult person suddenly understands that he knows nothing about love, but he is ready to learn.

Why doesn't your child love you? The main problem of dislike:

My son is eleven years old, and I still haven’t changed myself. I know that I criticize the child too much, cling to any phrase, gesture, action, constantly accusing him of lies and hypocrisy. At the same time, I present banal cruelty towards a ten-year-old boy as “democracy”, “straightforwardness”, “honesty in relationships”. When I have to describe my son, I first say that he is smart, selfish, lazy, talented, and knows how to manipulate people. Then I remember that I’m saying all this about my son, that the problem is not in the boy, but in me, and I try to correct the situation, saying that he is attentive, capable, interested in many things...

Where are these glasses, wearing which I will not see my own reflection in my boy, the reflection of my brother, mother, mother-in-law? I just can’t stop clinging to my child: I restrain myself with all my might for a day or two and again arrange a debriefing. I understand that in another six months or a year, I will greatly offend him with such behavior, and he will not only feel this insult (we feel the state of humiliation almost from the cradle), but will also try to somehow respond to it.

I am amazed at the strength of my son’s spirit; it seems to me that any normal person would have run away long ago. We spend a lot of time together: trips to nature, going to the movies, playing games together, drawing, long after midnight we can sit together, hugging each other, and watching a movie. But I don’t think that my systematic attacks on my son can be compensated by the good that is in our family.

Lucy Mikaelyan, family psychotherapist, employee of the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis:

“It seems to me, Lena, that you are a good mother and wife, but it’s not enough for you to just be good. Excessive demands on your maternal role force you to be very attentive to your son’s shortcomings. Especially if you consider raising a child a “life’s work”, the results of which can be used to judge the degree of your personal success and competence. If he is lazy or cheating - does this mean that you didn’t work hard, didn’t deliver enough, didn’t cope? A harsh attitude towards oneself and excessive criticism of one’s son are interconnected. You have set yourself a high bar and do not praise yourself at all for intermediate achievements. So you can become overtired, start to get irritated over trifles, then reproach yourself, think badly about yourself... It seems that you already believe that all the difficulties in the family are entirely your fault. And only fortitude, patience and kindness of loved ones help prevent a disaster.

Imagine that you have magic glasses. They will help you clearly see your contribution to positive events in the family. These glasses refocus your vision and allow you to take responsibility not only for the bad, but also for the good. Here you are sitting, hugging your son, with your husband, or walking together. How is everyone feeling at this moment? What can you read in their gaze towards you? How do they treat you now? What does their attitude say about you as a mother, a wife, a person? Thanks to what qualities of your soul and intentional efforts did this episode of family happiness become possible? Imagine that you, having put on magic glasses, decided to write to Psychologies again. I wonder what will be different in the new version of your story?