What are good ones? Kind, loving, caring? Or maybe they are strict, able to instill numerous skills, teach order and discipline?..

Don't you think that the word “good” is too general to formulate an exact meaning? Perhaps this is precisely why the definition is somewhat blurred. The concept of “good” can combine a variety of meanings, including opposite ones.

Theory of relativity

Judge for yourself: what are the good ones? Kind, loving, caring? Or maybe they are strict, able to instill numerous skills, teach order and discipline? To be good is to allow or prohibit, to patronize or to provide independence in choice and only periodically guide? WITH good parents Should the child feel good today or later, in adulthood? Does parental self-sacrifice benefit or harm children? Is forgiveness good or does it lead to permissiveness?

You probably know that the most common opinion on this matter is:

“Good parents are those who have good children.”

I just want to exclaim: “Thank you, that’s explained!” In this logical connection, only the result is obvious. And what kind of children should be considered good is also a moot point, but oh well... The worse thing is that from this statement there is absolutely no way to trace the path to such a result. If the children turn out good, that means you are a good parent; if they don’t turn out, sorry, they’re bad. But education cannot proceed blindly, hoping for chance.

And who are the judges?

By the way, this is a serious question. From whose point of view should parents be assessed?

Who, so to speak, is the judge, or what is the criterion for judging whether parents are good or bad?

I will say right away that since there are so many different aspects in matters of family education, there is no one point of view, and it is impossible to single out a single denominator for the concept of “good parents.” So, from the point of view of kindergarten teachers, good ones are those who pay a lot of attention raising a child. Teachers will say that these are the kind of mothers and fathers who give their child a good education. Doctors will insist: “The main emphasis is health. If it is there, everything will be.” Grandparents will unanimously demand: “Don’t deprive your child of his childhood! More carefree, relaxing, walking.” And then there are neighbors for whom the criterion is completely different: “Good parents are those who solve everything peacefully.” Would you say that one of them is wrong? Everyone is right. And yet the truth is different.

I don’t know whether you noticed or not, but among all the above opinions, the opinion of children is missing. But it is, perhaps, decisive. Moreover, if a child does not consider his parents to be good, effective upbringing will not work. There will be only an illusion, which very soon, as your sons or daughters grow up, will dissipate.

Bad taboo

Being a good parent is also difficult because, in principle, one action is enough to turn from a good parent into a bad one in an instant. And no one is safe from such metamorphoses unless you set yourself a literal taboo on some things.

Don't try to raise your child to be perfect. Individuality is more important than perfection.

Do not Cry! Never!

Do not compare your child with anyone: “You are exactly the same as...” l Do not insult - neither with your tone nor with an offensive word.

Don't be humiliating, especially in front of other people.

Do not demand that your child immediately do something or immediately correct the situation. Leave him the right to choose and the right to make mistakes.

Do not take out personal failures on your child, do not throw out your fatigue or bad mood on him. Being a good parent means being able to control your own emotions.

Don't make common mistakes

THE CHILD IS NOT YOU

A lot of conflicts occur because parents stubbornly do not see a personality in their child, and a personality that is different from them. You shouldn’t call your baby a “hoarder” if he does something slower than you - perhaps you are choleric, for example, and the child is phlegmatic. And don’t say “bug” to him if he is not as open to new acquaintances as you are; the child is probably an introvert, and you are an extrovert. And if the child is stubborn, then you have seriously hurt him as a person, and in this way he is trying to maintain independence and defend his self-esteem.

SHOULD AND CAN

Often, well-intentioned parents, of course, raise the bar for what is possible for their child. You say “You must!”, but he really cannot do this, either due to age, or due to individual characteristics.

GENERAL RULES

Typical situations are when mom prohibits, but dad allows, dad punishes, and grandma justifies and regrets. This is the most harmful thing in family education.

FROM EXTREME TO EXTREME

In family education you need to be consistent. You can’t educate from case to case: something happened, they “worked through it,” and then again they let everything take its course until the next negative episode. These extremes do not form positive personality traits in the child, but teach them to adapt to circumstances.

LOOKING BACK

It is wrong to constantly look back and remind your child of the mistakes he has made. Of course, there is such an expression as “learning from mistakes.” But everyone can do this only for themselves, without outside participation. Otherwise, there will be not a learning process, but a damaged relationship.

SUCCESSES - FAILURES

Usually, parents are more willing to scold their child for his failures than to praise him for his successes (they do not consider it necessary). This imbalance causes a feeling of injustice in children, and they stop responding to their parents’ comments.

Through the mouth of a baby...

It's always useful to hear what our children think about us. No wonder it is said:

“Through the mouth of a child the truth speaks.” Get to know the opinions of children aged 9 to 14 years. You will be pleasantly surprised how objective and wise our children are. So, parents should be:

“Loving. Understanding. Trusting. Responsive."

“Friends of your children, so that they can be trusted with all the secrets and problems.”

“Kind, calm, caring, ready to support in any situation.”

“More optimistic in their views on my actions, not categorical.”

“Understanding, be able to enter into my position and not correct your mistakes in me.”

“Patient. So as not to be humiliated or insulted.”

“Wise, don’t blame me for spending money, nerves, energy, time on me.”

“Children. So that at least sometimes they remember that they were little too.”

“Modern. Accepting all new trends in art and hobbies.”

“Moderately strict, believing in me, providing freedom.”

“With good nerves, so that they don’t shout about every issue, but try to explain calmly and help.”

“Ready to respect my opinion.”

“They know how to communicate with me as an equal, and not as with a child.”

"Don't scold too often."

“Listening, so that they can listen.”

“Someone who won’t keep bringing up my past mistakes.”

"Fair."

“Realizing that they lived in one time, and we lived in another.”

Here is a ready-made definition of “good parents”.

For the sake of the status of “good parents” it is not at all necessary to follow the children’s lead.

The task is precisely to solve all, all, all educational goals, and remain “good” for children. Their assessment is the most honest and objective criterion. If children do not evaluate our efforts at the level of “good,” then we are bad, no matter what wonderful goals we set for ourselves, no matter how highly we evaluate ourselves and no matter what everyone else thinks.

No evidence

Do you want to become good parents? Try to follow the 10 axioms first.

Let me remind you that an axiom is something that does not need proof.

1. Accept your children for who they are. Strive to reveal the child’s personality, and not to crush him with your upbringing.

2. From a very young age, communicate with your child as an equal, as with an adult. Don't allow yourself to look down on him. Don't babysit with him. Showing affection and lisping are two different things.

3. Find time every day to communicate with your child, be aware of his life, and listen. It will bring you closer. And this, of course, has greater educational value than five minutes of righteous parental anger.

4. Show interest in your child’s interests, learn to support him in his hobbies, try to be modern. This is an important trait of “good parents.”

5. Give your child reasonable freedom, believing in him and giving him the right to make mistakes. This way he can gain self-confidence. Psychologist Angelica Faas wrote: “Whoever does not learn to stand on his own feet in childhood and does not believe in his own strength will someday fall and hurt himself painfully.”

6. Always show your love to your child. Especially when you are unhappy with his behavior or actions. Emphasize that you are dissatisfied with the behavior or action, and not with the child as a person. It is important.

7. Show educational flexibility. Firstly, because there are exceptions to any rule. Secondly, because the greatest force, as before, is the great power of compromise.

8. You need to switch from your problems to the problems of your children in a timely manner. Do not start the process of education immediately after work, give yourself a break - stand in the shower or lie on the sofa, listening to quiet music. Being rested makes it easier to be a “good parent.”

9. Be the most reliable protection for your child. He must be sure that no matter what happens, his family will understand and support him, they will explain and help him.

10. Learn from your own mistakes, including learning to ask your child for forgiveness for your mistakes.

Mom and Dad's school

It is quite obvious that being good parents is a lot of work and this, of course, must be learned. And the main difficulty is that despite the abundance of literature on the topic of family education, there is not and cannot be universal advice for everyone.

We are all different: both adults and children. And therefore, approaches to education cannot be the same. Even under externally equal conditions. And even more so when (remember the children’s answers) life around changes beyond recognition, and children against its background grow up differently, which means that the process of education is an ever-changing process. That's why...

To be good parents, you don’t just need to learn, you need to learn this all your life, and not theoretically, but practically - together with your children, with their direct help, in particular thanks to their disobedience, whims, discontent, which clearly and accurately indicate that that we are doing something wrong.

Rapid changes are taking place in society, and against the background of this, raising children today is not at all an easy matter. No matter how many children you have, you can never say that you are a sufficiently experienced and “correct” parent. Many of today's men and women create large-scale projects, build successful businesses and manage hundreds of employees, but become absolutely helpless when it comes to raising children. Psychologists say that parents often experience “pressure, stress and tension”, under the influence of which they lose self-confidence. To boost your self-esteem, learn 11 signs that you're a good parent, even if you don't believe it anymore.

1. You give your child the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.

It may sound paradoxical, but for the purposes of education, sometimes it is useful not to be overprotective, but to step aside and let the child “get burned.” Of course, watching him fail, you must control the situation, but remain calm enough not to succumb to pity at the last moment. As Armin Brott, author of The New Dad: A Dad's Guide to a One-Year-Old, said, "Broken knees make character." Afterwards, be sure to talk with your offspring about what lesson he learned from his bad experience.

2. You are fully aware that your child is an individual.

The fact that you allow your children to be carried away by what they like, and not you, speaks of your psychological maturity. "If you're an unconditional supporter of your children's endeavors, then you deserve to be named Parent of the Year," says Armin Brott. Children need to know that you're interested in helping them become individuals, not turning them into copies of yourself.

3. Your children always practice safety habits, even when you're not around.

It's common for parents to think that their children ignore their advice, but psychologists say that's not always the case. "Teaching your children about safety is your goal. The fact that they are making good choices and taking basic precautions even in your absence is a big plus for you," says Brott.

4. You gave up a bad habit to set a good example for your child.

We are all living people with our own shortcomings. However, when you have children, the influence you have on them should take priority over bad habits. If a young dad quit smoking or went to the gym to set a good example for his son, he deserves applause.

5. You make mistakes

Surprisingly, psychologists call those who make mistakes good parents. Why? Yes, because the one who does something, searches and dares makes mistakes. And if you are sure that your “good parenting” is working great, then it’s time to take off your rose-colored glasses.

6. You practice family dinners.

Getting together as a family can sometimes be difficult, but that's the hallmark of good parenting, Brott said. At the same time, it is important that when you meet, you focus on each other and do not get stuck in gadgets. Statistically, children who regularly have dinner with their parents, especially dad, do better in school, have higher self-esteem and are less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol.

7. Your children sometimes get angry at you.

Of course it should be! When raising a child, you forbid him to utter swear words, demand that he respect elders and protect the weak, control his studies, deny him pleasure for wrongdoing... And the child does not always perceive your prohibitions adequately, although he psychologically needs control.

8. You think you're failing.

Don't be too hard on yourself. According to Brott, parents who think they can't be good parents usually do something right. Conversely, parents who are extremely confident that they are right tend to lose.

9. Your children behave with dignity even when you can't see them.

If your child is able to resist and not give in to negative peer pressure when you are not around, then you are a super dad and super mom!

Most parents make every effort to instill good principles and morals in their children, but not all succeed. And it’s worth learning from those who managed to cope with this difficult task.

10. You have your own desires and aspirations.

Good parents do not become completely immersed in their children's lives, but rather have their own hobbies, interests and goals. Psychologists are convinced that this approach will not allow a child to grow up as a helpless egoist.

11. Your child is confident in your love and care

The main indicator that you are a great dad and mom is the fact that your offspring feels loved and protected.

So, let's list the qualities of good parents:

1. Patience. Absolutely all mothers and fathers need it, because sometimes it can be very, very difficult to withstand hysterics or constant questions from the baby. It is important to learn to control yourself and suppress your emotions. If a baby sees a screaming angry mother, this will negatively affect his psyche.

2. The ability to love and show it. Every child needs love, so mom and dad should give their child love to the fullest. A child should never doubt that he is needed and loved.

3. Honesty. Be honest not only with your baby, but also with everyone else. You are an example for your child, and if he sees you deceiving others, he will think that this is quite normal.

4. Self-confidence. Kids are little psychics who are able to sense the state of their parents. And if you do not do everything confidently, then your hesitations will certainly be “exposed”, and your child will not see you as an authoritative person and an example to follow.

5. Unobtrusiveness. The most common mistake moms and dads make is overprotection. The baby simply cannot take an extra step. Try to observe the baby from the side and only occasionally and unobtrusively correct his behavior. But you shouldn’t constantly protect your child from everything.

6. Softness and severity at the same time. In some situations you need to be strict, while in others it is better to be gentle and try to persuade the baby.

7. Diplomacy and flexibility. It is important to capture the baby’s mood, take into account his characteristics, age and character when choosing parenting tactics.

8. Accuracy. You must set a good example for your child.

9. Tact. A tactful attitude towards your child will allow you to raise him the same way: sensitive, sociable, polite and sociable.

10. Consistency of promises and demands. Keep all your promises and demand from your child only what he can fulfill.

But even this knowledge is clearly not enough. After all, we are talking about how to properly raise a child so that he becomes a HUMAN. We are talking about how to understand his problems and difficulties, how to find a common language with him, how to raise him to be a useful citizen of society. Agree, this is not so simple.

Secondly, we have no particular desire to gain knowledge in this area. We are not accustomed to this either by our parents or by our society in which we live. MirSovetov will emphasize a truth that is obvious to many: in many ways, we gain our knowledge about raising children in our family, where we ourselves were raised. It is no coincidence that they say that “the apple does not fall far from the tree.” The way our parents raised us is how we behave towards our children.

Remember, Arkady Raikin in one of the miniatures says: “Sidorov the younger, my father Sidorov the elder, tore me like Sidorov’s goat.” But here it’s worth thinking about the fact that maybe our children deserve better treatment. After all, these are OUR children!

Is it possible to fix this situation? Of course you can. There would be a desire and desire for this. What should you do to become good parents for your children?

You can, of course, turn to the relevant literature: various books, recommendations from teachers, but here MirSovetov advises to be careful. Be careful in the sense that today there is a lot of advice on this matter and you can find all sorts of literature. Believe me, many pieces of advice from those who consider themselves experts in this matter sometimes contradict each other. The main criterion is the results that certain methods in raising children lead to. Therefore, here we need to be 100% sure that we have chosen the right methods of education, otherwise the consequences can be disastrous.

Well, there may be one more important point. It depends. Gain knowledge from the wisest book on earth - the Bible. Why not. Today, more and more people are turning to her for guidance. And if we admit that it is inspired by God, then it certainly contains wise and useful advice on these topics.

Be your own example
This is a very important point in raising children, it is difficult to overestimate it. Children do not need to be taught the principle of “do as I do”; they do this almost from their very birth. Therefore, throughout the entire time of raising a child, his formation as a person, you can raise your daughter or your son with your behavior.

Sometimes it happens that someone says about our children: “the spitting image of their father” or “the spitting image of their mother” and this similarity that other people notice is not only external. Our children adopt our way of speaking, laughing, joking. They imitate us (from a very young age) in the way we behave with our relatives, other people, and neighbors. Children notice all our habits and, without knowing it, begin to imitate them, because parents are the most important authority for them at their young age.

And one more, according to MirSovetov, very important point. It simply must be taken into account in order to be good parents. You simply cannot do without it.

Do you know what disorients a child the most? What irritates him, destabilizes his perception of the world around him and what greatly undermines our authority in his eyes? If our words are at odds with our deeds. If we teach our child one thing and make a very convincing argument for it, and then our child sees or hears us doing something different. In this case, all our words may turn out to be not only useless, but even harmful.

This tactic of behavior, the tactic of “double standards,” irritates us when we encounter it in our lives (maybe at work, at our place of duty, or somewhere else). But to a much greater extent, this behavior of “double standards” irritates our children and does not honor us as their parents.

Well, in order for your child to see your example, this requires...

Spend time with your child
Children need this. They miss us when we are not there, when we go somewhere, when we work hard. And although we work to ensure that our children have everything they need for life, it is important to remember that our children need not only food, clothing, entertainment items, but FIRSTLY our attention, time, our advice and in our understanding.

Of course, depending on the age, the needs of our children change. But if we want to have close and trusting relationships with our children, then they need to be established from early childhood. Then, when our children grow up, when they begin adolescence, thanks to the fact that we have a good exchange of thoughts and a trusting relationship with them, we will be able to help them. From childhood they will get used to the fact that their parents will always find time for them, will always be ready to put aside their own affairs in order to listen to their child. And all this is because parents love their children and prove their love to them in word and deed.

Being parents is a great happiness. But this is not only joy, it is also hard work on yourself. The characters of our children, their good and bad qualities, their ability to be in society - all this and much more depends on their upbringing. It is you who must be able to make the right decisions, only after that your child will learn to follow the call of reason. Let's figure out what parents should be like.

Moral norms

The very first thing you must have is moral stability. Children need to see what moral standards you have. Show fairness, honesty, decency, keep all your promises. If your character does not require these virtues, then instilling them in your child will be too difficult. You cannot teach a child to be noble if you yourself are not one. Parents are the best teachers; they set an example much faster than teachers. If children see that their mom and dad have many virtues, act exceptionally honestly, they are fair and courageous, then they will follow this example.

Don't forget about chastity. Don't allow yourself to commit immoral, shameful acts. Keep your distance from the debauchery of our world, avoid situations that result in inappropriate behavior. For example, if you are a married man, then you should not bring a girlfriend or employee to dinner, you should not get into the car with her to go somewhere alone, etc. The same applies to ladies.

Sense of justice

Never bypass justice. Do not punish your child more than he deserves, do not deprive him of a well-deserved reward, do not single him out from other children, do not expect more than he can do.

Yes, you must deal fairly with every child, but there are situations where inequality will be fairer than equality. For example, one of the children has committed a bad act for which he should be punished, while other children, on the contrary, require encouragement. This is very difficult for parents, because you love all your kids equally. The decision is yours, but know that parents should see the shortcomings of their children, and not turn a blind eye to them, this is the only way to fight them.

Humility

Good parents recognize that they are imperfect. They understand that they have their own shortcomings, weaknesses and limits. But they know how to come to terms with it and become kinder to their children. Learn to be more forgiving of the mistakes that others make, control your anger, and have patience.

For example, this situation: a child, while eating bread, dropped it on the floor. He fell just down the jam. What does the mother do? She begins to swear, scream, and prove that she has already asked the child to be careful 100 times. As a result, she mops the floor with dissatisfaction, and before that she can slap the unfortunate little one in the face.

A good humble mother would do things differently. She will understand that not only the child is to blame for such a situation. She was partly wrong when she didn’t make sure that he held the bread over the plate. She remembers that recently she herself broke a cup or accidentally ruined her expensive wool sweater by putting it in the washing machine. Any child will say that my parents are the best if you treat him with understanding, knowing that you are not perfect either.

Strictness

You love your child very much, but never be too pliable and soft-bodied. Follow your decisions and beliefs unwaveringly, do not allow pressure to be put on you, do not give in to persuasion that will change your correct decisions. Be strict, but not cruel. Parents are the best friends for their children, they want only the best for them, but the children often cannot yet realize this. Be firm and persistent in seeking their good.

Many moms and dads simply refuse to be strict. Children begin to do everything that comes to their mind. This is the same as letting sheep go free. From the outside, it seems that the parents, on the contrary, do not love the child and constantly forget about him.

What are good parents like?

• Confident. Like any leader who copes well with all his responsibilities, a parent must be confident in his abilities and actions, otherwise he will not be able to lead his child. When the baby feels that power is coming from you, he will give in to you. If you are not confident in yourself, then your children will not obey you unquestioningly.
• Calm. What should parents do? Be calm. Sometimes it can be very difficult. If you feel depressed or anxious, you will find it difficult to parent. It is unlikely that you will be able to focus on your children and give them the best that can be.
• Optimistic. Don't be pessimistic. Life may be a complicated thing, but you shouldn’t see everything in dark colors. Worries and anxieties have always existed and will continue to exist, and you should remain optimistic even in difficult times so that your children do not look at life with a gloomy outlook.
• Wise. The child must be guided on the right path almost from birth. In such a difficult task, a considerable supply of wisdom is needed. Try to be reasonable, insightful, give your child only correct, proven advice. Always think clearly and you will become wise.

Listen to your parenting instincts. You yourself know how to become good parents. This knowledge appeared in you with the first cry of your little miracle. Don't be afraid of anything and you will succeed!