Yes, perhaps at first glance the question is quite banal, but in fact it is very important. In the modern world, the clear boundaries of adultery have been erased, and as a result, when you hear the word: betrayal, an image of a bed scene pops up in your head.

If you look up the meaning of the word treason in the dictionary, you can see a rather interesting interpretation: treason is adultery. And adultery is not only physical betrayal, but also moral betrayal. Nowadays, quite little attention is paid to the moral side of betrayal, and all because moral betrayal is very difficult to identify. If physical betrayal can be seen with your own eyes, then moral betrayal can only be guessed at.

Another rather interesting synonym for the word treason is the word infidelity. This word also has an ambiguous meaning. Although physical betrayal is generally considered infidelity, this word is also directly related to moral betrayal. After all, the root of the word infidelity is -ver-, and its derivative is faith. In other words, the infidelity of a spouse is manifested not only in his actions, but also in his thoughts as well.

So it turns out that betrayal is divided into two types: physical betrayal and moral betrayal. Physical infidelity is direct intimacy with a person who is not your legal spouse. Moral betrayal is a broader concept. First of all, these are feelings for another person, but often this phrase also means an ordinary desire to change physically. These two species can exist either together or separately.

A wife can imagine for a long time how she is cheating on her husband, she can flirt with other men, even love another person, but not bring the matter to physical intimacy. Such betrayal is undoubtedly considered moral. Physical infidelity can manifest itself as casual sex with different partners or as constant sex with one partner. The most important thing about such betrayal is that it occurs without any feelings or emotions. However, physical and moral betrayal at the same time occurs quite often. For example, a married woman falls madly in love with another man, communicates and flirts with him for a long time, and then physical intimacy appears in their relationship.

Different people's attitudes towards betrayal are also quite different. If some people are ready to forgive their spouse for cheating, then others begin to take revenge and also cheat. Quite often you can find cases where a wife, having learned about her husband’s infidelity, immediately files for divorce. It is very important to first simply find out all the nuances in the current situation, and only then draw conclusions. After all, if you look into it, then an accidental physical betrayal can and can be forgiven and a promise can be made from the spouse that it will not happen again. Moral betrayal is another matter, because real emotions are difficult to stop, and even if you promise that you will not fall in love again, it will be quite difficult to keep this promise.
So what is worse: moral or physical betrayal? I want to hear your opinion.

Hello everyone who reads my story. I sincerely wish that there would be no more stories like this, because they destroy all the canons of love and trust (((

It all started 5.5 years ago, when I met my future husband. We dated for 3.5 years (there were, of course, quarrels over trifles, etc.), but after 3.5 years I saw his correspondence in mail.ru, and my hair stood on end (He loved me all these years, I’m in this I believe, but at the same time he corresponded with a bunch of girls, although by nature he is a very reserved and serious, sporty person. So one person working with him managed to attract his attention in particular. They corresponded every day in “Agent” (and there is an archive in the mail, which is not deleted), she worked as a waitress, and he worked as a security guard, they often communicated. And from the correspondence it became clear that they kissed and could not forget this kiss. Affectionate compliments began in her direction, etc. At that moment I saw the correspondence in time. , and they didn’t get any further.

I wanted to leave, I left for a week. He got down on his knees and said that he didn’t understand why he was texting, he didn’t know what came over him. She forgave me because she loved her and they started communicating. I cut off all contact with that girl. Soon he proposed to me. After six months of living together, I became pregnant. Everything was going well until strange things started happening in May of this year... By nature, I am a very family person. For me, family is EVERYTHING. If I decided to get married, I believe that it should be forever, and any problems in life can be discussed peacefully and resolved without scandal.

But, unfortunately, my husband did not have such an opinion. He is hot-tempered, jealous, selfish at times. I cook delicious food, I do everything around the house, and everything is great in sex too. Even during pregnancy, we make love every other day, or even every day. I’m the first to get up in the morning, wake you up with kisses, etc. I am constantly interested in what he would like to eat, and stuff like that, in 5 years I have 2 higher educations, I’m not stupid. And sometimes I come across such ice that I want to cry. He may ignore, come and not answer questions, lose his temper, or yell. If we are eating and he doesn’t like something, he can go into the room and not answer when I call him.

And then suddenly I decided to check his email again. Having picked up a couple of passwords, I hacked into his “Mir” and... again found correspondence with a new waitress. And it just started recently. She’s 18, I’m 23, he’s 24. She’s the complete opposite of me - she goes to clubs, smokes, drinks, doesn’t play sports at all - she probably thinks that she doesn’t need it because she’s thin. She knows very well that he is married, that I am pregnant, she saw me. From the correspondence I realized that they sat together in a cafe, she drank wine (he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke), danced, kissed, exchanged compliments, she didn’t mind his proposals for privacy. There just wasn't the right time or place. The entire conversation lasted a month.

After I saw it, I didn’t immediately start making a fuss, I thought that I would come to my senses. To do this, I made every effort (I talked to him about our relationship, recalled an old betrayal, said that in marriage I would not forgive betrayal if I found out, reminded him about the baby and that I should not be nervous, and that in any case I WILL FIND OUT by any means ). He listened carefully, reasoned, supported and said that he would never change, etc.

Under the influence of his promises, I tried not to think about what I had read, I thought that family relationships were more valuable, I wanted to act wisely. As a result, when I went to the post office a week later, I saw that nothing had changed, and continued to communicate even more. That’s when I couldn’t stand it and told her that I knew everything. The vows began again... He said that she was a minor, that it didn’t mean anything, that she was of easy virtue, but loved me, that he didn’t cheat on me, didn’t sleep with her, etc. He said that he would decide everything and put an end to it on the same day. He did so, installed it, explained everything to her, and stopped communicating. I had to forgive (I’m a fool, in the process...).

It’s not for nothing that they say: “Love is evil, and you’ll love a goat.” A month later I decided to check his phone, all the SMS and calls were constantly deleted. Suspicions began again, I thought it was due to pregnancy. But it turned out that no. This time I hacked his phone number, looked at the details and saw active communication. Either SMS or conversations for half an hour for 3 weeks... I couldn’t stand it, I said: “Get your things and go to your mother, then live or live with her, since life with me doesn’t suit you, and you always don’t understand why you’re drifting to the left.”

The first day I didn’t leave, on the second day I left - only without my things, and with a sports bag, as if for training, I didn’t come home, I went to my mother. He started texting me and accusing me that I was this and that, I didn’t understand him, that he didn’t do it on purpose and that he was going to stop everything the other day. He said that he would come to pick up his things and would not return, he was ashamed and offended, you see, because he kicked him out for nothing (we live with my mother).

And I’m tired of forgiving, I’m just tired of being humiliated. BETRAYED ONCE... BETRAYED TWO... I forgave, but there is a limit to everything, I warned him every time that I wouldn’t forgive him, that if something like that happened, let him leave immediately. But, apparently, this DIDN’T SCARY HIM OR STOPPED HIM.

He called a couple of times to find out how the child and I were doing, but there is no remorse in his voice, he only expresses that he will not return, that it does not matter where he is, and is not going to return.

I am very hurt and offended that I did this. I have a couple of months left before giving birth, so I can’t be upset. I'm trying to hold on. But what to do??? What to do??? Divorce is not an option, the child was not even born, and to forgive him again means to give him a free hand for further exploits ((((

She's completely stupid. She is 18, and she is trying to take a married man away from the family, she says that “there are no irreplaceables”, this is her reasoning already at this age... And what will happen next? I feel sorry for her because she has little brains, that at her age she is not able to find a free guy, make him fall in love with her and build a happy life without seducing other people's husbands. She presses him to feel sorry that he stopped communicating with her, that she feels bad, and poor thing, she ended up unhappy...

All sorts of thoughts crossed my mind, maybe she bewitched him? Maybe I don’t need this male? What's next? How can I get rid of these flirtations? He swears that he didn’t cheat physically, I believe it. But moral betrayal is even worse, because it is committed not on instincts, but on a conscious level, choosing what to say and how to act. Please help me overcome this pain. What should I do? Should I call him? To forgive... There is emptiness in my soul, there are not even thoughts. And there’s resentment that he doesn’t call, even though it’s his own fault.

I will answer everyone and be grateful for any advice.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! My name is Svetlana. I am 23 years old, I work as a teacher, and am currently on maternity leave. My husband is 29 years old, we have been married for a year, and not long ago we came across such a concept as male infidelity. Our daughter is half a year old. After being discharged from the maternity hospital, my daughter and I went to the hospital. That's when my husband started cheating on me. After we were discharged and we returned home, my husband changed a lot. Constant absences began, quarrels, scandals began, he became irritable. I began to suspect and went into his phone. There was correspondence with a girl from the drive (a community of people and cars, my husband went to meetings every Friday, there they ride in cars, discuss them and just chat), which was password-protected, he didn’t let me see the correspondence, he said that I was clinging and the girl was there I just asked why he didn’t come the last time, but he password protected it so that I wouldn’t worry, accused me of getting into his phone, and I remained guilty. Due to feminine curiosity, I climbed there again. I am a mathematician by profession, so finding the password was not very difficult, but only a matter of time. And so I read the entire correspondence. All the details of their sex life, that she spent the night at our house while we were in the hospital. In general, he showered her with compliments and confessions, and she carefully hinted that it was time to leave the family. Her name is Diana, she is 26. They were matched, so to speak, by a mutual friend of ours. She constantly asked Diana for a ride, invited her husband to visit her when Diana was with her, etc. I asked him to talk and said that I knew everything. She said that if he loves her, then it is better for him to go to her. To which I heard in response that he loves me and my daughter, he doesn’t know what came over him and this won’t happen again. We made peace. It was very difficult, I suspected him. Sometimes I was reproached for treason. She sent photos in her underwear to the general chat to remind her of herself. After 2 months, I accidentally discovered the password-protected correspondence again. She said or he shows it and we’ll think about what to do or divorce. As it turned out, after the scandal, they really broke up. But then we started communicating again. My husband explained this by saying that he was afraid that she would write to me and I would take my daughter and leave. They saw each other again, but the husband claims that nothing happened. In the correspondence, she says that he made a mistake, that he stayed in the family and now returned to her, but she is ready to be with him if he leaves the family. He writes to her that he probably really made a mistake. This explains to me that I just wanted to keep everything under control and had no intention of leaving. I wrote her a message: “Dian, I made a choice. I am staying with my family and will not leave them anywhere. Sorry, goodbye.” He even left the general chat. Stopped going for drives. We decided to forget about her and not think about her anymore. Yesterday he said that I need to tighten my figure, otherwise my breasts sagged after feeding and since I lost a lot of weight, my butt completely disappeared. And yesterday I came across it on social media. networks that he puts “I like” on the photo. I have a lot of complexes. Over these months I literally ate myself with thoughts. Now I walk around and think what to do? It turns out she is in his thoughts again. Where is the guarantee that she won’t write to him again and he won’t answer her? After all, she is very persistent and, in my opinion, clearly decided to make sure that he was with her. I'm so tired that I'm ready to let him go. I just can't be a fool. I can't tolerate betrayal. If I ask about these photos, he will understand that I was on his phone again and again he will leave me guilty and it will be very difficult to keep it to myself.

Psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello, Svetlana!

I’m sorry that you found yourself in a difficult situation after giving birth, and are now under nervous tension. But I’m sure that there is a way out of this problem for you, so let’s find it together.

Based on the situation you wrote, we can come to the conclusion that your husband married you for carnal pleasure. You suited his parameters, so he decided to marry. But he does not have the concept of family as such, because there are no values. He doesn’t value you as a wife, he doesn’t value his daughter, he doesn’t value family relationships. So far he has only one thought in his head - to entertain himself. You, as a woman, according to his criteria, are no longer suitable for this, so he clings to your figure in order to somehow justify himself. Such men, as a rule, quickly wear out and lose the meaning of life if they do not stop in time.

What should you do in this case?

First, stop following him and reading his correspondence. First of all, you humiliate yourself as a woman. Is it worth losing your dignity for such a man? You won’t give him your brains, he will do what he wants. If you have talked to him about this topic more than once, he tried to change something, but still returned to his previous relationship with the woman, then this is his choice, and you can’t do anything about it.

Secondly, take care of yourself. Your soul needs peace, your health and the health of your baby depends on it. Think about this first. Your figure will return to normal when you feed and raise a small child. This is temporary, so I wouldn’t recommend paying attention to your husband’s comments. Your main task now is your daughter, her well-being depends on you.

Thirdly, I think that without trust in a person, it is difficult to build relationships. You have lost trust in your husband, so you constantly suspect him and because of this you are in nervous tension. This can have a detrimental effect on your health and your relationships. So take care of yourself and stop being nervous!

In order to maintain peace and tranquility in your soul, restore your self-esteem and protect your child from scandals, I would recommend that you leave your husband alone for a while so that he can think and make a choice. Give him this opportunity to decide in life. After this, make coordinated decisions in your life. Just don’t put yourself on the altar as a victim of a relationship, it won’t make you or your daughter any better. Make your husband respect himself and take himself into account. Convince him that you do not intend to tolerate such behavior and will take action if he does not change.

“Masha, he cheated on me!” - a grief-stricken girl sobs on her friend’s shoulder. Men, having learned about their wife’s infidelity, prefer to worry in silence. Or get drunk and somewhere on the last glass, hanging your head, in a mournful voice confess to your best friend about a knife in the back.

It's unpleasant for everyone. But is it worth killing yourself like that? Is it possible to fix everything? Is it necessary?

Reasons. Female and male psychology

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New look

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He said it was a long time ago. But that was recently, more precisely at Christmas the last time...

Married for 22 years, they have an adult daughter. I thought I had the best husband in the world. The betrayal lasted 15 years. The woman lives in the city where my husband and I left 2.5 years ago. Before this, the husband lived (worked) in another city for a year, i.e. their relationship for the last 3.5 years was irregular, but the correspondence continued. After I discovered her, my husband promised that their relationship would be over. I found it on one popular site (figured it out) and wrote it.

She answered and today I have 50 pages of correspondence between two...

“It’s just a colleague/friend/neighbor,” you explain to your best friend and to yourself. You have a husband or a permanent partner, but at the same time you communicate a lot with Him, you think about Him more and more often. Sometimes you even fantasize about what would happen if... Do you know that you are balancing on the edge of an abyss and moral betrayal is about to await you?

What is treason? No sex means our behavior is not considered cheating. This is how we used to think. That's what we like to think. This doesn't look like an affair at all. After all, we associate it with something stormy, passionate: with all-consuming desire, short moments spent in each other’s hot embrace, with well-conspiracy conversations on the phone or the Internet... Yes, romance really happens like that - but, for the most part, in movies or romance novels. In ordinary life, infidelity often has nothing to do with a volcano of passions.

It turns out that it is not the call of nature that forces the fair sex to pay close attention to other men, but... the need for intimacy, but in a broader sense of the word: attention, conversations. It sounds quite innocent - can this be considered cheating? But in fact, emotional betrayal can be more dangerous than physical betrayal, because it originates in the head, and it is literally one step away from adultery in its classic form. But, even without sharing a bed of love with a “friend” or “colleague”, you are betraying your husband, and the relationship can go to hell. Therefore, before you once again say: “It’s just a friend,” think about whether you are deceiving yourself. Here are tips that will help you understand whether this is moral betrayal or not, and distinguish ordinary friendly relationships from situations in which it’s time to ring all the bells.

Moral betrayal: the first signs

So, you should think hard if...

…you don’t tell your partner about Him

Of course, there is nothing criminal in dating – neither new nor old. A happy union is not at all a “symbiosis” that is typical for couples with a tiny amount of experience living together. But people who love each other have a need and, in a sense, an obligation to share their affairs and experiences. If your partner has no idea about your friend or the enthusiasm with which you communicate with him, this is a sign that you have something to hide. Standard excuses in the spirit of “Why bother your husband with all sorts of trifles” are an excuse that protects not your partner, but yourself.

What to do?

Think about why you are silent. Are you afraid that your partner will get jealous? But if you are afraid that he will limit your freedom of action, this means that you still expect it to continue. The forbidden fruit is always sweeter. Tell your partner something about your friend - maybe his charm will fade, and this will save you from emotional betrayal?

... He becomes important to you

Of course, one phone call every few days or a couple of emails during the day is not a cause for alarm. But if your contacts gradually turn into permanent ones, the situation becomes tense. You chat with him in the office instead of working on a project. In the evening you are preparing dinner, but every now and then you glance at the monitor to see what he wrote in response to a message on the social network. Instead of snuggling with your husband and cooing, you constantly fiddle with your keyboard, pretending to work. Can this be considered moral treason? To go beyond certain boundaries, it is not at all necessary to confess your love...

What to do?

Check how far your acquaintance has gone, whether you have become dependent on your friend, whether it has reached such a sin as emotional betrayal. Come up with some plausible excuse, and then gather your willpower and don’t check your email, don’t respond to his text messages, focus on your partner and family. Analyze how you feel without communicating with Him for at least a week. This will allow you to more soberly assess the situation, understand whether we are talking about adrenaline, impressions, or... after all, about contacts with someone with whom you are head over heels.

...you trust Him completely

You had intimate conversations about life, discussions about music, butterflies or computer programs - that’s not the point. Now you tell Him that you had a fight with your father, colleagues, and begin to reveal to him the details of your relationship with your partner, which you only talked about with your best friend. The “friend” also opens his world to you. Unnoticed by both, he begins to support you, help, care. Otherwise, how can you explain that it is he who encourages your desire for professional changes or tells you how to install a charger in your car. This way you build a relationship, a connection, brick by brick. And now, when you happen to get into something, you first dial His number, and do not call your husband.

What to do?

Think about why you don’t share your problems with your partner. What's going on between you? Is he always busy, considers your problems not worth a damn, and annoys you? If you satisfy your needs with another man, it is no longer so difficult for you to deal with problems in your relationship with your husband; you can give up on them. But your union will slowly die, because the main thing disappears - intimacy. Maybe you should try sharing more often with your own husband?

...you often compare Him to your husband

You are talking with a friend and sigh to yourself: “He is smarter/prettier/more enterprising/calmer than my husband,” “What a responsible person!” Finally I can rely on someone." This should also be a wake-up call for you: moral betrayal is looming on the horizon. You begin to praise the person who fulfills the needs that your partner could not meet. And you don’t even think about the fact that he also has shortcomings.

What to do?

On a piece of paper write down the traits of your husband that irritate you, and next to them write the traits of your friend that you consider the most valuable. Reflect on what and why irritates you about him. Have these shortcomings always been a problem for you? Maybe, for example, you once considered his restraint and taciturnity to be a masculine character? Now do the opposite - write down the positive traits of your husband and the shortcomings of your friend (yes, they will definitely be found if you take the trouble to be objective). The point of these manipulations is to see: there is no ideal, and every trait can get boring and get in the way of happiness. Perhaps such sobering will help you not to learn from personal experience what betrayal is.

...you think about Him more and more often

Don't fool yourself. If you hypnotize your phone with your gaze or the first thing you do after waking up is check if there is a message from Him, then you are not behaving like a friend, but like a woman in love. Answer yourself the question: are you so impatiently waiting for messages and signs from your partner? If intimate gestures appear between you and Him - “friendly” hugs, kisses on the cheek, and your heart beats faster - it seems that everything is clear with you. And if fantasies about physical intimacy also excite the imagination, it means that you have long crossed the permissible limit, and moral betrayal has already been added to the list of your sins.

What to do?

First, try to stop any physical contact between you. Every touch causes a rise in oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” in your body. Because of this, you lose the ability to think sensibly and logically, and you feel the need to overcome new barriers. Today there is a touch of hands, tomorrow there is a tender embrace, and in a few weeks you will not be able to resist the “real” betrayal, this time physical.

Work on mistakes

Such a difficult relationship on the verge of moral betrayal can become an excellent life lesson for you. The most important thing is to be sincere to yourself. This is very difficult because the brain, in self-defense, does everything to protect you from guilt and other unpleasant emotions. But by taking the ostrich position and convincing yourself that this is just friendship, you only complicate the situation.

On the other hand, paradoxically, the “other” can become a chance for your permanent relationship. Thanks to him, you will find out what you are missing in your partner, you will understand what you need to work on - of course, provided that you really don’t want to go further in your relationship with your “friend”. Moreover, if you understand that you are connected with him not only by friendship, it will be easier for you to find the strength to come to your senses and break off the dubious connection.

No one promises that it will be easy to understand yourself and admit emotional betrayal, especially since the combination of “husband + friend” can be simply ideal. Only in this case, you will not actually be close to any of them, and men will only become a tool to satisfy your needs. Would you like to be treated the same way?..