I don't want to live without him!

I will never be happy without him!

I will never love anyone again!

Yes, he cheated on me, but he only loves me!

I'll do anything to make sure he doesn't leave me!

He is my whole life!

(Here and henceforth He can be She too - author's note)

Have you ever said these words? Have you ever been in situations where your loved one is rude to you, does not answer calls, disappears for several days, cheats, or even wants to separate? And you, in spite of everything, drive away even the thought of breaking up? You have become a highly skilled spy, you can guess the password to his phone on the fifth try and have learned to track his car using GPS. You know who he's dating, when, where, and that she calls him "Mouse." You call him “goat”, but you still can’t quit. You begin to blame yourself for the fact that he is cheating on you, you begin to think that you need to go on vacation together and everything will work out. You come up with a hundred ways to solve the problem, except one: break up.

Or perhaps it’s the other way around: you stopped loving him and are trying in every possible way to leave, but he makes a scene, comes to work, sends flowers and gifts, kneels, is jealous, cries, threatens to jump from the balcony... And you stay with him. He's trying so hard. He loves you so much. No one will love you like that again. Never.

They are dependent relationships!

Dependent Relationships:

This is when the dependent partner is not ready to leave the relationship, even if the other partner wants to end it or practices behavior that leads to the suffering of the dependent partner.

Characters:

Partner number one is the one who engages in behavior that causes the dependent partner to suffer.

Partner number two is the dependent partner himself.

What is the difference between a dependent partner and an independent partner and from other normal people?

An independent person reasons like this: I’m cool - that’s why they love me.

An addict thinks like this: They love me - that means I’m cool (smart, handsome, worthy, correct) They don’t like me - I’m not cool (stupid, ugly, unworthy, wrong)

Why is everything bad? Conflict diagram:

At first everything is “okay”, there are expressed or implied rules of behavior (for example: everyone is loyal to each other, the money is shared, both take care of the children, go on vacation together)

At some point, the rules are changed by the First Partner, which is why the Second Partner begins to suffer. Now the First is unfaithful to the Second, or squeezes his pay, doesn’t care about the children, goes on vacation alone. He does all this together or separately, or something else that violates the original order of things.

The second one concludes that if the first one breaks the rules, it means he doesn’t love me, which means I’m not cool. How to become cool again? We must return his love! After all, when he loved me, I was cool.

But how can I do this if he offends me (cheats, screams, doesn’t give me money, wants to leave me)? After all, if he offends me, I should leave? And if I stay, then I'm kind of not very cool. But if I leave, I will definitely not be cool, because no one will love me. I'd rather be not very cool than not cool at all.

The main options for the Second's actions:

I scare him that I will leave (get sick, die). This also includes threats to tell everything (to children, parents, boss), and, of course, blackmail (with children, property, one’s own body). In general, in war as in war, all means are fair.

I give in to everything, if only he would stay with me.

Junction 1:

The first one behaves better, that is, he returns to all or some of the previous rules (everyone is faithful to each other, the money is shared, both take care of the children, go on vacation together)

Second One's thoughts: If First One behaves better, it's because he loves me. He loves me - I'm cool. But I remember that he caused me suffering, and I didn’t leave - I’m not very cool. Therefore, there will now always be a fly in the ointment. The second remembers this all the time and suffers.

Interchange 2.

The Second agrees to the new rules of the game, as long as the First does not leave him. Second's thoughts: he loves me - I'm cool again, but he (First) now offends me on a legitimate basis - I'm not very cool. And in this version, the Second constantly suffers.

But that is not all. We are talking about dependent relationships, friends, this means that there will be not just one episode, but many. That is, after some time, the First again takes up his task (does the same thing if he promised not to do it, or does even worse), and the dependent Second again suffers more than he is already used to. He needs to regain the love of the First again (that is, the feeling of being cool, or at least not very cool), but the previous means of influence are no longer enough. The second begins to humiliate himself even more or fight even more. The result is more suffering. And so on in a spiral.

Since the First cannot be defeated, there is no happy ending here. Here, or at some turn of the spiral, the Second may find himself in a very bad state and, if lucky, get out of the situation with outside help (friends, psychologists, doctors) - junction number 3, or else it happens junction number 4. This is when the First abandons the Second no matter what.

Part 2. How to get into trouble?

Not all Number Twos in dependent relationships have always been so dependent (they allowed themselves to be offended, suffered neglect, put their own interests below the interests of their loved one)

Yes, quite often the postulate “They love me - that means I’m cool” is laid down in childhood, but not always. It also happens that people become Second in the process of relationships with manipulators, narcissists, egoists, alcoholics and other dangerous individuals.

How to get into an addictive relationship? Very simple.

This happens if:

You were shown the good side and not the bad, or you yourself did not see it and did not notice the danger.

This often happens at the beginning of a relationship, when you don’t even notice major shortcomings, such as three children and a wife, not to mention such little things as a talent for negative manipulation.

You've seen the bad side, but you think the good outweighs it.

So what if he doesn’t call back for days, but no one has given me flowers or invited me to the theater for a hundred years! He has lipstick on his shirt, but he could have gotten dirty on the subway, but he promised to introduce me to my parents - that’s what’s important!)

You were looking for the bad side, because this is the only scenario in which you know how to play.

In your “record” everyone is like that, they can compete with each other for the title “Your Best Personal Tyrant and Tormentor.” But they are not enough for you, you are looking for a special talent, although you won’t admit it to anyone (even yourself).

Part 3. How to stay in a dependent relationship?

It all depends on your personal characteristics.

You will succeed if :

1. You are a child

If you don't really know what your needs really are and you think something like this:

I’m ready for anything for him, I’ll wash his shirts and cook duck in apples (I’ll go to the ends of the world, quit my job, quit my friends and lose 10 kilograms. And a half, if necessary) If only we were together. The question of what you will do together does not bother you - anything, as long as he is with me. You expect Him to take responsibility for your time together and for you. For leisure, he may take it temporarily. For you - no.

You need to grow up. You can speed up the process by starting to think about your life path, needs, and responsibilities. Keyword here awareness. To learn to be aware of your desires and actions, it is useful to start with questions: how am I in this relationship? When do I feel good? When I feel bad? How do I feel when He does such and such? What am I missing? All answers must not contain the word “he”. That is, “I want Him to give me gifts” is not correct. “I want to feel like a woman” - correct). At some point you will see that there are other ways to satisfy your needs, and the light does not converge on Him like a wedge.

2. You think that it’s better not to find him

If your needs were not met before meeting Him, and you are going to satisfy them at the expense of Him.

That is, you imagine that his life remains the same as before the relationship with you (the same job, place of residence, environment, etc.), and yours will change - you will stop working, move in with him, his friends will become yours etc. Now, even if your needs are partially met (even if only 10 percent), you think that this is the best you can find.

Most often, in dependent relationships, the basic needs with partial satisfaction are survival (it’s easier with Him), self-identification (identifying oneself with some group, for example, married women) and love (he’s the only one who needs me). And even if he manipulates you, does not help you financially (although he could) or does not agree to the child, you continue to believe that he is the best you can get on this earth.

Hint: how to get out of an addictive relationship in this case : without it (on your own) achieve better results than with it. Then do some simple arithmetic to clearly see what is more profitable without it. It is useful to do all this also with emotional debits and credits.

3. You DO NOT think about the price

If you think that your needs are being met (even partially), but you don’t think about the price you pay for this satisfaction, which is too high. For example, you have a need for social recognition. He takes you to a corporate party at his company on New Year’s and March 8th, where you play the role of the boss’s wife, so you try to ignore the fact that the other thirty-three parties of the year he is not with you, he often does not spend the night at home and recently called you by someone else's name.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

Analyze what is really important to you. Ask yourself how you really feel when he doesn’t stay home and doesn’t answer his calls? Is it really possible to deceive you? What exactly are you no longer willing to tolerate? And answer, of course.

4. You live in illusions and self-deception

If you think that your needs are being met (even partially), but this is not the case. For example, you are regularly kicked out of your home, but you continue to think that you have a place to live. Or you think you have a family, but your partner has no intention of marrying you and is regularly seen with other girls.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

We need to figure out where the truth is and where the lies are. Moreover, not only the one that He tells you, but also the one that you tell yourself. In this case, an outside perspective (from friends, family, psychologists) will be very useful.

5. Your self-esteem is below par.

You are a person with low self-esteem and feel grateful that He even looked at you. And you don’t see any particular tragedy in the fact that He often mocks you, since the first thing is more important to you.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

Think about yourself. Only awareness of one’s own qualities, desires, and actions will give the correct perspective on the qualities, desires and actions of other people.

The key to success is development. Take care of yourself!

6. You are naive

You are aware of the “wrongness” of what is happening, but you believe that He will change.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

The spiral of mutual behavior of partners, which we talked about when describing the phenomenon of dependent relationships, is always negative: it may be worse, but not better. The behavior of the First partner may briefly return to the previous turn, but never to the beginning of the spiral. And always - with subsequent progressive deterioration.

7. You are very naive

You are aware that what is happening is “wrong”, but you believe that you can change it. If you do this and that.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

You think you can change it because you haven't tried yet. You can try or read point 6.

8. You live in a fantasy world and don’t want to see reality.

That's why you don't understand what's wrong. But you regularly have breakdowns, tantrums and mood swings. You are offended by him, but then you yourself justify him, and you become ashamed of your behavior.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

All the answers are not outside, but inside. Your body is sending you a signal that something is wrong. If you ignore it, it will only get worse. It’s better to figure out what’s bothering you with a specialist.

9. You are driven by guilt.

When you are in a relationship that brings you pain, you are punishing yourself for something. For example, you once cheated on your partner, and you believe that therefore he has the moral right to mock you. Or do you consider yourself obligated to endure his antics because you cannot give birth to a child, for example. Feelings of guilt do not have to be towards your partner. It can be in front of children, parents, society and even in front of oneself.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

Even in court, not everyone gets a life sentence, but everyone gets a lawyer. You need to get a good “lawyer” and work with him to determine the size of the penalty. It is quite possible that you have already completed your sentence.

But if not, then set a day for release, and leave prison on that day. If you want to stay in prison, despite the fact that you have served your time, then your point is different, for example, 4, 5 or 10.

Anyone who needs a “lawyer”, please contact me.

10. You feel sorry for your investment.

You have invested so much in this relationship! Time, effort, money, health, tears, hopes. And you are sitting in a sick relationship, so that “it’s not in vain,” because “you gave him your best years.”

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

Imagine you invested money in an unprofitable business. There were also a lot of hopes and plans associated with him. But it burns out, and you realize it. Because you invest more and more, the situation changes slightly - it is still unprofitable. And the point is not that you feel sorry for losing, you HAVE ALREADY lost. The only question is HOW MUCH MORE you will lose before you realize that your unprofitable business cannot be revived. If you doubt it, read point 7.

11. Someone else’s scenario: everyone lives like this. Or “Mom always wanted me to marry a dentist”

Well, yes, then it turned out that this dentist is a bit of a womanizer, a bit of a spender, a bit of an egoist and drinks a lot. But Mashka’s husband is like that, even worse - he’s not a dentist. And the mother is happy: her daughter is well settled. And what suffers - everyone suffers...

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

It is not enough to realize that you are living according to someone else’s scenario and suffering in order to make someone else (mother) or no one happy. Imagine you are playing a play in the theater that was written for you by a screenwriter. Nonstop. Twenty-four hours a day. And if at first it was even interesting, now you can hardly restrain yourself from shooting other actors and the audience with your fake gun. There is only one way out: stop the game and go out of the theater onto the street. Even if other actors and audiences don't like it.

12. This is your script - the only one you know how to play.

That is, this is not the first dependent relationship in your life. Therefore, you already know all the rules and subtleties. And, most likely, the previous relationship did not end with your voluntary departure, judging by the fact that you again found yourself in the same ones.

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

You need to find a positive example of another scenario. This could be a healthy relationship between people you know, characters from books or movies. IT HAPPENS. And maybe you will, when you decide and learn to play a different role that you like.

13. You are “at war.” You cannot forgive him for something and want to punish him. To do this you need to be close

Hint: how to get out of a dependent relationship in this case:

You need to understand two things: When will there be victory, and what will you do after the victory?

1. When is your victory day? Let's say you believe that you will feel better (morally) when you win. Then, if victory is planned for the near future, why not win?

But if it is scheduled for 2034, and it would be nice to answer the question, are you really going to suffer for another twenty years and then you will get better? So what if it doesn't? After all, if victory is scheduled for the day after tomorrow, realizing that things haven’t gotten better, you can correct the course, but after twenty years it will be at least more difficult to do.

If you don’t know what will happen AFTER, then at least decide what will happen BEFORE. It is clear that he must suffer, but what are you doing? Anything to make him suffer?

Devoting your life to creating suffering for another person is not a very noble goal. And he’ll be fat, don’t you think? Maybe give him something less than your life?

And if you know that after defeating him you will enroll in French courses, go on dates and resume your morning jogs, then maybe you can start now? After all, it may turn out that you realize that you have already won.

Part 4. How to get out of an addictive relationship?

It usually happens in life that there is not one, but several reasons (points) that chain Dependent partners to destructive relationships with a heavy chain. That’s why we’ve looked in such detail here at all kinds of clues that illuminate the path to the exit.

The exit itself consists of two steps:

1. Final and irrevocable exit from dependent relationships.

2. Returning (or building) strong confidence that I am awesome no matter what. And from no one.

© E. Jero, 2013
© Published with the kind permission of the author

Respect for one's own and others' boundaries, one's own and others' interests and needs is a feature of such relationships. Mature love says: “I will do everything in My Power to Help You Optimally Realize Your Abilities, Even If It Means That Sometimes You Have To Be Away From Me And Do Things Without Me.” In a mature relationship, there is always a lot of space left to satisfy your own needs, to achieve your own goals and individual personal growth.

True love is not possessive love, it respects and admires the partner, and does not use him to satisfy his needs. In dependent relationships, the partner is perceived as property. True love brings a feeling of satisfaction and a sense of harmony in life. There is little anxiety or hostility in her. In dependent relationships there is no feeling of satisfaction and harmony, there is a lot of dissatisfaction and suppressed anger, and there are many complaints against each other.

Truly loving people are independent of each other, autonomous, not jealous, but at the same time they strive to help another person in self-realization, are proud of his victories, are generous and caring. Mature love says: “I Can Live Without You, but I Love You and That’s why I Want to Be Close to You.” Addicted people are united with each other, each of them does not have a separate psychological territory. They are jealous, they are possessive, they cannot live without each other - their connection is forced.

For true love, the ability to give without asking for anything in return is an expression of strength and abundance. By giving, a mature person receives pleasure, and this in itself is compensation for his emotional, physical and material costs. A person who is inclined to create dependent relationships is oriented towards love - transaction, love - exploitation. He cannot give without asking for anything in return, and having given, he feels used, empty, deceived.

Personal responsibility is an integral part of mature love. In dependent relationships, either one’s responsibility is transferred to the partner, or there is hyper-responsibility.

From all of the above it follows that love is a relationship between mature, psychologically adult and independent people. Every person, no matter what his childhood was like, by working on himself, can overcome his tendency to dependency and learn to love.

Dependent relationships in friendship. What is Emotional Addiction?

Long before Mary and Sarah entered into a homosexual relationship, they were already involved in an emotionally dependent relationship. Emotional dependence, by our definition, is:
a state in which the constant presence and/or care of another is considered necessary to provide a sense of personal security.

Caring manifests itself in various forms of contact between the lives of one person and another:

• attention,
• hearing,
• Delight,
• advice and guidance (consulting),
• affirmation (encouragement),
• time spent together.

Emotionally dependent relationships may seem harmless or even completely healthy at first, but they can also lead to ruin and more severe addiction than most people realize. Whether or not a physical relationship also exists, sin is already present when a friendship develops into emotional dependence. To highlight the differences between normal codependency found in healthy relationships and unhealthy dependency, we will look at the factors that lead to dependent relationships: how and why they arise and how they develop.

Basic Characteristics of Dependency Relationships

Each of us has a need for close friendships, placed in us by God. How do we know whether the ways we are trying to satisfy this need are justified and acceptable? Is there any way to determine when we have crossed the line between us and addiction? Here are some signs of emotional addiction:

When one (or both) participants:

• often experience jealousy, possessiveness, and a desire for exclusive possession, perceiving other people as a threat to existing relationships
• prefer to spend time alone with each other and feel dissatisfied if this does not happen
• experiences unreasonable/irrational anger or depression when a friend pulls away slightly
• loses interest in all other friendships besides these
• experiences romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasies about that person
• preoccupied with thoughts and concerns about the appearance, personality, problems and interests of the partner
• disinclined to plan anything (long or short term) without the participation of another
• unable to really see the other's flaws, becomes defensive if someone asks about their relationship
• shows his feelings (including through physical contact) more strongly than is acceptable for friendship
• often mentions another in conversation, feels free to speak “for” another or on his behalf
• Shows closeness and intimacy towards a partner that makes others feel awkward and embarrassed.

When you are in a dependent relationship, you are facing your partner and your back is to yourself. Your personal life is now far from being in the first place for you; the life of your chosen one is much more important. So turn 180 degrees and look at your own life. Dependency is when a partner gives you something that you do not give to yourself. It’s as if there’s an emptiness in your soul, and your partner fills this emptiness with his presence. This emptiness is self-dislike. Start today to fill that hole with love. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a list of what your chosen one gives you. Maybe joy? Feeling needed? Or, for example, care? Gives you a feeling of trepidation in your soul?

Try to write a long list and then look at each item and think about the last time you gave it to yourself. Yesterday? Or maybe never? Starting today, start giving yourself everything you didn’t give before.
Remember: respect, love, interest, care are mutual feelings. Only those who respect themselves are respected. They take care of those who take care of themselves. They show sincere interest in those who are interesting to themselves. They love only those who love themselves. Healthy relationships are built on those feelings that each partner already knows how to give to himself. Start respecting, loving, caring for yourself, and taking an interest in yourself.

From now on, do with yourself everything that you previously could only get from your partner. Articles about increasing confidence and self-love will help you with this. And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. In it, I collected the most effective and working techniques with the help of which I once learned to love myself, raised my self-esteem and increased my self-confidence. This book will help you get rid of addiction and become a free, whole and happy person.

Establishing a deep emotional connection with another person is possible only by gaining psychological autonomy. This relationship is characterized by a feeling of joy. The motivation for entering into such a relationship is love. A deep feeling for a partner, cooperation and trust distinguishes such relationships.

Respect for one’s own and others’ boundaries, one’s own and others’ interests and needs is a feature of such relationships. Mature love says, “I will do everything in my power to help you maximize your abilities, even if that means sometimes you have to be away from me and do things without me.” In a mature relationship, there is always a lot of space left to satisfy your own needs, to achieve your own goals and individual personal growth.
True love is not possessive love, it respects and admires the partner, and does not use him to satisfy his needs. In dependent relationships, the partner is perceived as property. True love brings a feeling of satisfaction and a sense of harmony in life. There is little anxiety or hostility in her. In dependent relationships there is no feeling of satisfaction and harmony, there is a lot of dissatisfaction and suppressed anger, and there are many complaints against each other.

Truly loving people are independent of each other, autonomous, not jealous, but at the same time they strive to help another person in self-realization, are proud of his victories, are generous and caring. Mature love says: “I can live without you, but I love you and that’s why I want to be near you.” Addicted people are united with each other, each of them does not have a separate psychological territory. They are jealous, they are possessive, they cannot live without each other - their connection is forced.

For true love, the ability to give without asking for anything in return is an expression of strength and abundance. By giving, a mature person receives pleasure, and this in itself is compensation for his emotional, physical and material costs. A person who tends to create dependent relationships is oriented towards love-transaction, love-exploitation. He cannot give without asking for anything in return, and having given, he feels used, empty, deceived.
A mature, adult person knows his partner and realistically evaluates his qualities. But at the same time, she appreciates him for who he is, and helps him grow and open up personally, helps for his own sake, and not for the sake of him serving him. The addict does not have a realistic idea of ​​his partner. He cannot accept his partner as he is, he strives to educate him and remake him for himself.

A mature person respects his partner, his psychological territory, his psychological boundaries. Love is born in freedom and cannot exist in captivity. When freedom is encroached upon, it begins to disappear. In dependent relationships, psychological boundaries are violated, there is no respect for the partner and his psychological territory. The sprouts of love, if there were any, fade.
Personal responsibility is an integral part of mature love. In dependent relationships, either one’s responsibility is transferred to the partner, or there is hyper-responsibility.

A mature person strives for a relationship in which both partners have the opportunity to fully reveal their individuality and live in love with each other. A spiritually mature person takes another person's personal growth and development as seriously as they take their own. He is ready and able to agree with others and be his support, without renouncing his individuality and without allowing himself to be harmed.
From all of the above it follows that love is a relationship between mature, psychologically adult and independent people. Every person, no matter what his childhood was like, by working on himself, can overcome his tendency to dependency and learn to love.

Dependent relationships, how to fix them. How to get out of an addictive relationship

• To correct this state of affairs, you will have to be patient. Changing your own attitudes and habitual behavior is not easy, it will take time, but, as they say, there would be a desire. And you need to start by admitting that you constantly find yourself in dependent relationships because you suffer from a lack of self-love and do not know how to love yourself, much less, make up for the lack of this feeling on your own.
• Without accepting the problem and the fact that you need help, nothing will work. Since the problem lies within you, and not in the outside world, you can also fix it exclusively within yourself, and without trying to change men.
• Moreover, attempts to solve a problem at the expense of another lead to the fact that you direct all your resentment and anger not at the one who is to blame for starting this flywheel of problems with low self-esteem and lack of love, but at the one who carelessly did something that simply reminded you of the negativity that once befell you as a child from your parents.
• Realize, finally, and accept it as a given, like the sunrise and gravity, that you are worthy of love simply because you are you and it is you who can give it to yourself. No one else, not parents, not a beloved man, not children, not friends, not society. You and no one else. Because you know better than anyone how you want it.

Dependent relationships are always a destructive situation for both in a couple.
What to do and who will help solve the problem?

A dependent relationship is a situation in which both partners are unhappy, but neither can leave. Everyone stays for their own reasons. Dependency in a relationship is a constant focus on another person. It begins to seem that he is the best, the most ideal and you will never find anyone like him again. These strong feelings are often called love, although this is exactly how addiction manifests itself.
Roles in dependent relationships
Each participant in a dependent relationship has their own role. The first is the one who loves less. He may have some positive feelings for his partner, but more often he does not. The second one is the one who has become dependent, the one who he believes loves more. And although it is about the second that it is said “became dependent,” it cannot be said that the first is not in it. Dependent relationships are ropes with which both are tied to each other and both suffer.
When does the problem appear? Most often - from the first minutes of the relationship. The main problem is that one of the partners (and sometimes both) evaluate themselves through the prism of the relationship. That is, his positive assessment of his own personality is not built on its own, but on the fact that he is loved. If they are not liked, the rating automatically becomes negative. This is what makes a person cling to a relationship: without love from a partner, he feels like nothing and tries to return it as much as possible, adapting to requirements, enduring things that are unpleasant for himself, and doing much more.
Signs of a “sick” relationship
Dependent relationships have many signs, but there are some basic ones:
1. The partner shifts responsibility for his condition to another. If the other does not meet the requirements, the partner tells him that he is to blame for all the troubles. And he sincerely thinks so.
2. One of the partners is treated like a child. Instead of building relationships on equal terms, the couple accepts a game in which one is a child (small, defenseless), and the second is an adult who takes care of him (strong, powerful). At first this may seem like a rather cute game, but over time the adult turns into a tyrant, and the child into a victim.
3. Couples do not discuss their feelings. Any conversation boils down to a scandal; as a result, both partners cease not only to express, but to realize their feelings. Therefore, from time to time quarrels and scandals occur out of nowhere, because the accumulated energy needs to be released somewhere.
4. Isolation of one in a pair. One of the partners completely devotes his life to the other, without imagining any other behavior.
It is almost impossible to work with dependent relationships on your own. This is especially true for an addicted partner, since he simply does not realize the full depth of the problem. And the one on whom they depend is also not always ready to end the game of love, because the other one may behave inappropriately. A very common reaction of an addicted person to being abandoned is to attempt suicide. Not everyone is ready to live with such a burden, even if it fails.
There is a solution to the problem: work with a specialist. A psychologist who understands the processes occurring in an addicted couple can not only help her get out of the situation, but also build relationships in such a way as to alleviate the condition of both partners during therapy.

Video Dependent relationships. How to get out of an addictive relationship

Dependent relationships psychology. Dependent relationships: exhausting running in circles.

Dependent relationships were, are and will be, since so far babies are born to very living mothers and the duet model of relationships is laid down from birth. The question is to what extent the child will be able to overcome this phase of codependency and gain, as an adult, the inner freedom to remain himself when someone else is nearby.

A trivial case is a woman who has been married since she was 19 years old. Two children. Starting from the second year of marriage, the husband is a “bastard.” Now she is 40. She is still married! Somewhere, about ten years ago, she began having adultery. Well, the lover also “could have behaved differently,” but it’s love, and it’s impossible to separate. She lives in the “unbreakable” hope that both husband and lover will eventually come to their senses and finally understand that “she is the best”! From time to time, both partners “feed” her with vague hints about her special role and importance in their lives. But, as a rule, they are dissatisfied with her here and there, and indignation at her “wrong” behavior (in fact, just some of her desires) increases year by year. Thus, she cannot get off the treadmill: what if she will someday be able to satisfy them once and for all?! Moreover, in her inner space the idea of ​​“who is right and who is wrong” is constantly changing: now she is a husband, now she is a lover. In the same way, her role in relationships changes endlessly: either she is a victim, or (when she is offended and does not speak) she is a tyrant. And so the model of classic addictive behavior unfolds ad infinitum. Such an exhausting model of life, however, occurs not only in love couples, but also in friendly duets, with parents, children, and bosses. However, unfortunately, it does not occur to most people that the boring status quo can be changed, that it is possible to get out of the vicious circle. Even fewer come to therapy. But it is quite possible to make your life easier, and subsequently not pass on the “defective” model of behavior to your children. I would even dare to suggest that in this way, with slow steps, society as a whole would be able to reach a very real democracy, in which the level of responsibility for one’s own behavior and life should be quite high. And this is precisely what addicted people have trouble with.

How to recognize whether you are addicted or not?

Firstly, a dependent person, as I already said, cannot directly express some of his feelings and desires to his partner, since this can cause disapproval, anger and even outbursts of rage in the partner. And the state of conflict or some kind of “disagreement” is unbearable for the addict. In his mental reality, such things can cause acute anxiety; the fear of losing a relationship or being a “bad” person in it increases instantly and simply paralyzes the person. Accordingly, the addict experiences real restrictions in his behavior.

In addition, a dependent person periodically experiences an obsessive need to act in a certain certain way, so that everything with the partner remains the same, “as always.” Even if, for example, a woman went to work, picked up her child from school, went shopping, and she really no longer has the strength to cook dinner, she, exhausted from fatigue, will still go to the stove, where an internal fear obsessively drives her, what if the husband will not receive dinner, he will be angry and will consider her a “bad” wife, woman, etc. And if the addict feels that “something is wrong”, that the partner somehow looked at him wrong, then the addict’s whole life practically goes to hell. Until the relationship stabilizes and the old “paradise” returns, the addict will be excluded from other relationships, work, entertainment, etc. Moreover, the second half in this couple clearly knows what the first half is hooked on. And if something goes wrong, he simply begins to “tyrannize” the dependent partner. That is, there are clear messages that the partner is categorically forbidden to do, feel, or desire something, otherwise the relationship will be in jeopardy. And then the dependent person cannot cope with his overwhelming anxiety other than by again performing actions “pleasing” to his partner.

And here I want to emphasize the most important difference in the psyche of an addicted person. The fact is that an addicted person often does not realize his anxiety about losing the relationship or disappointing his partner. Moreover, he blames his partner for his uncomfortable internal state and does not consider his anxiety “abnormal.” And he doesn’t understand that he needs help. Such people come to therapy, at best, in order to “correct someone else” who behaves wrongly, for some reason does not understand how cruel, sadistic he is, etc. A dependent person cannot understand that what he allows what to do with himself is, first of all, his responsibility and no one else’s. It is he who allows himself to be treated this way out of fear that he will be rejected, devalued, abandoned... Such people, and this is another characterological feature, have very poorly developed self-support, self-respect, self-confidence, and personal significance.

How can you help yourself?

However, realizing that you are addicted, unfortunately, does not lead to real changes in life. The “trick” is that in the psyche there must be a change in attitude towards oneself and the world around, and this can only be done through contact with another, in this case, with a therapist. A friend or girlfriend will not be able to help, since the dependent person turns to them for support in order to attract an ally to their side, and thereby automatically “pushes” them into the role of “rescuer”. The “rescuer,” at the same time, immediately takes full responsibility for the addict’s life. He MUST save!!! But the addict will be cured only when he realizes and feels through the experience of interaction that only he himself must change, change his behavior. And that the circumstances preventing him from doing this are surmountable. Through discomfort, sadness, inconvenience and anger, but surmountable! For the sake of freedom and something better in this life... At the same time, it is not at all a fact that the relationship with your partner will be severed: it is simply quite possible to build contact with him on other terms! And this, by the way, can give a new charge to your relationship.

Love or addiction? Normal relationship

Love or addiction, what is a normal relationship? We can love and be in relationships that inspire us, but at the same time such relationships may not be healthy. It happens that people build dependent relationships that are based mainly on love and very little on the world around them. You can simply close yourself in your “love nest” and focus only on the feeling of love. Sometimes such relationships are suitable for partners, but this is not the type of healthy relationship.

What is a dependent relationship?

Basically, in such relationships, partners have complementary personality traits. Often this is a dependent woman and a man who supports such dependence. Thus, a woman or girl completely relies on the help of her partner, to such an extent that she cannot imagine life without him. A man has the same feelings; he likes the role of a protector so much that he cannot imagine life without the idea of ​​protecting, providing and generally solving all life issues of his partner. However, it is not a fact that this type of relationship is divided into male and female roles. It is quite possible that a woman can take the main role in a man’s life and solve all his life issues.

Passively dependent personality traits :

There are people with personality traits that lead to these attitudes and behavior. Partners with such personality characteristics in dependent relationships complement their partners, and in this way maintain the overall dependence. A dependent person who expects full support and a solution to all his problems in life from his partner is an insecure person who is very afraid of loneliness. Such a person is able to become so dependent on his partner that he feels completely inadequate, even at the thought of losing his partner. A dependent person feels merging with a partner and often loses his or her personality in the relationship. In situations where their partner leaves them, they fall into deep depression and complete hopelessness.

Actively dependent personality traits:

The one who maintains dependence in a relationship, the one who takes everything upon himself, is also dependent, only in the opposite sense. We are dependent on helping other people, we are dependent on our role as a protector. Such people often become attracted to people who have emotional, family, or other problems. They “stick” to people who need help, because they have an irresistible desire to help them and become the most important person in their life. Such people often spend all their energy, time and money on their partner, saving him in various unpleasant situations. Dependent people become fixated on meaninglessness and try to find meaning by helping other people. A strong feeling of fear of loneliness; life itself seems meaningless to them when there is no one to help. When a partner leaves him, he feels the same emptiness and confusion as a passively dependent person.

The main reason for dependent relationships:

This is the main reason why partners with complementary personality traits often stay together forever. They create a vicious circle of dependent relationships, with one of the partners constantly in need of help, and the other always trying to solve all his problems. In this way they mutually support their love. They often think that their love is more intimate and stronger than that of other people. However, such dependent love is unhealthy! In such relationships, partners lose their individuality and identity. For them, the end of a relationship or marriage is “the end of the world”; there is no happiness after it. They have already found everything they need in life in their partner, and it often happens that they completely lose contact with the outside world.

What is a normal relationship?

Normal relationships are exactly the opposite of dependent relationships. In a healthy relationship, partners also love each other endlessly, but the difference is that in addition to what they love, they also do other things. healthy love
implies that the partners are one, but each has their own interests and each leads their own social life. Partners go about their own business that interests them, have their own and mutual friends and do not lose contact with the rest of the world, everyone has their own interests. In such relationships, partners go to different events together, and sometimes separately. They support each other, and this does not mean that they always do everything together. Sometimes there may be a desire to go or leave somewhere, separately and without a partner, and after that again continue a normal relationship. Such relationships have their own inner world, which is important for them, but at the same time, everyone understands that there is a real world of which they are a part.

When a normal relationship breaks down, partners naturally endure this painfully, but continue to think rationally about themselves and do not perceive the breakup as “the end of the world.” Partners go through a normal grieving process, but do not become deeply depressed. In a normal relationship, each partner will remain what he really is. In dependent relationships, partners become something they are not. They unite with their partner as a single whole and this results in confusion in the relationship between partners and the real world. All this is due to incorrectly set boundaries. When a dependent relationship is broken, who the person was and who he could become is often lost.

Emotional dependence on a relationship with another person can be redirected from one partner to another. They say, “Wedges are knocked out with wedges,” in my opinion, this is about dependent relationships. There is an idea that in order to quickly forget one partner, you need to meet another. From my observations, this really works; you can forget about your partner and get carried away by someone else. But what’s sad is that emotional dependence doesn’t go away.

Emotional dependence is dependence on a relationship with another person. Emotional dependence can be very difficult to recognize, as its presence is often confused with strong love feelings. Culture intensively plays up the images of those who loved and died on the same day, or those who suffered in the name of true love, and thereby elevates psychological deviation to the rank of the norm. In science, a person who cannot live without another person is called a child (or disabled person). However, in the eyes of most of the globe, the experience of one person who cannot live without another is called love. I have repeatedly heard the phrases: “If I didn’t love, I wouldn’t worry so much” or “I suffer because I love.” Suffering, the inability to be oneself or to be happy without another, sometimes completely abstract “person who would love me” or “a person who would be next to me,” are inextricably linked with love. Many people live in unsatisfactory, destructive relationships, believing that this is how it should be - “so that feelings are strong and it is impossible to be without each other for a long time” - and not understanding that it could be different.

A healthy, harmonious personality is able to create relationships with many other individuals. This is due to the fact that “a person’s central motivation is the internal need to achieve rich, complex and passionate relationships with himself, parents, peers, community, animals, nature, the environment and the spiritual world” (L. Marcher, Danish psychotherapist). A self-sufficient person is This is not the one who does not experience emotional experiences and the need to form close relationships with other people, this is the one who is not destroyed by them, who does not make another person the guarantee of his happiness or unhappiness.

Signs of emotional dependence:

1. Happiness is possible only if there is a relationship and another person who loves or who is nearby;

2. Love and friendship are impossible without complete dissolution in each other, without completely surrendering life to the disposal of another person;

3. Relationships become destructive, accompanied by strong jealousy, numerous serious conflicts, and a constant threat of rupture, but it does not reach a real, final break;

4. Relationships are difficult, without relationships it is impossible;

5. The absence of a relationship, an object of love/attachment, or the thought of absence causes severe pain, fear, depression, apathy, despair;

6. It is impossible to break off a relationship on your own: “Until he leaves me on his own, we will not be able to part.”

Relationships in which there is emotional dependence are always very tense, conflictual, difficult relationships. This is due to the fact that if one person is so significant for another person that all of his “good”, all of his well-being, all of his happiness depends on him, then all of his “bad”, all of his misfortunes also depend entirely on the other person . There is no need to delude yourself on this score. Love coupled with emotional dependence is always associated with hatred in the end, since the hunger of an emotionally dependent person cannot be satisfied.

Another feeling that always accompanies dependent relationships is resentment. Resentment is a feeling of victimhood, a feeling that is born when a person cannot express his primary feelings - anger and pain and adequately respond to another person causing him pain.

The development of a tendency toward emotional (and any other) dependence occurs during infancy, from one month to one and a half years. During this period, the child develops an idea of ​​how his interaction with the outside world works (and will work in the future). He forms an idea about whether the world (at that time in the person of mom and dad) hears him or not, whether it satisfies his needs for security, nutrition, bodily comfort, communication, acceptance, love or does not satisfy, and if it does, then to what extent, how completely. Developmental disorders in this period give rise to a person’s feeling of “hunger” for relationships, for love, for affection, for emotional and physical intimacy. Such a person is in constant search for an “ideal parent”, a person who would compensate him for what he once did not receive: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, reading his needs without saying them out loud, immediate satisfaction of his needs - and would satisfy him with your love. Of course, it is impossible to obtain it in this form. There is only one period in life when our needs can be met in such an ideal way - this is childhood. Not being able to receive this from another person creates intense anger, pain and despair. And again, the hope that someday someone will love us so much that he will understand perfectly everything we want and do it for us, will be with us all the time and will always be within reach of contact.

Dealing with emotional addiction

1. Working with emotional dependence consists of constantly separating yourself from the object of dependence, from constantly turning to yourself with questions: “what? I I want that to me do you need?", "Does the other person want it or do I want it?", "What exactly do I need?", "How do I understand whether I am getting something or not getting it?", "By what signs will I understand that I am loved and do they accept? An emotionally dependent person needs to learn to distinguish between his feelings and the feelings of another person, his own and other people's needs. It is important to understand that you and your object are not the same thing, you cannot and should not necessarily experience the same feelings or have the same desires. This type of relationship is needed between mother and child, so that the mother understands and satisfies the needs of the baby until he can talk about them himself. But for adults, this type of relationship is a dead end; it does not provide the development that occurs when differences come into contact. Work with emotional dependence should be constantly aimed at distinguishing oneself from another person: “Here I am, and here he is. Here we are similar, and here we are different. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he can have his, and this is not a threat to our intimacy. We don’t have to give up relationships, contacts, in order to satisfy our various desires.”

2. An important point is recognizing your own needs and desires and finding ways to satisfy them outside your partner. Receiving love and support is not only possible from one person. The more sources of obtaining them, the less burden falls on the partner. The more a person is independent in meeting his needs, the less he depends on another person.

3. It is important to remember that the source of love and acceptance can be not only external, but also internal. The more such sources you find, the less you will depend on the people around you and their acceptance or rejection of you. Look for what nourishes, supports, inspires and develops you. These can be spiritual values, interests, hobbies, hobbies, one’s own qualities and personal characteristics, as well as one’s own body, feelings, and sensations.

4. Notice moments when you are loved and supported, even if these are small signs of attention. Say to yourself that at this moment you are seen, heard, accepted. And be sure to turn to the body and physical sensations, since the period of formation of a tendency to addiction is infancy, the period of dominance of the body and its needs. It is through physical contact with the mother and other loved ones, through nutrition and bodily comfort, that the child understands that he is loved and is the first to learn to recognize his bodily needs. At the moment when you receive love and support from others, turn your attention to the body, notice how the body reacts to it, where and how in the body you feel that you are loved, what those sensations are. Remember them and turn to them at the moment when you need it, without involving other people.

5. Learn to face the fact that other people cannot be with you all the time, cannot recognize without words what you want or do not want, cannot express their love all the time. Each person has his own rhythm of intimacy and alienation, activity and peace, communication and solitude, giving and receiving. Having their own rhythm, and periodically leaving close contact, they do not stop loving you less and do not become bad. The most prosperous child in a loving family (not to mention the world around him) is faced with the fact that not all of his needs can be met, or satisfied immediately, or in the form in which he wants. This is truly impossible. You can regret this, be sad, but you don’t have to be destroyed by it.

6. Imagine what would happen if you lost your external source of emotional well-being - a partner (friend, group of friends or like-minded people). It will probably be painful, unbearable, bitter, scary, difficult. Try to get through it. It's not easy, but it's your experience, your life. Rely on the resources that I talked about in points 3 and 4. Remember the period when this person was not yet in your life. You lived without him, although perhaps it was difficult for you. Nevertheless, life went on as usual.

7. What is the most beautiful thing about your relationship with another person (or maybe in a relationship with another person)? Describe this in as much detail as possible. What do you need most from him? Describe this feeling or ideal state. Remember it or recreate it. Try to feel it with your whole body. Where in your body does it originate? Remember this place and these feelings. Stay in this state for some time. Then think about other ways you can get it in your life.

Addiction is an attempt to live off someone else's resources (or substances). The best cure for addiction is to live your life.

(c) Elena Sultanova, consultant psychologist, trauma therapist, trainer
Source