Are there any relationships in the world like the relationship between mother and child? The relationship is absolutely unique in its strength, depth and significance. Relationships that largely determine our lives.

“The winner is the one who can
rejoice in your mother.”
Bert Hellinger

Mom is our first world, our first life is the promised land. Life is full of unity, warmth, harmony and comfort. All the most important and fundamental things are connected with our mother. Our deepest idea of ​​happiness: when hearts beat in unison, when all feelings and thoughts are one, when you and I are one. This is the time of life in the mother's womb. It is usually this unity that we want to replicate in a couple relationship.

Historically, in all traditions, special attention was paid to a woman and her role in the family. A mother has a limitless and profound influence on the soul of her child at any age. In the first years of his life, the child is actively engaged in “absorbing” his mother. Everything that she is filled with in her soul. Tradition, culture, and ways of survival are absorbed through the mother.

Therefore, the child needs to absorb as quickly as possible, a lot and without any filters. Everything that the mother broadcasts immediately goes into the unconscious layers of our psyche. Knowing this, in our Slavic tradition, a girl from infancy began to be prepared for future motherhood. To great responsibility and a culture of handling the power that nature has endowed a woman with. For example, a woman-mother was forbidden to be angry, swear, or behave in a socially unacceptable manner.

And among many peoples of the world, the most terrible negative impact on a person is still considered the maternal curse: direct - conscious, or indirect - unconscious. And because the consequences of a mother’s actions have a strong impact on the lives of not only her own children, but also on her descendants, then it directly depends on the woman whether the family will continue healthy and prosperous or whether it will cease to exist.

The reality of our country's history is that many generations ago, most Russian women lost direct conscious access to their feminine power - spiritual feminine power. To that power that fills everything around with calm, trust, joy, but not anxiety, fears and despondency.

Continuous wars, revolutions, repressions, abortions took away women's husbands and children, destroyed families and their traditional way of life. The pain of loss and mourning for those killed in the souls of Russian women is transmitted genetically. The mother's heart closes from pain and the remaining living children receive almost no love. Growing up in very difficult conditions, such a girl, having become a mother, can only give her children what she received herself.

There have always been wars in Russia - from time immemorial, but there was faith in God and Russian folklore traditional culture, which has a powerful psychotherapeutic effect. A tradition that firmly stood on the value of family, the value of differences between the sexes (after the revolution, women and men were given equal rights and, as a result, this difference between the sexes began to be erased).

Boys and girls were raised as future wives and husbands, future mothers and fathers - all this was supported at the level of religion and state. Currently, the family is going through a difficult crisis: a huge number of divorces, abortions, orphans, children in orphanages with living parents. Many family values ​​are lost or greatly distorted - values ​​that are not characteristic of the Russian mentality are imposed, which ultimately contribute to the destruction of the family.

This is a very complex environment in which we live. An environment that, to put it mildly, is not conducive to family prosperity and childbearing. Therefore, in order for a modern woman to fulfill nature’s plan: to get married, have children and live happily ever after in marriage, she has to search alone for her feminine power, bestowed by nature. At the same time, day after day, doing enormous spiritual work.

One interesting psychological study was conducted in America. His goal was to find out whether a person’s health depends on personal satisfaction with parental love. College students were asked to answer one simple question: in their opinion, according to their inner feelings, do their parents love them or not? After 35 years, the experimenters met with all the respondents. It turned out that among those people who had a feeling of inner satisfaction with parental love, 25% of people suffered from various diseases.

Among those who were dissatisfied with parental love, 87% were ill.

And among those who answered that they felt the love of only one of their parents, the disease rate was 50%.

Nature was incredibly wise and far-sighted when she created a woman-mother and made her fall in love with her baby. Adoring her child! Many women know this when, in comparison with other children, their child is always the best. When you fall in love, according to research by neurophysiologists, the work of the parts of the brain responsible for criticism and negative emotions is suppressed. When a mother looks at her baby, the hormone dopamine is actively released (causing euphoria), and the areas responsible for pleasure in the brain are activated.

Therefore, maternal love is often called “blind.”Next to a loving mother, the child feels calm, happy and confident - he is safe. And vice versa, when a mother rejects a child, life loses meaning for him. And the brain reacts again - the areas responsible for the sensation of pain in the skin and muscles are activated. Rejected children receive an unconscious message from their mother: “Don’t live!” - and the child implements it. For example, he is constantly sick, depressed, refuses to have friends, etc.

Mother's love, among other things, is an unconscious flow. The child feels it as a force, no matter where the mother is, even if she has already died. This flow creates a deep sense of satisfaction with life, security, inner peace and strength. This is a feeling of spiritual abundance. Such a child is happy and successful in life, because the mother herself blessed him with happiness.

Bert Hellinger once said: “ The one who can rejoice in his mother wins. The fullness of life and happiness comes to us this way. This is the basis for any future happiness. Happiness is a gift. Happiness is always the result of relationships. We are happy when we enjoy our relationships. A person will not have a successful relationship until his first relationship - the relationship with his mother - is successful. The primary happiness for a child is to be close to his mother. When he later goes to other people, he can take the original happiness with him. Of course, the father also plays an important role in the relationship with the child, but happiness begins with the mother. Father and mother are on different levels here. There is a difference here and the father knows it. But he doesn't need to be jealous because his relationship with his mother is exactly the same».

The most important thing a mother gives us is trust.Initially to herself, and later - to the whole world. Happiness, initially from communication with herself, and subsequently from life. Love - with her, and then, as a projection, to people and to the whole world. Mom lays down basic things, deeply unconscious ones, those that become our spiritual foundation, core.

Those foundations that further determine our lives. Through mother's eyes we look at the whole world. It is the mother who, introducing the child to the world, places accents, highlights significant things and not so much. Through it, the child learns what the world “really is like.”

The attitude of the father to the child and the child to the father is also shaped by the mother. She is the only mediator between them. And the lives of not only the children themselves, but also their grandchildren and great-grandchildren will depend on whether she allows her father and children to love each other in her soul.

With my mother, we experience a relationship without boundaries - a complete merging of soul and body. By the way, whether the child managed to experience this happiness with his mother will depend on whether he will be able to experience the joy of intimacy (in all respects) with his partner, and with life in general. In the feminine zone lies the development of creative abilities, intuition, and speech (although logical speech lies in the father’s zone). And, most importantly, the ability to create happy couples, and then child-parent relationships.

But that's not all. We also look at ourselves through her eyes. How do you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror? Or when you speak in front of other people? Or in partnerships? Our mother's message is always somewhere deep inside.

How did the mother feel about the child in her soul? Could she love him with unconditional love: accept him as he is, agreeing with his characteristics and fate? Did she love the manifestations of his father in the child? Or maybe the child’s resemblance to his father filled her heart with pain and disappointment?

Practice has shown that it is precisely those people whom their mother loved with unconditional love, and their father loved and respected in them, who can be happy and successful in their lives. Accepting, loving and respecting themselves, such people treat their children and others the same way.

When a mother has a lot of difficult things, she cannot always notice that something wrong is happening with the child. She is so immersed in her mental pain and internal problems that, in comparison with her condition, the child’s condition is perceived as normal, and maybe even good.

Therefore, quite often the mother pays attention to the child’s problems only when it is simply impossible not to notice them. But for a child to develop, manifest, and then become entrenched in various problems, from health to an unsuccessful family life, it takes quite a lot of time. And you can manage to prevent something, and change something.

From the moment of birth, the main task of any child is survival in the parental system. To do this, on an unconscious level, you need to tune in with the system and, above all, with your mother. It’s good if the movement towards each other is mutual - this is called happiness. But it often happens that finding an approach to a parent’s heart is not so easy. Parents cannot always see and correctly assess the behavior and condition of their child.

Confusion very often arises. Parents believe that the child will show his progress towards them through care, obedient behavior, a smile and gentleness of character, etc., but this is not at all the case. Or rather, this happens in family systems, where everything is more or less in order. But if the mother is carrying something heavy, the child will not wait for the mother to return from her inner pain. He starts signaling in every possible way so that mommy hears and comes back.

The child may begin to get sick, behave poorly, stop sleeping at night, and put his life in danger. Or he may become incredibly anxious and will not let his mother leave his side even a single step. Or aggressive and defiant. Or maybe he is quiet and weak-willed, unable to stand up for himself. And if parents do not respond to the call for too long, then the child’s heart is filled with pain and closes.

One mother told a funny story about her four-year-old daughter who tried to tell her mother how much she needed her love. And how did my mother have the wisdom to see this? The girl decided to do something nice for her mother - wash the dishes. Mom, hearing the roar of breaking dishes, ran to the kitchen.

There was a flood on the floor and several broken plates. Seeing her mother’s frightened eyes, her daughter said: “Mommy, don’t worry, I’ll sweep everything up,” but it was too late... “I got carried away, and I punished her.” Another time, the daughter decided to surprise her mother: bake some pies. The whole kitchen was covered in flour and water. All the eggs that were in the refrigerator and a carton of milk were used for the dough. My daughter got it again.

But the girl did not lose hope. For the New Year, my mother bought herself a very beautiful and very expensive evening dress with sequins. The daughter, seeing how much her mother liked this dress, decided to give her a gift. She cut out lots of glittery hearts from her mother's dress and lovingly glued them onto a large piece of paper. When my mother came home from work, her daughter, with an absolutely happy face, announced that she had a beautiful gift for her mother.

“When my daughter brought out a piece of whatman paper covered with the remains of my dress, I started laughing hysterically and started crying. I didn’t know what to do, whether to tear her out, or to thank her for the gift, because I taught her to thank her for gifts. Seeing her efforts and with what love she did all this, I could not flog her.” When her daughter asked why she was crying, her mother replied: “For joy.”

Families with children of different sexes know very well that a son and a daughter are two completely different stories. This difference is revealed to parents from the first months of the child’s life.

Mother and son relationship

Initially, a boy is born to a person of the opposite sex. The boy is also perceived by his mother as “different,” “not like me.” A woman often does not know how to interact correctly so as not to lead him astray from the male course.

There is a myth that you cannot caress boys, be gentle and loving with them, because... they may grow up to be too feminine and effeminate. Men become feminine for completely different reasons, we will look at them a little later. Normally, a boy is in the field of female influence, i.e. in the mother's field, until about three years of age. This is a sensitive period for the perception of the deep feminine, giving an internal state of happiness, harmony, security, completeness and tranquility.

In the future, this is the ability to adequately express and realize one’s feelings. And this is the key to mental health. A lot of time must pass before a little boy turns into an adult, strong, independent man - a protector. And in order for male power to be realized in the future, the maternal flow creates a foundation in the child’s soul.

As if in her very core, her mother lights up light and warmth that will warm him all his life, no matter what difficulties an adult may have to endure. One woman once told about her father, who carried a photograph of his mother throughout the war as an icon, as a talisman, as a prayer.

The mother, activating the feminine in the child, lays down the basic things: trust and love (to yourself, to others, to the world). Happiness, creativity, intuition, interest in people, caring for others, tenderness, sensitivity, empathy (feeling for the state of another person). It is important to say that by adolescence, normally, sensitivity and empathy in boys decrease significantly.

This is inherent in nature, because a man is first and foremost a protector and provider. If he feels deeply, he is more likely to die in battle, or in a fight. And in the modern world it will be difficult for him to fulfill his masculine functions in society.

Around the age of three, a boy develops an irresistible desire to be in the masculine, to be imbued with the masculine - to be with his father. And provided that the mother lets her son go to his father, he comes under his influence. If a boy remains with his mother, he continues to be imbued with the feminine, to the detriment of his masculine nature. After all, women's psychology is fundamentally different than men's. For example, a woman copes with stress through repeated talking, and a man through forgetting. A man is focused on progress, a woman is focused on survival. Information is perceived differently and processed differently. It is important for a man what they say, for a woman it is important how they say it. Different things are important and unimportant, etc. In other words, while remaining in his mother’s gender, the boy becomes disoriented not only in his relationships with society, but, above all, in his sense of self and self-identification by his own gender. The same thing happens to the girl left with her father.

Mom lets her son go to his father very early and forever. She lets him go to the men's - to his homeland. Lets go on an unconscious level, i.e. She respects the father of the child in her soul. She agrees that the child will be like his father and this warms her heart. By the way, a son can truly respect his mother only when he is close to his father.

Now the boy is becoming more and more different from his mother. Having become an adult, such a boy has a pronounced masculine (there is disproportionately more masculine in him than feminine) and in order to balance this in the future, he will need to unite with a woman with a pronounced feminine. Now they complement each other well. This is how strong partnerships are created. This is the norm. Which is so rare.

But it happens that throughout her childhood, a mother in her parental family is forced to replace the mother for her mother (that is, her grandmother). This is a very difficult, sometimes unbearable role for a child. In other words, she was not a child in her parental family. Now, having gotten married, the first thing she will try to do is to realize the most important need of her soul - the need for a mother.

And finally, be a child. The husband, out of love for his wife, will psychologically replace her mother. True, at the cost of his masculinity. It is about these men that wives say that he is “nothing”, “a rag”, “a woman”, etc. And here she is - “daughter”, and everything seems to be fine. Only couple relationships move from partnership to child-parent relationships and the marriage gradually begins to fall apart. According to the laws of nature, grown children must fly away from the nest. And he, most likely, would have officially broken up if it had not been for the son who was born.

With her son, a woman realizes all the sweetness of failed partnerships and her dreams. A woman has many positive hopes associated with a boy. Now she herself will raise the man of her dreams. And so, before he was born, he is already psychologically a husband for his mother and a rival for his father. Moreover, the opponent is the winner, because the best woman in the world (mother) chose him over the strongest man in the world - father.

From his mother he adopted sensitivity, the ability to resonate, softness, tenderness, and intuitiveness. This is a caressed, beloved, pampered boy. They say about such people that they are darlings. A man who loves to shine loves admiration and praise. It’s as if he’s saying to all women: “Love me, I accept your love and care.”

He easily establishes relationships with women. This is his environment. He feels much more comfortable among women than among men. Examples of “mother’s husbands” are often found on the stage. A striking literary and historical example of a “mother’s husband” is Don Juan. A man who never became a son to his mother, but only a “husband.” In search of his mother, he changes one woman after another.

But no woman in the world can replace his mother. Therefore this search is endless. Such a man cannot stop, and if he starts a family, it won’t be for long. He is generally peaceful and spontaneous. It is interesting that it is precisely these men that women forgive their weaknesses and continue to take care of them even after breaking up. This is a man who has a lot of ambitions and plans, but does not have enough masculine energy to realize them.

The relationship between father and son in such a family is specific. The son looks at his father through the eyes of his mother - disdainfully, as they look at losers. The father in such a family finds himself in the shadow in all respects. In first place is the mother's favorite - the son. This matrix of relationships creates very difficult dynamics for the child in his later life.

It is difficult for him to maintain subordination in relationships, for example, at work. It is difficult to be subordinate (if he is not the center of attention, then there is a feeling that no one loves him and that he is a loser). In relationships with women, he is bright, spontaneous, and sensitive. Women feel happy, although not for long, because... For such a man, responsibility and obligations are very difficult (these qualities are in the father’s zone).

Losing contact with the masculine, the boy loses the qualities that are important for his survival: the ability to independently make the right decisions, not to depend on the attitude of others towards him, from the “flattering gaze”. Openly defend your borders, principles, interests, values. Be responsible for your actions and for those around you. Guard and defend your family and your territory. Sacrificing one’s interests, comfort, and maybe even life for the sake of others is alien to him.

The child is always ready to compensate the mother for what she lacks, for example, her father.Then this is a very responsible child who matured early and became serious early. Such sons very often raise their brothers and sisters and work several jobs. There is no father in such a family, either he is problematic, or the mother does not respect him. The mother herself can be extremely anxious (which makes her all-controlling), and emotionally frozen, which gives rise to anxiety in children.

Unconsciously, she broadcasts to her son: “I can’t cope without you. I can't survive without you." At the same time, he can behave very authoritarianly, resolving all issues regarding his son unilaterally. In behavior, the relationship between mother and son, for example, may look like this: in a childish voice, the mother asks her son’s permission to do something, or asks for advice, or support. And a child, who may well be no more than five years old, may forbid his mother to go somewhere or graciously allow something. Feeling his mother’s anxiety, the boy seems to say: “I won’t leave you! I'll be with you! I will carry you!

True, the father, if he exists, will treat his son very aggressively. The discrepancy between roles in the system creates enormous tension. The father begins to feel that his little son controls his woman and has a more significant status for her in the family, but at the same time the father himself simply does not have access to his son. The woman unconsciously broadcasts to her husband: “I really need support, so I won’t give you my son.” And completely unaware of what is happening, the father begins to fight with his “father-in-law” in the person of his own son (the son has an identification with his grandfather, the mother’s father).

Trying in every possible way to win back their territory, driving their opponent out. As a result, only one man remains on the territory. In families with similar dynamics, father and son often remain enemies for life. Growing up, such a man continues to feel that he bears all the responsibility in this life alone. Emotionally, these people are prone to aggressive behavior (or auto-aggressive), critical, psychopathic, controlling.

From having to keep everything under control, tension constantly grows, which is never fully discharged (in order to survive, this boy had to keep his mother - life itself - under control). These are people who, more often than others, suffer from cardiovascular diseases and “burn out” at work. Realization in society comes through incredible efforts.

And work, with great mental and physical costs, rarely brings mental satisfaction. In addition, the topic of competition is very painful, because as a child I constantly had to compete with my father. And since the forces were unequal, in this “battle” the son constantly got it, from which the boy learned the experience of a loser. Now, when the topic of competition or even a hint of it arises, the desire unconsciously arises to “get even” for past humiliations. This is where aggression, mental pain, and the desire to destroy the opponent come into play. All this creates colossal problems in life.

In his family, this man is also responsible and you can rely on him. In emotional communication, he is either a tyrant or a real capricious child who always lacks love, attention and everything else... In his soul there lives a child who does not trust anyone. Therefore, no matter how hard his wife and children try, it is difficult for him to believe that he is truly loved. And that you don’t have to “go out of your way” to deserve love.

It is very scary for him to allow himself to take the love of his partner. Because the one who takes becomes dependent on the one who gave. And being needy for him is a manifestation of weakness, because this situation is very difficult to keep under control.

It also happens that a son replaces for a mother not only a husband, brother or father, but even a mother(more often in a family where there are several boys or the only child is a boy). Then this is a very kind, quiet, easy-going boy. He is caring, sensitive, fearful, attentive, cautious, his teachers and teachers (women) love him very much, but his classmates are aggressive towards him.

In adulthood, men do not consider him a member of their pack, they treat him condescendingly, women treat him very warmly, but do not consider him as a partner, because... there is so much feminine in it that no attraction arises between equally charged “particles”.

These are, as a rule, responsible, patient people who live only by the rules, avoid any conflict and extreme situations, cannot withstand aggression in any of its manifestations, and their positivity is perceived by others as excessive. It is with great difficulty that they manage to maintain their boundaries, defend their interests, and express their needs.

It is also difficult to protect the boundaries and interests of your family. Because being in the mother’s field is a relationship of complete and limitless merging. Typically, such men experience difficulties in starting a family - it is not possible to leave their mother, so they have to combine “service” in the parental family with their personal life. True, if such a man meets a woman with a pronounced masculine personality (i.e., a daughter left with her father) or a woman who is in great need of a mother, then an alliance is possible between them. But very tense.

A woman initially chooses just such a man because he is able to alleviate the painful need for a mother. After some time, a woman’s mental wound heals and the need for a man as a partner becomes actualized. And if the husband does not have time or is not ready to rebuild, the tension in the couple increases. She cannot leave her husband, because... the mental wound will open again, and living next to a man to whom there is no attraction is painful.

Women often choose such men for second or third marriages, because... he is friendly to her children, relatives, neighbors and is tolerant of her like a mother. In their professional activities, having occupied the niche of helping professions, these men achieve good results.

Thus, the boy left in his mother's field continues to be filled with feminine: women's perception of the world, values, interaction with others. She overcomes difficulties like a woman. All this is disastrous for him. It is incredibly difficult for a man without a father to realize himself in society, because exploring, inventing, taking risks - natural male behavior - was not supported by his mother, if not completely prohibited.

There is another difficult dynamic for the boy. It is associated with the rape of women in the family. If a mother or, for example, a grandmother has experienced sexual violence, then their internal unconscious desire to “kill” a man, as the embodiment of evil, will often strive to be realized with the very first boy born in the family. Usually such a boy lives with his grandmother and mother. The woman unconsciously broadcasts to her son: “The way you were born is terrible. Men are disgusting and dirty. Men are evil, and as long as you are a man, I don’t need you.” Then, in order to survive in this system, a boy must become... a girl (in practice, this is one of the reasons for homosexuality). And so, by mimicking the feminine, the boy receives unconscious approval from his mother, which means that he can live. The boy forever understands for himself: “The price of one’s own life is the renunciation of the male.”

Currently, the trend towards gender displacement is very pronounced. Men have become more feminine and women have become more masculine. Women increasingly perform male functions in the family and in society, and men perform female functions. Losing their self-identity, men begin to die in the literal sense of the word, as unnecessary. After all, genetic memory tells a man to serve life, the feminine in a woman, the homeland - to be needed. When a man feels that he is needed, the masculine receives realization. Then life is safe.

The tragedy of the son is that only his mother can let him go to his father, to his manhood, the condition for which is love and respect for the child’s father. If the mother could not do this, the boy cannot independently transition from female to male. And only as an adult, through psychotherapeutic help or various spiritual practices, is a man able to return to his father - to the masculine. To your homeland.

It is very important that the mother feels what power she has, what influence she has on the child. Of course, no one has canceled the child’s fate and there is something that exceeds the mother’s capabilities. This is right. But it is important to remember your power of influence.

Mom’s relationship with her daughter is different. Having been born to a person of the same sex, a girl is perceived by her mother as an extension of herself. Many women who lacked warm emotional contact with their mother passionately desire to have a daughter and ... “God forbid - a son.” The girl initially transmits the feminine; from the first months of her life she is ready for a subtle resonance with her mother. But if a woman has enough warmth in her parental family, then the gender of the child will not be of fundamental importance to her.

The girl also spends the first three years in the field and space of her mother; she is also filled with the feminine, like a boy. At about three years old, the girl comes under the influence of her father and remains in his field until she is six or seven years old. During this period, the girl is actively filled with masculinity, attention, determination, logic, hard work, responsibility, will, etc. are initiated in her.

In addition, the father initiates the adult part of the child. And, most importantly, it is during this period that the feeling is formed that the girl is different from her father in gender. That she looks like her mother and that soon she will become a woman as good and beautiful as her mother. It is during this period that daughters adore their fathers. They actively show signs of attention and sympathy towards dad. It’s good if mom supports this, and dad gives his daughter his love and acceptance.

In the future, it is this experience of communicating with the most important man in life that will allow her to feel like an attractive, adult woman. Now she will be able to realize a lot in life and, most importantly, she has the happy experience of being accepted and loved by the most dear man in the world - her father. After some time (at about 6-7 years), the father lets his daughter go back to her mother - to the women's room. Showing that his mother is the best woman for him and he loves her a little more. And the daughter remains a beloved daughter.

Now the girl returns to her mother differently - she already knows that she is as beautiful as her mother, but at the same time she is different. The daughter became aware of her own boundaries (before the girl enters her father’s field, she feels like her mother’s appendage, an appendage, i.e., a part of her mother). And now, next to her mother, the girl begins to gain her feminine strength and beauty. Now the place of her partner next to her is free, and when the time comes, he will take it.

Internally, she feels that she needs the strength that her mother has. Now the connection between mother and daughter is filled with special meaning. In other words, the daughter has a certain unconscious motivation - to take the maternal, feminine flow for the future. For the full realization of your feminine. Now that she is an adult, she will have something to give to her husband and children. She is included in the women's stream.

But it happens that women in the family have a lot of difficult things associated with men. Perhaps there was violence from men, betrayal, or abortions, etc. Then, as a warning, girls are given unconscious information: “Be afraid of the feminine in yourself, it attracts men, and they are dangerous. Men bear pain." Therefore, women stop “seeing” and appreciating their feminine strength and beauty. They stop living in this stream. And they experience unconscious fear towards men.

Having loyalty to her family system, a woman will not let her daughter go not only to her father, but also to married life. Unconscious fear of men will complicate her relationships with the opposite sex and burden her family life, if she manages to start a family. A daughter who has not received permission from her mother to become feminine, and from her father confirmation that the feminine in her is beautiful, psychologically remains a girl for the rest of her life. A girl who will no longer believe anyone that she is a wonderful woman.

Deep in her soul it will be extremely difficult for her to accept herself; more often such women feel dissatisfaction with themselves, even to the point of disgust. Having become an adult woman, she approaches men either from the position of a daughter or a mother, but not an equal partner. Unconsciously, she continues to be her mother’s appendage, not separated into her life. Never feeling like a separate woman in the general flow of female power.

And it also happens that a mother has so much trouble that she can only give her daughter life. That's the only thing that matters though. And in order for her daughter to survive, the woman unconsciously hands the girl over to her father forever. Into the father's stream. Then the girl actively develops according to the male principle. Externally and internally she will be masculine. This will be “your guy” among boys and men. Figuratively speaking, a boy in a woman's body. Male worldview, interests, values, plasticity, gait, appearance, ways of reacting, ways of surviving, solving problems, etc. Often this gives success in society (business, sports, etc.) and constant failures in personal life.

In addition, a mother can project the sweetness and pain of a failed relationship with her own mother onto her daughter. This happens unconsciously and easily, because... a girl is essentially motherhood. What we encounter in practice is that it is impossible for a woman to distinguish how exactly she treats her little daughter: as a daughter or as a mother. It feels like there is warmth, strong affection, a desire to hug and caress.

Women often say that they “miss their baby like crazy” and don’t understand how they lived without her until now. But it turns out that despite such love, the daughter has various problems. For example, she constantly cries, is anxious, cannot communicate with other children, often gets sick, bites her nails, enuresis, nightmares, etc. The confusion in the relationship becomes visible during the constellation process. Such symptoms are often a signal of a violation of the hierarchy in the relationship between mother and child.

In practice, it becomes clear that all these strong feelings that the mother seemed to have for her daughter were actually addressed to her own mother. Those. Mom wanted to take the warmth, not give it away. And the child signals that he cannot cope with this difficult role. If a daughter refuses to fulfill the role of a mother for her mother, then the mother will unconsciously react with rejection: “If you will not be a mother for me, then I do not need you at all.” This unconscious message is very clearly confirmed by my mother’s behavior. For example, she will be offended every time her daughter does not show support, friendliness and acceptance.

React aggressively every time the daughter tries to escape into her own life. Create paired relationships. He will do his best to keep her close to him, and the older the daughter is, the stronger. An example of this is women who do not create a family, or who destroy it. Women who do not give birth to children, and those who remain with their mothers for life. Moreover, the more diligently the daughter plays the role of mother for her mother, the more negative the mother’s reactions will be.

The more claims and grievances there will be against your daughter. Just like once upon a time, my mother was unable to respond to her own pain and, as a result, aggression towards her mother (aggression towards a mother is a feeling tabulated by nature). And since the daughter replaces her mother, then everything that was not said to the addressee is now received by his substitute - the daughter. Accordingly, the daughter’s internal aggression grows, and expressing this feeling is dangerous, because there is an experience of rejection. The circle closes. The only way out is to take out the aggression on your husband or children, if you have any. And if they are not there, then go into illness. Nothing balances distortions in a family system like symptoms.

At a reception, a mother regarding her daughter (the girl has a severe form of neurodermatitis, allergies, severe and causeless anxiety):

My daughter and I are one whole, we read each other’s thoughts... just friends... we feel so good together... we tell each other everything... all my friends envy me...

How old is your daughter?

She is married?

No, what are you talking about? She does not want.

Like this?

He says that he won’t be able to give everything to my children the way I do. He wants to live for himself. And, to be honest, I’m glad. Let him enjoy life. I have profited up to my neck in this marriage.

And if you read the mother’s hidden message, it will sound like this:“If you leave me, I won’t survive it. Marriage is evil. Your marriage is dangerous for me. Only with you am I safe." Now let's answer our question. Will an adult daughter dare to leave her “defenseless” mother? Will an adult daughter dare to have a positive view of men and marriage? What will happen if a miracle cure cures all the symptoms this young woman has? After all, it is these ailments that allow the daughter to exist in the role of a mother for the mother, it is they that allow her not to feel pain and “burn through” repressed aggression.

There is a persistent myth in our society, a source of pride and envy for many - the myth that the ideal relationship between mother and daughter is a relationship “like girlfriends.” Many mothers, longing for a close emotional relationship with their mother, form such relationships with their daughters. This is a particularly severe form of hierarchy violation. It is very difficult for a daughter to get out of such a relationship, because... outwardly nothing bad happens.

These relationships are supported by the environment and society. Mother and daughter have a trusting relationship: the mother, for example, tells intimate details from her life, including her life with her daughter’s father, demanding similar frankness in return. Waits for and accepts advice and support from her daughter. These relationships always look friendly from the outside. The only difference is that the daughter is strictly forbidden to express any dissatisfaction, criticism, let alone aggression.

Those. It is forbidden to declare your desires and boundaries. The daughters of such mothers are the subject of admiration for those around them: they are always sweet, courteous, tactful, and prudent. She is always smiling, modest, and will not say a harsh word. If he doesn’t say it, he will “swallow it” and push the pain into the depths of the unconscious. Such a daughter is forbidden to have conflicts on pain of rejection (and it is conflicts with parents in adolescence that are the last chance to separate); such daughters find themselves in a more difficult situation than daughters whose mother allowed them to conflict.

This means that even in early childhood, becoming a mother is a chance for a mother to survive in this system. Mom needs her mother so much that it is not possible to “abandon” her - children are not abandoned. So adult daughters remain with their mothers forever. Together at home, together on vacation,... together, together, together..., and the adult daughter’s own life passes by.

But it also happens that despite her role in the parental family, the daughter still manages to get married. True, only formally, in soul she still remains with her mother. She can bring her husband to live with her mother; outwardly, there will be good reasons for this action, of course. Trying to balance two mutually exclusive desires: to remain a mother for my mother and a wife for my husband. But you can become, in the full sense, a wife for your husband only by being a daughter for your mother.

Therefore, a lifelong mental conflict is formed. Such women very often say that they are torn between their mother and husband. And the choice, as a rule, is made towards the mother. The losers in this war are the husband and children. The husband goes either literally or with his soul: to the computer, the garage, to friends, to alcohol, to another woman, etc. And the children are trying with all their might to restore the family: they begin to get sick, behave badly, and ruin their destinies. And all with only one goal, so that mommy returns her soul back. To your family.

The tragedy of the daughter is that it takes very painful circumstances for her to decide to refuse her mother to replace her mother. Behind this is the fear that the mother will reject, because fulfilling this role was the only condition for contact with the mother. Now leaving this role will cause inevitable conflict in the relationship, resentment and aggression on the part of the mother. After all, looking at her girl, a mother sees her mother, but not her daughter. Therefore, it is unbearable for the mother to survive another “betrayal” (now from her daughter). This very often stops daughters from moving forward in their lives.

A daughter has another important role in her parental family.– the role of a psychological wife for the father. If a mother, due to her involvement in difficult things, for example, there were abortions in the system, cannot cope with her role as a wife, then in order for the husband to remain in the family, the mother unconsciously delegates all the rights of a wife to her daughter. And the daughter, out of love for her mother, accepts the role assigned to her.

Or the daughter has an identification with her father’s former love. Then, out of love for her father, the daughter replaces the woman he loved for her father. Growing up, such a woman will be active, lively, dynamically solving any problems. She is attractive, resourceful, has a tenacious mind, and quite easily achieves success in society. With their father they understand each other very well, they are on the same wavelength, but with their mother the relationship will be very difficult, like rivals.

Moreover, the mother, being the head of the family, easily begins to suppress her daughter. Without realizing what she is doing. Mothers and daughters in such families suffer greatly because they cannot find common ground, because in their souls they both feel that the love intended for each other remains unrealized.

In couple relationships, such women are very popular with the opposite sex (just like the man “mother’s husband”), they easily find partners, but creating a family for a long time with one partner can be extremely difficult, because the place of the partner in her soul is already taken by her father - the best a man in the world. Therefore, other men have no chance to compete with him. Such women can start a family with a man who remains with his mother - there is no competition with him. In addition, such a man copes well with the role of a mother for herself.

There is another dynamic where the daughter stays with the father. These are daddy's aborted children from a previous relationship. Moreover, it does not matter whether the father knows about them or not. The daughter, identified on an unconscious level with her aborted brothers and sisters, has a deep connection with those women whom her father left.

Perhaps they wanted to start a family with him, but had to have an abortion. The pain of these women hangs in the family field. No matter how the mother tries to show her love for her daughter and no matter how much the daughter strives for her mother, their movement towards each other is burdened. The relationship with the mother is mostly complex and tense, and the relationship with the father is even more difficult. It is quite difficult for such daughters to start a family or maintain existing relationships.

Because it is difficult to accept life at such a price. Namely, the price of her life is the lost love and/or children of her father's women. After all, if he had married one of them, she would not exist. Then, on an unconscious level, out of loyalty to them, the daughter also begins to destroy her couple relationship and also loses love. And, most painfully, this service does not give her the opportunity to get closer to her mother.

There is another family dynamic that forces adult children to stay with their mothers forever. When the mother has a tendency to go into death. Those. in her soul, the mother strives to go to the dead people dear to her: early deceased parents, brothers or sisters, children, etc. Then, feeling the mother’s desire to die, the child unconsciously makes a decision - to stop the mother at any cost. And stays next to her. Unconsciously controlling her presence.

An example of this is adult children who remain to live with their mothers until their death. At the beginning they say: “I live with my mother.” And then: “Mom lives with me.” Such children destroy their families in order to return to their mother. Or they don’t start a family at all, don’t have children. Or, on the contrary, they give their children to their mother so that they fill the spiritual emptiness of the grandmother. Still continuing to wait for mom to someday return from her pain and finally give them her love. But this doesn't happen.

These are not all the speakers that work in the system. For example, if the mother failed to realize her dreams and aspirations (work, marriage, hobbies, etc.), then the daughter is perceived as an extension of herself, but with new resources and energy. Those. the mother seems to be replaying her fate through her daughter. She gets involved with her daughter’s fate with great energy, leaving everything of her own for the sake of realizing her daughter, or rather her dream.

Only a daughter, having accepted such sacrifices from her mother, will feel unbearable guilt, for which she can only pay with her own life. For example, not to create or destroy your family. Fathers similarly expect their sons to follow in their footsteps and become the continuers and guardians of their work. Most often, out of loyalty to the parent, children are ready to fulfill his will. And then a “mission” appears - to realize the deepest hopes and aspirations of the parent.

It’s a fairly familiar story when parents expect their children to give them everything they didn’t receive from their own parents. A child can give his parents only what a child can give - respect and gratitude, the result of which is his successful life.

With the birth of a child, a woman receives a lot: in society and her family she receives status, value and significance. In the soul there is deep satisfaction from women’s natural self-realization, which is felt as inner happiness, confidence and comfort. Not many people know what kind of mental anguish women who are unable to have children go through, how many mental and social difficulties they have to overcome. And what mental work they have to do to accept their childlessness and remain in society without pain for themselves.

Thus, With its appearance, a child makes the mother truly happy. It fills the mother, helps her develop internally. Finally, the most important women's mission is being realized - motherhood. Having become a mother, a woman feels peace, comfort, and grace at a deep level. She calms down - everything is going right.

The arrival of a child is always associated with expansion, movement towards life, towards God. The child discovers a huge inner strength - flow. One day, one woman described her condition during pregnancy: “It’s an amazing feeling when God is inside you, and you are inside God.” But that’s not all, the child continues to raise the status of his mother in society as he grows up and achieves success in life, creating his own family and having children.

And even when the child is terminally ill, or has a difficult fate, or even if the child has died, the woman still does not lose her honorary status as a mother. Therefore, when children are looked at as ungrateful creatures who bring only problems, anxieties and heaviness into the lives of their parents, for which the children then owe their parents for life - this is a clear indicator of the violation of systemic, spiritual laws for many generations.

When the soul has the strength, love and support of its own parents, i.e. The ancestral energy flows correctly - from ancestors to descendants, then children cannot be a burden. Giving to children is easy and joyful, but being a parent to your own parents is truly an unbearable burden.

If a child failed to be a child in his parental system, then he experiences enormous mental pain and a large number of claims against his parents. Having become an adult, even if his parents have already died, he continues to wait in his soul for something to happen and for his parents to finally change, for them to finally notice him and make up for everything that they once did not give him.

But if a child insists on his claims against his parents, he cannot separate from them. He continues to wait, he continues to look at them, but not into his life. These claims tie him to his parents. The connection becomes very strong and negatively colored. In this state, parents and child are separated.

For an adult, only one solution is possible - to leave the parents to their fate. Agreeing with their choice. A child cannot do this, because... he is completely dependent on his parents, but an adult can. An adult has his own family, children who need him. It is very important to let parents go where they want to go with love and respect. Then life can go on.

In nature, it is so arranged that the mother releases the child into life in stages. As you grow older, further and further. The first step is when the baby is just born. Now mother and child occupy different places in space. Everyone has their own boundaries. Now the child is nearby, but not inside. Then a year, when the child himself begins to move in space.

The next step is at three years old, when the mother lets the child go to the father to explore the world. This is the age that in psychology is called “I’m on my own!” Then elementary school, when the first teacher becomes a big authority and what she says and does is more important for the child than what the mother says and does. At this time, a very important quality is formed - trust in another authoritative adult. This will give you the opportunity to seek help from other people in the future. After all, parents will not always be there and cannot know everything.

Then adolescence, when friends become the authority. The age when a teenager explores and tests the strength of his own and others’ boundaries, his capabilities. Trying to answer the question: “Who am I?” It is this age that parents are most often afraid of. But this period becomes difficult not because the child has become a teenager and hormones have “hit” his head. But because violations of systemic laws have not been eliminated in a timely manner, which means that the teenager now has a lack of internal confidence, stability and parental support. And the previous separation stages were also ignored and skipped. Now the teenager will be able to separate and defend his boundaries only through conflict.

Well, the last stage is adolescence, when adult children begin to look for a partner and start a family. A new family is the final frontier when parents let their children go forever. Now the child, as people say, is a “cut off piece.”

In nature, animals and birds themselves push their adult children out of the parental nest. It continues life.

There are no ideal parents. Moreover, we develop and grow thanks to the imperfections of our parents. Of course, it is impossible to forget and ignore the pain that a mother or father caused. This pain lives inside. In many ways, this childhood mental pain determines our lives. Psychotherapy can help resolve this issue. But if you look at the facts, and they are known to be uncompromising, then the parents did the most important thing - they gave life. This is what now belongs to us until we die. We can do the rest ourselves. And this is the choice of an adult.

Each of us received something from our parents and we all lack something. In this sense, we are all equal. Then it's just a matter of the person himself. What life position will we choose? That we lack a lot or what we have is enough to start the journey? In the first option, we will conflict with the whole world, make claims, and become depressed from our own powerlessness. It will be difficult in interpersonal relationships, since there is a great fear of evaluation, strong criticism of the world and dissatisfaction with it.

Or vice versa, By connecting in our soul with the fact that we have received something, we can accept it, feeling gifted. In this case, you can give to others. This is agreement and harmony with parents as they are. “It’s important to give up what you couldn’t get from your parents. From longing for closeness with parents. Whoever has fewer claims gets more,” said S. Hausner. A mother can do a lot for her child, but when a mother can no longer give us more, it is important to gratefully accept what has already been given to us. This is what gives you the strength to do the rest for yourself.

Statistics show that among people who grew up in orphanages, there is a very small percentage of people who have become successful and prosperous in their lives. But among those who achieved something in their lives and were successfully socialized, the main internal attitude was to rely precisely on the fact that they had been given life and it was in their hands. And for those whose lives did not work out, the internal emphasis was shifted towards the fact that life had deprived them of so many things. Therefore there is no point in living. This is what happens.

In adult life, the main role is no longer played by the parents themselves, but by the image that we have in our souls about them. That's what matters. We shape our reality in accordance with our internal images. The image changes - the reality changes. It is not necessary that the relationship with parents will be ideal, although the result of constellations for many clients is often an improvement in relationships with parents.

The changed internal image of one’s own parents gives a person the opportunity to feel strength, warmth and support, regardless of the fact that the parents are still in difficult situations. An internal distinction appears between the intertwined (burdened) part of the parents, which has nothing to do with the child, and the giving one, that is, that parental part that only belongs to the child.

This is a great and fruitful spiritual work. The result of which is deep inner maturation. Then it is possible to tell your mother: “Yes, you are my mother.” And the soul calms down. As Bert Hellinger said: “One becomes a father and mother not through any moral qualities, but through a special performance that is intended for us. This is a kind of service, a great order of being that we serve.”

And if you don’t freeze in your childhood pain, but go further, accepting your childhood as inevitable, as something that was predetermined, when you can tell your childhood: “I agree with you,” then in an amazing way, from somewhere deep, you will be released great inner strength. And then a clear understanding comes that only through our mother could our deep spiritual development and movement towards God take place.

Over time, the feeling comes that our mother is the right mother for us. Exactly the one we need - with all that she has, and with all that she does not have. She is the best one for us. Like our destiny, filled with deep inner strength, which gives us the opportunity to move forward, grow spiritually, become stronger and be filled with something greater than ourselves. It is no coincidence that our soul once chose this one out of so many women. It turns out that only she, our mother, could fulfill for our souls what we came to this earth for.

There is a saying: “A mother is not the one on whom you can always rely, but the one through whom you learn to stand firmly on your own two feet.” published

Many spiritual mentors advise you to " come back to yourself", "find a way to yourself" ...

At first glance, these statements sound strange. Where am I if I'm not myself? It seems like I’m here, walking, talking...

What do you mean? To answer this question, let us turn to our wise language.

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What do they say about a person who behaves inappropriately, destructively for himself and others? " He's not himself».

In difficult and shocking situations, when a person is attacked by cold and despair, they say “ he flew out" By the way, in some cases people actually lose consciousness from the inability to accept what is happening as it is.

They say about very strange people, seemingly unadapted to life, “ not of this world».

If a person lives by speculative constructions, fantasies about how and what he could achieve, but nothing changes in life, this is called “ be ungrounded».

These are all facets of the same phenomenon. The spiritual essence of a person is not located in his body. In fact, his Soul does not fully live on Earth.

Simply put, in this case, the bulk of your energy and consciousness is located anywhere but in your body, that is, not in your life.

You do not feel the fullness of life.

In this case, living on Earth feels “too difficult, unsafe and constricted.”

In earthly life, the freedom of multidimensional movement, the feeling of boundless love and unity with all that exists, telepathy and the embodiment of everything necessary “out of nowhere” have been lost.

Instead, we get a small mortal body, the need to earn food by the sweat of our brow, difficulties in understanding ourselves and others, disappointment and separation...

How to live with this? How can we endure this life and move forward to liberation-death?

But is this really the solution? We offer another option.

Essence and purpose spiritual practices– do not increase your longing for the “higher worlds.” And teach you fill your body with spiritual essence and life.

In fact, completely come back to yourself and feel the fullness of life, that is, fill life with yourself.

What do you get when you are in yourself?

• good health
• strong slim body
• a lot of energy for implementation
• feeling safe in the world
• confidence in yourself and your actions
• willingness and ability to take responsibility for one’s life
• courage and joy to live
• material well-being
• , full of understanding and love and without manipulation
• the feeling that your True Home is always with you, wherever you are
• Unlocking spiritual gifts you can use to improve your life

Body filled with spiritual essence, raises its vibrations and begins to work in a new way.

It is not for nothing that the relics (remains of bodies) of saints are believed to have special power. This is true - some people have achieved such a deep integration of their spiritual essence that their bodies have changed quality and become miraculous.

High-level masters are capable of miracles in the physical world precisely because of integration, i.e., changing the vibrations of their body due to the “entry” of the Spirit into it.

Instead of spiritual resistance, they receive spiritual integration.

Let's look at what will help you integrate the higher part into the body And eliminate spiritual resistance life.

How to come back to yourself and feel the fullness of life

1. Do grounding practices

This is the basics. Grounding is your connection with the Earth, with the physical world, with your own body.

If you stand firmly on the ground(our wise language again) - you are financially stable, healthy, self-confident.

2. Exercise

7. Do something you enjoy

I’m not talking about “global Destination” now. But simply about any activity from which you get satisfaction.

A small recipe - it should combine knowledge of new things, give “feedback” (so that you understand how much you are progressing in this matter).

Psychology professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called such activities “flow.”

The experience of flow is a state of complete merging with your work, absorption by it, when you do not feel time, yourself, when instead of fatigue there is a constant surge of energy...

... The flow does not descend on us as grace, but is generated by our meaningful efforts, it is in our hands.

(c) Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi “Flow”

If there are needlewomen here, write how your hobby helps you immerse yourself in the joy of life?

8. Live or regularly travel to high vibration places

- these are the points on the planet where the integration of spiritual energy into physical energy is most powerfully manifested. As a rule, this happened due to crystals, the collective intention of people and other higher entities.

Over time and with proper practice, you will learn to create a Place of Power wherever you are, on your own.

But first, gather resources in special and most suitable places for this.

And, if you feel that the house or city in which you live has low vibrations and is weighing you down, perhaps you need to help yourself and move.

9. Surround yourself with like-minded people

During the integration process, it is important to have support and attention from your environment.

People who destroy you, have a dull and cruel picture of the world, do not contribute to this.

Find like-minded people who support you and can listen “through thick and thin.”

You can find like-minded people in our community of spiritual practitioners “Keys of Mastery”!

10. Remove spiritual resistance

The origins of resistance are the illusion of your separation from God, longing for Home, the body’s unwillingness to accept your spiritual essence.

It’s not easy to get through, but it’s possible and necessary. The tips described above will help you.

If it is difficult for you to apply the above points in life, for example, you do not have the will to engage in physical exercise, perhaps you need to start by eliminating spiritual resistance at the quantum level.

You can realize this and free yourself from internal resistance to your new, wonderful changes.

This is a question often asked by clients when they come to me for consultations. And I immediately have a counter question: why did you stop feeling the fullness of life? And what do you feel instead?

From birth, a person is able to feel life in all its glory. What a thirst for life is contained in the first cry of a baby in the maternity hospital, when the baby is just born. He still doesn’t understand anything, doesn’t realize it, but instinctively wants to take a breath of air to feel how life itself fills his lungs.

Where does this passionate desire to live then go? Where does the enthusiastic gaze with which we looked at the world disappear, when we still walked under the table and were surprised at the smallest discovery? We have ceased to be pioneers and explorers. When? Why?

Perhaps, once in childhood, parents decided that they did not need an inquisitive and active child, but a comfortable one. And later, as adults, out of habit, we make a choice in favor of convenience, abandoning interest. As a child, the question of convenience was a matter of survival, when it was impossible to receive love just like that. And the fear of rejection pushed us to the barricades in the struggle for parental love and, therefore, safety. What is the interest in life when our lives are in the balance if we are rejected because of our inconvenience.

Comfortable children are valued in kindergarten, at school, at college, and at work. Yes, we grow up, but often inside we remain comfortable children.

Try a simple exercise. Think back to last week. And try to roughly calculate for yourself, as a percentage, how many new things you tried in a week, and how many did you do what you usually do?

If at least 10% is new, then you are already among the lucky ones whose life does not stand still. If 30% of your life is new, then your life flows like a deep river. If 50% - your life is full of colors, and you most likely have no time to think about how full of life you live. And if your life is 100% - I congratulate you, you are starting a new life and are on the verge of enormous changes, and changes always bring with them a huge amount of energy, the main thing is to direct it in the right direction.

How to fill your life with new colors?

It often happens just start doing something new to make life sparkle with colors.

For example, you can choose a different route to work, you can turn on the light with your left hand rather than your right, you can cook a new dish, you can try a new type of entertainment or sport, you can go to sleep on the other side of the bed. All these little things help us wake up from routine and see life, and get a charge of energy that is enough to take other more significant steps towards a new and varied life.

For those who are ready to move on, I recommend make a wish book, where you can write down everything that you want to try in this life. These are not necessarily cumbersome, difficult-to-fulfill desires, like going to the Maldives and fishing for marlin. It could be something simple, but very unusual and pleasant. For example, go up and compliment a person at a bus stop, make love blindfolded, make soap with your own hands. When the wish book is ready, you can get down to business. Every time you feel bad, sad, lonely, hurt, hard, you open the book on the first page you come across and, without hesitation, do what is written there. Negative experiences, as a rule, are associated with either a feeling of sadness or guilt for the past, or fear for the future, but as soon as we do something new, and even pleasant, we switch to the present moment, in which there is no place for negative feelings. It’s as if we are breaking out of a vicious circle, getting a breath of fresh air, a surge of energy and strength, as well as a new look at what was bothering you before.

When our life is filled with new impressions, our brain trains to be active, many areas of the brain are activated, and life begins to acquire colors, we have a new vision of situations that seemed unsolvable to us.

The third step on the path to a new fulfilling life is working with limiting beliefs.

Take a piece of paper and write down all the reasons why you can’t start living a fulfilling life right now. For example, I don’t have money, I need to work, I don’t have a husband, a child, or whatever else is missing to be happy.

Now look at this list and imagine that you already have everything that you lack, and you have the opportunity not to do what you don’t want to do. Feel this state of internal sufficiency and freedom. How do you feel this state in your body? What feelings fill you? Now, in this state, think about what you want most now. Think and... do! Of course, do it, why think about it, because in fact, each of us is a sufficient and free person, and only from such a state can we make the right decision in our lives.

Such simple three steps can radically change the life of any person. Why do you think there are so few people who truly live a full life? We tend to look for complex solutions to problems that seem difficult to us. And the solution is always simple, but this decision should become a constant filling of our lives, our new happy habit!

“Why are you still with him (her)?” How many times have we asked a similar question to friends who are stuck in painful love relationships, how many times have we thought about what makes people cling to the relationship that weighs them down... Oh no, this is not love. But then what is love? A feeling that can make us happy forever? Of course not, psychoanalysis answers. Love, if it is real, does not at all give serenity. Even when the initial delight from the merging of souls subsides, it, contrary to popular belief, does not calm down - it excites and shocks us, mysteriously weaving two destinies into a single plot that defies logic. Let's look at several of its facets.

1. Feel the mystery in another

Love is a mystery both for those who are seized by it and for those who witness it. We see it, we feel it, but we don’t understand it. Why? Yes, because the ties that connect us with our loved one are inexplicable. To the one we truly love, we are attracted not only by his appearance (beauty, resemblance to someone) and not only by the images or values ​​​​that he symbolizes for us (father, mother, power, money), but by the secret, which we feel in him. It cannot be described in words, but it seems to be addressed to everything that we ourselves secretly keep in our souls: longing for what we did not receive in childhood, some kind of unaccountable suffering... “Two people, even merging in a single feeling, still remain separate people - each with their own inner world, their own secret,” says analytical psychotherapist Galina Berezovskaya.

“Love touches that part of our personality that is unfamiliar to ourselves,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulay. - In the soul of each of us lurks a particle of destructive emptiness that can destroy us. Love is nothing more than the meeting of two sufferings, two imperfections. In love, we share with another person what we ourselves painfully lack.” True love is not expressed by asking: “Give me what you have and what I lack,” but rather by confessing: “I like the path you have found to healing, the way you cope with your misfortune.”

And this has absolutely nothing to do with the legend of “two halves”, according to which love, connecting us into a perfect whole, thereby makes us happy! 1 “It is in this idea that the reason for the breakup of many married couples lies,” notes Patrick Lamboulet. - When a person notices that, despite a love relationship, he still feels some dissatisfaction with life, he may decide that he simply has not found “his soul mate” and must change his partner. But this, of course, is not so.” To truly love means to admit: “You interest me.”

2. Afraid of losing him

To love is to be afraid. And all the time. In his work The Discontents of Culture, Freud explains it this way: we become dependent on another because we constantly need him to support us in our existence. Hence the fear of loss.

“Love involves risk,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. - This feeling is dizzying, sometimes we even feel tempted to reject it, push it away: a person, fearing the power of his love, can destroy it or diminish its significance by immersing himself in matters that will reinforce his self-sufficiency. All this is to protect ourselves from the frightening power of another person over us.”

After all, as Freud emphasized, Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you - I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other in love; Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our “I” remains omnipotent. And since love takes us beyond ourselves, our “I” fights with it.

“It’s hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. - Love always brings torment. It affects our very being - what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. Once alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected from the death impulse associated with love. But if we manage to overcome the torment and discord of love, we enter a different, wonderful space, where the feeling is revealed with new strength.”

True love is not a business contract. Her fury is dangerous for both partners. We should not forget about this if we are visited by doubts, if it seems that we have “fallen out of love.” If someone else tries to pull away, it doesn't always mean they don't love you. Perhaps he is simply afraid of losing himself.

3. Willingness to go into the unknown

In love, nothing is predetermined. “None of us can guarantee the constancy of mutual feelings, nor predict the future life and development of relationships with a loved one,” says Galina Berezovskaya. We usually believe that passion first flares up and then predictably declines, but this is just a prejudice. Love in its development can also go upward.

“Having fallen in love, we enter a world in which will and reason have no power,” adds Monica Schneider. - And on this path we will have to go through completely different sections. Of course, having once soared to the heights of happiness, then, by contrast, we can feel that we are falling into the abyss. But if we are convinced in advance that love is always unreliable, this only means that our past prevents us from believing in ourselves and in another person. To truly love, you almost have to believe in a miracle. Freud speaks of expectation filled with faith. We must maintain a fire that can flare up again without requiring an immediate outbreak.” Accept the unknown, be patient...

4. Feel desire

There is no doubt: to love a person means to desire him. Moreover, Jean-Jacques Moskowitz confirms: “Physical intimacy really helps us love. Without an exchange of affection in love, something important remains unfulfilled. Lovers who deeply love each other receive special pleasure from sex. In the act of love, the difference between the sexes disappears: the two merge into one. Their members themselves are no longer given independent value - lovers in moments of passion have one body for two. Pleasure is all-conquering." Without love, we can find release in sex, pleasure to relieve tension, but to fully enjoy it, we need to truly love. “When we love, we reach other heights of pleasure,” confirms Galina Berezovskaya.

And if desire weakens, does this mean the end of love? Not at all, Galina Berezovskaya is sure: “There are happy moments when it is enough for us that our loved one exists, that he simply exists.”

However, there are women who separate love from sexual desire and beyond such moments of blissful contemplation. “It’s not that their feelings are weaker,” explains Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. - Against. They are afraid that, having indulged in love too selflessly, they may disappear in it. In all likelihood, they are constrained by some unresolved childhood problem, an ideal of love that is too closely associated with the image of the father. Experiencing a strong feeling, these adult women seem to become little girls again... and what is happening becomes similar to incest. For them, the image of the father comes to the fore, perhaps as a defense against the fear of dissolution in physical intimacy.”

Such women seek refuge in love and adoration and are wary of sexual relationships. They allow themselves to be tamed only gradually, going through the stage of a less intimate physical connection - hugs that allow you to surround your loved one with affection, as if carrying him inside you. And when desire returns, sexual attraction inevitably follows. The ebb and flow of love never stops in its eternal movement.

5. Feel the fullness of life

“To be loved is to feel that you have the right to exist,” said philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre. True love is a unique feeling of justification for one’s existence in this world; it is the illusion that our love is the only one. Love returns us to the position of a child, confident in his omnipotence, convinced that if he were not in the world, the world would be missing something important.”

By choosing each other, we make each other chosen. In distinguishing between true love and charity-love aimed at the good of one's neighbor, Freud uses the biblical theme of the Chosen One, the Messiah. In love, we endow the other with special significance. We recognize his undeniable importance: we respect him, we value him, we believe that he is irreplaceable. We made a discovery, found a treasure. We are no longer alone in the world.

Another person brings us his own world, openness to other horizons, feelings that we did not experience with such vividness before meeting him. It is as if we are awakening to a new life. We feel a sense of security because he was able to see our value. “Love helps to find the meaning of existence,” sums up Galina Berezovskaya. “When we truly love, we feel more keenly that we are alive.”

1. Plato “Dialogues” (ABC-classics, 2007).

2. Z. Freud “Dissatisfaction with Culture.” In the collection “I” and “It” (Azbuka-classics, 2009).

For our reader, a book about. John Powell will seem very unusual and even provoking, due to the main idea that the author carries through the entire content of the book. This idea consists in affirming the need for “self-love.” How is it possible, we immediately ask, isn’t selfishness, egoism the very main negative characteristic of a person against which we must always be on guard? Didn’t Jesus say: “If anyone wants to come after Me, let him deny himself...”, “He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life will save it”?

All this is true. All this is really said. But it is also said: “Love your neighbor, like yourself". One could argue that Powell's entire book is a meditation on this phrase. In fact, Holy Scripture speaks of self-love as some completely natural, inalienable quality of a person. Ap. Paul says, as if it were completely obvious: “No one hates his own flesh, but feeds and warms it...” Obviously, when speaking about self-love, Scripture does not simply remind us of the instinct of self-preservation. After all, it is precisely on this love that the second of the two most important commandments is made - the commandment of love for one's neighbor, about which Jesus says that it "similar" The first is the commandment of love for God. So, the question of attitude towards oneself is worth thinking about carefully. The author insists that correct self-love is not at all the same as selfishness and selfishness. An egoist is always concerned that he will be passed over; he is always missing something. He is always dissatisfied with what he has. Self-love is first and foremost self-acceptance, gratitude for the qualities that exist in me. If we must “give thanks for everything,” then shouldn’t we also be grateful to God for ourselves, for the fact that He created us and brought us into the world exactly like this. What each of us possesses as an individual is the very “talents” that the Lord gave us, expecting “profit” from us. By biting and biting ourselves for everything indiscriminately, won't we turn out to be rebels against God, dissatisfied with what He has given us? Hardly anyone will argue with the author who claims that if there is a constant “civil war” going on within us, then there can be no talk of any love and attention to one’s neighbor. We will be completely occupied only with ourselves, with our problems.

And vice versa - a calm and even joyful acceptance of ourselves as children of God, as a part of His creation, about which He said: “And behold, everything is very good,” will not this be a source of spiritual peace and happiness? Indeed, in its inner meaning, this is very close to what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount: “Look at the birds of the air... Are you not much better than them... Look at the lilies of the field, how they grow... and Solomon did not dress just like any of them; if God clothes the grass of the field in this way, how much more than you, you of little faith.”

This, of course, is not about an uncritical attitude towards one’s sins, but rather about the principle “hating the sin, love the sinner.” Would it not be unjust to limit the application of this wise principle to our fellow men only? Perhaps it would be permissible to say, love yourself as your neighbor?

It seems that the basis of many of our sins, committed not so much by action as by inaction, lies precisely in our rejection of ourselves, tightness, constraint, distrust of ourselves and our abilities. Self-love in the sense in which Fr. writes about it. John Powell, as the Word of God tells us about it, will give us the opportunity to joyfully discover ourselves as God's beloved children, who have been given much more than we suspect. And this greater trust and such self-love can help us take the path of greater trust and love for God and neighbor.

Priest A. Borisov

Introduction WHAT WE WANT TO ACCOMPLISH

"Man glorifies God by the fullness of his life"

St. Irenaeus, 2nd century.

My brothers and sisters! I am convinced that the deepest and most restless desire of my soul is the desire to gain the fullness of humanity, the fullness of life. And therefore, what haunts me most of all is the fear that I might squander and waste a wonderful opportunity to live. My daily prayers change depending on experience and current needs, but one of them remains constant: “O God, my Father, do not let me die without experiencing real life and true love!” With the same hope, I pray for all of you that this will come true in your lives. To the extent that I understand my motivations, I can say that the desire to see your life full and comprehensive is what prompted me to write this book. In my life I have met something good, inspiring, life-giving, and I want to share this gift with you.

In my search for the fullness of human life, there have always been moments when its special completeness was achieved, when it was deeply transformed. These are moments of special insight, moments of deep holistic vision (“insight”). In these very valuable insights, sometimes the whole panorama of my world expanded, and my participation in life deepened and intensified; such moments left the impression of a holiday, like the 4th of July." At other times, it was like a leisurely dawn, when the gift of life and light is not given immediately.

I also experienced the joy of recognition and a warm sense of inner kinship with the great psychologist Carl Jung when I saw that he introduced insight along with the three traditional theological virtues. He said that the most meaningful moments in his own life are moments of faith, hope, love and epiphanies("Man in Search of a Soul").

Of course, the value of insights must be tested in the laboratory of life. Any knowledge that does not change the quality of our life is fruitless, and its value is in question. On the other hand, if the quality and emotional forms of life change, one can trace how the corresponding change is associated with some new insight or perception. This was the story of my life, and I am sure that the story of all people is the same.

Let me now digress from the main topic and turn to a few personal examples. Among all the epiphanies in my own life that have profoundly changed her and me, I would like to name the following:

1) Disgusting qualities in myself and in others (propensity to lie, boast, gossip, irritable disposition, etc.) are, in essence, real cries of suffering and calls for help.

2) A good idea of ​​oneself is the most valuable thing in the human psyche.

3) Success or failure in human relationships is determined mainly by the success or failure of communication.

4) Achieving fullness and freedom in the experience and expression of all our feelings is necessary for our inner peace and meaningfulness in relationships.

5) I do not take personal responsibility for solving other people's problems. If I try to do this, other people will remain immature and dependent on me.

6) Love should not be conditioned by anything, otherwise it becomes a means of manipulation. Unconditional love is the only kind of love that allows a person to establish himself and grow internally.

All these insights, as well as many others, became the content of my previous books. It seems to me that it is worth listing and articulating some of them here, since they deeply influenced me, my way of life, my vision of the world in its different dimensions. Having seen the relationship between perceptions and life, having experienced it as an insight, I want to convey it to you in this book. Let's boil it down to one sentence: our access to the happiness of a full-blooded human life is determined by our personal perception of reality. Throughout the pages of this book, I will often refer to this personalized perception of reality as “vision.” As they say, "what you see is what you get!"