I myself lived with my parents and relatives. Moved to a rented apartment. Sharing personal experience. I look at the topic of separation deeper than just territorial separation.

For those who do not yet know, “separation” in psychology is the separation of an adult child from his parents and his formation as an independent person.

Separation from parents is a very broad topic from a psychological point of view. Living with parents greatly affects a person's thinking. I won’t reveal all the subtleties here, but will write more superficial points so that everyone can understand and try them on for themselves.

When I was studying the topic of separation, I heard that many people who are not separated are social phobics who have a lot of fears. I didn’t have such a problem, so I don’t have my own experience in solving such issues. It is better to solve such questions with a psychologist or on your own, studying articles and videos of other people. For example, there are webinars by Denis Burkhaev - and. I haven’t studied these webinars specifically, but I’m familiar with other materials from this psychologist, he says very intelligent things.

My separation experience

The issue of separation from my parents affected me personally. When I finally decided to move, I was not 18, but not yet 30 years old. My view on the topic of separation may be useful to people of this age.

I didn’t have any strong psychological fears. There was no need to move from my parents to another city. The financial issue is not so much of a concern, but spending money on a rented apartment is a significant part of the expenses for me.

I've been thinking about moving away from my parents for a long time. I don't only child in the family, my brother has different views on life. He lives with his parents and it doesn't bother him. I always wanted better life, I was stressed by everyday inconveniences, the inability to create a personal life, and the lack of responsibility.

I had doubts about whether to move out or not, but I weighed the pros and cons of living together and separately from my parents. I share my thoughts with you.

Pros of living with parents

1. I don’t spend 25-35k a month on renting housing.
This is really a big plus. This is the average salary in my city.
But I decided for myself this way: I allocate 60k to live in a rented apartment for 2 months. I spend this money and forget about it. If I don’t like living separately from my parents, I’ll go back. I am ready to gain experience of living separately from my parents by paying this amount.

2. No need to cook food
Living with your parents you can always have something to eat.
But I can cook my own food. In addition, I will also learn to cook - this is a good skill.

3. No housework
You need to clean your room, but you don’t need to wash the floors in the hallway, wash the sink, toilet, or stove.
But it's not a problem. I'll wash everything you need. At the same time, I’ll find out what to use to clean the toilet, what’s there, there seemed to be some kind of “Duckling”. It’s not good at my age to have no experience in such everyday matters.

4. Parents’ experience: how to iron, wash, tie
Parents can be asked how to make creases on trousers, how to wash things: inside out or not.
But this is not a problem at all. Now all this can be found on the Internet.

5. You can count on your parents' help
There were cases when I ordered something to be delivered by courier to my home, but I myself was not at home. It's good when someone can help in such a situation.
But such situations do not happen often. And in general, sooner or later parents will not be able to help with this, you need to become independent.

Disadvantages of living with parents

1. Frequent noise in the apartment
It is impossible to work productively and engage in self-education. Work requires concentration. Reading books also requires a calmer atmosphere.

2. The toilet, bath, and kitchen are often busy
I wake up and instead of going to wash myself and cook something to eat, I wait until all this is free. Often my “morning” begins in the afternoon. And life passes.

3. Dirty dishes in the sink, other people’s things scattered around the apartment
I don’t like dirty dishes in the sink when there’s no water in the kettle. I don’t like it when other people’s personal belongings are scattered around the apartment.

4. It’s uncomfortable to bring a girl
Of course, we can bring you, but we won’t feel comfortable here. And a girl may not want to go to an apartment where there are other people behind the wall.

5. Overprotectiveness
A child will always be a child for his parents. They want to make their child better, protect him from some worries (not everyone is like this, on the contrary, some are burdened). I had guardianship. When your parents try to do everything for you, you grow up to be a dependent person. Being independent is important, especially for a man.

6. You can’t build your life
If you want to invite someone to visit, it’s inconvenient. Making improvements to the apartment is inconvenient; parents are against changes. There are many restrictions due to living with my parents.

7. The influence of parental thinking
Our environment influences us. People who watch TV say that you can’t earn big money honestly, that all the rich have stolen, that you have to go to work like everyone else for a meager salary - this has a negative impact. I have a different mindset.

Pros of living separately from parents

1. Independence, responsibility for your life
Yes. This is what I want.

2. Personal territory, order in the apartment
Yes. This is what will make me happy when I walk around the apartment.

3. You can bring a girl
Whenever you want, as much as you want, as much as you want. Comfortable conditions.

4. Calm atmosphere
You can work productively and study useful information and don't get distracted.

5. Gaining experience of everyday life
Learning to do things around the house is a rewarding experience.

6. Household comfort, freedom
I wanted to go to the toilet, bath, kitchen - everything was free. You can invite anyone, anytime.

Disadvantages of living separately from parents

1. Cash expenses 25-35k per month
The amount is, of course, not small.
But I’ll spend money, but I’ll gain experience. If I don't like it, I'll come back. I'll still earn money.

2. You need to cook food
I will spend my time preparing food.
But boiling potatoes, buckwheat, frying a cutlet is not difficult and does not take long. I can handle it. But I will learn to cook.

3. Housework
I will spend time cleaning the house.
But I’ll learn to take care of the house, I’ll learn about all these housekeeping, mops, rags.

4. No one will help
He won’t back you up, he won’t give you worldly advice.
But sooner or later you will still have to cope on your own. It’s better now than if everything falls apart later. And in general, now you can find out a lot on the Internet.

5. It’s sad that you’re not around parents who might need help.
The parents are not young, anything can happen.
But I don’t leave my parents, I don’t fly to the other side of the world. You can contact us by phone. If they need help, I will help.

6. It may be unsafe to leave expensive items in the apartment.
Maybe the landlord will turn out to be a thief or the apartment will be raided by burglars.
But the only valuable thing in the apartment will be a laptop. And what is more valuable is not the laptop itself, but its contents. Backups solve this problem.

These are specifically my pros and cons of living together and separately from my parents. Some points may coincide with you, but there may be others. Think through your list of pros and cons, and then it will be easier for you to decide whether to move out from your parents or not.

After compiling my list, I clearly understood that I wanted to live separately from my parents. If you don’t move out forever, then at least try. Money spent is just money to be earned. And I won’t get back the time of my life.

In the end, I found a rented apartment and moved.

What did I gain from separation

• The days have become longer, even despite the fact that I need to go to the store and cook food. I have time to do more things. I wake up early in the morning, happy with life, and do all my morning chores. Nobody interferes.
• Learned to cook.
• Gained experience in planning purchases.
• Learned how to do household chores around the house.
• Personal life.
  Thoughts stopped arising: “I’ll meet a girl, go on a date, but what next, where should I take her?” Internal state has changed. And a guy who does not live with his parents is more attractive to girls. I met more girls.
• Responsibility.
  Every day I make small decisions: what will I eat today, whether I need to go to the store, whether I need to defrost the meat, whether I’m out of food household chemicals, washing, ironing, house cleaning. When a person makes a lot, even such small decisions, then his psyche gets used to being independent.
• New thoughts in my head.
  Probably everyone can have their own thoughts. Both good and bad. I won't talk about mine.
• Felt it complete freedom and a lot of possibilities. Here are my rules.
• The pleasant feeling of “I can provide for myself.” Here I am on my territory, I cooked my own food and ate well.

What did I lose when moving?

• Money to pay for the apartment.

This is all. The benefits of moving are obvious.

Results of the move

The time I spent on cooking, shopping, etc., I consider not lost, but invested in my skills. But the situation with money is different, because paying that kind of money for rent is still a bit much for me now. But this is a reason to earn more.

Renting an apartment is not financially profitable, but psychologically beneficial. In general, living separately, there are more opportunities for obtaining good earnings, but it takes time. They say that you need to get used to living separately from your parents, then you will be motivated to provide for yourself, and you will earn as much as you need.

Now I see a good temporary option for jointly renting a 2-3-room apartment with like-minded people. So that this is not a communal apartment with drunks, but with developing personalities. People who want to separate from their parents are precisely those who strive for the best in life. It will be pleasant to live in the same apartment with such people. The result is a triple benefit: separation, economic benefit, good environment. Therefore, those who cannot afford to rent a separate apartment can rent an apartment with like-minded people. You can find an ad or create your own on the page.

So should you move away from your parents or not?

Haven't you answered this question for yourself yet? Haven't opened websites with apartment rental advertisements yet?

If you want to realize yourself as a person, then of course move!

If possible, move out. At least for a couple of months. Spend that money on maybe best stage in your life, do not spare money for it. Spend it and forget about it. Having lived separately, you most likely will not want to return to your parents.

Find out how to avoid typical mistakes during separation, how to tell your parents that you want to live separately and answers to many other questions can be found in the webinar by Denis Burkhaev -.

If something is constantly bothering you or you are afraid to communicate with people, then I recommend paying attention to Denis Burkhaev’s webinars - and. Perhaps this will help you and you won’t have to spend money on many sessions with psychologists.

I do not consider options when a student leaves his parents for a university dormitory or his own apartment. Not everyone has this opportunity. This article discusses the option of renting an apartment.

Plan for moving from parents to a rented apartment

1. Write down the pros and cons of joint and separation with parents.
I shared my thoughts on this in an article.
After you write down the pros and cons, you will most likely realize that you really need to move out from your parents. It is important that you understand this for yourself.

2. Work through your fears and concerns.
If you are afraid that you won't be able to handle something on your own or that you won't have enough money, then write down your fears. Determine for yourself what you will do if you fail. Understand that if something goes wrong, you will simply move back to your parents.

3. Set aside a budget for 2-3 months of rent.
Use it to find out how much you need to earn per month to rent an apartment.

If you have a stable salary and you are confident that you can handle it, then you can skip the stage of allocating a budget.
If you don’t have money for rent, but want to move out from your parents, then you need to decide financial issue. There is no need to take out loans. Find a job or part-time job. For example, you can earn extra money on the KWORK website. There you can complete various tasks and get at least 400 rubles for them.

Consider the option of renting not a whole apartment, but a room or part of a room.
If you have money, but you think that you won’t have enough for food, then count everything. Start saving so that it will last for a while.

Consider additional expenses: household chemicals, bed sheets, dishes, etc.

4. Think about what you will do after you move out.
You will need to earn money to pay rent for the apartment. Prepare for this. You need a source of income: work, business.
If you run out of money, you will have to move back to your parents.

5. Start looking for apartment options.
See advertisements, call landlords. Find an apartment that suits you and move. I wrote about how to find an apartment in an article.

6. Move things.
If we talk about complete separation, and not just territorial separation from parents, then it is important to take into account the following points:

• Don't transport all your belongings. Take only the basic ones. It's better not to take the things your parents give you. Buy it for yourself.
• Do not call your parents when you don’t know how to cook food, wash things, or for other household issues. Figure it out for yourself.

This is due to the fact that when you take your parents’ things or ask them for help, they feel that you are still dependent on them, and complete separation does not occur.

Once you have done all these steps, you will move and other difficulties will begin. Do not give up! Re-read your list of pros and cons so you remember why you are doing all this.

You can find out how to prepare for separation psychologically and how to avoid common mistakes in the webinar by Denis Burkhaev -.

Many young people today are forced to live with their parents. This is quite good in economic terms. But in many other respects, such a life is not something good. That’s why more and more people are saying they want to move away from their parents. But what to do if there is no money for such an event? After all, not every guy or girl has a large and stable income.

I want to leave my parents. What to do?

To begin to deal with such a problem, you need to identify it. Just tell your parents about your desire. Be prepared for it to be a shock to them. But such a shock is more ostentatious than real.

You need to bring good reasons of your move. You must prove that you will not disappear and will not turn your new home into a drug den.

If you have your own money, then say so. Let everyone know that you are not a dreamer who only talks.

When there is no money to move, the situation becomes more complicated. You will have to ask your parents to . To do this, you will have to explain the situation and tell how important it is for you. Then they will definitely finance you.

Where can I get money for moving?

If you really want independence, then start with financial independence. Get a job. For starters, you can work in a cafe or at a car wash. They pay quite well there.

You can move in with your boyfriend (girlfriend). Together you can earn better money and distribute expenses efficiently. Just before that you have to tell your parents about your significant other.

Calculate your expenses. If you want to rent an apartment, you will need quite a lot of money. Also, do not forget to count the finances for small household items, utilities, unforeseen circumstances, etc. It is better to have a pre-accumulated cash reserve. This way you will solve the initial difficulties.

Moving away from parents and everyday difficulties

Remember that a single life comes with many different responsibilities. You should be able to:

• Maintain cleanliness in the apartment;
• Prepare your own food;
• Pay utilities;
• Understand your things;
• Plan your daily routine;
• Follow the money.

It's better to learn all this in advance. Build your independence while living with your parents. Otherwise, you risk facing many difficulties.

And you shouldn’t break off the relationship completely. Ask for advice and ask for help from your loved ones if necessary. Do not follow the path of insults and mutual accusations.

Anyone can declare that they want to move out from their parents. But implementing this in practice is more difficult. Don't accept quick solutions. Prepare thoroughly for everything. Then you will be able to study in complete freedom without any problems.

Why are we so afraid to move away from our parents?

In England, it is considered the norm to live with parents until the age of 30: real estate in the country is expensive, and young people do not want to worry about loans ahead of time. In the USA, the situation is exactly the opposite: as soon as a child becomes an adult, he tries to escape from parental supervision. Even if you have to take out a loan for this. The rest of Europe (without the United Kingdom) is too heterogeneous in this regard: some live with their parents, some are not allowed to leave, while others leave home as soon as possible.

There can be any number of reasons for living together with parents, and each child (yes, for our parents we remain children for the rest of our lives) will have their own.

Let's look at the most popular of them.

It's comfortable

You're stuck at work, you came home tired from university... Or you just don't work, but you need to live somewhere. Your parents' house is a place where you will always be fed, watered and put to bed. It is warm and cozy here, there is internet, TV and even hot water in the tap.

When we are surrounded by care, and we don’t have to rack our brains over problems like “where to find money for utilities, or even a loaf of bread,” we willy-nilly begin to be lazy. It is much more pleasant to live in your own cozy little world than to go somewhere beyond it.

Here you can talk for a long time about “who is to blame”: parents or children. Some create too much good conditions for life, while others accept them.

The essence remains the same - as long as we are comfortable, we will not move.

It is cheap

Every month a terrible piece of paper with numbers falls into the mailbox. Very rare cost utilities pleasantly pleases. More often it’s shock and long thoughts about where to get the money.

While we live with our parents, we don’t think about paying for utilities, water supply, and electricity. Yes, you even have to pay for the elevator. And we take it for granted: a house without an elevator spinster without a cat.

And if utility bills come once a month, then you want to eat every day. You also have to get to work, go somewhere with friends, or take a girl out on a date. Sometimes, in order not to live alone, we get a pet - and then again we spend money on feeding it, vaccinations and other unforeseen circumstances. And you also need to get dressed, buy various detergents and cleaning products... In general, the list of expenses is endless.

Having calculated the approximate budget for separate housing for one month, we understand: come on, pride and everything else - I’d rather live with my parents. And I’ll spend the extra money on entertainment or new jeans.

This is an excuse to be a child

If a faucet leaks or a pipe bursts, now only you have to solve this problem yourself. It’s no longer possible to leave here, leaving mom to wait for the plumber. Now you are responsible for everything that happens.

And at such moments, many children (let’s call them that) exclaim: “God, have I really become an adult?!” Growing up is also about the ability to make decisions and take responsibility.

Moving away from our parents, we leave our childhood with them, in our children's room and the wallpaper outlined in the hallway. In a new home - whether it is rented or ours, it doesn’t matter - we ourselves become the masters of life.

And before, we took many things for granted: a freshly prepared dinner or washed plumbing, a made bed and the presence of a TV. Now you begin to appreciate them more than ever. Moreover, you begin to understand why mom got angry if you didn’t put things back in their place. And why did dad teach me how to turn on a faucet and hammer a nail?

Independent living is cool

But if you put all fears aside, how cool it is to live on your own. Arrange pots and plates at your discretion, cook your favorite dishes for dinner (and let the fourth day in a row fried potatoes). Get up whenever you like. Walk around naked without fear of bumping into your parents.

It is advisable to move away from your parents before you meet the person with whom you want to connect your destiny. Moreover, it is important not just to leave, but to be emotionally independent from your father’s home. About how patriarchal society influences us and what are the signs of adulthood - in an interview with psychotherapist Elena Karachun.

Elena Karachun
psychotherapist
Minsk Regional Clinical Center "Psychiatry-Narcology",
Head of the Minsk Regional Center for Borderline Conditions

Patriarchal traditions prevail in our society

In our society, the stereotype persists that the countdown adult life starts from the moment of creation own family. In parallel with this, we actively preserve patriarchal traditions.

It is believed that a guy must start independent life earlier. This is necessary so that he learns to provide for himself and his future family. This responsibility is removed from the girls. They are taught from childhood that the main thing is to get married and have children. Like, you don’t have to learn how to earn money and support yourself. I think this approach is wrong.

With this development of events, men bear hyper-responsibility. They have to take on too much. Often for this reason, representatives of the stronger sex arrange “explosions” for women. They want to escape responsibility. They start drinking or going on a spree.

Girls with early childhood They get used to the role of having a breadwinner. Like, at most she will work at least at some job, and let him bring money. In this sense, in my opinion, people need to learn something before they get into a relationship or marriage.

Rules for those who are planning to live independently

There are three components of adult life: taking care of your own life, financial independence, and psychological self-regulation.

You should not think that someone (mom, dad, partner) will look after your life. You need to not only be able to “wipe the crumbs off the table,” but also keep your clothes clean. It is better not to follow the stereotypical idea that the wife will clean and do the laundry. Everyday life is our space, it is important to arrange it yourself. Moreover, it is desirable to have such skills regardless of gender.

You also need to be able to take responsibility for your finances. This is an understanding of how much money you need to live, what quality of life is preferable for you and how much you need to earn for this. It doesn’t hurt to answer the question of whether you need to save money in reserve.

At the same time, living together is called that because you do something together. Everyone's contribution is determined by agreement. It is only important to maintain the initial frame of equal investment. For example, the ability to redistribute your budget, and, say, buy a TV together. Living in a couple, a man should not buy a new iron or washing machine. It is advisable to make such purchases using general income. In some family, a girl can give 30% of the amount, a man - 70%, in some - 50 to 50%. These issues are resolved differently for each couple.

The psychotherapist recommends studying by separating from the parental family. It is advisable to live separately and try life “taste” even before the guy or girl meets a partner and wants to build a relationship with her/him.

It is also important psychological well-being. This is a skill of emotional self-regulation.

One or more people cannot constantly solve the problems of another. Not only parents, but also a partner can act as the first. It is advisable to be able to solve your problems yourself. Moreover, by regulating your emotional condition. Often in families, one partner outweighs his emotional state on the other, so that the other calms him down, or vice versa, cheers him up. Then there is a feeling that I feel good or bad because someone else is doing and saying something or vice versa. This is not true. The state of one cannot depend on the other, because each of us is an individual.

Another person is another person. There is no need to be afraid of the grinding period or quarrels. It's important not to be afraid to talk to your partner. According to the psychotherapist, we are afraid of quarrels and do not have a culture of behavior in them. It is important not to just yell at your interlocutor or break dishes and release your anger. You need to be able to understand the situation. Where the result will be a final clarification of relationships, understanding. Young people should learn from their parents to accept and understand each other. Having lived for many years, people know their partner well. Thanks to acceptance, they are able to talk about each other’s shortcomings calmly. Often among relatives these facts even turn into family jokes.

When to leave parents' house

There is no clear age when you should leave your parents. The main thing is not when, but why a person does not do it in a natural way. Wanting independence, developing the ability to overcome difficulties, building life according to your own plan are natural desires. It all depends on the type of personality and the situation in each specific family. Don't be afraid to try. It's not too early to move at 18. It is important to realize that porridge is not prepared by itself in the morning, and laundry is not ironed without one’s own participation. No one should do this for you (neither your mother nor your partner).

You can understand simple things even if you live with your parents, but for this there must be a healthy microclimate in the family. It’s not a bad practice when a person, having matured, contributes to life together with parents. For example, he gives part of his income to pay for groceries and utility bills, and buys washing powder.

It is important not to focus only on the availability of your own home. In our country (unlike many European ones), it is easier for a young family to get a loan for the construction of living space. In Europe, your own apartment remains inaccessible throughout your life. But we often don’t want to solve problems and, until we get our own corner, we don’t move out of our parents. Moreover, such behavior encourages older generation. Like, son or daughter, why are you going to spend money on renting an apartment, live with us.

Parents give young people the message to remain children. Sometimes they are simply afraid of losing their former roles as parents or fear the breakup of their own family.

An apartment separate from the parents is a personal space. It should be. First of all, it is important for understanding yourself. You can gain this experience only by living separately.

The main thing is to be psychologically mature

Not everything is always clear. If parental family had a healthy microclimate, then you can learn many things from it. The main thing is to be psychologically mature and autonomous.

Sometimes you meet people who are outwardly independent. They do everything to spite their parents, because that’s what they want. However, they are still waiting for approval. They are guided by thoughts, they say, I will argue until my parents approve.

One more example emotional dependence- this is confusion in your desires and the desires of others. For example, parents want their daughter to be a designer. She doesn’t want to get this profession, but she doesn’t know what she wants, so she obeys.

Material separation from parents is not the same as psychological separation.

In relationships, this manifests itself in hyper-attachment to a partner with the phrase: “I can’t live without you.”

Independence is a natural need of youth

According to the psychotherapist, this necessary stage in the life of every person entering adulthood.

It is from 20 to 30 years that we search for a partner for life. After 30, we stabilize at work and begin to realize ourselves. At the time of searching, it’s nice to live with your parents, but it’s important to understand what exactly you want. For example, tell your family, I won’t have dinner with you today. I want to try a new recipe. I will definitely treat you, but I will prepare the food myself.

Elena is sure that the issue is often not with the parents, but with the person himself. Some people are afraid to grow up and give up. Moreover, this does not depend on gender at all. The personal ability of each of us to understand and cope with our own internal conflicts and age-related crises is important. Act like an adult.

Signs of adulthood

Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility is often confused with guilt. After all, you don’t have to think that you need to do everything right. Or, conversely, blame yourself for all sins. IN difficult situations There is no need to punish yourself, you need to try to figure out the problem. Understand what can be improved in order to move forward. The ability to act on your choice, accepting its consequences, is responsibility. Sometimes we make mistakes - that's normal.

In addition, you need to try to understand that life is not only black and white. This unambiguous position is “classical neurotic thinking.” In this case, resolving internal conflict or choosing between duty and desire is difficult. You need to understand that adulthood is the ability to find a third color or a third way out (compromise). This is an opportunity to choose your own path.

Another sign of adulthood is contact with yourself. Understanding who I am. Knowing your “I” doesn’t hurt. An adult acts and makes choices based on what he needs and what suits him. In this case, you won’t have to strive to be like someone else. All that remains is to realize yourself.

Adulthood is about independent emotional boundaries. When it’s bad, a person doesn’t go smoking, drinking or burdening someone with his problems, but calms himself down on his own. Moreover, this applies to both manifestations of bright sadness and bright joy.

The transition from childhood to adulthood is associated with the integrity and autonomy of one’s own opinions. An adult knows how to choose his own rules of life, determine values, and look for people who have made similar choices.