In the psychological literature, families are divided into several types: functional and dysfunctional families. In the first case, all family members are able to resolve conflicts and find mutual language provide each other with the necessary support in critical life situations, each of the family members feels free and independently assumes the performance of role functions. But such families, although they are the norm, are increasingly becoming a thing of the past, and in their place the phenomenon of a dysfunctional family of co-dependent parents and children appears. What is "codependency" and what does it lead to similar relationship And what happens to children who grow up in such families?

The nature of codependency

The simplest example of a co-dependent family is a family where the father drinks heavily, the mother saves her husband, who is no longer so beloved, and the children suffer from the actions of both parents. In a co-dependent family, one of its members suffers from a strong chemical or mental addiction, and all his thoughts and aspirations have long been subordinated to the idea of ​​​​getting another “dose”. And the co-dependent - that is, the one who tries to save the “sick”, subordinates his whole life to his dependence, tries to save the family. As a rule, these attempts are doomed to failure.

Codependency is not included mental disorders otherwise half the country would have to be treated. Some scholars even hypothesize that anyone who cares too much about another person is codependent.

Codependency is characterized in different ways. This concept is interpreted as a special psychological and emotional condition a person that appears in him as a result of prolonged adherence to certain attitudes that prevent him from directly expressing his feelings and emotions. The codependent person is unable to maintain healthy relationships with others, he takes on a huge responsibility for the life, well-being and even mood of a partner. The desire to control the situation and the behavior of another provokes the loss of control of the codependent over own life. For example, a wife unsuccessfully struggles with her husband's alcoholism and, in order to prevent him from drinking vodka, tries to control his every step. A man does not stop drinking, and a woman sacrifices time in vain.

Psychologists have managed to compile an unimaginably large list of personality traits with dependent person. One gets the impression that every second inhabitant of the country can be ranked among the ranks of co-dependents. And this is no accident. The fact is that women are at risk, they more often become co-dependent, pull the family on themselves, take care of the well-being of their husband and children. The features of a co-dependent person are in many ways similar to the character traits of the “ideal woman” in our country, a real Soviet wife and mother.

Usually codependents have extremely low self-esteem and have a high level of empathy, allowing them to be very sensitive to the emotions of others. Codependents are not very good at taking care of themselves and try all their time and energy to serve others. The neurotic need for someone to patronize and control pushes codependents to destructive relationship with a knowingly unsuitable partner to whom you can devote your whole life.

Codependents experience constant need please others: colleagues and bosses at work, family members, neighbors, and even strangers. Such a person works very hard “for the good of the family”, rarely complains, tries to predict the slightest desires of a partner, to please everyone. Over time, kindness and concern for others transforms into aggression and anger towards loved ones: “You don’t appreciate me! Do everything yourself! ”, But the co-dependent quickly calms down and begins to repent of what was said. He returns to the usual strategy of behavior, that is, he continues to do everything for others, to save, help, take care, etc.

Both spouses and children of parents with chemical dependence can be co-dependent. As a rule, people who grow up in such dysfunctional families become codependent. The worst thing about codependency is that the “rescuer” will never save the addicted partner, no matter how hard he tries and no matter how much time passes. In a family where co-dependent forms of relationships are maintained, an unhealthy atmosphere reigns, and the dependent person will not be able to get rid of the addiction even after he has undergone treatment and returns to the family. Treatment in this case is necessary not only for a person suffering from chemical dependence, but also for all members of this family.

Codependents learn to hide their true feelings and desires, do not know how to express them. Therefore, others do not consider it necessary to respect the codependent. Psychologists have also identified other features of a codependent personality:

Another paradox of codependency is that if, by some miracle, the addict is cured and returns to normal life- codependent will lose the meaning of existence and will not be able to adapt to new circumstances.

And children in co-dependent families eventually acquire the features of their parents, plus, they suffer from a whole complex psychological problems ranging from insecurity to depression.

To get rid of codependency, it is advisable to seek qualified help from a psychologist, since this is not a one-day job and requires a revision of personal values, beliefs, childhood traumas, etc.

In psychology, there is such a thing as codependency - a symbiosis of relationships. In the context of the relationship between parents and a child, this phenomenon can be characterized as a violation of the psychological boundaries between children and adults. In codependency, there are manipulations when a parent uses a child for his own purposes, imposes his desires and acceptable behaviors on him.

The most striking example of codependence, when the child and parents becomes a single "we". Mothers often use this pronoun to refer to the child and themselves in infancy: "we ate", "we took a walk", "we went to the potty". When the baby grows up, this generalization disappears. If this does not happen, codependence appears in the family. Children raised in such families consider themselves "good", and the rest of their peers are presented by their parents as "bad". As a result, the child becomes alienated from other children.

Another rule of co-dependent families is the full observance of the established rules. If a child meets the requirements of mom and dad, he will be loved and cared for. If the requirements are not met, the child is deprived of parental love. It turns out that relationships are built on the fear of not being loved.

There are a number of mechanisms that contribute to increased control over children:

• Guilt. Most often, parents emphasize the child on how much they sacrifice their interests for the sake of the child. Children in such a family are presented as ungrateful, which contributes to lowering their self-esteem. This feeling does not give the child the opportunity to break out of parental captivity and begin to live his own life. Each step towards independence is accompanied by parental reproaches and guilt.
• Fear. WITH early childhood the child develops an idea of ​​the world around him as a danger. family codependency shown as the only possible way deal with aggression outside world. The child begins to perceive the world as it is presented to him by his parents, and this perception is distorted. The reason for this is the failure and fears of the parents themselves.
• Shame. When a child does not live up to his parents' expectations, he begins to experience psychological discomfort. He is taught strict observance family rules. He should only do what mom and dad want. Otherwise, he will become a stranger and flawed.
• Love. One of the strongest co-dependency mechanisms between parents and children is love. It just doesn't show up in pure form, but with admixtures of malice, manipulation and violence. As a result, children are ready for any sacrifice, just to get parental love. The danger of the situation lies in the fact that children form a distorted idea of ​​love. They do not know pure and unconditional love, a grown child will be able to love only if there is a co-dependent relationship.

All these mechanisms contribute to the fact that in adulthood it is difficult for a person to adapt normally to society. Co-dependent children, even having matured, often continue to live with their parents, not being able to start their own family.

Codependency, its causes, forms and manifestations in family relationships

Codependency is one of the most common problems full life of people. It concerns not only individuals, but society as a whole, which creates conditions conducive to co-dependent relationships and their transmission from generation to generation. Codependents experience a constant need for approval from others, maintain degrading relationships and feel powerless to change anything, are unaware of their true wants and needs, and are unable to feel true intimacy and love. “Someone once said: you will know that you are an addicted person when, dying, you will find that not your own, but someone else’s life will flash before you.”

There are a lot of definitions of codependence, we will consider only some of them, the most common ones.

"Codependency is an acquired disorder resulting from developmental arrest or developmental 'stickiness' from which one can later psychologically grow."

"Codependency - pathological condition, characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on another person. Most often, the term is used in relation to relatives and friends of alcoholics, drug addicts and other people with any addictions, but is far from being limited to them.

The codependent person, having allowed the behavior of another person to influence him, becomes completely absorbed in controlling the actions of this other person, and thus regulate his own state.

For a state of codependency is typical:

Delusion, denial, self-deception;

Compulsive actions;

. "frozen" feelings;

Low self-esteem, self-hatred, guilt;

Suppressed anger, uncontrolled aggression;

Pressure and control over another person, obsessive help;

Focus on others, ignoring one's needs, psychosomatic illnesses;

Communication problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.

Codependent attitudes are especially pronounced in families with alcohol or drug addictions. And also in families where there is:

vacuum of intimacy;

Denying problems and maintaining illusions;

Frozen rules and roles;

conflict in relationships;

Non-differentiation of the "I" of each member ("If mom is angry, then everyone is angry");

The boundaries of the personality are either mixed or tightly separated by an invisible wall;

Everyone hides the secret of the family and maintains a facade of pseudo well-being;

Tendency to polarity of feelings and judgments; (The world is black and white. Another person is either good or bad. There is no separation that actions can be bad, and a person, as a person, always do everything with the best of intentions)

The closeness of the family system;

Absolutization of will, control.

Codependency, which is common to almost 98% of the adult population, is the source of much of human suffering. "Codependency is an acquired dysfunctional behavior resulting from the incompleteness of one or more developmental tasks in early childhood."

M. Mahler developed her own separation-individuation theory in the development of the child.

From the moment of birth to 2-3 years, the child completes the solution of a number of tasks of his development. The most important psychological developmental task during this period is to establish trust between mother and child. If the establishment of a basic trust or connection has been successful, then the child feels secure enough to explore the outside world and subsequently, at the age of 2-3 years, complete his so-called second, or "psychological birth". Psychological birth occurs when a child learns to be psychologically independent of its mother.

M. Mahler distinguishes two different, however, intertwined processes. Separation The process by which the child develops a sense of independence and self-image as separate from the mother. Individuation is an attempt to build one's own unique identity. In the course of these intrapsychic processes, the child acquires the ability to function independently, he ceases to be dependent on the mother, but retains an interpersonal connection with her. With the growth of the stability of internal structures, object relations reach more high levels development, and relationships become deeper and stronger.

M. Mahler found that people whose separation-individuation phase was completed successfully, in the future do not depend on people or things outside that would control them. They have a whole inner feeling their uniqueness and idea of ​​who they are. They can be in close relationships with other people without fear of losing themselves as a person. They can effectively meet all their needs, turning to others if they need help. Have to take responsibility for their actions, share, interact and restrain aggression, deal appropriately with the authority of others, express their feelings in words, and deal effectively with fear and anxiety. And they do not lose their overall positive self-image when others criticize them. The incompleteness of this phase can deprive a person of the fullness of the sensations of all his human qualities and force him to lead a very closed life, in which fear, insincere behavior and addictions will prevail.

“Life moves steadily and progressively towards individuation, a lifelong process in which a person becomes a “psychological individual, that is, a separate inseparability or “whole”.

individuation- the process of awareness of one's "I", self-realization and transformation into a more complete person with an individual structure inherent only to him. This name reflects the fact that the closer a person comes to the unconscious and the more he connects it with the contents of his conscious mind, the stronger becomes his sense of the uniqueness of his individuality.

C. G. Jung emphasizes three moments of individuation:

1. development of a holistic personality;

2. the impossibility of implementation in a state of isolation, as it presupposes and includes collective relationships;

3. implies a certain level of opposition to social norms, which has no absolute value.

The process of individuation generates a sense of self-confidence. A person begins to understand that it is not at all necessary for him to be like others, since it is much safer to be himself. There is no need to turn life into an imitation of other people's lives. A person realizes that he has his own values, own image lives that correspond to the “I” given to him from birth.

A necessary step in every family is the separation of children from their parents. As A.Ya. Varga writes, every child must go through the process of separation in order to become an adult, independent, responsible, in order to be able to create own family. Often, if a person has not gone through the process of separation from mom and dad, then in marriage he does what is required for his normal life. mental development, in such cases, the marriage is concluded for divorce.

Adult codependency occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish a relationship with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes a part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality.

Any significant relationships give rise to a certain amount of emotional co-dependence, because, letting close people into our lives, we necessarily react to their emotional state, one way or another we adapt to their lifestyle, tastes, habits, needs. However, in so-called "healthy" or mature relationships, there is always enough space left to satisfy one's own needs, to achieve one's own goals and individual growth of a person who, as you know, maintains health and vitality only in the process of development.

In relationships that we call codependent, spaces for free development personality is almost non-existent. A person's life is completely absorbed by the significant other. And in such cases, he lives not his own, but his life. The codependent person ceases to distinguish own needs and goals from the goals and needs of the beloved. He does not have his own development: his thoughts, feelings, actions, ways of interacting and decisions move along vicious circle, cyclically and inevitably returning a person to repeating the same mistakes, problems and failures.

Speaking schematically, the psychological territory of one person, absorbed by the psychological territory of another, practically ceases its sovereign existence. When people interact with each other, their psychological territories (or territory boundaries) come into contact: they can be crossed, occupied, respected or forcibly limited.

There are a lot of ways or forms of marital co-dependencies that partners use to fill the empty shell of the “I”, but all of them can be reduced to 4 main ones. We will consider them based on both metaphors that convey the essence of co-dependent relationships, that is, using the concept of the interaction of psychological territories and the “cellular structure” of co-dependence.

1. Love through the rejection of one's own sovereignty and the dissolution of one's psychological territory in the partner's territory.

A person who has given up his sovereignty lives in the interests of his partner. He incorporates his views, tastes, value system, that is, he assimilates them without criticism and reflection. He also adopts a system of ideas about himself from his partner.

IN this case the partner plays the role of the Parent, whose relationship fills the empty shell. The tyranny of one's own Superego recedes before the newly incorporated image of the Internal Controller, which completely copies the partner.

Responsibility for one's life is completely transferred to the significant Other. Together with it, a person gives up his desires, goals, aspirations. The partner is used by him as a mother's womb: as a habitat, as a source of everything necessary, as a way to survive.

2. Love through the absorption of the partner's psychological territory, through the deprivation of his sovereignty.

In this case, the role of the Parent is played by the seeker of love and fulfillment. What should be the person who loves his child (that is, does what the person “possessing a loss” never received)? This image is made up of eclectic ideas about love and care, sometimes incompatible with each other.

The behavior of a person in this case is controlled by his own Superego with the help of shoulds and is satisfied only when the role of a controlling guardian is performed by him ideally.

Responsibility for the partner's life is fully assumed. own desires, goals, aspirations are realized only through the prism of their usefulness for a partner. The latter is controlled and led in the same way as they are done in relation to the child. Any independence of the partner is dangerous, because it can destroy the built I. In order to confirm this system of ideas about himself, the partner must justify the need for such control, upbringing and care with all his behavior, playing the role of a ward child.

3. Love through absolute possession and destruction of the psychological territory of the object of love. IN this option a person can act in two ways.

A. Wanting to fill his own I, he projects this desire onto a partner. And instead of striving to fill his own emptiness, he begins to fill the partner with his own ideas about his Ideal Self. But the structure of the partner's Self is busy. Therefore, it must be destroyed, devastated, so that it becomes possible to see a possible self in a partner. He can do it harshly and cruelly, or insidiously and manipulatively. This method can be an extreme expression of love through absorption, when the partner is not only absorbed, but also destroyed.

2. A person is no longer able to fill his own Self, or even try to create his Ideal Self in a partner. He is only able to destroy, that is, to do what was once done to him. And destroying, he experiences some satisfaction, since the destroyed personality of the partner clearly indicates that: firstly, he is not the only one who has experienced such suffering, secondly, he has power and, therefore, can control the environment, in- thirdly, destroying the partner, but at the same time keeping him near him, he gets an idea of ​​himself as a strong, independent and significant person, since the partner continues to obey him and demonstrate his humility and love.

The punishing Superego is too aggressive, so its critical “messages” are forced out of consciousness, and then redirected to the partner.

Responsibility for the partner's life is declared, but in fact it is not carried out: the partner is only used. On it, one's own ability to dominate, control, manage not only actions, but also feelings is tested daily. Love through reflection in a significant other.

4. The responsibility for their own well-being is shifted to the partner. He is prescribed a certain behavior that will ensure that the empty Self is filled with his love, his attitude. The Significant Other must show in every possible way that he is dealing with a person who meets the standards of the Ideal Self.

The partner is a mirror, which is constantly addressed with the question: “My light, mirror, tell me who in the world is sweeter, more beautiful and smarter than everyone else?” In fact, this “mirror” should, seeing an emptiness in front of it, reflect the portrait of the Ideal Self and at the same time accompany this reflection with words of love and actions that prove devotion. If the partner has ceased to serve as such a "mirror", then there are four options for further action.

1. A partner who does not behave in accordance with expectations (that is, does not inform the thirsty of love about his superiority, versatility and depth) may be left in search of a new "mirror";

2. The experience of a lack of “effort” of a partner stimulates either the search for several relationships developing simultaneously, or the constant change of partners who could take on the function of filling the empty Self;

3. On a partner who does not constantly fill the Self, suffering from evidence of its completeness and value, pressure increases through various manipulations. Appeal for pity, demonstration of helplessness, calls for justice, blackmail or direct pleas for love, assurances (very truthful) that without it constant attention and declarations of love, he will not be able to live.

4. Attempts are made to earn the love and attention of a partner at the cost of any sacrifice and humiliation.

Superego in this case is relatively loyal compared to other options. It is not so much punishing as dispassionately cold. There are fewer obligations in it, but there is a lot of poisonous criticality. It is filled with annihilating contempt, which can be saved only by drowning out the voice of the Superego with the admiration and signs of adoration of others.

In all the ways of interaction considered, love is a way to compensate for one’s own insufficiency, and the partner is an object that is designed to supplement this insufficiency to a holistic self. The task is impossible, since a sense of integrity can be sustainable only as a result of the development of intrapersonal resources. Otherwise, the need for confirmation of one's integrity and significance from other people becomes unsatisfactory.

It is insatiability that is hallmark codependent relationships. Every person feels the need for love, respect, significance, control. These needs are basic and allow you to survive. But normally, they can be saturated for a certain time or their satisfaction can be delayed without much harm. In the case of an empty “I”, the need for continuous saturation never dries up, since such an “I” is not able to maintain its structure on its own.

Without continuous nourishment with the help of significant Others, it immediately becomes empty again, which is reflected in a high degree of anxiety. That is why codependent people, no matter how they get themselves a sense of integrity, cannot experience loneliness - it is like death. Uncertainty in relationships is unbearable for them - they need guarantees that their "I" will be continuously supported. And yet they are never satisfied.

Codependent people have one more property common to them: they devalue the partner who truly loves them, or devalue his feeling. The course of their sophisticated logic can go in three directions.

1. This person says he loves me. But that can't be true, because you can't love me. So everything he does and says is just a lie. And his goal is to lull my vigilance and use me.

2. This person says that he loves me and it seems that he is telling the truth. But he is wrong. He loves not me, but the image that I created. Or he just didn't understand me. If he knew what I really am, he would turn away from me with contempt.

3. This person says that he loves me, and, apparently, he is telling the truth. But this only means that he is the same as me, an inferior person, unworthy of love. If he was "real", he could never love me, because I am truly good man cannot love.

Naturally, with such a perception of love towards oneself, such people are simply not able to experience satisfaction even from a true feeling.

Psychologist, specialist in family psychotherapy

PT: Iya Sergeevna, can you give me medical or (and) psychological definition codependent relationship?

Iya Sergeevna: In psychology, no precise definitions, all of them are conventional in nature (that is, we will call them as we agree). There is no single official definition for such a complex phenomenon as codependency. In psychiatry, it is also absent, since this problem is, in general, outside the sphere of its competence.

Therefore, I will list the main features of co-dependent relationships, or co-dependent behavior, which are distinguished by specialists dealing with this problem.

First, it is an excessive preoccupation with the life of another person, so much so that the codependent in to a large extent starts to neglect self-interest, problems; he is only interested in the circumstances of the partner's life (this may be a spouse, lover, but also a child, or a parent).

The second defining feature of codependence is the behavior of this very partner. It is necessarily unhealthy. Often he, in turn, has some kind of addiction. For example, alcohol, drugs, the game, any inappropriate actions (regularly committed), and so on.

Remember, Leo Tolstoy wrote that everything happy families happy equally, and all unhappy - in their own way? So, if the partner is healthy, not in the sense of the absence of illness as such, but in psychological understanding, i.e.: everything is fine with him, he lives full life, copes with difficulties, does not torment others, is more or less satisfied in basic needs, then it is unlikely that it will be possible to depend on him.

But if he is so unhappy all of himself that "no one understands him", and he is "forced", for example, to go into a binge, rowdy and further down the list, then here, as a rule, is " soul mate”, which will suffer and suffer with him, and sometimes even for him.

PT: Can it be considered emotional or sexual addiction from a person - codependency?

Iya Sergeevna: I think that it is impossible, because in this scenario, the partner can be anything, that is, there is no second sign of codependency. After all, the prefix "co-" just means that one depends together with the other.

So, in this case, we should talk about emotional or sexual (if possible to separate) dependence.

Although, of course, common features yes: this is the first of the above signs, that is, that very painful absorption.

PT: What types of codependent relationships do you encounter more often in your practice? I understand correctly that these are mostly parents of teenagers?

Iya Sergeevna: Obviously, you mean the typology by subjects, that is, which people are more likely to apply for codependence.

Yes, in my practice, child-parent pairs or triads were more common. Less often - matrimonial. I don't know if it reflects some general trends, for this you need to have statistics, and in our country, as far as I know, there are currently such large-scale scientific research not carried out.

But it's not just teenagers. Sometimes there are quite adult people whose parents worry about them and want to cure them.

But I will not say that relatives of addicts turn to me en masse, no, rather these are some individual cases. It seems to me that with such problems, basically, it is customary for us to go to medical authorities.

PT: If yes, why do you think couples apply less often? I mean the wives of alcoholics, drug addicts and gamers?

Iya Sergeevna: As I said, I don’t have statistics, so I can’t say whether this happens less often or more often with other colleagues.

However, based on my experience and knowledge, I can assume that currently marital relations, probably still have less value in the eyes of people. After all, there is a relatively simple way out - divorce, and I think people use it quite often. Quite a few important role emancipation played here: agree, modern woman, in most cases, is able to support not only herself, but also children. However, exceptions different kind enough here too.

As for the child-parent relationship, then, as noted family psychologists, our modern culture is child-centric. That is, children in our society cause much more attention and empathy than adults. And this can be clearly seen in popular culture: take advertising, films, series. It is broadcast everywhere that the role of a mother is immeasurably more important than the role of a wife. That a spouse can be changed, and a child is sacred (I state this without evaluation).

In my opinion, this is reinforced by the fact that parent-child relationship V modern world much more definite than marriage. talking plain language They make it clear who should do what. The parent - to take care, the child - to take this care. And, if you face the truth, in our time the number of families consisting of only one parent and children (child) is almost greater than those where both spouses are present.

PT: It has been observed that the daughters of alcoholics often choose alcoholics as husbands. Not consciously, maybe even the husband did not drink right away. If you look in this perspective - does not the co-dependent wife herself, the co-dependent wife, provoke her husband's addiction with some kind of unconscious behavior?

Iya Sergeevna: Yes, there is such an observation, it is confirmed by numerous cases.

I would not talk about provocation here, because for me it sounds like some kind of accusation against a woman. And systemic family therapy postulates that the contribution of partners to the relationship is equivalent, although it can manifest itself in a very different form.

And the interaction itself is considered not as linear (stimulus-response), but as cyclic, i.e. it is important not “who started it first”, but how people’s actions form relationships and how these relationships, in turn, affect their future deeds.

Rather, I would be talking here about the usual patterns of family relationships that are reproduced in subsequent generations. After all, these people found each other, probably not by chance. Something attracted them to each other in the beginning. Quite often we are looking for partners parent images. As you correctly noted, at an unconscious level.

PT: Does the healing process involve working with both parties?

Iya Sergeevna: There is some inaccuracy in your question. Psychologists do not treat, doctors do it. Rather, we help people rebuild their lives so that they suffer less.

PT: If so, what if an addicted family member refuses to be treated?

Iya Sergeevna: Well, as we have already said, with an amendment: not to be treated, but to participate in the process of psychotherapy.

This is a very important question. And one of the hardest.

If we're talking about initial stage, when it became clear that there is a problem - do not wait until the dependent family member "deigns", but contact the specialist yourself.

But the fact is that this recommendation is not always feasible. And it may not be ethical in all cases. Often a person needs time to accept what is happening, to accept his powerlessness (and this is one of the most difficult feelings), to survive the loss (in a sense) loved one and let him go to a separate life.

However, I repeat that everything is very individual, and not in every case such a recommendation is appropriate. Sometimes all you can do is share a person's grief.

PT: What is it like working with a codependent and dependent family member?

Iya Sergeevna: With a co-addict, as I said, this is work for them to accept the idea of ​​“separation” of another person, their “non-powerfulness”, the restoration of their identity, the search for other meanings, outside of this other person.

In general, this may be enough to heal the entire system, since relationships affect people, and they inevitably become different as a result of therapy.

And then, when in this new system the addict will become uncomfortable to continue his behavior, he may have an incentive to turn to a specialist on his own. There may be many varied work, but we start, as a rule, with motivation. The main question is: "What do you want?" Not your mother, wife or teacher Marivanna, but yourself? And how does your behavior help or hinder you from achieving this?

You are of course right that working with a co-addict is often just as important as working with the addict.

PT: Approximately how long does it take to resolve the issue?

Iya Sergeevna: Also very complex issue because everything is individual, and there are too many factors involved.

And then, what is considered a solution to the problem? If this is the deliverance of the wife from her alcoholic husband, then an hour may be enough to decide on a divorce (if, for example, she is already tired of him enough). And if we have a request for "growing" adult personality from infantile, it can take years.

PT: What kinds psychological help most efficient?

Iya Sergeevna: The question of the comparative effectiveness of psychotherapy methods is one of the most discussed in our professional environment.

A lot of research has been carried out in this area, but unified and legitimate criteria have not yet been developed.

Recently, I came across a curious article where, on the basis of experimental data, it was proved that it is not so much the methods that are important as the personality of the psychologist. I tend to agree with this. And yet, in my opinion, the compatibility of a particular psychologist and a particular client plays an important role. Necessary condition successful healing is their fairly stable alliance, and its formation is influenced various factors, and not all of them depend on the specialist.

PT: How effective is hypnosis?

Iya Sergeevna: Hypnosis, as one of the suggestive methods, was popular in Europe in pre-Freudian times, and in the Soviet Union until the 90s of the last century.

Today, the fashion for it has passed. Of course, there are certainly colleagues who successfully practice this method even now, but, again, its effectiveness greatly depends on whose hands it is in. Here, perhaps, an analogy with a surgeon and a scalpel would be appropriate - what affects the outcome of the operation more?

In any case, the fact that hypnosis is not a panacea, I think, is obvious.

PT: If psychological work was successful, should I be afraid of relapse? What to do for prevention?

Iya Sergeevna: If it was successful, then it’s not worth it. And if relapses occurred, then it was unsuccessful.

But in general, as a rule, those discoveries or insights that a person achieves in the process of psychotherapy *, they do not disappear anywhere. Unless a person suffers from memory loss, they will remain with him and will no longer allow him to lead his former way of life.

For the purpose of prevention - to live consciously, understanding your goals and your limitations, not to waste energy on something that does not bring results, for example, on trying to manage the life of another person.

Iya Sergeevna: I basically already answered this question above. If you can not cope with this on your own, then the help of a psychologist is a good way out.

*Note: in this text, psychotherapy refers to non-drug therapy, i.e. work with a psychologist.

As you know, one of the main professional duties school teachers- interaction with parents of students on a variety of issues: academic performance, discipline, organizational topics. When baby goes to school, to long years the relationship is established not only "teacher-student", but also "teacher-parent". However, a teacher with parents, as many of us know from own experience, develops differently. Whether a two-way, useful for both parties contact will be established and whether these people will be able to help the child, if necessary, depends on many factors, and one of them is the presence or absence of co-dependence of both the student's parents and the teacher himself.

What is codependency

Codependency is a phenomenon that was first considered as the presence of certain stereotypes of behavior in the wives of alcoholics, but over time it was noticed that other family members also have this set of stereotypes, and not only in the case of alcohol addiction. Often the cause of codependency is the presence of another dysfunction in the family, for example, a violation of emotional bonds, the presence of unhealthy, inflexible, inhuman rules. A large part of codependents are people with childhood traumas (emotional, physical, sexual), which they could receive not necessarily in the family, but from important people: teachers, friends, society.

Codependency is already a fairly well-studied psychological phenomenon. Many call it a psychological illness. Like any disease, codependency has its own characteristics and signs.

Codependency features include:

• control (a codependent person always controls the desires, thoughts, behavior of another person),
• mistrust,
• anxiety,
• obsessive thoughts,
• negative thinking,
• impatience,
• difficulty in making a decision
• inability to establish healthy boundaries with other people,
• taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others while not realizing their own needs.

It is believed that main signs of addiction are four:

1. "Frozen" feelings. A co-dependent person is not only unable to express, to openly show his own, but also does not know how to recognize his feelings, often cannot answer the question: “What do you feel now?” - or, answering this question, says "everything is fine" or "I don't know."

2. Negation. Psychological protection It has different manifestations, however, in the case of codependence, denial is mainly manifested either in downplaying the problems, or in not recognizing them in oneself.

3. Compulsive behavior. Recurring compulsive behavior at random intervals. It can be expressed in overeating, uncontrolled shopping, obsession with cleanliness, etc. In other words, compulsiveness is expressed in the inability to stop one's own unwanted behavior. For example: co-dependents often say that they didn’t want to swear, scream, scandal, it started somehow on its own, even though the question sounded inside: “What am I doing? We have to stop."

4. Low self-esteem.

Self-image

Since there is a lot of talk about self-esteem in society today, and often ideas about this concept do not correspond to reality (and this is very important for understanding the essence of codependency), I would like to dwell on this in a little more detail.

Self-esteem- this is a subjective idea of ​​the individual about himself, bearing the imprint of originality inner peace, own value. Virginia Satir said: “A person whose self-esteem is high feels important and necessary to improve the world of people in which he exists, he trusts himself, in Hard time he always has the opportunity to make an independent decision, but at the same time he is ready to ask, accept the help of other people. Such a person creates an atmosphere of honesty, responsibility, compassion and love around him, because only by feeling his high value, a person is able to see, accept and respect the high value of other people.

One of the definitions of codependence is closely related to the concept of self-esteem: codependency is a stable state of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on the opinions of other people, which is formed when a person tries to gain self-confidence, to define himself as a person. We can say that codependence is the same addiction, and the self-esteem of an addicted person is extremely low. The codependent person often lives in fear and shame that are associated with the behavior of another significant other. And this forms in addition to those already listed the following signs codependencies:

• fear of the future
• being too harsh on yourself
• desire always no matter what other people like it,
• inability and inability to relax, have fun, rest,
• guilt,
• feeling of loneliness, abandonment, uselessness,
• inability to complete what has been started, postponing for later,
• vulnerability,
• deceit (deceit and concealment of the truth, preservation family secrets),
• inability, despite a desperate desire for intimacy, to build close relationships.

A person who has a similar set of psychological breakdowns lives in depression and lack of freedom, has problems perceiving reality, and, consequently, difficulties in communication.

Always wear a mask...

Above, we touched on the topic of the origin of codependency. One of the factors influencing its appearance is the presence of unhealthy, inflexible, inhuman rules in the family.

Some researchers consider this factor to be fundamental. In this case, codependency is seen as an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of the fact that a person long time exposed to suppressive rules, rules that prevent the open expression of feelings, as well as the open discussion of intrapersonal and interpersonal problems. There are several types of manifestations of codependence, they act as masks, being a protection from the outside world. Eat different types co-dependencies, which are manifested in family roles both in children and adults. For example, in a family often a wife drinking man plays the role of a peacemaker, taking on all the difficulties family life, hides problems, establishes peace at any cost, without clarifying the situation. And thus, no matter how strange it may seem, she supports the dependence of her loved one.

next type codependency is called a drinking buddy. The very name of this type speaks of involvement in the joint consumption of certain drinks. Sometimes they begin to consume not only alcohol, but also drugs together, or participate in games, etc. In the case of alcohol, this can happen in order for the addict to drink less, in the case of drugs, in order to understand the state of the addict, and of course, sharing provides a temporary sense of closeness, which is what codependents are desperately looking for. Very often, in such cases, the codependent goes into the stage of dependence.

Unable to build mature relationship with a spouse, codependents often transfer the desire for intimacy to children. Co-dependent parents speak for their children, think they know what their children are thinking, believe they can control the child's feelings and desires, unable to accept that the child may have completely different feelings, thoughts and desires.

Victim, persecutor, rescuer...

There may be other manifestations of codependency in the family. However, in society, three types are mainly indicative. One way or another, the life of a codependent begins to obey certain patterns of the disease. One of these patterns is known as Drama Triangle by S. Karpman ". The essence of this concept lies in the fact that the co-dependent does not remain within the same type for long, but moves in a circle: the victim - the pursuer - the rescuer.

1. Victim. Codependent-victim behaves whiny. These people believe that they carry the cross in life, everything that happens to them is given to them as a punishment. They agree with many things, but this does not mean at all that they will act according to an agreement. Often they see the situation much worse than it really is, and they can also perceive the words and recommendations of the teacher.

2. Pursuer. The opposite of sacrifice. The stalker experiences that anger and bitterness that the victim does not allow himself to feel. Parents in a stalker mask all the time blame other people for their problems, often looking for and finding those to blame. The school is often the culprit. Sometimes they cannot throw out their emotions directly on the interlocutor-teacher, then they break down on the child, punish him, often more severely than the offense deserves, if it ever took place.

3. Rescuer. He does not just offer himself and his services, but literally begins to act for the other, to do what the other can do for himself. After a while, this behavior is rebuffed and ... the codependent returns to the state of the victim. A person cannot be in the role of a “victim” all the time, since a feeling of resentment for not accepting his efforts as a rescuer begins to give rise to anger, and this is already a transition to the role of a persecutor.

There is another type of codependency called "apathetic codependency". In the opinion of psychologists working with codependents, any person who is on last stage codependency. This state of already quite dangerous indifference. The difficulty lies in the fact that, being in an apathetic state, a person does not want to change anything - even in better side.

Interaction with parents

So, let's consider the difficulties that may arise in the interaction of a parent with a teacher in the presence of codependency in a parent.

Even if the teacher has no complaints about the child, the co-dependent parent, when meeting with the teacher, experiences fear, uncertainty, and only because of these feelings makes it difficult to make contact, listens and does not hear. Or he takes everything he is told as an accusation.

Often there are problems with violation of psychological boundaries. Some parents believe that the teacher should be available at any time of the day or night for any, even a minor issue. And when they don't get it, they get offended or blamed.

I know cases when parents of students tried to literally get into the personal life of a teacher, explaining this with their desire to help. Having received a refusal, they took it as a rejection, were offended and began to literally persecute the teacher, looking for the slightest mistakes and mistakes in his work, wrote complaints, and then came with tears and apologies. And I must say, maybe this is not the worst option when they admit their mistakes and apologize. Unfortunately, often a codependent parent with extremely low self-esteem simply cannot accept and admit that they are wrong openly.

Of course, each codependent has the closest and most often manifested type of codependency. As we have already said, types of codependency are masks, and it can be very difficult for a teacher to break through this closeness. And everything that the teacher says can be refracted in the mind of a co-dependent parent. It is for these reasons that confusion or even conflicts can arise between the teacher and the parent.

When communicating with co-dependent parents, it is especially important to pay attention to the first contact. At the first meeting, it is necessary to give the parent an opportunity to talk about their child, to show their pedagogical interest in the child. If the first contact with the parents occurred due to the misconduct of the child, it is unacceptable to immediately talk about negative aspects student behavior. It is important for the teacher to gain the trust of parents.

Co-dependent parents are often not ready for honest, open contact. Unfortunately, sometimes all the efforts of the teacher to build contact can be in vain. The teacher feels this, worries, looks for the problem in himself, and the problem may lie in what is happening now with the second parent. And, for example, if the second parent is in the active phase of alcohol consumption, then only small part what the educator says can be learned by the codependent parent.

Since the codependent has low self-esteem, he unconsciously tries to assert himself at the expense of the child. This is another difficulty. Parents are overly active, they want their child to achieve as much success as possible, they put excessive pressure on the child. And they demand from the teacher a special attitude towards their child.

It is important to remember that, having a very close relationship with their child, a codependent perceives much as criticism of himself as an unsuccessful parent. For the constructive building of the “teacher-parent” relationship, it is necessary and correct that the teacher, at a personal meeting or at a parent meeting, must find words of praise and support for each child.

How to minimize complexity

Knowing the features of the manifestation of co-dependence in the parents of schoolchildren and taking them into account, it is possible to anticipate and minimize some of the difficulties.

When communicating with lifeguard parent very clear boundaries of communication must be established immediately. The rescuer at the beginning of communication is ready to assist the teacher, psychologist and consult on any occasion. The help of parents, of course, is very necessary, but if the boundaries of communication are not immediately clearly marked, then after a while the rescuer may, without noticing it, begin to teach the teacher, give advice on how and what to do, call the worker or, conversely, V personal time, and if he does not receive an answer to his call, he may even make a complaint: “Why didn’t you call me back?” Thus, as we understand it, the rescuer begins to become the persecutor. Therefore, clear boundaries - saying the time when you can call, at what time a meeting at school is possible, on what questions to which teacher to contact - this is a guarantee healthy communication.

Victim Parent may make such a request: “May I not come to Parent meeting still nothing good will come of it. You tell me so in a personal conversation. Here the main recommendation is not to make exceptions and involve the parent in public life class.

Persecutor Parent immediately becomes very assertive. At the first meeting, it can almost arrange an exam for the teacher, it can begin to criticize, even if there is nothing else to criticize. The persecutor often draws the teacher into an argument. And this is one of the tasks - to avoid disputes and excuses in communication with a persecuting parent. It would be good to ask the parent to state their suggestions or criticisms briefly, in writing. Often this cools the persecutor, but if he expresses his thoughts and proposals in writing, then these can be constructive proposals, and then this can become the subject of joint work.

For successful work with children and parents, it is very important that the teacher can track the presence of signs of codependence in himself and, if necessary, receive help and support. Since pedagogy belongs to the field of helping professions, the risk of codependency among teachers is quite high.

Vaike RAZINKOVA psychologist, Moscow