Have you ever been told that you are obsessive or clingy? Have you ever been so excited about a new relationship or friendship that you pester the person for attention and in return they simply pull away from you? Have you noticed that you want to call, write an SMS or write a letter to someone much more often than he does in response? If so, you've probably already discovered that obsessiveness is a turn-off for most people. In this article, you'll learn how to find the source of your obsession and become confident enough to mitigate it.

Steps

Find balance

Slow down. All relationships develop at their own pace, so there is no need to strive to become " kindred spirits" or " best friends forever" just because everything is going great. Cherish the newness of it all and the excitement of something new, because that feeling of newness will not happen again. You may be nervous because you don't know how the relationship will unfold, but... it's so interesting! Be patient and learn to enjoy this excitement. Don't try to push the relationship further than it is ready to go, otherwise all the joy will disappear and stress will arise.

• If you had a wonderful Friday night, you'll probably want to do it again as soon as possible. But instead of calling a friend on Saturday morning to make new plans, wait a few days. Relish the fun time you had and let your friend enjoy the memories too. When it's time to hang out again, you'll both be looking forward to seeing each other, making your time together even more enjoyable.

1. Take off your rose-colored glasses. Part of the reason we become overly infatuated with someone is our tendency to idealize the other person early in a relationship. When you first meet someone you've formed a connection with, it's very easy to get caught up in fantasies about how great your friendship or relationship could be. However, these fantasies lead to high expectations, which are sometimes unrealistic! Right now you are thinking that you want to spend all your time with this person, but by doing so you are only setting yourself up for disappointment in the future.

   • Constantly remind yourself that new person in your life - this is just a person, that is, not ideal. He will make mistakes and you need to be willing to deal with that and forgive rather than be shocked that the person is not capable of being perfect.

2. Practice quid pro quo (a Latin phrase meaning “this for that,” a quid pro quo). Imagine that your interaction with a person is a tennis or volleyball match. Every time you initiate contact, you throw the ball to the opposite side of the court. Then you wait for him to return. You don't have to throw a bunch of balls to make sure he/she still wants to play. If you're in the role of someone in need, you're probably nervous while you wait. When this happens, take a deep breath. If you have already contacted someone (sent a message via e-mail or SMS or called and left a voice message), you don’t need to do it again. As much as you might want to contact him again, keep in mind that there are only a few options in this situation:

   • The person has not yet received the message.
   • He was too busy to answer you. If you trust this person, do not immediately blame him, but assume that this is exactly the case.
   • He's not interested in talking right now.

3. Don't push or choke. No matter how close you are to a person, if you spend all your time with them, it will become overwhelming. Even if a person loves you, he does not want to be with you every second, day and night. If you find it difficult to be away from someone for even a few minutes, it will eventually cost you big problem. Although it may be very difficult, force yourself to step back and give the person some space. Spend a few days away from him, do things that you enjoy, and don't demand contact for a while. Your relationship will definitely improve because, as he rightly says old proverb, “love grows stronger in absence.”

   Notice the signs that the person is no longer interested. This happens for many reasons, but one thing is true - showering a person with attention will not change his attitude. Perseverance is not the answer! Ignoring you may be a person's way of avoiding communication without direct confrontation. Pushing on your part won't change how they feel, and deep down you know that. If a person does not deign to answer you, you should not waste time on him. You deserve better treatment.

   • Consider whether the person behaves changeably. Some people are simply unable to maintain friendships or relationships, and are sometimes lazy or forgetful. Although most often a person does not show responsibility not because he forgot to call you back, but because he decided so.
   • Maybe the person just needs a little time to focus on other things for a while. This doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship.

4. Respect other people's wishes. If a person ignores you or has become cold towards you, you feel rejected - yes, it really is rejection, and it really hurts. But if a person has decided that it is time to move on, there is nothing you can do to force things. Do your best to get through this phase yourself, and resist the urge to be pushy. If you lash out at the person or try to hurt them in return, this will only increase the distance between you.

   Notice if your needs are being met. If the person you're thinking about isn't rejecting you outright, but is acting untrustworthy or pretending, consider whether you really want this person in your life. Just because you want to spend time with your friend or significant other does not make you obsessive. Maintaining a relationship takes time and effort. If a person makes you feel like you're asking for too much, but you know you're not being too pushy, it may mean that the problem is not you, but the other person.

   • Decide how much time and attention you are willing to give to the relationship, and figure out how much you expect in return. If your expectations are reasonable, but you constantly feel disappointed and neglected, maybe it's time to find a new friend or lover who will make you feel valued and loved.
   • Relationships are not easy to balance—it often feels like one person is putting in more effort than the other. There are times when one person is busy, and the other writes and calls more. However, if this situation is persistent in your relationship and you don't think it will change, end the relationship before it damages your self-esteem.

   Increased confidence

   1. Keep yourself busy with other things. Busy people simply don't have time to be intrusive; they are always preoccupied with other things, and guess what? All these "other things" often make you more interesting friend or partner for romantic relationships. If you can't find best activity Rather than wait for someone to call or text you back, chances are you're bored (and you know what they say - if you're bored, you're boring). What are you waiting for?

      • Become a volunteer. Learn to dance. Start jogging. Master painting oil paints. Join the club. Do it all, express yourself and have fun! All your worries will go away, and when this person gets in touch, it will be a pleasant surprise, not crazy relief!

   2. Communicate with other people periodically. Centering your life around one person is not good for your mental health and self-esteem. Invite other people into your group instead of putting all your energy into one person! Get a few people together and go to a movie or dinner instead of spending the whole time worrying about volume person. Enjoy communicating with different personalities that fill your life - you have enough for more than one friend.

   3. Remember that it's okay to be alone. Many people do not date anyone and still enjoy life to the fullest. They have freedom and fun, and in many cases they are just as happy as the people in the relationship. The deeper truth is that relationships are a want, not a need. The problem comes when you turn them into a need and start to believe that you won't survive without them.

      • Do this exercise: when intrusive thought comes to mind, repeat the mantra. Says: “I am strong,” or “I have everything I need.” Repeat mentally anything that helps you feel like a complete person who doesn't need someone else to live.
      • It also helps to listen to music and watch films about freedom and strength of spirit.

   4. Work on your self-esteem. Most likely, if you struggle with compulsion, you have problems with self-esteem. You may be looking for someone to make you feel better, but the truth is that you... only person, which can actually do it. Don't base your happiness on another person. Of course, it's good that someone makes you happy, but if that person is the only source of your happiness, you will be angry and sad when they are not around, and this can be quite difficult for a person! He will feel guilty, obligated to you and, ultimately, resentful of you.

      • The only way to get rid of obsessiveness is to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone by doing things on your own, spending time alone for a long time, until you feel confident. Act like you want to have a friend or loved one, but definitely not need in that.
      • Don't look for a new relationship until you're sure you won't repeat your old behavior patterns.

   5. Learn to trust. Once you understand yourself, you can deal with any problem in your relationships with other people. Clinginess is often associated with a lack of trust and sometimes with feelings of rejection. When you find yourself questioning someone's feelings towards you or someone's loyalty, ask yourself why you don't trust them. Is it because he did something questionable? Or because someone hurt you in the past and now you expect this new person to behave the same way?

      • If the last statement is true, remind yourself that it's not fair to judge someone based on the actions of a completely different person, right?
      • If you truly care about this person, then he has earned your trust, give it to him.
   6. Give the person their own space, respect personal boundaries.
   7. Step away for a while and mind your own business. Be a busy person.
   8. Do whatever brings you joy and happiness. Don't spend too much time alone. Get out of the house and spend the evening with friends. The more interests and hobbies you have, the more attractive you will become!
   9. Appreciate yourself!
   10. First, you must learn to be alone while feeling comfortable. Then your time will become more valuable to you, and you will be able to look at the relationship more objectively.
   11. Excessive intrusiveness can only cause rejection. This will lower your self-esteem, deepening your feelings of loneliness.
   12. If you love the person you are in a relationship with, show it to him easily and unobtrusively, do not put pressure on him, otherwise he may push you away.
   13. Love yourself
   14. Aggressive stance on early stages very repulsive. Learn to behave in moderation and start with small steps.
   15. Obsessiveness wastes your precious time. Learn self-control. You can.
   16. Realize that some people are just not very nice. It's not about you, it's about them. Find new friends.
   17. The love of your life will be knocking on your door sooner than you think. Just be patient and optimistic.

   Warnings

   • Needing others can become a vicious cycle. You seek attention, the person gets scared and pushes you away, you feel worse and start new circle with even greater obsession. Realize this and change your behavior.
   • If you are impatient, you start thinking about things that don't really exist. Stay calm and try to focus on what you love.
   • The need for a relationship can lead to depression, and we all know that depression has extremely negative side effects, That's why best way out- this is to start new hobbies in order to shift the focus to them.

First meetings and dates, light flirting - what could be more exciting and enjoyable? The beginning of a romantic relationship is always associated with excitement and doubts. Many women are ready if a man doesn’t call for more than a day. Should I call and text first? How to remind a man about yourself and not scare him away?

Interest or obsession?

Times when it was believed that decent girls not starting conversations with guys first is a thing of the past. Modern ladies are not shy about taking initiative. Such a desire is commendable, but do not forget that everything is good in moderation. Any man enjoys interest from the opposite sex. On the other hand, too much attention can be tiring. The main rule: if you decide to write or call first, limit yourself to one call/message and wait for an answer. Many women, when seriously attracted to a man, literally lose their heads. After writing a message, they do not let go of the phone, waiting for the recipient’s reaction. If there is no response within half an hour, the hands themselves begin to type the next message. Of course this is not The best way How to remind a man about yourself. Just imagine how stupid you will look sending a dozen messages or a hundred calls on a phone that the man of your dreams simply forgot to take with him.

The most unobtrusive way to remind yourself

In our age high technology Almost every person has a personal page on a social network. And this great way communication. To find a real acquaintance in the virtual space, it is enough to know his first and last name, as well as his city of residence. Modern communication allows you to add new acquaintances to your contact list literally on the day of your first meeting. How to remind a man about yourself with social networks, what should I write to him? Most unobtrusive way- put “likes” or ratings on photos. You can comment on a photo or video. Alternative option- have a personal conversation. Start with some neutral question. If possible, avoid completely banal phrases: “How are you?”, “What are you doing?” Better ask: “How are you feeling?” or “How is your weekend going?” In fact, your goal is to directly start a conversation. By its development you can judge how interested your interlocutor is in you.

The art of SMS communication

Many people prefer to communicate by letter than to talk out loud. Indeed, there are advantages to messages before calls. You can weigh every word, and you don’t risk saying anything unnecessary. How to unobtrusively remind a man about yourself: SMS, MMS - what to choose? It is appropriate to send photos only to a man with whom you know each other well. Short messages SMS is suitable way to communicate with any acquaintance of the opposite sex. What to write? The best option- neutral-positive messages. You can give a man a compliment or invite him to meet. Most importantly, never send repeated messages without waiting for a response. Try to avoid quarrels and showdowns via SMS. If you have any questions or complaints, please make an appointment.

Photo postcard - a reminder of yourself to your loved one

In this age of high technology, there are many ways to send an image. Use MMS messages or personal email. The man you are with love relationships, you can send your photo with an intriguing or cute note. If you want to attract the attention of a friend or member of the opposite sex with whom you are just beginning a romance, it is better to choose a more neutral reminder. Share a photo news, take a photo and send something unusual, unique or simply beautiful. Let it be a picturesque landscape, a new city landmark, or a photo from some interesting event. If a man is interested in communicating with you, he will probably eagerly support the proposed topic or at least give you a couple of compliments.

how via SMS?

Traditionally, a pickup truck is called a men's secret tricks to seduce women. But why not the fair sex Don't have your own technique for conquering guys? Most men are quite curious. Do you want to gain attention? Send the object of your affection an intriguing message. Great options: “You surprised me!”, “They told me this about you...” or “I didn’t expect this from you.” Don’t be lazy to come up with a legend in advance about what exactly they told you.

The guy you like doesn't call for several days? How to remind a man about yourself? You can send an SMS to his number, pretending that you made a mistake. You can write something frank and seductive. The alternative is to send something rude. Send a “random” SMS and forget about it. If the recipient is at least somewhat interested in communicating with you, he will definitely want to clarify the situation very soon. Don't forget to act surprised when you hear a call or receive an SMS response.

Share the news with your loved ones!

Universal reminders and reasons for meetings

Are you going on a date and are afraid that it will be your last? There is one effective method, helping to avoid such developments. Leave the man a “memory souvenir”; in other words, forget something from him. The item must be valuable enough so that it does not immediately end up in the trash bin and be new reason for meeting. You can “forget” something from your clothes - gloves or a scarf, a business card holder, jewelry or cosmetics. Try to leave your reminder where it will look most natural and will only be discovered after the breakup. In a car, theoretically, any item can fall out of a handbag. If you are visiting, accidentally leaving cosmetics near the mirror is also a completely banal occurrence. You can organize your next meeting by borrowing something from the man himself. Ask to read a book or transfer some files to a portable storage device. By exchanging any things, you will always have an excuse to meet. And you no longer have to think about how to unobtrusively remind a man about yourself.

Make him promise

Any man wants to be a real hero in the eyes of a representative of the opposite sex. That is why all the guys are ready to instantly fulfill any requests of lovely ladies. Think about what the young man you are interested in can do for you. Maybe it's time to fix the outlet or help carry heavy bags? Choose a task that he can definitely handle. Is it worth reminding a man about yourself if he promised to help you, and then disappeared somewhere? The situation is complex, but it is always better to check why this happened. Don’t be lazy to call and delicately ask whether it’s worth waiting for promises to be fulfilled. If you get a refusal, don't even think about persuading or asking again. Remember that the object of your affection could always really just forget about what he promised. And a reminder in this case will be more than appropriate.

Random encounters are not accidental

One of the most effective ways make a man think about himself - regularly “accidentally” catch his eye. Try to find out as much as possible about him and use the information you receive. Visit his favorite cafe from time to time, you can unobtrusively show up near your chosen one’s place of work. Women often say to themselves: “I want to remind the man of my dreams about myself,” and are reckless in their desire. If you decide to use the method of “random” meetings, it is important not to abuse their regularity. In addition, you should always have an answer to the question of what brought you to this place.

How to remind a man about himself: mystical ways

Some ladies claim that they have achieved the attention of the gentleman they like using magical means. Before deciding on any mystical manipulations, try to confirm your desire. Only if you are confident in the depth own feelings you can start taking action. Every day before going to bed, concentrate your thoughts on your chosen one. Remember all the most best moments spent together, and without hesitation dream about new meetings. To establish energy connection Put a photo of your loved one in your room. It is advisable that this is a recently taken portrait. Look at it and imagine a future together. Remember: the photograph used in this ritual should not be touched with your hands. It is advisable not to be seen strangers. Does a man need to remind himself of himself? magical ways- this is a personal question. In love, as in war, all means are fair, so why not try?

For many girls, a man is not a new acquaintance or just an interesting person, but a walking solution to all problems - from material to everyday ones. You’ve barely met, and you’ve already figured out how much he can give you: married friends they will no longer terrorize you with questions, your parents will be indescribably delighted, the kitchen faucet will not leak, and it will become easier to repay the loan. Of course, we are not necessarily talking about pure pragmatism: perhaps a new novel promises you an imaginary deliverance from your complexes, because many girls believe that the only proof of their attractiveness and femininity is the presence of a boyfriend.

Where it leads

The reason for your obsession is that he is your arch-principal. After all, a new life is at stake, which becomes real only with the appearance of a man in your house.

All thoughts and actions begin to revolve around him, and he behaves passively. After all, for him you are just an interesting acquaintance, an object of love, and not a complete deliverance from life’s troubles.

Popular

Separate the proverbial flies from the cutlets: a man is one thing, but problems are another. And only those women who know how to solve their difficulties themselves are rewarded true love without unnecessary impurities.

Rejection of your life

Often we become fixated on a man because we do not live fully. “Leaving” for love is easier than solving personal problems, of which there are a great many. A man can become an alternative for you to creative self-realization (“I didn’t succeed in my profession, so I need to get married”). For many young girls, marriage is a way to leave their parental home, where they have not had the most peaceful relationship with mom and dad.

Love for us is a kind of medicine with a placebo effect. Having accepted it, we forget about difficulties, because we are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions that overshadows negative feelings.

The result is like with alcohol: problems do not go away, but new ones arise - a man, as a rule, refuses to take on the role of a “switch”.

Where it leads

You live from call to call, from meeting to meeting. You are offended that he can calmly eat, drink and work without thinking about you every moment. In order not to turn into an obsessive fan for him, start solving your problems. Confident girls are more often noticed.

The unpredictability of love

You are a strong personality, and many things in life are under your control. For example, the amount of money in your account depends on your actions; in everyday life you can only rely on yourself. But in love this law does not work - it is connected with the will of another person, which you cannot control. You are not able to make a man act according to your scenario.

But for some reason you don’t accept this reality. It seems that the more energy you spend and actions you take, the more successful your personal life will be - as if we were talking about a major business project.

Many people suffer due to lack of have a nice chat other people. Often a person explains it to himself this way: “I’m afraid to call my friends, invite them somewhere, because I’m afraid that they will consider me intrusive.” Or this: “I don’t take the initiative, I don’t say what I want, because I’m afraid of being intrusive.”

But let's learn to distinguish between ordinary friendly interest or an ordinary request / offer from obsession! It is very important! After all, understanding this difference will help us to please people and get what we want from life.

What does it mean to impose yourself on a person?

Imagine: sitting at home, having a cup of tea, it’s frosty outside... and suddenly your phone rings. This is your friend Sasha. You pick up the phone and hear:

- It's a pity... are you okay?

- Yes, thank you, everything is fine, I just don’t feel very good.

- Oh, okay... okay, get well, we'll be in touch.

- Thank you, have a nice day!

How do you feel about Sasha after such a dialogue? Did you feel like he was forcing himself on you?

Now compare the previous dialogue with the following:

- Hello! Congratulations on the beginning of winter! I'm going to go skating, would you like to join me?

- Hello, Sash. Thank you, happy start of winter to you too... No, thank you, I don’t want to go to the skating rink, I’m not in the mood.

- Oh, come on... Let's go for a ride, your mood will immediately improve!

- Sash, I’m sorry, I’ll still refuse.

- Well, why are you just going limp... let's go for a ride, chat, I'll treat you to a beer (ice cream, coffee...)... We haven't seen each other for a whole week!

- No, let's do it another time.

How do you feel after this dialogue? Strained? Want to end the conversation quickly? In a word, the sensations from the first dialogue and from the second are RADICALLY different. I hope you were able to feel this difference (if not, re-read both dialogues again).

We impose ourselves on a person if and only then when we refuse to accept his refusal, when we try to convince him. If we simply offer something to a person (meet, go on a picnic, etc.), or ask him for help and at the same time are ready to accept any of his decisions, this will never be perceived as an imposition...

Let's take it a step further...

What does a person who says “I don’t like imposing on people” really think and feel?

In fact, this person does not want to hear “no” from other people. It is the fear of rejection that is usually hidden behind the excuse “I just don’t want to impose myself on people.”

After all, you and I have just specific example found out what imposition is. Don't want to intrude? Great! Just agree with whatever the person decides.

But as a rule, this rule does not help many people become more open and proactive... Because their biggest fear is that they will be refused.

Just think about it! the fear of rejection makes people sit at home, alone, instead of having fun with friends and living a busy life. Fear of rejection prevents you from asking for help when you really need it! People prefer to solve their problems on their own. Simply because they are afraid to hear “no” in response to a call for help.

But this stupid fear of rejection can be eliminated. Just like other social fears.

Just imagine what your life would be like if you were not driven by the fear of hearing no.

Since I myself used to suffer from a fear of people (including the fear of hearing “no”), I created a FREE newsletter in which I give people working techniques to overcome their fear of people. These techniques have helped not only me, but also thousands of my subscribers.

Just enter your name and email into the form located at the very top right of this page, and you will receive exercises that cut social fears at the very root.