I think there are several reasons why your support methods don't work. I will tell you about them. I stepped on all these rakes myself. As a result, it turns out that there is a very simple principles worth following. We will talk about strong feelings and about everyday support. As a result, you will learn to support even people you barely know with just a few phrases.

Why is this important, why even understand how to support a person in difficult times?

It's just that if you manage to help for real, the person will remember you as a true friend. I can give two very striking examples for me. Although from the outside they may seem very simple.

I have a friend who can be called at three in the morning. With any garbage (sorry, you can’t say otherwise). Horrible dream, bad news, broken heart, nervous about something. You can just pick up and call. And it's mutual. No, we first write SMS:“Can I call now?”and then having received an unambiguous “yes, of course”, we call each other. It seems to me that the need for this appears about once every two years, hardly more often. But it's priceless. The one who listens usually doesn't do anything magical. He is just ready to listen and the right words Remind them that not everything is bad. Then you can safely go to sleep: what was drunk, you no longer want to roar.

And there is another friend. I once called her when my back hurt very badly and I had to get to the clinic. I had a young man, but I was not ready to ask him to come home from work for this. He gave the go-ahead for me to take a taxi, said to call if anything. And in theory, this was a completely feasible task for me. Except for a couple of very awkward nuances for me. I couldn't tie my shoelaces. (And for me, for some reason, this is even more important than being able to go to the toilet on my own). And I was scared that something unpleasant would happen during the trip, although there were no prerequisites for this. It's just scary is all. At that time, both of these reasons seemed to me ashamed.

More than embarrassing to bother someone for such bullshit. So it seemed to me. But I called this friend of mine. I knew exactly what I would call her. Why her, I don't know. She didn't have to explain about the laces, or the pain, or anything. She just said she would come. And then everything was fine. I was not alone. She, of course, hardly remembers this incident. But to me, she remains the one person you can call to tie your shoelaces, just because you need it. It is clear that for her sake I am ready to come anywhere.

Do you agree that being able to support in time and be there in time is something very important? If yes, like, and try to figure out what the magic is.

So how do you support your loved one? What conclusions would you draw from these stories?

So why don't the usual ones work:

“Yeah, don’t worry. Let's go have a drink. Let's watch a movie. Well, what are you up to? Yes, everything will be fine! Well, if I were you, I would do this, this, and this!”

1) It is important to join the person, and not try to knock him out of his sad state.By at least, it is always important to start with joining, real FEELING. It is important to plunge into the same story for a while. Because there is something very important in it for your loved one. Otherwise... if it didn't affect anything important... He wouldn't have suffered so much himself. And if you immediately say “oh well, forget it,” a person may unconsciously read in this: “your values ​​and your experiences are bullshit!” But it's difficult. This about , about proximity. If you do it sincerely, it will really become a little uncomfortable.

2) Why advice does not help, and sometimes cause the opposite effect? What words to support a person correctly? I remember this once and for all of the course of commercials from the second after one of psychological groups. Analyzed the request of one of the participants. In the end, everyone gives him a circle feedback, support. Naturally, there is a lot of advice. Well, in the end, the “hero of the day” himself shares his final impressions. So here is a common story: “It seems to me that I am quite a fool. You offer such practical things, tell how you successfully got out of such stories. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only loser." It's paradoxical - but it's a common effect. One SINCERELY tries to support by telling his, and the one who listens becomes only sadder for himself. How to choose words of support?

• You can talk about your feelings and your attitude: “I'm worried about you. I'm sad to hear that too. I am also a bit confused when you told everything in detail.”
• You can also make it clear in words that you are ready to just be there, no matter what happens. "I'm with you". I remember my dad once in a difficult moment family history said, "Whatever it is, you are my daughter and always will be, and I love you." Then it was those very words that reassured me very much.
• You can talk about your similar BAD EXPERIENCE, about their similar “wrong” experiences. Indeed, in times of difficulty, we often feel that we are somehow not very ... Hearing that you are not the only such idiot can be very valuable.
• Advice helps when a person feels better, when he is heard, when he has some strength to do something. You can see it on it if you look closely. He changes face. Well, advice is good when it is neutral ideas as a tool. And what to do with these tools, when and which one to use, is up to the person himself to decide. And again, it's good when the advice is just a part of your story that he can listen to if he wants, and not doing good to the test subject.

3) Distract - good way when both are already tired of crying.Smiley. It is impossible to talk too long on important difficult topics. Joking, ironic and being distracted by something is also very important. good psychologists by the way, a lot of jokes are made at consultations. And it's on point. And it's very funny. But you need to correctly feel the moment when it is really in the subject, when you need to turn down the heat a little.And for this it is important to be a lively, interesting, enthusiastic person.Otherwise, the other cannot be pulled out of the quagmire. And then, looking at you and at your same sad and sympathetic look, he simply will not believe you that “everything will be fine.”

4) Even if he is sad, he is not a fool.For some reason, there is such a myth that if a person is sad or bad, then he cannot cope. So he needs to give advice a whole bunch. But no, this is not always the case. Almost all of us, even in very difficult life periods, have in our heads rough plan actions or options for what to do. It’s just that we doubt, worry, are temporarily confused or very tired. Believe me. I have worked with hundreds of people. Everyone always has at least some plan of action. Especially if a person is supported, listened to, reassured a little - the answer to the question “and what do you think to do with it?” no, no, yes there is.The main thing is to have time to ask this question BEFOREhis lecture on how to live.

5) Follow the prompts.A person in need of help almost always makes it clear in one way or another that he can help him now. Non-verbal. Maybe he is cold, maybe he wants to philosophize and he needs a listener, maybe he wants to go for a walk or just be alone for a while. Or be with you, but be silent at the same time. Don't be afraid to just BE NEAR the person who is hurting. Just to be near the person who cries. There is no urgent need to change anything. You are not an emergency room doctor. You have no super-responsibility. Just sit side by side in the same puddle. Helping people are sometimes carried away by THEMSELVES, what advice they know, what books they read, what mother said that they write on the Internet ... the anxiety from the need to save the one who dropped a tear at all costs is so overwhelming that it’s strength to JUST PAY ATTENTION for the one who is sad is not enough.

6) Ask: “How can I help you?”. Yes, everything ingenious is simple. But the trick is that by asking this question, you do not need to offer options. It is necessary to do a very difficult thing: to be silent. Just shut up and listen to what the person has to say. If he says: “I don’t know,” you can ask: “And you think about it! ..” If he says again: “I don’t know,” say, “please, when you figure it out, let me know, okay?” - and stay calmly, silently nearby for a minute.

7) How to support a loved one in ordinary daily activities?First, all of the above tips work. Just a lower degree of drink. About thatI already wrote. And besides all this, it helps to know in detail how he is doing. What happens to a person, what are his plans, difficulties, doubts, desires, dreams? What does he think is stopping him? What does he see that could help him? What does he think he is doing? It helps a lot. Although by and large it is quite simple.

Here is a story about love. All this takes courage. What other courage, what is frightening in this? It requires a willingness to be truly close to someone.

Write your stories of real support and your advice on this topic in the comments below.
Your family psychologist, Elena Zaitova.

Perhaps one of your friends or acquaintances has lost a loved one. Most likely, you want to support this person, but often in such a situation it is difficult to find the right words. First, express your sincere condolences. Then provide the necessary emotional support. Listen to the grieving person. It is also important to provide practical help. For example, you can help with cooking or cleaning.

Steps

Establish contact with the person

Select right time for a conversation. Before moving on to communicate with a grieving person, make sure that he is ready for this. A person who has lost a loved one can be very upset. Besides, it might be busy. So ask him if he can make time for you. If possible, talk to the grieving person in private.

• A person who has lost a loved one can very acutely perceive the attention of others, even after the funeral. So if you want to offer help, approach your friend or acquaintance when they are alone.

1. Express your sincere condolences. Upon learning that your friend or acquaintance has died close person Please try to contact him as soon as possible. You can send a letter to e-mail. However, it will be better if you call or meet with the person who has lost a loved one in person. You don't have to talk too much during such a meeting. Say, "I'm sorry, sorry." After that, you can say a few kind words about the deceased. Also promise that you will visit the person again soon.

   Mention that you are ready to help the person. At your next meeting, you will be able to fulfill your promise by needed help. Be specific about what you can do for the grieving person. Thanks to this, he will know what you are ready to do for him, and it will be easier for you to keep your word. Tell us what kind of help you are willing to provide and how much time you will need.

   • For example, if you're short on time, suggest that the grieving person take flowers from the funeral to the hospital or donate them to a charity.

2. Accept rejection with understanding. If you offer help and the grieving person turns you down, then listen to their wishes and leave your offer of help until the next meeting. Either way, don't take it personally. Because a grieving person may be offered help by many, it can be difficult for them to make the right decision.

   • You can say, "I know you're having a hard time making decisions right now. Let's talk about that next week."

3. Avoid sensitive topics. During the conversation, be very careful about mentioning something funny. If you don't know the person very well, avoid jokes altogether. In addition, the causes of death should not be discussed. Otherwise, the person will treat you like a gossip instead of a sincere and sympathetic person.

   Invite a friend to visit a bereaved help group. If you see that he is having a hard time coping with his feelings, offer to enlist the support of people who can help him with this. Find out if there is a bereaved support group in your area. You can do your research using the internet. Invite a friend to attend meetings with them.

   • Be very careful when asking a friend to use a support group. For example, you could say, "Recently I learned that there are special groups people who gather to talk about their beloved deceased loved ones. I don't know if you would like to take part in such meetings. If you want to go, I'm ready to do it with you."

Offer practical help

1. Offer a friend or acquaintance your help in providing necessary information other people. Most likely, a person who has lost a loved one will be very depressed because of what happened, so it will be difficult for him to provide the necessary information related to the death of a loved one. Take on this responsibility if necessary. Be ready to help the grieving person in any way.

   • In addition, you can help collect Required documents. For example, you can help with obtaining a death certificate. Such documents are required in order to close the accounts of the deceased.
   • If the deceased person was famous, then, most likely, many people will call his relatives. Take responsibility for answering calls.

2. Help with funeral arrangements. Funerals usually involve many tasks. For example, you can discuss funeral arrangements with the family of the deceased. Such questions may relate to finance and last wishes deceased person. In addition, you can take on the responsibility of writing and publishing an obituary. You can also write Thanksgiving letters, if it is needed.

   Find out if financial assistance is needed. If the deceased did not leave behind material assets, find out how you can help with this. You may need to use special resources to raise money for the funeral.

• If you don't know the person who has lost a loved one, send them a card with condolences.

Warnings

• If you notice that the person who has lost a loved one is very depressed, suggest that they seek professional help.

• Be relaxed. It's hard to start a conversation when you're shaking with fear.
• Compliments - The best way melt the ice.
• Speak clearly and appropriately. If you mumble something under your breath, it will be much more difficult to talk to you.
• Remember that no matter who you talk to, you will always have something in common. We all deal with the weather, love Tasty food and enjoy good mood and laughter. When in doubt, just talk to the person about why they are here. For example, if you meet at a bus stop, ask where he or she is going. If your interlocutor is not from this city, ask about his or her life at home.
• Be bold. Communication with people has become so necessary in our time that you can not afford to be shy. If there is a reason to communicate, find a way to start a conversation. If you like someone's work, tell them about it.
• It helps a lot if you are interested in what you do. If your life is not interesting to you, it will definitely not be interesting to anyone else.
• When talking to another person, use body language. This will make the conversation more exciting and last longer.
• If you are a shy person, then come up with a topic or two for a conversation in advance.
• Expand your field of interest. It's always easier to start interesting conversations when you put in the effort to develop own interests. Thoroughly familiarize yourself with the topic that interests you so that you can clearly and clearly talk about all the nuances that it (the topic) concerns. Expand and deepen your interests, cultivate an interest in everything. Another way to achieve this is to ask questions about the interests of others. If your friend loves football, ask them which teams and players did well this year, or ask them all about league structure.
• Don't be afraid that the conversation will take a different direction. If you have an idea in your head during a conversation, it is probably related to it.
• Half of success in communication depends on non-verbal cues, not necessarily what you say. Hone your non-verbal communication skills to appear more friendly and confident.
• If you consistently fail to build a conversation, you may just not be very good at expressing your interests (sharing too little or too much), or you are hiding these interests out of fear that people will reject them (or reject you). At some point, you will realize that you need to learn how to interest people if you want to be interesting.
• Note in your mind the interesting and funny things you saw or heard during the day. For example, someone said something funny or you did something interesting with your friends, whatever. Thus, you will have more themes for a conversation.

When your friend is having a hard time parting with a loved one, you, of course, want to help him, but understand: you cannot change or correct the situation. Instead, be willing to listen, distract if possible, and help avoid mistakes like alcohol abuse or "comfort" relationships.

Steps

Help a friend right after a breakup

Listen. After the end of a relationship, whether it lasted six months or six years, your friend is most likely not only upset, but also confused. He can talk a lot, pouring out his feelings and emotions. Be ready to listen to your friend and be involved: this is the first and foremost thing you can do to support him.

• No matter what the reason for the breakup is, your friend may be asking himself, "What did I do wrong?" or “Can I fix the situation?” Asking such questions is quite natural, especially if the breakup was unexpected for him.

1. Be patient. Of course, it is more pleasant to spend time with a friend when he is doing well. However real friendship checked just in such difficult situations. Constantly remind yourself that you are a true friend should be empathetic, even if it means you have to listen to the same stories over and over again. Be patient while listening soul feelings your friend.

   • Remember how a friend helped you when you also found yourself in difficult situations, for example, you also broke up with a loved one or lost your job. Chances are your friend has been patient with you during those difficult times too.

2. Show your friend that you understand. Your friend should not get the impression that he is talking to the wall. Show that you are listening by asking questions and expressing your feelings about what happened. However, try to avoid empty clichés and banal phrases. It is unlikely that a person will want to hear from you something like: “On your former light the wedge did not converge. You will meet your love again." Your friend is experiencing heartache, and with such words you can hurt him even more.

   Do not remember your past breakups. While you may want to compare your friend's situation with your own, don't do it, especially if your friend has just recently broken up with a girl. You may have something to say, but remember: now we are talking about your friend, and not about your past problems, so you should not pull the blanket over yourself. Give your friend time to talk about themselves.

   Dissuade a friend from trying to return ex boyfriend or a girl. After a breakup, a person is often inclined to deny the irreversibility of what happened. At first, your friend may be looking for ways to return ex love, but you understand their uselessness. If a friend shares such plans with you or asks for advice, try to dissuade him, but do not try too actively to influence the outcome of the situation.

   Switch the attention of a friend, but within reason. Your friend is in deep emotional pain, and that's okay. Being deeply upset is not only natural in such circumstances, but also necessary if a person is to get over the breakup and move on calmly. You may immediately try to pull the person out of the house to distract him from sad thoughts, but do not do this: give your friend time to grieve. Don't go out of your way to make your friend ignore or forget about the breakup. Therefore, if you want to invite a friend to unwind, do it not too often and do not insist on having fun until you drop.

   Help a friend recover from a breakup

   1. Remember that every person has their own path, and your friend is no exception. Everyone experiences a breakup differently. Someone very quickly pulls himself together, and someone needs more time. Moreover, it does not even depend on the duration of the relationship. Realize that your friend will experience the breakup in their own way and you can't control how long it lasts.

      • You will probably have to show a lot of patience, but in this situation you simply cannot do anything else. Do not rush things, let the person decide for himself when he is ready to get out of his condition.

   2. Help a friend with daily activities. When a person is so depressed, it can be difficult for him to even go grocery shopping or do other household chores, especially if they are in regular time does not excite him. You don’t need to overprotect a friend, but you can take on some household chores, such as buying food or tidying up a bit.

      Keep having fun together. You should be prepared for your friend to be sad the first time after the end of a relationship, but don't feel like you shouldn't give up having fun together for weeks or months. To be alone again, especially after long term relationship And cohabitation, is stress. The person may feel as if they have lost a part of themselves. So try to revive old habits when your friend is ready. For example, if you always had dinner together on a certain day of the week, continue this tradition.

   3. Make sure your friend doesn't seek solace in alcohol. While there is nothing good about it, we are all perfectly aware that it is normal to drink more than usual in the first couple of evenings after a breakup. However, when the first shock of the breakup wears off, make sure that the friend does not continue to seek solace in alcohol, and even more so in drugs.

      • Not to mention that your friend is at risk of becoming addicted to alcohol, healthy body restores healthy mind much faster. Therefore, your friend should eat well, sleep enough and exercise. exercise rather than wandering from bar to bar.

   4. Think about what will make your friend feel better. Although at first your friend should not be avoided negative emotions or suppress them, after a while it will be necessary for them to find another way out. referral process negative energy to positive, productive actions is called sublimation. Help your friend find activities to sublimate their feelings and keep them interested.

      • Your friend might go in for sports, painting, or music, or he might immerse himself in work climbing up career ladder. There are various ways to deal productively with a situation, but in any case, a friend needs your maximum support.

   5. Let your friend express their anger. normal process mourning goes through several stages, and after confusion, denial and sadness comes anger. If your friend is angry, it usually indicates that he has accepted the end of the relationship. If anger does not go beyond reason and does not turn into aggression towards others, it does not in itself mean that the situation is out of control.

      • However, don't settle for the generalizations "all women lie" or "all guys are assholes". Your friend was not treated badly by abstract “everyone”, but by one specific person.
      • Try to cheer up your friend at every opportunity. Let him have a reason to smile.
      • Let him know that you are ready to support him. You may think that this is a trifle, but in Hard times it means a lot.
      • Don't force the person to tell what happened. If he wants, he will tell you when he is ready.
      • Give your friend time to think about everything and be alone with yourself.
      • Hug your friend when he cries. Say you love him and will always be there for him.
      • Don't get too big a "support group" to help a friend. Big companies are not what a person going through a breakup needs. Have one or two close friends with him.