Several fragments from Evgeny Ilyin’s book “Psychology of Love” are given. The book is in our

Ilyin Evgeniy Pavlovich - doctor psychological sciences, Professor of the Russian State Pedagogical University named after. A. I. Herzen, Honored Scientist of the Russian Federation; specialist in the field of general and differential psychophysiology, psychology physical education and sports; author of more than two hundred scientific publications, including fifteen teaching aids and monographs.

1. What is jealousy?

2. Are there any benefits to jealousy?

3. Personality and individual characteristics that contribute to jealousy

4. Children's jealousy

5. Jealousy of the object sexual love and its reasons

6. Jealousy reactions

7. Types of jealousy

8. Male and female jealousy

9. Parental jealousy

10. Ways to overcome jealousy

11. Jealous personality

Jealousy is always born with love, but does not always die with it.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld Absence of jealousy means prudent love.
Germaine de Stael

People have always been jealous, either out of fear of losing, or because they considered a person their property. And they defended their rights in duels, strangled and persecuted for treason, hiding behind concepts of honor. In many ways, this feeling is dictated by public morality that guards marriage.

Brutal reprisals are a thing of the past, social mores have softened, but still millions of people continue to experience, to one degree or another, a feeling of jealousy. Just as the feeling of love is eternal, so is its companion – jealousy. And therefore, speaking about love, one cannot avoid discussing the problem of jealousy, which poisons love.

After all, as Lope de Vega wrote:
Love, of course, is paradise, but the Garden of Eden
Often jealousy turned into hell.

What is jealousy?

There are various definitions of jealousy:

A negative feeling that arises from a perceived lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy on the part of a highly valued person, especially a loved one, while someone else is imaginary or actually receiving it from him;

Painful doubts about someone’s loyalty, love (Ozhegov’s Dictionary);

Passionate distrust, painful doubt about someone's fidelity, in love, in complete devotion (Ushakov's Dictionary);

A person’s suspicious attitude towards someone who previously responded with love, affection, affection, as well as painful doubt about the fidelity and love of its object (Human. Anatomy. Physiology. Psychology: Encyclopedic illustrated dictionary).

All of these definitions essentially say the same thing: jealousy is associated with the experience of the threat of losing a valuable relationship with another person due to a real or imagined rival (Parrott, 1991; Salovey, 1991; Maslow, 1997). F. La Rochefoucauld wrote: “Jealousy feeds on doubts; it dies or goes berserk as soon as doubt turns into certainty” (1971, p. 153).

Jealousy is believed to be related to love, but how? - that is the question. St. Augustine many centuries ago proclaimed the thesis: “He who is not jealous does not love,” linking love and jealousy together, and people took this position on faith and began to be guided by it in their lives. In the collections of the wise, I discovered a statement of a different nature by an unknown author, which seems to me more profound and psychological in nature than the aphorism of the famous theologian. It says: “A person is not jealous when he loves, but when he wants to be loved.” Thus, jealousy is not love at all, but rather the desire to have it or the fear of losing it... Professor I. Shevelev said that jealousy is “the reverse of love, the black lining of its white mantle,” and S. Bufler spoke even harsher: “Jealousy is the sister of love, just as the devil is the brother of an angel.”
Shcherbatykh Yu. 2002

Jealousy in most cases represents an exclusive claim to "ownership" of another person with whom one exists. emotional connection. A jealous partner demands unlimited, exclusive attention. When these claims are imaginary or actually questioned by a person, jealousy appears, accompanied by a whole range of emotions: either a strong, sometimes irrational fear of losing a loved one, or anger if a person, despite all attempts, cannot return his attention, love and feeling of security. Jealousy is accompanied by resentment at the imaginary or real betrayal of a partner, as well as anxiety, shame, annoyance, and sadness.

Jealousy can be felt towards any rival - real or imagined, be it a man, woman, child or animal. But it is not an indicator of the power of love. Often, jealousy only shows the degree of self-doubt.

Jealousy deals the death blow to the strongest and most enduring love.
Ovid

Jealousy is a necessary side of love... It is one of the moments of love, the basis of love, the background of love, the primary darkness in which the ray of love will shine.
Pavel Florensky

Is jealousy envy?

Some scientists use the concepts “envy” and “jealousy” interchangeably. In the Dictionary of Ethics (M., 1983), jealousy is defined as a hostile feeling towards the success, wealth or popularity of another person, as well as towards his independence in actions and feelings, which rather characterizes envy.

There are also scientists (Salovey, Rodin, 1986) who consider jealousy to be a broader concept than envy, and therefore use the concept of “social comparison jealousy” instead. As K. Muzdybaev (1997) notes, there is no use in mixing these concepts, since they reflect and regulate different areas of interpersonal relationships.

Jealousy is the most exceptional passion in the world.
F. M. Dostoevsky

P. Titellman (1982) defines the differences between envy and jealousy as follows: feelings of envy arise when an individual does not have what he passionately wants; a feeling of jealousy arises when, due to the presence of a rival, a person is afraid of losing what he has and what is significant to him. G. Clanton and L. Smith (Clanton, Smith, 1977) note another difference: the envious person tries to control abstract and material objects (status, money, etc.), but not living ones. A jealous person is concerned with control over people who are significant to him.

Unlike envy, where there are two parties - the one who is envied and the one who is envied (dyadic relationships), jealousy involves three parties in its orbit (triadic relationships): the first is the jealous one, the second is the one who is jealous, and the third is the one (those) who are jealous, perceived by the jealous person as a rival, claiming, like him, the love of his parents, the favor of his boss, etc. D. Kinsley (Kingsley, 1977) also adds a fourth side - the public, who always interested in how the relationship between partners and opponents develops.

F. La Rochefoucauld wrote that “jealousy is to some extent reasonable and fair, for it wants to preserve our property or what we consider it to be, while envy is blindly indignant at the fact that our loved ones also have some property.” .

Are there any benefits to jealousy?

In the public consciousness, any manifestation of jealousy is regarded as a negative phenomenon. Many prominent literary figures share the same opinion. Thus, Denis Diderot said that jealousy is the passion of a wretched, stingy animal afraid of loss; This is a feeling unworthy of a person, the fruit of our rotten morals and property rights extended to a feeling, thinking, willing, free being. “Jealousy is a disease of insignificant people who do not respect either themselves or their rights to the affection of the object they love,” believed V. G. Belinsky. And Anatole France wrote: “I don’t think there is suffering in the world more humiliating than jealousy.”

And in the Soviet era, jealousy from the point of view of communist morality was condemned as immorality, as a manifestation of selfishness, selfishness, vanity, and envy.

Indeed, in many of its manifestations jealousy is humiliating and disgusting, and in an atmosphere of unbridled jealousy even the most strong love suffocates and wastes away.

Lope de Vega

And yet jealousy normal phenomenon if it occurs rarely. It can even bring pleasure to someone who is jealous.

The Ural writer Valery Bruskov has an aphorism: “The fire of love feeds on the wood of jealousy,” and some psychologists generally believe that jealousy reflects the level of aspiration of an individual, therefore it is harmful to fight it, because such a fight reduces a person’s competitiveness. There are opinions that jealousy can also have a positive side. This opinion is shared by Mathes (1986), who, as a result of a longitudinal study, revealed a connection between high jealousy and partners' satisfaction with relationships and their duration over seven years. Based on this, he writes that jealousy protects and promotes love.

Most likely, it's all a matter of proportions - after all, even the most healing medicine, used without measure, can cause harm. Therefore, the doctor I. Shevelev derived the following postulate: “Jealousy is poison: in small doses it stimulates love, in large doses it kills.”

The first experience of jealousy that a person experiences is the fear of losing a loved one.

But although fear and anger are negative emotions, for jealousy they are more of a cure than a poison. And the first experience of childhood jealousy teaches that none of us is the “center of the universe”, that love is not given to us just like that - it must be achieved, earned. But if jealousy can be a creative force, should we rush to get rid of it?

Personality and individual characteristics that contribute to jealousy

Usually, intense jealousy experienced by people who are not self-sufficient, are not self-confident, or, on the contrary, are too self-confident and consider a person their “property”. Jealous people are more often people with the stuck type of character accentuation according to Leonhard, or, more simply, bores.

N.N. Naritsyn, based on his experience as a psychotherapist, believes that jealousy in regular couples quite often arises where there are no so-called partnership, parity relations between people, but there is an obvious or hidden binary confrontation “who is more important and where is whose place.”

A. N. Volkova (1989) notes that the intensification of the reaction of jealousy is facilitated by:

1) inert mental processes, making it difficult to understand, respond and act in a given situation;

2) an idealistic attitude, in which a person does not allow any compromises in his love life;

3) a pronounced possessive attitude towards things and persons;

4) high or low self-esteem; with high self-esteem, a despotic version of the experience of jealousy is observed, with low self-esteem, the person acutely experiences his own inferiority;

5) loneliness, poverty of interpersonal connections, in which there is no one to replace the partner;

6) a person’s sensitivity to betrayals of various kinds in other partnerships;

7) strong addiction from a partner in achieving any vital goals (material security, career, etc.).

People with an anxious attachment style (worrying that a partner does not love me or want to stay with me) tend to be jealous more often and more strongly than people with a secure attachment style (Sharpsteen, Kirkpatrick, 1997).

According to Yu. V. Panasyuk (2009), the tendency to show jealousy depends on the type of temperament: among choleric and melancholic people there are more people with a high level of jealousy. The least number of such persons is among phlegmatic people.

No differences were found in the level of jealousy between men and women: 51.6% were highly jealous among men, and 50.8% among women. Noteworthy is the fact that half of people have high level jealousy and missing faces with low level jealousy.

Jealousy of the object of sexual love and its causes

A special position is occupied by jealousy, manifested in relations between the sexes. It is associated with the feeling of love and the reason for it is the fact that someone loves not us, but another (or pretends to provoke and torment the partner). Here jealousy has a double meaning. She can talk about true feeling, and thus, when expressed in moderation, can strengthen relationships, offering the partner a feeling of confidence. But it can be a reason for abuse or even violence when self-respect the lover becomes greatly wounded, offended, and jealousy is experienced especially acutely.

Will you forgive me jealous dreams,
Is my love madly excited?
You are faithful to me: why do you love
Always scare my imagination?
Surrounded by a crowd of fans
Why do you want to seem nice to everyone?
And gives everyone empty hope
Your wonderful gaze, sometimes tender, sometimes sad?
Having taken possession of me, darkening my mind,
I am confident in my unhappy love,
Don't you see when in the crowd they are passionate
Conversations are alien, alone and silent,
I am tormented by the annoyance of being alone;
Not a word to me, not a glance... cruel friend!
Do I want to run away - with fear and prayer
Your eyes don't follow me.
Does another beauty turn you on?
Ambiguous conversation with me,
You are calm; your funny reproach
It kills me without expressing love.
Say again: my eternal rival,
Finding me alone with you,
Why does he greet you slyly?..
What is he to you? Tell me what's right
Does he turn pale and be jealous?..
At the immodest hour between evening and light,
Without a mother, alone, half dressed, Why should you accept him?..
But I am loved... Alone with me
You are so tender! Your kisses
So fiery! Words of your love
So sincerely filled with your soul!
My torment is funny to you;
But I am loved, I understand you.
My dear friend, don’t torment me, I pray:
You don't know how much I love
You don't know how hard I suffer.

Many people think: “If I don’t cheat, then my partner has nothing to worry about.” And they consider their partner’s jealousy to be far-fetched. But far-fetchedness is a consequence of the lack of signs of attention, saving on compliments, indifference to emotional life partner.

Point of view

Now, in the so-called intelligent circles, they are beginning to consider it not so much sexual intercourse as betrayal, but rather the fact that another individual is found better, more talented, beautiful, gifted, etc. In other words, the center of gravity moves to the psychic strings and, accordingly, the itself changes the nature of jealousy. Now there is no need for jealousy anymore physiological betrayal. In the old days, for example in the Middle Ages, knights and barons believed that everything was fine if the wife could not change physiologically. Let her love another, a page, a troubadour, a knight, etc., it doesn’t matter. It is important that she cannot “change”.

And in order to prevent this from happening, when they left home, they put a special belt on their wife’s loins, locked it, took the key for themselves, and if the “lock” remained intact upon returning, they considered that everything was fine. Now things are different. A simple statement is enough that the spouse loves the other, that the other is better, a glance, a smile is enough, a simple hint- so that jealousy could arise without any sexual infidelity. Moreover, the latter may even occur, but since the “mentally” lover belongs to each other and finds each other better, jealousy may not exist. In short, for the reasons outlined above, jealousy itself is psychologized.

Previously, it arose due to the preference of one “male” to another (or “female”), now it arises due to the preference of one person to another, and the former may occur and, however, jealousy may not exist, since preference for a male does not always mean preference now person. On my own sexual intimacy, once the mental elements of love are erased from it, it becomes useless or of little value and therefore should not cause either tragedies or the anguish that it has caused until now.

One of the consequences of the above provisions is the devaluation of physiological love. This devaluation entails a radical change in views on “betrayal” and “fidelity” in love. And the latter, in turn, causes a gradual transformation of jealousy from physiological to mental.
Sorokin P. 1994.

E. Hatfield and G. Walster (Hatfield, Walster, 1977) consider the causes of jealousy to be a feeling of infringed pride and awareness of violation of property rights. It is the threat to self-esteem, according to P. Salovey (1991), that is the main factor in the emergence of jealousy. Moreover, the more significant a particular area is for the subject’s self-esteem and the higher the opponent’s abilities in this area, the stronger the subject experiences jealousy (Bers, Rodin, 1984; De Steno, Salovey, 1996; Sharpsteen, 1995).

Specific reasons for the reaction of jealousy may be, for example, flirting or too warm a conversation between a partner and another person, which may be perceived as a danger to one’s own relationship with him.

Over the past twenty years, it has been proposed various models descriptions of the causes and mechanisms of jealousy, including understanding jealousy as an evolutionarily determined reaction (Buss, Larsen, Westen, Semmelroth, 1992), a personality trait (Bringle, 1991), the result of a perceived discrepancy in the value of relationships (Buunk, 1991), as a sociocultural phenomenon (Bryson , 1991;Hupka, 1991) and, finally, as protection of self-esteem in close partnerships (Salovey, 1991; Salovey, Rothman, 1991). Only the first of these models to some extent echoes Freud’s theory of the innate Oedipus complex, which generates inevitable jealousy towards a parent of the same sex, while the remaining theories consider jealousy as a product and/or characteristic of a rather complex social interaction.
Breslav G. M. 2004.

Walking with a loved one, the jealous person looks around suspiciously; he does not allow his loved one to preen himself because he believes that this could serve as bait for a “rival.” He tries never to lose sight of his loved one, and if he breaks up, he instructs his friends to keep an eye on him and even hires a private detective.

Jealousy is associated with a person’s previously existing confidence in love. loved one and with his idea that only he has the right to possess it. The result of this is an encroachment on the personal freedom of the loved one, despotism, and suspicion. Affective outbursts of jealousy are not uncommon, which can lead to tragic consequences. As a result of jealousy, love turns into hatred. Then the person seeks in any way to cause suffering, insult and humiliate the person he loves. Such hatred often remains suppressed and manifests itself in the form of bullying of the beloved.

Carlo Galdoni

I don’t think there is any suffering in the world more humiliating than jealousy.
Anatole France

We only enjoy the jealousy of those whom we ourselves could be jealous of.
Stendhal

Groundless jealousy also arises where between partners living in civil marriage, the rules of the relationship are not specified in advance. One sees them as long-term and serious, while the other considers himself free, since he did not make any promises. To avoid such a conflict, you need to clarify your and your partner’s expectations and stipulate mutual obligations.

Jealousy reactions

As soon as a person imagines that his lover is dating not him, but someone else, he begins to experience unbearable heartache. At such moments, a person is permeated by the thought that he has forever lost something very valuable, that he was abandoned, betrayed, that no one needs him, and that his love turned out to be meaningless. The emerging consciousness of one's loneliness (isolation according to P. Kutter) and inner emptiness is accompanied by disappointment, sadness, resentment, shame, annoyance, and anger. In such a state, a person is not able to behave rationally. Jealousy follows him everywhere. “Like a dream, persistent and menacing, I dream of a happy opponent. And secretly and viciously seething jealousy burns, and secretly and viciously the hand seeks a weapon.”[

A. N. Volkova (1989) classifies reactions of jealousy on several grounds: according to the criterion of norm - normal or pathological; according to the content criterion – affective, cognitive, behavioral; by type of experience - active and passive; In terms of intensity – moderate and deep, heavy.

Normal, non-pathological reactions are distinguished by the adequacy of the situation, understandable to many people, accountable to the subject, and often controlled by him. Pathological jealousy has the opposite characteristics.

Cognitive reactions are expressed in the desire to analyze the fact of betrayal, look for its cause, look for the culprit (I am a partner - a rival), build a forecast of the situation, trace the background, i.e. create a picture of the event. Cognitive reactions are more pronounced in asthenic people and intellectuals.

Affective reactions are expressed in emotional experience betrayal. The most characteristic emotions are despair, anger, hatred and contempt for oneself and one’s partner, love and hope. Depending on the personality type, affective reactions occur against the background of melancholic depression or angry agitation. The predominance of affective reactions is observed in people of an artistic, hysterical, emotionally labile nature.

Behavioral reactions appear, as A. N. Volkova writes, in the form of struggle or refusal. The struggle is expressed in attempts to restore relationships (explanations), to keep a partner (requests, persuasion, threats, pressure, blackmail), to eliminate an opponent, to make it difficult to meet with him, to attract attention to oneself (inducing pity, sympathy, sometimes coquetry). If you refuse to restore the relationship, the connection with your partner is severed or becomes distant and official.

With active reactions, characteristic of sthenic and extroverted personalities, a person seeks necessary information, openly expresses his feelings, strives to return his partner, competes with his opponent. With passive reactions, asthenic and introverted individuals do not make persistent attempts to influence relationships; jealousy occurs within the person.

Acute and deep reactions of jealousy are the result of complete surprise of betrayal against the background of a prosperous marriage. Betrayal hurts a trusting and loyal person more. Jealousy becomes protracted if the situation is not resolved, the partner behaves contradictoryly, without making a definite decision.

Some researchers distinguish between the expression and experience of jealousy (Andersen et al., 1998), as well as cognitive and behavioral jealousy (Guerrero & Elroy, 1992).

As P. Kutter notes, the manifestation of aggression during jealousy depends on the passivity or activity of love. A man, if he hoped that, while remaining passive, would be surrounded by the love of a woman, he is aggressive towards her, and not towards his rival. If he loves a woman actively, that is, if his love is a pronounced feeling, and not a desire to be loved, then he pursues his rival. Men are most distressed by sexual infidelity, while women are most distressed by falling in love with another (Buss et al., 1992; Buunk et al., 1996).

Types of jealousy

There are several types of jealousy: tyrannical, from infringement, reversed, grafted (E. E. Linchevsky, 1978), as well as pathological jealousy.

Tyrannical jealousy occurs in stubborn, autocratic, self-righteous, petty, emotionally cold and aloof subjects. Such people make very high demands on others, which can be difficult or even impossible to fulfill and do not evoke sympathy from their sexual partner, but also lead to cooling in the relationship. When such a despotic subject tries to find an explanation for this cooling, he sees the reason not in himself, but in his partner, “who has developed an outside interest, a tendency towards infidelity.” In literature and art you can find many jealous people of this type: Aleko (“Gypsies” by A. S. Pushkin), Arbenin (“Masquerade” by M. Yu. Lermontov), ​​Rogozhin (“The Idiot” by F. M. Dostoevsky), Lyubasha (opera N. A. Rimsky-Korsakov “The Tsar’s Bride”).

Jealousy from damaged self-esteem manifests itself in people with an anxious and suspicious character, with low self-esteem, insecure, easily falling into melancholy and despair, and inclined to exaggerate troubles and dangers. Self-doubt, feeling own inferiority makes a person see a rival in everyone he meets. And if it seems to him that his partner did not show due attention to him, he immediately has doubts and suspicions about the fidelity of his loved one. An example of such a jealous person is Pozdnyshev in L. N. Tolstoy’s “Kreutzer Sonata”.

Woman under pressure male jealousy, begins to make excuses and try to prove him wrong, and then look for the reasons for the abuse in his behavior. However, this behavior only creates a temporary lull. Having once suppressed his chosen one, jealous husband He is looking for new reasons for scandals, but they no longer calm him down. The fact is that with the help of such “concerts” a jealous husband asserts himself and increases his self-esteem.

Jealousy Converted represents the result of one’s own tendencies in infidelity, its projection onto a partner. The jealous person's line of reasoning is as follows: since thoughts about adultery he has, then why can’t others have them, including his partner? When, for example, a husband himself repeatedly cheats on his wife and is afraid of discovery, he is overcome with intense shame at the thought that he is deceiving her and she might find out about it. In this case, his defense mechanism against feelings of shame is projection, i.e., he blames his wife for his own sins. At the same time, his suspicions and scandals with his wife give him a reason to defuse the accumulated tension and react negative emotions. At the same time, he may have a feeling of guilt that he is torturing his wife so much, blaming her for his own sins.

Usually, converted jealousy arises in the place of extinguished love, since continued love is rarely combined with dreams of other sexual partners. This type jealousy is the most everyday, prosaic.

Instilled jealousy is the result of the suggestion from the outside that “all men (women) are the same”, hints about the infidelity of the spouse. A striking example of such a jealous person is Ottelo, whom Iago set against Desdemona.

Of course, combinations of elements from these types of jealousy are possible in life, so observing them in pure form maybe not so often.

Marcel Proust

Pathological jealousy. There is also an extreme variant of the manifestation of jealous feelings - delirium of jealousy, when one of the spouses controls every step of the other and poorly distinguishes his desires and needs from the desires and needs of his partner. But this is already a pathology, since this condition is accompanied obsessive thoughts about a partner's betrayal.

Such jealous people constantly suspect their partner of cheating and picture vivid intimate scenes of betrayal in their imagination. One of the traps they set is that they ask you to talk about the relationship you had before marriage, asking for even the slightest intimate details, after which living together turns into hell.

Experience shows that jealousy often develops clinical forms in men, especially with alcohol addiction. Cheating on a wife can be the collapse of their ideal, hopes and deep disappointment, which they are terribly afraid of and strive to avoid.

If a person suffers from delusions of jealousy, then, as a rule, he cannot objectively assess his condition and understand that he is inventing reasons for jealousy himself. Triggered defense mechanism- projection, which can underlie both delusions of jealousy and paranoid delusions (delusions of persecution). A person suffering from delusions of jealousy does not necessarily have to cheat himself; he can simply want it and attribute these desires and actions to his partner.

This situation is perfectly shown in the Italian feature film “The Jealous”.

Psychotherapist and psychoanalyst N.N. Naritsyn distinguishes two types of jealousy: object-motivated and subjective-sensitive.

Object-motivated jealousy- this is a kind of feeling of ownership experienced by one spouse in relation to the other. Such jealousy arises where one spouse (partner, lover) has power over the other, or at least the feeling of such power. And accordingly, jealousy essentially turns out to be the fear of losing this power (or at least the feeling of it). Jealousy of this type often includes a component of inflated self-esteem, sometimes reaching the pathological belief that this jealous person has the right to judge who is right and who is wrong, and to feel like a “guardian of universal justice.” When the situation reaches the psychiatric diagnosis of “delirium of jealousy,” a person can generally feel like one in three guises: investigator, judge, and executor of “punishment.” Any actions of the “opposite side” aimed at confirming their innocence are regarded by the jealous person as unconditional proof of guilt: if the partner actively proves innocence, “the thief’s cap is on fire,” and if he is silent, “the cat knows whose meat it ate!”

Jealousy of the first type is more often characteristic of people with severe epileptoid accentuation. And also with the conviction that his partner is practically his property. Therefore, in the case of such jealousy, a person’s aggressiveness increases and, at the same time, criticism of one’s actions decreases, and consciousness narrows to one idea of ​​“condemn and punish”: precisely because the partner seems to have “broken the rules.” But in fact - for daring to cause in him the fear of losing his own influence.

Moreover, quite often the very ideas of jealousy can be used for manipulation, and again the partner will not necessarily have to actually cheat in order for him (her) to be “punished” for it. What will be important here is not even the fact of betrayal, but precisely the need to create a feeling of guilt in the “traitor.” Such jealousy often arises where one’s own (inflated) self-esteem collides with reality: frustration arises. And if a person is unable to become stronger, richer, more famous, he often tries to “humiliate” his partner, often accusing him of potential infidelity. Therefore, for safety reasons, it is better to initially stay away from such a jealous person: in order to overcompensate, he often seeks to methodically enslave his “property,” and getting out of this situation can be very difficult.

A woman rarely forgives a man for jealousy and never forgives the lack of jealousy.
Colette

A woman cannot stand a jealous man whom she does not love, but gets angry if the one she loves is not jealous.
Ninon de Lanclos

Subjective-sensitive jealousy is associated with the fear of losing the object of dependence, when a person is not afraid of losing the manipulation of someone, but is afraid of his own instability due to the loss or decrease in the attention of someone. Jealousy of the second type is often characteristic of people of a psychasthenic nature with problems of self-esteem and self-confidence. Those who are afraid that “except for this person, no one will need them at all,” and also “if he (s) leaves me, I will be completely lost alone.”

In such a situation, a person begins to delve into himself and eat himself, but he cannot get rid of the feelings of guilt and fear and suffers especially from this. Although, perhaps, the reason that the partner cheated (or at least began to devote more attention to someone else) - not at all in the “jealous” person himself, but in some problems of the partner.

Thus, writes N.N. Naritsyn, if with object-motivated jealousy the jealous person considers the object of jealousy dependent on himself (and fears losing precisely this sense of power over him), then with subjective-sensitive jealousy he himself feels dependent on the object. And with jealousy, he experiences fear of losing this object, therefore, losing a sense of support in life, protection and support, and literally maternal/fatherly love.

In both the first and second cases, N.N. Naritsyn believes, we can talk about dependence, because the jealous person in any case significantly depends on the “traitor” and on the “assessment” that he supposedly gives him with his behavior.

Object-motivated jealousy is more dangerous for others, and subjective-sensitive jealousy is more dangerous for the jealous person himself, leading to suicide. With type 1 jealousy, the object of jealousy usually needs help (suffering from excessive control, constant questioning, suspicion and reproaches, and even from physical impact), and with jealousy of the second type – the jealous person himself.

Male and female jealousy

There are significant differences in the jealousy of men and women, which are based on their jealousy of their mother when they were children.

Are there differences between male and female jealousy?

Undoubtedly. Let us remember that the reason for a child’s jealousy is always the mother (regardless of the child’s gender). In other words, the first object of jealousy is always a woman. And this leads to a rather interesting consequence.

When a boy becomes an adult man, he will experience the greatest jealousy towards a woman. When the girl becomes adult woman, she will feel the greatest jealousy towards the woman.

In other words, a man cares very little about what other men are like, he only cares about the fidelity (or infidelity) of his wife.

A woman, on the contrary, is bothered by thoughts about another woman much more than thoughts that she own man unfaithful to her.

But that is not all. The boy experiences his first experience of jealousy in intense competition with “another man” (his father). But for girls, competition “with another woman” is excluded in principle: her main “competitor” for her mother’s attention is a person of the opposite sex. This is very important, since parents for a child are the “prototypes” of his future adult relationships.

Who is the mother for little boy? The ideal of love. And the father? The standard of behavior. What about the girl? Her mother is the standard of behavior for her, and her father is the ideal of love. Do you understand what this means?

A boy is jealous of the ideal of love, and a woman is jealous of the standard of behavior. And when a man is jealous, he doubts that his woman is an ideal. And when does a woman get jealous? She doubts that she is the standard for her man. Or she assumes that the “other woman” is a better standard than she is. This means that a woman has a subconscious tendency to imitate her rival, who “takes away” her ideal of love.

In male jealousy, anger predominates (therefore, men commit murders and suicides motivated by jealousy much more often), in female jealousy- fear.

In male jealousy, the sexual principle dominates, and in female jealousy, the emotional connection dominates.

A jealous man is more inclined to blame others (he usually does not take himself into account; he is ideal by definition); a jealous woman, on the contrary, sees her own shortcomings in this.

It rarely occurs to men to “play jealousy,” but women use it all the time.
Tsenev V. Why people are jealous // Based on Internet materials

Male jealousy is more active and violent, while female jealousy more often carries an element of passivity and doom.

Men most often become jealous out of fear of being humiliated by an unknown partner who has better physical characteristics and is more skilled in love.

A man is jealous of his predecessors, and a woman is jealous of those who come after her.
Marcel Achard, French playwright

IN Lately Cases of male jealousy began to appear, addressed not to a rival, but to a rival - a woman, with accusations of the wife that she was striving for a lesbian relationship. Usually such jealousy has grounds, since wives clearly prefer to meet and spend time with their friends, which can be explained by different interests, insufficient empathy of the husband, lack of sensitivity on his part, etc. In addition, the possibility cannot be excluded that the friend shows lesbian interests, most often as part of bisexual desires.

A jealous person does not actually doubt his wife, but himself.
Honore de Balzac

They are jealous of their husbands ugly women. Beautiful women there is no time for that - they are busy being jealous of other people's husbands.
Oscar Wilde

One of the specific options is jealousy, which arises in situations where spouses work together in one institution. The competitor is the employee who advances his career more quickly and successfully. Any positive assessment by the spouse of such a competitor is extremely painful. The mind of a jealous person is dominated by the thought of his own inadequacy. This situation at work can lead to sexual potency disorders.

Men experience jealousy more severely and deeply than women. Their sexuality is more vulnerable and vulnerable. This is explained by the fact that men, unlike women, do not like to share their problems with others and cannot relieve mental stress. For fear of dropping yours manhood, they worry alone, and if they decide to “let off steam,” then it becomes truly dangerous for the woman. An example of this is Othello in Shakespeare’s drama, Arbenin in M. Yu. Lermontov’s drama “Masquerade”, etc.

Inferiority complex: be jealous of your wife for every man; megalomania: believing that she loves you alone.
Boris Krutier, humorist writer

There is also evidence that jealousy in men recently very often arises without the presence of a specific rival. Women are jealous of men in general. An important reason for this is the inability of some men to realize the possibility that women are capable of leaving them without any connection with someone else, simply because they no longer suit them, have become uninteresting, are tired of them, have begun to cause disgust, etc. Reconcile with such thoughts it turns out to be much more difficult and painful than convincing yourself of the presence of some kind of rival “seducing” a woman. A wild imagination, as well as the ability to interpret all events in one’s own way, can play a cruel joke on an impressionable nature young man who lives in his own world full of fantasies. In a time of increasing gender equality, some men feel lost and cannot adapt sufficiently to new situation. Their jealousy of imaginary abstract rivals is essentially mixed feelings, in the structure of which a large place is occupied by distrust of oneself and lack of confidence in one’s abilities, which is repressed into the subconscious. Characteristic is the desire to find a “scapegoat” and thus find an excuse for oneself.

Jealousy is a source of torment for the lover and resentment for the beloved.
C. Goldoni

The presence of jealousy in many men is due to a partial attitude towards alcohol or drugs. There is even a distorted expression of the popular proverb: “He is jealous, which means he likes to drink.” Men addicted to alcohol and drugs, deep down in their souls, are aware of their inadequacy and bad behavior. Naturally, a woman also cannot tolerate their irresponsible attitude towards the family, so most often she is irritable and dissatisfied. A drunk man perceives a cold attitude towards himself as evidence of a woman’s infidelity. The higher the degree of development of alcoholism a man has, the more he creates scenes of jealousy. And in connection with the developing impotence due to a careless attitude towards one’s health, the thought of cheating on one’s wife turns into a state constant fear and often leads to irreparable consequences.

Male and female jealousy have different origins. A man is destined by nature to be in charge. And where, due to tradition, a woman is perceived almost as an inanimate being, male power degenerates into a primitive sense of ownership. And although it is usually more pleasant for a man to manipulate an attractive and intelligent woman than a colorless and resigned “thing,” an intelligent and sexy partner does not always want to obey him; she is quite capable of doing without his guidance. Therefore, her man is constantly tense, constantly afraid of losing power over this woman, that is, he is jealous.

Female jealousy arises where a woman manages to “twist” a man. And as soon as a subordinate man takes just a small step away from her, jealousy flares up in the woman’s soul. And if the conquest of a man was given to her at the cost of incredible efforts, then her jealousy will be terrible, since the fear of losing the power won with such difficulty is very strong. A woman who has suffered through the art of gradually managing her husband is unable to cope with the fact that her husband may momentarily get out of her control: what if there is a rival who is just as cunning?! But all this leads to the fact that it is jealousy that becomes the cause of betrayal. One spouse, crushed by the secret or obvious dictates of the other, begins to look for an outlet. A husband who is completely guided through life his own wife, may not realize that she controls him, but the subconscious feeling of his own powerlessness pushes him to find another - one who will appreciate the man in him - strong, powerful and invincible.

“Male infidelity mostly happens because the husband has an urgent need to prove his own male essence– and most often not in sexual, but in social terms,” says psychologist Nikolai Naritsyn. – Well, a woman, if her husband is the absolute dictator in the family, also strives to feel some kind of value. Because in such cases all you can expect from your spouse is: “Take it away, give it, bring it.” And the unhappy wife rushes into the arms of the first person who tells her that she is charming and beautiful..."
Based on Internet materials (izmen.net)

Scientists from Spain and the Netherlands have identified the main factors that awaken feelings of jealousy in men and women.

For men, the first place is the feeling of ownership towards a woman. If this feeling is infringed, the man begins to experience anxiety, the man becomes jealous. But men are also jealous of members of their own sex. This occurs under the condition that other men are more attractive in appearance, are taller or have higher material wealth.

“He is jealous, which means he loves,” some people believe. The jealous person's heart begins to beat faster and his blood pressure rises. But psychologists are sure that jealousy is not a proof of love, but a manifestation of a sense of ownership.

This is a destructive, destructive feeling. It begins with self-doubt, which gives rise to suspicion.
Both men and women are jealous. And what’s interesting is that ladies do this more often than men. It's all because of their excessive suspicion and rich imagination. According to psychologists, women more often suffer from self-doubt and self-doubt, which leads to uncertainty in their partner.

Another fact is that the vibes of jealousy are transmitted - if the wife is jealous, then soon the husband begins to be jealous.

Some men, following natural instinct, protect their territory, that is, a woman. He is pleased to realize that his woman is beautiful and desirable, but at the same time he got it.

What if jealousy is a normal state? This feeling does not leave alone, and the person begins to see betrayal in every action of the partner.

If your husband considers any man who passes by you as a rival, this is already an alarm signal. You should not think that a jealous person enjoys controlling and interrogating his partner. This is wrong. A jealous person thus torments not only those around him, but also himself. In essence, jealousy is mental illness, which is very difficult to hide. Sometimes it comes to the point that a person does not sleep at night, suffers from neuroses, and can develop serious cardiovascular diseases, which ultimately can develop into strokes and heart attacks.

A person sick with jealousy ceases to control himself. He either withdraws into himself or, on the contrary, becomes aggressive. In a fit of anger he can hit.

Jealousy can drive a person into a state of passion. He does not understand what he is doing, does not control himself and becomes socially dangerous. The condition when a man begins to threaten you, prohibits you from working and leaving the house, psychiatrists call delusions of jealousy. Very alarm signal when the husband starts playing detective. It happens that a husband calculates the time when his wife should return home, and a few minutes of delay can provoke a huge scandal.

It gets worse. The jealous person begins to feel that everyone is laughing at him and considering him a cuckold. Paranoia may even develop. The man begins to think that he is in danger. Only he doesn’t know which side.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of jealousy, but it is very difficult to get out of it. Living with a pathological jealous person is even worse than living with an alcoholic. If a drunkard can be brought out of a binge, then a jealous person cannot be brought to reason.

A woman has two options - either get a divorce or sacrifice herself to her husband. Always be close to him, no friends, personal space, your own interests and bright outfits.

Fortunately, there are not many such “furious Othellos”.

If you are accused of infidelity, you should talk to your partner and figure out the reasons. Perhaps there are no reasons for jealousy, you just show your loved one little attention.

Is in jealousy and positive side. It benefits the relationship when you start to grow apart and get bored. Then you can give a little reason to be jealous - and your loved one’s attention will immediately switch to you.

In order to renew your feelings and get an emotional shake-up, it is better to play jealousy. A slight feeling of jealousy, expressed in a playful form, is pleasant for us because it signals to us that we are important to our partner. The main thing is not to overplay, and then everything will be fine.

Love and jealousy very often coexist in relationships. It is wrong to combine them, love is love, and jealousy is jealousy. There can be a relationship with love and absolutely no jealousy, or with jealousy, but without love.

Everyone deals with jealousy differently. Some consider jealousy a sign of love, others - mistrust. Someone is sincerely convinced that “being jealous means loving.” However, is this really so?

Let's take a break from everything we've heard about jealousy. After all, all these phrases, opinions, beliefs regarding the connection between jealousy and love are, in essence, not ours. They were simply something we heard or read somewhere and once upon a time, and depending on who we heard them from and how much we trusted that person, we believed in what we heard.

If you abstract from any opinions regarding jealousy, stop thinking about whether jealousy is good or bad, mistrust or love, what it says and what jealousy means, is it worth being jealous at all, etc., then only pure sensations and a sober look will remain to the situation. And then you can ask yourself a couple of questions:

1. Do I enjoy being jealous?
   It can certainly be pleasant at first. However, over time, the pleasant becomes less and less. If someone is constantly jealous of you, it will create more and more more problems in a relationship, and one day the relationship will most likely collapse, or will be constantly tense and therefore not at all harmonious. Jealousy, if it doesn’t kill love, definitely ruins relationships.
2. Do I get pleasure when I'm jealous of someone?
   I highly doubt it. Jealousy is one of the vilest feelings, which not only creates constant worries, anxiety, suspicions, negative images and thoughts, irritation and generally poor health and mood, can also lead to various diseases.

So, do you think jealousy is good or bad? Should you be jealous? For me, the answer is obvious - not worth it. And one day I successfully got rid of my jealousy. And now there is harmony in my relationship.

Jealousy is the basis of such a feeling as falling in love. Jealousy is an indicator of interest in the person we are in love with. No jealousy - no interest, no love. The same applies to the person who is interested in us.

Jealousy is a sign of love, it is the art of causing oneself even more harm than others, it is the fear of the superiority of another person, a source of torment for the lover and resentment for the beloved. Jealousy always looks through a telescope that makes small objects big, suspicions into truths.

Therefore, jealousy shown by spouses should be moderate, not going beyond what is permitted by Sharia. According to Sharia, a husband should not suspiciously monitor his wife’s every move, be overly suspicious, or make groundless accusations, which destroys mutual trust and love, and introduces disharmony into the family.

Islam prohibits frequent expressions of suspicion. The Holy Qur'an says: (meaning): " O you who believe! Avoid frequent assumptions (speculation), because some assumptions (speculation) are sinful. Don't stalk [each other]..."(Surah Al-Hujurat, verse 12). It is also prohibited to spy, to spy on each other, which is usually a consequence of suspicion, and to look for people’s shortcomings, what is hidden from the eyes of strangers.

It is also prohibited to suspect or accuse a wife, close relatives of adultery, etc. without reason. The Righteous Caliph and Companion of the Prophet Muhammad(s.a.s.) Ali said: " Do not be overly jealous of your wife, otherwise her reputation will be discredited because of you.».

Passed on from words Abu Huraira that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “ Beware of evil thoughts (about people), for verily bad thoughts- these are the most deceitful words! Do not inquire, do not spy, do not inflate the price, do not envy each other, do not show hatred towards each other, do not turn your back on each other and be brothers, O servants of Allah!"(al-Bukhari)

It is necessary to adhere to moderation when it comes to jealousy, because moderate jealousy is not only necessary, but also commendable. A husband should not show his doubts about his wife’s fidelity or create scenes of jealousy over various trifles.

You cannot go beyond the bounds of reason by thinking badly about your wife, finding fault with her and tracking her down, because the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade husbands from finding faults with their wives. The Prophet (pbuh) forbade special checks on his wife, for example, suddenly appearing in the middle of the night, etc.

A man should not return home after a long absence at night, so that it does not appear as if he suspects his wife of something or is looking for her shortcomings.

Passed on from words Jabir ibn Abdullah that the Prophet (pbuh) said: “ If any of you will be absent (from home) for a long time, he should not return to his family at night"(al-Bukhari).

If the husband leaves in the morning and comes late at night every day, then there is nothing blameworthy in this, because they are waiting for him and know that he should come, just as if he announced in advance that he will arrive at night, since the hadith warns against a sudden arrival without warnings.

A woman should avoid other men and behave as modestly as possible with them. If she suddenly has to talk to them, she should lower her gaze and not be in a place that will arouse any suspicion. The husband must be jealous of his wife in her disregard of the prohibitions of Sharia. He should forbid her to go to vicious places where they commit indecent acts and debauchery.

The Prophet (pbuh) said: “ Verily, Allah is jealous and the Muslim is jealous. Allah is jealous that a believer does not do what Allah has forbidden him"(Muslim).

This means that a Muslim should be jealous in moderation (reasonably).

In an authentic hadith narrated from Abu Hurairah, it is reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said: “ Some manifestations of jealousy are loved by Allah, and others are hated by Allah; the same ones that Allah loves - when there are doubts for jealousy, the same ones that are hated [by Allah] - when there is no suspicion for jealousy"(Ibn Majah).

A man should not be alone with a woman unless he is her closest relative (mahram), and should not come to a woman whose husband is not at home.

WOMAN'S JEALOUSY

A woman cannot be completely free from jealousy, as this leads to indifference towards her husband, but she must take care of herself so that jealousy manifests itself in moderation and does not force her to commit actions that go beyond what is permitted by the Sharia, and does not arouse the wrath of the Almighty . Jealousy also manifested itself among the wives of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Mother of the Believers and wife of the Prophet (pbuh) Aisha told: “I was not jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (pbuh) as I was jealous of Khadija, although she died 3 years before he took me as his wife, because he constantly talked about her and often ordered to slaughter a sheep and divide it among people as alms in memory of Khadija. And I often told him: “It was as if there was no one in the world except Khadija!” But he answered me: “She was my wife and bore me a child.” (al-Bukhari). Aisha also said: “After Khadija’s death, her sister Challah, daughter Khuwaylida, asked permission to enter the Prophet (pbuh) (and her voice was very similar to the voice of Khadija (pbuh)), and it seemed to him that it was Khadija speaking, and he shuddered, and then said : “Oh my God, it’s Hala!” I, full of jealousy, exclaimed: “Why are you remembering the red-faced Quraysh old woman who died long ago! The Almighty gave you a better wife instead (meaning himself)”(al-Bukhari).

Although the wives of the Prophet (pbuh) showed their jealousy, this did not lead them to do anything beyond what was permitted by Shariah.

Magomed Magomedov, employee of the education department of the Muftiate of the Republic of Dagestan

True love does not tolerate strangers.

Erich Maria Remarque

The writer said wonderfully, but he did not take into account only one thing: almost all lovers live among people, and not on an inhabited island. It is almost impossible not to let them into your personal life. Even if lovers have closed themselves off from the whole world, people from the past, secret admirers, envious spiteful critics still get in on them. Therefore, love and jealousy always go hand in hand.

Where do the roots of jealousy come from?

Jealousy is well known to every person since childhood:

Mom and dad sat next to each other, hugging each other on the sofa - which means the child must sit between them.

The youngest child was born in the family and all the attention is on him - which means you have to throw a tantrum about it.

At kindergarten best friend started playing with another child, which means he needs to make fun of both of them.

Jealousy in childhood- This pure water selfishness. Therefore, when a person truly falls in love, the depth of his jealousy can be explained even from the point of view of psychology - this is, they say, the upbringing given:

“Everything is allowed to me, but you stay at home so that no one looks at you” - this is the height of selfishness and possessiveness. The man apparently grew up in “greenhouse” conditions among the lisp of his relatives, where he was not denied anything.

Suspicion, mistrust, jealousy of the past and of the “pillar” are a clear sign of some kind of grievance in childhood. This may be the same resentment towards parents for loving other, younger family members, or disrespect from peers in kindergarten and school.

Healthy jealousy, when the chosen one really cheats and is “caught” more than once, means that the person with his upbringing has everything in order. Parents explained to the child the reality of life and taught them to distinguish between what is good and what is bad.

When starting a love story with a new man, take an interest in his childhood. You will at least approximately know what to expect from him.

Why are lovers jealous of each other?

We have already found out where the roots of jealousy come from. It remains to be understood why this “tree” grows a crown and branches. After all, if a loved one is “not caught”, and does not give any reason at all, then where does the jealousy inside the “trunk” come from? Let's look at the three most common options.

Unjustified expectations

Most often, naive girls with rose-colored glasses fall into such networks of jealousy. People read fairy tales about a prince on a white horse, with whom you can live happily and die on the same day - so they imagine just such a fate for themselves.

Perhaps this is how their “fairy tale” begins: with bouquets of candies, a white dress and doves flown into the air. But the sweet period passes, life begins with its everyday life. It is no longer possible to stay side by side for 24 hours hand in hand with your beloved husband.

A child is born, she sits at home within four walls, and her husband goes to work. The ordeal begins in the soul: where is he, who is he with, why doesn’t he call? But as soon as he crosses the threshold of the house, the torture begins:

Where have you been? Don’t lie that you’re at work - I called you, you didn’t answer!

What kind of new employee do you have? Haven't you fallen in love with her?

What, have I gained weight? Are the girls at work prettier? Well, go to them!

He leaves. Just not to the girls, but just from home, so as not to hear her hysterics. Unfortunately, this is exactly what kills love - jealousy empty space out of stupid fear of losing his prince. And from love to hate, as you know, there is only one step.

Fear of being deceived

This is exactly the case of suspicion and speculation. In life, a person has not been particularly lucky - neither in friendship, nor in his career, and then suddenly such happiness - passionate love! But the habit of being a loser constantly alarms: something must be wrong, there is some kind of catch here.

In the most advanced cases, all these suspicions can take on an obsessive form. Like gambling in a casino - I will still achieve my goal and prove everything to everyone, no matter what it costs me! And it might be worth it real money, because some people even hire a detective to do surveillance!

If there are no reasons and the detective cannot prove anything, then the jealous person will come up with everything himself. That is, he will look for the reason in everything, torturing his chosen one:

Is your loved one sitting and dreaming about something? This means treason!

Spin around in front of the mirror for a long time, primping yourself? So he's going on a date!

Does anyone smile in company? So this is a rival!

A jealous person does not want to admit his tyranny, even if everyone points to it. He rather plays the role of a victim: everyone, they say, sees that my chosen one is cheating on me, they laugh behind my back, but I’m not a fool, I guessed everything a long time ago!

Baseless tyranny

Most neglected case selfishness and aggression. Reasons for jealousy are absolutely unnecessary here; they can be invented during an outbreak of rabies. And a real rival is also not necessary - you can be jealous of a former lover, a pet cat, a famous artist, or your favorite job.

The goal in this case is the same - to make your loved one your uncomplaining slave. So that he does not have his own opinion and environment. “Everything is allowed to me, but you stay at home so that no one looks at you” - this is exactly the case.

By the way, the jealous aggressor himself sometimes uses such scandals to cover up his infidelities on the side. As they say: “The best defense is an attack.” And here there is no need to defend yourself - he himself threw a hysteria out of jealousy, and he himself played the victim. But such jealousy can hardly be called love. If only sick with love.

Does being jealous mean loving?

Can jealousy be a sign of love? If she is not “infected” by tyranny and suspicion, then why not? Especially if the betrayal is obvious or at least a hint of it.

Well, let's imagine a situation.

A young family - husband and wife. Everything is fine in the relationship, complete harmony and trust. But one day they managed to get to a party where an impudent person was hanging around among the guests, hunting for men. Moreover, this lady stuck to our hero.

The wife hasn’t reacted yet: well, there’s some idiot hanging around with uterine rabies syndrome, but she doesn’t doubt her husband. And he is slightly drunk, his eyes are shining, he is flattered even by this young lady’s attention.

And she’s happy to try: she drags her husband to every slow dance, wriggling erotically and shaking her hair. The husband, of course, had an ancient instinct at work, and it would be awkward to somehow offend a woman. But should the wife endure this? Now he is this slut's dance partner, but then what to expect?

It is clear that everything is turning upside down in the wife’s soul:

She loves and trusts him, but the situation is already heating up because of this impudent lady.

He doesn’t do anything reprehensible, he just gallantly agrees to dance.

If you leave everything to chance, then alcohol and instinct will play their evil role.

The mood is spoiled, I would like to stay at the party, but I have to take my husband away, finally saying some caustic phrase to this cheap girl. The husband leaves dissatisfied, and in the morning he will have a light “debriefing” about yesterday.

So is it possible to accuse the wife of selfishness and suspicion in this regard? No, she loves her husband, and endured this sexual “foreplay” until the last moment. But at the same time her heart skipped a beat and her blood boiled in her veins. She didn’t throw hysterics with punches, but simply took her husband away, thereby preventing a possible accidental betrayal.

Is a love relationship without jealousy normal?

Well, if it’s completely without a bit of jealousy, then it’s unlikely.

After all, even platonic love Without sex, feelings of jealousy can also flare up. And even just friendship. And even without showdowns, scandals and showdowns. The pain in the soul from resentment is suffocating, and there is no escape from it. People are not robots, but you can’t order your heart. And the phrase “I can’t be jealous, even if I fall in love very much” can be said either by a completely indifferent person or by an incorrigible liar.

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her technique has helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.

If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.