We were here at the Darwin Museum. This is about evolution. The museum is excellent, but that’s not what we’re talking about now. There is a hall there where the emergence of man is shown. But we entered it from the wrong side and immediately saw a display window with a modern man (figure). He is presented in the kitchen, in clothes, sitting at the table and for some reason there is a pack of cigarettes in front of him. In my opinion, it’s stupid, but again that’s not what we’re talking about. A mother and her ten-year-old daughter walked next to us. The girl saw the cigarettes and asked: “What are the cigarettes for?” The mother melancholy replies that, probably, it would be possible not to do it, but this is typical for today. Then we all move on to the display cases where the ancient people are. The girl looks at the Neanderthal and screams: “How scary he is!”2 The mother also melancholy remarks: “But he didn’t smoke!”

An acquaintance of mine grew up as a frail, skinny and sickly boy, with colds, pneumonia, allergies, and incipient asthma. When the time came to enlist in the army, he, naturally, was not taken into combat units, but was sent to troops with “easier conditions of passage.” Stroybat. Good commanders provided treatment in the form of laying pipelines in Belarusian swamps, winter trips in the back and other pleasures. Now this big guy, 2 meters tall and weighing 100 kg, has not remembered what diseases are for 20 years.

I’m standing at an intersection (I’m standing with my feet!) and decided to call my wife. I'm dialing. Out of the corner of my eye I see the young woman’s phone ringing next to her and she put it to her ear. The wife is "out of reach." I lower my hand. At the same time, the blonde’s call rings. So she turns to me with the words: - Man! You just called me...

This was in the late nineties, when computers had not yet decorated (or disfigured) almost every home. At that time, my friend and I worked in trade - we sold books from a tray. We’re sitting, it’s the end of the day, there are no buyers, we’re bored. Sashka is leafing through some expensive autobiography in a glossy cover, and out of idleness she begins to read it. Ten minutes later he says indignantly:

Just imagine, the guy dropped out of Harvard and took up programming! If I were his parents, I would kill him!

I take the book from her, look at the author’s first and last name and carefully ask:

Sash, do you even know who Bill Gates is?

According to my friend. He studies at a Minsk university. It’s the end of the semester, but there is no test in physical education, and where can it come from when you haven’t been to more than one lesson. He and his classmate decided to bring the teacher a present in the form of a bottle of vodka (or two, I don’t remember exactly).

Well, they come to him, they say, to get a test, but anyway we are malicious non-attenders. He gives them no credit. They push him a bag, but he refuses - he says I don’t take bribes. Somehow they persuaded him, he took the record books. And he says, put the vodka in the cupboard. They open the cabinet, and there are already about thirty bottles there. And what sport can we talk about after this?

We have a guy at work. I’ll call him Mikhalych for camouflage, and given his age, this name suits him. So this Mikhalych is a big drinker, in the sense of not getting drunk like a pig, but consistently, little by little all day long. But, the most important thing is that all day and every day. For this purpose, he also has a flask, which he constantly replenishes and from which he sips with the same constantness. Well, if it’s a “corporate party” at work, then he’s the first regular at it. This was the case before the first of May. We gathered as a strong team to celebrate this event. Mikhalych is right there, as always, already on edge and with a glass. They slapped one at a time, his cell phone rang, a message arrived. He read it and began to groan, gasp and lament, well, we come to him, they say, what and how? His summary:

I gave my granddaughter a cell phone for her birthday. He's in my second grade, but he's just scary smart. It took me six months to figure out my pipe, but he mastered it in two days, although he has a cooler model. He knows and understands everything. And now look what he writes to me: “Grandpa, stop drinking, go home!” That's how he knows that I drink, maybe he's also a telepath?!

The employee told me. Morning. It’s not that early, but it’s still morning... The minibus takes her to work correctly and quickly enough. In the same minibus, a mother is taking a five-year-old child to kindergarten. The baby is capricious and makes noise throughout the entire minibus... Mom, to calm him down, says: “I’ll give you either an apple, or cookies, or candy, if you shut up. What do you choose?” To which the kid answers quite seriously: “I choose safe sex.”

My friend Katka told me. Stays at home. Phone ring. Picks up the phone: - Hello. From the tube: - Ugh!!! - and short beeps. Katka is confused. Half a minute later the call. Picks up the phone: - Hello. There: - Damn it!!! - and beeps. Katka is completely confused. Half a minute later the call. Picks up the phone: - Hello? From the receiver the voice of her friend:

Damn you!!! Katya, think about it, I want to call somewhere, but for the third time I’m dialing your number on autopilot!

A friend told me about her miniature pinscher dog (my daughter brought it from somewhere - now the parents are struggling with this misunderstanding). So here it is. She was walking down the street one day - and it was winter, frost, the little dog was freezing, whining and asking to be held. Well, what to do - she took it and put the dog under her fur coat in her bosom. From the outside and it is not noticeable that there is anything there at all.

He walks further, and a huge dog moves towards him - either a St. Bernard, or a Moscow watchdog. And, as soon as the friend of this dog caught up with her, her pot-bellied little thing pokes its muzzle out of its fur coat and barks deafeningly at the oncoming dog!

While he was turning his head in confusion, trying to figure out who dared to be so impudent, a friend slapped the pinscher in the face, pulled her fur coat and quickly ran forward, promising to severely punish someone for provocation.

I quote verbatim, to the last comma, from the website of the Ministry of Education of the Russian Federation. The question that students must answer, among others, while taking the test in the subject “sociology”:

"By being present at the concert of the satirist M. Zadornov, a person is a member...

Audiences

Aggregations

Social circle"

The other day I went to my sister’s for tea and found two of her friends there. They sat in front of the TV and drank tea with cookies. After searching for the right channel, my sister gets to the beginning of the movie “Troy”, and then one friend says:

Oh, Brad Pitt, he plays a dude here, what’s his name, well, he still has an Achilles heel!

I live in Kursk, about 30 years ago I heard this story from a taxi driver I knew...

I rise from the Central Market to Red Square and see the following picture: a huge man of about 30 years old is flying towards me from the mountain (there is a slope of 30 degrees), maneuvering among passers-by, and an angry traffic cop is rushing after him, holding his cap on his head, and this couple quickly disappears out of sight in the crowd... Later, quite by accident, from fellow taxi drivers, my acquaintance learned the background of this race and told me: it turns out that the above-mentioned 30-year-old comrade, chewing candy, crossed Red Square in the wrong place and at the suggestion of someone who appeared as from under the ground, a traffic policeman took out a paper ruble from his pocket to pay a fine. He spat on it and, with a flourish, stuck it to the traffic police officer’s forehead, after which, as they say, he “made his legs.” The law enforcement officer's resentment only intensified when the treasury note peeled from his forehead turned out to be actually a candy wrapper, which a conscientious pedestrian did not dare to throw in the city center on the street and put it in his pocket. And the chase began...

This happened during the time of the fight against drunkenness, probably 85-86. On New Year's Day, a big search was carried out in the F/F dormitory, looking for people who drank vodka. For this reason, everyone somehow tried to hide it. And just imagine the picture: the DND breaks into the room: the celebrants are sitting around the table, on the table is a large samovar, cakes, etc., in front of everyone is a tea cup and saucer, something is poured in the cup, and a pickled cucumber is on the saucer. Painting...

My 9-year-old son decided to go on a diet - limit flour and sweets. I held on all day, ate soup and main course. At night we turned off the light and went to bed with my husband, suddenly there was a wild roar in the kitchen, we jumped up, turned on the light... The son was standing, a dumpling in one hand, a roll in the other. I'm asking:

And how to understand this?!

The son sadly answers:

To understand and to forgive...

This was about 15 years ago. Then the Lada was quite a car and many people drove them. In the garage where my father had a “car space,” one of the local ladies parked her swallow-cherry nine at night. One day, when my father and I were just walking to our box, the lady was already getting into the car and driving away. I noticed that the back right door of her fret was not closed at all - apparently she had put something in and forgot that no one would close it. The most interesting thing happened at the gate of the garage complex. The door closed with a very loud slam, hitting the goal post. A woman with big eyes jumped out of the car and began to examine it, but found absolutely nothing; the door handle hit the beam, so the paint was not damaged. I’m sure madam didn’t even understand “what happened.” The owner, with a puzzled look on her face, got back behind the wheel and drove off. I wonder if she went to a car service center and complained about very strong banging noises from behind?

In the repeatedly Red Banner Baltic Fleet, according to the instructions, it was supposed to moor like this: the command “smallest back” is given and the ship slowly moors. For a self-respecting captain, mooring like this was considered “down.” The combat captain moored like this: the command was given “full back”, then, slightly short of sailing to the pier, “full forward” to reduce the speed, and “stop the car”. The ship stopped, covered in foam and under the admiring glances of the fans. At the same time, there was always a midshipman at the stern, who counted the distance to the shore and shouted it to the captain. One day a patrolman started to brake too late. Midshipman's monologue:

Seventy meters. Forty meters. Twenty meters. Ten meters. Hana! The sea is over.

I accidentally spilled tea in the cafe where I've been having lunch for a year. I splashed myself, wet the electronic book, so I wipe it off with napkins. The waitress saw and was worried...

Andrey! Can I give you a towel to dry the book?

Thank you! Let's! Only I'm not Andrey.

We do not care! We call you Andrey...

Wife says:

I think it will be very cold in winter. My son (1.5 years old) needs to buy finger paints.

I looked at her for a minute and thought that all the jokes about blondes are about my wife.

I ask:

Olya, cold winter and colors for my son - WHERE IS THE CONNECTION???

For the especially gifted: the winter will be cold, we won’t go for walks much, we’ll buy paints so that the child has something to do at home.

I couldn't find anything to answer...

I came across this problem: I decided to pour carburetor cleaner into the gas tank. And when I was pouring it, a retaining ring fell from the neck of the bottle into the tank. It's plastic, gasoline will probably corrode it!!! At first I tried to reach it with a bicycle spoke, but it turned out to be short and I accidentally dropped it into the tank. Then I tried to get the spoke out using a magnet: I took a larger magnet and lowered it into the necks of the BB. But I didn’t think about it and the magnet stuck to the wall of the tank from the inside. I started tugging, and the string became wet and rubbed against the edge of the magnet. In short, he also stayed with the gas tank, in order to pull out at least the magnet, I took the largest wrench that I could fit into the neck, in the hope that it would pick up the magnet. And he took a thick rope. But it turned out to be synthetic, and while I was catching the magnet, the gasoline corroded it.

So now the gas tank contains a ring, a magnet, a spoke and a wrench. Tell me how I can get all this out of there. I'm afraid to climb again. Maybe you can drive like this?

In the year 1989, two students of the Moscow Institute of Oil and Gas (MIOG) named after. THEM. Gubkin (now the State Academy of Oil and Gas named after the above-mentioned comrade) decided to make a joke on April 1 at the expense of their brothers. It happened in a hostel on the street. Butlerov (or maybe Volgin) late in the evening.

Were exquisite:

One ax

One board 5 cm thick.

One sweater

A certain amount of gouache is the color of arterial blood.

The first student ties the board to his back and puts on a sweater on top.

The second student thrusts an ax into the board through his sweater. The insertion site is generously doused with gouache.

The first student sprints toward the elevators and lies down on his stomach.

After a while, the doors of the arriving elevator open, a heart-rending female squeal is heard, the elevator doors close, the elevator leaves (as it turned out later, to the first floor, to call the police department on the topic “Who killed Uncle Fima?”).

The first student, delighted with the effect produced, gets up from the floor and moves to a higher floor and takes his original position. History repeats itself, only instead of squeals, full-fledged Russian expressions are heard. The one who uttered them also goes to call the police department.

At this time, the police, stunned by the first call, and even more stunned by the second, rushed to the hostel, where the excited crowd vied with each other screaming:

On the seventh floor there is a guy with an ax in his back!!!

No, on the twelfth!!!

What a twelfth! On the fifth!

Having still not figured out whether the entire hostel is littered with corpses, or whether there is only one corpse, but like that horse from the joke they drag it across the floors, the police make a Solomon decision: start from the top, from the 15th floor, and go down.

The moment of the opening of the elevator doors with the police coincided with the moment of the “installation of a corpse” at these very doors...

The final. The corpse earned a couple of bruises from a police baton and an order to expel him from the institute. His accomplice got off easier - only a severe reprimand with a written record.

My wife's niece, a lively three-year-old girl, recently pleased me once again...

She was invited to a friend’s birthday party, where a group of “animators” were invited. During the performances, the children were given “bags of goodness” and explained how to use them: after each good deed done, they must put a pea in the bag... The girl returned home, her mother, pointing to the bag, asked: “Oh, what’s so beautiful about you?” ? The daughter answers rudely (literally): “Throw out this nonsense!”

Quite a few years ago I worked in a company involved in the implementation of accounting programs at enterprises. At that time, computerization had not yet advanced as widely as it does now, and computers were new to many ordinary workers in these enterprises. This time our client was a food processing plant. We installed and configured the server, as well as several computers, naturally connected everything to the network, installed the necessary software on the computers, and first of all, accounting software. It cost them quite a lot back then, as the chief accountant told us with displeasure. Imagine our surprise when literally a couple of weeks later this same accountant called us and literally showered her with gratitude:

Oh, your system is so good, so good, thank you very much!

Please, we answer. - We are very glad if our software helped you save money.

It really helped! Our workers now think that computers take into account everything, literally every crumb. Now they are afraid to even take out a piece of bread. We have already paid for your entire system only through savings on products!..

Watermelon collapse. An elderly woman approaches the laid out watermelons and begins to choose. To do this, put your ear to the watermelon, and then knock on it with your fist. The owner of the watermelons is watching all this. On the sixth watermelon, he can’t stand it, he approaches the woman and says: “Don’t knock, the watermelon is fresh, there’s no one there.”

The perfect crime... Criminals in Warwick (Rhode Island) taped a note to an automatic night collection point through which overnight earnings were deposited at a local bank, saying that “the machine is faulty” and offered to put money into a box placed nearby. The swindlers who collected several thousand dollars overnight were never found.

To really enjoy this story, you need to imagine Rinatik. Former wrestler, bare (shaved) skull, height about 1.90, neck merges with back, and, naturally, Tatar. And the eyes are very kind. Rinatik, for all his attributes, has a lot of childishness in his character. For example, if he sees a string somewhere, he will definitely pull it. Well, we need to find out why it’s hanging here and what will happen if you pull it.

Now outpatient. Rinatik and I went to the restaurant. A very good restaurant, the staff is extremely well trained. That is, a towel over the handle, “whatever you want,” etc.

Well, having eaten and drunk, we headed to the cloakroom when the restaurant was already closing. And there, as a detail of the interior, hangs a ship’s bell, or, in sailor’s language, RYNDA. And since it’s hanging, you have to hit it, naturally.

But Rinatik, as I already reported, is a kind and delicate fellow, and cannot hit the bell without permission. And so he turns to the waiter running past:

Listen, can I hit the RYNDA?

The waiter makes a sad face at this and answers without hesitation:

Yes, in principle, you can, why not. But I have to go to work tomorrow...

That is, if it weren’t for his shift tomorrow, he was ready to get the RYNDA (“any whim for your money”).

Nastya (4.5 years old) and I are practicing on the floor (sculpting, drawing), I say, “It’s hard for me to squat,” she, “Well, if you want, you can do the splits!”

Somewhere in the eighties, some research institute received an order for a new helmet. And in the order there is a requirement that the helmet must withstand a shot from an SVD.

The engineers scratched their heads and came up with a miracle helmet, now known as the “sphere”, based on titanium alloys and with a frontal armor thickness of about 6 mm.

They began to test it: they fired from the SVD either at a dummy in a helmet, or at a person sentenced to death, or at something else.

The result is that the helmet didn’t give a damn, but the head flew off...

In the old days, the guys and I mocked the old ladies and housewives sitting in the yard. We recorded the sound of the Santa Barbara series starting. After that, the women jumped up, dropping everything in the world and rushing home so as not to miss their favorite series!

Once upon a time there lived a sailor. Since he was single, his friends gave him two hamsters. Soon it was time to go on a flight and the man became concerned about assigning hamsters to friends, who were flatly oblivious. He, a kind soul, thought for a long time and decided to leave them at home. He made a nest for them out of newspapers, bought food and clever feeders and drinkers, left the bathroom faucet dripping a teaspoon every hour just in case, put boards for them to climb in... It seemed like he had thought through everything to the smallest detail... Not everything ! He returns after 8 months, opens the door - everything wooden and paper in the apartment is in dust, and hundreds of one and a half or two joyful hamsters of different sizes rush towards him...

Only Russians understand

30 km ski race in Sapporo 1972. A story that is still passed down in legends there in Japan. Back then there were no mixed zones or press conferences, and journalists calmly wandered among the athletes right in the starting town. And suddenly, when a good half of the racers had already run away, snow began to fall. Thick, sticky. And Vyacheslav Vedenin, a minute before his start, began to smear his skis. And a local journalist who speaks Russian turned to him: they say, do you think it will help - it’s snowing?
What Vedenin answered him, only we in Russia understand. And in Japan the next day, newspapers came out with headlines: “Having said the magic word “Dahusim,” a Russian skier won the Olympics.”

Prankster

One businessman I know, for fun, dressed up as a half-homeless person for an evening meeting of classmates... No stink, of course, but a specific look. No one even pestered him with questions about his life, the women ignored him, and the men only poured out sympathetically, saying, look how fate, the villain, dealt with an excellent student...

But the guys experienced a real culture shock when, at the end of the evening, Bentley came to pick up the semi-homeless man... and leaving the waiter a hundred bucks as a tip, he asked: “Who is heading towards the airport? I can give you a lift.”

Elevator

Have any girls been stuck in an elevator for two hours with two unfamiliar cadets who had drunk heavily on beer?
It was a hot May evening, and my friend and I suddenly hung with these two between the fifth and sixth floors. At first it was funny, we got to know each other and had fun helping the guys scream for salvation. But the cadets screamed somehow sadly and somehow doomed. And suddenly they apologized and hinted about the after-beer problem.
We are smart girls: we turned away and began to snort into the corners of the elevator car. Judging by the sounds we heard, the technology was extremely simple. You can’t go on the floor (we’ll suffocate), so one cadet pressed the tight doors a little, and the second tried to get in. So the first one hit, and they switched roles. The second one also started to hit, but his friend’s fingers trembled, and he accidentally let go of the doors... Have you ever heard a cadet screaming in an elevator on a May evening? And how he jumps, how terribly the elevator shakes, what uninteresting words are said...
In general, while they were pressing the doors, my friend and I slid to the floor laughing and almost made a pee-pee ourselves... The elevator was turned on about three minutes after this terrible scream, which, apparently, was heard on the other side of the city by an elevator repairman...

“256”

I'm standing on a tram. Winter. Everyone is wearing outerwear. Wrapped up. I look at some guy with a backpack in front of me. On the backpack, literally hanging from the snot, there is a flash drive, and on it is written “256”. She literally beckons herself, beckons her to take her. My stop has arrived. I pulled off this flash drive without much effort and left. I came home, plugged it into my computer to see what was on it - and my entire system crashed, right down to formatting the hard drive and almost flashing the BIOS...
Now I took this wonderful flash drive, drew “257” on it, attached it to my backpack - so that I could easily pull it off - and every time I travel with it in public transport, waiting for another idiot to come along who wants it steal from me..."

Late for the lecture

One day I was late for a lecture on the stock market. Those. When I burst through the door, the teacher was already giving a full lecture:
– ...and among Russians they are small, short, but very active...

He saw me and stopped. Apparently there was slight confusion on my face, because I made a “come in” hand sign and continued the lecture:
– For those who are late, I remind you. We were talking here about trading futures contracts on Russian exchanges, and not at all about what made you blush.

We don't want to clean up!

United Air almost fired one cheerful steward who, when the plane landed and the ramp was handed over, could not think of anything smarter than to say over the speakerphone:
- .... whoever is last removes the plane!
This caused real panic among the passengers.

Everything is relative

In our third year we had a subject - the structure of matter. Chemists need it like a cow needs eggs, so they treated it rather coolly. Most managed to pass the test for free, but some especially gifted ones were unlucky. For example, two comrades studied, one of whom passed it seven times, and the second - 11 (eleven). When they took it for the seventh time, the session was already underway, and the sacred ceremony took place in the teacher’s lab.

The first one was interviewed quite quickly, went out into the corridor and began to wait for his partner. Suddenly the teacher leaves the room, notices the poor guy and says:
- Are you here now? Wonderful! Let's take a record! – gives credit and explains:
- You see, your friend is talking about such things that compared to him you are just Lomonosov!

Cute hedgehog

Today people at work started talking about all sorts of funny incidents with pets) And so our accountant told about his daughter’s beloved cat. Well, she has an adult daughter, married and lives separately) And somehow her friends gave her a toy, a furry, cute hedgehog, but if you press his belly he starts laughing)) And her healthy cat, three years old, not neutered, but the streets and free life in general, who had not sniffed the air, suddenly became inflamed with the most tender feelings for this hedgehog))) Moreover, with the need to demonstrate them to others, and the more people around, the better) In short, as soon as they have guests in the house, the cat drags his hedgehog and publicly fulfills his marital duty with him. And the hedgehog laughs homerically. I think you can imagine what happens to people watching this picture. Without even seeing it, I walk around and laugh indecently all day.

Greetings

During my punk youth, I was a “blond boy of eighteen.” Well, to be more precise, he’s very dark-skinned, his hair is below his shoulders and his clothes are jeans and a T-shirt – completely unisex. With a face that was barely touched by a razor. And then I returned one day from my birthday.
Well, how can punk come back from his birthday? Essssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, he was pretty “tipsy”. And in the barely dawning summer twilight, this miracle jumped out at me and presented its genitals. To which I, not at all surprised, silently presented mine. Probably, my young and alcohol-addled brain thought that this was a new way of greeting and it fit well into my informal life position
The pervert smelled himself and blew away with an offended exclamation... And I realized the events only the next morning.

Cemetery

Listen to the story. The terrible truth this time. Well, those who are not afraid - listen. And if anyone has nerves to hell, then, as written above, it is better to immediately leave the site’s stage. From Yaganovo to Leontyevo there are three kilometers of fields and a path. Of course, you can take the bus directly to the place, but Sanya loves this road,
by train, and then walk. Because he's a poet. He says that when he walks like this, slowly, across the field, God whispers poems into the top of his head.
And what? Quite. A couple of poems will go there. Back - half a poem. So in the summer he finds a collection, in the winter he publishes it, he sits and smokes. And the places are most picturesque, grace. Past the lake. Then a ravine, a bridge. On the right is the village churchyard, on the left, a little further away, is an old, destroyed church. Sanya, as a believer and generally close to the Lord, likes to stop by this abandoned church on the way. Stand under the high arches, look at the remains of paintings, think about the eternal.
Have a smoke.
Here you go. And then I went at the end of August, on the last train. I hadn’t been there for a long time before, maybe a month, but I didn’t calculate that the day had gone by a lot. I went to Yaganovo, it was almost midnight, pitch black as far as I could see. He shivered and went wherever he could. The road is well-trodden, you can just feel it. Moreover, there is still no way to return. Okay, he walks slowly, listens. Well, I mean, what if the little god hasn’t gone to bed yet, and now, despite the late hour, he’ll start dictating poems to him. So I got ready to take shorthand notes. But God take it instead, and as luck would have it, it rains!
And not just rain, but downpour!
And not just a downpour, but a thunderstorm! Last August thunderstorm. Unpleasant. Lightning flashes, the rain is cold, it’s squelching underfoot.
“Nothing,” Sanya thinks, “I’ll get to the church, hide, wait a little.” In the backpack there is a thermos with hot tea, a liter bottle of vodka as a gift to the owner, some food, so you can stay overnight and last a day, if necessary. And he speeds up his pace so as not to get completely wet. And now the fences of the churchyard began to be distinguished in the flashes of lightning. Here is the ravine, here is the bridge, and here the church is just a stone’s throw away.
And then suddenly - once! Trouble! Sanya hurried across the bridge, and the bridge – what a bridge, two logs. Slippery, dark. And just at that edge he slipped, and right into the ravine - splash! No, not even that. And like this. SLOPPP! Flat. And he slid down the hill. The slope is a stove-maker's dream, it's all clay.
Well, I somehow got out, not even the first time, covered in clay from head to toe. Got out, let's swear at God out of frustration. Why is there such a test instead of a poem? The god above gave him a lightning bolt for blasphemy, and added more rain. Sanya hands to feet, “Lord forgive me, save and preserve me,” and to the church, under the arches. He ran into the church, wiped the clay off his face with his sleeve, and caught his breath. And suddenly he looks - wow! In the far aisle there is light!!! Uneven, like from a fire. Sanya became alarmed and listened. The light sways, there are shadows on the walls, and voices! Yep!
Sanya is not a timid or superstitious guy, he grabbed the backpack in his hand and quietly walked into the light. Whatever evil spirits he thinks are there, everything is better than being back in the rain. He approaches quietly and sees a fire burning, a pot hanging over the fire, four peasants, looking rather ordinary, homeless, sitting on boxes next to the fire. There is a candle on the box between them, and some snacks are laid out. In the corner, shovels shine with sharp, sharpened blades.
Sanya felt better. Homeless people, not homeless people, but it’s clear that people make a living by digging graves in the cemetery. They worked for a day and rested. Well, they are also quite ordinary people, if you have the right approach, everything is better than evil spirits. And in what form Sanya himself was at that time, he was homeless compared to him and, in general, pure princes and princes-Elishes.
And Sanya decided to reveal himself to society. Moreover, having with you a weighty argument for dating in the form of a liter bottle of vodka. And then Sanya enters the circle of light, makes a friendly face through a thick layer of clay, and speaks affably in a voice slightly frozen in the wind.
– Greetings, good people! Let me warm up by your fire, otherwise I’m so chilled there, I have no strength!
The men turned to hear the voice, but instead of saying hello, they suddenly froze and their faces changed greatly! They looked at Sanya, fear flashed in their eyes, the hair on everyone’s heads began to move, one of them slowly began to slide off the box to the ground, no one could open their mouth. Sanya feels something is wrong. Something needs to be added to defuse the tension. Speaks.
- Don’t be afraid, guys, I’m with mine! – and holds out a bottle of vodka in front of him. “I’ll just sit there for a little while, until the first rooster crows, and then I’ll go home.” It’s raining there and it’s damp, brrrrr!
And then one of the men, either the eldest, or the bravest, earnestly making the sign of the cross at himself and at Sanya, stands up from his box and wheezes in a sepulchral voice:
– WHY DID YOU DUGG OUT THIS, YOU BASTARD???

I just adore my husband, he’s so brutal, pumped up, he works in the police. He behaves reservedly in front of everyone, but at home he kisses my toes, washes the dishes, the floors, he is very gentle and affectionate. She talks to me like I’m little, wondering if I’ve eaten. We've been together for 7 years. Who said there are no real men left? You just have to be eighteen years old to grab them)

My grandmother died of cancer 7 years ago, and my grandfather was with her until the very end. And he stayed to live in that house - he categorically refuses to move in with us, although there is a room here for him. And all the time he goes to his grandmother’s cemetery, which is across the street. He calls it “our grave” and sometimes we notice how he still talks to her photograph.

I fell asleep a long time ago at a guy’s house while he was working, and when he finished, he stroked my head for about 3 minutes until I woke up. I wake up with a smile, and he says in a gentle voice: “a hair from your mole has sprouted.” It's still a shame. Two years together.

Official work doesn’t bring in a lot of money - the position is an intern, so I work part-time in the evenings and on weekends. Small construction, repairs and the like. Sometimes I don’t work alone. We recently dismantled the old stove and installed gas. And I remembered my childhood. Oh my God. This smell! I feel like I’m 5-6 years old again, and I’m standing, hidden behind my grandmother’s stove, picking at this solution. Without palevo, I threw it into my mouth and then walked around for half a day enjoying this taste. Damn, that was amazing! :D

Metro. Escalator. A guy walking upstairs at a brisk pace. Then the girl he passed by starts yelling that he stole her phone. A superior man trips the guy, the guy falls and breaks his nose, blood, everything. In the end, he didn’t steal anything, and this fool just wanted to meet her.

My boyfriend writes to me on VK: “I went into the audio recordings of my log and found so many cool songs!” I’m already offended, I say “thank you, of course, that you like my songs, but I thought that I was nothing like that in bed.” It turned out he was talking about his old push-button telephone...

I woke up yesterday to the sound of murmurs. Gradually the realization came that this was not a stream, not a river, and I was lying in bed. I open my eyes and see my boyfriend, standing in the dark, peeing... On the rug. By the bed. After which he calmly went to bed and didn’t remember anything in the morning. I threw away the rug.

When I was 18, the situation reached the point of my parents' divorce. I always had a trusting relationship with my father. But Mom found out about my father’s betrayal and I was very angry with him. During the quarrels, it turned out that the parents had not been close for more than a year, that they had not lived as a family for a long time, that everything was bad. I completely sided with my mom and moved away from my dad. And only now, when I have my own family and relationships, I understand... A year without sex for a healthy man... She was waiting for flowers. And I feel like I betrayed the person closest to me.

A friend asked me to digitize my home archive. Mostly from the 90s. We haven't watched the tapes since then. On one of the tapes, our friend’s brother films himself having sex... Now we are thinking whether to digitize these episodes or not...

One of my grandmothers says that you need to get married 3 days before death, and the second one that if she had known how crap marriage is, she would never have gotten married and never given birth to children: D

The coolest gifts don't require a lot of money: two of my friends gave me a box covered with their x-rays, with the words “now you have a part of us.” And indeed, now I have a foot, a hand, a right lung of one and a left lung of the other. It remains to figure out who owns what))

I work in an ambulance. Yesterday a call came in, an elderly woman felt ill, she told the operator that she would not be able to get up and open the door for the brigade. When we arrived and started calling other apartments on the intercom, they answered us only the 4th time, and the cow on the other side of the receiver, after the doctor explained who he was and to whom, said: “In our house everyone feels good, those who feel bad, to that apartment and call!” And disconnected. Never opened the door.

I accidentally noticed that baby liquid soap for babies 0+ does an excellent job of removing makeup. Cheap, doesn't sting your eyes the first time.

My parents earn very good money. But it wasn’t always like this, before our family lived very poorly, and mom and dad worked hard to achieve their social status. Now, one of my mother’s favorite pastimes is shopping. But there is one detail. When going shopping, she dresses up almost like a homeless person. She really likes to watch the rich range of emotions on the faces of the saleswomen when she comes in like this, chooses, and then buys expensive things. Because it’s okay to judge by clothes.

I have two hairless cats. Sphinxes. They are very sociable and friendly, not only with me, but also with guests. One day a man came to me to fix a TV. The cats sit nearby, watch carefully, and purr something to him. Well, the man was surprised and said he had never seen such cats. He is about to leave, bends down to tie his shoelaces and then one cat jumps on his back (yes, they love this thing). I take the cat down and say: “You idiot, what are you doing?” And the man, without straightening up, answers: “I’m tying my shoelaces.”

Today I started thinking about whether any of my casual “acquaintances” remember me? It would be funny to receive notifications: “Today the guy with whom a year ago you talked all night in the vestibule of the train remembered you.” or “Today the girl whose hand you pinched in the door of the minibus was angry with you again.” who was driving you last week, told a friend an anecdote he heard from you.” If you think about how many traces we leave in the lives of strangers who are nearby.

It seems I have revealed the secret of soft male hands! ;) Last night I satisfied my man with my hand. Brought to orgasm. A little seed fell on the palms. I didn't wash it off anymore. In the morning, the skin on my hands is like a baby’s.

There was a case. During the lecture, a classmate fainted, straight from her chair to the floor. For a long time they could not bring us to our senses. The teacher became ill with her heart (the woman is only 50), and both were taken away in an ambulance. Result: the girl remained alive (she lost consciousness from a long hunger, she was losing weight like that), but our teacher died in the hospital due to a heart attack. She has three children, the youngest son is only 11 years old. It's been many years and it still hurts.

I work as a child psychologist. Yesterday I talked to a 4-year-old girl who jumped out of a 2nd floor window. She broke her leg and got a concussion, but she’s alive. Just because mom said she didn’t love her anymore because of the broken vase. Whaaack?! Baby, you're 4! Who taught you how to solve your problems THIS way?!

We bought a 4-room apartment in Moscow; we saved for a very long time. Having learned about this, the relatives sent their niece for a couple of months, she needs to do what she needs to do, she will find an apartment and move out immediately, they said. And what do you think, this miracle lives for 5 months, goes to school three times a week, and arranges its personal life the rest of the time. When asked by relatives when your child will move out, he received a surprised answer - “Why, you have a big apartment, let him live, she’s a fool to pay for rent.” So what should we do?

My husband is 30, young, healthy, fit. Good food, gym... And sex once a week, if you’re lucky... All sorts of conversations on the topic “I would like more often” come down to his “What are you doing with me, just because of sex?!” Of course not. No matter what I thought, he’s tired, maybe he has some problems, but he’s silent, maybe my sex is going nowhere, and yesterday I accidentally found impotence pills in his bag...

When I was lying with my son in a children's hospital, out of boredom I looked at photographs of doctors in the lobby. There were about 30 of them. In all the photos, the doctors smile gorgeously, and there are only two photos without a smile. The men are completely different in appearance, but with the same sad look that has seen a lot. Head of pediatric oncology and head of intensive care. I'll never forget this look

Yesterday I was driving home from work tired and got up for a test. If Yandex showed it in black, it would be this color. I’m standing in a traffic jam, there’s nothing to do, I turn my head, there’s a man in an Infinity smiling at me. I was not at a loss and decided to smile at him. Behind the Infiniti, a tinted window rolls down and there a wife and two children show me their fist. and I’m so ashamed... and we stand...

As a child, a friend bought a bike that was outlandish for those times, with speeds and shock absorbers, and I easily overtook him on my old Stork. So he shouted to me in tears then: “May you drive junk cars all your life! “Damn you, son of a bitch!” I serve on the oldest ship in the port, drive a prehistoric Zhiguli and work part-time on a dying ZiL. Know, dog, your curse works!

a story happened to me here. I installed an Internet banking application for my salary card on my smartphone. I got access, I log in. suddenly I see that instead of 30 thousand there are about 250 thousand in the account. I feverishly understand that the bank made a mistake, that I need to run to withdraw before they find out. I've already figured out what to spend it on. Only after 10 minutes did I realize that I had entered the demo version.  it was one of the saddest moments of my life :))))

My nieces really wanted a dog. Both parents were against it. I consoled her and said that those who really want will definitely get what they want. They couldn’t bear it, they went to the nursery secretly from their parents and adopted the dog. The parents were told that they found him frozen on the street. The parents accepted it anyway. But! A week later, while walking the dog, my niece and dad actually found a similar dog frozen in a snowdrift! breed (crested), only black, but they had a white one) now they live with 2 dogs)

Until I was 12, I kept a personal diary in the hope that when I grew up, I would make a film based on my life.

I live in a gated cottage community. On the first night, already after midnight, I suddenly heard a woman screaming far away. Very much so! Then again, closer. It was scary, I was worried, then again, getting closer and closer. I grab the phone, fly up to the window, just as the squeal is heard again. The street is empty, only a security guard is walking. I open the window to call out and suddenly I see that he raises his hand to his face and this heartbreaking screech is heard... Whistle! night patrol, they whistle so that we know that they are walking. HOW TO SLEEP???

My mom's story. My grandfather, a front-line soldier, grandfather Gosha, never talked about the war, although he was all wounded (for example, his jaw was torn out by a shrapnel). It is only known that in 1944, after having his jaw torn out and with a bullet wound in the chest, he returned home (I touched these “holes” with trepidation and sacred fear as a child). He was about 33 years old. Everyone was very glad that he returned and brought so many military awards to the house. But he never slept in the same bed with his grandmother again, because he “fought at night”: he shouted, “The Germans are Germans,” he cried, jumped up, and ran away. And so on until he was 75 years old. On one of these nights, which turned out to be his last, he jumped out of a 3rd floor window. He never told us about the war...

I'm walking through the yard. The entrance door opens, a guy comes out with two huge bags, a child in his arms, holding the second by the hand and almost in his teeth dragging a cage with some kind of living creature. Next comes, apparently, his wife with one handbag. An ordinary gray mouse, also a chubby one. We approached the car, he put the children in, unloaded the bags, opened the door for her, and only then did she deign to get in! Why do people like this get shitty men? I take care of myself, but there are only assholes on the horizon. Yes, this is a post of wild black envy!

From one office they call the system administrator on the road, they say, nothing works here, 1C does not work, there is no network, no Internet, in general, there is nothing... The administrator comes, looks at the server, asks:
- There was a server here, where is he?
Those:
- Which server?
Admin:
- This is where the server stood, where is it?
Those:
- Oh, so there was a computer here, no one was working on it, well, we gave it to an orphanage...

I went to take out the trash. I think I'll stand and smoke. A neighbor comes out, silently lights a cigarette, we stood with him in complete silence, he throws away his cigarette butt and says: “That’s such bullshit, Andryukha!”

In Kyiv, on the corner of Verkhniy Val and Mezhigorskaya streets, there is a company called EPOS, which recovers data from hard drives, flash drives, floppy disks, etc. And nearby, behind the fence, is the Podolsk regional police department.
The guardians of order shamelessly and freely used the computer brains and hands of the company’s specialists, and the company considered the regional department its “roof” from all the troubles that await businessmen in this God-offended country.
On a December day in 2001, a police chief with large stars on his shoulder straps walked into the office of the head of EPOS. He brought a hard drive and asked to restore secret official documents from the damaged disk. He even demanded a non-disclosure agreement from the director.
All the information was restored - 50 gigabytes of porn films, 10 gigabytes of the same pictures, 3 gigabytes of music, mostly chanson, and ONE SINGLE text file - a job application form.

I love my girlfriend. I texted her - I baked some pies, come and have some tea... And she responded - I can’t, I have to drive tomorrow!.. Iron logic!

An interesting story happened:
Having recently inherited 2 apartments located nearby (previously shared by my parents) on the fifth floor, I had my eye on the third and last one on the staircase. A few years later, I finally bought it; I couldn’t do it without loans, but that’s not the point. The entire fifth floor is mine - a pleasant feeling.
One Friday evening, there was a knock on the door: I opened it, three women stood with some literature and asked if I believed it, if I would like to listen to a certain text. In general, I politely send them away and close the door.
After a while there was a knock on the second door. And then I realized what was happening. I open it with a straight face, as if for the first time - the aunts look at each other, are lost in words, begin to look around and cross themselves. I laconicly send them there in a polite manner, and run to the third door, dying of laughter.
So what do you think? After a while they knock!! For some reason they knock :) I open it, I wanted to joke, and they, having thrown their waste paper, run down the stairs screaming, stuttering about something unclean, etc.
Now I’m waiting for postmen, census takers, and some other people. My wife and I wanted to remove the doors, now we’ll wait :)))))

My girlfriend has a cousin, Vasya, who is very young. One day, the mother of one of the girls from his group approached Vasya’s mother in kindergarten:
- My daughter peed herself because of your son!
- How could your daughter wet herself because of my son?!
- She saw him peeing while standing and decided to try it too!

I was just in a good mood. I walk around the office and sing: “Thirty-three cows, thirty-three cows...”.
And I’m the only guy in the team. The remaining 20 are women. I realized my mistake, but it was already too late. Offended...

One day, my family and I went to visit relatives. Everyone went into the entrance, but mom lingered in the car. By the way, we visited them once before.
So, going up the stairs, she mixed up the floor and opened the door of complete strangers (by some accident the door was not locked).
She came in...
I took off my shoes...
She headed to the kitchen (the layout is exactly the same) AND WENT IN THERE WITH THE WORDS: “Oooh, it smells like fried potatoes!”
Silent pause.
To say that the lunch people were stunned would be an understatement!

This morning on the Rossiya TV channel, the presenter, in a cheerful voice, spoke about all sorts of interesting events in the life of the country (such as an exhibition, a presentation, a show) and then, without changing her bravura tone, she issued the phrase:
- And soon many of our compatriots will be able to try the soldier’s menu.
I just started thinking that they had started some kind of patriotic show again, and she continued:
- This year more than 150,000 young Russians are subject to conscription.

Today I read a news report: “Dmitry Medvedev held meetings on labor protection in a chat,” I re-read it, it turns out he’s in Chita. Well, he's quite capable.

A wife and husband arrived at the supermarket. He stayed in the car while she went to get groceries. She didn't have enough money at the checkout. He leaves the store, and a gypsy woman is already standing by the car and asks her husband through the window for money for some bread. The wife pushes her aside with her shoulder: -
Move over! You can't do anything! Learn!
He puts his hand in the window:
- Give me five hundred rubles!
The husband, naturally, hands over the bill. Imagine the eyes of a gypsy...

Now that was a spectacle! The security guard called me to talk to “some workers.” Two men are looking for a broken 6 kV cable, which turns out to be running underground from the end of the office, right under the extension leading to the basement. But HOW do they “search”!!! They have a wooden stick about 1.6m long, they place it on the asphalt, and put the other end to their ear and listen. I was even taken aback at first by what kind of shamans they were.
It turns out that high-voltage discharges are supplied to the cable from the substation and micro-explosions occur at the break point. They listen to the sounds of these micro-explosions. With a stick. 21 century. The guys are certainly great, they are unique, the accuracy of determining the cliff is 20-30 cm, but I’m still sitting in prostration...

A few days ago, while walking my dachshund in the park, I saw a cool picture. About four meters from the path, someone took out and left a cardboard box with rags. I don’t know why or why, but a squirrel noticed the rags from this box and quickly began to carry them, apparently, to its house. I ran away once, I ran away twice, three...
But then a man with a stroller appears on the horizon, looking around with a predatory gaze, assessing what he could profit from... At this time, our worker, grabbing another piece of paper, rushed to the house. The man, approaching the box, examined it, but, apparently, decided not to gut it in a public place, but simply put it on the stroller, and slowly picked at it further.
The squirrel returned and did not see its box, looked around and noticed a man walking away with a stroller with that very box on it. Having uttered an incomprehensible cry, or a squeak, or something else, the squirrel rushed after the man, caught up, jumped onto the box, without ceasing to squeal something in its squirrel language. The man looked around and saw a squealing squirrel. The staring game lasted about a minute. I don’t know whether the man was fluent in squirrel language, or simply guessed that he had taken the wrong thing, but, smiling, he took the box off the stroller and put it aside from the path, and he moved on about his business. The squirrel instantly grabbed some rag from the box and immediately rushed off, apparently to finish building its house.

Our daughter is 2.5 years old. Looks almost like an angel. Unfortunately, he gets sick often - so we have worked out the algorithm of actions during illness to the point of automaticity. At night, when the child coughs again, the wife first tries to quickly lull her to sleep so that she can continue to sleep. If this doesn’t help, my task, as a dad, takes the child in his arms and walks around the apartment until she calms down and falls asleep.
But in the morning the reflexes are no longer the same, and therefore, when at 4 in the morning the daughter coughed again, the wife reacted belatedly and, approaching the crib, found a completely awake, offended child, who, looking gloomily at his mother, said:
-What are you staring at? Call dad, we'll rock.

My grandmother is a funny user - she learned to use the Internet (well, what do they need... all sorts of recipes, herbs, etc.), but she didn’t understand what it was. So, the other day I took her laptop from the village to clean it. She gave out a phrase that still leaves me in a stupor:
“You,” he says, “granddaughter, just don’t surf the Internet in your city through him, otherwise your Internet is dirty, there are so many viruses... not like we have in the village... It’s good, so clean, FRESH ...

I was somehow traveling on a full bus. Standing next to him is a tall, handsome guy of about 19 years old. Suddenly his phone rang. He picks up the phone (it would be better if he didn’t do this!) and says: “Great, I’m on the bus, my phone died, so I turned it on speakerphone. If there’s something urgent, speak up. Just please, no swearing and be quiet.” And then a man’s voice is heard from the speakers throughout the entire salon: “Hmm... Hello everyone! My name is Max, and this is my friend Lekha! His girlfriend hasn’t given him anything for six months now, because he’s an idiot!” The whole bus was just in a frenzy! The guy almost died of shame.

For some reason, before issuing a driver’s license, the traffic police asked my wife to provide a certificate stating that she was not pregnant. Well, it’s not customary to argue with the traffic police, and it’s useless. My wife went to the clinic and came back with a certificate. I read: “Citizen such and such (name, passport, series, number, issued at that time) is not pregnant. And further: “The certificate is valid for 3 years.” And you say - contraceptives.

This morning I heard on TV a feng shui expert broadcasting: “If you know where everything is in your disorder, then it is no longer a disorder, but your personal order.” League of Leni, feng shui with us!

We then lived next to the forest. One fine and quite ordinary morning, our neighbor Galina, as usual, went to work. What was unusual was that on the way she found a frozen squirrel on the ground (we never found out for what purpose she picked it up. Maybe for a stuffed animal, maybe for a collar, or according to the principle “anything goes on the farm”). In general, she took the squirrel home and went to work. By that time, the son was already at school, and the husband was returning from a business trip that day.

A couple of hours later, the boss looks into the department and tells us that Galkin’s husband is calling with some strange questions, asking if everything is okay with his wife, if we have noticed anything strange and asks to urgently send her home.

In general, that squirrel turned out to be not dead at all, but very much alive. I warmed up in the apartment and decided that she was the mistress here. And our Galya, to her misfortune, baked pancakes in the morning and left a note for her husband. Squirrel hung those pancakes all over the apartment to dry. She especially went to great lengths in the corridor on the moose antlers. Well, when the door to the apartment began to open, she hid.

Now imagine the state of your husband: he hasn’t been home for a week, he comes in, and there... PANCAKES EVERYWHERE and a note “Darling, this is for you!”

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