Relationships between people are at the core of human development. Love is the most intimate form of interpersonal relationships. In our time, the fear of relationships is not much less common than the fear of loneliness. Two sides of the same coin, the consequences of global individualization - the trend of Western society. A family consisting of one person is becoming more and more common in megacities.

There is a term - philophobia, meaning the fear of falling in love. It is this phobia that is often the foundation of the fear of creating close relationships. Moreover, a philophobe can have various characteristics, both external and internal. He can be both good-looking and physically handicapped, he can be a closed introvert, an eternal merry fellow and ringleader, a virgin, or he can have a lot of sexual relationships. What unites them is a pathological fear of a serious relationship.

Having burned themselves in milk, people tend to blow on water, so folk wisdom explains the fear of opening up, trusting another person after failures, betrayal and disappointments.

Common Causes

Many phobias, disorders, and problems in adulthood are based on some kind of childhood event. Philophobia is no exception. Among its reasons are the peculiarities of raising a child, and his observation of the relationship of parents, and personal complexes.

But the root cause of the fear of relationships in most cases is excessive idealization, which is also formed at an early age.

All children's fairy tales tell us about princes and princesses who are beautiful, smart, kind and combine a huge number of wonderful qualities.

Children grow up, absorbing the idea of ​​a fabulous life. After a collision with reality, many resign themselves, come to accept that no matter how wonderful your “princess” is, she also has a different mood, she can behave stupidly, look bad, and the beautiful “prince” can make mistakes, stay without work, get drunk with friends.

As for philophobes, they refuse to accept the reality that exists. They continue to believe in a fairy tale, and when they meet a real person who does not match the fantasy image, instead of saying goodbye to illusions, they say goodbye to the person. Subsequently, avoiding relationships in principle, because there are no real close relationships - there will be no reason to be disappointed if reality does not correspond to dreams.

And everything in life has a downside. For example, this idealization that we are talking about can be formed in a girl in a family where there was a very good father. His image becomes an unattainable ideal and she simply refuses to accept all normal men in her life, with their advantages and disadvantages, because they lose in comparison with their beloved daddy. A similar situation with the idealization of a mother can play a cruel joke on a boy in a relationship with a woman.

Fear of relationships with the opposite sex

Fear of close relationships is associated not only with childhood idealization, but also with a sense of loss of independence. Long-term relationships mean

• interaction;
• joint life;
• common goals and their achievement.

In any case, in order for two separate individuals to be able to make plans together, carry them out, live in the same territory, have sex, have children, it will be necessary to make compromises. The key to a good relationship is not to meet a person with exactly the same interests, habits, goals, etc. as you have, but the ability to accept a partner as he is, adjust without harming himself, find common ground and be able to resolve conflicts .

Philophobes tend to perceive relationships as bondage that should be avoided. This is due to the fact that they simply do not know how to build personal boundaries and all their close ties, indeed, resembled bondage. As soon as a philophobe falls in love, he becomes dependent on this person, which means vulnerable, so the fear of relationships is just a protective measure. Dependent relationships are bad, but in this case, you need to work on yourself in order to be able to build healthy, honest relationships, and not abandon them in principle.

Separately, it is important to talk about the complexes inherent in both the male and female sexes, which prevent the creation of close relationships. A person may consider himself unworthy of a good relationship and thus unconsciously spoil them. And then a causal chain starts: unsuccessful relationships → separation, disappointment → fear of creating new ones.

Note! Self-dislike and dissatisfaction with oneself is the basis for so many problems in human life.

Fear of a serious relationship in women

In one of the previous articles, we talked about androphobia, it is a fear of men that is mainly inherent in women. There we talked in detail about the causes of its occurrence. Fear of a serious relationship in women is often caused by similar reasons. Here may be the upbringing of a girl in a team of man-haters, and personally experienced a difficult parental divorce, and aggression from her father towards her and her mother.

The same may apply not to the father, but to the husband: his own divorce, betrayal, betrayal, beatings - experienced by the girl.

By the way, there is another term - intimophobia - this is the fear of the first sexual experience. If this fear is not overcome in time, this can doom a person to loneliness, due to the fact that close relationships sooner or later imply a transition to a sexual level.

Note! Fear of relationships can also develop after the first intimate experience, if it was unsuccessful, or the person considered it unsuccessful for any reason.

Consultant psychologist Boris Nikiforov talks about a girl's fear of starting a serious relationship with a man in his video

Fears of men in a relationship with a woman

As for intimate fears, this applies to men no less than to women. However, there are also fears characteristic of the stronger sex. This includes a total fear of responsibility and absolute infantilism inherent in many men. There are jokes among the people that the first forty years of childhood are the most difficult for men.

In every joke, there is some truth - not all men are in a hurry to grow up. For example, there is even a separate phobia - gamophobia - the fear of marriage. In fact, marriage is an official confirmation of the closest relationship. We will not discuss whether the “stamp” matters or not, but since such a phobia occurs, it means that for some people who avoid marriage, it still means something.

No one argues that relationships are, indeed, responsibility. However, in a healthy relationship, this responsibility is mutual and voluntary. Male psychology is still very jealous of the feeling of "freedom". At the same time, many completely refuse to accept the idea that, having entered into an alliance with a woman, this feeling can not be lost. And you can be alone and not feel free. All these are internal states, very indirectly related to external circumstances.

Fear of a new relationship after a breakup

Starting a new relationship is always scary. After all, only sincere relationships can be good, which means trusting someone. It is quite difficult to overcome the unconscious fear that haunts after a recent breakup. The fear that they will hurt you, that they will not justify your hopes, provokes philophobia. I am not in love with anyone, which means I am protected, no one can offend me. This position leads to loneliness and depression. A striking character is a birdie from the beloved Christmas comedy "Home Alone 2", an exaggerated image of a lonely woman who left only pigeons in her environment after experiencing pain in a relationship with a person.

Fear of a new relationship usually comes after a few setbacks. The most interesting thing is that this is more than natural, however, people are not always ready to take responsibility for failure. For example, a girl has some characteristic attitudes and behavioral patterns (templates). Her relationship falls apart on her initiative or a partner, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that she dives into new relationships without changing anything, all with the same set of behavioral strategies. And again a break. And so again and again. What does the girl think about it?

1. All men are the same! All goats. It's better to be alone.
2. What am I doing wrong?

If the first option is closer to you, then you should not be surprised that you will continue to come across "goats", or conscious loneliness. If you begin to suspect that if both Vasya, and Petya, and Syoma left, then maybe it’s not only about them, then there is hope!

How to get rid of the fear of relationships

To overcome the fear of relationships, you can only be aware of its presence. As we said above, taking responsibility for the failures in a relationship can work with the problem. As long as a person unconsciously runs away from love, or steps on the same rake, the problem will get worse. An important step is to accept the idea that if you are afraid for some reason, then you need to figure it out and get rid of the cause.

You see that there are a lot of prerequisites for the development of philophobia. In order to solve your individual problem, be sure to seek the help of a psychotherapist. The specialist will find out what exactly lies behind your fear: an inferiority complex, a fear of responsibility, or simply in your family you were not taught to love and accept love.

conclusions

For some people, relationships with the opposite sex are dangerous, as a result, they simply refuse to start them. The fear of losing freedom, trusting another person, taking responsibility for a partner - all this is terribly scary, especially after previous failures. To overcome philophobia, you need to be aware of your ability to influence the relationship to be warm, sincere, happy. Psychologists and psychotherapists work effectively with fear of relationships.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello, I am 20, I am a beautiful, versatile and intelligent girl, and I have never had a relationship with the opposite sex. And it's not that most of my friends have already had a relationship or are currently in a relationship and I envy them in some sense, the point is that I myself think that I'm already ready for this, and it doesn't work out. Although I think so and clearly feel attracted to guys - I seem to be afraid of falling in love and all that follows from this. I date guys - go on dates, text them, accept compliments and communicate openly - without feeling uncomfortable. I am never against intimacy (although I have never had it) - in short, this does not scare me, especially if I see that the person is good and I trust him. In practice, it's quite different. The fact is that as soon as I meet a guy, go on several dates and understand that he is interested in me, then I want to run and immediately stop communicating, avoid his SMS and calls, hide and not go anywhere. Moreover, he can even be sympathetic to me, and in my thoughts I have long dreamed of a serious relationship, but as soon as he takes my hand, he cripple me. I am pleased, but I don’t know how to react - there is a desire to just be silent and ignore, and then endure until the end of the meeting, come home, collapse on the sofa and dynamize it for several days until I leave. And I also get hurt by some little things that make me feel awkward, and mostly, these are some stupid things. For example, he somehow jokes stupidly - but I'm ashamed. Or lead to some strange cafe. Or to the point that he, as a normal, sorry, a person wants to use the toilet and offers to go to the shopping center. At this moment I am seized by such a feeling of disgust - you might think that he killed a person or did something terrible. I feel terribly ill and I can’t imagine myself next to this person - neither as a girl, nor as something more. I’m just walking and as if I already know that I won’t walk with him anymore, although the guy is good, polite and goes out of his way to please. Or he gives me three roses, they are already becoming lethargic while we are walking, and I feel awkward. In short, I seem to always find an excuse why I should not see this guy - every time something new. I don't feel comfortable, I don't feel safe or secure. I can't completely relax, like with my girlfriends. There is no desire to meet, communicate, and so on - this oppresses me, especially if he begins to show tenderness - to hug, send some hearts in messages, I will generally be like an idol. And I can’t understand the only thing: I’m either frigid, or something is wrong with the guys. I always don’t like something about them - either they write something illiterate, or they don’t give compliments, or they don’t drive back and forth. And I kind of understand that a person is a good one, but this muck doesn’t come out of my head. It's as if someone is deliberately inciting. I already ran away from two guys - they were cool, smart, hardworking, and I just almost cried, as I didn’t want to walk with them “not out of love” and simply refused. My mother tells me that I will remain an old maid at such a pace, my girlfriends themselves are already hinting that it’s time to find someone, and I myself don’t mind, after all. I just don’t know what is wrong with me and how to deal with this, with this fear, apparently. She prevents me from entering into any relationship, although I really want to be loved, I want attention, like any girl at this age. How to feel confident and understand what a person likes, not to run away from him headlong, as soon as some kind of shortcoming or an unpleasant trifle, not romantic, appears. Is it worth it to force yourself to go on a date with someone if you don’t fully understand whether you like him or not? What if no one likes you? It doesn’t happen in life that so many guys have already shown attention to me, all the good and cool ones could be like friends, but I can’t let my feelings splash out, I can’t afford to let go of the situation and enjoy how everything is going.

The psychologist Lobova Elena Alekseevna answers the question.

Hello Darya!

If you don’t like people, then you haven’t loved yet, or at least haven’t fallen in love. When a person is in love, he does not notice any features of his chosen one, yes, features, because we all have our own characteristics, it would be strange to call them shortcomings. A disadvantage is when something is missing, and if a person is somehow separated from others, then this is his peculiarity. And it is this zest that will distinguish him from the rest of the people. You will love. You still have ahead.

It’s not worth rushing even because of the fear of remaining an “old maid”, that is, with the goal of “if only not to remain an old maid”, now you need to exchange yourself for trifles, endure the attention of those who are unpleasant?

The question is: how comfortable will you be in the status of “no longer an old maid”? How will your life change, how will your attitude towards life change? And it’s not worth breaking yourself for the sake of the opinions of others. You seem to feel guilt and inferiority from the fact that “someone has it, but you don’t”, like getting a boyfriend is the same as buying a phone ... but with people everything is much easier if you are ready to accept them as they are ... and if something does not suit you in a person right away, then over the years your dissatisfaction will turn into irritability and disgust, and regret that you gave your life to the wrong person.

and all the experiences for what? to please your friends and mom?

and ask your mother how she is married ...? how to communicate with men, what should be done with them? in school we are taught anything but not to build relationships with ourselves and with people.

Yes, exactly, you should first accept yourself, and then learn how to effectively interact with people. You can first accept yourself, and then accept others. Only what is inside us resonates negatively in us and we strive to suppress it ...

and do not break yourself, but understand yourself.

If a person loves himself, he can calmly accept and give love to others. He does not have a block to accepting love, he does not think that he is not worthy of something. He simply accepts by his birthright.

To become interesting, you should become interesting for yourself, and then find people with the same interests and they will become interesting to you. And when you understand that there will be a conversation about nothing further - why continue and look for something in a person that will be the reason for your rejection. Look for a reason to justify your dislike for a person and you need to delve deeper and work on the topic. Don't depend on your friends. Do you think that your girlfriends are all cloudless? you should not rush and even more so envy.

That’s who you don’t envy, it’s a free housewife ... it would be something to envy and get married only if it’s really better for a husband than not married. Become "not an old maid" only if this new state will bring you satisfaction. The main thing is your personal comfort. Everything in this life is given to us for joy. I would like men to bring you into your life, only joy, and not experiences ...

It's wonderful that you listen to your feelings, only one thing worries me: perhaps, once you, unconsciously, being in a state of increased impressionability, forbade yourself to build communication with the opposite sex. You have forbidden yourself to feel joy and satisfaction from attention, and if you have a similar problem, you need to work it out with a specialist, the same can be done in matters of how to behave with the opposite sex. If you don’t know how, you can learn this and you need to start by listening to yourself, doing what your soul tells you at this moment in time ... follow the call of your heart ...

in any case do not rush.

you are afraid of the consequences because the Body itself and the Soul itself tell you that you don’t need consequences with this particular person, you don’t need to allow anyone you don’t love to touch you ... if you are just afraid to do something wrong and not right, again, you should work out your “internal censor” and you will understand that there are no rules in love.

The main thing is to love yourself and surrender to your feelings. You are too tight. You want to be loved, but you yourself are not ready to give love yet.

Perhaps you have a ban on being happy and free in a relationship. You will learn to express your desires, and not wait for a man to guess everything ...

It's better to work it out with a specialist.

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Relationship anxiety is one of the psychological problems associated with establishing trust and attachment. Man is so arranged that he simply cannot be happy alone. We all need to feel needed and needed. Success with the opposite sex instills in us a sense of self-confidence, gives satisfaction and joy. A new relationship is always an opportunity to look at yourself from a different perspective. However, not all people readily accept new relationships. Most often, they are driven by the fear of losing everything.

Fear of relationships with men

Fear of relationships is manifested in people of both sexes. However, women tend to be more dramatic about the situation. It is for this reason that they so often have a fear of intimate relationships with men. Serious relationships cannot be built without trust, without the ability to forget your doubts. Any new relationship plunges such representatives of the fair sex into despondency and depression. What causes fear of relationships? Do serious relationships need work on themselves?

Fear of repeating experience

Fear of relationships with men often grows out of negative experiences. If in the past a woman was constantly faced with disappointment, then she will look to the future with caution. No one wants to experience the negative echoes of the past again and again. Deception, betrayal - this is what any person seeks to avoid at any cost. No serious relationship is possible without overcoming painful situations, working through disturbing moments. The fear of repeating previous experiences with men generates additional fear and can create serious problems later. Fear is often so strong that it does not allow even timid steps towards the desired.

Fear of losing yourself

Any serious relationship implies that people need to learn to take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for their soul mate. A new relationship is always a risk that you will have to dissolve in a partner. Most people cannot remain indifferent to the needs of a loved one. At this stage, complications may arise. There is an additional fear of losing oneself, of losing one's individual space. Women who value personal freedom above all else are not very willing to enter into relationships with men precisely because they experience a colossal fear of losing control over the situation.

Fear of disappointment

Who among us does not make mistakes in life? Fear of relationships is often expressed in fear of serious disappointments. Many women have a negative experience of disappointment, when she had to overcome herself and crush the tender feeling of affection. It is the presence of this fear that further prevents building harmonious new relationships. An obsessive fear develops after one or two disappointments, and defeating it is not as easy as it seems at first glance. Serious obstacles to happiness can arise when fear grows to impressive proportions.

Fear of responsibility

Often the formation of new relationships is hindered by the fear of taking responsibility for someone else's fate and well-being. People are so accustomed to living in their own separate world that they do not want to bind themselves with any obligations once again. After all, it is much easier to live only for yourself, in accordance with personal needs and requirements. Fear of responsibility greatly interferes with the establishment of normal harmonious relationships, creates serious difficulties on the path to happiness.

Fear of being rejected

Most often, a woman's serious relationship is hampered by the fear of rejection. Unfortunately, unrequited feelings tend to be and happen with a certain frequency. Such experiences often cause psychological barriers to be created. Many people stop trusting life and see any serious relationship as a reason to be wary. The reason for thinking should be the situation when unhappy love is repeated from time to time, and there is no hope for improvement. Fear of rejection is a serious reason that does not allow you to build a sincere and lasting relationship.

How to overcome the fear of relationships

Any phobia needs to be dealt with. Only then will they cease to have a significant impact on our lives. How to overcome the fear of personal relationships? Let's try to figure it out!

Recognition of one's imperfections

None of us are perfect. Each person has his own specific circumstances, which from time to time dominate them. It makes absolutely no sense to blame yourself for all the troubles that have occurred. No matter how much you try to change the past, it will remain unchanged. Thinking about how to overcome the fear of a serious relationship, you should not forget about your own inner strength. Recognizing your imperfections will help you overcome your fear of a new relationship. Just accept the fact that you are a person who strives for happiness, but do not blame yourself for every mistake. When we accept ourselves, it becomes easier to build a relationship with a loved one. Refusing to condemn and resent, we begin to appreciate ourselves and our soulmate at their true worth.

Willingness to work on relationships

Finally, take full responsibility for everything that happens in your life! There is nothing worse than constantly living in memories of the past, because it cannot be changed. Only the present moment can be corrected. Only in today lies a truly unique opportunity for self-change. If you have a person who is really dear to you, accept interaction with him as a task that needs to be completed over a certain amount of time. Willingness to work on relationships is expressed in the formation of tolerance, sensitivity, responsiveness. Real feelings are always sincere, there is no place for deceit and falsehood in them.

Get Started

Only action can change your life for the better. There is no point in reveling in your negative experience, no matter how significant and unique it may seem. Such behavior will not lead to anything good. Identify your benefits, start from scratch. Allow yourself to err and make mistakes. Most importantly, do not give up and do not demand the impossible from yourself. You do not need to immediately become attached to the person with whom fate brings you. If you give yourself the necessary time, you will be able to understand whether your destiny is really in front of you or not.

Thus, fear is a serious obstacle to the creation of sincere and harmonious relationships. Only fruitful work on oneself will eliminate the syndrome of a recurring situation and help one come closer to creating true happiness.

Many girls have been dreaming of relationships with the opposite sex since the 5th grade. But there are those who are not too good with guys. Many consider any relationship vulgarity, stupidity or abomination. Many ladies openly declare that they are afraid of a relationship with a guy. It's hard to get out of this situation. But something needs to be done. Otherwise, you will be alone for the rest of your life. And your fear will destroy your future.

I'm afraid of relationships with guys at 14 and 15 years old

At this age, such fear is more the norm than a problem. Until recently, you yourself were a “boyfriend”, and you didn’t care about anything but lessons and cats. And here it is!!!

So you just need to listen to your heart. If you want to date someone, then date. If not, then it's not worth it.

But what about fear? So let him live on his own. Just don't go to him for advice.

Remember that everything in this life happens for the first time. And if you haven't had a relationship before, it doesn't mean that everything will go badly. Most girls start dating young people at this age. And they are all happy.

I'm afraid of relationships at 20 and 23 years old

This is a more serious problem. After all, the more you push guys away from you, the harder it will be for you. As a result, there is a risk of marrying anyone and ruin your life.

Look around. Even 13-year-old youngsters meet guys. What are you a grown woman to be afraid of here.

Remember that without error there is no truth. Don't be afraid to sleep or kiss someone. After all, princes do not come across the first time.

And don't listen to your parents. Of particular danger are those mothers who talk about marriage and virginity. It is because of them that old maids are born.

I'm afraid of relationships in terms of sex

“I would love to meet a guy, but I’m afraid that he will ask to see pussy.” You are familiar with this. So, you have a typical phobia of sexual relations.

In this case, it is worth understanding that:

• If you feel the need for sex, then it is not a sin or a crime;
• Your vagina is not a spaceship. It's made for sex. Don't idealize it;
• Come down to Earth. You are an ordinary girl. He is an ordinary guy. Sex between you is the norm;
• It doesn't hurt (like a mosquito bites). The sex would be bad. They wouldn't do it;
• There will be no consequences. Do not be afraid of illness and pregnancy. Protect yourself and move on.

But this does not mean that everyone should “give”. Fear of sex is dangerous only when it spoils your relationship with your loved one. In other situations, it can help.

Reasons for your fears

Before you give a celibate dinner, you should understand where everything came from. You may be afraid of a relationship with a guy because of:

1. Mom's bad experience;
2. Various stupid tales;
3. Neurosis, stress (quite often);
4. Delusions of grandeur (they are all lower beings);
5. Super shyness.

Find the root of the problem and fix it. Start with calmness and prudence. If you start thinking with your head, then all the difficulties will smooth out a little.

It is important to remember that all girls date guys. It's not bad, it's not scary and it's not vulgar. The main thing is that everything is within the bounds of decency. Then no one will tell you anything, and you will be happy.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! My name is Alina, I am 22 years old, and I have never had a long and serious relationship with guys. My maximum is a few dates and a couple of kisses. All the guys I fell in love with didn't want a relationship with me. There were several serious loves, I suffered and killed for these guys for a couple of years for each. The first one wanted intimacy, but I didn't. And the second one just talked to me, flirted, and then didn’t give a go to the relationship. And those who like me, no matter how I tried, did not sink into my heart. There were cases when I understood that the guy was good and forced myself to go on dates with him, but during them I was constantly afraid that no one would see us together, that the guy would not be too persistent and would not talk about his feelings. Sometimes I was embarrassed by the guy’s appearance, sometimes by the very fact that I was next to him. It all sounds crazy, but even when they took my hand and stroked it, I started to shake a little. I wanted to run and hide. Now a new boyfriend has appeared, but as with the previous ones, I can’t be with him, I just can’t. He says that he likes me, etc., but I do not believe and wait for the moment when everything turns out as I expected. I consider gifts, flowers, etc., to be a manifestation of love, and if a guy does not do this, it seems to me that he does not really need me. And the point here is not the material value of the gift, but the fact itself.

I have a bad relationship with my father, and I thought maybe that influenced me so much. He beat me up to 13 years old, insulted and humiliated me, but on the other hand, many girls were also beaten, and this did not affect their personal relationships. Now we communicate normally with him, he supports me and gives me money for everything I want, but there will be no really warm relations.

Sometimes I look at couples from the outside and I just can’t imagine myself in the place of a girl, how it is when you are taken care of, kissed, about intimacy is generally a separate conversation. I'm afraid of this, I'm afraid of ridicule after that, I'm afraid that the guy will leave me after that and tell everyone else that I can't do anything, etc. I'm afraid of getting infected. There are many thoughts and many fears, and I do not understand how to deal with it all.

The psychologist Platonova Olga Valerievna answers the question.

Hello Alina!

In your situation, there are a number of points that are useful to work on separately to remove the fear of relationships with guys, for example, when you write: “Sometimes I look at couples from the side and just can’t imagine myself in the place of a girl, how it is when you are taken care of "- thus, talk about self-doubt and inability to trust another person (either due to the wrong choice of a person, or due to your internal barriers, prohibitions, anxieties).

The ability to choose a partner and trust - it is important that relationships from short-term develop into long-term, serious ones.

I suggest that you aim for a long-term relationship by saying - "I've never had a long-term and serious relationship with guys."

It will be right to work with bodily clamps, for example, through bodily practices, massage, body-oriented therapy, where you will be taught to relax, trust yourself easily and comfortably, and therefore learn to enjoy physical touches. Is it possible to count on a good development of relations if the situation continues when you say: "... they took me and stroked my hand, it started to shake a little", "about intimacy is a separate conversation." Physical intimacy, trust in a person, the ability to get sexual pleasure - make the relationship complete.

Also, it is extremely important to tell your partner about what is valuable to you and find out what is significant for him in a relationship!

You say that gifts, flowers, etc. are a fact of showing love for you. Is this the only way to show love? What about the guys you dated? What united you? If the concept of manifestation of love is different, then is it possible to talk about the successful development of relationships? What are you ready to bring to the relationship and what needs of the partner are you ready to fulfill?

When choosing a guy, focus on the qualities, parameters by which you choose him. What type of guys are you wondering who you want to be with? What do you need to do to get the attention of these guys? What previously did not allow you to get closer, to start a relationship?

Over time, you have developed a certain experience and now you can draw the appropriate conclusions:

Why do you need a boyfriend and relationships in general (to receive gifts, for the sake of attention, communication, or others? - it is important that you clearly understand what you want. The wider your answer is, the clearer the picture of events).