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The three conditions for a long-term romantic relationship—an intense experience of love, sexual desire, and enduring emotional attachment—can seem out of reach. But it is rather a kind of negative illusion, maintained in us by society and culture.

Science says that "they lived a long time and died on the same day" romantic love is indeed possible. Despite high rates of divorce, infidelity and marital dissatisfaction around the world, things are not all that hopeless. Psychologist Daniel K. O'Leary and his team at the University of Illinois found 1 that 40% of couples who have been married for more than ten years admit that they still have passionate feelings for each other. In couples who have lived together for 30 years or more, 40% of women and 35% of men claim that they are still in love with their chosen ones.

40% of couples who have been married for more than ten years admit that they still have passionate feelings for each other

Well, these are just the results of polls, their participants are deceiving themselves and others, pessimists will shrug their shoulders. But in defense of eternal love come objective methods of research.

Psychoneurologist Bianco Acevedo of Stony Brook University and her colleagues 2 analyzed the activity of the brain regions responsible for falling in love in people who have been married for an average of 21 years and in those who have fallen in love more recently. Similar brain activity was observed in both groups, and in both cases, the brain centers of reward and motivation were involved. These findings suggest that not only can we love each other for years, we can fall in love with each other over and over again.

Our brains respond positively to long-term romantic relationships, says positive psychologist Adoree Durayappah-Harrison. “The key to finding long-term romantic love is understanding its scientific basis. Our brain perceives long-term passionate relationships as a "profitable" style of behavior. The “benefit” may be reduced levels of anxiety and stress, and feelings of security, peace and togetherness,” she says.

Interestingly, although the number of divorces today is much higher than in the past, long marriages are now much more likely to become not a social screen, but a true reflection of deep feelings between people. Marriage has ceased to be a necessary tool for survival. On the one hand, he has become more fragile, but, on the other hand, he is less likely to be a trap for one or both spouses.

Long-term alliances are much stronger today, but achieving happiness in marriage now requires much more work on yourself.

"Long-term alliances are much stronger today in terms of the satisfaction and well-being of their members," says Eli J. Finkel, professor of social psychology at Northwestern University. However, achieving happiness in marriage now requires much more personal effort and work on yourself.

“Because these days, expectations in marriage are not limited to basic human needs, the psychological payoff from long-term relationships has become much greater,” he notes. However, in order for them to last, each partner must devote a significant amount of time and energy to this relationship.

1 D. K. O'Leary et al. “Is long-term love more than a rare phenomenon? If so, what are its correlates?”, Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2012, no. 3(2).

2 B. P. Acevedo et al. "Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love", Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 2012.

But everyone goes through this and understands it in their own way. And at the moment when you realize that this is really love, you ask yourself: is it durable? Can we know if eternal love exists now?

There is a well-established opinion that love becomes obsolete, it fades with time. Yet there are examples of strong and long-term relationships. What connects these people? Respect for each other, habit, children - there can be many reasons. But they claim: "We love each other" both at 25 and at 65. The existence of eternal love now, as in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, cannot be proven. It needs to be felt and believed.

What is love in the modern world? The law and modern morality allows, and does not prohibit, to experience your feelings, there is a modern vision of love and relationships, which differs from the views of our parents, grandfathers, grandmothers. But at the same time, the value of this light feeling is falling.

Now eternal love is mostly just a dream. But to keep love, to warm it up in our power. Most often, we get used to a person, we believe that he will always be there. But love will not be eternal if it is not fed with attention, pleasant and romantic surprises and care for each other.

Many may think that there is no eternal love, but it is not. What is it - a gift or a purpose? The ability to love is an art that is not given to everyone. Unfortunately, we often mistake for love such feelings as falling in love, mutual attraction: they are bright, strong, passionate and beautiful. But they pass. And if after that, having recognized a person, with all his advantages and disadvantages, you say: "I love", only then these words about true love. It's hard in today's world to believe in love at first sight. We fall in love with an image, but we love a person, his heart, soul.

What is eternal love for modern man? Most likely it's just love. She is a rarity now. Priorities have changed: career, freedom, friends, entertainment - this should be present in our lives, but there is a line that cannot be crossed if you want strong relationships. Love is incompatible with selfishness. You need to respect your loved one, his opinion and views. Preserving and maintaining spark, brightness and passion is the basis of happiness.

Now eternal love is a little different from the one experienced in the 18th and 19th centuries, and it happens much less frequently. Maybe the attitude towards her has changed or the values ​​have changed - you can talk on this topic endlessly. But one thing will remain unchanged: love always appears in our lives unexpectedly. For some, it is tender and beautiful, for others it is passionate and bright, but all manifestations of true love are united by its depth and disinterestedness.

Does eternal love exist now? Most likely, it is, to each his own. True love has its companions, without which it becomes dull and passes: respect, mutual understanding, trust and fidelity.

Each of us, falling in love, wishes and hopes that this is for life, this is forever. But it doesn't always work out that way. Love is relationship. And only together can it be preserved and made eternal.

“Love is not a habit, not a compromise, not a doubt. This is not what romantic music teaches us. Love - is ... Without clarifications and definitions. Love and don't ask. Just love"(Paulo Coelho)

There are, as you know, a lot of definitions of love, and in each definition a person tries to put his own meaning, different from others and prompted by life itself and its own life experience. Few people imagine a happy life without this bright feeling, and a person often spends his whole life looking for the perfect love. Everyone has their own idea of ​​what love should be, however, obviously, everyone wants this feeling to live forever in the heart.

But is it possible to carry the feeling of love through life? Is it possible to love one person throughout your life and continue to love for many years as if only yesterday this wonderful feeling was born in your heart?

What is usually guided by people who say that it is impossible to love all your life? They say that it is impossible to maintain a feeling of love for a long time, because addiction gradually sets in, and people simply get used to the idea that the person who is nearby will always be there. Indeed, in many cases this is true, but this does not exclude the possibility that people can carry this feeling through their whole lives if their love is constantly nourished.

If people love each other, then it is only natural that they will want to do pleasant things for each other, arrange romantic surprises that will strengthen them in a sense of love for each other. A person, as you know, is the creator of his own destiny, and it is in his power to make sure that the feelings of him and his partner towards him last as long as possible.

Each person, as a rule, had a first crush and a first love (although there are people who simply cannot experience love). This feeling for each of us was so great and exciting that it is almost impossible to forget this feeling. Having fallen in love for the first time, we think that we will love this person all our lives and nothing can change that.

Very often, the first love is not mutual, and it gradually becomes dull, giving way to other events in our personal lives. However, is she completely forgotten? No, the first love is impossible to forget, and, as a rule, we carry this unique feeling through our whole lives. We often compare our subsequent partners with the only person we once loved (or maybe we still love?). Isn't our first love the love of a lifetime? In many cases this is true, but not always. One thing is clear - we are ready to carry the memory of our first love through our whole life.

How can we make sure that our love retains its unique freshness, if not for life, then for a very long time? First of all, one should not imitate love, namely love. If you initially love the person who is next to you, then you obviously do not need to make much effort in order for you to keep your feeling for a very long time. Just love each other and prove your love with deeds. Indeed, over time, deeds speak of love much more eloquently than just beautiful words, and this should always be remembered.

Prove your love to each other every day, every minute, and then you will be able to keep love for life. It depends only on us whether our feelings will be durable, and whether we will be able to carry them through our whole life. After all, love is not only sighs in the moonlight and passionate confessions, it is also much more!

You dream of eternal love. So that at first sight and until the last breath, and between them there is only solid romance and passion. In fact, for some reason, everything turns out differently. I don’t know if it’s realistic to create eternal love, but it’s definitely possible to create true and for life. Especially when you know the secrets of love.

Secret 1. Love is not a feeling, love is a building.

In the sense that it needs to be built. (Please do not confuse with "House 2").

We usually think that love exists on its own. She either exists or she doesn't. And what we experience at the beginning of a relationship will be with us throughout our lives. Alas, it is not. The euphoria of romantic dates is replaced by sleepless nights at the cradle. And violent passion imperceptibly gives way to conjugal duty.

Many couples skip the moment when this happens, allow themselves to relax and let their feelings and emotions take on a life of their own. But this can be avoided. It is only necessary to realize that that fragile and at the same time great miracle, which we call love, depends only on us.

So. You want to build a beautiful building of love. You will need: a clear plan + a lot of time + patience + good imagination + unlimited desire. Like that. Without this, true love, alas, is impossible.

Secret 2. Nobody owes anything to anyone.

How often do we forget about this and for some reason begin to think that if he loves, then he is obliged: to give flowers, take out the trash, bring money, etc. and so on. And then they start... You don't notice that your husband worked until late in the evening, and you only see that he didn't nail the shelf in the bathroom. And he, in turn, finds dust on the closet, completely ignoring that you cooked dinner before his arrival, worked out with the child and washed. Perceiving everything that we do in the family as a duty, we stop appreciating and thanking, and instead only reproach and criticize.

I look at my husband. Working three times less, he could live happily ever after, alone, without the hassle and problems. Instead, he takes care of me and the children: he walks with the youngest, meets the eldest from school, buys groceries, runs to the pharmacy in the middle of the night if someone is sick. Does he do all this because it is his duty? No, of course! Because he loves. And I am immensely grateful to him and always try to say this. And those little things that he does not have time to do around the house, in fact, there are little things unworthy of attention.

There can be no obligations in love. Maybe just a desire to make each other happier.

Secret #3: Opposites attract, but not for long.

Sooner or later, they start to annoy each other terribly. You are an owl, and he is a lark, you are pathologically clean, and he is terribly sloppy, you love animals, and he is sure that all stray dogs should be shot ... Probably, such relationships can be saved. But this will require so much patience, wisdom and willpower that the question arises, “Why?”

After all, the family should not be a source of irritation. Therefore, it is better to look at a person carefully at the stage of acquaintance, and not through the veil of physical desire. It will pass in a couple of years, and you still have to build a family with this man!

I once met a man who was incredibly active: he worked ten jobs, did everything in the world and managed to do a million things in a day. On the contrary, I like to sleep and dream. Imagine what hell our life together could be! Luckily, we didn't do that stupid thing!

In other words, do not rush at the first comer. It is better to choose a person "by yourself". The metaphor about a cauldron with its own lid is, of course, strange, but, in fact, true.

Secret 4. Love is a scale.

On one bowl - respect for oneself, on the other - respect for him. Only this way and nothing else. When one of the bowls outweighs, problems cannot be avoided. If you love him selflessly, that is, if you lose yourself, he inevitably becomes an egoist.

First, he wakes you up in the middle of the night so you can feed him because he gets hungry playing on the computer. Then he forgets to meet you from a business trip, and you get home alone with heavy bags. Then he quits his job, and you, in order to somehow support your family, come out of maternity leave, leaving a six-month-old child with your mother. Then he goes to work, but spends his entire salary in the casino. And you accept everything, forgive and endure. After all, "this is love", after all, "he is native." Deep down, you are even proud of your love and devotion, and you still hope that he will appreciate it. As a result, he begins to change or drink or beat.

Scenarios are different, but the result is the same. And all because love for him and love for yourself must always be in balance.

Secret 5. There is no place for pride in love.

Often married women describe their family life in this way: “I made repairs”, “I sent my child to school”, “I solved the issue with documents”. The word “I” is heard all the time, and very rarely “we”. Gradually it becomes a habit. You proudly talk about your achievements, forgetting about your loved one. You take on all the problems and worries and brilliantly solve them. At the same time, the spouse does not participate in the life of the family in any way, because you will do everything better.

And then a lonely divorced woman proudly and bitterly talks about how she worked all her life at three jobs, perfectly cooked, cleaned, embroidered, and her husband lay on the couch and eventually left for another. There is no place for pride in love, but there is a place for pride in one's family.

Secret 6. Only two happy people can be happy together.

Perhaps there are exceptions. After all, love is a great cure for suffering. However, this feeling is unlikely to last long. Few people will like the role of a lifeline, which should pull you out of the abyss of depression and solve all problems. Responsibility is too high, few people can do it.

Personally, I once fell in love helped overcome depression. Although not even falling in love, but pregnancy. Needless to say, this man quickly disappeared from my life. And all because before entering into a relationship, you need to solve your psychological problems, deal with self-esteem, find happiness in yourself and your life. Only then will you not desperately demand love, but will be able to give it.

Secret 7. There is no suffering in love.

When two desperately quarrel, fight and accuse each other of all mortal sins, and then make up in bed, this is not love, but passion. Pleasant, interesting, incredible, but it is unlikely that such a feeling will survive until the golden wedding. If the relationship brings you suffering, if you tremble over him, and he wipes his feet on you, this is not love. It is addiction. Like any form of addiction, it brings moments of euphoria and bliss, but then comes withdrawal. Need a new dose.

Unhappy love is also beautiful in its own way. It allows you to feel and experience the depth of human feelings. But true love does not know suffering, pain, jealousy...

Secrets of a Happy Relationship: Video

I wish you to unravel all the secrets of love and find harmony, peace and happiness.

If you have any secrets of your own, share them in the comments!

The question of the existence of love excites the minds of millions. Of course, most people believe that true love exists, because everyone has experienced it. Moreover, you can see it. It is well read in the eyes of lovers. The fire of passion and desire envelops the hearts of lovers, making them beat faster. So does true love exist, you ask? Everyone must find this answer for themselves.

Is there love at first sight

Love happens only at first sight. Thirty seconds is enough to fall in love with a person. This fact has been confirmed by scientists. During this time, you can easily have time to assess the appearance (figure, height, hair color ...) and the mindset of a person of the opposite sex. Many may object by saying that they knew their partner for several years and only then fell in love with each other. And this fact has an explanation. Our brain is constantly plotting us. You just might not be ready for this relationship or involved in others. Only when the consciousness fully processes the information stored in the subconscious that you like this person, only then is it possible to develop relationships and, of course, falling in love. That is why it can be argued that all love happens at first sight, and manifests itself only when a person is ready for it.

Love

Before a person can truly fall in love, he goes through a period of falling in love. This is an attraction that occurs at the hormonal level. Falling in love is accompanied by bright, passionate relationships, strong sexual attraction, increased emotionality and mood swings.

Is there everlasting love

Love cannot last forever. It has been proven that the feelings that lovers show are caused by an increase in the blood of the hormone dopamine and norepinephrine (norepinephrine). It is believed that love originates in the heart, but it is not. The primary source that emits these hormones is the brain, or rather its most ancient departments that have been preserved from our primitive ancestors.

Simultaneously with the increase in dopamine and adrenaline in the blood, the amount of serotonin (the hormone of pleasure) decreases. Lack of serotonin leads to a decrease in mood, which leads to associations that love causes suffering. An excess of adrenaline leads to increased inspiration and feelings of flight, lifting. Dopamine is the target hormone. He compels us to achieve the desired object.

However, the time of love is not eternal. A fact established by scientists says that the state of being in love lasts from 12 to 17 months. This period is quite enough to achieve reciprocity or to be refused. If love were eternal, it would burn happy couples in its flame and people would suffer from exhaustion, and rejected lovers would die from suffering.

In rare cases, falling in love can last up to three years. Most often this is manifested in people suffering from unrequited love. For happy lovers, nature has provided a mechanism that extinguishes the hot flame of passions, turning it into an even, moderate fire.

Period of stability

When the couple finally came together, love begins a new stage. Lovemaking produces oxytocin and vasopressin in the body - hormones of affection and tenderness. These substances in the body directly influence the production of offspring and the formation of an amazing relationship that binds mother and child.

It is oxytocin and vasopressin that are the antidote to love. They suppress the hormones of passion and at the same time increase the feeling of affection.

The attachment phase lasts exactly as long as it takes to bear and feed the child. This period is four years. After that, many relationships fall apart.

Couples who have been married for many years do not have a hormonal connection. Their feelings are based not on subconscious behavior laid down by our ancient ancestors, but on human relationships. It's a completely different feeling. How to call them is up to you. Whether friendship, or eternal love.