Family budget and psychology of relationships

Money appeared a long time ago, in those distant times when a man was considered the head of the family not only nominally, but also actually controlled all the property. But time is running, democracy is marching. Today, women, along with men, form the family budget. Along with this came problems. Now more and more often there are family conflicts related to money.
They say that loved ones swear - they just amuse themselves. But not everything is so simple in money matters. Such quarrels not only have a strong Negative influence on emotional atmosphere, but also really prevent the family from correctly distributing family budget, form financial goals and become a rich couple. Let's see where the legs of such problems “grow”, then we will better understand the nature of conflicts and try to avoid them.

Causes and nature of money conflicts in the family

It's rather the opposite here: the informality of a relationship is always a matter of trust between two people. It seems that people are together, but they are waiting for something. They can't make a decision. They are probably wondering whether they made the right choice or not? A kind of testing. Now tell me how you can resolve serious money issues if the relationship is still at the testing stage?

There are a lot of examples that can be given. For example, we decided to buy a dacha, a car, an apartment. To whom should I apply? We need to congratulate our parents and buy a gift. How much to spend? In such families, most often there is no single budget, so money for common things has to be financed by someone alone. Sooner or later, conflict will always arise. So, as the poet said, think for yourself, decide for yourself. Maybe you shouldn't wait and get married

What can you do in in this case? Nothing new has been invented here. A family needs mutual respect and understanding of each other. If this is not the case, nothing can be done! The issue is no longer about money. Money is like a litmus test for relationships.

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One of you is extremely careful with money, and the other instantly spends everything he earns? Our tips will help you restore understanding in your family.

Practicing psychologists admit that they are increasingly encountering a whole series of similar cases. In the last few years, couples who from the outside might seem simply ideal have been turning to them for help. These families are well off, they have wonderful children and wonderful opportunities, and they could be quite happy together, if not for one “but”: spouses constantly quarrel over money in the family.

Discussion of almost any issue about money causes them a storm of emotions and a lot of disagreements.

How much can you spend on vacation?

Is it necessary to save for children’s education now?

Should you take out a loan to buy a new car or wait until the apartment renovation is completed?

How much to give to children pocket money?

Is money in the family a constant source of disagreement?

Spouses who otherwise get along well with each other are pathologically unable to agree on issues of “money in the family.” Why is this happening?

First of all, because each of us has our own ideas about how and what we should spend money on. But until recently, it was not customary in our country to openly discuss money issues.

This was considered not quite decent even within the family, and we were not used to talking about money clearly, calmly and to the point. And if we don’t talk about this even with our closest people, then it may turn out that the financial preferences of our spouse become clear only after the wedding, and it turns out to be difficult to come to an agreement.

Should we tell each other the honest truth about our income and expenses? Or is there something better to keep to yourself?

Let's talk about how to discuss money issues in the family...

Money in the family: problem No. 1

You quite often conceal information from each other about the true volume of your expenses.

Solution

Of course, we are not talking about holding each other accountable for every bag of juice. But by and large, the more honest you and your husband are about money in the family, the easier it will be for you to help each other if something goes wrong.

It’s one thing if you have halved the price of the shoes you bought, it’s another thing if you, without even informing your husband, make a large purchase on credit.

And when it turns out that you can’t cope with the payments alone, then you find yourself in very unpleasant situation when you have to admit everything and ask for help.

If you find yourself in this situation, first of all find out exactly how much you still have to pay, what your interest rate is, and whether there is a penalty for early repayment of the loan.

Of course, your husband will be angry, upset, and hurt that you, secretly from him, allowed yourself to be drawn into such an adventure. But it's much easier for a man to tackle a problem when he has specific information and you need to provide it. And of course main advice for the future: the fewer financial secrets you have, the less likely it is that your relationship with your spouse will be damaged when the secret becomes clear.

Money in the family: problem No. 2

Your husband earns much more than you and therefore believes that he can decide everything himself, without your participation.

Solution

At first glance, it may seem that financial disagreements are at the root of this problem, but in fact This issue of money in the family is much broader.

In families where the husband earns much more than his wife, his sphere of influence is usually not limited to monetary issues: he strives to independently make decisions that affect other areas of life.

As a result, you find yourself in a subordinate position, this is what upsets you the most, and this is what you need to work on. “When talking with your husband,” the psychologist advises, “proceed from the fact that you are a family, you are partners, and therefore must make decisions together. If the husband decides everything on his own, he, in essence, acts as a loner, but you are a couple.”

Money in the family: problem No. 3

Your husband earns much more than you, but at the same time you divide your daily expenses exactly in half.

Solution

Ideally, you should discuss such issues before you start a joint household. But, if this did not happen, and the 50/50 division of expenses seems unfair to you, the issue should be brought up for discussion.

If spouses have a separate budget according to Western style, then it would be fair to divide everyday expenses in proportion to their salary.

It may very well be that the man is not fully aware of the fact that you spend almost all your money on your family. And for him such an amount is not too burdensome. To avoid being unfounded, show him receipts and invoices. As we have already said, men are much more successful in using accurate numbers and facts.

Money in the family: problem No. 4

When you started living together, your husband had temporary financial difficulties, but several years have passed since then, and the difficulties do not end, and you have to provide for your family.

Solution

This issue requires immediate discussion and resolution. If you are silent, the man thinks that everything is fine. And he is unlikely to change anything if for several years he has managed to live comfortably off the money you earn.

Most likely, you will have to clarify the essence of the problem and take its solution into your own hands.

The whole point here is what prevents a man from providing for his family. For example, if he has debts related to payments on loans for a car, he should think about selling it, paying off the loan early and looking for a more economical model.

If the problem is that he can't find suitable job, together select an employment agency and help write a resume.

The most important thing is to make it clear that you are not going to make money for two, but at the same time we are ready to provide all possible assistance in solving the problem.

Money in the family: problem No. 5

You want to have a common family budget, but your husband insists that everyone should be for themselves, “like in civilized countries.”

Solution

Yes, “in civilized countries” spouses quite often prefer to keep separate budgets, especially if they have children from previous marriages. But what is accepted in other countries does not always work here. Therefore, a man who wants to have his own money outside the family most often causes a lot of anxiety in his wife. Doesn't he trust me? Or doesn't want to stay with me for a long time? Or is our relationship not that important to him?

As a rule, this money issue- is really a matter of trust. And to understand why the situation is this way, you need to know about your husband's past.

Perhaps the first marriage ended in divorce and the scandalous division of property and your husband still remembers it with a shudder? Or is there something in your relationship with him that interferes with mutual trust? In any case, if you are not satisfied with a separate budget, this issue needs to be discussed.

Are there any conditions under which a spouse would change his point of view? Maybe he will agree to compromise first? For example, have a joint account for everyday and child-related expenses and separate accounts for everything else? Consider also that separate budgeting has its advantages: if each of you has your own money, you don’t have to report to your husband for when and what you spent.

Money in the family: problem No. 6

Your husband wants to invest family savings in mutual funds with high degree risk.

Solution

Perhaps you should consult a financial analyst to soberly assess the degree of risk. It may very well be that an investment that seems extremely risky to you is actually almost as safe as a bank deposit. But maybe not, and then it’s better to know for sure.

Men take financial risks much more easily. Women are much more careful in this regard - they would rather agree to keep money at home than be tempted by high interest rates from playing on the stock exchange.

If a financial analyst doesn't allay your concerns, consider asking divide your savings into two parts. Let one part be in an account in a reliable bank, and this will give you the necessary feeling of security. The second part can be invested in mutual funds, as your husband wants, but you need to be very responsible when choosing a fund, carefully check the history of its work and only then make a contribution.

Money in the family: problem No. 7

You have completely different ideas about how and what you should spend money on.

Solution

In this case, separate management of “family money” may be an excellent way out of the situation: This way you will stop arguing over little things and spoiling each other's mood. But when it comes to long-term planning, you will still have to agree; without this, it is quite difficult to live together under the same roof.

For example, if one of you spends money easily, and the other, on the contrary, is very frugal, try creating a spending plan.

Think about when you will be able to afford a seaside vacation or buy a car, calculate how much you can spend on it. Thus, it will be easier for a thrifty spouse to part with money if it is a planned and thoughtful expense. And the one who likes to spend will get what he wants.

Money in the family: problem No. 8

You quit your job to care for your child, but realized that you don't like being dependent on your husband for everything.

Solution

The birth of your first child always promises a lot of surprises, and not all of them can be called pleasant. You could hardly imagine that you would be so upset by the lack of work and, as a result, your own money.

It is for this reason that many women feel especially vulnerable.

First of all, you need to figure out what exactly is bothering you. That you need to ask your husband for money for every little thing? Or do you think that he underestimates your work?

As it were, The best decision in this situation it is fixed amount, which you receive once a month and can spend at your own discretion. Treat this like a business agreement. After all, if you weren't staying at home with your child, you would have to find a nanny and pay her a salary.

And if you are so concerned about this issue, and your husband does not understand your money hints, find yourself a job. Which is what I did as soon as the baby was 6 months old. And now I earn more than him, but this is another problem...

Whatever you say, paradise with your loved one in a hut will quickly lose its charm if it is not fueled by something material. To provide for themselves, spouses work, and the result of their work will affect not only themselves, but also relationships in the family. It has long been proven that only a financially secure woman who does not need to think about what to buy tights with, and a man who knows that he is able to provide for his family financially can be happy.

How to distribute financial questions in family? Which spouse should control in cash? Is it true that stereotypes that are firmly established in society can influence family relationships? How to build correct model behavior of spouses in money matters?

How does this happen most often? Traditional situations

In the average family, small financial problems, such as buying groceries, paying rent, resolving issues at school and hospital, the wife decides. In this case, it is believed that the husband brings her a salary, and large purchases they discuss together. Many people think this ideal model families where the man is the breadwinner, and the woman, accordingly, is the keeper of the home.

Recently in ordinary family Another model of financial relations between spouses is also flourishing. The man earns money, gives the woman some money for small needs and food, and decides larger issues himself. At the same time, a woman, especially if she is a housewife, has to beg for money for new clothes, and not only for herself, but also for her children. And the man, like a king, decides whether it is worth his wallet or not.

It also happens the other way around, when a woman works and a man runs the house, takes care of children, and solves minor problems. Today, for some reason, many men do not consider it shameful to live like this, but let’s leave this fact on their conscience. As a rule, in such a family a woman is in charge of financial affairs, but, like any other representative of the opposite sex, she wants stability and security from a man, and sometimes hands her husband the keys to the family piggy bank.

The best option has always been considered to be one in which there is enough money in the family, and the spouses trust each other, and both have the right to manage the money they earn.

What problems exist? How to cope?

Very often the biggest problem is the lack of financial resources. Resentment begins: the wife believes that the husband does not want to earn more, the husband - that the wife cannot spend less. Both of them do not understand that it is impossible to spend less than the minimum, just as it is impossible to earn more than you can.

Remember not to:

1. Blame your significant other for financial problems. If financial situation you are not satisfied, look for a way to earn money yourself. In addition to making money easier, your spouse will be proud of you.

2. Living beyond your means, namely spending more than you should. You may not be able to look fashionable this summer. It's okay, just be patient. next summer will appear more favorable. But you will keep the love.

3. Don’t drag yourself into a debt routine: loans, debts, etc. are evil for a person. It’s better to save money to buy something in six months.

First. Spend less than you earn ( those. your expenses).

Second. Save and/or invest the money that, as a result of following the first rule, remained in your arms.

Everything else they tell you about money is just an unnecessary complication of these rules. Let me tell you right away that buying a TV, a car and gold jewelry is not an investment. It often takes quite a long time to explain these banal truths to some people.

So let's take a look simple steps, which will help you improve your financial situation and become a wealthy person over time.

1. Organize your desires

I want to go on vacation. The child needs braces. I want big plasma TV. You need to pay rent. Want new car (cooler than the neighbor's). I want to eat ( 3−5 times a day).

Do you understand the meaning?

Pay attention to what you spend your money on. Ask yourself - is this what you need, or is this what you just want?

Only by sorting it all out on the shelves can you protect yourself from buying everything in a row, those. spending all the money you have now - then how will you make investments?

2. Reduce monthly expenses

Have you received an internet bill? For the phone? Other accounts? Stack your bills and start calling all these companies. Ask them how you can lower your monthly payment or get a discount. Take every chance you can to reduce these costs.

Clue : if you have been using this or that service for a long time, then they will always meet you halfway. If they don’t, then feel free to change such an intractable service provider. Now is the time buyer, not the seller!

3. Reduce interest payments

If you have credit, especially if it's credit card debt ( or microcredit - such as quick credit), then you ( a-priory) pay too high interest rates.

It doesn’t matter what the interest rate is today - it can always be lowered, and by much!

What you should do:

Contact your bank and ask to lower the rate on your loan. If they suddenly refuse you, you can mention their closest competitor, who is ready to offer you much better conditions.

If this doesn't help, just find another the bank that will offer you better conditions. There are now dozens, if not hundreds, of these.

4. Save and set aside $1,000
If you do not have a reserve of money, then any unexpected expenditure ( a toothache, an accident happened, a faucet leaked, the children had to be sent to camp, they slipped...) becomes an emergency for your family budget.

How to “lay the straw” correctly?

But if you are ready for this, then the problem can be solved without much effort. Do everything you need to do - save and save ( better on a bank deposit) money to create your own " financial cushion" And under no circumstances touch them! Only in exceptional situations!

5. Use the money collected as a result of completing 1-4 points to repay existing loans early

This will give you a lot strong feeling pride in oneself beloved (y). And, in turn, will reduce your monthly expenses.

6. Write down all your income/expenses

This will allow you to clearly see your financial success- in the form of the exact amount of money returned to the family budget.

7. Start working on the side

In your free time from work, start making money by selling your knowledge and experience. Become a freelancer - it's fashionable now! And it’s very simple, thanks to the widespread penetration of the Internet.

Think for a moment: What will you do first on this list? What are you already doing?

Good afternoon. We lived with my husband for 8 years, our child is 4 years old. IN Lately The issue of financial distribution became acute.
The husband was never greedy, but he always managed the budget. In principle, this suited me, because... I for a long time I was on maternity leave, and the main expenses were on it. Now I’m back at work, my parents help us a little. By the way, I earn the same as my husband. Expenses grow with the child, but my husband is used to the fact that I don’t really need anything (I stayed at home), and the child is allocated an amount that is much less than that which he needs. He does not deny himself anything. Due to his extravagance, at the end of each month we have absolutely no money, not even for bread. This began to frankly stress me out, and I began to wonder where our finances were going, to which I received the answer that I was sticking my nose into someone else’s business.
After preliminary calculations, it turned out that almost everything is spent on food, which my husband eats, and we are left with some crumbs. The rest is taken by medicines, utilities, etc.
My husband reacted sharply to my proposal to divide the budget; according to him, my job is to cook borscht, and not to meddle in finances.
I'm not stupid, I have higher education, at 30 I look 23-25. I’m not a downtrodden girl from the village, I don’t know how I got to the point where I can’t get a word in edgewise in my family.
It’s impossible to sit down and count expenses - my husband freaks out, we quarrel, and that’s where it all ends. Tell me how to get out of this situation. I don’t want to divide the money, quarrel over these pennies, but I no longer intend to give him everything. He doesn’t know how to save money, and I can’t explain to my child that I’ll buy lollipops in a week. Help, please.

Hello Margarita.

You spent 8 years building a relationship with a person. Now you want someone from the outside, without knowing you at all, without knowing your husband, to give you advice on what to do. Relationships are the most difficult and most important thing in a person’s life. And there are simply no standard recipes for “how to deal with this situation.” This situation so multifaceted that it defies simple recommendations.

From your message I got the feeling that your communication with your husband and mutual understanding are difficult - and this, in my opinion, is the most the main task, requiring a solution.

Your words:

Margarita

He does not deny himself anything.

Margarita

Due to his extravagance

Margarita

almost everything is spent on food, which my husband eats, and we are left with some crumbs

Margarita

I no longer intend to give him everything

Indicates your attitude towards him as an unreasonable, selfish, immature, irresponsible person. The words contain irritation, disdain and anger towards your husband. Think about it, maybe there is something in this?
The same as his words addressed to you:

Margarita

to which I received the answer that I was sticking my nose into someone else’s business.

Margarita

according to him, my job is to cook borscht, and not to get involved in finances.

Based on which it can be assumed that either you told him about your experiences in a form that he could not accept from you, and with these words he put you in your place. Or he really believes that you do not have the right to vote in resolving such issues.

Margarita

I’m not stupid, I have a higher education, at 30 I look 23-25.

You know, this says absolutely nothing about the ability to build harmonious relationships doesn't have any effect. After all, the question is not related to your professional knowledge and not to your appearance, but to the ability to build relationships.

Margarita

I'm not a downtrodden girl from the village, how did I get to this point in my family?

Maybe you don't know how to insert it correctly? Men do not accept moralizing, claims and demands from women. They perceive any aggression on the part of a woman as hostile and only leads to retaliatory aggression. If you want to convey something to your man, learn to do it gently, not intrusively and in the form of a proposal, without insisting too much and leaving the decision up to him. It is important to convey your desires and needs, and not blame him for what you don’t have.

You are asking:

Margarita

Tell me how to get out of this situation.

Analyze your relationships. It is best to work with a psychologist. Because we often don’t see any qualities in ourselves that interfere with communication and solving certain problems. We see only another problem. But this doesn't help in any way urgent question. Only by changing ourselves can we change the situation. Can't change anything else. But when you begin to change, then the other one, with a high degree of probability, will not remain standing still.

Maybe this situation is just a reason to look deep into yourself, a reason to realize your relationship with your husband and move it to another level?

Sincerely, Your psychologist, Elizaveta KritskayaSt. Petersburg

Margarita, good afternoon.

Finance is a topic of power struggle in the family. Which for 8 years was distributed in one way in your family, and now you are trying to distribute it differently.

Margarita

I’m not stupid, I have a higher education, at 30 I look 23-25. I’m not a downtrodden girl from the village, I don’t know how I got to the point where I can’t get a word in edgewise in my family.

Margarita, it’s really unknown what was happening in your relationship that you agreed to a sharp decline in status as a couple. Now you are trying to “win him back” and are very angry that your husband won’t just give him away. Why would you give it to him?

The last phrase is a request to work with a psychologist. What happened in your relationship that made you, as an adult, an independent person, you stopped being able to get a word in, you gave your husband all the control over your life.

If we examine this process of your loss of independence, what contribution and, most importantly, for the implementation of what unconscious task, you yourself make in order to give control over own life to another person, a husband, then there will be an opportunity to change the situation.

If you are ready for such a study, I invite you to a Skype consultation.

Sincerely, your psychologist Irina Rozanova, St. Petersburg