Question to a psychologist

Hello, I have a rather difficult life situation that has been going on for almost half a year and still will not reach its logical conclusion.
I am 23 years old and have been dating a young man of my age for the last 5 years. We studied together, now we work. Relations are very deep, warm and dear. Both try to analyze all problems, to find solutions suitable for both. We always understood that relationships require work and were ready to do a lot for them. Over the past 5 years, we have experienced stages of falling in love, passion, a very deep and tender friendship, there were quarrels and moments of cooling to each other, but everything passed. Over the years, they have never been offended by each other for more than 2 days. There is no one closer to each other and never was. However, half a year ago we faced a problem that we could not solve.
I fell in love with another young man, the feeling was mutual. Why he attracted my attention and what caused the passion between us, is now clear to me. My young man and I are very purposeful, ambitious people, we constantly develop in career matters and try to be ahead of everyone. There was absolutely no creativity in our life, and the mind and firm calculation have always been more important than emotions. The young man who appeared was not like that at all. This is a creative person who looks at life in a completely different way. He turned my perception of the world and people upside down. I learned not just to fly through life to goals with thoughts “I’ll get a promotion, I’ll go to Europe, I’ll buy a car”, but to live now at a particular moment - to pay attention to my feelings and emotions, to stop and enjoy not only grandiose accomplishments, but also ordinary things. I really liked it, I began to develop these skills in myself - listen to sounds, admire beautiful things, shapes, colors, pay attention to the taste of food, etc.
This man and I opened new facets of life for each other, we were very attracted to each other. We began to secretly communicate, meet. However, the thought that here in this city and in general in our current lives we will be together as a couple did not visit any of us. We did not aspire to this, did not consider it possible. We are very similar, but our core values ​​and outlook on life diverge. Our lifestyles brought the missing features into each other, but no one wanted to radically change their lives - we are comfortable in our lives with our values.
My young man found out about this connection, we tried to solve this situation together with him, but I can’t. I don’t want and didn’t want to be with that guy, I’m uncomfortable with him in ordinary life, but the problem turned out to be in hugs, touches and kisses. It's hard for me to describe in words what happens to us when we touch or kiss. I have never experienced such crazy feelings even in the early stages of the biggest and most serious loves. He also. We cannot leave each other and forget because of this. It's like a drug. I was hoping it would go away with time, but nothing has changed. I tried to radically resolve the issue - to completely delete it from my life, to exclude any contacts, but I cannot get rid of those feelings. I clearly feel these crazy sensations, I feel his touches, kisses and everything connected with it. We managed not to see each other for a month and a half, then we can’t stand it and rush to each other, spend several hours in hugs and kisses, go crazy with them. I want to get out of this, but I can't. With each other, we both do not represent ourselves.
It's very difficult to describe. I used to feel good with men, I experienced passion, desire for intimacy, attraction, excitement, but it was completely different. The brain did not turn off, the world did not fly away. I often come across various tips on improving and diversifying my sex life, which include all sorts of methods for arousing sexual desire and arousal. Those feelings that I experienced earlier were from some such area - sexual desire caused by kisses, hugs, some hints, pictures, etc. What I experience with this young man is completely different from such ordinary sensations. One touch of the hands is enough to make the whole body tremble.
What causes these feelings in a person? Why can you be in love and just experience sexual attraction and pleasure from sexual relations, or you can tremble all over from every touch and “fly away” from kisses?
How to overcome this attraction? We will not be happy together and I really want to restore a full-fledged relationship with my beloved, but I can not overcome this attraction =(

Psychologists Answers

Hello Sofia!

You told a very beautiful story, but, alas, it is often repeated in this world. And that's why:

1. Women are more emotional than men, and often would like to see in their partners emotional, creative, bright, sensual people capable of "big, good nonsense" - but at the same time they want to be close to a strong, confident, successful man with whom I would like to feel protected. Therefore, the question of relationships or flirting with a creative nature is a matter of time. And it's better "before" than "after" the cusp. Maybe;). How to know...

2. "Magic" touches and hugs. You said it yourself - "for a few hours." The biochemistry of our brain and body itself tells us (and here pheromones, testosterone, sexual desire are involved) what it is - an ideal partner. And here there is no place for reason - be careful, evolution works :)! Indeed, in nature, offspring are also given, and the most creative ones - however, there, as in our world, the issue of protection and survival is acute: no one promised to feed on the road :))). The work of hormones is to lead to intimacy as quickly as possible for the purpose of pleasure (we live one day, right?) And ... procreation. Further in nature - females work. Usually.

3. A provocative question, it is also a "psychological" one. Which of these two wonderful men do you think would like to have children with? Here's something to think about. Indeed, with all rational arguments - love, as a feeling, with all the innovations and effects of novelty, lives for about three years. Further - what two managed to create: relationships, hearth, their continuation, friendship, trust. And no one will rule out temptations - the world is full of them. The question is how expensive everything that can be easily destroyed :))).

A consultant psychologist working in a Rogerian or systemic family approach, as well as a Jungian sand psychotherapist, can help in working with experiences.

Happiness to you and peace of mind!

Good answer 9 bad answer 2

Hello dear readers of my blog! Have you thought about why, like a magnet, literally from the first seconds of meeting you? It would seem that an ordinary person, nothing outstanding, and you see him for the first time. And it seems that he has long occupied an important place in your life and you communicate as if you have known each other for many years.

Many mistakenly believe that this is nothing more than the notorious love at first sight. In fact, this inexplicable attraction is not always romantic. Of course, sometimes love grows out of it, but attraction can also initiate or simply dissipate over time without a trace. What is attraction to a person, what can it be and can it be resisted? Let's figure it out!

Why does attraction arise?

No one can unequivocally say how and why attraction arises. However, psychology identifies 6 probable causes.

Reason #1. According to Freud

The famous psychologist argued that every person unconsciously chooses someone who reminds him of his mother (if you are a man) or father (if you are a woman) as a life partner. Why?

Sigmund Freud believed that each of us in early childhood experiences the first love - love for his parent. And it is this feeling that forever leaves an imprint on further relationships with the opposite sex. In the future, he will always single out among the multitude of people those who are similar to the first childhood love. That is, if you meet a person who has the characteristics of a parent, you will unconsciously feel attracted to him.

Reason number 2. "Reference" love

This reason is very similar to the previous one. The only difference is that, according to the theory of sexologist John Money, you always keep in your heart the image of someone who left a significant mark on your life. And after that, you will always be drawn to certain people.

The benchmark could be:

• A person you know is your first love, a teacher
• Your idol is a musician, an actor
• And even a fictional image - the hero of a film or literary work

Reason number 3. Love me as I love you

According to this theory, a person can experience a reciprocal attraction to someone who already has tender feelings for him. Of course, this is not about “love at first sight”. Sometimes it will take more than one hundred looks to be treated with. But when you understand that the interlocutor is driven by tenderness and passion, it is difficult to resist a reciprocal feeling.

Reason number 4. body chemistry

The body of each person releases pheromones - special substances that allow you to attract the attention of a potential partner. It is unlikely that you will be able to consciously distinguish the smell of this substance. However, the brain is excellent at analyzing the information transmitted to it by receptors, and tells you who it considers a good option, and who is not worth wasting time on. Thus, people who smell pleasant to you subconsciously evoke strong attraction and keen interest.

Reason number 5. Dream girl

However, gender is not important here - both men and women dream of it. If you have long thought over the image of your soul mate to the smallest detail, then when in reality you meet a person who is somewhat reminiscent of him, you will not be able to pass by indifferently. As they say, dreams do come true!

Reason number 6. You can't escape fate

This theory is to the liking of esoteric lovers who believe in reincarnation and. They believe that when souls meet who have already crossed paths in past lives, people feel a strong attraction to each other, even if in this incarnation they hardly know each other.

What is the right thing to do if there is an irresistible attraction to a person?

Before choosing one or another tactic of behavior, you need to determine what kind of attraction you are experiencing. In fact, this feeling does not always imply romantic or sexual overtones. Conventionally, attraction is divided into 4 types.

• Physical attraction. This is precisely the attraction that is based on sensuality and sexuality. In this case, it is physical contact that is important: you want to touch the object of your passion, hug him, kiss him and, of course, have sex. You can learn more about this type of attraction in David Bass' excellent book, The evolution of sexual desire. Partner Search Strategies”

• Romantic attraction. It would seem that it is not much different from the previous one. But in fact, the differences are significant. When you are romantically attracted, the physical contact fades into the background. You also get pleasure from and communication with the person you like. You want to be next to him, hold hands, talk, look into his eyes. Of course, sex in this case can also be present, but it is not the goal of the relationship, but rather, a pleasant addition to them.

• Platonic attraction. This type of attraction can be observed both between a man and a woman, and between people of the same sex. In this case, there is no question of sexual desire. The main sign of platonic attraction is the desire to be close to a person, communicate with him, share emotions. Very often, platonic attraction develops into.

• aesthetic attraction. It is also characterized by a lack of sensuality. Most often, this attraction is experienced in relation to celebrities. In this case, a person is pleased with the charisma, appearance, style and manners of a famous person. However, sometimes the same feeling can be caused by people with whom you meet in everyday life. For example, you may be captivated by the Hollywood smile of a new employee, you will secretly admire a white-toothed handsome man, but at the same time you will not have a desire to go on a date with him or have sex.

We figured out the types of attraction. But what if you suddenly felt this feeling?

First of all, listen to yourself and figure out what type of attraction you are experiencing. If this is an aesthetic or platonic attraction, there is no need to resist the spiritual impulse. You can admire the person you like as much as you like or communicate with someone in whom you saw a kindred spirit - there is nothing wrong with that.

If your feelings are romantic or sexual in nature, you need to be more careful here. To begin with, think about what consequences await you if you nevertheless give in to temptation. Those who are not currently in a relationship have nothing to fear. You may well take a chance - pleasant emotions from a romantic adventure are guaranteed. Further events will develop according to one of the scenarios:

• Falling in love will develop into a deeper feeling and your relationship will move to a new, serious level.
• Or, gradually, the romantic veil will dissipate and passionate love will cool down and disappear on its own.

Unfortunately, attraction sometimes comes to those who are already bound by an oath of allegiance with a permanent partner. Sometimes the desire becomes so strong that it literally blinds a person and pushes them to reckless actions. If you understand that it is becoming increasingly difficult to resist the surging feeling and the attraction becomes irresistible, think about it - is it worth risking the current relationship because of this?

Even if it seems to you that this is love at first sight and forever, that your beloved is sent to you by fate and is the embodiment of an ideal,. Now you are blinded by hormones that do not allow you to adequately assess the person and the whole situation as a whole. Over time, the hormonal storm will subside and it may turn out that your chosen one is not at all the same as you saw him. So was it worth it to risk the current stable relationship?

Therefore, before committing a reckless act, try to get to know the person as best as possible. Now you are attracted by his image, often created by your imagination and little corresponding to reality. How to get rid of unwanted attraction? Just give your desires a break. As you know, a maximum of two to three months.

In most cases, this period is enough for the raging hormones to subside and stop overshadowing the mind. If, even after a while, your feeling has not weakened a bit and you are attracted to a new chosen one with the same force, perhaps there is something more between you than a hormonal explosion.

Is your attraction mutual? In this case, you can try to communicate closer and get to know the person better - what if he really is “”, with whom you are destined to live happily ever after?

Now you know that there are different types of attraction. In some cases, it is completely harmless, but sometimes it can cause serious changes in your life. Have you ever experienced an inexplicable attraction to another person? How did you act in such a situation? Tell us about your experience in the comments.

“No one and nothing could stop me, prevent me from coming to see him, neither my husband, nor even my child,” admits 33-year-old Daria. - With this man, it was as if I had sex for the first time in my life - or rather, I felt anew what it really is. Everything excited me: how he breathed, how he clung to me, how his hair, palms smelled ... Even before that, with other men, I felt good in bed, but I had never had a feeling of such powerful, literally animal bliss.

I returned home as if drunk, and it cost me tremendous efforts to hide the fact that every minute I think only about a new meeting. Sometimes I wanted to cry - just from happiness that this is happening to me. Six months later, my lover left for another city. Mentally, it became easier for me, because such a double life exhausted me, but I did not know how painful it would be for me without him. For a while I felt like a drug addict trying to get off the needle ... And yet I never regretted what happened between us.

Accept your impulse

Physical passion does not take into account any circumstances. But still, you should not assume that it is capable of only one destruction: the power of passion gives us a chance to reveal another important part of our own personality.

“For many women, their own sexuality seems to be deprived of the right to vote,” comments psychotherapist Maria Fedorova. - And when she wakes up, they are completely stunned by what happens to them. Women in general began to discover sexual desires in themselves and recognize them as something natural relatively recently. The revelation of one's sexuality is especially striking when it coincides with a midlife crisis. Then passion can become the embodiment of a dream that was not realized in youth.

Accepting our impulse, living our attraction is what is important if we want to be truly alive.

37-year-old Svetlana admits that for her life was divided into "before" and "after" last summer.

“At some point, I was seized with such a strong desire that I myself was surprised at what I was capable of. I never expected anything like this from myself, and even with a person whom I hardly knew. Thanks to this crazy meeting, I felt some new confidence in myself, which has remained with me to this day. I realized that I am not afraid to completely surrender to my desire, because what I feel and want so much is also me.

Accepting our impulse, living our attraction is what is important if we are to be truly alive.

“You need to have the courage to open up to another, fearlessly and sincerely,” says Maria Fedorova. - When this happens mutually, there is a general feeling of pleasure, flight. And if two people think more about technique, poses, how they look, and not about each other, they won’t succeed in anything worthwhile. Sex is not a meeting of two human bodies, but of two people.

Body harmony

Two people can sincerely love each other, but not achieve sexual harmony. But it also happens the other way around: everything is fine in bed, but things don’t go beyond it.

“If a man unconsciously projects “maternal” feelings onto a partner, or a woman puts a partner in the place of a father or mother, then sexual relations become more complicated, because normally it is impossible to have sex with relatives,” explains French psychoanalyst Yves Prijean. - Often in such cases, there is simply no attachment between sexual partners.

I feel the need to merge with her, become one, feel like a fantastic lover.

From passionate sexual relationships, love is not always born.

“I have never hidden that I like sex,” admits 39-year-old Ilya. - And usually we find ourselves in bed with a girl pretty quickly, if we're lucky, then immediately after we met. I feel the need to merge with her, to become one, to feel like a fantastic lover. It doesn’t bother me, on the contrary, I want it again and again, sometimes all night long. But with partners I had nothing in common, except for sex, I was not going to share my life with them.

Sex for sex

Relationships that involve only our bodies are rarely taken seriously. Problems with "sex for the sake of sex" arise when one of the partners thinks about family and children ...

“Passion is an experience on a different level than love,” says family therapist Anna Varga. - For her, bodily-physiological moments are more important than emotional ones. Passion can be compared to hunger, which can also distract us from other activities for a while. But it is impossible to subdue the feeling of hunger all your life!

Unrestrained sexuality often scares us: we are afraid to go too far.

Problems with "sex for the sake of sex" arise when one of the partners thinks about family and children

“We had amazing sex with her, and both, as they say, went crazy,” admits 30-year-old Kirill. - It even came to some sadistic things. We were literally carried somewhere, we no longer controlled ourselves.

Why does a burst of violent sexuality sometimes result in cruelty and violence?

“Extremes meet,” psychologist Ina Bausheva answers. - On the way to the ultimate pleasure, it becomes obvious that love and death are closely related. In addition, if the release of a powerful instinct occurs without the participation of the individual, the person is in danger of developing dependence. On the one hand, this experience is amazing, on the other hand, it can be destructive and traumatic precisely because consciousness is not able to grasp it.

Prolong pleasure

But nevertheless, it also happens that stories that begin with overflowing sexuality lead to long-term relationships.

“When this happened for the first time with Vadim, I was almost ashamed,” says 25-year-old Nina. - He was not particularly handsome, his jokes were rude ... But it turned out that we had sex - and something clicked in me. I went crazy from his wet skin, from his hands ... From time to time I decided to get rid of him - there was no love. But each time I began to physically miss him, and I told myself that it was stupid to pass by such amazing physical intimacy. Little by little, he became a part of my life, and one day I realized that I myself had become a part of his life. We've been living together for eight months now."

Not always the ideal sexual partner becomes a life partner, but do not miss the chance that gives us physical passion

“Relationships that began as a purely sexual adventure can develop into full-fledged love,” comments Maria Fedorova. - Everything will depend on how ready the partners are to go further, to decide to extend the relationship at other levels. After all, sexuality is not a separate quality, it is one of the important aspects of our personality. Sexual relations are first of all relations, and only then - sexual.

Not always the ideal sexual partner becomes a life partner, but do not miss the chance that gives us physical passion. It gives us the opportunity to look deeper into ourselves and explore spaces that would otherwise remain closed to us.

Inevitable Feelings

In bookstores, manuals on the technique of sex occupy entire shelves, magazine sections and TV shows are devoted to sex ...

“It seems that sex and love are divorced in our country, as if they cannot exist together,” says psychoanalyst and sexologist Boris Egorov. - This has a certain impact on society: people begin to treat sex as a pleasant activity that has nothing to do with relationships. Meanwhile, a sexual relationship always has an impact on the people who have entered into it.

Regular sexual encounters cannot go on forever and nonchalantly without changing the state of mind of the partners. The heroes of Roman Polanski's film "The Bitter Moon", having started dating only for the sake of sex, eventually destroyed each other's lives, and the heroes of Frederic Fontaine's painting "Pornographic Relationship" who met through an intimate ad found true, tender love as a result.

It is worth remembering that sooner or later feelings interfere even in relationships under the slogan "sex and only sex."

Padding around the form

What does mutual attraction depend on? Why does love at first sight occur? Why are we drawn to some people like a magnet, while other people, no less attractive and attractive, do not arouse any feelings in us? All these questions are answered by a psychologist, a follower of the Jungian school, Peter Ignatiev.

- What, from your point of view, can explain the irresistible attraction to another person?

Our subconscious is much more responsible for our likes and dislikes than our consciousness. When we are strongly drawn to someone, and we cannot explain our feelings from a logical point of view, it means that in this situation we are guided by subconscious impulses. It should be noted that our subconscious controls our behavior, our thoughts, and especially our feelings, much more strongly than is commonly thought. The psychiatrist-analyst Carl Jung wrote about the enormous role of the subconscious in human life. That is why it is so difficult for us to resist our own feelings and control them.

And what guides our subconscious, choosing from all the people who surround us, one - with whom we fall in love?

In order to answer this question, you need to know what the main tasks of the subconscious are. The number one task of the subconscious is to protect our personality from stress and destruction. The task of the subconscious mind number two is to push a person to improve his own personality and reveal all its facets, because the more perfect the character of a person, the easier it is for him to adapt and adapt to the environment. Therefore, we are subconsciously attracted, first of all, to those people who complement us in some way, that is, they have character qualities that we do not have, but which would be very useful to us. This explains the fact that many people who suffer from their own timidity and shyness are drawn to self-confident and strong personalities. But, at the same time, we, as a rule, like people who are at least a little like us - if two people have absolutely nothing in common, then they can hardly have not only love, but even minimal interest in each other . Therefore, those who believe that attraction arises between two opposites are not entirely right. Most often, a strong attraction occurs between people who complement each other as much as possible in terms of character traits and push each other to self-improvement, as well as to get rid of complexes and internal conflicts.

“All my men with whom I fell in love were fond of certain sports,” says Yulia, a teacher in elementary grades, 48 ​​years old. - My first boyfriend, whom I fell in love with when I was already studying at the Pedagogical Institute, was an avid football player, but not particularly bright with intelligence. I had nothing to talk about with him, but because I admired his football victories, our relationship dragged on for three years, until I was convinced that this was definitely not my man. Then I had a few more novels with guys-athletes. My husband, with whom we have been happily living together for 23 years, is a judo coach. You know, this is my predilection for athletes, not only I noticed it, my relatives and friends eventually paid attention to it. It was only through introspection that I realized what it was all about. But it turned out that back in school, my favorite subject was physical education, and I dreamed of becoming an athlete. But my parents categorically told me that (as they believed) a future wife and mother had no place in big-time sports, and my dream was nipped in the bud. It turns out that in my beloved men I have been looking all my life for what I have lost in myself.

- Doesn't our consciousness influence our choice of a partner in any way?

Certainly it does. The conscious decisions we make are called rational, rational decisions. True, each person manifests rationalism to a different degree: there are people who tend to always go on about their feelings and emotions, and there are people who are able to step over even a very strong feeling for material gain or for the sake of principles and beliefs. But, since our subconscious is a rather strong component of our “I”, the unsatisfied subconscious desires sooner or later take their toll. For example, such a common situation. A young woman dreams of breaking out of poverty so that she does not need anything, and therefore deliberately enters into a marriage of convenience, naively believing that she will “endure, fall in love”. But, as life experience shows, such marriages are extremely rarely happy. Sooner or later, despite complete financial security, a woman living with an unloved husband begins to feel unhappy and eventually gets a lover.

But what if the man whom the woman married for convenience turns out to be a good person? After all, they say that marriages of convenience are sometimes extremely successful.

The thing is, arranged marriages are different. I mean, if you take into account such important points as the similarity of your characters, emotional compatibility and community of interests when choosing a partner for marriage, then such a calculation may well justify itself. If you only care about how rich and successful your partner is, then nine out of ten that the problems that will inevitably arise in your marriage will outweigh the material benefits.

If you are going to marry, whether for love or for convenience, you cannot ignore the advice of intuition, because intuition is the voice of our subconscious. And if intuition screams at you that the person with whom you want to connect your fate is not suitable for you, then you better listen to her voice!

Just do not confuse the subconscious and intuition with such irrational concepts as telepathy or clairvoyance. In fact, everything is much simpler: our subconscious, in the process of communicating with a person, captures even the most insignificant nuances of his behavior - facial expressions, looks, gestures, voice intonations - and on the basis of this makes unmistakable conclusions about this person. While consciously we perceive and analyze far from all the important information that comes to us from the people around us.

Why do many people tend to step on the same rake, that is, choose the same type of partners throughout their lives? With what it can be connected?

With stereotypes that are embedded in the subconscious of each of us. These stereotypes depend on upbringing, as well as on the experience gained by a person in childhood and early adolescence. Gradually, under the influence of the acquired experience, a person forms ideas about the representatives of the opposite sex and about relationships with them, and also forms the image of an ideal partner. This image largely depends on the self-esteem of a person. So, people with low self-esteem tend to choose strong and powerful partners, to whom they obey and look at “from the bottom up”. Whereas people with a narcissistic personality and high self-esteem subconsciously choose weaker partners who can be controlled and pushed around. In a word, each person is looking for a relationship in which he feels most comfortable psychologically, and which does not contradict his subconscious beliefs and stereotypes.

Sometimes, when people complement each other perfectly, they get hung up on each other and stop noticing the world around them. Do you think this is good or bad?

This usually happens when both partners are introverts. If one of the partners is an introvert and the other is an extrovert, then such a situation, as a rule, does not arise. But if this situation still happened, then this is not very good. In addition to love relationships, a person must definitely devote time to family and friendships. Just think what stress a person can experience in the event of parting with a love partner, if he does not even have a close friend to complain about his grief!

Why is it sometimes difficult for us to part with a person whose relationship brings us mental suffering?

To understand why we cannot leave a person who does not treat us the way we would like, we first need to figure out why he attracted us so much. As I said before, we tend to subconsciously reach out to people who are somewhat similar to us. Moreover, we may not even be aware of this similarity. According to Jung's teachings, each person has a part of the personality, called a "shadow", which he is not aware of in himself. Our "shadow" is those qualities of character that are present in us, but we do not want to admit this to ourselves, so as not to destroy the positive image of our own "I". By the way, these are not necessarily bad qualities, but we, because of our upbringing and principles, may consider them bad. And when we discover these very qualities in another person, we fall in love with him, start a relationship with him, and when he begins to show these qualities in relation to us, we do not leave him, but try to forgive and justify, thus justifying ourselves. For example, a young girl was brought up by strict and demanding parents who taught her that she needed to be hard-working and not pursue life's pleasures and entertainment. And although deep down the girl would like to sometimes spend time in bars and nightclubs, her strict upbringing does not allow her to do this. And now she meets a guy - a goofy and merry fellow who does not get out of nightclubs, and falls madly in love with him, and then marries him. It is likely that the girl will live with this guy all her life and will suffer from his regular late arrivals at home and from his eternal gatherings with friends. But she will not leave him and will try to justify, subconsciously feeling a kindred spirit in him. But this is the worst case. And in the best case, a girl, under the influence of a guy, will gradually become liberated, get rid of complexes and learn to enjoy life. And the guy, in turn, thanks to the influence of the girl, will take up his mind and become more serious.

- That is, there is no predictable ending for the relationship, and everything depends on the partners themselves?

Of course. Even with a not very good start to a relationship, a happy ending can never be ruled out. But keep in mind: a happy ending is possible only under one condition - if the partners are aware of their shortcomings and try to change for the better. I know many cases when, for the sake of a loved one, people radically changed their behavior and lifestyle, and even gave up long-term bad habits. In general, the higher the readiness of a person to work on himself and change, the more chances he has for a happy personal life. As far as I have noticed over many years of my psychological practice, family relationships are the worst for people who consider themselves ideal. Having too much self-esteem is just as bad as having too little. Only when a person is engaged in self-knowledge, perfectly sees his strengths and weaknesses, but at the same time does not lose love for himself and self-respect, can he truly love, accept and make his partner happy. Padding around the form

At the first meeting, a man has a sexual attraction to a woman - he calls this a “spark”, “love at first sight”, but in fact it is a powerful release of testosterone into the blood. The ancient Hindus said: “There are three sources of human desires: soul, mind and body. Attraction of souls breeds friendship. The attraction of minds is respect. Attraction of bodies generates desire...

The union of the three drives produces love." When a man wants a woman, he uses all sorts of seduction tricks - says what she would like to hear, treats her the way she wants. Having enthralled a gullible woman with his charms, he creates in her the confidence that she is loved (in fact, she is still only desired). But, having achieved what he wants, he loses interest in the one that he so longed for recently. A woman is offended by such behavior. She regards intimacy as the apogee of love. She leaves an unpleasant aftertaste in her soul, as if she was used.

Sadly, to a certain extent, it is true - a man used it to relieve sexual tension.

A man can get turned on when he sees an erotic photograph or a scene in a movie, a flash of a naked body in the neckline of a stranger’s clothes, beautiful legs or breasts, and many other things that are denoted by the word releasers (external stimuli that cause sexual arousal). Excitation is accompanied by an erection, which passes after a while. But it happens that a man remains excited for quite a long time.

When he is in an excited state, he needs a physiological discharge. In this case, any woman who is nearby will suit him. She may be a permanent partner or a girl whom he is just caring for, but it may also be the one he sees for the first time.

Cunning men know that a cynical sentence: "But should we sleep?" - will shock and repel any self-respecting woman, and therefore they use the whole arsenal of tricks of seduction.

What does a man overcome with desire do to achieve what he wants? Exactly what most women regard as passion, falling in love and even love: he says compliments and various cute nonsense with erotic overtones, confesses his love. Moreover, he skillfully combines words with action: hugs, kisses, caresses, so that the partner also feels sexual arousal.

In the life of every man, there have been cases when he was looking for only pleasure in sex or even just a discharge of sexual tension, while a woman is more in need of the emotional aspect of intimate relationships. She regards kisses, hugs and caresses of a man as an expression of his feelings. That is why women are disappointed when, after intercourse, a man immediately loses interest. He can get up and leave, leaving an indifferent farewell: “Bye!”, Not even bothering to take a phone number from his partner; or may promise to call, but will not call; or he can call in two weeks, lying from three boxes that he was very busy (in fact, he didn’t even remember about her, but remembered only when he was “impatient” again).

A rare woman will not respond to the passionate embrace of a man she likes. And a rare woman does not feel the fire of desire. But for her, this is not just sex - in the first place are the feelings that she has for a man. If a man is indifferent to her, then his hugs and kisses are unpleasant to her.

Many men use romantic confessions only at the stage of seduction. Some cynical representatives of the stronger sex say that beautiful words are needed only to drag a woman into bed, and after that tenderness is no longer necessary.

If this is the case with your partner, know that he does not love you. He just uses a typically masculine technique: tender words, declarations of love - just a necessary prelude to sex. Women want to hear them, and men tell them this. But only before the "intimacy" or during it.

The behavior of a man in bed and outside of it can be strikingly different: in an intimate setting, he is gentle, affectionate, speaks words of love, but as soon as the sex session ends, he seems to have been replaced. Just now he whispered: “God, how good it is with you! You are the most desirable, most beloved woman in the world!” - and here he is standing at the window and smoking, cold and indifferent, completely alien. If the one who five minutes ago was “the most desirable” turns to him, expecting affectionate words, he looks at her with bewilderment, they say, who are you and what do you need from me at all ?!

Many women are in a similar position. It seems that there is a man in her life - and at the same time he is not. He shows up when he wants to, and she waits weeks for his call. When he comes, everything is great. He says that he loves her and that he missed her very much, but he was so busy that there was not a single free minute. But he constantly thought about her, remembered and yearned. And a woman believes everything that her beloved says.

A man loves with his eyes, and a woman with her ears! The more beautiful words a man says, the more a woman falls in love with him. And at the same time, he does not even think that the words of his beloved diverge from his actions. If he was so longing, then why didn't he find an opportunity to see each other? There are no cases that cannot be postponed, rescheduled. The one who loves can neglect even important matters in order to see his beloved. Yes, what's the matter! In the name of love, men do heroic deeds! And here - some banal excuses: "I was very busy", "There was not a single free minute ..." Well, let's say he was really busy, but at least you can call! And besides, things happen during the day. But there are still evenings, nights. Yes, there is no such work until late at night and without days off!

It cannot be denied that work for a man is a priority. But a loving man gives himself to his favorite work not to the detriment of his beloved woman. If he knows that she is bored and is looking forward to him, will he really not find an opportunity to meet ?! But most importantly, the lover WANTS to see his beloved!

A person in love is very resourceful and will find time, even when there is absolutely no time! Lovely women! When a man disappears for two weeks, and then says that he could not even call because he did not have a single free minute - do not believe it! Did he go to the toilet? Breakfast-lunch-dinner? So I could make time to call. And he didn’t call because he didn’t want to, because he was busy with something (not work at all!), Which was more interesting for him to communicate with you - for example, he drank beer with friends, went to a sports match, was in a restaurant with another a woman or a friend at a birthday party.

Men catch gullible women, knowing how words of love affect them. Tell him: "I love you!" - and the woman melts. But there is no love! This is just a sexual attraction, in a simplified form - a combination of the effects of the male sex hormone testosterone and the so-called Tarkhanov phenomenon - the accumulated sperm presses on the walls of the seminiferous tubules and requires sexual discharge (forgive me for earthiness). Primitive sexual desire can be mistaken for love, if you call it the most beautiful words, but - alas! - This is not love. In such cases, "I love you" means "I want you", and sometimes even more cynically - "I want sex."

Love is, first of all, spiritual intimacy, emotional attraction, a state when it is impossible to live without each other, you want to be with your loved one every second, live his life, his problems and worries, accept him as he is, with all his shortcomings and virtues, it is respect for each other's rights, empathy, unity of the soul, finally. And meeting from time to time is not love, it's just sexual relaxation. But how often a woman's desire to be loved puts blinders on her eyes, and she does not see what, it would seem, is visible to the naked eye!

“You are the way I thought of you, what I dreamed about,” - this is how a woman in love perceives her lover. She is really in love, because a woman can fall in love with anyone if you create the illusion in her that she is loved and desired! How often banal phrases about sublime love are mistaken for true love - after all, a woman loves with her ears! The serpent-tempter in the form of a man whispers sweet words to her, weaves from three boxes, and she believed and melted.

The foregoing does not mean at all that all men who confess to a woman in love, in fact, experience only sexual attraction to her. There are those who really have sincere and deep feelings. Without a doubt, a truly loving man also experiences sexual attraction to his beloved, but not only.

A sane person cannot make his life dependent on someone: I can live with him, but not without him. The loss of a loved one is a tragedy, but it is not the end of life.

When life is "fixated" on one person, and apart from him there are no interests - this is not yet love. It is addiction.

Love is when there is an invisible connection between two people. They need each other so much that they use every free minute at least to hear the voice of their beloved.

Some interesting facts about men.

Admiring women's breasts prolongs men's lives

Regular admiration of women's breasts contributes to the prolongation of a man's life, according to researchers from Germany. Scientists conducted a study in which 200 men took part. Experts observed the subjects for five years.

It turned out that those who regularly enjoyed looking at the busty women of the fair sex, as a result had lower blood pressure, a calmer pulse, which reduced the risk of heart attacks.

The experts came to the conclusion that admiring the female forms has a very beneficial effect on the male body. They calculated that just 10 minutes of looking at the female form has an effect on the body comparable to 30 minutes of aerobics.

Psychologists figured out how to quickly calm a man

Psychologists have found a universal remedy for calming, which was used by our ancestors in prehistoric times. The researchers concluded that nothing can soothe a man so quickly as the sight of a freshly cooked piece of meat. The researchers linked this conclusion with the circumstances of primitive times, when a man had the role of a breadwinner. The heads of families went hunting to provide food for their relatives. Therefore, they associated the type of cooked meat with the fact that everything is fine in the family, and all relatives are full.

Moreover, fried meat for them was not just food that could quickly satisfy hunger, but also a symbol of home comfort and tranquility. According to scientists, this is due to the fact that in ancient times the whole family gathered together for food, as it was the safest.

Every fifth man in Europe does not love his wife

An unprecedented study was conducted in several countries in Europe, scientists found out how the duration of marriage affects the feelings of spouses. It turned out that men and women who are married quite often do not have tender feelings for their partner.

In the course of the study, tens of thousands of male representatives were interviewed about relationships with their wives and feelings between them. It turned out that every fifth married man loves not his wife, but another woman.

After interviewing women, experts also found a rather sad situation. It turned out that 20% of the fair sex did not have tender feelings for their spouse.

According to researchers, the picture of the relationship and feelings of men and women in marriage looks quite dramatic. Most often, over the years, feelings fade away and people continue to live together out of habit or because of other obligations, finding an object of love on the side or living without it at all.

European men can no longer have children

Europe is on the verge of a new serious demographic crisis, the main cause of which is male infertility. Researchers from the European Science Foundation (ESF) have also found that the main cause of infertility in today's young Europeans is obesity.

The study showed that sperm count in 40% of Europeans aged 18-25 is insufficient to achieve easy and reliable fertilization. At the same time, in 20% of young people, the sperm count is less than the level set by the World Health Organization. This means that you can only conceive from them through the procedure of artificial insemination (IVF).

Scientists, after analyzing the results of more than 70 studies performed on European material, came to the conclusion that obesity leads to a significant decrease in the body's production of the male hormone testosterone. A number of studies show a clear link between low testosterone levels and obesity.

In Britain, 42% of men are "overweight" and 24% are considered obese. Accordingly, the difficulties of conception in Britain are very great: every sixth couple is forced to resort to the IVF procedure.

From communication with blondes, men become stupid

Face to face with a blonde, men become dumber. Their brain activity is reduced, IQ is reduced, cognitive abilities are slowed down. This conclusion was made by French scientists.
The representatives of the stronger sex were shown photographs of charming blondes, after which they were asked to pass intellectual tests. According to scientists, after photographs of blondes, men actually “lost their heads,” that is, they understood much worse than after photographs of brunettes.

Scientists believe that men are subconsciously influenced by the stereotype about stupid blondes, and they try to adapt to the interlocutor and not be too smart.

Increasingly, families are falling apart because of novels on the Internet.

Increasingly, the cause of disagreements in the family and divorces are virtual novels, according to British psychologists. According to experts, the danger of virtual communication is that a person invents a way of life, name, profession, age. He is necessarily handsome, smart, gallant, that is, such as he usually is not in life. However, without considering this, men resort to virtual love without thinking about the consequences.

Psychologists believe that women who have discovered their husband's correspondence should not regard a virtual romance as a betrayal, otherwise the family will no longer be able to exist. Accidentally discovering the virtual correspondence of your spouse, try to understand what your man lacks in family relationships.

In such situations, revelations read on the Internet become useful to both spouses, experts say.

Jealousy of men depends on their height

Scientists have found that short men are more jealous than taller men. In a study conducted by Spanish and Dutch researchers, 549 men and women were asked about their attitudes towards jealousy.

In particular, scientists have tried to figure out what makes them feel insecure. The results of a study published in the British scientific journal New Scientist showed that men are worried about attractive, rich and powerful rivals.

However, scientists found that the taller a man was, the less jealous he was. Previous studies have shown that tall men tend to be more successful in their careers, earn more and have more beautiful girlfriends. Researchers believe that this is caused by the association of high stature with attractiveness, physical superiority, and good reproductive qualities.