Unfortunately, in the modern world, parental example increasingly has a detrimental effect on the personality of the child.
Writes the author: I am a child psychologist, and at times I am terribly overwhelmed. My main problem is the parents of my little clients, who disfigure them themselves. I don’t know whether it’s personally “lucky” for me or, in fact, almost half of the children who are referred to a psychologist by doctors or teachers with suspicion of various disorders (this is how most clients come to me) have the same diagnosis: surrounding adults - idiots.

Case #1

A 4-year-old boy behaves aggressively, throws himself at other children on the playground and offends his younger sister. Already after 10 minutes of communication with his mother and stepfather, everything becomes clear. In the family, even adults do not know the words "excuse me", "please" and "thank you". It is customary for them to communicate with the help of an ora at each other and threats “I’ll hurt you right now.” The most affectionate thing that I said to the child: “Shut up, you bastard!”. And in general, it seems to the child’s stepfather (an aging gopnik who is over 40 according to his passport, and 13–14 years old in his mind) to teach the kid to answer any words of his grandmother: “Shut up, old bitch!” - great witty joke. In general, the boy does not have any disorders, he just looks like his parents.

Case #2

6-year-old girl Sasha speaks of herself in the masculine gender and tries to convince everyone that she is a boy, Sanya. Gender identity disorder? Don't give a damn. It’s just that dad and mom wanted a second son, and from infancy they tell their daughter what a pity that she was not born a boy. To any manifestation of weakness they say: “What are you like a girl ?!” (hello, garage, your child is actually a girl!), and a request to buy beautiful shoes is perceived as a sign that her daughter will grow up to be a prostitute - she already knows this word very well. At the same time, the girls rush about with their older brother like with a written bag: he is a boy. Sasha, of course, has two options: either forever recognize himself as a second-class person, or try to somehow become a first-class person. She chose the latter option. And this is completely normal for a person with a healthy psyche. It's not normal - to spoil a smart and precocious girl's head like that even before school!

Case #3

The first-grader is constantly trying to get into other children's shorts, attaches himself from behind, imitating sexual intercourse, and persuades the girls to dance a striptease. The alarm was sounded by the parents of the girl whom he offered for a chocolate bar, I quote, "to suck his pussy." Heightened interest in this topic at such an early age may be a symptom of several big problems. Either the child was corrupted, or he has a serious hormonal failure (an adult hormonal set in the child's body), or some problems with the cerebral cortex. However, it turns out that just the father of the child considers it completely normal to watch porn on the computer in the presence of his son: “What's wrong? He's small, he doesn't understand anything. And if he understands, let him grow up as a peasant, gee-gee-gee.

Case #4

A 10-year-old girl literally hates all boys and any hint of intersexual relations. A neighbor on the desk, who said that she was beautiful, ran into a fury and broke his nose. We find out that the whole situation arose because of the girl's mother. This is a single mother. A woman with a stormy but not very happy personal life. A series of "new dads", some of which did not last even three months (and one of them also beat the girl), and "we are like girlfriends, I tell her everything, everything." That is, the mother made her daughter a confidante. From early childhood, a child knows which of his mother’s uncles has problems with potency, who has a jealous wife who watches over her mother at work at the entrance, who is “bad, didn’t even buy a ring,” from whom she had three abortions, and so on. Mom sincerely believes that she is preparing the girl for adulthood. The girl believes that adult life is only endless showdowns with someone's wives, abortions and fake members, and she saw all this in a coffin (and in this case it's hard not to understand her).

Case #5

10 year old boy. Rare case. The mother brought the child with a request: “Do something! He annoys his father." In general, the search for a “magic button” that can be pressed to make the child comfortable is a favorite topic of parents who bring children themselves. In general, the situation is almost classic: from time to time dad finds a new love and goes to her, then mom wins him back with borscht and silk robes. For some time the family is idyll, and then everything repeats itself. The gaps are getting shorter, and the child generally “spoils everything” - he treats his dad like a dad, and not like an eastern padishah. Recently - just think! - asked a parent suffering from a hangover to help him solve the problem. The boy was swearing and got such a slap on the back of the head that he flew off to the wall. Answer: “Better, damn it, write out healing pendels to dad!” Of course, this does not fit into the framework of professional ethics, but this is perhaps the main thing that comes to mind in this case.

Recently, young people have been leaving Daugavpils en masse in search of a better life, or rather, in the hope of earning money, they go abroad. It's time to sing a perky song, slightly changing the words: "My address is not a house or a street, my address is the European Union!" That's how it is, and everything would be fine, but children remain in their native city, and they remain for many years. And children without parental supervision can grow up in such a way that no money earned in a foreign land will be a joy.

It is no secret that drug addiction has grown among teenagers. Quite often, in apartments where teenagers left to the mercy of fate live, brothels are created. Moms and dads would be happy to stay in their hometown next to their children, but it is not always possible to find a job with a normal pay. What to do? What are the most necessary precautions to take when leaving children? These questions are answered by the inspector of the order police Svetlana Fedorova.

*Each age has its own nightmares*

Over the past 4-5 years, the percentage of neurotic disorders in children of parents who have left to work in Europe has increased terribly, although the children grow up in good conditions, are loved and spoiled.

Toddlers 3-5 years old noticeably react to parting with one of the parents or both; they are frightened and feel insecure, suffer from nightmares. They develop a fear of separation.

Children aged 7-8 years old have depressive reactions, night phobias, up to attacks of paroxysm.

At 9-12-year-olds there are obsessions, superstitions, frequent nightmares. They imagine their parents as dead, sick, accident victims, because they are afraid of never seeing their parents again. Anxiety leads to behavioral and academic problems.

Adolescents are better able to make sense of what happened; they see the positive side of their parents' departure. Their attention is turned rather to themselves as individuals and to their own relations with people; they are occupied with their own freedom and sexuality.

However, these guys are at risk, not protected from problems associated with the use of alcohol and drugs.

Psychologists address parents who have left and intend to leave: “If you dig deeper into the souls of your children, you will find frightening things. Give them back their childhood!"

Teachers say: children left without parental supervision get a lot of freedom, which they use inefficiently (entertainment, discos, nightclubs, dubious establishments).

In the event of the departure of one parent, the child is left in the care of the other. In such families, the situation is relatively stable, the students have moral support both at home and at school. But if both parents are absent, grandparents, relatives, neighbors, guardians, less close people take care of the children. After the first disagreements, the guys prefer to do without them. As a result - being late for lessons, depression, self-doubt, alcohol and drug use.

Lost Illusions

Igodda's parents' departure - so promising at first - leads to the loss of the family. The lived experience leaves negative traces on the mental health of the abandoned children.

What happens to a child for whom for many years parents are only photographs, a voice on the telephone and expensive gifts?

For a little man, mother is a part of him. The crisis of three years known to all parents is nothing more than the first attempt of the baby to realize the fact that he is a separate person. But this is only a tiny step on the way of growing up. The child will be able to completely separate from guardianship much later, after eighteen or even twenty years. Until this age, parents for him are the very wall on which he can always lean if necessary. For a child, this is as indisputable a fact as the need to eat, sleep or breathe.

Children from large rural families perceive the long departure of their parents most easily. In such families, parental roles are evenly distributed between brothers and sisters: the elders look after the younger ones, everyone has their own part of the housework, which there is simply no one to blame.

It is much more difficult for a single child. For him, any explanation that “we do not have enough money” is an abstraction that he cannot yet comprehend. Trying to cope with the tension caused by the need to come to terms with inevitable changes, the child begins to explain to himself the fact of departure in his own way.

Depths of the soul

Most often, the departure of parents to work means for the baby nothing more than a betrayal! The child is offended by mom-dad, strong feelings rage in his soul - resentment, anger. Problems begin from the moment when aggression, rushing outward, collides with the child's internal censor: parents are taboo, gods who cannot be guilty. The child still cannot understand and explain to himself or others what is happening to him, and therefore decides that the departure of his parents is only his fault. If he had been better, smarter, more obedient, then, of course, his parents would have stayed at home. The feeling of guilt grows like a snowball, the child becomes insecure, withdrawn and uncommunicative. Some children, desperate to draw attention to themselves with their successes, slide into the other extreme - dreaming of getting at least some kind of reaction from their parents, they stop obeying, behave defiantly, shockingly.

Parents should also remember that the baby can also react to strong feelings with various diseases - problems of the gastrointestinal tract, allergies, skin rashes, frequent colds. This is a consequence of the stress crushed inside.

Perhaps the only option when the departure of parents to work is good for the child, a situation where lies reign in the family. For a kid who perfectly reads the real relationships of his parents, external appearances, when adults try to “keep up the mark”, are nothing more than appearances. The kid, sensitively feeling anger, resentment of loved ones, is forced to distrust his own feelings, listening to the peppy words of adults. Such duality very quickly leads to psychological problems and even to mental illness. Getting rid of such family relationships is one of the ways out for a child.

Thirst for love

In a full-fledged family, a child learns to experience emotions, manage them, understand the reactions of other people. Deprived of such baggage, people subsequently do not understand their emotional reactions, in the eyes of other people they look like robots, busy only with a career and external manifestations of success. They are called "thick-skinned". This is one of the possible options for the mental development of children whose parents have left to work. Once deceived in their thirst for love, they cannot overcome their inner fear all their lives, preferring to keep people at a distance, so as not to experience the pain they experienced in childhood due to the absence of parents. In part, this can be smoothed out to infinity by repeated declarations of love, but, unfortunately, any words will not correct the situations of the past.

... The girl has been raised by her grandmother for four years, while her mother left to work. By the age of nine, the child developed a severe neurosis, manifested by tics. Yes, she missed her mother, like any child, but relatives did not really connect with one another. The problem is that a child, unlike an adult, cannot come to a psychologist and say - I have depression, I'm anxious.

In children, tension is manifested through behavior, emotions - many bite their nails, enuresis begins. They may behave inappropriately - twitch, run away from home, refuse to communicate.

The child cannot understand what it means - "mother will return." If he is left with his grandmother, who nursed him from infancy, and the child's affection for her is greater than for his mother, then it is easier for him to endure the departure. But in any case, the departure of parents causes a feeling of loss. The same thing happens with children who have come from a family to an orphanage. It is difficult for such children to establish attachment relationships in their own family later on.

And if you don't survive otherwise?

If you have weighed all the pros and cons and realized that the departure cannot be avoided, you need to prepare for it in advance.

First, with the person with whom the child will stay (grandmother or aunt), you need to provide a long contact so that the child has time to get used to it. This must be done at least six months before departure. Ideally, live this time together, as one family, so that the child has the opportunity to change the object of affection.

Secondly, when leaving, you need to leave at home as many reminders of yourself as possible - photographs, things of your parents. Try to do the same as with a baby who goes to kindergarten for the first time - it is very useful for him to put some piece of paper related to mom and dad in his pocket, for example, the most ordinary coupon so that the child puts his hand in his pocket and bumps into reminder of parents.

Thirdly, it is desirable to call and talk with the child every day or at least every other day. The more often, the better.

Fourth, try to find a job that will allow you not to leave immediately for five years, but, say, at least for a year in a year.

But even with the right approach to departure, problems remain. The fact is that if a person loses the object of healthy addiction - parents, close people, then computers, drugs, alcohol or slot machines can become a substitute.

It is necessary to place accents correctly - will this house, bought with the money you earn, be needed later, if there is a drug addict nearby, which your own child has turned into?

All people develop different life circumstances. Someone is content with a full meal, a roof over their heads, and the boundless love of their parents. And someone is deprived of a happy serene childhood. If the parents separate early, when their baby is just growing up, this leaves a certain imprint on his child's fragile psyche. And such a child will be significantly different from his peers who grow up in complete families. This difference can be expressed both in worldview and in lifestyle, behavior and habits. Is it worth it to connect your life with such a guy, or is it better to find a more suitable option?

So to start let's figure it out that can have such a profound effect on the outlook on life of a poor boy raised by only one parent.

1) An important point is the reason for the separation of his parents.
- For example, his mother could die, and he remained in the care father. Such a deep trauma can immediately make a little boy grow up. Their family has a common grief that will unite them with their father. He will grow up to be a very sensitive young man, able to experience and sympathize. After all, the one who himself felt something negative will be able to understand how bad it is for people who have experienced some kind of grief.

If the separation of the parents happened by mutual decision, and, for example, the mother, who raised him alone, never turned him against his father, and he periodically came to visit his son, not forgetting to pay alimony regularly, then the boy can grow up as an absolutely ordinary child. After all, the concept of Sunday dad is not only in divorced families. For example, if a man works at a job that involves constant business trips, children also rarely see him, but this does not change anything in their worldview.

If one of the parents treacherously abandoned family, and even more so for the sake of a new relationship, this is the situation that can really greatly affect the formation of the views of a small child. For some reason, it is usually men who leave families in this way. A boy, feeling the torment of his mother, can become a real man-hater. But there are two opinions on how he will behave with his future wife.

Some believe that seeing the suffering of their closest women, they will not allow their wife to suffer in the same way. And his father's behavior will be an example of how not to behave in relationships, and even more so in marriage. But on the other hand, such a boy can be angry with his father and feel sorry for his mother, constantly shielding her and holding the opinion that she is just a victim of circumstances. When his wife behaves inappropriately, he may begin to show cruelty to her, believing that if his mother suffered for nothing, then why can't his wife, who deserved punishment, receive it. You need to be very careful with guys who have such stable views on the model of relations between a man and a woman.

2) The second meaning is who exactly the boy was raised by.. That is, which parent was missing in .

If a boy brought up only father, it is likely that he will only hear about tenderness, caresses, etc. Such a guy can be rude in displays of love. But we can fix it anyway. The main thing is to show the young man his mistakes by explaining why you are not satisfied with this or that treatment.

If a guy brought up only a mother, then on the contrary, he will grow up softer, perhaps even feminine. But he will be able to deal with women. He is a little lacking in the character of cruelty, masculine manifestation, firmness, therefore, most likely, unconsciously, he will choose a tougher girl for his partner, and not a sweet and kind one.

These two points are better consider in direct combination with each other. Only then will it be possible to draw almost unmistakable conclusions about the character of your chosen one. But you also need to remember that guys who grew up without one parent are most often psychologically broken and very vulnerable individuals, so they need a special approach. Try not to offend your loved one, but rather show care and participation for him.

Many famous people in childhood, for one reason or another, were left without parents and were raised by foster families. Among them you can meet famous composers, writers, politicians, musicians, actors, directors, athletes, entrepreneurs...

Johann Sebastian Bach was the youngest, eighth child in the family. When Johann Sebastian was 9 years old, his mother died, and a year later his father died. The boy moved to live and study music with his older brother.

Jean Jacques Rousseau never saw his mother - she died in childbirth. At the age of 11, the boy actually lost his father: he went to another city and remarried, and Jean-Jacques was left in Geneva and sent to a boarding school.

Edgar Allan Poe born in 1809, his parents, actors of a traveling troupe, died when the boy was only two years old. The boy was adopted and adopted by a wealthy merchant from Virginia, John Allan.

Lev Tolstoy lost his mother, before even reaching two years old - she died of puerperal fever when the younger sister of the future writer was born. A distant relative, T. A. Ergolskaya, took up the upbringing of orphaned children. In 1837, the family moved to Moscow, as Tolstoy's older brother had to prepare for university entrance. Soon, his father, Nikolai Ilyich, suddenly died, and the three younger children again settled in Yasnaya Polyana under the supervision of Yergolskaya and his paternal aunt, Countess A. M. Osten-Saken, who was appointed guardian of the children.

Among those who remained orphans in childhood were several heads of state. For example, the President of Yugoslavia Josip Broz Tito, Presidents of the United States Andrew Jackson and Gerald Ford Emperor of the Central African Empire Bokassa, and Eleanor Roosevelt who was the first lady of the United States and authored the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Former South African President Nelson Mandela at the age of nine, he lost his father, who died of tuberculosis, and Jongintaba Dalindiebo, regent of the Tembu people, became his official guardian.

was adopted roman emperor august(his adoptive father was Gaius Julius Caesar), as well as Nero Claudius Drusus, the famous Roman commander.

Among the well-known cultural figures, there are also many people who were brought up in foster families.

Parents John Lennon divorced when the boy was very young. When Julia Lennon found another man, four-year-old John was taken in by his maternal aunt Mimi Smith and her husband George Smith, who had no children of their own. John subsequently became close to his mother, who had two children with her second husband.

One of the greatest musicians of the rock and roll era, James Brown, after the divorce of his parents, he was brought up by his aunt in Atlanta. The boy grew up in poverty, earned a living by petty theft, at the age of 16 he was sentenced to eight years in prison for participating in a robbery.

mother Eric Clapton was a 16-year-old girl, and the father was a 24-year-old soldier from Montreal, who had never even seen his son. Little Eric lived with his grandmother and her second husband. Clapton grew up and over the years thought his mother was his sister and his parents were his grandparents. Years later, his mother married another Canadian soldier and moved to Germany, leaving young Eric with his grandparents in Surrey.

Marilyn Monroe abandoned by her psychotic widow mother, and the future sex symbol spent most of her childhood with distant relatives and in orphanages.

When the future movie star Ingrid Bergman was 3 years old, her mother died, and 10 years later her father also died. Then an aunt took up the upbringing of a 13-year-old girl, but six months later she also passed into another world. Then Ingrid moved in with her uncle Otto Bergman, who had five children.

mother Jack Nicholson was a dancer and singer, June Francis Nicholson, who secretly gave birth to him at the age of 19. After the boy was born, he was taken care of by his grandparents, John Joseph Nicholson and Ethel May Nicholson. Jack grew up believing that his grandparents were his mother and father. Only in 1974, a Time magazine reporter, who found out the information hidden by everyone, revealed the truth to the actor: his older sister June is actually his mother. It was too late then: June died of cancer in 1963, and Ethel died seven years later in 1970.

Star of "Goodfellas" Ray Liotta was adopted at the age of 6 months. More than 40 years later, Ray hired a private investigator to track down his birth mother.

Future cult French director François Truffaut was the illegitimate child of Jeanine de Montferrand, he did not know his real father - Roland Levy (Jew), who was a dentist. Roland Truffaut, whom his mother married, recognized François as an adopted child and gave him his last name. From birth, Truffaut lived in the care of various nannies and his grandmother, who instilled in him her love of books and music. He lived with his grandmother until her death, when he was 10 years old, after which he was reunited with his mother and stepfather for the first time.

Mother died when Coco Chanel she was barely twelve, later her father left her with four siblings; Chanel's children were then in the care of relatives and spent some time in an orphanage.

Pierce Brosnan was born on May 16, 1953 in the Irish city of Drogheda. A year after the birth of his son, the father left the family, and the mother left the boy in the care of his grandmother. At the age of 11, he and his mother moved to London.

Father Eddie Murphy died when he was still a child. After his death, his mother fell ill, and the brothers had to live with a foster family for a year. Eddie and his brother later grew up together in Roosevelt, New York with their mother and stepfather Vernon Lynch, an ice cream foreman.

Mother Ella Fitzgerald died of a heart attack when she was 14 years old. Due to disagreements with her stepfather, Ella moved to live with her aunt Virginia Henry and began working as a caretaker in a brothel, where she came into contact with the life of a mafia and gamblers. After the police and child welfare services took care of the underage girl, she was placed in an orphanage in the Bronx, later transferred to a boarding school for girls in the Hudson, but Ella soon escaped from there and remained homeless for some time.

The childhood of the famous boxer Mike Tyson it was very hard. Luckily, celebrity coach Cus d'Amato spotted him. D'Amato settled Tyson at home and even formalized custody of him - Mike did not remember his real father, and his mother was a drug addict and soon died. Almost no one survived from Mike's children's company - his friends went to prison or died, including before his eyes.

Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple and Pixar, was born to an unmarried student couple. The relatives of the Syrian and Catholic lovers so strongly objected to their relationship that the child was given up for adoption. Paul and Clara Jobs, who adopted the child, could not have their own children. Steve's biological mother wanted the adoptive parents to have college degrees, and after learning that Clara hadn't graduated from college and Paul had only been in high school, she only signed the adoption papers after they made a written commitment to pay for Steven's college education. Two years later, the Jobs "got" Steve a sister - they adopted a girl named Patty. Jobs always considered Paul and Clara to be father and mother, he was very annoyed if someone called them foster parents: "They are 100% my real parents." According to the rules of official adoption, the biological parents did not know anything about the whereabouts of their son, and Steve met his own mother and younger sister only after 31 years.