Each fairy tale ends with the prince and princess coming together and living happily ever after. And then - not a word about the disputes about who will wash the toilet. In real life, of course, everything is not so romantic. Match so harmoniously to keep leading former life in full, most likely, will not succeed. This means that you will have to adjust something, change your habits, look for compromises.

What are the mistakes we most often make when we start living together, and can they be avoided?

Creu.ru

change dramatically

Let's start with the banal, but commonplace. There are legends about women who, having moved in with a man, relax, stop looking after themselves and begin to walk around the house exclusively in curlers and dubious-looking dressing gowns. Of course, I would like to believe that modern world this is still a kind of exaggerated horror movie, and no one today calls for getting up before husband and bring beauty. Nevertheless, abrupt metamorphoses should be avoided. Hopefully, a man knows what you look like without makeup, and you don't scare him by washing off your eyebrows.

We are talking about changes not only external, of course. Transform from a sweet, calm person, barely crossing the threshold common house, a brawler / brawler who (s) falls into a tantrum because of a dirty cup or a call from an unfamiliar number is also not worth it.

Deprive each other of personal space

Normally, each person needs a certain amount of personal space. Someone needs to not be touched in the morning for an hour and certainly not earlier than two cups of coffee. Someone prefers to sit in silence, having come home after a hard day's work. Living under the same roof does not mean at all that you have to grow into each other and others “we are such friends with him, where he and I go”. Relationships should not be cramped and stuffy, and so that you don’t want to break out of them, you need to give each other (if necessary) to be alone or just in silence.

Totally control

Here, as in the first paragraph, everything is entangled in legends, tales and horror stories like those that as soon as a couple begins to live together, a woman waits for her beloved at the door every day with a rolling pin in her hands, keeping her eyes on the dial, and then makes her breathe into a tube.

Naturally, when cohabitation the whole life is at a glance, and it will not be possible to stay late for half an hour from work imperceptibly. In addition, with such closeness, one may sometimes be tempted to flip through unopened mail or turn out the pockets of pants before sending them to the laundry. No need. Remember that a person needs personal space, including outside the home. Not to mention that if there is no trust in a relationship, then it is better not to start them at all.

impose your own rules

Every adult has his own way of life, his own idea of ​​how things should be, his own rules that have been formed over the years. Naturally, take and bring to life drastic changes difficult and painful.

For example, one of you is used to having dinner on the couch in front of the TV, while the other needs a full-fledged feast. Or in the family of one it was customary to walk around the house in shorts, hiding nothing from prying eyes, and the second was scared to death by articles that a man should not even think that you have periods or grow hair on your legs. We remember that with their charter they don’t climb into someone else’s monastery, but here we have two charters, so we’ll have to look for a compromise.

Pay attention to nonsense

Starting to live with someone, you must be prepared for such classics of the genre as socks scattered around the house, untwisted tubes of toothpaste and plates thrown in the sink. But you need to understand that there won’t be enough health for every thrown dirty mug, and it’s easier to relate to all this. On the one hand, yes, it is from all these everyday little things that our life is made up, but on the other hand, if we are not ready to put up with them, then it is better to live alone.

Don't bring up financial matters

The question is also not easy, since not everyone knows how to openly discuss money topics. But when you move in, you still have to more or less decide how your expenses will be handled from now on. Options for both separate and joint budgets are possible, and in both cases additional questions will arise, because one of the partners, for example, earns significantly more than the other, or one adherent of austerity, and do not feed the other with bread, let them lower half the salary on the first day.

Pull alone all household chores

As before, as about incredible luck, great luck and unthinkable happiness, women talk about the ability of a husband, boyfriend, partner to equally share the burden of household chores. That is, if a man can wash the dishes and take out the trash, then this is regarded as a gift from heaven, and if he is sometimes also able to cook something, then this is generally marvelous. Yes, despite all the achievements of modern civilization, the topic is still painful, and more often than not, “moving in” for a woman means getting an additional load (for example, many say that, living alone, they didn’t bother cooking much, but when they started living with a man, they began to fully stand at the stove), while a man, on the contrary, gets a free housekeeper. It would be better if we discuss at least an approximate distribution of responsibilities even before the stage of packing the suitcases.

Play silent

It is foolish to believe that a partner should guess about your thoughts, read them in your eyes and feel them in your heart. The only way to normal relations All of this is to be discussed openly. To speak out, not embarrassed to offend a person, is better than silently suffering from misunderstanding, for months, years, accumulating resentment and anger.

Hope for a miracle

In order not to be excruciatingly painful, you do not need to hope that, as soon as you start living together, you will immediately be able to change your partner and instill in him the necessary (in your opinion) habits. It is worth discarding illusions, forgetting your ideas about ideal relationship and really see things. Because real life is not only wrapped in a blanket to watch your favorite series in an embrace, but also a hard struggle for the remote control.

And yes, it doesn't hurt to buy a second blanket.

Coach, hypnotherapist Marina Rybnikova answers these and other questions.

As a rule, women react to the angry attacks of their husbands in two ways:

They answer evil words with reciprocal barbs; this usually ends in a serious squabble, quarrels, long quarrels. Over time, this style of communication alienates the spouses from each other, since each of them is pressed by the burden of memories of experienced insults;

They try to smooth all corners - taking evil words seriously, these women try to make amends for their non-existent guilt and please their husbands in everything in order to avoid such outbreaks in the future. Such an approach has a negative effect on both partners: in a man, he wakes up a tyrant who, without meeting resistance, will continue to torment his wife with petty nit-picking, and dooms a woman to a life full of resentment and disappointment.

How to respond to rudeness

Husband made a scandal out of the blue and can't stop blaming you for all conceivable and unthinkable mistakes? Take a deep breath and... don't say anything. Try not to take his words personally - it's not him who screams, but his irritation, ego or hurt pride. Distract from emotions and evaluate what is happening soberly and impartially in order to understand what actually caused the outburst of anger.

If you find it difficult to emotionally distract yourself, mentally build a glass wall between you and your husband that allows positive emotions and repel negativity. This will help you maintain equanimity and protect yourself from destructive action. offensive words to your address.

Later, when the storm subsides, you should definitely discuss what is happening in order to work out a joint way to overcome this problem. Speak softly and kindly, do not reproach or reproach: your goal is not to avenge the suffering, but to find out the cause of irritation and prevent the occurrence of such outbreaks in the future.

Why does irritability appear and how to deal with it?

Reason 1. Comfortable style behavior

You endure, please and try to solve the problem peacefully, and the partner perceives this as permission to let go of their emotions. He does not see anything reprehensible in raising his voice at you and breaking loose at every opportunity - this allows him to let off steam, and your feelings are not taken into account at all.

What to do?

If this is not the first time this has happened, it will be difficult to change the established tradition. The man got away with it repeatedly, and now you have to convince him that this should not continue anymore. Establish new rules that anyone who feels like they are ready to break loose should "take a break" - count to ten, wash or retire to another room until the wave of irritation subsides. Any serious talk should be conducted only in a calm atmosphere and even voice.

With a man of what temperament you do not get along

• More

Reason 2. Extreme fatigue

Workaholics and people in positions of responsibility tend to underestimate how tired they are. But it will definitely manifest itself - either by a deterioration in well-being, or problems with self-control. No one is safe from outbursts of anger due to overwork - they can be provoked by difficulties at work, a report, an accident, and hundreds of other situations.

What to do?

Gently and calmly explain to your husband that the family is not a place to dump negativity. Show how much you appreciate his efforts at work, and offer alternative routes getting rid of stress. Highlight a man personal time, which he can devote to relaxing activities: listen to music, take a shower, work out on the simulators or go for a run. Perhaps you decide to have pet, with which the spouse can walk in the evenings, or make a habit of walking before going to bed - there are many options, and you just have to choose the one that suits your husband best. The main thing is that this action allows him to get rid of excess adrenaline and restore inner peace.

Reason 3. Wrong image life

A disturbed sleep pattern, abuse of tonic drinks and junk food lead to discord in all body systems and inevitably affect emotional state person.

What to do?

Get "useful" family rituals: getting up early, jogging, visiting the pool or regular walks. Review your diet and, if possible, change it towards healthier and safer foods. Do not try to break the established way of life in one day, introduce changes slowly but persistently, and reinforce them with the arguments of specialists. As soon as a man feels the real benefit from your "innovations", he himself will gladly follow them.

Reason 4. Lack of attention

Often, outbursts of irritation are an expression of accumulated resentment - you devote all your time and energy to raising children, work and household chores, and the man feels abandoned and unnecessary.

Romantic relationships with an extroverted man can be difficult, especially if you are his complete opposite and prefer quiet family evenings to noisy parties with friends.

Difficult to understand for an extrovert true meaning the words "to be silent together." He prefers to talk, joke and enjoy the attention of others. And sometimes it can be really annoying.

An extroverted man is a very special "fruit". If you are used to the fact that most of the representatives of the stronger sex in your environment are silent and try not to show their feelings, then with an extrovert you will have to adjust to a completely different wave. No, this does not mean at all that an extrovert is not masculine and behaves like a woman. He just needs to constantly voice what has accumulated in his soul, discuss problems and receive feedback. An extrovert cannot imagine his life without active communication and from the partner will demand the same, namely, complete emotional return.

Let's reassure in advance: an extrovert is not a talking bird at all, he also sometimes wants peace and quiet, although this is more an exception than a rule. Require an extrovert to spend the third Saturday night in a row alone with you when his best friends are going noisy company in a bar, it’s also not worth it - conflict cannot be avoided.

WHAT EXTRAVERTS DON'T LIKE?

Let's clarify in advance that the purest extroverts are a rather rare phenomenon. Almost all of us have mixed qualities of both personality types. However, some tend to predominate. If you are sure that your chosen one is certainly not a "thing in itself", but rather a "thing around itself", then try not to scare him away following words and actions:

2. Home neighborliness. An extrovert just needs to be around people. Such a man will invite you to the cinema, to various exhibitions, receptions and other events. No, this does not mean at all that he does not want to be alone with his beloved woman, it's just that such a pastime quickly bores him. Try several times in a row to refuse an extroverted man to go out together, and he will begin to go out there without you.

3. Ignoring without explanation. If an extroverted man is offended, he will definitely tell you what, why, how, and in what way you could correct the situation. He can make a scandal (don't forget - he needs to speak out), but being silent for three days is not about him. Therefore, an extroverted man is sincerely perplexed when a partner "sends him to the block", without even bothering to explain why, in fact, the fuss. At first he will honestly try to find out everything, and then he will just get angry, slam the door and go to a bar with his best friends.

4. Ingratitude. Extrovert men are mostly vain. They need to be praised, they need to say "thank you" all the time, and their gifts need to be rejoiced as if they were all theirs. conscious life you dreamed about this strange-smelling perfume of unknown origin. Yes, in some ways these representatives of the stronger sex resemble the pupils of the middle group of the kindergarten. But who said it would be easy?

After all, you won't deny that you're waiting too. sincere thanks when you do something with love for a loved one?

HOW TO STAY INTERESTING FOR THE EXTRAVERT

1. Constantly develop. Recall once again - he does not need a boring homebody. A woman, according to a typical extrovert, should be bright, enthusiastic and easy-going.

2. Be able to listen and speak. They are like that - you need to listen to them and keep the conversation going. By the way, at first this may confuse you, but in terms of intimate relationships, extroverts prefer not to be silent. Therefore, do not be surprised to hear: "Did you feel good with me?". Answer: "Of course, yes, honey," if you do not want this meeting to be the last.

3. Be ready for reckless deeds. Get out of bed at three in the morning and go wandering around the city at night, although tomorrow you both have to work? Easily! An extrovert may not think of such a thing. No, this does not mean that a man is a little "that", he just loves life and does his best to avoid dullness and boredom.

It doesn't take much to start a family conflict.: the husband put his things in the wrong place, the wife burned the meat, the child got a deuce. And it started: mutual reproaches, communication in raised tones, and in the end - a loud scandal with slamming doors. The conflict flared up with the participation of both sides, which means that it must be resolved together. But no matter how much you want to shift the responsibility to another, a lot depends on you.

To solve the problem of how to get along with a man, you need to seriously look at your motives. You, for some reason, married him, then you were not so annoyed by his misdeeds and minor shortcomings. He has not changed, your attitude has changed.

Habits to fight

Probably, so much has already been said about socks scattered around the apartment and not always lowered toilet seat that this problem became the talk of the tongue. A man, if he does not scatter them openly, then carefully compiles them in the far corner of the room. And these socks boomerang back to him in the form of dissatisfaction with a woman who has to clean it all up. There are more neglected difficulties, there are such instances that suffer from Plushkin's syndrome - they are ready to bring whatever they like into the house, turning it into a cache called "Just for every fireman."

You can and should fight these habits. Show your spouse where the dirty socks should be, and where the clean ones should be. Discuss this issue and assign him penalties for non-compliance. But agree it will be a little dishonest if you do nothing on your part. Therefore, you will have to change something in yourself. However, such a mutual exchange of pleasantries can become similar to exciting game in which the family as a whole will benefit.

Habits worth adopting

Men see things differently. If at some point you just need sympathy, your husband will definitely begin to advise something. It is in his blood - at such a moment you are more than ever defenseless and he wants to show who is the boss in the house. This can be very offensive, but there is probably nothing you can do about it. Unless you say in plain text what you need from him: to regret or advise.

Love covers everything, believes everything, hopes for everything

This passage from the wise Bible is not accidental. If you began to get annoyed with your husband for any of the most insignificant reasons, you cannot stand his character, which means that you simply forgot why you are there. As soon as you remember that this is your loved one, appreciate his merits and virtues and become grateful for your relationship, all your irritation and stress will be removed as if by hand. And after all, the man has not changed - it's you who just returned your own feelings.

Any dates and meetings lead us to a life together. Today, many girls who have finished school are already living in civilian or traditional marriage. But how to live with a guy together, not quarrel and take care of yourself if before that you lived alone? This problem can be solved only with the help of independent thinking and self-discipline. After all living together This is daily work on yourself.

How to live with a guy together and not quarrel?

This is the most complex issue. After all, each of you has interests and ambitions that can interfere with another person.

To avoid a large number quarrels, you must:

• Consider the opinion of the guy;
• Do not make independent decisions;
• Do not be jealous and do not try to control him;
• Stop following him and not go into his things;
• Understand everything without the help of parents or friends.

Be mindful of personal space. Do not include the elderly grandmother. Be patient. If you tell him what to do, how to behave and get into his life, then he will definitely run away from you to a more tolerant lady.

You should also be able to cook and clean, at least for yourself. Even a very beautiful girl can cause dislike if she is sloppy and lazy. Remember this.

How to take care of yourself while living with a guy?

This is another reason for the collapse of relations. After all, he met beautiful girl but forced to live with a disheveled witch. To avoid this, you should follow a minimum of appearance rules.

Remove your hair after waking up. Don't do cool complex hairstyle, but simply remove the morning disheveledness. Wear minimal make-up on your face. You can use any cream and not bright shine for lips. It will not take much time, but will create the effect of well-groomed.

No need to wear old clothes in the style of your great-grandmother at home. You feel like he doesn't care. This is an illusion. The more you put on the “ala, local homeless” trends, the faster you will stop living with a guy.

Don't forget the little things. Cut your nails, wash your hair, shave your legs (and other places). Let him see that you are kind to your body. Then he will also be kind to you.

Joint life and personal life

Among other things, do not forget about your personal life and the guy's personal life. Don't shut yourself off from society. Let the young person:

1. Visit relatives;
2. go to friends;
3. Engage in hobbies;
4. Communicate with whom he wants;
5. Do not report to you on trifles.

At the same time, he must do the same. After all, it is freedom that is the path to harmony in relationships. And the lack of personal life and constant control cause tension, which will soon lead to the end of the relationship.

Remember that if he needs it, then he will definitely leave you. And neither any jealousy and surveillance will help here.

But you don't have to let it go too much either. He can think about open relationship and find another girl on the side. And this is not good.

Together we build a life

This is not the most important, but significant part of the relationship. After all, domestic problems now you have to solve together. Therefore, each of you should have your own household responsibilities.

Teach the guy

• Go shopping;
• Taking out the trash;
• Clean up after yourself;
• Cook and heat up food.

Don't be a typical housewife. And let him not be a housekeeper. Do everything together. Then none of you will be overtired.

Also, do not get hung up on money, trying to control your joint financial expenses. It's best that both of you have money. So no one will depend on anyone.

In everyday life it is necessary to yield to each other. No need to make a real law out of every rule. If you behave gently, then he will not be strict with you. The main thing is understanding and mutual respect.

Many girls do not know how to live with a guy together. But there is nothing complicated here. Just watch yourself live full life try to understand it. You will succeed. After all, even the most experienced housewife was once a young girl who lived with a young man for the first time.

Most interesting articles.