Question to a psychologist

Hello, I don’t know what to do, I sometimes have aggression, and those around me love me very much, but I also have hysterics, in principle they are quite normal, but still I want to change, to be calmer... and I have strong depression after I break up with guys

Answers from psychologists

Good afternoon, Asia!

A person can experience different emotional states- it's quite normal. The only question is how long and how often he experiences negative emotional states. There is very little information in your letter to allow us to give you any recommendations. You need to undergo a professional diagnosis from a psychologist and then decide on further actions.

Best regards, Saule Smadyarova.

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Hello Asia! It’s never too late to change, the main thing is to have the desire. Most likely, aggression and hysterics are just a consequence, but the real reason somewhere deep inside. Come, let's work and make adjustments. Think about it. Good luck to you.

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Asia, hello!

Every person has a resource for learning to cope with surging negative emotions.

But... someone doesn’t consider it necessary to learn this and their resource remains unused.

It is given to you to understand what you want to change in yourself. And this is very important.

In the format of a face-to-face consultation, you can diagnose your condition, study behavioral patterns, characteristics of your psyche and give you tools for internal regulation.

Best regards, Inna.

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Question to a psychologist:

Good afternoon, dear psychologists! I am 24 years old. Single. Have no children. I study at a pedagogical university, and work as a salesman in a flower salon. I independent person. Two years ago I moved from my parents to Big city and since then I’ve been slowly spinning around on my own. I pay for my housing, food, and clothing. I read psychology and fiction. I love taking pictures. I live and enjoy life, despite the difficulties. To some extent, they taught me to appreciate life more, to enjoy more simple little things, which I hadn’t noticed before. And everything would be fine, but my personal life is not working out... I feel comfortable alone. It doesn't bother me. But like any (I think) woman, I want male support and care. I want children. My relationship hasn't worked out for five years. During this time I was not in a relationship for more than two months. Last time I had a 33 year old man. District police officer Has a higher education Teacher Education. Divorced. Have no children. According to him, he is very grateful to his parents for pushing him all his life. They provided me with a job and bought an apartment. Everything was provided. His father is a military man. He really loves order and cleanliness in the house, which cannot be said about me. I clean once a week and that's fine with me. I don’t litter much, I just throw things around. I believe that putting things in a closet according to a ruler is not the most important thing in life...

The relationship developed well. He took care of me: once he brought me something to eat at work, once he gave me flowers, once he took me to the cinema, once we walked hand in hand down the street. All this happened over the course of a month. Then he abruptly suggested living together. There was no intimacy yet. I didn’t agree to live with him, but suggested that I just stay with him more often and thereby more to each other take a closer look. She explained that if suddenly something doesn’t work out for us. he will stay at home, and I will be outside. I didn’t want to lose my rented apartment. He agreed with dissatisfaction, through gritted teeth.

I stayed with him often. I never returned home. I lived with him for two weeks and began to notice that he was taking advantage of me. I sit at home and clean up after work, and he can go out for a drink with friends. Okay, just once. And here last week became more frequent. More weeks passed, and I began to notice that he was not helping me financially, although I hinted that I had a toothache and had no money for treatment. He pretended that it didn't concern him. When did it happen to me unpleasant incident at work, he didn’t even stand up for me, although he could have. My partner stole my money. I had to figure it out myself. But when I didn’t take out the trash (their bottles of beer that they were drinking with a friend), he threw me such a tantrum that I was sitting there and not even cleaning up. I explained to him that I don’t owe him anything. He seemed to have calmed down. We agreed that we would clean up together. One day he went out with dubious friends, I started calling him, and he started hanging up. I was angry at the fact that I was sitting at home, cooking for him, and he went to some friends and deliberately did not pick up the phone. I packed my things and went home. Later, when he called, I explained that I would not allow myself to be treated this way. He began to beg and ask for forgiveness. I decided to give him a second chance and returned to him after 2 weeks. I came with my last money and he knew it very well. We spent a good time with him and for some reason everything turned sour (this is a mystery to me) after sex. He started shouting at me that I had been wandering around somewhere all these two weeks (even though I had not been anywhere), told me to pack my things and leave (he knew very well that there was no money for the trip, and it was night outside). I left. She said that I was not going to prove anything to him. I was deeply disappointed. Until recently I tried to find something good in him... In the morning I started calling, asking for forgiveness, saying that this would not happen again. I refused. He became disgusting and disgusting to me. At the very beginning of the relationship, he was different, gentle and caring. And now I can’t even find words to express my disdain for him. He began to insult me ​​with humiliating words, then said that he had bet on me. I did not respond to the insults. I wished him happiness, and he began to curse me.

Please help me understand why I attract tyrants?.. Do I choose them on a subconscious level?.. There were similar relationships before. No one could stand up for me! I always stand up for myself! They don't help me financially or morally! In this matter, I am my own friend. It turns out that my partner is trying to put me in a dependent position so that he can mock me later. I'm afraid to trust my feelings to someone, I don't know how to trust men and how I can depend on them when they can't give me basic things. Many women I know live supported by men and trust them with their lives, but I can’t!

I really want to healthy relationships so that my children have adequate parents. I think that's it normal people they want this!..

If we talk briefly about my family, not everything was smooth there. As a child, I experienced a lot of stress, which I don’t tell anyone about much. My dad left me and my mom. After this, my mother began to drink heavily. She often called me names, got angry and even kicked me out. My current men behave like my mother did when she was a child. Now everything is fine, I am with my father and mother. warm relations. Perhaps the root of my unsuccessful relationships comes from childhood, but I love both mom and dad so much that I simply can’t find the strength to believe it.

What should I do! How can you no longer attract tyrants into your life?

Kartveli psychologist Erika Shalvovna answers the question.

Hello Nadezhda!

You want to change something in yourself so as not to attract tyrants. This means that they are all in the past and the first step will be to change the thought of escaping from tyrants to the thought of meeting a self-sufficient man who wants Serious relationships. Describe the characteristics of a man who may be close to you in his views on life, family, and goals.

What is seen in the structure of your personality that attracts “tyrants” from your letter:

You write: “Two years ago I moved from my parents to a big city and since then I’ve been slowly getting by on my own. I pay for my own housing, food, and clothes.”

That is, you are independent and at the same time are not protected by the protection of your loved ones, because they are far away.

“I feel comfortable being alone. It doesn’t bother me. But like any (I think) woman, I want male support and care. I want children.”

To what extent is the desire for a family and children at 24 determined by your need, and not by socially desirable behavior? What does love mean to you and how ready are you to open up to another person in the sphere of feelings?

“I haven’t been in a relationship for five years. I haven’t had a relationship for longer than two months during that time.”

I dare to suggest that you were the initiator of the separation. Dating and choosing “your” guy is natural at your age Nadezhda. The only thing I would like to note is a deeper recognition of the guy’s personality before a closer relationship, which presupposes for a man the identification of a girl as “his own” and any attempts by a girl to show her independence are perceived as a violation of an unspoken agreement.

I will not consider the last situation in detail, because... You call a banal egoist and consumer a tyrant. This means that, firstly, you did not have time to get to know him as a person, and secondly, you did not respond to: “... he is very grateful to his parents for pushing him all his life. They provided him with a job, bought an apartment. They provided everything.” Even if this is so, it’s strange to tell a girl about it. He will also look for a benefactor in a woman. “The relationship developed well. He took care of me: once he brought me food to work, once he gave me flowers, once he took me to the cinema, once we walked hand in hand down the street. All this happened for a month. Then he abruptly proposed to live together. " You describe his actions that accompanied the period of courtship and at the same time do not write anything about feelings, about what you learned about his interests, plans, goals in the profession, etc. Perhaps in a month he got to know you better than you got to know him? Perhaps you need to ask more questions during the courtship period and listen carefully and hear the man in order to understand how close he is to you as a person? And if there are doubts, should we part with the prospect of “living” together while remaining acquaintances?

“I didn’t agree to live with him, but suggested that we simply stay with him more often and thereby take a closer look at each other. I explained that if suddenly something doesn’t work out for us, he will stay at home, and I will be on the street.” Very reasonable, and yet, since there were doubts about the choice, then why stay with him at all, when there is an opportunity to get to know him better by meeting. But it turns out that formally the courtship period has ended (from his point of view, a month was enough) and you owe something. Yes, you didn’t owe him anything, but ask the right questions and they had the right to get answers to them before bringing them closer to them! After all, YOU future wife and mom, and you need to take care of yourself for the only one with whom you want to go through your entire life path. Meet, get to know men, gain communication experience, but the rest is only for the one in whom you will not doubt, then there will be no disappointments.

".. I hinted that I had a toothache, but there was no money for treatment. He pretended that this did not concern him. When I had an unpleasant incident at work, he did not even stand up for me, although he could have. I have money My partner stole it. I had to figure it out myself."

We must speak directly, and not hint! To a direct question, a direct answer - everything puts everything in its place.

“Later, when he called, I explained that I would not allow myself to be treated this way. He began to beg and ask for forgiveness. I decided to give him a second chance and returned to him after 2 weeks. I came with my last money and he knew it very well.”

Leaving go! What kind of man would allow a woman to give him a chance? He simply restored his self-esteem by returning you. Do you really think that a 33-year-old man can be re-educated by a 24-year-old girl, moving closer and further away? By the age of 30, the basic values ​​and views have already been formed. Over the course of life, they can change and transform, but a psychologically mature person who thinks about the future has them. But it’s better to show your educational talents with your own children together with your husband, and not on your husband!

“Please help me understand why I attract tyrants?.. Do I choose them on a subconscious level?..”

You don’t choose them, you just follow their path and when you see that they are going in the direction opposite to your views, you try to change their course, and when this fails, you try to let go and wash up on the shore of disappointment. I think that you are not alarmed by those markers that indicate the narcissism of an egoist because... You wish strong man and support, and in your mind there are stereotypes for certain behavior of such men. You are confusing the confident behavior of an egoist with the behavior of a confident and responsible man. So you have to receive more information in the process of communication.

“There were similar relationships before. No one could stand up for me! I always stand up for myself! They don’t help me financially or morally! In this matter, I’m my own friend.”

This is how you initially position yourself as independent and independent! If you need material support, then you need to talk about it, and not rely on guessing to help you!

“It turns out that my partner is trying to put me in a dependent position so that he can mock me later. I’m afraid to trust my feelings to someone, I don’t know how to trust men and how you can depend on them when they can’t give basic things. Many the women I know live supported by men and trust them with their lives, but I can’t!”

Living on support is not a trust, but an unspoken contract for maintenance that can end at any time.

That's where there is mistrust the main problem. You perceive life as a struggle or an adjustment and this shapes your choices. You hear that a man has settled well (at the expense of his parents) and you think that you will become part of his “success,” but he is not used to giving, but only taking. You need to focus on M.Ch, who, just like you, is independently trying to arrange his life for the better. This similar attitude will make you real friends who help each other in difficult moments and enjoy successes together! Then feelings will appear, real ones, and not for something!

If you want to live on someone else’s support, then you need to talk about it directly (and not camouflage it with your independence) and accordingly prepare for the fact that you need to give up your independence. If you get something, you will definitely have to give up something. That is, you need to be honest with yourself: is this your path?

" she called me names, got angry and even kicked me out. My current men behave like my mother in childhood. Now everything is fine, and I have warm relations with my father and mother. Perhaps the root of my unsuccessful relationships comes from childhood, but I am so strong I love both mom and dad, I just can’t find the strength to believe it. What should I do?”

Dear Nadezhda, YOU yourself understand everything, so break this vicious circle co-dependent relationships in search of suffering. YOU are not to blame for anything and you don’t owe anyone anything! Forgive your parents and thank them for your birth, love will not diminish!

If you believe that the character you have is a flaw, then you can certainly try to change it. You will be able to do this only if you really put in a lot of effort, because character is formed over the years, with early childhood. It is possible that in best case scenario, you will only learn to hide some unsightly sides of your character, but there are situations when this is enough. Take action and then you will definitely achieve positive results.

Change bad habits to useful ones

Surely you understand that habits have an impact significant influence for our lives. If you want to acquire useful habits, then at first you will probably have to stimulate yourself. How to do it? For example, you are determined to go for a run tomorrow morning. In this case, prepare your running clothes and backpack in the evening. It is important to do this in advance, when you are still full of motivation to act. Having things prepared in the morning will significantly increase the chances that you will actually exercise. In some cases, in order to get rid of bad habits, it is necessary to permanently or at least temporarily change the environment that promotes these habits. The negative experiences you get from communicating with “unsuitable” people subsequently become a bad habit. For example, if you notice that you most often drink or smoke in the company of a certain person, then your meetings need to be sharply reduced. You can also learn good things in a good environment - sign up for one sports section, on interesting master class and so on. Try to limit access to bad habits. For example, if you spend a lot of time watching TV, then remove the batteries from the remote control in advance, placing them at a considerable distance from you. Do you want to quit smoking? Periodically get rid of all cigarettes, matches, and lighters in the house. Subsequently, in order to do something that you would like to get out of the habit of, you have to make additional efforts. In the mentioned cases, constantly get up to change the channel or get dressed and go to the store.

Make your character tougher

Do you think that you are a rather weak-willed person? In that case, you can make your character stronger by following some simple recommendations. First of all, no matter how difficult it may be, you must reject all advice that does not correspond to what you have already internally decided for yourself. Each person is guided by his own interests, and sometimes this happens unconsciously. That is why you should not force anyone to do as you wish, but do not allow others to impose their opinions on you. Determine for yourself the right way and follow it. It is also very important to learn how to manage your own emotions, suppress them in yourself if necessary. Your daily actions and decisions should depend only on common sense, and not be made under the influence of emotions. Often, sticking to this position is not easy, but if you make an effort, everything will work out. If a situation occurs that causes you a flurry of emotions, find an opportunity to interrupt the conversation, shut up, mentally count to ten, and only then continue the dialogue. If this is possible, then leave the situation without words at all, giving yourself time to think about it.

There is an opinion that thoughts are material. That is, the way you imagine the development of a particular situation is how it will most likely be. For example, if you are afraid of an upcoming meeting, in your thoughts you will scroll through its possible negative points, then most likely this will happen - this is exactly the psychological attitude you give yourself. Meanwhile, if you make an effort to relax and calm down as much as possible, and think about the positive aspects of the meeting, then everything will probably turn out quite well. Also accustom yourself to the fact that in any, even seemingly the most unpleasant situation there must be at least one plus - if trouble happens to you, find a positive side in it, it certainly exists, and always do this in such cases.

Become a confident and purposeful person

So what is self-confidence? First of all, of course, it is a strong belief in yourself. To achieve it, you need to completely abandon the habit of comparing yourself with anyone, and realize that you are a unique person, like no one else on Earth. If you constantly compare yourself with someone, you will always remain a loser, because you will invariably find those who, according to some criteria, seem better to you. Also stop constantly criticizing yourself - it’s hard to be a confident person, if you have a negative perception of yourself. It is equally important not to focus on what is left in the past. There is no need to waste your time and energy thinking about what is no longer in your life. You understand that there is no point in this? Such thoughts only distract you from the present and future. If you think that you lack determination, then at the moment when you need to do something, visualize the result. Imagine what will happen when you do this necessary work- you will receive some kind of payment for this, and so on. When performing any task, do not be distracted by extraneous activities, even if it is very difficult for you. Force yourself to finish the work you started, promising yourself some kind of reward after completing the task - it could be some kind of goodies or a more significant purchase. Imagine the relief you will feel when the job is finally done.

Improve character traits for the sake of your loved one

Often we think about how to change our character precisely because of those close to us. Of course, when we understand that some of our characteristics bring frustration and grief dear person, most of us want to fix this. If you understand that some trait of your character is spoiling your relationship with someone close to you, and at the same time you realize that this is a problem for you personally, then, of course, it makes sense to think about how to get rid of lack. We can talk about excessive touchiness, hot temper, jealousy, and so on. If you notice something like this happening to you, then try to control it.

What is temperament and how does it differ from character?

Before understanding the difference between character and temperament, let's define these two concepts. Temperament– a set of a number of properties of the human psyche that influence his activities and behavioral habits. The nervous system is responsible for temperament, and its sensitivity affects events, memory, and the pace of human activity. Character- a certain set of human qualities that manifest themselves in interaction with the outside world. Like temperament, it has a connection with the psyche, but is not given from birth, but is formed under the influence various factors. Character is influenced social environment, upbringing, environment, and so on. It is worth noting that temperaments can be divided into certain types: sanguine, melancholic, choleric, phlegmatic. Often people have mixed type temperament, but still let's try to consider them separately.

Choleric– the most unbalanced of all types. Easily excitable, quick-tempered. However, it may perform well in in case of emergency when speed of reaction is required. Sanguine– easy to communicate, friendly, quick to react. If there is interest, he is efficient; if there is no interest, he is lazy. Melancholic- characterized by increased anxiety. At the same time, he is very thoughtful, often erudite. Impressive. Phlegmatic person– the most calm type. Outwardly, he is not inclined to show emotions and is characterized by equanimity. Can do work slowly, but diligently.

Is it possible to change temperament and how to do it?

Psychologists tend to believe that temperament is given to us at birth, and it is impossible to completely change it, unlike character. Still, we note that some traits can still be developed or slightly adjusted. For example, if you are choleric and want to become more balanced, then learn to keep your emotions under control. The most popular advice in this case: at the moment when you feel that you are “on the edge,” count to yourself from one to ten. In general, in order to change one or another trait of temperament in yourself, you need to undergo certain exercises, choosing those that you consider necessary for yourself.

Become a different person in 1 day - is it real?

Unfortunately, becoming a completely different person in one day is unrealistic. The maximum that you can do during this period is to radically change your image and look different, and not the way others are used to seeing you. Well, in this case, it is important to understand that, most likely, the changes will be very superficial, because in order, for example, to change the features of the figure, it will take some time. However, you can also do a lot in a day - by at least, one very important thing that will set the vector for big changes. In a day you can outline an action plan, realize how you want to see yourself, for example, in a month or two. Describe this person on a piece of paper. After that, write down what you need to do every day to achieve this result. To summarize: only superficial internal and external changes. Serious changes require a certain amount of time, the duration of which depends specifically on your ultimate goal. Also, in a day you can completely think through an action plan that will help you achieve what you want.

It is impossible to improve your character and thereby your quality of life without exercising self-control. So what methods are there to develop it? Don't give in to impulses It is very important to recognize impulsive thoughts. You can develop self-control if you formulate strategies for yourself that will help you resist temptation in moments of impulse. Make a list of habits that you would like to control, as well as situations that provoke these habits in you. By being able to identify the moments at which you give in to impulse, you will learn to create a barrier between desire and subsequent action. Switch your attention If you decide to quit smoking, call ex-girlfriend or any other actions that do not improve your life at all, then self-control is what is simply necessary in similar situations. Firstly, if the desire to do something harmful to you appears, then admit it directly to yourself. Having realized that there is a problem, proceed to solve it - in in this case you should immediately “switch” yourself to something else. You can call a friend, start writing a letter to a relative, cook dinner, go to the cinema. Consciously force yourself to take on other things without giving in to temptation. Form a general behavior model Decide on a behavior pattern that you would like to control. We all have areas of our lives that require more self-control from us. Make a list of such areas, and mark at least a few of those that you have to work on. Remember that changing habits will take some time and you will have to put in some effort. This is why it is important to set realistic goals for yourself. It is important to understand that you can only control your behavior. For example, you should not set the following goal: “Be on good terms with your wife,” because such a point still requires some participation from the spouse. Formulate the goal differently, for example: “Be more tolerant of your wife.” Don’t take on many tasks at once - first try to succeed in at least some of them, and only then move on to the next ones.

A bad character can be corrected if desired.

With the right amount of diligence, you can certainly change certain aspects of your bad character, however, it is worth realizing that this is not done in a day or two - it will require a lot of practice. It is also important to understand what kind of character you want to have in the end - if you don’t think about it, then it will be stupid to wait for significant changes. Spend a couple of hours imagining (on paper) what kind of character you need, and only then will you be able to outline a further plan of action. Of course, if you want to make changes to your character, but don’t start doing anything to If this is the case, then the whole plan is doomed to failure. Devote some time to self-development. At first, you will probably feel uncertainty and fear, but overcome yourself and continue with your plans - this is the only way you can achieve success.

Human psychology: is it possible to change your character at 30 years old?

It is perhaps difficult to argue with the fact that a person can become better at any age. Of course, if he really wants it! If by the age of thirty you have come to the conclusion that certain traits of your character cause you inconvenience and do not in the best possible way, are affecting your life, then you can completely correct the situation! To change your personality you need to work on yourself Changes in any personality involve a large amount of internal work, but it's definitely worth it. As you work on yourself, try to imagine yourself as gardeners caring for your garden. When he wants his land to be fragrant with flowers, he gets rid of the weeds. In our case, flowers are inner strength, and weeds are weak thoughts that undermine our strength. This means that first of all you should get rid of excessive emotionality - emotions should be given only their true significance. Having noticed that you are tormented by some obsessive and unpleasant emotion, immediately “switch” yourself to something else - distract yourself for half an hour or an hour. Over time, you will learn to deal with such weaknesses. Also remember that honesty in everything is support strong character, so be a man of your word, and try not to lie - neither to yourself nor to anyone else. Find a role model or just be yourself If it is still difficult for you to decide what exactly you want to achieve, what kind of person you would like to be, then you can find an example to follow. We have already mentioned that you should not compare yourself with anyone, but in this case you should still find some kind of reference point for yourself. For example, think about which of your acquaintances inspires your admiration or respect, and what character traits contributed to this. After that, think about how this person manages to be exactly like this, and how you yourself could come to this. If over time you realize that you cannot adopt the necessary character trait, find positive sides self, and try to strengthen them. Self-analysis - a step towards a new you It may be difficult for you to fully decide on your desires, talents and desires. In this situation, detailed self-analysis can help you. In general, almost everything psychological tests are based precisely on self-analysis - based on the answer options, you can form an approximate idea about the person. However, you can completely do without tests or psychologists, and independently analyze your personality. It would be nice to fill out a diary, which would be regularly filled with new events from everyday life, as well as an analysis of your actions. Of course, you should write frankly, thinking that only this will help you understand the essence of your actions, open your inner world, realize the true motivation of certain actions. If you've never kept a diary before and you're having a hard time getting started, try writing a detailed biography about yourself - try to remember your biggest shocks and experiences. important events, starting from childhood. Try to “relive” these events again - you will probably be able to notice something in yourself that you did not pay attention to before. When conducting self-analysis, think carefully about what kind of people are in your environment - this is your “mirror”. Reflect on why you enjoy spending time with certain people what you find most attractive about them. This way you will understand what needs of yours they “fill”, and, accordingly, what needs you have in general. If in some people from your environment you see qualities that you yourself would like to have, be in their company more often, and yourself You won’t notice how you begin to adopt their features. In general, the same can be said about people you don’t like - if you are forced to constantly contact them, then later you can unwittingly become like them. Down with complexes and fears Develop the habit of acting in spite of fear. Realize that fear is simply a common reaction that occurs when you try to take steps that are unusual for you. Also learn to make decisions, because they are what force us to fight fear and still get down to business. Having seriously set yourself up for something, you will feel how your fear weakens, because it can only be where there is uncertainty. Give yourself internal installation: “Even though I am afraid, I decide to do it.” Of course, indecisiveness and fears are big obstacles to success. Try not to allow any prejudices into your life that are based only on someone’s superficial observations. Be guided only by those facts that are based only on common sense. Only by overcoming your fear will you be able to gain the strength of character that allows you to quickly, confidently and independently make the right decisions.

How to change your character? A person does not think about whether it is possible to change his character in moments of joy and contentment with life; this usually happens when he is once again faced with his own undesirable reactions that disrupt the priority course of events, or he begins to think about changes due to frequent comments from others for the sake of development. one's own personality or the convenience of one's immediate environment. However, we change our character only as a result of new experience gained or with the use of enormous volitional efforts. In addition, the requirement to change one’s characterological characteristics, without specifying the details that require changes and in what direction, can give absolutely unexpected result due to the fact that the worldview different people very different. Thus, when asking your friend to improve his character, you may expect to add confidence and assertiveness, while he will think about introducing tolerance and even more gentleness.

Can a person change his character?

For a certain time it was believed that it was impossible to change one's character, because... it is innate, but the genetic determination of traits makes up less than ten percent of the totality of characterological manifestations. What cannot be changed is because it directly reflects strength and organization nervous system, which are exclusively biologically determined indicators. For the most part, character is formed and changed by interests, which are also not static over the course of life (in childhood, preference is given to completely different types of activities than in mature age, and the character changes accordingly).

The next factor that makes up character is our social circle; it is those with whom we spend most of our time or those who have great emotional significance for us that influence our reactions and their changes, preferences in the time spent and tastes. But these are factors that can be influenced by a person, through which he can change his characterological traits, albeit not all, but there are also factors that are not subject to influence (at least in childhood, at the stage of personality formation) – habitat (this includes not so much geographical data as mentality and its characteristics that influence the formation of values ​​and interests) and education ( by example or models of interaction, parents and school instill or destroy certain traits, thereby forming a character).

Question independent change character, also in the chosen direction equally deserves two opposite answers: yes, it is possible, since character is not a static indicator inherent genetically, and no, it is impossible, since we change character not under the influence of conscious factors, but in the presence of a corresponding change in internal or external environment. But, nevertheless, people try to change their character, guided by willpower, and face failure, because for such serious personal changes there is little in front of anyone. Usually you want to become a little different under the influence of a temporary impulse (your loved one left you, your boss was rude, etc.), and when life returns to normal, the desire to change disappears. This indicates a lack of motivation or willpower, inhibitions or hidden needs, since in reality character is subject to change. Coming from habits and typical ways reaction and thinking, succumbing to the influence of the surrounding society, education and activities performed, the character changes when these indicators change.

Character changes independently with age (under the influence life experience), depending on the situation (the most modest quiet person, when danger approaches, will begin to act actively and attract attention) and on the environment (in different countries and with different people we show our different traits). And if by a change in character we mean a person’s ability to react in a necessary situation in a different way from his usual one, then such changes are possible, and can be easily carried out by each of us, except in cases pathological changes.

If the question is raised, is it possible to change character as a systemic rather than situational quality and change one’s reaction not only in specific situation, but to change the entire style of life, then such transformations are quite difficult. This does not deny the possibility for everyone, but real facts of a complete change in the style of life response have happened quite rarely, since it requires reshaping the entire internal structure of a person.

Character represents a set of habits not only materialistic and household plan, but also ways of reacting, respectively, the more habits a person is able to change, the Big changes character are available to him. The ability to make such changes is lost over the years, so in at a young age It is so easy to get used to new people and new places, but for older people it is difficult to interact in unusual forms, since it is difficult to change your usual stereotypical reactions. Characterological may be innate quality, so someone will unconsciously change and adapt to conditions, remaining flexible and adaptive all their lives (such people do not have the problem of changing character), and someone carries their beliefs throughout life and its various events, without moving from place to place. their moral concepts.

Changing character as a way of interacting with reality remains possible and not always a difficult undertaking, but requires awareness. Understanding why you need to change (for the sake of qualitative changes in your life or for the convenience of others who express dissatisfaction with your complex character), adequate yourself (assessing the degree of development and presence of certain qualities) and goal setting (in which direction to change and to what extent of manifestation) help you choose the right ways to achieve it and not give up halfway.

How to change your character for the better

Under changes in better side Different people may mean opposite things - some lack toughness, some lack tolerance, some try to learn to listen to others, while others need to learn to refuse. Therefore, before you begin to change your character, you need to analyze your existing qualities and criticize the need to change them. You can make lists of your strengths and weaknesses, and then make such lists from the point of view of the people around you. Only after analyzing the situation can you begin to make changes, because it may turn out that what your employees dislike actually makes you an effective worker and does not allow them to dump work on you, or that what you considered to be a certainty greatly hurts all your loved ones.

Literature and films can help in analyzing your personality, thematic meetings and psychological consultations - at all such events you get the opportunity to think, analyze the behavior of other people, take something as an example or see the consequences of such behavioral tactics. Deep works not only force you to look at the world differently, but also lay the experience of a different interaction in our inner world. If there are quite a lot of such variations in behavior in the inner picture of the world and, moreover, they are all internalized, then the freedom to choose your character will remain yours, and will present an easy process.

The analysis should form two images - you on this moment and you in the future. Regarding the first, you should stop deceiving yourself and justifying yourself, and honestly admit the presence of those qualities that exist (“I often take it out on my neighbors, but I give generous gifts,” reformulate it into “I often take it out on my neighbors, this is a fact, I am capable of generosity, this is also a fact"). Regarding the desired image, it’s worth finding people or characters that you like this issue you can be equal. Take a close look at the people whose character you like, whether all the traits suit you, whether the lifestyle they lead suits you, and other details. After careful study, it may turn out that you like only one feature in everything, and the entire accompanying lifestyle does not suit you critically, then it is worth once again reconsidering where you are striving.

When choosing character examples, be guided by your own feelings, since there is no list of best or worst qualities - what makes your life happier and more successful, fuller, more successful, is your personal improvement, even if others consider it negative. Just as praising certain approaches and views will not necessarily improve your character if after this you are more likely to be nervous, more tired and establish insincere relationships. The first thing that will come in handy on the path to any change is strengthening. It is important to move from the usual model of reaction and interaction to a new one - take a break to think about your reaction, then acting in a new or previous way will be your choice and it means that such behavior corresponds to the situation or you decided to leave this trait. Hot temper with such pauses can be replaced with ironic remarks, quick agreements to help to the detriment of oneself with polite refusals.

If a person himself does not notice the harm caused by his character to others, existing relations and his life in general, then friends and relatives can help, forcing them to think about what is happening with their questions - it is important to ask questions about the motivation for action, and not demand changes in the form of an ultimatum. If a person cannot be influenced, then the help of a psychotherapist may already be necessary, since complex nature often hides personal traumatization and without appropriate elaboration of painful moments, changes are unsafe. The help of specialists is also necessary when the changes have become pathological and it is necessary to correct at least the affective sphere with medication.

How to change your character to a tougher one

One of the misconceptions about desired character adjustments is that changes for the better are perceived as an increase in tolerance, loyalty and gentleness. But the problem is that such characters are very convenient for others, presenting a problem for the person himself. is considered better, but people with such a mentality take on too many other people’s problems, forgetting about own needs, which ends with a lack of energy to resolve one’s own issues.

If there is less and less of you in your life, and your thoughts are constantly busy solving other people’s problems, then it is worth adding a bit of toughness to your character. Take a closer look at people or characters who are capable of being tough, but remain kind and fair, and observe how they act in difficult situations what guides you when making a choice. Among your friends, as well as the heroes of books, there will definitely be those from whom you can borrow a couple of techniques for defending your position using correct methods. Basically it comes down to the ability to refuse, without feeling guilty, prioritizing in such a way that your life and moral well-being do not suffer. Many people continue to eat up all your time because you yourself have not given it enough value if you make it clear that your weekends are devoted to relaxation, and you will not exchange an evening with your family for work and good attitude colleagues - then respect for you will begin to manifest itself more strongly and the number of requests that interfere with your life will decrease.

Learn to express your opinion, not to adjust it to your superiors, significant person or the majority, but to voice exactly your point of view, which you may have to defend. Make your own decisions and take responsibility for them, accept criticism, but don’t let it change your mind instantly. Developing your manifestations strengthens character, trains personal responsibility and promotes personal maturity. Just as you stop justifying yourself and blaming successes and failures on others, also stop making excuses for others. Of course, a tsunami can destroy your office, and a hailstorm can prevent you from arriving on time, but this cannot justify a month of inaction or the absence of a warning call. Strictness towards yourself and others, in details and large-scale events, is what adds rigidity. At first, this will require effort of attention and will, so as not to give concessions, but over time you get used to living according to new laws, where there is no escape not only for you, but also for others, acquiring a new, tougher character. If similar manifestations will be one-sided, then you will turn either into a tyrant or driven by your responsibility. Only a clear division and retention of the framework of your and other people's responsibilities will help maintain balance.

Numerous letters from readers with questions can be divided into two parts. The first part is problems associated with a misunderstanding of men and male psychology. Women can't understand:

- why a man behaves this way and not differently;

- whether a man likes a woman or not;

- why the man reacted sharply to completely harmless words (from the woman’s point of view);

- how to please a man;

- why the man seemed to like the woman, and suddenly he left, and thousands of other reasons. I try to answer these questions in my articles on the website and in my book “How to make a man fall in love with you for life.”

The second part of the letters are letters about when there seems to be no particular misunderstanding. Men simply do not change anything in their behavior, despite numerous requests from women.

We will talk about the second problem today.

Every man has his own “things” that irritate a woman. Some like to argue, some whine, some constantly ask for words of love and hugs, and some do all of the above.

And if basically the man suits you, then you need to work with such “points”. There are two ways to work. The first way is to adapt to the man yourself, that is, get used to the fact that he constantly argues, get used to the fact that he whines, constantly utter words of love and hugs, etc.

Since the examples were given conditionally, the recommendations are general. I will not consider this method in this article, although it is the most powerful. Sometimes, because a woman adapts and stops paying attention to the “peculiarities” of a man, his behavior changes on its own.

The second way is to change the man’s behavior at least partially. This is possible in many cases.

And if you hear from someone (read in comments, forums) that a man’s behavior cannot be changed, do not believe it. Of course, there are some innate character traits and innate behavior. It is very difficult to change it, and I think it is not necessary. To give an analogy, you are unlikely to be able to teach a tiger to fly or an eagle to swim underwater.

However, both tigers and eagles learn a lot during their lives, not to mention what animals learn in the circus. The progress in behavior is amazing. The bears skate, and the tiger gets a big one, tasty bone with meat (the trainer's head) directly into his mouth, but he doesn't even eat it.

What can we say about the crown of nature - man?

And a man can be taught to skate, be polite to a woman, give her gifts, pick up his socks, and whatever else you need.

A man can easily change a lot about himself, and even more so under the influence of a skilled woman. This happens all the time, look around. How much have I seen happy families, in them the partners necessarily adapt to each other to a greater or lesser extent. And not just women. Men also adapt, learn and master what is important for a woman, give up something, or vice versa, acquire new skills.

Now, actually, about how to change a man’s behavior that does not suit you to something else. As you've probably learned from your experience with men, men often ignore a woman's requests to change her behavior.

Why is this happening? Of course, there may be several reasons, but what are the most common reasons?

The first and most common reason is that men don’t even understand that a woman is dissatisfied with something.

When a woman is dissatisfied with something, she necessarily expresses it in her behavior. Perhaps this is facial expressions, sometimes silence, sometimes a woman tells a man what she doesn’t like, but says something that is not entirely clear to the man.

The women around her will, of course, understand her. They will also understand that she is dissatisfied, even if the women are silent. Just what does this change? The main thing is that the man does not understand.

How to talk to a man so that he finally begins to change his behavior? This is the topic of more than one article, but still very briefly.

- Speak to a man directly, not in hints: “ Take away your socks", but not “Darling, I love it when our room is tidy.”.

- Without unnecessary emotions. Not “As much as you can say, pick up your socks. I'm already tired of the same thing", and a dozen more fair proposals, but calmly and monotonously: “ Take away your socks».

— Give logical arguments that you prepare in advance, for example: “Pick up your socks, otherwise my sense of smell is more sensitive than yours and the smell is unpleasant to me.”.

Repeat the conversation several times. Everything seems clear here. No one changes their habits with one influence, including women. Be patient with your man or yourself as you change your habits. So repeat the conversation.

Don't try to change everything at once. Be happy with small changes. You may want to change a lot of things in your man's behavior. Just understand that this is not possible right away. Take some small habit and practice it. You will understand how and what needs to be done, and the man will get used to the fact that he is being changed.

Enough common mistake women is to take on the strongest annoying habit. This rarely leads to anything good. For example, starting to change a man by making him quit smoking is not very good idea. In 99% of cases it will end in failure and a lot of quarrels.

Encourage change. Not “No matter how much I tell you, you still sometimes forget to put your socks away.”, A " Darling, I am so grateful to you that you sometimes began to put away your socks without a reminder.”.

I like how well everything is described about how to accustom a man to new habits in the book by Anastasia Gai "How to make a man get off the couch 2. Secrets of happy women".

And on my own behalf I will also add that do not be offended by a man, thinking that he understands you, but allegedly does it out of spite. He doesn't understand anything, even if you told him.

The second reason is that a woman does not discuss her dissatisfaction with a man at all.

I highlighted this as a separate point, although this, of course, does not follow the rules of logic.

In order for a man to change his behavior, you need to learn to communicate with him. It’s not me you need to learn to communicate through letters. Not with friends or relatives to discuss how a man behaves “wrong”, but with him.

Tell your partner what you want from him and what you are unhappy with. Of course, this is a little difficult at first, however, only such behavior, and not silence, can have an effect.

Take, for example, a fairly common problem that women have with men. A man constantly asks a woman to tell him words of love, write it in SMS and emails. If words of love are not spoken, then the man begins to be offended and manipulate in other ways.

This sometimes begins to irritate a woman so much that she no longer gets any pleasure from communicating with her partner and even breaks off the relationship. After all, words of love, according to a woman, should come from the heart, and not be spoken several times a day on demand.

Any attempt to explain to a man that a woman is tired of a man’s demands only leads to resentment. What to do? (I remind you that the example, although from real life, but is given to analyze the algorithm for communicating with a man.)

Of course, you must first try to understand the man yourself, or ask him why he behaves this way? And then talk to him so that he changes his behavior.

Let's say it turns out that not only women understand little about the psychology of men, but men also understand female psychology even less. It turns out that a woman expresses her love for a man in all ways available to her, but these men “ available methods for a woman” doesn’t understand at all.

It seems to him that the woman does not love him. (loves little) This may be completely wrong, or so, in in this example it doesn't matter at all. We need to solve the problem.

The solution may be something like the following. You distract your man from business, ask him to come to you and, preferably, sit him somewhere so that he does not run back and forth. Tell him that you have a problem that you cannot solve without his help.

Tell him that you love him very, very, very much, you cannot live without him even for one second and without him you will immediately die. However, his constant demands to constantly say this, write in SMS and emails, irritate you, and, in the end, gradually kill this love.

Say that you can speak words of love only when it comes from the heart, and not on demand. Demands and insults do not at all strengthen your love, but on the contrary, they weaken it.

This is roughly the text, which, of course, needs to be adapted to the situation, to yourself and to your man.

If a man is silent during your explanation, then you should definitely ask him to state what you said in his own words. For example: “Do you understand what I’m saying? Tell me what do you understand?”

For your part, you can also “move on” a little and tell your man a couple of times a day without his requests: “I love you” or something like that. There is no need to keep your man on a starvation diet of words of love. You will soon understand that in order to pronounce these words, it is not at all necessary to have some special mood that occurs once every 10 years.

That's all, actually. The situation, which could have led to numerous quarrels, resentments and even separation, has been resolved and you continue to live happily. Of course, such situations life together there will be not one or two. And a woman’s ability to resolve them smoothly largely determines whether the family will be happy or not.

The same applies to other situations. If by and large you are satisfied with a man, but some of his “fads” irritate you and somehow negatively affect the relationship, then do not remain silent and do not think that he will understand you by reading your secret thoughts. Discuss and discuss again, but only without criticism and humiliation. There’s no need to say, “You’re so old, let’s change quickly, otherwise I’ll leave.” No, that will not do. I will repeat once again that first you need to think through the conversation yourself, understand not what does not suit you, but what you want to see ideally and to achieve this very ideal from a man.

Well third, perhaps the most important. All these methods will work if they are superimposed on confidence and internal subconscious beliefs. We have a lot of articles about this on our website." Sunny hands". If you have an image in your head, ( parent program) What “all men... all they can do is lie on the couch and drink beer, but women are forced to earn money”, then no techniques for changing a man’s behavior will help. Subliminal programs will block everything.

If in your head there is an image of what “Men love to take care of women, they have a need to admire them, that men have an innate need to achieve success, which simply needs not to be killed, but to be developed.”, then the techniques will work like new Swiss Watches. If there is no such image, then it’s time to develop it.

In total, in order to live happily with a man, you need to develop new image and learn to communicate with him. And learning to communicate means, firstly, simply discussing your problems with him, and not with other people, trying to understand the man himself, trying to understand in what ways a man can change, and what is important for him. Good luck and happy relationships.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.