Nearly all people experience resentment sooner or later in their lives. Someone quickly forgets about such an incident, while someone cannot forgive the offender for a long time. There are grievances that should not be forgiven. But universal recommendations on this account does not exist. Each person has boundaries beyond which he cannot forgive. At the same time, hardly anyone will deny that touchiness is a negative quality.

With a person who does not forgive anything, it is difficult to build relationships with others. In addition, a hidden resentment is always a heavy burden on a person’s shoulders. On one side of the scale there is always resentment, and on the other - the desire to improve relations. If we are talking about a person who you do not really need and is important, you can simply forget the offense. But when you have a relationship with him great importance You should sort out your feelings and try to forgive. This will make building relationships much easier. Despite the fact that most often we are deeply offended precisely by people dear to us.

If you have been greatly offended by a person close to you, you need to sit down at the negotiating table. Understand what happened. This can sometimes be very difficult to do. But it is always worth remembering that the other person's view is completely different from yours. He may not know that he offended you. Try to understand the motives of the offender, why he did this to you. Was it the intention to harm you? Or was there an accident? Or maybe the offender is unaware of your feelings?

Why is resentment necessary?

Forgiveness is more necessary for those who have been offended. It is not always necessary to repent of the offender in order to let go of anger at him. Try to track why you hold a grudge against a person. It is not uncommon for a person to deliberately evoke feelings of guilt and manipulate the offender. It is unlikely that such a relationship can be called sincere.

There is another version of strong resentment: when a person holds it to himself. In this case, she destroys him from the inside, directs his life into the channel of self-destruction. After all, subconsciously, we wish the offender death.

Resentment is always a demand for a certain attitude or behavior towards oneself. To forgive, you need to figure out whether such a requirement is really adequate or is it just pride and pride.

Forgiveness of strong grievances always requires great psychological effort and time. But psychological comfort and calm at the moment of letting go of anger is always worth it. Do not hope that once you decide to forgive, the resentment will evaporate. It takes time to forgive a deep hurt. At the same time, the sooner you begin to deal with your feelings, the better. When resentment lives in the mind for a long time, over time it acquires more and more sinister features, and it becomes more and more difficult to forgive.

It is generally accepted that only a man is inherent in polygamy. But opinion polls conducted by US scientists refute this stereotype. The participants were asked a juicy question: “Do you agree to be unfaithful to your regular partner if he doesn’t know about it or not?” The results surprised even experienced researchers. 82% representatives strong half Humanity predictably gave an affirmative answer. The indicators of the ladies were slightly different. 78% would agree to adultery, taking advantage of the spouse's ignorance. Unfortunately, infidelity is such a common occurrence that most people accept an affair on the side as the norm and do not regret what they did.

It is common for all people to fantasize on erotic themes. They do not always turn into reality, because a person is able to consciously control his own behavior, despite the “innate instincts” that the infamous Sigmund Freud spoke about. modern science confirms the opinion of a psychologist about the importance of libido (sexual desire) for each of us.

Should I forgive my husband's betrayal? The answer of psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is that it is impossible to give a universal recipe. Some do not consider the contacts of the spouse on the side of the tragedy, others cannot forgive betrayal. The interpretation of adultery is also different. Many mean by the concept of "betrayal" sexual contact outside of marriage. In fact, the essence of the concealment of this fact. This is a deception, typical phrases like "I took care of your feelings, therefore I hid it." Behind such a formulation lies true hypocrisy. Relationships in which such a scenario is implemented are initially flawed, only behind the veil of love, idealization of the chosen one, you did not notice this.

Why does it hurt so much?

Is it possible to forgive a cheating husband? Each person decides for himself what is acceptable in married life and what not. Sometimes the one who has forgiven betrayal makes a decision under the influence of his own fear of losing a partner or unhealthy neurotic love, readiness to endure, keep silent, hide true emotions. This speaks of the weakness of a person's character.

According to Mikhail Labkovsky, most of these people have experienced a similar feeling before. They were betrayed by their parents, giving them up for education in another city, leaving to work, not taking them from kindergarten. The child is accustomed to resentment and transfers these feelings to adulthood. How will I leave, if I have a common house, a loan, small children, I don’t want to share property, I’m used to such a good-for-nothing, endure, fall in love. Typical psychology victims. Vicious circle suffering in which a person plunges himself.

It is up to you to decide whether it is worth taking him back into the family. There are a lot of cases when a woman forgave her husband's betrayal, the couple reconsidered their relationship and everything got better. But first, it is necessary to discuss the rules of cohabitation that suit both, find out the reasons for infidelity, work on their elimination by common efforts.

Pitfalls of adultery

Psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya advises trying to understand what forced a person to do this. Especially if the husband does not admit his own guilt and does not regret what happened. Imagine how bad it must be family life so that a person betrays a loved one and does not repent? It is worth reviewing your relationship, analyzing, searching problem areas, which you may not have noticed behind the daily bustle and monotony of life.

If the husband asks for forgiveness for treason, the decision is up to you to make.

You can listen to recommendations. best friend, advice from experienced colleagues, but do not try to shift responsibility for own life. To the question is it worth it to forgive the betrayal of her husband forum dedicated women will not give an exact answer, because each situation is individual, needs special approach. Seek help from a psychologist to understand yourself, analyze the hidden subtext family problems, own weak spots. After all, as Polina Gaverdovskaya recalls, the cause of suffering is hidden in ourselves. Sometimes jealousy, panic fear of losing a loved one is a projection of a vicious experience, a manifestation of inner uncertainty.

It is especially important that the spouses forgive past grievances, misunderstandings, move on together or separately if the couple has children in common. family crises are especially difficult to tolerate by younger family members due to immaturity, lack of life experience and attachment to both parents. You can not turn children's love into a weapon, a method of manipulation.

Only a close person can hurt, who did not live up to our expectations, did not remain faithful, succumbed to temptation. But why place such hope on her husband and is it not an attempt to transfer part of the responsibility for one's own life?

How to forgive an unfaithful husband?

To common life questions, “Is it better to forgive my husband’s betrayal or is it better to leave? How to get rid of the feeling of humiliation, resentment? Mikhail Labkovsky answers evasively. After a thorough review of the conditions of the family hostel, work on the mistakes made, it is quite possible to build an updated family connection. General recommendations limited to advice to work with a good psychologist and improve self-esteem. Confident women do not cling to a man, they do not know the fear of loneliness. When meeting, it is immediately clear: the adultery of her partner will be regarded as a manifestation of unworthiness. She will leave the relationship without delay, doubt, pity. Accordingly, if a man values ​​relationships, he will not tempt fate with connections on the side.

No one has an indulgence for lifelong fidelity, but self-respecting people live fully, count on open, honest family relationships. Adultery in such couples is rare, and parting is almost painless.

Get out of a state of depression, which can be compared with the state of a person who has undergone serious disease, you need to gradually. Analyze your feelings first real reasons heartache. It is better to take a short break in the relationship, move to a safe distance. Important Decisions must be taken with a "cold" head.

When you feel ready for a serious conversation, arrange a meeting with your spouse in neutral territory, for example, in a cafe. Avoid accusations, emotional attacks, raised tones. Forget self-pity. Find out the reasons for the act, the vision of the situation by the man himself. The conversation should be frank and calm. Make a shared decision.

Instead of an afterword

To love means to listen to another person, to adapt, to compromise, to try to understand thoughts, feelings, needs, to explore interests. Try to make the life of your loved one more pleasant. Over time, the idyll of mutual understanding can be destroyed under the influence of routine, lack of diversity, conflicts, misunderstandings. Full time job over relationships, trust and attention to a partner, creating an opportunity to openly discuss issues that concern you with your soulmate - the best prevention adultery and the basis of a happy family union.

The feeling of resentment comes unexpectedly, it overwhelms us, fetters the mind and heart, squeezes the breath and often splashes out in the form of tears or, even worse, scandals. When we are offended by an outsider, more often everything is forgotten. But if this is an insult to the loved one? The one to whom you entrusted yourself and your life - your spouse, then just like that, resentment does not go away. We must let her go, i.e. forgive. Is it worth it to forgive, how to do it correctly and why we need it at all, we will talk in this article.

Many are inclined to believe that resentment is needed in order to show the husband (friend): he is wrong, it’s impossible with me. And we are offended by his actions and with all our appearance we show resentment. Or we don’t show it, but simply call curses on his head, demand justice and punishment from the world, in other words, revenge for the pain caused to us, we call him bad words. But even if we don't speak bad words, and we don’t even think badly, the state of resentment at least makes us say: this is not fair. And everything that is not fair already suggests that a person must somehow understand that he did not do it right. With your help or not, it doesn't matter anymore. The request for a lesson has already been ordered to him by the universe.

And living life side by side, one or another situation arises that offended us. We put them in the piggy bank of memory, as in a treasured box. At every opportunity, we take out our grievances, experience them again and again, thereby not only accumulating, but also strengthening the strength and depth of experience from time to time. And, as a result, the negative reaction to all this intensifies over time.

One day there comes a moment when our "patience" comes to an end. We can no longer endure all the pain and bitterness that has accumulated. We begin to think about when and in what we did wrong, what mistake we made in the relationship, that everything collapsed like a house of cards. We are looking, but we can not find the answer. Because only one feeling is to blame: resentment. The one that we could not let go, forgive, understand and forget. The one that has been cultivated for years and shaped by us into a treasured box with such persistence that there was no place for good deeds in it. That it seemed to us that there was no such deed that could atone for the guilt before us, that there was no such act that completely crossed out the offense.

But let's look at resentment from a different perspective. Resentment is your defensive reaction. This is a message that you do not like something done, not the person who did it. Therefore, it is necessary to consider it from the point of view of relations. If you don't like the action, stop it. Do not demand to atone for guilt, to improve, but simply explain that you do not like it and why. Your goal is to stop it, stop it, so that you don't experience it anymore.

For an explanation in similar situations there is one Golden Rule: talk only about yourself, about own feelings about your own perception. In no case should you blame a person, do not predict what he wanted to show or do with his act, but tell only about his perception. It often happens that the situation through the eyes of another person looks different than you accepted it. And in fact, it is necessary to explain yourself if you were mistaken - the incident will be immediately exhausted and your mood will improve, and there will be no trace of resentment.

In the second option, you correctly understood the situation, but the person might not have suspected that this was unpleasant for you. After listening to the story of your feelings, he will understand why he offended you, and will not repeat this. loving person always trying to protect from pain, so do not be afraid to say out loud. Can you read minds? No? So your offender can't do that either. Therefore, do not torture each other with guesses.

If, after learning about your pain, he continues to do the same, then there is another story. And what to do should be decided in each specific situation.

Now let's consider resentment and its consequences from the point of view of the materiality of thoughts. Everyone in our life is rewarded according to their merits. And the one who offends sooner or later will be punished for this or will receive a lesson. Moreover, you yourself want this punishment. And now the day of redemption has come, your husband is punished. But is he the only one suffering at this moment? After all, you depend directly on everything that happens to him in life.

He lost money and respect, and you have lost exactly the same to the same extent. He was offended by someone and your life will be touched by the insult. And who will you blame after? You got only what you asked for: revenge on the offending husband. And you got it... And the fact that you did not think about the consequences of calling "curses" on his head will not save you from them.

So, it is necessary to forgive an insult, it is simply necessary and, perhaps, first of all, for oneself. After all, even when it comes to stranger, wishing for revenge is negative energy that accumulates in you. In relation to strangers, the same treasury of memory is formed, only its meaning is more global: resentment against the world. You may no longer remember the details of the situation or the description of the person who offended you by accident, but it will definitely be postponed to the subconscious: the world is so cruel and unfair, fate confronts me with those who cause me pain and trouble.

What is the result? We begin to curse fate, the world, or whatever for you is synonymous with these words. We curse and wait for revenge, retribution. And it comes. The world is crumbling. But along with it, we also disappear. So who is to blame for the fact that we called curses on the world in which we live?

From all that has been said, we can conclude: hidden resentment is the cause of our misfortunes, pain and disappointments in life. Or: without offense a person acquires happy life. Do you want to be happy? Yes? Are you ready to give up your grievances for this, learn to forgive and not remember the bad?

A small instruction on forgiveness and letting go of your grievances:

1. Do not be afraid to talk about your emotions to loved ones, but do not reproach them. You can’t speak to someone else, but you can remember that any situation is a lesson in life. Think it over, understand the essence and become wiser in the future.
2. Past grievances are not worth discussing. They need to be replaced. Replace positive emotions. And so, if you remember some kind of resentment, write it down, and then find 3-5 sentences for it, starting with the words: but now I ... Or just remember as many as possible good deeds against you from the same person.
3. Wish everyone only the best, even if it seems to you that the person is wrong. Smile and mentally wish him happiness. After all, he who is happy does not wish harm to others.
4. Find a reason to say thank you to everyone: people, the world, nature. Gratitude will return to you multiplied.

counseling psychologist, facilitator

Forgiveness. Is it always necessary to forgive, and why it is not worth doing

In the popular psychological literature it is declared: it is necessary to forgive. Necessarily! Whatever they do to you! After all, forgiveness has many advantages: negative feelings, anger, resentment, anger go away. In their place, love, harmony, gratitude and other feelings that are considered “good” should come.

But why do many people not want to follow the "right" path - harmony and forgiveness, why for years hold on to those feelings that bring a lot of the most unpleasant sensations? What, are they so stupid or "psychologically unadvanced"?

Of course, it is easy to "stigmatize" such people. However, I note that in the behavior of those who are not ready to forgive any offense on any terms, there is a certain wisdom. Firstly, all feelings appear in a person for a reason, but as a signal of psychological processes, and simply suppress any feeling - it's like hammering pain with analgesics: discomfort, of course, they will leave, and the process in the body, the signal of which was pain, will not stop. And it may well be that during the time you are jamming any “negative signal” from the body with painkillers, some organ (liver, teeth, appendix) will be seriously destroyed.

The same with resentment and anger: they signal that “Something wrong has happened! They didn't treat me the way they should treat me!" Of course, attitudes and opinions about how “one should act” can be completely false in a person (narcissistic introject, for example), but they can also turn out to be absolutely healthy signals indicating that someone has broken into your boundaries. (For example, the mother of a fifth grader comes to school, walks down the corridor, smiles. Towards her - class teacher, frowns and says: “That's why you smile when your son has such marks! Come on, let's talk in my office!" In my opinion, the situation when an adult, independent mother scolded like a fifth grader - completely wild and unacceptable; healthy behavior will calmly and with dignity defend their boundaries, and not overflow with love and harmony in response).

To avoid at all costs any negativity just because it is negative is childish, magical thinking. We are given feelings, both positive and negative, and all of them are important and valuable in their own way, all play a role in human health and survival.

Since there is a lot of agitation for “forgiveness at any cost” on the Internet, I decided to collect myths about forgiveness and discuss them here.

You can forgive any offense and any offender. This is the right thing to do.

You can't "forgive" someone you can't possibly punish. You can only forgive someone over whom you have the power to forgive and you can choose to punish him or pardon him. For example, you can forgive a delinquent child, but not a politician. The politician is neither hot nor cold from the fact that you first "offended" him, and then "forgave him and were filled with harmony." Well, that is, to console yourself, not to be angry and not offended by the fact that someone strong and having power offended you - you can, and this, perhaps, will bring relief. But this definitely cannot be called forgiveness, but only self-consolation or self-hypnosis.

Forgiveness is good for your health. Painful experiences (resentment, anger) accumulate and harm the body, cause bodily diseases and can even lead to cancer!

“Turning off” your own sensitivity to pain is an even faster path to disease in the body. heartache, resentment perform the same in the psyche important role that are pain receptors in the body. They signal that something is wrong with you or the world. And drowning out signals from the psyche (resentment and anger), forcibly replacing them with love, light and harmony, is the same as eating painkillers with hallucinogens. That is, not only are the signals of pain receptors suppressed, but information about real world the person does not receive. Perhaps he is already in danger, perhaps something threatens him - but apart from "everything is fine, beautiful marquise" he does not hear.

Those who want to manipulate others or enjoy the benefits and conveniences of the "victim" become the "offended" position.

The victim does not have many comforts: first to endure harm, and then also to listen to accusations that he is “self-destructive” and “yes, you are just a manipulator.” Yes, we all know that there are “professional victims” in the world, although they are not such a large percentage. But it is unfair to subject the real victim to double suffering (from mistreatment, and then from the accusation of "enjoying their suffering" and manipulation) just to ensure that no manipulator takes advantage of human sympathy and support.

The one who is offended and does not forgive - just feels sorry for himself and revels in pity!

Well, yes, but what's wrong with that? Why pity and support can only be received from the outside, why not pity and support the person with whom you will definitely spend the rest of your life - yourself? Is it really only possible to spread rot, punish yourself and forbid yourself to experience certain feelings?

And you just do not think about the bad, do not create negative thought forms.

I had a friend who didn’t like wearing seat belts while driving, and in response to reasonable remarks that, they say, it’s dangerous and you can die in an accident, she indignantly demanded: “Don’t talk about bad things, don’t create negative thought forms!”.

This is magical thinking pure form. In addition to "thought forms" there are objective factors that affect the work of the psyche, health and life. And “simply not thinking” about what really exists is to put yourself in danger.

Negative feelings towards another person can signal that you should not do business with him, that he is dangerous, unreliable, and can cause harm. Not hearing signals from your own psyche is the same as not thinking about the possibility of an accident, so as not to “create negative thought forms” and not take measures to protect yourself.

The offender must be pitied and supported. He didn't do it on purpose, he probably didn't want to or didn't know what was causing such harm.

Thinking for another and forgiving him everything in advance is not The best way build relationship. How do you know for another person; maybe he wanted to. Maybe he did what was convenient for him, and he did not care about your interests. And now you have also forgiven him in advance, so that the convenience has become complete and there is no reason to change your behavior. “All the same, they will forgive me and they will pity me.”

"Holding evil" on the other is a vicious cycle that keeps negativity alive in the world, family, and society.

Doing bad things to others and not receiving retribution (even in the form of resentment and breaking up relationships) is also not very good for the world, family and society. If evil is not punished, it will constantly repeat itself. In all films and fairy tales, good conquers evil and the villains are punished, not forgiven in the very first frames of the film for the sake of "harmony and light."

Forgiveness is a spiritual practice, the path to enlightenment. To be offended and harbor a grudge means to spoil karma.

The law of karma assumes that for every action there will come a reward from the world. How do you know, maybe you are an instrument of karma and your role in the universe is to punish someone who does wrong to others?

You have to be merciful. Forgiveness is a Christian virtue.

Well, there is one of two things: either you are a Christian, or you believe in "karma". (I don't care, but the church will not consider you a Christian if you preach the ideas of Hinduism). And, to be honest, the Bible is full of not only calls to forgive graciously, but also demands for an equivalent payment for the offense committed (“an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”).

Resentment is a manifestation of selfishness and pride.

Forgiveness is also a manifestation of pride. “I am so spiritual, great and wise that I will forgive any of these people who do not know the light of truth.” Pride can take different forms, so check if you are not dismissive of those who have not yet reached the heights of spirituality and forgiveness?

In summary, I will say: forgiveness is always a choice. And it will have value only when you are NOT OBLIGED to forgive, but can freely choose a different option for treating a person. It is for this, precisely for greater freedom of choice, that I considered all the proposed ideas.

And you will decide for yourself. After all, it's your life to live, right?