Every event has a reason. What reasons make people look for feelings and emotions on the side, guys go to their mistresses, girls become them, what is the psychology of the relationship between them?

How a man embarks on the path of seeking joys on the side, and not in own family? Since many problems come from childhood and the behavior model laid down by his parents, it is not difficult to guess: the attitude towards adultery will be projected by the similar behavior of his father.

Here are a few reasons why such a desire is formed in a boy:

• if in childhood he often witnessed conflicts, he will in adulthood strive to move away from them to where there are no such conflicts. He simply does not know how to solve them;
• if there was no respect for each other in the family, the boundaries of responsibility, loyalty, obligations were not clearly set, he will bring this to his family;
• the first sexual experience was unsuccessful, and now the guy is constantly looking for confirmation of his male viability, he treats everyone he meets as an opportunity to establish himself;
• if his mother established an authoritarian style in the family and did not give him the opportunity to show it, he will never learn to do it in adulthood.

This is the one male psychology in relation to a mistress who can provoke a search for someone else. But a man will not go to his mistress if there are no problems with his wife.

What is the husband looking for?

• Sex. It sometimes turns into a monotonous ritual that does not bring pleasure. Not so with a friend at least at first. In addition, to see a lady in an attractive underwear, not in dressing gown, flirtatious, not tired - everyone will like it.
• Romance, intrigue. Men have the instinct of a hunter, a conqueror, and it is just as pleasant to give him as it is for the “weaker” sex to receive. Communication. Life is adjusted, but there is nothing to talk about. If the wife has ceased to understand, you need to look for someone who will understand.
• status indicator. The opinion of men about him as a male, a leader is very important - whether he has a young girlfriend. Is he financially secure enough to satisfy her whims. Men talk about their mistresses as achievements, brag about them to each other.
• If both partners do not support each other during pregnancy, a man can “go to the side”.

These reasons have one thing in common: men in relationships With girlfriend looking for something that they do not have in marriage. If he has a wonderful, warm, trusting contact with his wife, he does not need trips to the side. But if difficulties arise, it is easier to look for a person with whom he does not have them. They will be the one who does not care about him Family status. Although, perhaps not for long.

What threatens for married sex on the side?

• divorce, division of property, children;
• worsening financial condition(based on the first paragraph);
• separation from children, restriction of communication with them. Wives can turn them against you.

If a married man has a well-groomed and self-sufficient mistress, it will be necessary to match her. A man will have a special, hunting interest in such a lady: you need to constantly make sure that she stays with him, because there will be a lot of people who want to offer her something more interesting. In this case, it is very convenient when he is associated with a married woman, you do not need to take her out to crowded places, attend parties together. A bonus to all factors is also the looseness of a girlfriend. Such communication will make him feel much younger and wealthier.

What the “weaker sex” is looking for in adultery

Those who strive for strong deep connections and feelings reject contacts with married people as obviously unpromising and troublesome. If a lady is not married, then she becomes a friend of a married man, if she has low self-esteem and problems with male attention. Or if she is afraid of serious, deep feelings and dependencies, his family is a very convenient cover not to take things too far. And it is not at all shameful to be her mistress in this case.

Married to Married Romance

There may be several reasons:

• sex;
• seeking care, support, attention;
• financial aid;
• the desire to escape from the family with its problems, work, routine;
• opportunity to build new family with another partner.

If we talk about sexual contacts, she will look for another if her husband does not satisfy her or if he forces her to do something with which she does not agree. In addition, it is possible that later such a hobby will develop into sincere feelings.

How to make relationships as enjoyable as possible

If this suits everyone, you should listen to the recommendations given by books on the psychology of interaction between a man and a woman:

• remember, your partner has obligations and family problems, don't give ultimatums;
• do not condemn, do not demand the impossible - your communication should bring you joy and rest, not vice versa;
• trust each other more;
• do not try to change the other, accept the situation as it is;
• pronounce those circumstances that do not suit you, do not demand that you be understood perfectly and guess hints and views. Communicate more, even if your communication is just sex.

Why does this relationship end?

Communication with a mistress sometimes lasts for years, in fact, it resembles life in two families. But there are reasons that make everything stop:

• when one of the partners begins to make excessive demands;
• there are reproaches, expectations, this is more typical for the behavior of women. She ceases to appreciate the relationship between you, but she is not yet able to say directly about the desire to break them;
• disappointment or fatigue sets in;
• if the mistress begins to load with unnecessary details, details, instead of just letting her rest;
• no matter how good sex is, but if after it there is nothing to talk about, it is better to find another partner;
• the appearance of a new mistress, more interesting or meeting expectations.

Once upon a time, people were called lovers, loving friend friend. Nowadays, just love between them is not at all necessary - only sex. Stable feelings can be between two partners, the appearance of a third party makes the situation unstable and painful. The triangle "wife, husband and girlfriend", no matter how long it exists, sooner or later has to be interrupted. How hard everything will be perceived with male side depends on how men relate to infidelity as such. In any case, this will not be easy for anyone.

If earlier it was considered a shameful vice for a woman to date a "married man", now it is a somewhat depressing ubiquity. Psychology of relationships with married man no longer surprising. Although, it would seem, it is natural that this is wrong and bad. What to do and how to act in a situation when, as in the song "I love a married man"?

Psychology - Aspect of "Why"

So why are women now and then drawn to the seemingly forbidden? They are not blind, not stupid, and often quite aware of what they are doing. As well as the consequences. But all the same, as if headlong into a pool, they rush into dangerous, dubious relationships.

You can start with the fact that, of course, how many people - so many different opinions. Each woman had her own reason to start such a relationship, and each of them answered the question - Is it worth it? - differently. And yet, there are a number of specific reasons:

• Everything is ready. A married man, as a rule, is already an accomplished person. As in the family, so in society and career.

• Freedom. He does not need to wait home in the evening, cook food for him, wash clothes, or somehow account for his actions. All this is already done by another woman. The mistress has much more free time that she can spend on herself.

• Celebration atmosphere. If the wife sees a man in all his remarkable and not very beauty, then the woman on the side is only familiar with his positive qualities.

• Money. Comments here will be redundant.

• Reluctance to marry. Sometimes there is a situation when you want love, but getting married is quite the opposite. Then the point about freedom and easy relations results in this one. A married man will not require any special obligations from his mistress.

• Low self-esteem. Thoughts about what good men there is catastrophically little around and the fear of loneliness sometimes pushes women and not for that. Therefore, they are content with "what is."

• Hope. Love is evil ... or, as the proverb says: in the absence of fish and cancer - a fish. Especially if this "cancer" every now and then promises to leave the family for her, beloved and unique. And the woman believes these words. And this belief in her exclusivity, that everything will be different for her, like for everyone else, makes her stay in similar relationships. But life is not a movie with a lyrical ending or a love book. In reality, such promises often remain empty promises.

Relationship with a married man

What if the woman nevertheless decided to start a relationship with a “married man”? In this regard, the advice of a psychologist is built on the basic principle: you need to be realistic. That is, ready for the fact that such love can take and end abruptly at any moment. And you certainly don’t gossip about such a relationship with your girlfriend.

The main plus and at the same time a minus - no one owes anything to each other. It is not difficult to sleep with a married man whom you love, but it will not be easy for a woman to start dating him and, moreover, to keep him close to her and make some plans. In no case should meetings be advertised, otherwise it will immediately undermine trust. It’s also not worth putting pressure on a man with your connection - he understands perfectly well that he has no obligations to you. He already has a family with a wife and children. If he needs a relationship on the side, he can always find himself another, less demanding, passion. Therefore, if the goal is to win the heart of this particular man, you will have to work hard, measuredly and carefully, making him fall in love with you and everything that will be associated with her.

But still, it is far from a fact that a man will leave his family for the sake of his mistress. The fact is that a man cannot just take and go to where he will feel better. Most likely, if the marriage breaks up, it is not because of the beloved lady on the side, but because of the great discord in their own family. Only if the legal relationship did not show itself on the good side or burned out, turning out to be a mistake - that's when the man will divorce and go to his mistress, who is ardently waiting for him. Otherwise no power great love will not force him to leave his native nest called "family".

Exit from the cage

Sooner or later, the realization comes that a man is still not going to leave the house with children and married woman and I don't want to put up with it. How to end such a relationship?

The advice of psychologists is quite simple: you need to mentally prepare yourself before breaking off contact with a married man. Write down on paper all his shortcomings and look at this sheet more often. Think about the question, is it really necessary at all? Most likely, the mistress of a married man has no prospects in terms of his own family well-being. And sooner or later every woman will want to have her own children and normal family. Then karma will definitely not be on the side of this woman ...

How to end a relationship?

Secret meetings and constant secrecy can also adversely affect the general background of life. Especially with a man who is younger than his second chosen one. You need to resolutely declare this intention to your married partner, calmly and rationally convey your point of view to him. This relationship does not have the future you want. You will have to come to terms with the breakup and be sure to ask you never to disturb again. This is difficult, but otherwise, instead of a dot, a blurry comma will appear in the relationship. Especially if a man tries to dissuade his mistress from such a "hasty decision." It could be a parting gift last date or something else in a similar spirit. But in fact, this is just a trick in order not to end the relationship.

No one wants to get into a dependent relationship voluntarily. It is unlikely that from childhood you wanted to obsess over someone, giving up all your interests, suffering and waiting for everything to change. But life disposes differently.

Love for a married man has always been shameful, condemned by society, a taboo was imposed on relations with someone's husband. That's how we were brought up. If you fell in love with a married man, you are a homemaker, a destroyer of the cell of society. But it happened: you are a mistress.

Wait a minute to reproach yourself, look at modern realities, which are not customary to discuss with colleagues at dinner, so as not to cause another portion of condemnation.

The vast majority of young families are formed according to next scenario: at the age of 20 they met, after six months or a year they got married, at 22 they gave birth to a child, at 23 they could not cope with adult life and played enough. Feelings and love pass, but the family is preserved by force of habit, fears and obligations. A man takes a mistress, a wife either endures, going into experiences, or also starts a new relationship - on the side. This may take years.

Is a relationship with a married man doomed or is there a chance?

You fell in love with a married man. The main thing is to stop blaming yourself and put an end to further happy life. If a married man is in love with you, is there anyone to blame for this? Try to figure out why he appeared in your life. It is possible that his appearance is not accidental.

Ask yourself 4 questions

Why am I in this relationship?

You know that being a mistress is bad, but every day you strongly associate yourself with a married man. What drives you? Are you ready to “fight for it” and build a future together, or do you want to live in the moment? Answer by looking at things unemotionally.

What do I get in this relationship, and what do I give to the partner?

You are free individuals who feel good together or relationships are built on dependence, passion unknown to both of you, perhaps there is a material interest or other benefits.

Did I consciously choose this type of relationship?

Were you frightened off by the presence of a spouse in a future man, or was it easier for you to associate yourself with a married man so as not to be responsible for a serious relationship?

Can a relationship with a married man make me happy in the future?

How do you see the development of these relationships, do they have a future, or do you understand that when passion subsides, it will be difficult for you to accept his life for two families?

About the connection with a married man, they joke funny only in jokes. In fact, being a mistress is constantly leading internal struggle and think that the beloved man has a wife, that the relationship is doomed from the start, and still go on secret dates with him, stepping on his own self-respect.

From a psychological point of view, women who repeatedly choose a relationship with a married man have internal problems. At a minimum, because having a relationship with a married partner means recognizing your “second role”, being prepared to be hidden and asked not to write, not to call, not to wear perfume.

Depending on the relationship with a married man, you begin to justify him, look for solutions for him, believe that he will leave the family for you. But why would he do this if the only suffering party here is you, and not him?

Being the mistress of a married man means taking on the role of a strong, unburdened woman.

You can raise self-esteem by realizing that you are better than another: “After all, he runs to me, and she sits at home and doesn’t know anything, which means I’m more worthy”. But the paradox is that after each date a man hurries home to the one who is waiting at home. And when he leaves, the sense of self-worth instantly fades away. Does it really suit you?

Do married men divorce for their mistresses? Stop fooling yourself. Living someone else's life or being a detail in someone else's relationship means wasting your own time. Is it possible that a self-sufficient, self-respecting woman will agree to a supporting role, will she be ready to hide and not appear at those moments when her married partner is with his wife? Listen to yourself, how do you?

Relations with a married man: a psychologist's comment

Starting to meet with a married man, at first you feel light, you feel increased attention and amuse your self-esteem with the fact that he prefers you to his wife, he has fun with you and he deceives her, not you. But as time passes, it becomes more difficult for you to share it with legal wife, from which for some reason he is still not going to leave.

Then falling in love runs the risk of developing into addiction, driven by jealousy, selfishness, the desire to achieve your own, the desire to prove that you are better than a wife. Plunging into dependence on a relationship with a married man, you will inevitably fall into the scenario of abandoning yourself, focusing all your interests only on your partner, searching for meetings with him in any way.

When strengthening ties with a married man, the following are manifested:

• decrease in self-esteem: all the forces are spent on trying to meet, call, see, “fit” him into your space. You see yourself as a "fallback".
• internal dissonance: fluctuation between "love" and "hate". Quarrels become more frequent due to the fact that he leaves the family.
• intense jealousy. If a partner is cheating on his wife, then who knows if he is cheating on you too?
• loss of interest in life, work, meetings with friends, internal destruction of the personality.
• self justification.

Even if you voluntarily went for an affair with a married man, knowing that he would not leave the family, then gradually you still begin to claim the No. 1 place in his life.

How female psychology works

First, you prove to yourself that everything suits you: “I don’t need a wedding, I just want to be there and love you,” then you gently and unobtrusively voice what you want, as a result, tears, depression and demands to leave your wife begin.

And if you manage to convince a man to leave his wife, will you be satisfied? Will there be room for new suspicions ( “He cheated with me - he will cheat on me too”), mistrust ( “Meets secretly or wants to return to ex-wife» ), past grievances ( “I was with her for so long and did not divorce right away”)? So, in an effort to romantic love and a full-fledged family, you drive yourself into dependence on experiences, reducing relationships to “no”.

Of course, it happens otherwise. Being in a relationship with a married man, giving him time, you follow your own choice. And, if you really want a sequel, take the trouble to do 2 things:

1. take off your rose-colored glasses.

   “He is ready for anything for me”, just now he cannot leave the family”, “He has difficult situation, I'm ready to wait, because we love each other";

2. make time for yourself.

   Your development, expansion of the sphere of interests, awareness of yourself as a person, and not as an attachment to a partner. Do not immerse yourself in his interests, do not live his life and, moreover, do not try to solve his problems.

Decided to take a married man out of the family?

Why doesn't a married man leave his family for his mistress? Because he created for ideal model life: he saved his family, thereby protecting himself from the attacks of society and the loss loved one, escaped material difficulties and at the same time leads a parallel life, where he receives care and warmth, fresh emotions and the realization of his own goals.

At the same time, he can experience emotions for his mistress many times stronger than for his wife. Driven by passion and love, he promises her (sometimes even sincerely) that love is huge, “a little later” he will leave the family for her sake, and “those golden mountains in the distance are yours.”

What is happening in reality?

Most often, nothing. Everything closes at the level of promises, relationships are stalled at this phase and, without development (and relations without development are doomed), they pass into the phase of deceived expectations and accusations, and later they stop.

If from a mistress you are determined to become a legal wife and take your husband away from current wife you have a chance. But not in the case when you voluntarily agreed to the role of a “second plan” for years and suddenly decided to become the main one in his life. No matter how well he treats you, no matter how pleasant your meetings are, he is comfortable with you as a mistress, and he will not change his life radically for you. The psychology of the relationship of a married man with his mistress is based on his stability, and changes contradict her.

If you nevertheless dared to take a man away from the family

There are chances to take a married man out of the family, even if they are small. Often a mistress appears in men, family life who have not been happy with them for a long time. And love on the side is a way to get pleasant emotions without ending the relationship with your spouse, because cardinal changes are too scary.

Acting carefully and slowly, you can influence a man, proving to him that living together with you will save him from existing problems, and not add new ones.

Direct demands, quarrels and reminders of his promises will not lead to a divorce, but they will show that relations with you in the future are problems, scandals and nerves.

How to behave with a married man so that you have a future? The psychology of relations with him is not much different from the manner of behavior with a free partner, if your plans are to build strong trusting relationships.

Respect his decisions, give him the choice and the right to act as he sees fit, do not put pressure on him and do not impose your opinion - this is useless.

How to become a wife from a mistress: a psychologist's comment

Set a goal - not to impose yourself, but to make him want to be with you. Focus on yourself, not on him, his family, or your relationship. It's about about the expansion of personal space, about own plans, about development in directions not related to your relationship. Doing something to “build up” your personality, working on psychological recovery right attitude to yourself, by cultivating a healthy egoism, you will restore the balance between personal space and relationships. A free man always more attractive than that who closes all interests on one person, all the more limiting him and negatively affecting his life.

Don't judge his wife

Even if he speaks negatively about her. She is his choice. By showing that you value your partner’s opinion, you influence the subconscious mind, he feels like a recognized leader, and this radically affects future decisions.

Just wonder if you're ready to build further relations according to this scenario, adapt and drown out even own feelings for him? It is possible to take a man away from the family. But are you really ready to compete with another girl, to spend your energy on destroying your family? Will it be psychologically easy for you to accept him and not allow the thought that he will find a mistress for himself, already being your husband? Achieving a goal is a normal desire. But how well did you set this goal?

Pregnancy by a married man

Some girls do not want to look at the situation realistically, and having pretty much “got involved” in a dependent relationship with a married man, they decide that The best way to lure him to his side and force him to leave the family - to become pregnant. Various tricks are used, up to and including deception.

However, before considering latest ways take a man away from the family, calm down, weigh everything that is really happening in your situation: his relationship with his family, with children, with you, really look at your life together. You are his mistress, and it is unlikely that the pregnancy of a mistress will be a significant reason for leaving the family (especially if he already has children).

Pregnancy from a married man in most cases will only bring problems. Moreover, both to you and to him.

What do you want to prove to yourself, to him or his wife, by becoming pregnant? How will your self-esteem grow if you are ready for such drastic measures? Think of a child who will initially be a tool for tying a partner. And about his children, from whom, in your opinion, he will leave.

If the pregnancy is unplanned

He promised mountains of gold, you lived happily for a year or two or three and were satisfied with the meetings, sometimes he said that he would definitely leave the family for you, but there was no right time. To the news of your pregnancy, he said that he loved you, as before, and ... gave money for an abortion. How to deal with a situation when a pregnancy from a married man turns into a miscarriage?

You do not want this, consider the child the fruit of your happiness, and cannot believe that he acted so treacherously. You try to analyze and come to the conclusion that “yes, now is really not the time, besides, he loves me and talks about it directly.”

Understand that the decision about the fate of the child is yours. When you started dating, did everything suit you? Take a break from that. He will not leave his wife, will not become yours legal husband, and, in best case will support you financially. Are you ready for such a life? Agree to raise a child in an incomplete family?

Just stop flattering yourself with the hope that with the advent of the child everything will change. It will change, yes, but it won't get easier, that's for sure. After all, many women raise children without men.

If a child is valuable to you, then you just have to be glad that he is from the man you love, even if this love differs from its standard understanding.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that your child is more important to a man than the children he has. Do not think that, having given birth, you will be able to manipulate him. The mistress of a married man is good because it is easy to take a break from her family problems, get distracted and after - return home. If she creates difficulties (and a pregnant lover for a married man is a great difficulty), then the very meaning of relations with her is lost.

Do you want this baby?

Are you ready to give birth to him for yourself, without linking the birth with your married partner? If yes - do not hesitate, you will hold out, survive this difficult period of torment and draw conclusions. It is possible that your priorities, goals, and, possibly, a man will change.

Whether to give birth from a married man: a psychologist's comment

It is important to clearly understand that a child is not a way to tie a man to himself, that his decent fatherhood in a legitimate family does not mean that he will treat your child in the same way. Whether to give birth to a married man is only your choice, here you can’t hide behind the partner’s excuses and the thirst for mythical happiness. Giving birth to a man, while remaining his mistress, is a psychologically difficult task. If you perceived your partner as a patron, afraid of your own responsibility, now you have to grow up and take responsibility not only for your life, but also for the life of another person.

Do not draw a picture in your head where only you, he and your child. When you realize that there is another family in this picture of the world, you can accept correct solution and avoid emotional breakdowns, depressions and neuroses.

How to end a relationship with a married lover

If:

• It is psychologically difficult for you to continue a relationship with a person who does not plan to leave the family, despite all the assurances.
• Or you finally realized that the relationship with a man ended emotionally a long time ago, but for some reason you are pulling them.
• There is not enough strength to break off dependent relationships, you are ready to be content with the illusion that you are loved, just not to be left alone.
• You understand that the relationship is hopeless, but you become more and more attached to your partner, clinging to the rare moments when everything is fine.

It's time to part!

The main problem of girls who decide to end a relationship with a man is that by leaving they want to prove something: “Let him feel that he cannot live without me”, “I will leave, he will come to his senses and return me”, “He will understand that it is better to be with me and leave the family”. Understand that your care should not be directed at your partner, but at you. If you made a conscious, informed decision to leave, you did so because the current way of things didn't suit you. By returning your partner after a breakup, you will only prolong this nervous period.

Understanding what you are gaining and losing in a relationship will help you make a decision. “They give me emotions, love and care” is not the answer you should give yourself, it will only keep you inside dependent relationships.

Self question time

The feeling that someone needs you is not a reason to continue the relationship. Evaluate all the disadvantages without justifying yourself and without trying to prove to yourself that everything suits you.

• Are you satisfied with being hidden?
• Satisfied that your future is vague or completely unrealistic?
• That you will never go on vacation together and plan a weekend together without a third person?
• What is your beloved man serious relationship with another woman, even if he says he doesn't love her?

He - married man, his well-established life consists of frames and rules, and he will not change it, even if it does not fully satisfy him. It is easier for him to have a new mistress without pretensions.

If you decide to part with your beloved man, then you are tired of justifying yourself and him without getting anything in return.

To be a mistress family man- the path to a dead end. Continuing a painful relationship is also a road to a dead end. It may be longer or shorter, but it will not lead you to a happy future. In the end, you will come to the questions: “Why did you need all this?” and “How to live further?”.

Falling out of love with a married man is difficult because you are used to being emotionally, mysteriously dependent on him. But dig deeper. Remember your feelings when, after meetings, he left for his family or when his wife called him. Did you feel yourself better than her at that moment? If he didn't value her, would he hide you? By becoming aware of the actual emotions that you received in a relationship, you can set yourself up to stop dependence on a married man.

Understand that the relationship with him may drag on for years, but will not have any development. You will get used to the role of a mistress, you will take it for granted, but is this how you want to see your life? He will not leave the family for you, realize this. And even deciding to accept it as such, how ready will you be for such a model of life? Look at it from all sides: from yours, from his, from friends and parents, from colleagues. Ready?

Match promises and reality

Healthy relationships are built according to the scheme: “the personal interests of the first partner + the personal interests of the second partner + common interests couples." What common interests will arise over time, what goals will unite you if your overriding goal is to hide relationships and be together in secret?

It is difficult to get out of a relationship with a married man, as well as from any other dependent relationship, primarily because of your own fears and doubts. You make an attempt to leave, but fall into a series of experiences, looking for ways to alleviate moral condition, but you see that only he will help - the culprit of your problems. And everything starts in a new way, with a pile of old grievances and misunderstandings and a new round of problems.

open your eyes

Relate your dreams and hopes to reality. You want to be with your beloved man, to receive care from him, you want to develop relationships and later - a family. The partner promises that it will be so, that living together with his wife is a temporary obstacle, he has not loved her for a long time and sexual contact no longer with her. You wait and believe, because you rightly believe that relationships cannot be built without trust.

Now look at reality. Are you getting, albeit gradually, what you strive for? He longs for you life together? If you are wondering how to break up with a married man, apparently, reality and dreams are still different.

How to break up with a married man: a psychologist's comment

Remember: no conflicts, external factors, other people will not pull you out of a protracted relationship. Only internal mood and work on own goals and understanding their expediency will help you get out of a dependent relationship with a married partner. Perhaps you are driven by fear or do not want to take responsibility, but only internal changes can improve your life.

Break down a breakup with a married man into 3 steps:

1. Talk

   The most honest conversation with direct questions about the future of your relationship will remove illusions. Set deadlines, specific actions. The goal is not to hear once again that everything will get better, but to determine your personal attitude to what was said and what is really happening. If you see an opportunity to continue the relationship “in a new capacity”, take this chance, but determine why you are continuing and what exactly, in what timeframe you should come. If there is no opportunity, and only the promise of mountains of gold remains, leave.

2. Making sense.

   Relate what you hear to your vision of the future. Imagine yourself in this relationship 5 years later. You don’t get younger, you won’t be able to turn back time, but you don’t want to let it go. If you understand that you will break up anyway, why are you delaying this moment for the rare calm of “now”? Remember past relationships, problems: you painfully let go of most of them at one time, and today it is easy for you to remember them. Why do you consciously go to suffering and drag the burden of the current unpromising relationship to the future?

3. Shifting focus from relationships to self.

   If it’s hard for you to suddenly abandon a partner, use the “switching” techniques. Continue communication with a married partner without directing efforts to get rid of the role of a mistress. But gradually look for new activities, interests, set personal goals outside of relationships, even if they go to the detriment of them. Especially if they go to the detriment! Complementing your personality, you inevitably leave the space of dependence on relationships and become not a part of them, not a part of a partner, but an independent person.

   At this stage, it is important to accept your feelings (love, selfishness, painful addiction - it doesn’t matter), but consciously begin to focus not on them (or how to get rid of them), but on something from a completely different plane. Over time, the psychological tension arising from the constant twisting of the situation in the head will weaken.

Be honest with yourself and with your partner. Your task is not to prove to him your strength, independence or superiority, but to achieve your own peace of mind. When you are ready, talk to him, tell him that you are ending this relationship not in a fit of emotions, not because he is guilty of something. The reason is the lack of a shared future and your justified desire for stable happiness. Ask not to keep you because you want to build in the future complete family and think you deserve it.

“I understand everything, but…”

If you (consciously or not) became the mistress of a married man, start by answering yourself why this happened. And then decide where you want to go. If you feel that you need help, talk to a psychologist: working with him will help you better understand the situation and find a comfortable way to resolve it.

All article topics -

Every woman dreams of being happy. For some, this is an interesting job, for someone - travel. But still, almost everyone dreams of happy family. A caring husband, healthy cheerful children, a cozy home... But sometimes it happens that a beloved man already has a family. And the house is, and children. A relationship with a married man is not an easy burden.

Lover and mistress

Mistresses are not always unhappy. There are women who quite consciously make contact with a married man. And this state of affairs suits them perfectly. Let's say a married lady is just looking for pleasure on the side. A man with a family for such purposes is ideal. He will be careful and prudent, he will not bother with calls and SMS. It would never occur to the father of the family to drop in on his beloved in order to have a serious talk with her husband. A purely functional relationship in which both partners are looking for what they lack in marriage. Adrenaline, romance, intimate moments that are unacceptable for a spouse.

The second option is a classic mistress. Beautiful well-groomed girl, which is simply looking for a "sponsor". She is interested not so much in a man as in his wallet, so whether he is married or not is not so important. Nothing personal, just business. And if such a girl decides to take a man away from the family, then not because of suddenly erupted feelings. This is more of a raider takeover than a love drama. And why? After all, a lover can always be changed to a richer or more attractive one, and a divorced man will pay alimony and help his ex-wife.

Option for singles

Business women are also not always eager to get married. If a woman is satisfied with her own life, but I just want to start a non-binding romance, a relationship with a married man is ideal. Stable, comfortable, hassle-free connection that will not cause inconvenience.

A married man will not be jealous of hobbies and work, he does not need to wash and cook - there is a legal spouse for this. Lovely conversations, joint dinners in some sparsely populated cafe and quality sex - all that such a lover needs from a partner. And marriage is not included in her plans at all.

Is it easy to be a lover

But cases when a lady agrees to the role of a mistress, without pretending to be more, are the exception rather than the rule. The attitude of a married man to a woman can be simply fabulous - care, financial assistance, bouquets every weekend. But the ladies still do not need it. They dream that one day the beloved will divorce his hateful wife and marry. Maybe not now, maybe later, but he will definitely marry. They have been waiting for this for years, hoping for happiness.

Such relationships require great patience and self-denial from a woman. You need to be constantly, every minute, in “combat readiness”. What if he calls right now? What if he finds a free minute and comes in? Or, on the contrary, he will make an appointment, but will not come, because he had to go to his mother-in-law for dinner ... One has to meekly listen to endless complaints about his wife, stories about children, when any mention of a strange family is given in the soul with deep pain. Let go of a loved one, each time realizing that he is leaving for another woman. Kisses her in the hallway, eats her dinner, gets into bed with her. It's very hard.

Men are in no hurry to leave

Sometimes women start dating married men just for fun, and then the relationship drags them on and does not let go. But much more often they do not even suspect that their chosen one is married. The truth comes as a shock to them. It would seem that you should immediately end your relationship with a married man. But many ladies forgive deceit. They wait and hope. Such a relationship often lasts for years, leading the woman to despair.

What makes ladies maintain a relationship with a married man? The psychology behind such a connection usually has some kind of internal wormhole. A woman who is self-confident, satisfied with her life and surroundings, will not doom herself to endless waiting. Yes, for sure everyone will be able to name a couple of men who nevertheless left their wives for mistresses. But this is a drop in the ocean. Usually husbands "go to the left" for years, but if they nevertheless decide to act, then, as a rule, they leave their mistress, and not the family.

Yes and public opinion always condemned the "razluchnitsy", laying on them the blame for the destroyed family hearth. The statement is, of course, debatable.

The decision is made by a man, and if he wants to have a mistress, he will have her, not this one, but another. And if he decides to leave the family, he will leave. Maybe not even to a woman, but to her mother. Or in a hotel room, anywhere. When a husband leaves the family, it means that the family as such has not existed for a long time. A mistress - just a logical consequence of the situation. The relationship of a married man to his mistress is often quite functional. She is in love. And a man, at best, is passionate and simply takes advantage of someone else's weakness.

Lover - who is it?

And yet women are in no hurry to break off relations with a married man. Psychology explains it by some specific features, originally present in the character.

Chronic mistresses are usually extremely insecure. The inner conviction that she does not deserve better makes a woman transfer all her dreams and aspirations to the available man. Subconsciously, she is afraid to take risks, afraid to be all alone. At the same time, the paradox of the situation is that such a woman, to some extent, also enjoys the situation. Deeply experiencing her own imaginary unattractiveness, she seeks to prove to herself and others that she is not only no worse - better than the rest! And what could be a more weighty argument in this kind of dispute than a man won back from a rival?

In addition, the status of a mistress has some romantic aura, albeit a very controversial one. Psychology defines relationships with a married man as attractive precisely because of their ambiguity. On the one hand, this is evidence female attractiveness, on the other - a reason to feel like a victim of circumstances. And self-pity is a pretty good feeling. And a great excuse for any misconduct and blunders. “Yes, it was stupid. But how can you judge me? Because I'm so unhappy!"

One more last chance

Often mistresses have been waiting for a man for years, although it seems to be already obvious that he is not going to leave the family. Every time new excuses, every time new arguments.

Psychology characterizes relationships with a married man as addictive. The woman gets used to it. She convinces herself to believe again, now for sure the last one. Although one last already was. And one more. And further. After all, it seems that the goal is so close ... It is always difficult to admit one's own mistakes. It's not that the man is so persuasive. Just a woman does not want to face the truth. So much effort wasted waiting, so much wasted nerves.

And the woman is trying harder. She goes out of her way to become the best, and all in the hope that her beloved will appreciate the effort. The man simply doesn't care. He is comfortable, he is satisfied with this state of affairs. Perhaps even his wife had already gotten used to constant betrayal and got used to it. So the unfortunate lover is the only one who seeks to break the knot that is tightening ever tighter.

Relationships must be severed

But does it really strive? Does she really need a family? If this is her goal, then what prevents her from breaking off relations with a married man?

Then you can move on, look for someone who is ready to start a family. It's just that a mistress doesn't do that. According to psychologists, this is due to the fact that in fact a woman is afraid of such responsibility and subconsciously looks for a way to avoid it. And what is better for this than hopeless love?

Those women who really want to break out of the vicious circle and move forward need, first of all, to work on themselves. Cut off all ties with a lover, change phone number and a lock on the door. And then turn to a psychologist. Friends will not help here, you need a professional. It will help you survive difficult moment and tell you how to change yourself. And the inferiority complex, and disbelief in yourself - just psychological problems that can and should be fought. Only by eliminating internal causes, you can really change your life, create it anew.

The psychology of a woman who consciously makes contact with a married man is determined by the fact that she is not the wife of her beloved, which means that she is not the only chosen one in his life. Therefore, the defining feature of psychology, which is endowed with the mistress of a married man, is nothing more than rivalry with another special female.

Often this quality is laid down since childhood: the girl always lost to her rivals, therefore the desire to repair the damage by defeating another woman migrated to adulthood. The ideal option to solve the problem, there will be one where a man from two passions will choose exactly the “victim”.

But usually disappointment will overtake here as well - such a struggle very rarely ends with the victory of the homeowner. Experts say that the reason is not in those who compete, but in those for whom the struggle is being fought. A normal person loves and makes a choice only in favor of one passion. When he is already married and suddenly ignites feelings for another, then it takes him some time to decide to part with his lawful wife. In fact, this process takes only a couple of months, and normal person spends them on actions, not on fluctuations.

But if a partner has been unable to decide for years, wanting to keep both passions at the same time, this means that he is subject to some kind of psychological split that prevents him from making a decision. Often, relationship scenarios develop precisely according to the second scheme - men whose psychology does not have integrity go to any lengths to avoid making a decision.

Waiting for such a companion becomes very painful for the lady's self-esteem. Living for years in uncertainty, comes the realization that, as in childhood, they choose not her again.

The perception of one’s own value depends on the speed of making a male decision, which is why the low self-esteem of a mistress in this case falls even lower. A woman with normal self-esteem will not allow such an attitude towards herself. Within two or three months, she will understand that the choice will not take place and, without thinking for a long time, will leave such a relationship.

But we are now analyzing the psychology of those ladies who live in uncertainty. long years. What drives them? Most likely, the expectation that a loved one will contribute to raising self-esteem. After all, if you stop the relationship yourself, then the feeling that you were not chosen will again strike a blow to pride. Because the most best option- patiently wait with the thought: what if he chooses me, then I will return to normal and love myself again.

Alas, the representatives of the stronger sex, who go to deceit in order not to make a choice, not only do not help in the decision women's problem, but also exacerbate it catastrophically. As a result, this becomes the root cause of frequent outbreaks of despair and anger - at oneself, at a loved one, at his missus.

Many ladies can walk all their lives vicious circle. Finally getting rid of one such connection, they enter into another - identical. So, again they find themselves in a trap, from which it is very difficult to get out. The hidden motive for such actions is the desire to change children's script. Until a woman gets rid of him, she will fall into similar situations.

If you are a spouse who is interested in the psychology of a mistress, because your husband is carried away by another, then you need to know that a wife who is aware of cheating and continues to live with it is endowed with similar hidden problems:

• Uncertainty about its importance.
• Low self-esteem.
• Emotional (not quite healthy) dependence on her husband.
• Fear of separation and loneliness.

For you there next rule: it is impossible to influence an unfaithful spouse or a homemaker, but it is real to influence and change yourself. Make your own choice or direct the relationship with a partner in a direction where there is no place for betrayal.

There are other variations in the use of mistress status. This is how beautiful ladies sometimes call themselves, who have refused marriage unions and preferred open relationship. This position is explained by the fear of intimacy, which was also caused in childhood ( psychological trauma on the basis of attachment to parents) or in adulthood (unsuccessful love interaction).

Types of women

What are the lovers of a married man? Depending on psychological inclinations, ladies who enter into illegal love affairs are divided into the following types:

• Masochist. It is believed that this type is ideal for novels "on the side." She is alien to reproaches, resentment, complaints about her personal life and is characterized by humility, attention and support of her beloved at all levels. You can hear words of sympathy from her, as well as useful advice about the wife of the cheater. Regarding the requirements for a divorce, the partner can be calm, because this type is happy to sacrifice himself for the good of his beloved. The psychology of a masochist puts a person in the rank of permanent lovers. Such representatives of the stronger sex are looking for.
• Hysterical. This type is compared to a hurricane. Not everyone can cope here, because they tend to keep their partner in constant tension. Scandals on empty place, calls in the middle of the night, calls to his wife, the willingness to go over the heads for the sake of his goal - this is all in the nature of a hysterical woman. Some companions are turned on by this, because there is a feeling of walking on a knife edge. But the romance continues until the man gets tired. Or she herself will not end the affair, because weaklings are not interested in this type. Endless games like "leave and return" are not played here. Jokes with a hysteric are bad, because she is confident, self-sufficient and knows what she wants.
• Eternal bride. In other words, a dreamer. A creature hovering in the clouds, unable to make the slightest decision. That's why she needs so much strong partner even if he is married. She is inherent in the confidence that with those who are nearby, she will certainly have a cloudless future. Thoughts about the family of a loved one rarely visit the head, because it doesn’t matter. However, if the question of choice becomes an edge, then a cute creature can turn into a ferocious hysteric who will require a decision immediately.

• Mother. Just like a masochist, an ideal passion. Quiet, caring, loving, affectionate and… always waiting. A person is insured here from scandals and calls to his wife. An unfaithful husband literally dissolves in the arms of a lady-mother. At of this type, By the way, the largest number chances (of all of the above) to become the legal wife of a loved one. She won't make you choose, no. It's just that a husband can torment his wife with meetings with this woman for so long that she herself will file for divorce.

Three main categories of homeowners

Based on practice, psychologists have come to the conclusion that women lovers can be divided into three main categories:

1. Those driven by true love.
2. Those who suffer from loneliness.
3. Those who need adrenaline.

Let's talk about the first category. There may be love at first sight and not knowing that the beloved is married. Perhaps, earlier the girl condemned such connections, but by the will of fate she herself found herself in such a situation. At first, everything is fine, but then the beautiful half begins to be oppressed by the attempts of the beloved to carefully hide the affair. She is overtaken by a feeling of humiliation from the fact that she has to hide from her spouse and others. Grievances also accumulate, because the satellite may not always be there. The lady despairs and eventually falls into depression.

A loving person is characterized by constant torment, doubts, attempts to understand what the wife of a loved one feels. She is well aware that she is evil to his family and yet she hopes that she will marry someday. The ending of such a novel is predictable - the unfaithful husband is annoyed by the resentment and oppression of the girlfriend and the connection is broken.

The second category is somewhat similar to the first, but differs in that it may not be here. strong love. The lovebird decides to have an affair out of fear of loneliness, out of desire intimacy which worsens over the years. Usually single persons have not so many acquaintances, therefore the choice is small. And even if a married person paid attention, you should not miss the chance. Then the scenario repeats itself: resentment, jealousy, reproaches, the desire to get married and create a family with a loved one. Behavior is controlled by the same fear of loneliness, the result of which is despair, a drop in self-esteem, apathy.

The third case is the most interesting. Here, a beautiful person starts an affair purely out of prudent motives. This is her lifestyle. She is self-confident, self-sufficient and smart. Throws himself into a love pool because he is looking for sharpness, adrenaline. They are called bitches or careerists, their immediate plans do not include marriage. She is interested in the victim, which she chooses herself, and then by all means achieves the goal. Having achieved, such a lady appreciates the relationship. She does not try to make her lover her spouse and wants the relationship to remain secret. Such a woman knows how to part beautifully. When she feels that her partner's interest is fading, she may offer to end the relationship herself, thanking him for the good time.